Dark Matter (2015) / Funny

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Season 1

Episode One

When they're voting on whether or not to help the miners, and Five tries to vote.
Three: Wait a minute, she can't vote.
Five: Why not?!
Three: 'Cause you're a kid!
Six: She's a member of this crew.
Three: Who's a kid. What are you, like, 15 years old?
Two: Do we really have to have a vote to decide if she gets to vote?
[beat]
Three: [raises hand] I vote against her voting.

Episode Two

Two takes One aside to make absolutely sure he doesn't do something stupid like stay behind to help the miners fight... then, as she's walking away, yells at him to stop staring at her ass.
On the planet, One gives Six a heartfelt speech about doing the right thing... and Six laughs it off, saying that Two told him One would say something like that, and gave him orders to drag him back to the ship by any means necessary.
Six: She did ask me not to hit you in the face, though...
Three has named all his guns... but not the knife in his boot. He's not a psycho.
The Android attempts small talk with the two Ferrous guards. "Do any of you possess offspring?"

Episode Three

The Android does lie detector tests on Three:
Three: This is gonna influence the test!
(scene cut to One holding a gun on him)
Android: Just try to relax.
Three: Seriously? With twitchy-fingers over here?
Android: (to One) If you shoot him you may skew the results.
The look on Three's face when he realizes that Five is telling the truth about removing all the bullets from his guns. It's made even funnier by his non verbal realization that he really should've noticed the difference in weight.
Five, when asked what day it is;
"Chocolate Protein Pudding Day!"
This exchange between Three and the Android:
Three: You've got an answer for everything, don't you?
Android: Yes, I am an excellent information source, thank you.
Three: That wasn't a compliment.

Episode Four

After Two pairs One and Three off to sell the weapons, One pulls her aside and asks why. She says she doesn't trust Three, and wants him to keep an eye on him for her. One agrees and walks away. Three walks up, asks the same question, and gets the exact same answer. Two's eye-roll at the end is what makes it.
When the real Jace Corso has One and Three at his mercy:
Corso: Do you know what this is?
One: I want to say... "curling iron"? [zap]
One: [strained] Electric shock stick. That was my second choice.
The ongoing bickering between One and Three continues even after being imprisoned in a cell and having to improvise an escape ("Shift, don't tilt!").
One: You're very mercurial.
Three: You're mercurial.
One: You don't even know what "mercurial" means!
Three: It means... shut the hell up!"
The ongoing advertisements which proclaim the relief from boredom and ennui even as Six waits for an interminable time for a doctor's appointment.

Episode Five

The crew's contact (whom they didn't know about until that moment, of course) calls to yell at them about the job from the first episode. While he is, his girlfriend (off-screen) asks if he's seen her inhaler. He angrily says no... then takes a pull from it.
Even Three thinks their contact for the job is a sleazebag. Everyone just stares at him.
Three: What, I'm not allowed to have standards?
Android's literal response to Five asking if she can "drag her over here".

Episode Six

After calling up their handler Calchek to explain that they blew up the ship he sent them to, Two calmly says that she'd like to rip out his still-beating heart and show it to him. He's visibly taken aback.
Calchek: Okay I'm feeling a lot of... unwarranted hostility, directed at me, which is odd because I'm the aggrieved party.
Six points out that despite their contact being a lying scumbag who probably tried to get them killed (and even if it wasn't intentional, still did a pretty good job of it), he's still the closest thing to a friend they have.
One awkwardly trying to ask Two about her romp in the hay with Three, while repeatedly interrupting himself to assure her that she owes him no explanation and he has no right to be in any way angry. Two just seems bemused by his fumbling the whole time.
Three agrees to let Five use a home-made mind probe on herself in order to find the key to the vault.
Three: She made her choice.
One: Oh, now you treat her like an adult.
Three: Hey, I'm not the one who voted to give her a say in how things are run around here. You don't get to have it both ways.
As seen in one of Five's memories from stowing away, the code to the vault is "Maplethorpe." As Six/"Griff"/Varrick tells One/"Corso"/Moss in the memory, Miss Maplethorpe was a teacher he used to have, who would hit him on the knuckles with a ruler. He knows he would never forget it.

