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Quotes / The Order of the Stick

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"Three words: Sneak Attack, bitch!"
Haley Starshine

"I may be in error, but I believe the appropriate proclamation is: "Sneak Attack, bitch"."

"Who cares how many people I have to kill?! I can always make more in my tummy!"
Kazumi Kato

"I tell you, nobody around here respects my schedule. Do you think crushing an entire civilization beneath our heels 'just happens'? It's all fun and games for them, but I'm the one who has to make the magical lightning-powered trains run on time."

"not nale, not-nale. thog help nale nail not-nale, not nale. and thog knot not-nale while nale nail not-nale. nale, not not-nale, now nail not-nale by leaving not-nale, not nale, in jail."
Thog, #367

"Your broken corpses will taste delicious lightly seasoned with nutmeg!"
Monster in the Darkness

"Humans... I've come to expect your lack of respect for the lives of MY people, but I am still continually amazed at how little you value those of your own.
You're nothing but savages, amoral savages."

"I am somewhat preoccupied with telling the laws of physics to sit down and shut up."

"Sacrificing minions: Is there any problem it can't solve?"

"As the size of an explosion increases, the number of social situations it is incapable of solving approaches zero."

Belkar Bitterleaf

"Solve a man's problems with violence, help him for a day. Teach a man to solve his problems with violence, help him for a lifetime!"
Belkar Bitterleaf

"Disintegrate. Gust of wind. Now can we please resume saving the world?"

(To the tune of Danny Boy)
O buddy Roy, the Lich, the Lich came calling
From round to round and in the air this day,
And though we have all found ourselves a-falling,
'Tis you, 'tis you went splat and we're OK.

But come ye back when Raise Dead has been cast
After cash for Diamond Dust we pool,
'Cause we'll be here tomorrow after breakfast,
O buddy Roy, O buddy Roy, you're pretty cool.

But if tomorrow, it turns out we got smacked down
If we're dead, our hit points worn away,
Then sorry dude, you won't be coming back now;
One death sucks, but six spells T-P-K.

I won't see you in the afterlife in that case
Because you're Lawful, and Chaotic Good am I
And I don't think they'll let me hang at your place.
O buddy Roy, O buddy Roy, why did you die?
Elan, "O Buddy Roy"

Vaarsuvius: Fascinating. Durkon, I have just now formulated a theory that encompasses both Nale's most likely method of engagement and the most suitable response on our part.
Vaarsuvius: Ah, I see you have already grasped the core principles of my theory.

Elan: (being chased by Tarquin's guards) Man! Is having someone who points out the clichés in all your plans always this annoying?
Haley: I love you, so I'm not going to answer that.

"Beating heart... breathing lungs... positive hit point total... I'M BACK IN THE GAME!"
Roy Greenhilt

Durkon: ...So that explains why ye just Charmed a muskrat inta humpin' Belkar's bare feet.
Vaarsuvius: Hmm? Oh no, that is merely for my own personal amusement.
Belkar: What the— Arrgh! Get off! Wild Empathy Check! WILD EMPATHY CHECK!!!

O-Chul: (in prisoner's underwear, having been imprisoned and tortured for months and put through death traps for Xykon's amusement, hit by Disintegrate and Meteor Swarm and entirely unarmed, facing an Epic-leveled Lich Sorcerer) FOR AZURE CITY!!
Xykon: Wow. You've got some +5 Holy Cojones on you, paladin, I'll give you that.

Pretty much anybody: You call it your Trouser Titan?
Roy: Not the point!

"Your life is much like this Go board, my friend. You have allowed yourself to be surrounded by enemy pieces-people who wish to bend you to their will, to remove your unique voice from the board and replace it with one of... of mindless subservience. But as you correctly point out, you are still holding two empty places in the center. They are your heart and your mind. They are the places that make you what you really are. Do you wish to surrender one of them so easily?"

"The truth is, we don't really know what is going on anymore."

"The phrase is Smite Evil, not Bump Uglies."

"I take back 80% of the bad things I've said about you in the last hour."

