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Fan Fic: Dave Stdider Pokemon Traner
" why am i stuck with all these homos?"DAVE STDIDER POKEMON TRANER
— Jack Noir
is a Homestuck and Pokemon (among others) crossover fanfiction along the same lines as Homestuck High
and Tarvos And Fairie A Love Story
, but arguably even more insane. It could quite possibly be in the running for the worst fanfiction to ever exist in this world, provided it is not a Stealth Parody, which it probably is. It is truly a special kind of awful in a way that not even My Immortal
could hope to be.
Written by XxXCascadaerXxX, this story combines...
-Super Mario Bros.
-Pirates of the Caribbean
-The Legend of Zelda
...And more. FAR more.
The story details Dave Strider's quest to obtain the Kanto Region's eight badges and become champion with the help of his friends Will Turner and Terezi Pyrope. Along the way he catches ghosts, meets Thor, enters the battle of the bands, goes on a cruise, and more, all the while thwarting the evil Team Bad (Made up of Homestuck characters Karkat Vantas and Jack Noir) and JAKE ENGLAND THE EVIL POACHER.
Oh yeah, Elite Four Boss too. He's kind of an asshole.
FF.net nuked it, but the ever-vigilant XxXCascadaerXxX re-uploaded it. You can now find it here: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/9794517/1/DAVE-STDIDER-POKEMON-TRANERAn MST is currently in the works,
courtesy of Jake Englishs Mysterious Theater Of Scientific Romance From The Year 3000
This sotry includs examples off:
- Action Girl: Terezi has a pretty badass moment during the fight with Team Bad in chapter 22. She's also probably the most competent of Dave's crew.
- All Caps: The "DAVE KILL LAZER" is always fully capitalized, emphasizing its deadlyness.
- All Lower Case Letters: The entire fanfic, save for words that are emphasized or shouted.
- Arson, Murder, and Jaywalking: "this has abeen a bad day. jack sed. first we lost the thriforce adn then the davekill gun adn now giratina wont join us... and i gort called a homo!111 kitkart snacked.
- This is especially OOC, considering how in the webcomic, Trolls are pansexual; Karkat has been in a canon relationship with Gamzee, a male, and previously had a crush on John.
- Artistic License - Geography: Kanto does not work that way. Examples range from the mild (Dave and Will being able to climb the Insurmountable Waist High Fence to get to Mt. Moon from Cerulean City isn't that difficult to imagine) to the weird (Cinnabar Island being landlocked) to the very bizarre (walking from Pewter City through Lavender Town in order to get to Vermilion City, without going through Cerulean at all).
- Big NO: "jack confornted him. hey you we saw it frist give it here! NO. jake siad."
- Blatant Lies: Chapter 13 is entitled "STEAMY SEX! WITH GOSTBUSTERS!" The chapter does not actually include any sex in it, let alone with Ghostbusters.
- Bound and Gagged: When Rose is kidnapped by Jake England and Elite Four Boss, she is tied to a pole with "tap" on her mouth.
- Breaking the Fourth Wall: "it is becuz all teh gym leders excpt the ones you hav not faced yet becuz the writer hasnt decided who tey are yet."
- Calling Your Attacks: After Jake shoots at Dave with his DAVE KILL LAZER and misses, he says "I WILL BE BACK WITH MORE AMMO DAV."
- Can't You Read the Sign?: "they wlaked o the manion and loked at the sin BURMED MANOR STAY OT! iT SIAD. lets go in gus! terezi said. no dude the sig says stay out will sed lets stay out. im sure it wondt be that bad will." They of course ignore the sign and go inside.
- Clueless Mystery: Both subverted and played straight in Chapter 20. When both Nickelback is shot and Link is beaten to death, Dave, Terezi, Will, Team Bad, and Elite Four Boss all split up to solve the mystery. It turns out Elite Four Boss shot Nickelback, which makes sense if you note his rather nonchalant behavior when the murder is first revealed. However, he didn't kill Link. Link was beaten to death by Rocky Balboa, who was working for Elite Four Boss and disguised himself as Professor Oak. The problem? Rocky never once appeared in the story before this point, and there were NO clues pointing to him at all.
- Composite Character: Nickelback is one guy.
- Damsel in Distress: Rose is kidnapped and "helpd hostage" by Jake England and Elite Four Boss in Chapter 23. After Rose is rescued, Terezi is kidnapped.
- Death Ray: Jake England has possession of the DAVE KILL LAZER, which, like the name implies, can only kill Dave. It merely incapacitates others, and only has one shot before it needs to reload, so it kinda sucks.
- Department of Redundancy Department: This story has a LOT of these.
- "kitkat loooked at the sin that sed 'FLOR 3; EVIL STUFF' and sed jack we shud go the 3 floor and get sum evil stuf becuz we are evil adn can beat dav with the evil stuf."