Episode Seven

One reacting to Wendy offering herself for sex:
One: I was actually about to lie down.
Wendy: Excellent. Would you like me to join? I'm adept at a wide variety of contemporary erotic techniques: quasaring, the infinite moebius, dunking the cosmic donut...
One: That's... I really shouldn't. (beat) Umm, wait. What was that last one?
Wendy: On the other hand, if you prefer male anatomy I come with interchangeable parts.
One: No, no, no, no.
The Android cycling through accents. Particularly when she goes into the Jamaican one. She also has her shirt unzipped to show some cleavage for the whole scene, but it's not clear if One even noticed with the accent weirdness.
The Android (accidentally?) throwing shade at Wendy while apologising. "As a new member of this ship's extended crew, it must be difficult to fit in. Especially in that outfit."
Three attempts to Logic Bomb Wendy after she sabotages the ship and starts fighting with him, telling her that it runs counter to her programming as an "entertainment unit" built for "fun".
Wendy: Fun? I don't remember fun. I just remember cooking! And cleaning! And dunking the cosmic donut!
Three: (beat) Umm, wait. What was that last one?

Episode Eight

The crew's reaction when Two tells them they're eating worm meat.
Four: (tosses sandwich on plate)
Three: Meh. (keeps eating) [to One] So you're not gonna eat that? [One looks quite discomfited] (grabs One's sandwich)
Shortly before that, Three asks (hopefully) if Two isn't referring to actual worms.
Three: Now, when you say "mealworms", is that one of those words that sounds like something but means something else, like "firearms" or "anal-jizzic"?
(Beat)
Two: It's pronounced "analgesic", and no.
After Six's clone gets killed and he wakes up, the tech informs him that he has to wait thirty minutes before going in again. He gives a deep and impassioned speech about standing up to corporate dominance... by letting him go back in right away. The tech clearly lets him do it just to get him to stop talking.
When Five shows up at the eatery to talk to the others about Six, she's freaked out by them all being nice to each other (what with Three's usual friction with the rest of the group, especially between him and One, and Four's standoffishness). "Are you drunk?" They are. Then when she tries to explain how Six left the station but didn't leave the station, Three just asks "Are you drunk?"
When they're going through Six's room to figure out what's going on, Three finds something interesting.
Three: Ah-HA! I knew he had the "not quite as craptastic" green protein bars! He said we were out, but he's been stockpiling them!
- Later, he suggests trying if "lying hoarder" is Six's password. Two suggests "Six".
Four and One's entire conversation with the Transfer Transit tech:
One: Is it safe?
Tech: Absolutely. It's the safest way to travel. With your true body here, you're never in any real danger. Your clone could travel into the center of a star, and you'd be perfectly fine. The possibility of any critical complications is extremely remote.
One: What do you mean by critical complications?
Tech: It's barely worth mentioning. There have been a handful of incidents, strokes, heart attacks, the occasional aneurysm, but a causal link back to the technology has never been established.
One: Well, that doesn't sound so...
Four: Sold.
Tech: Excellent, let's see when we've got a slot available. How about next...
Four: How about right now.
Tech: Right now? Okay, let's get you signed up. Are you a couple?
One: Uh, no.
Four: Is there a discount?
Tech: Ten percent.
Four: Well then yes, we are a couple.
One and Four try and ask the tech where Six went, with Four saying they want to surprise him because "it's his birthday." After the tech points out that it's not his birthday (it's part of the information you have to provide), One launches into an impassioned speech about standing up to the corporations, which is exactly the same as the one Six gave earlier. Four just silently bribes her.
Cl!One's explanation after Clone!Four sees him with his original face. As a Trust Password, he rattles off his, Four's and Six's details, ending with the Running Gag about Three's attitude.
Cl!One: It's me, it's One. You're Four. The rest of the crew is back on the Raza. We just used the transfer tech to follow Six to this space station to find out what he's up to. *Beat* Three is an asshole.
Clone!Four: ...It is you.
At the end of the episode, Five invites Six to go see Star Wars XXXVI with them. Remastered in full VR. Apparently it's a classic.
When Two lectures One on lying about not being Jace Corso and Three about knowing this the whole time, Three tries to argue that he's less at fault because he was witholding the information "strictly for blackmail purposes".

