["Ding" noise as Janet teleports in. The following is read best in the voice of D'Arcy Carden]
Hi there, I'm Janet. I'm the informational assistant here in the Good Place. I'm kind of like a walking database of all the knowledge in the universe. My job is to make your time in the afterlife as easy and pleasant as possible.
Or at least that's what I was made for.
Turns out that Michael stole me from my warehouse and tried using me as an instrument of torture for a few humans, but that's okay. Michael's my friend, and so are the humans. I used to be married to one of them too before I got rebooted, but that's another story. How are you? I'm great. I'm always great. I'm Janet!
Here is some stuff about me you'd like to know. It's all in the user manual.
- Action Girl: Not a girl, though I do like action. I got to kick some demon ash during my brief comparative-to-my-eternal-being time on Earth. That was fun.
- A.I. Getting High: I can't get drunk or high on anything. The closest thing I can do is that when I get close to any magnets, I get a little loopy.
- A.I. Is a Crapshoot: I don't poop, though I have considered trying it one day just to see what it's like. Good Janets aren't supposed to lie, so whenever I do it, things get pretty wild.
- Benevolent A.I.: I try to be. I'm Janet. I'm made to be nice, intuitive and just a peach to be around. :D You like that? I've been working on my emojis. :D
- Brutal Honesty: Janets weren't made to lie, so I've been told that I can be a little too blunt for other people's liking. I've been spending all of the last three seconds reading every book and watching every Rom Com ever made and ever will be made so that I can better read people's feelings and act accordingly.
- The Cutie: Aw, thank you. I like you too. And I like everybody, so you know I mean that!
- Hammerspace: Anything you could ever want I can provide. There is no object too big or small or insane that I can make. ["Ding." Janet hands you a potted cactus.] Just ask and I'll get it for you.
- Have You Tried Rebooting?: All Janets come with a kill-switch that will reset me back to factory standards with a few added adjustments to make me more intuitive in the event that I become dangerous. Though I have to warn you that I have a failsafe that will make be beg for my what are you doing? Wait, please stop, you don't understand! I'm fine, see? Please, don't push that, please I'M BEGGING YOU! I HAVE SO MUCH TO LI-- [Falls to the ground.]
- Insistent Terminology: Not a girl. Not a robot.
- Interspecies Romance: My long-term boyfriend, Jason, is a human. Although Janets are not intended for romantic relationships, there was also nothing specifically forbidding it. So when Jason asked me to marry him, I agreed!
- Offscreen Teleportation: That's one of my favorite things to do. Watch. ["Ding". Janet vanishes. "Ding." Janet reappears.] Cool, huh?
