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Quotes / Jimmy Carr

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"If we're all God's children, what's so special about Jesus?"

"There's a very easy way to tell if your house is haunted: it isn't. Grow up."

"The first few weeks of joining Weight Watchers, you're just finding your feet."

"A surprising amount of my jokes sound very implausible but are true."

"I am trying to release endorphins here. I am not preaching to you - I am trying to make you laugh."

"As soon as I did my first five minutes of stand-up I knew that I would rather be a failure at comedy than a success in marketing."

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"I hate those emails where they try to send you penis enhancers. I got ten just the other day. Eight of them from my girlfriend. It's the two from my mum that really hurt."

"When I was a kid I had an imaginary friend and I used to think that he went everywhere with me, and that I could talk to him and that he could hear me, and that he could grant me wishes and stuff. And then I grew up, and I stopped going to church."

Stephen Fry: What is three times more dangerous than war?
Jimmy Carr: Three wars.

"When I see an emo, I don't see one person. I see two disappointed parents."

"If a man sleeps with a lot of women, he's called a stud. Whereas, if a woman sleeps with a lot of men, she's called your mum."

"'Send a salami to your boy in the army.' I think some ammunition would be more useful."

"Wouldn't a better sign to show apathy just to be not to bother?"
—On the iconic "put your hands in the air like you just don't care" phrase

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"I realized I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat."

"I like to go into the body shop and shout out really loud, 'I've already got one!'"

"Swimming is good for you, especially if you're drowning. Not only do you get a cardiovascular workout but also you don't die."

"I have no problems with buying tampons. I am a fairly modern man. But apparently they're not a 'proper present.' Happy birthday, Mum!"

"In Pizza Express you can get garlic bread with cheese and tomato. Now correct me if I'm wrong, but that's a pizza."

"A big girl once came up to me after a show and said, 'I think you're fatist.' I said, 'No. I think you're fattest.'"

"A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said, 'Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?' I said, 'Alright, but we're not going to get much done.'"

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"I saw that show, 50 Things to Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was, 'shout for help.'"

"The American police have said they will never forget 9/11. Pretty hard too, I would think, considering it's your phone number."

"Boxers don't have sex before a fight. Do you know why that is? Because they don't fancy each other."

"If [my grandma]'s alone and falls, does she make a noise? I'm joking, she's dead."

"They say dolphins are intelligent. Only compared to the retarded kids they've gone swimming with."

"They say there's safety in numbers; tell that to 6 million Jews."

"If you want my comeback, you'll have to scrape it off your mum's teeth."

Jimmy Carr: It's just so stupid, isn't it, beating your wife. It's your wife. It's like keying your own car.
David Mitchell: Society just got a tiny bit worse.
Jimmy Carr: I like to think I've helped.
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