Main Cast
Rudyard Funn
The protagonist of the podcast, the funeral director of Funn Funerals who, alongside his twin sister, descends from a long line of funeral directors. Although absolutely terrible at his job, Rudyard's business was safe due to the fact that he was the only funeral director in the village. All of this changes when Eric Chapman moves to Piffling Vale, and so Rudyard comes up with various schemes to try and undermine his rival's business.
- Chaste Hero: He's the only character who shows no interest in sex or romance at all, considering erotica to be time-wasting filth, and not getting it when Lady Templar is very blatantly pulling an Operation: Jealousy with him.
- Doom Magnet: Every time he tries to one-up Chapman, something happens to ruin his plans and then some. He's been chased by angry mobs multiple times, arrested and convicted of being a serial killer in a Kangaroo Court, fallen down a well, and more.
- His Own Worst Enemy: Every time Funn Funerals starts getting back on track, Rudyard's ego and hatred of Chapman always finds a way of alienating everyone all over again. He finally acknowledges this in end and is ready to listen to Antigone to help temper his bad nature.
- Jerk with a Heart of Gold: Albeit with heavy, heavy emphasis on the "jerk" part, Rudyard can be this when he's in a good mood. He does love Antigone, genuinely appreciates Georgie even if he's bad at showing it, and is downright sweet to Madeline. He's also willing to put his ego and petty feud with Chapman aside for really important matters.
- Mean Boss: Downplayed. Rudyard demands a lot from Georgie and is short-tempered and sarcastic, not because he actually dislikes her, but because he's Rudyard. He's actually a good deal more pleasant to her than he is to almost anyone else, and as the series goes on, he starts treating her more like a friend. Georgie, for her part, handles it with good grace... and a boatload of snark. (The fact that she can mouth off at Rudyard with no consequences probably also contributes to why she sticks around.)
- The Napoleon: Rudyard is implied multiple times to be rather short and of unimpressive stature, and he's got an explosive temper.
- Never My Fault: Rudyard is completely incapable of admitting fault for anything even when his life is literally on the line.
- No Social Skills: Rudyard is often baffled at why people are offended by his rude comments, or why it's odd to bring a mouse with him everywhere he goes, and in general doesn't seem to have ever gotten the memo in how people work.
- The Teetotaler: He not only dislikes alcohol personally, he considers a widow drinking half a glass of wine at her own husband's funeral as her having a drinking problem.
- The Unsmile: On the rare occasion Rudyard smiles, he's usually begged to stop.
- Unsympathetic Comedy Protagonist: Rudyard is rude, cynical, callous and (perhaps unsurprisingly) universally disliked in the village.
- Verbal Tic: Rudyard tends to start sentences with, "Now, look here!" Even when answering the phone.
Antigone Funn
Rudyard's twin sister, a strange and asocial woman who spends most of her time in the mortuary embalming bodies. Unlike Rudyard, she's extremely proud of her craft, but her morbid eccentricities make her off-putting to others, and few are even aware she's still alive from how rarely she puts in an appearance.
- Ambiguously Bi: She's definitely into men, but as a child, her adoration and intense admiration of her science teacher Miss Khatri comes off like a Precocious Crush. She does reject Marlene's advances, but she never gives being straight as a reason why.
- Bunny-Ears Lawyer: Despite her many quirks, when she has enough time and resources, Antigone is actually a pretty good mortician and funeral director. In one episode where she plans an elaborate funeral without Rudyard, she does a stellar job — even Eric is impressed.
- Creepy Mortician: She's known for lurking in the shadows, being allergic to the sunlight, and other habits that classify her as 'creepy', while also being absolutely obsessed with the art of embalming and preparing bodies.
- Foolish Sibling, Responsible Sibling: More often than not she is the responsible twin, as she takes the funerary business far more seriously than her brother and is often pointing out impracticality's of his schemes.
- Jerk with a Heart of Gold: Antigone is cynical, sarcastic, and antisocial, but she's a fundamentally decent person who rarely actually antagonizes anyone — usually she gets dragged into it against her will. It helps that, unlike her brother, she seems to be more shy than anything.