Episode Nine

As Six is slowly and tiredly benching weights, Five pops up out of nowhere with a cheery "Hiya," nearly making him drop it on his neck. Then she just stands there and watches as he struggles to put it back.
Five: I think you lifted way too heavy.
Three's opinion of Charlotte's Web...
One: That book is a classic.
Three: Whatever. Pig's a wimp, spider's a know-it-all.
And later on he can be seen reading it and tearing up at the ending.
Among the items purchased at the last stop are a pair of safety googles, which Five puts on while declaring them "both functional and cool." Two only stares blankly at her for a moment before saying, "If you say so," and walking off.

Episode Ten

The men on the ship meeting behind Two's back. Starts with One conspicuously closing the door, then trying (and failing) to deny sleeping with Two while the others just smirk, and then getting volunteered to tell her their decision to take the mission despite her objections.
When One goes to talk to Two, he's a little worried that he's about to tell her something upsetting while she's wielding a couple of heavy weights.
Three is snarking at two similar-looking members of the other crew they're working with, as they seem rather romantically close:
Three: (indicates Tash and Vons) So, are you two like, brother and sister, or what?
Tash: Actually, we prefer not to let our relationship be defined by arbitrary categories and outmoded social distinctions.
Three: (looks at Six in disbelief) ...Okay.
The repeated Insistent Terminology from Five:
Five: Android!

Episode Eleven

One's Rousing Speech to Three, Four and Six in the vault. The oxygen deprivation makes his words slurred, he forgets what he's saying halfway through, and when Six points out that most of it was the hypoxia talking, everyone just starts laughing—even Four. But the best part is that One is talking about how the men of the Raza will show everyone what they're made of, while Two and even Five are killing their way through the ship. Okay, mostly Two.
When Five gets the vault open, most of the boys are standing there unsteadily, brandishing improvised weapons. They look like a bunch of drunk idiots at a bar fight. One can't even get up!

Season 2

Welcome to Your New Home

Three finishes his massive load of laundry and cheers... only for another prisoner to bring in another load. He then burns his own hand in the steam press just to get out of working.
The bewildered look on Two's face when Four casually mentions that he started a riot just to test the guards.

Kill Them All

The warden of Hyperion-8 worrying about his reputation if word gets out that he can't even arrange a hit inside his own prison.

We Were Family

The Android saying she wants to go on the shopping trip to the space station so that she can observe human behavior, and that she doesn't think the crew represent a typical sampling.
Five: Did you just insult us?!
Five charging Three interest on the money he's lending from her.
Three: Clearly I've been a terrible influence on you. I have very mixed feelings about that.

We Voted Not to Space You

The Android finally showing human emotion thanks to an upgrade which comes off as a sardonic tough gal. Zoie Palmer clearly is loving finally showing off like this and the reactions of the rest of the team are great.
The Android's attempts at getting herself arrested while every guard she faces tries to brush off her behavior as insignificant misdemeanors. Even her attempts at mouthing off to the authorities are taken as witty banter.
Android: Oh, my God. What does a girl have to do to get arrested around here?
The Mexican Standoff at the end.
Kierken: If you shoot, you risk killing your friend.
Three: I'm betting he's okay with that.
Four: It would be a better death than what would happen if they let you take me.
Three: Told ya.

She's One of Them Now

Two, Six and Three have decided to pay a visit to Tabor Calchek. Two has clocked him in the face and he's lying on the floor.
Calchek: [lying on floor, peeps one eyelid open a fraction]
[Hazy image of Two, Six, and Three looming over him]
[Quickly closes eyelid, attempting to feign unconsciousness]
Two: [kicks Calchek] Hey. [Calchek doesn't respond; she kicks him harder] Hey!
Three: [kneels down, grabs Calchek's hand and holds it up] Why don't you cut off his pinky? See how he reacts.
[Two gets out a knife and touches the blade against Calchek's little finger]
[Calchek quits faking it and leaps awake]
Calchek: Whoa! What the hell? What if I'd actually been unconscious?!
Android looking at Three's clone jumpsuit, much to his dismay.
Android: It's very... snug.
During the mission, the Android opens the door to Calchek's room, who has been pounding and screaming for quite some time. When he asks what took so long, she admits she actually noticed a while ago, but was hoping he'd just give up.
When the guards catch up with them, Three orders Five to go on without them. He tells her that it's the sound tactical move, and he won't hear any arguments to the contrary. Four tells him she ran off already.

