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Quotes: Dilbert

Quotes about the show

"In a master stroke of UPN programming brilliance, Dilbert follows Shasta McNasty, a show geared toward viewers who are... how can I say this... very likely to die in bowling ball cleaning machine accidents. Fortunately, Shasta is a filthy and sophomoric show, so it will corner the market on perverts and unsupervised minors. It's a perfect lead-in audience for an animated Dilbert TV show. If you don't understand that, you will never be a television executive."
Scott Adams


Quotes from the show

Alice

FIST OF DEATH!

PHB: I thought you were honest.
Alice: That's a common misconception. I just hate people.

Asok the Intern

[On Wally] He is like a Gandhi who eats.

I discovered a typo in the marketing forecast that is driving our company's strategy. Where it says "Everyone would want one", it should have said "Avery Wong would want one". Worse yet, I called Mr. Wong and he said he was joking.

I performed many tasks, but I can not claim any accomplishments, because things might have turned out better if I hadn't been born.

Asok: Since I became project manager, no one has answered my calls or responded to my e-mail. Luckily, I am an IIT graduate, mentally superior to most people on Earth, so I finished the project myself.
Wally: Are you tired?
Asok: I am trained to sleep only on national holidays.

Carol

[To PHB] Would you consider speaking at my son's school on 'Career Day'? I'd do it myself, but I can't disguise the bitterness and despair that gnaw at my soul.

There's a fine line between evil and underpaid.

Catbert

Hello, headcount.

Your 401K retirement plan will be replaced with a 401A plan. The "A" stands for afterlife.

Your position has been excessed, or as I prefer to say... I WILL TEAR THE FLESH FROM YOUR BONES!

Leadership is the art of trading imaginary things in the future for real things today.

You shouldn't come to work just for money. You should come to work to avoid not having any money.

Alice: How many of your policies are formulated for the sole purpose of gratifying your sadistic tendencies?
Catbert: All of them. Some are just more noticeable.

Dilbert

[To the PHB] I did the analysis using your bad assumptions. Then I applied your flawed logic and arrived at your predetermined answer. Shall I begin disillusioning the team?

I respectfully decline the invitation to join your hallucination.

Well, it looks like I'll be exaggerating my accomplishments again this year.

When did ignorance become a point of view?

Today I realized I hate everyone in the world.

[On the PHB] There is nothing more dangerous than a resourceful idiot.

Why do the worst actions have the noblest sounding reasons?

We will execute our strategy the usual way. The powerful will delegate to the talentless until failure is achieved.

I think, therefore I am. But, I'm micromanaged, therefore I'm not.

Over the past few months, we have created nothing except accounting irregularities.

Ted, let me explain Revenue: it's like your embezzlement, but it's directed at customers.

[To the PHB] With all due respect, that sort of decision should be made by someone who knows his mass from a black hole.

Before I started working here, I was neither a thief nor a liar.

Experience is just another word for losing hope.

Lately, the only thing stopping me from becoming a serial killer is my distaste for manual labor.

I'm drowning, and monkeys dressed as lifeguards are throwing me anvils.

[To the PHB] Whenever I talk to you, I feel like I should be wearing a wire.

I am frequently thwarted, but rarely disappointed.

Food just doesn't taste as good when you have no hope.

I've been asked to explain our technical issues in terms you can understand. [...] THE SOFTWARE, IT NO WORKY!!!

PHB: You have failed to meet the goals set by our CEO.
Dilbert: You mean the impossible goal, the ill advised one or the one you didn't tell me about?

PHB: I'm a misunderstood visionary, just like, uh... what's his name?
Dilbert: Satan?

PHB: I told you to get a sign off from marketing before you sent this around.
Dilbert: How vivid is your false memory of that conversation?
PHB: It's plenty vivid.
Dilbert: Were unicorns involved?

Dilbert: I need a new battlecry.
Dogbert: How about 'Ouch'?

Carol: Are you happy?
Dilbert: I didn't know happy was an option.

Dogbert

There is an ugly rumor that I sold your brains to cannibals and your spirits to demons. BU-WA-HA-HA-HA!