- "it bunced off thog and jake saed what was that for you gay homosexual?"
- "i cannot beet john becuz he is my friend he sed to her sadly before turnig and loooking sadly at the gym in sadness wit sad eyes"
- "girantina wuz flyig out of celadon. he hate dave. I HATE TAT DAVE he yelled."
- "THAT RETARDED RETARD MUST DIE! jake proclamed."
- "it sed we hav burned down tis manner becuz it wuz relty a lab adn we made mewtoo here but he tuned evil so we had to bum bown thi mansion to kil him becuz he turned evil."
- "he noticed dav and laffed. haahahaha he laffed."
- Deus ex Machina: Averted. After Terezi is kidnapped by Jake England, two salesmen comes to the door and sell Dave a "girlfring locator," which he attempts to use to find her. However, the salesmen are really Team Bad and lead Dave into a trap.
- Disguised in Drag: When Karkat and Jack dress up as Zelda and the King respectively to trick Dave into getting them the Triforce. Karkat complains about it, blowing their cover.
- Did We Just Have Tea with Cthulhu?: When Dave is almost done getting all of the badges, Oak throws a party for him. Everyone is invited. Including Jack and Karkat. They sit on the coach and eat cake and potato crisps.
- Deadpan Snarker: Jack Noir and Elite Four Boss.
- Disabled Love Interest: Averted, as many times in the series, it is shown that Terezi is not blind like she is in canon.
- Dramatic Reading: Courtesy of Marionetta Susette, found here.
- Dramatic Unmask: Occurs multiple times in nearly every chapter.
- Enemy Mine: In Chapter 17, Dave and friends and Elite Four Boss team up to stop Jake England the evil poacher. In Chapter 20, the heroes and villains team up to solve a murder mystery.
- Evil Brit: Jake England the evil poacher.
- Evil Laugh: Jack, Karkat, and Jake England the evil poacher all have one.
- Evil Plan: Jack's plan to trap Dave in Mt. Moon
- Evil Poacher: Jake England is literally described as this EVERY TIME HE IS MENTIONED.
- Evil Versus Evil: In Chapter 9, Jack and Karkat team up with Dave and friends briefly to take down Jake England, or try to at least.
- Explosive Instrumentation: "he puled ot the camera adn went to hand it to jcak but his hand sliped adn he acidentaly dropped it into teh fontain adn it EXPLODE."
- Face Palm: Jack does this THREE TIMES in Chapter 17. In the SAME PARAGRAPH.
- Featureless Plane of Disembodied Dialogue: Done very frequently with Team Bad, to the point where the author flat out forgets the setting and puts whiteboards on desert islands, and random unexplained helicopters in ice caves.
- For the Evulz: Jack and Karkat, who want to kill Dave and take his Pokemon for NO REASON. They wanted this since the first chapter, when they haven't even met Dave yet.
- It's later revealed that Dave still stole Terezi from Karkat as in canon, and that this is why Karkat hates Dave. As for Jack, he just wants to kill everyone, but his grudge against Dave is unexplained. Unless, of course, they both just hate him from what happened in Hart Shaped Love, as Dead Bowser comes directly from that fic — maybe they did too.
- Goldfish Poop Gang: Team Bad.
- Gotta Catch 'Em All: The Gym Badges
- Hollywood Silencer: When Nickelback is killed by being shot in the head when the lights go out, Team Bad finds a "sliniencer" which is apparently why nobody heard the gunshot.
- Have I Mentioned I Am Heterosexual Today?: Dave is mentioned to be "not gay" several times during the adventure, mainly when the author takes time to describe the hotness of male characters.
- Hypocritical Heartwarming: "dave knew he wuz not gey and he punched karkar in the face. he fell bak in2 the fountarn. jack got up form the bench. ONLY I CAN BEAT UP KARKART. he yelled at dave."
- I Am Very British: Jake England the evil poacher. Granted, he is like this in canon too.
- I Lied: In Chapter 4, "WERE IS TEAM BADD? dave asked? naruto told me that they had u in here and they wer gunna revive pokmon! I LYED! naruto sed as he unasked himself and he was JACK!"
- Informed Attractiveness: Dirk is described as hot and sexy on more than one occasion.
- The Killer In Me: The title of Chapter 20 is "is dave the muerderer?." Team Bad tries to convince him that he is, but fail.
- Massive Multiplayer Crossover: This whole story. There's only three characters in this story that are actually FROM Pokemon: Professor Oak, a minor NPC from Red and Blue named Mr. Fuji, and possibly "Elite Four Boss."