Stuff to Steal, People to Kill

Three finds out, while pretending to be Alt Boone, that he's in a very strange kind of sexual relationship with Alt Tash, usually involving her doing a lot of punching as foreplay.

Sometimes In Life, You Don't Get to Choose

The Android is having a mug of hot chocolate and makes a particularly lame excuse when asked about it by Two.
Android: In order to expand my meal plans for the crew I need to educate my palate on flavor profiles.
Two: That's a pretty big tasting sample.
Android: I like to be thorough.

But First, We Save The Galaxy

The Title Drop. When Three complains about their current heroism, Two promises him that they'll steal something after they save the galaxy.

Season 3

Being Better is So Much Harder

After a badass scene of the Android gunning down a boarding party with assault rifles, she does a Smoking Barrel Blowout.
The Android bakes a casserole for the crew, complete with pink apron and oven mitts, and says the secret ingredients are love and basil. She also mentions an adorable hat she bought.

Welcome to the Revolution

Adrian and Solara.
Solara: I'm former black ops, Stellar Defense Corps.
Adrian: Really?
Solara: Really. It was on my resume.
Adrian: ...
Solara: You did read my resume, right?
Adrian: Skimmed it.
It's Quiet… Too Quiet.
Three: Can we just skip ahead to the part where you come out of hiding and get the jump on us?
(Heavily armed locals appear)
Three: There, that's better.

All the Time in the World

As part of his bid to prove he's stuck in a "Groundhog Day" Loop, Three has the Android teach him to speak French (which has the happy side-effect of letting him memorise the technobabble explanation for why the FTL drive is broken - in French). This leads to an utterly delightful scene of the two of them joyfully singing "Dominique" together in French, while Three plays the spoons. Two is too weirded out by this scene to even question it.
- It's especially amusing for viewers who are familiar with Anthony Lemke's other work - he's appeared in multiple Quebecois films and TV shows and is actually pretty decently fluent in French.
The montage of Three getting knocked out by Solara.
Three thinks he's finally broken the loop by taking a stimulant to stay awake... until he finds himself mysteriously back in his bed and just about to restart the loop. His reaction?
Three: I think I did it! I did it! *realizes where he is* Aw, for fu-
In an attempt to break the loop, Three invades Adrian's room to talk to him all night. Why Adrian?
Three: I cannot bug anyone who can knock me unconscious. So, that leaves you.
Maro: You forgot Five.
Three: No, I didn't.