- Meaningful Name: The deeply depressed and cynical Antigone, who handles the embalming duties, shares her name with the heroine of a Greek tragedy, who wound up killing herself after being unable to give her brother a proper burial.
- Nightmare Fetishist: Antigone loves her corpses. (No, not like that.) She prefers to enjoy things that are deeply depressing and upsetting. This even extends to her ideal chocolates being so dark and bitter that they can act as tranquilizers to anyone who eats them.
- No Social Skills: Antigone has a better grasp on human interaction than her brother... in theory. In practice, she's very likely to say something morbid or disturbing and put people off.
- Obliviously Beautiful: She thinks she's ugly, but the admirers she attracts suggest otherwise. Marlene, Sin, and Georgie outright tell her she's gorgeous.
- Shrinking Violet: Unlike her brother, Antigone seems to be more shy and morose than misanthropic.
- Tsundere: Towards Eric, since she can't acknowledge her feelings for him as he's their competition and she lacks all social skills besides.
- Antigone: (disgusted) For God's sake! Do you think I like gorgeous handsome men? Do you?!
- Wild Hair: One of the few concrete details we have about her is that her hair is messy.
Madeleine
Rudyard's one and only friend, a funeral house mouse who's also The Narrator of the series. In hopes of publishing a bestseller, she chronicles the Funn's misadventures in her memoirs while sometimes taking part in Rudyard's schemes.
- Intelligible Unintelligible: When Madeleine is giving narration, she's quite understandable - but in the action, Madeleine only squeaks. Regardless, the Funns, Georgie, and Eric understand her and give her direction without issue.
- Morality Pet: For Rudyard, as she is the only creature, living or dead, that he will show any affection for. He lets her live in the funeral home, chats with her, and even regularly carries her around in his shirt pocket.
- The Narrator: She narrates the story, as she is writing a memoir about everything that happens.
- Nice Mice: Madeleine is a pleasant narrator and Rudyard's only friend in the world.
- Only Friend: She is this for Rudyard, by her own description. This even leads to her becoming upset and insecure when Rudyard befriends Jerry, as Jerry is able to bond with Rudyard over his hatred of Chapman in a way that she can't.
- Tagalong Chronicler: Madeleine usually accompanies any character that she thinks is going to be in the middle of the most exciting events, as she's writing everything down for what she hopes will be her bestseller, Memoirs of a Funeral House Mouse.
Georgina "Georgie" Crusoe
Rudyard's assistant, a talented and yet laid-back young lady who is nonetheless more than capable of holding her own in a fight. She oftentimes must do her best to help Rudyard and Antigone escape from the trouble they bring upon themselves.
- 10-Minute Retirement: She quits Funn Funerals in early Season Two, but can't stand to stay away for even a full twenty-four hours, realizing how much she really does like the Funns. From then on, she splits her time between the Mayor's office and the funeral home, a solution that makes everyone happy.
- Beware the Nice Ones: Most of the time, she's a perfectly polite and friendly person. If you manage to piss her off, though, you're in for a world of hurt.
- Casual Kink: She's a bit of a masochist.Georgie: [after being slapped by Marlene] Yep, that still does it for me. But it'll make talking very difficult if you keep doing it.
- Girl Friday: Her job is to be this to Rudyard. As his assistant, she provides help around the funeral home wherever he needs it... and is often the only one keeping it from imploding on itself. She helps out Antigone, too, but Antigone's generally more on top of things, at least where the mortuary's concerned.
- Hypercompetent Sidekick: She is by far the smartest and most talented person at Funn Funerals. Actually, she's probably the smartest person in Piffling Vale, period.
- Jerkass to One: Georgie is a friendly, easygoing young woman who can get along with anyone... except Eric.
- Meaningful Name: Crusoe, as in Robinson Crusoe. Like the eponymous character, she washed up on an island while travelling (and has been there ever since)
- Nice Girl: Although sarcastic, she is overall pleasant, loyal, and incredibly patient as an employee, evidenced not just by her relationship with Rudyard but also when she works for the woefully incompetent Desmond.
