Quotes / Hudson Hawk

Kaplan: We blow up space shuttles for breakfast. You and your friend Tommy would be little more than... a late-afternoon Triscuit.

Gates: So, when's this Sebastian-Cabot-Buckingham-Palace-looking butler-head motherfucker getting here?

Gates: Alright you limey fuck, I stuck my neck out for this, now where's my cut?
(Alfred produces a short sword from his sleeve and slashes Gates' throat)
Alfred: So much for his 'cut.'

Hudson: You fuck my freedom for a lousy job?!

Hudson: Catholic girls are scary.

Hudson: I had the worst ketchup when I was in prison. (freezes, realizing his slip)
Anna: Prison?!
Hudson: (unconvincingly) ... I was the warden?

Darwin: What can I say? I'm the villain.

Hudson: Tommy, the sign says no horseplay in the pool area!
Tommy: This isn't horseplay, it's a major felony!

Cesar Mario: Nice work. Not pretty, but nice.

Hudson: Call me superstitious, but I don't like breaking the law within 24 hours of getting out of the joint.

Cesar Mario: It's simple. You take their thingy, and you put it in this thingy.
Hudson: Directions even your brother can understand.
Antony Mario: Yeah! Even I can under—
Cesar: Shaddup.

Anna: That doesn't mean I don't still love you.
Hudson: Of course you love me! It's your job! I bet you even love Butterfinger over there.
Anna: Well, yeah, in a weird, sort of Catholic way, I do...

Priest: The Vatican has foiled the advances of pirates and terrorists. We will not lie down for some schmuck from New Jersey.

Kaplan: God, I miss Communism! The "Red Threat," people were scared, the agency had some respect, and I got laid every night.

Darwin Mayflower: I'm just a Regular Joe. All I want is to be happy. And happiness comes from the achieving of goals. But when you've made your first billion before the age of 19, it's hard to keep coming up with new ones. But now, I've got me a new goal. World... DOMINATION!

Minerva Mayflower: The dolphin is dead... The dolphin is dead... The dolphin is— Come on, you bitch! Just shoot her. Anyone?! Darwin, this is supposed to be torture... not therapy!

Anna: I must speak to the dolphins now. Eee-ee-ee-ee! Ee-ee-ee-ee!

Anna: What does the color blue taste like? Bobo knows!

Darwin: I'll torture you so slowly, you'll think it's a career!

Hudson: Hi, I'm being blackmailed into robbing the Vatican by a psychotic American corporation and the C.I.A.

Hudson: Hey! Old man! Yeah, you! You come back here without your little Cub Scout army, and I'll kick your Centrally Intelligent ass up one side of the piazza and down the other!

Snickers: Good news Hawk, the Mayflowers have moved up the timetable, you're hitting the Vatican tonight.
Hudson: Oh no! No no, hold on, no way! The timing is off, I'm under-equipped, and besides that, I've got a date.
Almond Joy: (reading Hudson's list) Grapple, biker's bottle, pocket fisherman, olive oil, 100 stamps? Gee stud, this's going to be some date! No Harvey's Bristol Cream?

Kaplan: You know, I really wish I could come up with this glib repartee like you guys do. But, I can't. So, I'll just paralyze you.

Hudson: I guess you never fucked with nobody from Hoboken before.

(Hudson has just been released from prison)

Tommy: What do you wanna do? Statue of Liberty? Entertain some ladies? Miss Saigon tix? Seduce some women? Play Nintendo? Bone some chicks?

Hudson: What's Nintendo?

(Later)

Hudson (to Anna): Will you 'play Nintendo' with me?

Hudson (to Cesar Mario): If the Mario brothers weren't New Jersey's third-largest crime family, I'd say "Kiss my ass." But considering your stature, I'll say: "Slurp my butt."

Guard 1: Six hundred seventy-three Wongs in the phone book.

Guard 2: Hell of a lot of Wong numbers.

(Tommy and Eddie are outside Castel Da Vinci. Tommy aims the bomb launcher.)

Tommy: FORE!

Kaplan (inside): ...Fore? Uh, did somebody hear something?

(Outside, Tommy's launched bomb explodes loudly, killing two guards on the parapet)

Butterfinger (inside): (raises hand) I.. I heard something!

Hudson (meeting Kaplan): Don't I know you?

Kaplan: The last time you saw me I was bald, with a beard and no moustache... and I had a different nose.

Hudson: My high school guidance counselor?

Minerva (about to kill Anna): If you see the big guy, tell him... he's a loser.

Hudson (to Tommy): Gates blackmails me, you say "Did I miss anything?" Gates gets killed, you say, "Did I miss anything?" I bet you went up to Mrs. Lincoln at the Ford Theater and said, "how was the show? Did I miss anything?"

Tommy: Gates is dead? Who do we sent the thank-you card to?