One Last Card to Play

Alt Wexler's assessment of the command deck of the Ishida cruiser the Alt crew stole to be their new ship.
Alt Wexler: Oh. I like this. It's got kind of an "all hail our glorious leader" sort of vibe to it.
Followed by this little banter between Alt Android and Wexler.
Alt Portia: Android, any progress establishing a neural link?
Alt Android: Not yet. As I stated earlier, connection is theoretically possible, but such a function was not part of this ship's original design.
Alt Wexler: What's with the no-can-do attitude?
Alt Android: That wasn't pessimism. Simply a statement of fact. Like, we stole a ship. We're flying through space. Or, I could detach your head with minimal effort.
Alt Wexler: OK.
Alt Android: Minimal.
Alt Wexler: Yeah.
Alt Android: Effort.
Alt Wexler: I got it. Testy robot.
Three has been replaced by his alternate reality double and fires off some lines with Tash.
Three: You really think your Boone's gonna convince anyone he's me? Fat chance.
Alt Tash: Little while back, you had me convinced you were him.
Three: Yeah, but that's 'cause I'm a better actor.
Alt Tash: I do recall some performance issues.
Three: I bailed on you. There was no performance.
Alt Tash: Oh, I remember that opening overture.
Three: You never had a chance to experience the crescendo, baby.
Alt Tash: That's because I was disappointed in your pianissimo.
Three: Okay, I think we've exhausted the musical euphemisms, can we go back to threatening each other's lives?
Alt Android: Gladly.
Our crew have captured Wexler, who was used as bait.
Alt Wexler: Wow, you are different. My Portia would be beating the crap out of me right now for information.
(Two approaches him.)
Alt Wexler: That was more of an observation than a suggestion.
The two Androids meet for a prisoner exchange.
Alt Android: The missiles, the payment, and your crew member (Three) have been deposited in a clearing 1.42 kilometers northeast of this location...
Android: ...as agreed upon. And your crew members (Alt Portia and Alt Boone) have been deposited in a clearing 1.63 kilometers southwest of here...
Alt Android: ...as agreed upon.
Android: I'm afraid I had to restrain them.
Alt Android: Oh, I restrained your crew member as well. I also found it necessary to gag him.
Android: Understandable. By the way, it's pointless for your crew to come after the Blink Drive. It's been damaged beyond repair.
Alt Android: Are you being deceptive?
Android: No.
Alt Android: In that case, I will advise my crew of the fact and recommend we not pursue your ship.
Android: Are you being deceptive now?
Alt Android: No.

Isn't That A Paradox?

When they have to spend time on 21st century Earth, the Android arranges covers for them all according to popular archetypes. Two is a "soccer mom", Five is a "goth chick", Six is a "salaryman" (which includes a suit that just doesn't work for him), and Three gets to be himself, basically, which the Android defines as "slob". The Android herself is "an upwardly mobile suburban professional".
Android: Remember, *looks at Two and Three* You're a couple. *looks at Six* We're a couple. *looks at Five* And you're a disaffected youth committed to sulking and avoiding all social discourse.
Android remarks that she's easily manipulated computer records to give the crew false identities and nice bank accounts.
Three: If it's that easy to steal, I may just like it here.
The kids across the street watch the crew rent out the house and instantly guess they're something out of a horror movie. They watch as Three struggles with a heavy bag, pauses, looks at Android with a "you mind" expression and she easily lifts the bag out.
Six needs to check on the Marauder, but Two and Three have left with the minivan the Android purchased. Five has an idea, though. Cut to Six riding a child's bike.

Built, Not Born

The flashback to how Portia Lin gained command of the Raza: an argument over letting the Android establish a neural link with the ship escalates into a brutal brawl in which she kills the previous captain and his right-hand man. Throughout the fight, Boone is calmly sitting there enjoying a meal — even when she's slammed down on the table right next to his food and shoots her attacker repeatedly. At the end of the fight...
Portia: I'm taking command of this ship. The Android is staying. You got something to say?
Boone: (Still eating) I was rootin' for ya.
Two is told of how she (as Portia) was soon bonding with Dr. Irena Shaw, the creator (and lookalike) of Android. It's shown how the two were getting very...close.
Two: Wait, what do you mean "our relationship?"
Android: Well...this is a little awkward.
Three decides to drown his sorrows while the Android is doing the same with hot chocolate. He takes her cup and pours her some booze. After one sip, she puts it down and grabs her hot chocolate.
Three: It's an acquired taste.

The Dwarf Star Conspiracy

The Android has a new look, which raises some questions from Two.
Two: So, uh, what's going on?
Android: What's going on where, Two?
Two: Well... *gestures towards the Android's new outfit* Here, mostly.
Android: My boobs?
Two: Um... yeah.
Android: Am I doing them wrong?
Two: No. It's not that.
Android: Perhaps you could offer me some guidance. I noticed you're very adept at packaging yours.
- And then...
  Android: I wanted something that incorporates the two worlds that I embody. Humanity and instrumentality. Functionality and sexuality. Polymer-coated nanofibres and boobs.
- Two quickly becomes uncomfortable with the Android's use of the word "boobs", and asks her to stop saying it. Which puzzles the Android slightly, so she finishes the scene repeating it in various ways.
  Android: Boobs. Boobs. Boobs. Boo-oobs.

Funny / Dark Matter (2015)

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