The main protagonist. After being taunted by Dick Cheney, a glowing baseball bat appears in front of Jon, who uses it to kill monsters. It later turns out that the fate of the world is in his hands.
- Battle Aura: It's blue, matching his eyes.
- Heterosexual Life-Partners: with Stephen
- How Do I Shot Web?: Initially.
- Jon: That was close! Man, the instruction booklet of this bat must be the size of a phone book!
- "I Know You Are in There Somewhere" Fight Says this almost verbatim to Stephen.
- Journey to the Center of the Mind: A magical voice (Tek's master)tells him to man up after being knocked into a building by Conan O'Brien.
- Shock and Awe: The bat uses lightning, kind of.
- The Cloudcuckoolander Was Right: He has said for years that Cheney was evil, and no one believed him.
- The Hero
Found a magic staff under his studio, a weapon that renders him nigh-untouchable with its great flexibility. It is the reflection of Stephen's will to survive. As such, it is relatively easy to bend that if it would fall into the wrong hands. It happens. Cheney gets Stephen's weapon, this also causes his will to survive to mentally bend, mangle into the will to evil instead.
- Animal Motifs: Birds, more specific a phoenix. One of them adorns his spear, and he is frequently confronted with bird-related remarks.He even gains wings later on.
- Battle Aura: It's red, matching his eyes. It's temporary purple.
- Brainwashed and Crazy
- Distressed Dude
- Demonic Possession
- Glowing Eyes of Doom: When evil. Bonus for still tying in to the color sheme.
- Heterosexual Life-Partners: With Jon.
- Mind Rape: by Cheney
- Playing with Fire: Sort of.
- Power Gives You Wings
- Red Eyes, Take Warning: Subverted, he's one of the protagonists as long as his eyes stay red, that is.
- Shipper on Deck: He has his moments.
- The Lancer: Literally.
Has the ability to control money to form any shape he desires. Also, occasionally, to exorcise people with it. His money is something he personally designs in whatever form he wants. It represents his nature to "hold on"; he is willing to actively grasp and protect those he attaches him to (with a fetch quest) rather than simply hoping for them to stay with him.
- Battle Aura: It's green, matching his eyes and showing his affinity with money.
- Green Eyes: Obviously.
- Screw the Rules, I Have Money!: Steve solves every problem the Hollywood way: by throwing lots of money at it.
- The Smart Guy
- Thief Bag: A large sack on his back carries all his money. It's not said it is stolen, but judging the size of it really makes you wonder where he got it.
Tek has increased endurance and focus in a fight thanks to his Alpha Squad training and wears a bracelet that can track others and is information storage. He's also an expert at kicking moves. His weapon is his blaster, which is a reflection of his nature and powerful will. Unlike any of the others, Tek cannot protect himself...it cannot block, it cannot clash. It can only strike, just as Tek charges ahead, suffering whatever he must in order to enact his will.
- Alien Among Us: Hails from a parallel universe.
- Damned by Faint Praise: All of his compliments to Jon are this, although he upon learning Jon is destined to be the new owner of the bat, respects him.
- Darkand Troubled Past: On a desperate mission when Tek was still in Alpha Squad training, Tek's Master valiantly gave his life in a fierce battle against the 'Dark One' himself in order to complete their very important task to send the Tesla Bat through the portal. His universe already lost to the darkness, Tek vowed to avenge his fallen Master and set out to defeat the 'Dark One' all on his own.
- Mr. Exposition: Not to the extent of John Oliver, but he still has his moments.
- Prepare to Die: Here.
Is a Time Lord, but cannot remember the events leading up to the end of the Time War and his arrival on earth. He has a shrewdriver as weapon. This is significant how he is destined to close the portals in multiple universes, and represents his time travel theme (he's able to 'fix' time). The fact that it is very unpredictable and that it seemingly has a will on its own, signifies that his weapon has the lead, and not John himself.