Hudson: The butler did it.

(Marios' ambulance drives up a dirt pile and flies off the edge of the freeway)

Hudson: Cesar Mario! Antony Mario!

(Marios' ambulance explodes in a fireball)

Hudson: ...You okay?!

Darwin: Tommy, you New-York Italian-father-made-twenty-bucks-a-week son-of-a-bitch, you were hired as bait. And on this simple task, you have betrayed me. Do you have an answer why?

Tommy: I got five of them. ONE!

(Tommy punches Darwin in the face)

Tommy: TWO! (punch) THREE! (punch) FOUR! (punch) Just one more! FIVE! (punch)

(A Jesus statue in Anna's apartment suddenly lights up, flashing)

Announcer: ATTENZIONE... ATTENZIONE...

Hudson: (stunned) Catholic girls are scary.

Hudson: The Vatican! I'm robbing the freaking Vatican! ...The sisters at St. Agnes' predicted this.

Darwin (to Igg and Ook): There's nothing more I hate than failure. All you had to do was follow the Hawk, it's not like I said "Teach our nation's children how to read." (To Minerva) I suppose we're just going to have to kill them.

(Minerva suddenly whips out a handgun and shoots both guards in the head, they collapse dead.)

Darwin: My God Minerva, I was only joking! (Beat) (breaks into a smile and cackles)

(Hudson is cavorting with Minerva. Alfred suddenly extends a blade and presses it into Hudson's crotch.)

Darwin: Come to think of it, there is a part of your body that you don't need for your next job.

Hudson: I always did want to sing like Frankie Valli...

Minerva: Great minds worked for centuries to turn worthless into priceless.

Hudson: Alchemy?!

Darwin: Alchemy is the business term of the 90's, my man.

Darwin: Fuck T-bills! Fuck blue chip stocks! Fuck Junk Bonds! We've got the real deal.

Darwin: If Da Vinci was alive today. he'd be eating microwave sushi, naked, in the back of a Cadillac, with the both of us.

Minerva: Every schmo has the fantasy that the planet revolves around them. It rains, a car crash stops traffic, you say, "How can this happen to me?" But for us, this isn't a fantasy, it is a reality.

Darwin: A damsel in distress implies that there is some well-hung Dudley Do-Right galloping up to save you. It ain't gonna happen. Hudson Hawk go boom-boom. He dead.

Hudson: Hey! We're supposed to be saving you!

Anna: Sorry, I got bored, so I saved myself.

Hudson: Let me ask you something. What would happen if I didn't put that crystal together right?

Anna: What do you mean?

Hudson: Well, let's just say, for example, that I left out... this little piece of mirror here. Would that be bad?

Anna: (smiles) Real bad!

Hudson: ...Good.

Darwin: History, tradition, culture... are not concepts. These are trophies I keep in my den as paperweights!

Minerva: Eureka, motherfucker!!!

Almond Joy: Well, it's better than when we were first starting out. Our code names were diseases. Do you know what it's like being called 'Chlamydia' for a year?

Kaplan: They think Bay of Pigs is an herbal tea. And that the Cold War has something to do with penguins.

Hudson: Aren't you supposed to stop me from committing crimes? You know, "Book 'em Danno," "Give a Hoot Don't Pollute?"

Hudson: I should be out there, getting myself a Daily News, looking in the want ads, trying to get a job... selling spatulas.

(Young girl is beating her stuffed elephant into a staircase railling)

Mother: Stop it, Courtney, you're embarrassing your country.

Hudson: Is looking like a constipated warthog a prerequisite to getting a job in the art world?

Anna: Some of us warthogs are more constipated than others. (gets up to appraise an art piece)

Darwin: Waldo...! One hundred million clams!

Darwin: Outbid by mine own wench! Quelle bummere.

Minerva: Don't hate me, baby!

Almond Joy: Anna-Bannana-Fo-Fanna! You're not going to shoot little old me; you're not going to shoot little old anybody. I read your dossier, Sister.

Snickers: Guys, we've got some good news, and some bad news.

Almond Joy: The good news is you'll be completely unparalyzed in about two minutes.

Snickers: The bad news is, that leaves you with only five seconds to defuse the bombs.

Hawk & Tommy: Bombs..?

(Snickers launches an adhesive time bomb to the ceiling beam)

Hudson: Hey... This doesn't taste like cappuccino.

Anna: Oh, I guess I put too much ethyl chloride in it.

(Anna lays out a pillow as Hudson falls to the floor knocked out.)

Cardinal: Ohh... The pope warned me not to trust the CIA.

(Hudson manages to shove Alfred's blades to their opposite shoulders, and jam them into the wood of the large wooden door. Hudson then swings the door shut, autodecapitating him.)

Hudson: Hey Alfred... You won't be attending that hat convention in July.