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New Kids on the Rock
Neil
I didn't realize they let JERKS into the arcade!
Played by: Neil Cicierega
"Neil, a bright young fellow with as many talents as he had ideas. Behind those glasses, he saw the world in a wonderful way."
— "Ryan's Christmas Wish"
- Chromatic Arrangement: Is represented by yellow.
- Geek Physique: Of the tall and thin variety.
- Inelegant Blubbering: When Daxter Flaxter awards him a token declaring him a "real Computer Fighter."
- Mr. Exposition: In "The Vigilante."
- Nerd Glasses: The glasses on their own aren't that bad. But Neil himself displays some nerdy tropes, making frequent pop culture references, being portrayed as the most tech-savvy of the three, and loving video games.
- In "The Money Tree" it's randomly dropped that he was once pursuing an aeronautical engineering degree.
- Requisite Royal Regalia: Wears a crown and fur cape when the New Kids become rich in "The Money Tree," as opposed to Ryan and Kevin's suits and sunglasses.
- Screams Like a Little Girl: Has done this on more than one occasion.
- Speaks in Shout-Outs:
- "This is just like in that movie, National Treasure 2: Book of Secrets!"
- "This reminds me of The Shaggy Dog, starring Tim Allen!"
Kevin
And I can finally open my no-kill retirement home!
Played by: Kevin James
"Kevin James, a young man with more determination and compassion that you could imagine. Now there was an American for you.... Always trying to better the world."
— "Ryan's Christmas Wish"
- Butt-Monkey: The most likely of the trio to be subject to slapstick violence and temporary death.Daxter Flaxter: You only get five lives! Four if you're Kevin.
- Chromatic Arrangement: Is represented by blue.
- Good Is Dumb: Well-intentioned but prone to ridiculous questions.
- "Well, I don't believe in no Pilgrims."
- Eagleland: According to "The Money Tree," his role in the trio is "America." He even uses an American flag as a handkerchief.
- Rousing Speech: Likes to invoke The Power of Friendship whenever the gang is down.
- The Leader: Usually takes up this role.
- Malicious Misnaming: Has been on the receiving end of this trope more than once. Both Max and Daxter Flaxter call him "Kevin Lames."
- Time-Passage Beard: In a literal sense; it's probably the biggest change any of the three have undergone since 2007.
Ryan
Are we in hell?
Played by: Ryan Murphy
"Ryan, a fervent animal rights activist and convicted carjacker. In his den he had a most impressive collection of wizard statues and out-of-print religious texts. Neither of the other New Kids could remember how they actually met Ryan. He'd spend winters in a secret chamber, emerging only at dawn to crow at the rising sun."
— "Ryan's Christmas Wish"
- Beware the Superman: In "The Vigilante" Ryan discovers his fighting skills and takes up a masked superhero identity, but quickly becomes Drunk with Power and starts beating up random civilians.
- Chromatic Arrangement: Is represented by red.
- Cloudcuckoolander: An endless font of Non Sequitur remarks.Neil: Do you know whose face is on that dollar, Kevin? A great man.
Ryan: David Bowie. - Eyepatch After Time Skip: As an old man in "Ryan's Christmas Wish".
- Large Ham: Aside from just himself, he's played an array of ridiculously over-the-top characters: Mister Basement, Trouzar, the Witch, a crazy homeless guy (more than once)...
- "YYYYYYOU look like you're KEEN on MUUUUUUUUUUSIC!"
- Nightmare Fuel Station Attendant: The worrisomely specific revenge fantasy in "Bully Troubles", the doll heads, the bald puppet, the Kevin Voodoo Doll...Neil: I don't know... something about this place gives me the creeps.
Kevin: Are you sure it's not just Ryan?
Ryan: (grins)
Neil: ...No.- His YouTube channel is, in reality, home to some impressive creepypastas
with original stories, camerawork, and narration.
- His YouTube channel is, in reality, home to some impressive creepypastas
- Sharp-Dressed Man: Waistcoats, jackets, ties, and button-downs to the other two's t-shirts and jeans.
- Stroke the Beard: Very fond of this.
John Smith
Boo! I see you, you would-be thieves!