- Only Sane Man: She even claims as much herself—between the bickering Creepy Twins that are the Funns and the Parody Sue with a Dark and Troubled Past that is Eric Chapman, to say nothing of the Cloud Cuckoo Lander villagers, Georgie is the most straight-laced of the cast.Eric: Are [the Funns] insane, or am I?
Georgie: I'm the only one who isn't. - Raised by Grandparents: Georgie spent many years travelling with her Nana before arriving in Piffling Vale, and appears to have no other family.
- Sarcastic Devotee: Georgie is incredibly loyal to the Funns and Funn Funerals. This does not stop her from cracking jokes at their expense at least once an episode.
- Tomboyish Name: Georgie's name is "Georgina," but she's rarely called that.
- Undying Loyalty: Despite her frequent exasperation with them, Georgie is extraordinarily loyal to Rudyard and Antigone, well beyond the call of duty. Especially since it is confirmed Rudyard does not pay her a whole lot.
Eric Chapman
Rudyard's business rival, the funeral director of Chapman's Funerals. After moving to Piffling Vale one day, he proceeds to endear himself to everyone in the village and enjoys unbridled success as a funeral director and councilman, to Rudyard's consternation.
- Abhorrent Admirer: He manages to be this to Georgie, despite being a Chick Magnet to everyone else. He professes love to her, but she just is not interested. Downplayed as he eventually takes the hint; though he still tries in vain to be a friend to Georgie, by season three he takes up an on-again off-again relationship with Lady Templar instead of pining after her.
- Catchphrase: "Enjoy yourself!"
- Chick Magnet: He quickly wins the affections of every woman in town, except Georgie. Who is, naturally, the one he really likes.
- Dark and Troubled Past: He implies he has one, judging from all of the things he's had to do "a long time ago"—having to hide a body, having to eat scorpions in the desert, having some kind of history with MI5, and much more. He also was apparently a Child Soldier. Season 4 reveals he used to work as a spy.
- Friendly Enemy: While he may be pushing the Funns to the brink of bankruptcy, Eric's incredibly friendly to them and has a mutually pleasant relationship with Antigone. While his relationship with Rudyard and Georgie might be dicier, they do come together when it counts.Antigone: He’s ruined our lives for several years, and we send each other Christmas cards.
- Hair of Gold, Heart of Gold: In one of the few solid physical descriptions we get, kind-hearted Eric is described as being a blond.
- Hero Antagonist: Eric Chapman is completely ruining our protagonists lives and running them out of business... by providing a service with actual quality and improving the lives (and deaths) of almost everyone in town.
- Hypocrite: Surprisingly. He lectures Rudyard when the latter tries to poach his clients, but Eric himself has been shown to do so.
- Lonely at the Top: Although he has a lot of admirers, he has no family on the island and the girl he pines after for the first few seasons despises him. The Christmas special in particular has Rudyard realizing that while everyone else is enjoying time with their loved ones, Eric is spending Christmas alone.Eric: God, I'm lonely
- Loved by All: He is handsome, kindhearted, accomplished, and beloved by everyone except our Unsympathetic Comedy Protagonist, his business rival Rudyard Funn. Rudyard is, by contrast, Hated by All. The village can't seem to mention Eric without singing him praises, much to Rudyard's fury, and even worse is that Eric is modest and gracious in the face of it all. The only major character besides Rudyard who dislikes Eric is Georgie, who starts out opposing him simply because she works for Rudyard, but later develops a genuine Irrational Hatred of the man.
- Meaningful Name: Eric Chapman. Chap, as in friend.
- Nice Guy: He is genuinely kind and well-meaning, even when it comes to his rivals the Funns, and all he wants to do is make people happy during sad occasions. He improves life in Piffling Vale for everyone except Rudyard, and the latter he doesn't mean to make miserable. He's also one of the few who truly respects Antigone's work, when most of Piffling Vale just sees her as weird.