Vaarsuvius: I see. When the halfling eschews logic and makes decisions emotionally, it is problematic. But when you do it, it is valid.
Roy: NO! Maybe. My gut is smarter than his gut!

"That's you. You said those words. You can hang there and pretend you're so much nobler than I am, but for that one moment? You felt exactly how I feel. You are who you are on your very worst day, Durkon. Anything less is a comforting lie you tell yourself to numb the pain.'
The High Priest of Hel, in one of the best Breaking Speeches of all time.

"You're not Good, at least not any definition of Good that I would want to follow. You follow the letter of the alignment description while ignoring its intent. Sure, you fight Evil, but when was the last time you showed a "concern for the dignity of sentient beings"? You're just a mean socially inept bully who hides behind a badge and her holier-than-thou morality as excuses to treat other people like crap."
Roy Greenhilt, giving Miko a "The Reason You Suck" Speech

"Everyone who can't fly, get on the dinosaur. We're punching through."

"It always seemed weird to me to get mad about things going wrong, as if everything turning out ok was promised to anyone, ever. There wouldn't need to be paladins if the world was, like, fair."

"I think I just had an evilgasm."

"We're trained professionals. Well, we're semi-trained quasi-professionals, at any rate."

"I have had quite enough of this, young man. Defending Greenhilt was misguided, but understandable — but then you go and hide behind that washed up buffoon? Trying to steer the whole story in another direction? Unacceptable! [...] It has become clear to me that the only way you will accept your proper role is for me to utterly crush you here and now. So I am going to murder your lowlife girlfriend, burn this ship and everyone on it to ash, and chop off your hand. BECAUSE THAT IS HOW THESE THINGS ARE DONE! And when you are off brooding and healing for our inevitable final duel, I want you to remember one thing: that you forced me to do this. Just like Nale did."
General Tarquin neatly sums up his worldview.

"You seem to have an interest in power, so let me educate you a little while I search for you. It's sort of this thing I like to do sometimes, especially for learned wizards such as yourself.

Power, it isn't something that you put on or take off like a jacket. It's something you just ARE. If you can lose it by blowing two Will saves, you never really had any power in the first place, see what I'm saying?

Hell, the idiot paladin understands better than you do, 'cause he got every one of those hit points I burned off him the hard way: he earned them.


I used to think spells equaled power, too, back when I was alive. I've learned a lot since then.

You know what does equal power? Power. Power equals power. Crazy, huh? But the type of power? Doesn't matter as much as you'd think. It turns out, everything is oddly balanced. Weird, but true.

For example:"

(Suddenly grabs an invisible Vaarsuvius by the throat)

"...Right now, power takes the form of a +8 racial bonus to Listen skill checks.

So, uncle Xykon, what's the moral of the story? A big pile of spells isn't enough when the other guy has a big pile of spells AND the power to crush your windpipe with his bare phalanges.

And they died happily ever after. The End."

"An' wha kinda dwarf would I be in'n I did tha? If'n I put me happiness ahead o' tha lives- tha very souls- o' five others? Sometimes, bein' a dwarf means takin' feelings like tha an' burying 'em inna deep dark part of yer soul- -an' ne'er talkin' aboot 'em again"
Sigdi Thundershield

"You. YOU! How dare you make me think about things, Durkon! How could you not think about how your selflessness would affect ME?!?"
Belkar Bitterleaf

"Ye told me b'fore tha ye are who ye are on tha worst day of yer life. An' tha's true. Tha's 100% true. But ye know who else ye are? Ye are who ye are on tha next day. Tha day ye wake up an' haf ta decide: are ye gonna make this tha new worst day of yer life, or na? An' ye are who ye are tha day after tha, which can also be yer worst day...or na. Ye are who ye are on all o' yer days. All o' 'em. Includin' tha best and worst ones. An' when ye haf a new worst day, ye can get stuck thar, lookin' back on it an' worryin'. An' tha's normal. But sooner or later, ye gotta take all tha pain an' do sumthin' wit it. Try ta make sumthin' better outta it.
Durkon Thundershield rebukes the above Breaking Speech.

"Well, Durkon... now we're even, I guess. Now it's time for me to put my faith in you."


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