Funny: Dilbert

Comic strip
  • Everyone gets a CMOF here, the seventh panel most emphatically of all.
  • The PHB's epic moment of revenge for his secretary's plotting: here.
  • Catbert.
  • Future Wally: here.
    • Present Wally: here
  • Alice also gets a few
  • And of course, Dilbert
  • Carol
  • In one story, Dilbert accidentally kills a CEO with an ear of corn and is sent to jail. The very tough-looking criminal looks at the skinny Dilbert and asks what he's in for. Dilbert responds with how he killed a man with an ear of cornů then looks over and says "Oh hey! Corn!", causing the toughened criminal to look legitimately scared.
  • Dilbert's project is behind schedule because the vendor delivered defective equipment and the PHB says he should have chosen a more reliable vendor:
    Dilbert: You told me to use this vendor because the sales guy took you golfing and bought you a hat.
    PHB: Well, you should have seen that coming and burned down all hat factories a year ago.
  • The PHB describes a customer satisfaction survey in which the focus group spontaneously went berserk and started stabbing the researchers with pencils. What's funny is that he actually considers this an improvement because last year the group's attack was premeditated.
  • Using a microscope, Dilber discovers a tiny, subatomic civilization, and is quite excited.
    Dilbert: Let me get you focused a bit better. *CRUNCH*
    • Cut to Dilbert sitting outside with his hands over his eyes.
    Dogbert: My favorite part was when you said, "I mean you no harm."
  • This exchange:
    PHB: I've decided to move to a rolling forecast.
    Dilbert: So, the problem is that forecasts are worthless, and your solution is to do more of them?
    (Death Glare from the PHB)
    Dilbert: If my sarcasm is a problem, I can solve that by doing more of it.
  • The boss tries to pitch in.
  • The boss tries to improve communications.
  • Dogbert suggests a new name for the company.
  • Dilbert's sand-filled stressbuster backfires:
    PHB: "You need a new kybard? What's a kybard?"

Animated Series
  • Dogbert tricking Dilbert into changing the temperature of his voice activated shower. First changing it to 14 (the age Dilbert rode a full bicycle) degrees, and then to 2001: A Space Odyssey degrees.
  • In "Little People", Dilbert, Wally, and Alice get to a vendor meeting before everyone else, only to find that all of the food had already been eaten. When the other employees arrive and begin accusing them, Alice tells one of the accusers to look at something on a nearby table; when he does, she slams his face into it.
    Dilbert: You beat a man senseless!
    Alice: He was senseless before I beat him.
  • Wally's bit of Insane Troll Logic here
    Dilbert: How about we use the money to give raises to those who worked hard to make this bonus possible?
    Wally: That would discriminate against those of us who didn't work as hard.
    Alice: If we started rewarding lazy people like you, the whole system would fail.
    Wally: {arms crossed} Oh, that's the same argument they used to deny women the right to vote.
    Alice: {annoyed} Are you comparing your laziness to the Woman's Suffrage Movement?
    Wally: There are many similarities.
    Alice: Name one!
    Wally: Women weren't allowed to vote, and I'm too lazy to vote. In both cases, there's taxation without representation.
    Alice: That is the stupidest thing I've ever heard.
    Wally: {curt} Bigot.
  • When signing for Dilbert's new computer, PHB says he'll use the same alias he uses when he goes line dancing. When the delivery guy mentions that you don't need an alias to go line dancing, the PHB replies, "You do when you kick as hard as I do"
  • Pretty much everything Loud Howard says.
    • "SOMETIMES I JUST FIND STUFF AFTER I TALK." (Mitten falls from the ceiling)
    • "I'm afraid of tiny people! They can run in your mouth! (Confused looks from everyone at the table) Am I the only one worried about that?!"
    • "I'd like to be treated like a human being just once!" (Wally gives Loud Howard a dog biscuit, which he promptly eats).
  • The celebrity judge for Dilberts parental trial turns out to be "Stone Cold" Steve Austin.
  • Wally actually manages to be worse in the cartoon than he ever was in the comic strip. Among his schemes to do as much slacking as possible can be mentioned him going to interviews at other companies for the sole purpose of exploiting their desperation for experienced engineers during the dot com boom, exploiting the chaos caused by an impending merger and fear of layoffs from the HR department, and somehow always managing to avoid disciplinary action by appearing busy just as the Boss walks by.