Funny / The Now Show

• Marcus Brigstocke's rants about David Blaine.
  Brigstocke (after Blaine failed to break an underwater record): You're not magic, you're not a wizard, you're just a moist git!
• Another Brigstocke one, describing the COP 15 Climate change conference in the style of Dr. Seuss.
• "And now, on Children's BBC... Iraqi Races."
• John Finnemore's monologue after the first wave of 2014 party conferences, starting with Nick Griffin being expelled from the far-right British National Party for being too erratic and disruptive (hammered home by a bizarre parting comment about the party's "plastic gangster games"), then moving on to the Conservative and Labour conferences.
  • In David Cameron's conference speech, he insisted he was committed to balancing the £25 billion deficit by 2018 - with £7 billion in tax cuts (John notes that one of the people who would pay less tax under the plan is... him, making him come around to the idea). So where will the money come from? Despite claims to the contrary, the Tories have been a bit less clear on that:
    John: But of course, heh, it all depends on where the money comes from, and the Prime Minister... was very clear on that. I know that he was very clear on that because the Education Secretary, Nicky Morgan, said so on PM about eighteen times. And, indeed, I suppose he was clear, in that he didn't say a single word about it. It was certainly impossible to misunderstand him. And Nicky Morgan was similarly clear herself, she said:
    Voiceover: "We will identify £25 billion of further savings."
    John: It's going to come from savings. Which is a relief, because for a second there, I was worried it might be cuts. And, er, what will these savings be, Nicky Morgan?
    Voiceover: "They will be identified."
    John: ... fair enough, they'll be identified, will they? What, we'll... we'll know them when we see them? I- I'm sorry, is this- is this supposed to be a treasure hunt? If- are you giving us the first clue? "If £25 billion ye seek, look for a bird with a curious beak!" If you're only telling us the good news and not the price, you're not setting out your stall for the electorate, you're just someone shouting, "Hey guys, who likes money!"
  • And they still gave more details than Ed Milliband gave in his speech at the Labour Party conference... which he insisted on giving from memory, leading him to completely forget to mention Labour's plan for the economy:
    John: Afterwards, he told the BBC:
    Voiceover: [dimwit voice] If I did the speech again today, I'd do it differently.
    John: Really, Ed, would you? You surprise me. What would you do differently?... oh, say all of it. Yeah, yeah, I suppose if you're going to be a total perfectionist, then actually telling the nice ladies and gentlemen all the things would represent the absolute cherry on the cake of competence, yes. But then, as Ed explained:
    Voiceover: [dimwit voice] One of the perils of delivering a speech without a script is not remembering every detail.
    John: [sarcastic laugh] Yeah, not every single pesky detail like the economy. But thank God he didn't forget a single detail about his riveting story about meeting a software engineer called Gareth, because that was all gold. Now, you might argue that this is just another of those unfortunate, but basically trivial mishaps that seem to befall Mr Milliband six or seven times a day. But I, I think actually this one is a bit different from his... everyday misadventures bumping into lampposts or falling into wedding cakes or whatever, because this was a failure on his own terms, and in his own territory. You see, I sort of bought into his speech he made in July, about how yes, he's funny looking, and funny sounding, and... can't eat a bacon sandwich without safety goggles and a cordoned off exclusion zone. But none of this matters because he's such an amazing policy wonk and passionate political genius. But you can't make that case and then forget to mention the economy at your keynote conference speech. Particularly when, and this is the part that really enfuriates me, no-one asked you to memorise it! If forgetting details is one of the perils of giving a speech without a script, here's a cunning little device that might help you out: a script! Cameron delivered his behind a massive lectern, piled with scripts, two autocues, and doubtless in the wings, an emergency backup copy stapled to Michael Gove!
  • So, as John himself asks, who should he vote for?
    John: Although not necessarily against tax cuts, I'm not prepared to give the Tories a blank cheque to take whatever they see fit in order to pay for them, because that's how people wake up in ice baths without their kidneys. But nor am I inspired to vote for a man who explicitly instructs us to judge him on substance, not style, and then he's sorry, sir, but he thinks he's left part of his essay on the bus! So I suppose I'll just have to wait for the Lib Dem conference next week, and hope to be inspired by Nick Clegg... or I could just go and play plastic gangster games with Nick Griffin, which appeals just about as much. Oh, and I've just realised, I haven't even mentioned UKIP. Good night!
• John Finnemore on "The Vote Now Show" after the 2015 General Election, imagining what David Cameron must have been thinking after, to the surprise of many, the Tories ended up with a slender outright majority in the Commons.
  "Oh no... it wasn't just a dream, it... it's true... I won. I somehow bloody won! How did I do that!? What more could I have done to make it absolutely clear to them that I have ticked off being Prime Minister, I've got it on the CV, what I want now is a dignified defeat, a seat on two or three boards, a lucrative lecture tour, and a yacht! I told them I wouldn't stay another term! I refused to do debates! I even told them that the election was all about my career! I basically pinned a sign on my own back saying 'Kick me (brackets, out of Downing Street, close brackets), comma, for pity's sake'! Did they not get it!? Did they elect me out of spite?! Oh God, and I've just remembered, I won outright! No coalition partner to use as an excuse why I can't do the things the barking right wing want me to do, and to legitimise the things I do want to do, because, 'Hey, it's Danny Alexander announcing it, look at his lovely Liberal freckles.' And oh God, I've just remembered the opposition, Labour will have a new leader, with luck and a following wind they might even manage not to pick someone the nation finds intrinsically hilarious! Plus, fifty-odd furious hairy Scots who all hate my guts, and for whom I represent the ideal pantomime villain English oppressor on whom for them to live out all their Braveheart fantasies! Oh, God, I've just remembered I've got a majority so tiny that anything I want to pass, I'm gonna have to convince and cajole every single one of my awful MPs to support me, even though a dozen of them are stone cold nutters, and one of them is BORIS BLOODY JOHNSON!! God, I wish I was Nick Clegg!..."