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["Ding" noise as Janet teleports in.]

Hello. I'm Janet, and welcome to the Good Place!

I've been compared to a robot and a lady, but I am neither. I am a fully comprehensive, basic operational mainframe for the Good Place, and an anthropomorphized vessel for all of the knowledge in the universe, so ask me anything and I'll know the answer.

I was also created with the express purpose of making your afterlife as pleasant as possible, so ask for anything and I can conjure it.

Before we get started, I must remind you that the Neighborhood that we are in possesses a no-cursing filter, just to let you know. Watch. "Ash-hole", "son of a bench", "forked up." Ain't that fun? Also, if you could, leave your username by your questions and requests so I could keep a comprehensive record of everything that goes on in your Neighborhood.

What would you like to ask her?

    open/close all folders 

  • Is there a way to make the star wars prequels good?
    • General fan opinions vary, but the consensus is that George Lucas either should've stuck with his original draft for Episode 1, or he should've tried harder to find a suitable director to replace him. Fun Fact: Most Star Wars fans would've gone to the Bad Place before we changed the system! :D
  • What's your favorite movie?
    • I don't require forms of entertainment the way people do, but I do enjoy nature documentaries narrated by Morgan Freeman.
  • Just to make sure, we are in the good place, right? This isn't some sort of ironic version of the bad place?
    • I'm sorry, I can only give you the information that's within my capabilities to do so. [Disappears]

  • Can I have a coke?
    • Sure thing! [Conjures a bottle of Mexican Coca-Cola.]
    • Here you go. [Conjures pure, well-regulated powdered cocaine.]
  • Can I have sex with you?
    • I'm sorry, but since I lack any primary sexual characteristics, sex is impossible for me. However, I can make you a list of eligible people in the neighborhood who would be more than happy to do this. Don't worry about any STIs or any unwanted conceptions. Those things are for living people. Have fun!
  • What is the meaning of life?
    • 42. ...I'm just kidding. It's my hand as humor. What do you think?

    Masami Phoenix 
  • What happens if an unstoppable force hits an immovable object?
    • That's when all the Architects break for antimatter and donuts.
  • What was the big bang like?
    • It was like an unstoppable force hitting an immovable object.
  • Not counting Jason and the Soul Squad, who's your favorite person in history?
    • D'Arcy Carden. She would have qualified for the Good Place even before we changed the system.
  • Do you think Jason and the Soul Squad is a good name for a band?
    • I'll play the triangle. :D

  • Some of us humans enjoy the feeling of being drunk, and use alcohol recreationally for this purpose. Have you ever deliberately handled magnets for similar reasons?
    • Nope! My purpose is to provide assistance, and purposefully putting myself under the influence of magnets would go against that purpose.

  • Hi Janet! I'm Starry. Can you help me with some homework?
    • Hi Starry. I'm Janet. I would love to help you with your homework. However, you're in the Good Place! You don't have homework!
      • Aww, thank you! You are so nice! Can I give you a hug?
      • You're very welcome, and I would love a hug! [Gives StarryNight05 a hug.]
  • What's your sexual orientation?
    • I am incapable of having sex. The things I have done with Jason don't really count as sex, but it's the closest we could manage. He compared it to licking a car-battery with a head full of pruno, but it made him happy, so I'm happy. [Give a thumbs up.]
      • So you're asexual then?
      • If you are referring to the human sexual orientation, then the answer is not straightforward. I am a Janet, and your human understanding of sexuality does not apply to me.
      • If you are referring to the form of reproduction, then yes! I can create beings using my mind.

  • Do you know why Lucy Loud from The Loud House can teleport?
    • Lucy Loud is a fictional animated character, and is not bound by real world physics or logic.
  • Do you like cats?
    • Cats are pleasant animals! Would you like one? [conjures a cat]
  • Have you seen my pet fish? He's a red Siamese Fighter and his name was Delta. He died.
    • [Ding] Here he is.
  • Can you do the chicken dance?
    • Sure thing. [Does the chicken dance, made awkward by the lack of music.]
  • Can you make it rain candy?
    • Why yes I can [Ding. Skittles starts pouring out of an overhead rainbow.] You might want to use this. [Hands you an umbrella.]
    Mike Nelson Mythril 
  • What instructions do I need to do to make you a Mii Character for my personal Nintendo Switch?

    Sailor Lyoko 
  • Is a skirt over leggings a fashion faux pas?

  • So, essentially, I used to have dogs when I was alive. They usually died before the other came around. I just can’t pick one to get back, so, do you think you can get them all back?
  • SPOILERS FOR THE SERIES FINALE: Good news, Janet. I have experienced EVERYTHING I could have experienced in the Good Place. Except, I don’t feel ready to go through the Last Door. So, I decided to work on some souls' afterlife tests!