- Alien Among Us
- Jon: 'My friends and I are from this planet, and while everyone on my staff has supernatural powers, we're all human.'John: 'Er, actually-'Jon: 'We get to you later! The point is, start making sense or the fireworks start again. Got it?'
- Battle Aura: It's yellow, matching his eyes and indicating time travel.
- Mr. Exposition: When he is asked to explain his backstory, he tells all the things he knows. Everything, yes, everything. Even if they're in the middle of a monster strife.
- Phlebotinum Breakdown: his vortex screwdriver has been known to break at crucial times
- Scarf of Asskicking: In what appears to be a callback to the Fourth Doctor, as there is never an explanation for it.
Samantha Bee and Jason Jones
Sam and Jason mistake the apocalypse for the signal to start the Canadian invasion of America. Sam wields an ice hockey stick, while Jason shoots exploding roses. Samantha's scythe (she names it herself a hockey stick but it's more akin to a scythe) gives her great agility, and also represents her head-on nature.Jason's roses are likely a callback to Sailor Moon, but it's also representative that he wants to throw things off his back and then wait until they land and explode; kind of a onlooker nature. That's why he always sticks to Samantha.
- An Ice Person: Sam. She even has 'ice' blue eyes.
- Canada, Eh?
- The Cavalry: They later act as this for some of the other characters. Lampshaded here.
- Happily Married: Jason rushes to his wife's defense when Jon immobilizes her.
- Oh Crap!: 'Mistakes have been made.'
- Shiny New Australia: Sam was apparantly promised New York for her services.
- Shout-Out: To the fact that Sam played Sailor Moon at the Canadian National Exhibition.
Is secretly an evil alien overlord who has taken over multiple universes, with his sights now set on Earth. Apparantly spent years sowing enough fear and hate for his invasion to go off without any major problems.
- Beethoven Was an Alien Spy: Obviously.
- Big Bad
- Devil in Plain Sight: He acknowledged to Jon that he was right all along—Cheney is evil!
- Evil Overlord
- For the Evulz: Yonathan notes that Cheney has no interest in ruling his conquered worlds—just destroying them.
- Good Colors, Evil Colors: Everything that has purple glowing eyes or a purple color sheme is in control of him.
- Mind Rape: to Stephen.
Stephanos and Yonathan
The evil twins of Stephen and Jon. Cheney's most trusted henchmen, these two act as heralds when Cheney begins his assault on an unsuspecting universe.
- Animal Motifs: Stephanos has a spider motif, and Yoni has a wolf motif and can transform into one. Their symbols match this (Yoni's one faintly). The fact that Stephanos has a spider motif might be because he frequently was/is the person who likes to be and was in control. The wolf motif of Yonathan is probably reflective of his brash and savage nature. The wolf also represents loyalty, which is fitting to the fact that he only is being evil because his best friend is.
- Bonus points for Stephanos' spider motif, as there is a specie of a trapdoor spider that is called after Stephen.
- Died in Your Arms Tonight: Yonathan in the arms of Stephanos. Or did he?
- Evil Twin: To Stephen and Jon.
- Heel–Face Turn
- Insult Backfire: Stephanos enjoyed being evil.Jason Jones: You *cough* bastard!Stephanos: Oh, flattery won’t save you now!
- Love Martyr: Yonatan.
- Not So Different: Their weapons are reminiscent of those of their counterparts; however, there is a main difference. Yoni uses instead of a bat like his counterpart, claws and pure strength.
- Minion Shipping: Stephenos and Yonathan have all-but declared this to be canon.
- Pietà Plagiarism: Stephanos holds Yonatan this way after the latter’s Heroic Sacrifice.
- Please, I Will Do Anything!: Stephanos’s bargain with Jon Stewart if he saves Yonatan’s life.
- Unlucky Childhood Friend: Oh, Yonatan
- Woobie, Destroyer of Worlds: Yonatan. The only reason he's helping the Dark One with the destruction of worlds is because of his unrequited crush on his childhood friend, who sought power.