- Parody Sue: Eric Chapman is an almost perfect gentleman with a mysterious past, seemingly limitless money, is beloved by everyone, and even if something bad happens to him it usually works out for the better. Hell, he brings literal sunshine wherever he goes. It all works wonderfully since he's there to Foil Rudyard.
- Survivor's Guilt: The finale reveals a lot of his motivation stems from surviving a plane crash when his friend and pilot, Brett, didn't. Eric blames himself for not noting the plane's defect before takeoff and for never finding Brett's body, leaving him without a proper funeral. Eric tries to honor his memory by providing funerals for others, but having never dealt with his own loss he doesn't actually know how to deal with the grieving process.
- Sympathetic Adulterer: In Season 3 he has a relationship with the married Lady Templar, and is implied to have done some things with her in his hot air balloon that he went to confessional over. This doesn't factor into his Nice Guy characterization, however, as apparently Lady Templar's husband doesn't mind and is good friends with him.
- Why Did It Have to Be Snakes?: He's revealed to be afraid of the dark, although by Season 3 he's taking behavioral therapy to combat it.
Secondary Characters
Mayor Desmond Desmond
The uncontested mayor of Piffling Vale, who is often kept very busy and rarely reads the things he is given. Although well-meaning, his old and doddering nature contributes to more than a few conflicts in the series.
- Benevolent Boss: In stark contrast to Rudyard, Desmond is this to Georgie when she becomes his secretary. He's doddering and sometimes exhausting, but he's also extremely kind and a very understanding and patient employer.
- Happily Married: In Season 3, he secretly purchases an engagement ring for Nigel, and they're married in the season finale in one of the happiest occasions for the entire island.
- Permanent Elected Official: Mayor Desmond has held his post for decades now, and is nigh-universally beloved in the town. Oddly, he doesn't run unopposed — Season Three reveals the same person has run against him every election, and always lost. Despite the fact that Desmond always won by a landslide anyway, when his opponent dies, the residents of Piffling object to Desmond literally running unopposed, since, as they put it, an election is only an election if there's an actual choice to be made. Eric says he actually sees their point, which results in him getting strong-armed into running against Desmond... Of course, Status Quo Is God, and Desmond wins by one vote. Out of three.
- Repetitive Name: Mayor Desmond Desmond.
- Straight Gay: He's in a committed relationship with Reverend Wavering, and for the most part averts most homosexual stereotypes, particularly as this is an elderly couple.
Reverend Nigel Wavering
The agnostic and unconventional reverend of Piffling Vale, who frequently performs some very wishy-washy services for Rudyard and Eric's funerals.
- Covert Pervert: He decides to try his hand at writing an erotic novel in Season Three, and collaborates with Antigone when he realizes she's got a talent for it. This is after an episode where he admits to enjoying a dead sea captain's erotic novels during said captain's eulogy.
- Happily Married: Marries the love of his life Desmond Desmond at the end of Season 3, even doubling as his own officiant for the ceremony.
- Meaningful Name: His last name, Wavering, refers to his constantly "wavering" faith and desire to cater to all religious beliefs despite his profession.
- Nice Guy: He's an incredibly sweet old man.
Agatha Doyle
A former constable who runs the sweets shop in Piffling Vale. Despite the fact that she sells sweets, she tries to make as clear as possible to her clientele how bad they are for people's health and especially their teeth. She also, owing to her former profession, loves a good mystery.
- Amateur Sleuth: She fancies herself this, and in fact seems to act as the unofficial law enforcement on the island. Her competence as a detective varies by the episode.
- Meaningful Name: Her name refers to the mystery writers Agatha Christie and Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, as she herself is a lover of mysteries.
- Pungeon Master: She has a habit of making these and laughing at her own jokes with a deep, throaty chuckle.
- Wrong Genre Savvy: As she loves mysteries, she goes by the tropes of detective dramas, such as suspecting Lady Templar of being a thief in one episode because it's a common trope for rich people to steal for the thrill of it.