Played by: Jake Quilty-Dunn
The "last remaining Pilgrim," who guards the treasure under Plymouth Rock.
- Anachronism Stew: Neil points out that Pilgrims didn't have swords.
Wendy
Is he gone?
Played by: Kristen Hale
A girl the studio sets up to go on a Romantic Comedy date with Kevin.
- Be Yourself: After Kevin spends the whole date panicking over how to impress her, he seems to finally win her over by being honest... until she fakes being a ghost to avoid having to see him again.
- Dead All Along: Pretends to be this to ghost Kevin.
- Fur and Loathing: Isn't impressed by Kevin's "manly" leather jacket.
Max
Oh, I'll get you, you New Kids ... that SUCK!
Played by: Max Pacheco
The Bully, and longtime enemy of the New Kids.
- Bodyguard Betrayal: Works as a line bouncer for Mitch Dollarton at the arcade, but throws him across the room when he realizes he doesn't intend to give him a turn at Computer Fighters.
- Fingore: Loses a finger trying to pull off the Coin-on-a-String Trick at the arcade.
- The Napoleon: Max Pacheco is 5'7", and has talked about the comedic value of the "biggest, meanest, scariest guy in town" being shorter than all three New Kids.
- Pointless Band-Aid: On his forehead in "Computer Fighters".
- Snap Back: Is killed in "Bully Troubles", but returns in "Computer Fighters".
The Ghoul
Leave this place at once, New Kids on the Rock! Or else!
Played by: Dave Pollick
A mysterious entity that haunts Spooky Manor.
- Eye Scream: Pulls out Kevin's eyes after being unmasked.
- "Scooby-Doo" Hoax: Subverted. Kevin tries to unmask the Ghoul as Old Man Cooper, only to discover that it's an actual tentacled abomination.
Rocky
(bark)
Played by: Faith the Dog
The New Kids' beloved border collie.
- Heroic Dog: Saves Kevin from choking.
- Humanlike Animal Aging: According to her future tombstone, she lives for 67 years.
- Tropey, Come Home: The Misery Meister dognaps her in an attempt to steal Neil, Kevin and Ryan's happiness.
The Misery Meister
Played by: Ashley Rogers
A happiness-hating supervillain who dognaps Rocky in an attempt to ruin Christmas.
- Child Hater: One of the modified traffic signs in his lair reads "Children Stink."
- Dastardly Whiplash: Seemingly a parody of these types of characters.
- Fun-Hating Villain: His main schtick.
- Harmless Freezing: Inflicts this on Ryan.
- Villain Song: Most of which is skipped over via a "Two minutes later" card.
Frosty von Snowman
No crying! Happy thoughts!
Played by: Spencer Hensel
A Living Snowman friend of Neil, Kevin and Ryan's.
- Ass Pull: Played for laughs, there's absolutely no previous setup for the gang being able to summon a magical snowman.
- Heroic R Ro D: Passes out cold after flying Neil, Kevin, and Ryan to the Misery Meister's lair.
- The Power of Love: Uses the New Kids' happy memories to locate Rocky.
Spencer
You guys need new edge. You're totally out of touch with the kids. That's why I'm here to show you bros what's bitchin' and what's totally wack.
Played by: Jake Quilty-Dunn
A fourth New Kid on the Rock, introduced by the studio to appeal to a younger, hipper, trendier audience.
- Hipster: His apathetic attitude and fondness for MySpace and ironic T-shirts get on Neil and Kevin's nerves.
- Human Mail: Neil, Kevin, and Ryan get rid of him by mailing him to Saturn.
- Shoo Out the New Guy: Disappears shortly after being introduced.
The President
It's like my best friend, the Vice President once told me.
Played by: Jerry Cicierega, Kevin Lowney (voice)
The faceless U.S. Commander in Chief, who arrives to save the day after the New Kids destroy the economy with their Money Tree.
- Aesop Enforcer: Burns down the Money Tree to teach Neil, Kevin and Ryan a lesson about responsibility.
- Anachronism Stew: Fought in the Gulf War like George H. W. Bush, plays saxophone and has a date with a girl named Hillary like Bill Clinton, and was a Pennsylvania senator like neither of the above.