The key to happiness is self delusion. Don't think of yourself as an organic pain collector racing towards oblivion.

This is Dogbert's tech support. How may we abuse you?

My market research indicates that 50% of your customers are above the median age... But, shockingly, 50% of your customers are below the median age. In phase two, we will study the percentage who are exactly the median age.

Death will accomplish what customer service could not.

Free will is an illusion. People always choose the perceived path of greatest pleasure. Now, rationalize your decision, you mindless pink robot!

Evil is the only cure for incompetence.

[Interviewing the PHB] Would you say that you worship Satan or just admire his no-nonsense approach to discipline?

Welcome to Dogbert's anger management seminar. My goal is to transform you from angry nuts... into angry nuts who have paid me.

Dogbert: I've decided to become a business manager for celebrities.
Dilbert: Why?
Dogbert: Because banks have locks.

The Pointy Haired Boss

Our new strategy has never worked for anyone before. That will give us the element of suprise.

My smartest employees keep disagreeing with me. Which is weird, because Great Minds think alike. They must be slipping.

[To Dilbert] Your project is not sexy. I'm transfering all of your funding to a project that totally arouses me.

I'm slowly becoming a convert to the principle that you can't motivate people to do things, you can only demotivate them. The primary job of the manager is not to empower but to remove obstacles.

[At the foyer to hell] If you don't like the accomodations, have your disgruntled underling book a place next time.

Alice, I care about you... but only enough to improve your morale, not enough to be illegal in any possible way. So, tell me about your health, in the least specific way possible.

[To Dilbert] The universe is mostly empty, and so is your job.

The three pillars of our pyramid are communication, integrity and teamwork.

Healthy employees are unproductive. They're always exercising or eating fruit when they should be working. We prefer employees who work hard and die before their pensions start paying out.

It never pays to mix reality with inspirational speeches.

If you think about it, all motivation is temporary.

[To Dilbert] You are now our director of post-decision support! After I make a decision, your job is to find out why it was the right one.

I can't remember whether managing is an art or a science.

There two essential rules for management. One: the customer is always right. Two: They must be punished for their arrogance!

Never listen to customers. If they bought our products, then they obviously have no credibility.

[To Dilbert] Why are you this way?!

[To Catbert] Sometimes the only point of a meeting is to remind me how much I hate them all.

We only have a 10% customer repeat rate, whereas prisons have a 50% rate of recidivism. We need to focus on marketing on criminals, as they don't learn from experience.

As I gazed at my bacon and eggs this morning, I realized... The chicken contributed but the pig was committed.

[Reviewing Dilbert's Work] Looks like somebody's been having delusions of effectiveness.

Dilbert: I just found out that you've assigned my project to several other people!
PHB: A blind squirrel is more likely to find a nut if there are many blind squirrels.
Dilbert:...
PHB: That sounded insensitive, let me rephrase: I meant vision impaired squirrels...

Tina: Our numbers are way down. What should we do?
PHB: Reorganize the department so that there is no valid history for comparision. Then we'll fire a few people and give ourselves awards for saving money.

PHB: I'll be all over it... as soon as I finish doing other things.
Dilbert: What other things?
PHB: Well, for example, miscellaneous.

Tina the Techwriter

[To Dilbert] Your success diminishes me.

Topper

Ha! That's nothing!

Customer: I competed in the Iditarod, a 1150 mile dogsled race lasting over 15 days, over the world's toughest terrain.
Topper: That's nothing! I completed the race while pretending to be one of your dogs.

Alice: Their filming a movie downtown. I Just saw Brad Pitt!
Topper: Ha! That's nothing! I once used too much tanning spray and the next thing I know Brad and Angelina adopted me.
Alice: You're saying Angelina Jolie is your mom?
Topper: Until I talked her out of bottle feeding.

Wally

I'm like a ninja with no hopes or dreams.

They can't break you if you don't have a spine.

I used to think I wasn't a morning person, but things never got better after lunch.

My next generation internet project is right on schedule, it'll be done sometime in the next generation. On that note, if you know any cute women with low standards, it would really help.