- Moment Killer: Terezi and Dave are lying naked in bed after kissing, just as they are about to have sex, Will Turner bursts in the door and tells them that they can't have sex without "CONDOMINIUMS." Then Dave realizes that he's got more important things to do than banging Terezi, such as exorcising Giratina from his friend John, and leaves her alone naked. The moment is further ruined when Karkat comes in and takes a naked picture of her. Then Jack uses it to blackmail her and stabs Will. Basically, this is the WORST ruined moment in history.
- No Name Given: Elite Four Boss is only referred to by his title. This is very confusing in a Massively Multiplayer Crossover like this.
- No Punctuation Period: To an extent. The author does not use commas, and stops using quotation marks entirely by chapter five.
- Not Blood Siblings: Ross — er, Rose is now John's sister instead of Dave's, so that she can be Dave's ex.
- Olympus Mons: Dave receives the legendary GROUNDOON as his starter Pokemon, and he steamrolls absolutely EVERYTHING with it.
- Apparently, incredibly strong legendary Pokemon are REALLY easy to obtain as well, because Jack gets both Shadow Lugia AND Zekrom with absolutely no explanation as to how he obtained them.
- In-universe, Jack's unspecified Digimon is stronger than any legendary Pokemon.
- Only Mostly Dead: Subverted when John takes a bullet for Dave: "JHON YOU WERE MY FRIEND WHY DID YOU DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIE. he is not dead you idiot moron only almost you dumb idiot. jake seed."
- Out of Character: Everyone except possibly Jack. Especially Will Turner, who has a habit of saying things like "Bro" and "Rad"
- Paper-Thin Disguise: In Chapter 8, Jack and Karkat attempt to sneak on a cruise ship by wearing fake mustaches. The nameless "ticket taker guy" calls them out on it and Jack shanks him.
- Rouge Angles of Satin: Used to hilarious effect. A typo shows up every few words. A lot of them are easy mistakes, with typo possibly being made because of the closeness of some keys to others. Other typos involve the letters being out of order, such as when Dave falls into Jack's "tarp" on multiple occasions, as well as the frequent misspellings of Dave as "Dvea" and Jack as "Jcak." Karkat's name is not spelled correctly once. It is spelled about twenty different ways in three chapters; the most amusing is probably "kitkat" which is used most often.
- Running Gag: There's a weird one involving the "fact" that ghosts LOVE money, and an equally strange one where Karkat calls Dave gay whenever they fight. Jack also seems to have a fixation with pushing Karkat into water.
- Sacrificial Lamb: Adrian Brody, the Gym Leader of Cinnabar Island.
- Shout-Out: There seem to be several shout-outs to My Immortal. Most of them are very suble in that there are sentences that eerily resemble ones from the fanfic, and Tara Gillesbie's odd word choice (at one point, Will "ejaculates" a word). In Chapter 21, Jack's evil plan involves playing Good Charlotte music in order to turn everybody goth; Gillesbie is a fan of Good Charlotte and "goffic" culture, and constantly mentions them in her fic. In the last chapter, Karkat plans to use amnesia on Terezi so she "wont" be stupid anymroe." In My Immortal, several characters tried to use amnesia on Ebony and vice versa.
- Special Guest: Dead Skeleton Bowser (usually just called Dedbowser) is transplanted from Hart Shaped Love.
- Spoiler Title: The title of Chapter 18 is " adrian brody is ded." This is supposed to be the shocking reveal at the end of the chapter.
- Stealth Parody: Likely, albeit unconfirmed. See "Troll Fic" below.
- Stupid Evil: Team Bad is the epitome of this. The only thing they ever think about is how to kill off Dave, regardless of the situation. They often even go ridiculously far out of their way to do. Jake England is probably this too, as in one chapter, he goes off and murders a few Scythers because he's bored.
- Surrounded by Idiots: Jack Noir, as seen in the page quote.
- Taking the Bullet: When Jake shoots at Dave with his DAVE KILL LAZER, John takes the bullet. Yes, bullets. In a laser.
- Those Two Bad Guys: Team Bad's Jack and Karkat.
- Transplanted Character Fic: This story basically takes every character from everything ever from their source material and dumps them into the pokemon world with no explanation. Most notably, Will Turner and pretty much all the Legend Of Zelda Characters.
- Troll Fic: It can be assumed that the story is this. There are multiple shout-outs to My Immortal among other things, and it makes for great parody of badfics in general.
- Unsettling Gender-Reveal: "ZELDA WUZ KAFKAT? dave thog! NOOOO HE THOUGHT SHE WUZ HOTT!"
- Useless Boyfriend: In chapter 14, Terezi comes crying to Dave, distraught about Team Bad blackmailing her with a picture of her naked. This is his response:
- "oh no dave said. i have to get the next dabge i cant help u right now."
- Granted, he does eventually give in, but only after John protests.
- In Chapter 15, "terezi wuz sad becuz dave was not dededicated."
- Villain Exit Stage Left: Jake England escapes into a submarine after Dave & co. (With Team Bad) defeat him.