- Invisible President: His face is hidden throughout his appearance.
- Willfully Weak:The President: When I was a junior senator of Pennsylvania, I had to walk seven miles to work every day. Not once did I give in and use magic.
Mitch Dollarton III
Now, now, don't begrudge those of us who can afford the finer luxuries in life.
Played by: Dan Hamilton
An Upper-Class Twit who dominates the Computer Fighters machine at the arcade due to owning the game at home.
- And I Must Scream: His soul ends up forever trapped inside a pinball machine.
- Take That!: In early drafts, his name was "Mitch Romney."
- That One Player: Is able to defeat anybody who challenges him due to having practiced Computer Fighters more than anyone else.
- Wealth's in a Name: With a surname like Dollarton, he clearly comes from an affluent family.
Daxter Flaxter
With Video Games ... Anything Is Possible.
Played by: Joe Botsch
A legendary, Totally Radical Computer Fighters champion with Reality Warper abilities.
- Accidental Misnaming: The New Kids repeatedly call him by wrong names, including "Dasher Baxter," "Dazzler Boxer" and "Proctor Tractor."
- A Lady on Each Arm: In Vid Kid with two obviously Photoshopped-in women.
- Cool Shades: Wears these at all times.
- Lightning Can Do Anything: His bio in Vid Kid◊ implies he got his powers in a freak lightning storm that annihilated a Mega Arcade.
- Psychopathic Manchild: Threatens to take Neil, Kevin and Ryan's souls if they can't beat his challenge.
- Effectively murders Mitch Dollarton for hogging the Computer Fighters machine.
- In the Boston Underground Film Festival promo, he changes a fire extinguisher into an electric guitar, an asthma inhaler into a Snickers bar, and blinds a snobby moviegoer for wanting to watch The English Patient.
- Smoking Is Cool: Apparently sells cigarettes on TV.
- The Game Come to Life: Ostensibly this, though he was a real person at some point.
Other
Job / The Lawn-Mowing Man
Your ass is grass!
Played by: Kevin James
A "loser" who dies after a virtual reality prank gone wrong, and returns as a vengeful electric entity.
- Holy Burns Evil: Ryan temporarily defeats him by reading from the Bible.
- Non-Indicative Name: He can control electromagnetic waves, like a lawnmower.
- Despite his biblical name, he can't stand simply reading from the bible.
- Stacy's Mom: Apparently always flirts with Neil's mom.
- Weaksauce Weakness: Simply quoting a Bible passage is enough to defeat him. Almost.
"Beyond Believability: FACT or False" Ryan
So, were you able to navigate through the waters of deception and find your way to the islands of truth? Sometimes, the difference between the two can be so thin, it's not hard to see why we call our conclusions beyond believability.
Played by: Ryan Murphy
The dubiously trustworthy host of a parody version of Beyond Belief: Fact or Fiction.
- Blatant Lies: Confidently states that it's impossible for a digital clock to read 12:34, and that he personally saw the plot of Jurassic Park happen.
- Poor Man's Porn: The "pornography" he prints out at the library is a fully clothed headshot of Sarah Michelle Gellar.
- Pungeon Master: Like the actual Jonathan Frakes. Unlike the actual Jonathan Frakes, his puns aren't always related to the story.Ryan: Could jars really hold profanities inside of them? Or are we just mason around?
Ryan: Was [the tale of the vengeful skeleton] true? Or are we just barking up the wrong tree?
Mister Basement
Basements account for approximately one-third of the floor space of the average American home!
Played by: Ryan Murphy
A strange man who lives in Kevin's basement. As his name suggests, he is obsessed with basements.
- Barrier Maiden: Is apparently one for the very concept of basements, and when Kevin kills him, it results in the basement (and likely every basement) disappearing.
- Basement-Dweller: But of course.
- Cloudcuckoolander: A strange figure who mostly talks about basements, and doesn't really like talking about anything else.
- Offscreen Teleportation: Demonstrates this ability when Neil tries to leave, appearing in front of him even while Neil was looking at him.
- Sharp-Dressed Man: A given, since he's played by Ryan. With a vest, top hat and fingerless gloves.
