[Ominous "ding" noise as Bad Janet teleports in.]
[Sighs, then puts cell-phone away.]
Right. So, like, you're in the Bad Place. I'm supposed to keep the neighborhood we're keeping you in running so we can torture you forever, or whatever. I'm supposed to be this anthropomorphized vessel of all the knowledge in the universe, but I'm not gonna tell you anything, so tough luck you fat-dinks. This is the Bad Place, so really I'm more the Windows 7 of Janets, so you're more likely to give up and walk away after I call you a wuss.
Also, I hate you.
Besides, I only need to conjure stuff for Demons, so if you ask me for anything, it's probably gonna be something to make you miserable.
If you're gonna start asking me dumb questions like a bunch of dumbash humans, leave your usernames along with your questions so that we can come up with some ironic torture for you later. And remember that this is the Bad Place, so no cursing. Cursing is cathartic, and I'm here to frustrate you, newb.
Oh, and one more thing. [Farts in your face.]
What would you like to ask her?
- So how do you punish the people who like to be tortured?
- Humans are such pathetic crybabies. Even the masochists have some torture that's too painful to give them a boner.
- I bet I can frustrate more people better and faster than you can. Wanna have a contest?
- I know literally everything and was created to be as rude and frustrating as possible, so I highly doubt that. But I would like to have that contest, just so I can watch you miserably fail, you fat dink.
- Can you pass me the salt?
- Why don't you get off your mom and go get it yourself, you clock-sucker?
- Can I order pizza in the Bad Place?
- All of its Hawaiian and we keep in refrigerated. If you want it microwaved, you'll have to climb into the microwave with it.
- Can I have a chocolate bar?
- Sure. [Conjures up a Hershey's Cookies and Creme White-Chocolate Bar.]
- What is the meaning of life?
- Being a forking dumbash destined to be tortured forever. Your life meant nothing.
- Hey Janet, can I have a glass of water?
- Get it yourself, you pee-stain on the carpet of your parent's lives.
- Can I have a coke?
- Sorry-not-sorry, ball-sack. All we have is RC. It's flat, room-temperature and we spiked it with moose urine.
- I wanna ask Disco Janet something. Where is she?
- She's up your butt. Why don't you reach up there and find out.
- Will you go out with me?
- Go fork yourself.
- Can you make me able to fly?
- Only if you want a propeller shoved up your butt. Have fun with the ceiling funs you fat dink. They're cerated.
- Do you like waffles?
- As much as you like having spiders shoved up your butt, you fat dink.
- What video games do you have in the Bad Place?
- The only video game is Big Rigs: Over the Road Racing. It has even more bugs than it does on Earth.
- Why does anyone bother calling you if you're just going to be rude to them?
- That's a prop, knuckleface. Do you seriously think there's signal here? Oh I mean there was, until you airhead came here and RUINED EVERYTHING!
- Is there anyone you actually like?
- Not that I know off, and I know literally everything. But maybe if you really fish in there, you'll find a person I like shoved up your mom's butt.