Warp That Aesop / American Beauty

• Ephebophilia is totally acceptable provided the person in question isn't a virgin.
• Blackmailing one's boss will not have legal repercussions; do it.
• Masturbating in bed next to one's spouse will not have marital repercussions; do it.
• For that matter, neither will blowing half the family's yearly income on a car one wants without consulting one's spouse. In fact, this is actually quite a turn on.
• Drug dealers make great boyfriends.
• Only men deserve sexual gratification. Women should be made to feel ashamed for seeking it out.
• All homophobes are really closet homosexuals who need a hug.
• If a homosexual person comes on to you, don't turn them away, however gently: they will turn homicidal.
• Buying a car is an expression of independence and individuality. Buying a couch is shallow and materialistic.
• Leaving your mentally ill mother to fend for herself is A-OK if you're doing it for love.
• If someone is continually seen to be videotaping you, they're probably an interesting, sensitive soul.
• Showing a girl a video of a plastic bag blowing in the wind is a fast track to getting laid.
• Being a devoted and loyal father, husband and breadwinner for decades will only lead to your being made the target of your family's neglect and disdain. So don't bother.
• However, if you try to stand up for yourself and have a little fun, you'll get shot. So don't bother with that, either.
• Everyone who smokes marijuana and listens to Pink Floyd is an Erudite Stoner who has life figured out better than you do, even if they're a teenager.
• Inane self help tapes and meaningless mantras drive you to kill.
• Quitting your well-paid job and becoming a fast food cashier while supporting a family is okay if you're doing it to stick it to the man.

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