Dr. Henry Edgware
The one and only doctor in Piffling Vale, who is absolutely driven to exhaustion by his job. He does his best under the circumstances, despite being incredibly sleep deprived and cantankerous as a result. His only source of comfort is his beloved Esther, whom he feels terrible for neglecting due to his job.
- Deadpan Snarker: He's extremely caustic and passive aggressive about his plight, particularly towards the Funns as much of his business comes from them.Edgware: Let me identify real professional stress: running two hospitals without any staff.
[...]
Rudyard: At least you don't have to worry about competition at your own doorstep—!
Edgware: I'd kill for it. - Determined Doctor: He is the only doctor in Piffling Vale, and his hospital has no staff. By season 2, he is running two hospitals all by himself. And yet he refuses to quit or even take a day off unless utterly driven to it.
- Dr. Jerk: He is sarcastic, unsympathetic to his patients, and in general has no bedside manner to speak of. This is because he has no staff, and has to tend to an entire island of people who regularly suffer Amusing Injuries all by himself, while running two hospitals for them. He's so exhausted that he can't help but be rude.
- Loyal Animal Companion: It's revealed at the end of his Day in the Limelight episode that his companion Esther, whom he dotes on so much, is his pet parrot.
- Oh, Crap!: When he hears about the second hospital being established, he's so horrified that it's all he can do to choke out that Piffling Vale "need[s] more doctors".
- Sugar-and-Ice Personality: Season Four reveals he's actually quite a kind man when he's not overworked and exhausted.
- Talking in Your Sleep: He talks in his sleep, and he sleeps often and at bizarre times, which is how Marjorie, who is being held in his hospital, knows everything that's been going on in Piffling Vale.
- Temporary Love Interest: He and Antigone date for a single episode but find that there's No Sparks.
Marjorie Smith
Mayor Desmond's former secretary, before she went on a killing spree and was subsequently arrested and replaced by Georgie.
- Evil Is Hammy: Once her insanity is revealed, she starts Chewing the Scenery with gleeful aplomb.
- Girl Friday: Like Georgie after her, she essentially kept Desmond's office running, handling all the paperwork, phone calls, and general grunt work. She's of the opinion the island would stop functioning if not for her, and she may not actually be wrong about that. After she's arrested, Desmond flounders for a few weeks before hiring Georgie. In Season 4 we learn that she is still running the whole island from prison.
- Motive Rant: As she explains while holding the group at gunpoint in the first season finale, she was driven to madness by the lack of appreciation she received, and began killing people to "let off some steam."
- Serial Killer: Responsible for all the deaths in Season One.
- Vetinari Job Security: While she was already secretly running the village even behind bars, she properly gets her secretary job back in the Grand Finale just because she's the only one who can keep the town running.
Sidney "Sid" Marlowe
The editor and chief (and from what we can see, only reporter) of the local newspaper, Piffling Matters.
- Human-Interest Story: Amusingly, most of his stories seem to this, if only because so very little of consequence actually happens on the island. Sid, for his part, doesn't seem to mind this.
Jennifer Delacroix
The host of Piffling FM, the local radio station.
- Intrepid Reporter: Parodied. She eagerly seeks out breaking news and is always there to report the latest story... such as the fact that she has nearly ten listeners, or the fact that there's a press conference happening.
Georgie's Nana
Georgie's nana, whom she takes care of using her pay from Funn Funerals. She appears to be Georgie's only family, and will appear every once in a while in the podcast.
- Cool Old Lady: She's fun-loving, adventurous, and has quite the impressive romantic life; Georgie herself loves and respects her greatly.
- No Name Given: Her first name—or if she even shares Georgie's surname—has yet to be revealed.
The Local Village Hoodlums
A trio of teenagers who terrorize Piffling Vale... except not really. They spend most of their time loitering about, discussing art and politics, and get on well with Antigone.
- Bomb Throwing Anarchist: The stereotype is poked fun at in the second season, when they've gotten into politics—specifically, anti-capitalism and anarchy. This interest coincides with them suddenly displaying a decent knowledge of homemade explosives. But they've never been known to actually use said knowledge.