[To the PHB] You can take my soul, but not my lack of enthusiasm.

Wally: My philosophy is that anything worth doing is too hard.
Tina: A character flaw is not a philosophy.
Wally: I like to combine things.

Wally: People think I'm worthless, but in fact I'm a subject matter expert in a very narrow field. It's so narrow that it requires no knowledge whatsoever.
Dilbert: What field is it?
Wally: There's no way to be sure.

PHB: I need you to train the new mailroom guy.
Wally: Why me?
PHB: Because he's unimportant and your worthless.
Wally: Okay. I was worried it was the other way round.

Wally: A deeper understanding of reality is exactly the same as laziness.
Asok: That can't be right.
Wally: Have you ever seen a statue of Buddha jogging?

Mordac, the Denier of Information Services

Mordac: The equipment you want is not in the approved list.
Wally: I'd like to see this alleged list.
Mordac: Well, it's not so much as a physical list as it is a philosophy.

Asok: May I use this laptop that no one else is using?
Mordac: No, but you can have my old pizzabox while you can waterboard yourself in your own tears.
Asok: I guess that's better than nothing.
Mordac: Really? In that case you can't have that either.

Mordac: Cloud computing is no good because strangers would have access to our data.
Dilbert: I trust encryption far more than Spock-eared sociopaths.

Other

Salesman: Never sell to your customers. Make your customer sell to you. Our products are only for those who dare to be great! Make the customer explain why he is worthy.

Salesman: Its not really 'selling' if we both win.

Sourpuss: People say the glass is half full, but they don't say of what.

Ted: This day is turning out to be a little extra sucky.

Dialogue

Dilbert: I finally made a difference at work.
Dogbert: How many victims?

Dilbert: People aren't stupid.
Dogbert: According to my research, they are.

PHB: I don't need the details, just give me the high altitude view.
Dilbert: From a high altitude, we are all a bunch of termites trying to eat the same log.
PHB: Maybe drill down a little more.
Dilbert: The termites hate each other.

PHB: We can't move forward until you get input from Allen. But that won't be easy, Allen is an amorphous cloud of gas. He was once human like us. Allen was afraid to give his oppinion or to take decisions, he put so much effort into avoiding commitment that his molecules stopped binding together. Now he exists as nothing but a subtle odor near the copier room.
Dilbert: How do I get his input?
PHB: Don't make me micromanage you.

Dilbert: Did you go outside for a walk?
PHB: Not exactly. We got a bomb threat, I didn't want to tell anyone in case it was a hoax.

PHB: Leaving at seven?
Dilbert: All of my work is done.
PHB: Then get some more work.
Dilbert: That would make my life an exercise in futility.
PHB: Exercise is good for you.

Dilbert: This product would melt the polar ice caps and doom humanity.
Woman: That's okay.
Dilbert: You're a part of humanity.
Woman: No, I'm in marketing.
Dilbert: I won't help you destroy the planet.
Woman: That's what I said before I saw the free T shirts.

PHB: Do you think I should write a book?
Dilbert: I'd try reading one first.

Asok: My software will create human simulations from DNA samples.
PHB: What's the market application?
Asok: Well... there are many applications.
PHB: Name one.
Asok: Well... someday the entire human genome will be mapped and decoded. You could take a hair sample from a woman who refuses to date you... and create a software simulation of her to keep in your computer watch. You could have one button to feed her and one to punish her.
Wally: I'd buy it.
PHB: Can you add a button?

Employee: You're working me too hard! I want to get home in time to kiss my daughter goodnight. And I'm not the only one who feels this way.
PHB: I have seen your daughter, and I'm fairly certain you're the only one.

CEO: I REJECT YOUR PATHETIC PLAN!
Dilbert: Do you have interest in knowing what that plan is?
CEO: Not unless you are proposing to smite my enemies.
Dilbert: I prefer to call them customers, and yes, they'll take it in the shorts.

PHB: I need a brilliant employee to be my assistant manager. That's why I came to you.
Dilbert: That's the first nice thing-
PHB: Your job is to clone me.