- Demolitions Expert: In the second season, Antigone seeks them out to find out what Jerry's up to, and they confirm that he has all the supplies necessary to make a very powerful cherry bomb. They don't seem to have any interest in building one themselves, but you do have to wonder why they know this...
- No Name Given: Their names are never revealed. Everyone simply calls them "the hoodlums."
- Teens Are Monsters: Subverted. Everyone talks about them like they're the scourge of the island, causing all sorts of trouble, but in reality, they're perfectly nice kids who just hang out together, preferring to keep to themselves and discuss whatever cause they've gotten into. They sometimes tag the walls with graffiti and know a little too much about explosives for kids their age, but they don't seem to ever actually bother anybody. Even the Mayor and Agatha Doyle don't seem that worried about their so-called delinquency. Played for Laughs, of course.
- Those Two Guys: ...And That Girl. They're always seen together and never play huge roles in the plot, simply providing commentary and offering a bit of knowledge or encouragement, but primarily acting as comic relief.
Lady Vivian Templar
Piffling Vale's premier socialite, and on-off girlfriend of Eric Chapman.
- G-Rated Drug: She's revealed to be addicted to sugar. Not sweets, sugar specifically. She treats it like she's actually addicted to a drug, complete with Eric trying to keep her from relapsing.
- Impoverished Patrician: Despite her title and flashy lifestyle, she admits in Season Three that she's broke... likely because of said flashy lifestyle with no apparent income to keep it afloat.
- Kick the Dog:
- She's just plain cruel to the Funns in the Season Three premiere. She uses them to make Eric jealous, letting them get excited and prepare for a funeral she has no intention of actually letting them do, and when Eric refuses to take the bait, she dumps them in a very rude and public manner. To throw salt on the wound, she doesn't even apologize to Rudyard, and calls him a "bizarre little man" before she goes. And leaves him with the check... for an expensive dinner she invited him to!
- Her behavior towards Eric in that episode is arguably even worse, since she's supposed to be his friend/girlfriend. But instead she ditches him the second he refuses to give her a free service... even though, as a socialite, he was more than justified in assuming she could afford it, and as he points out, had she just told him she was broke, he would've gladly helped her out. Her pride refuses to let her accept his help or sympathy, and she blows him off again.
- Rich Bitch: She's incredibly self-centered and proud, and has no problem treating the Funns like dirt even when they haven't actually done anything to her. She's also not particularly nice to Eric when you get down to it.
Marlene Magdelena
The ringmistress of the travelling circus. Feared by all, lusted after by Georgie.
- Affectionate Nickname: "Creepy Girl" is one for Antigone.
- Dominatrix: Her entire schtick. She carries a whip and isn't afraid to use it, slaps people who dare disrespect her, commands and controls everyone around her, and is introduced sitting on a throne that is being carried by her favorite strongman.
- I Love You Because I Can't Control You: She falls head-over-heels for Antigone after the latter stands up to her and steals her whip.
- Sensual Slavs: She's Slovakian and very sexy.
- Whip of Dominance: She is a domineering ringmaster who carries a whip with her everywhere and uses it to intimidate her subordinates (i.e., everyone). Georgie finds this impossibly sexy and turns into a babbling, smitten mess every time they're in the same room together, yet Marlene hardly takes notice. At least she doesn't seem to use it on the animals.
- You Are Better Than You Think You Are: She tells Antigone this in "In the Buff," pointing out that she's incredibly beautiful and resilient.
Calliope
An odd, morbid young girl who's a member of the Piffling Scouts.
- Creepy Child: Thought of as such because she wishes to be a mortician and is very passionate about death. Rudyard immediately gets attached.
- Friendless Background: She's an outcast among the other scouts and has no friends at all until Rudyard comes along. Happily averted by the end of the episode, when her peers come to respect her and start treating her nicer.
- Morality Pet: Rudyard is incredibly kind to her, seeing her as a kindred spirit (and, implicitly, noting her resemblance to Antigone).
- Who Names Their Kid "Dude"?: One of the many things her peers pick on her for is her unusual name.