Dilbert: You've set me me up for certain failure.
PHB: If work was easy, no one would pay you to do it.

Carol: [Holding back Tears] I need a day off to attend my twin sister's funeral.
PHB: A whole day? How well did you know her?
Carol: She... was... my... TWIN.
PHB: But not identical!
Carol: How does that matter?!
PHB: Well... she didn't even look like you. And yet you want a whole day off for a service that lasts fifteen minutes.
Carol: GAA! IT WOULD BE IMPOSSIBLE TO BE MORE INSENSITIVE!
PHB: I'll compromise. My pet Gerbil is on it's last legs. I'll give you the day off if you toss it in the casket so that I don't have to bury it myself.
Carol: [Forcefully calm] When do you think it'll die?
PHB: Depends. How much does your sister weigh?

Dilbert: Before I worked here I wasn't called a thief or a liar.
Carol: You can't get that kind of training in school.

Contractor: My dream is to one day become a regular employee.
Catbert: My dream is to eat candy and poop emeralds. The difference is that I'm halfway successful.

PHB: Our revenue is now twice the number of people our product has killed.
Asok: Our product costs $80. Are you saying that each one kills 40 people?
PHB: Our customers knew the health risks, so they are technically killing themselves.
Asok: So... technically we're not scum?

Dilbert: Are my questions stupid?
Dogbert: Not as much as your answers.

Dilbert: If I spend my time helping ted, my own projects will suffer. The only way this makes sense is if my projects are unimportant and so am I.
PHB: If it makes you feel better, Ted and his projects are unimportant too.

PHB: Use the CBS database to size the market.
Dilbert: That data is wrong.
PHB: Then use the SI Bs database.
Dilbert: That data is wrong too.
PHB: Can you average them?
Dilbert: Sure, I can multiply them too.

PHB: I can't give you a raise because you ask too many questions, that's a a sign you can't do your job.
Dilbert: I anticipated your misperception and prepared for it. I saved all your emails and matched them to your policies, for example, this is your email saying that we need your permission to buy new software. And here's my email asking if I can buy some new software. Should I run through the remaining several hundred examples?
PHB: There you go asking another question.

PHB: Our new VP of marketing promises to raise revenue by 1000%!
Alice: That's a ridiculous lie that only a gullible moron would believe.
VP of Marketing: Oh yeah? Then explain how he believed it.
PHB: Touche'.

Director of Green: We've been pumping toxic waste into the water supply for years. Yesterday, a giant mutant alligator destroyed our competitor's only factory.
CEO: Now that Karma's been discredited, what else can we pollute?
DoG: The sky's the limit.

Dilbert: Why are you explaining my job to me like I was an idiot?
PHB: It's called managing. I assume you're dumb because you work more than I do and earn less money. And my boss would fire me if I just sat in my office and did nothing, so I wander around saying obvious things to you idiots till quitting time. And then I go home and eat till my underpants don't fit.
Dilbert:...
PHB: Thanks for asking.

Director of Sales: It is better to seem good than be good. A misleading benchmark test can accomplish what years of good engineering can never do.
Alice: Is it our maturity that makes that concept sound okay?
Dilbert: I hope so.

Accounting Troll: Your travel expenses are rejected because all your meal costs are round numbers. Either you are a liar, or worse.
Dilbert: I decide what to order based on what totals to a round number after a 15% tip.
A.T: That's worse.

Dilbert: Our risk management software says your plan is too risky.
PHB: Try reducing one of the inputs.
Dilbert: Which one?
PHB: Honesty.

PHB: Was it human error?
Dilbert: I doubt it. No human would be that stupid, my best guess is that a cabbage got access to our computer.
PHB: [Annoyed]] Cabbage can't use computers.
Dilbert: Can they tell when they're being mocked?

Carol: Your stockbroker was in the news today.
PHB: No! Please tell me he won a humanitarian award... or was killed by a celebrity.
Carol: Ironically, several celebrity humanitarians want to kill him now.
PHB: GGAAAAAA!!

Tina: Do you need a hug?
Dilbert: Only if you can squeeze hard enough to kill me.


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