- Before even starting the review proper, the Dom hears the song from the movie and can't help but break out in enthusiastic dancing.
- "While the second film made some token effort to include references to the book, they still changed it so much it bears only a passing resemblance to it, and the third film went so completely off the rails I can only assume the writers were smoking a neverending doobie while they worked."
- His impression of how the book might have read if the third movie had been a faithful adaptation.The Dom (as Michael Ende): (in German, English subtitles) "Meanwhile, Jack Black was being a massive asshole and tearing up the library and shit, which made fireballs fly at a... Jewish tree..."
- "[Atreyu] teams up with a luckdragon named Falcor, who replaces Artax after he TRAUMATIZES OUR CHILDHOODS..."
- "Hang on a second, I'm just adding 'find reason to yell "To the winch, wench!" at someone' to my bucket list."
- How book Fantastica's geography being based on where someone truly wants to go could play out in the real world."No, baby, I'm really looking forward to spending the evening with your mother. Yes, I do know she's really into cross-stitching now. I should be there soon, I've been walking for about an hour..." (looks up, finds himself at a club called "The Manhole") "...Huh." (tosses phone and heads in)
- The Dom starts off being eaten by a T-rex and has to do the review inside its digestive tract. "I've, uh, just got to figure out how to set up a green screen in here now..."
- His Motor Mouth summation of the plot of both film and book.
- He is very surprised to learn that book!Dr. Grant liked children.The Dom: Spielberg and his boys looked at a story about the dangers of unsupervised runaway science, and a thriller about a long-gone force of nature so powerful it was laughably beyond human ability to control it and thought, "Hmm...it's good but it needs a subplot about a man who doesn't like children having to look after some. Yeah. That's what was missing. (falsetto) Naaailed iiit."
- Imagining the awkwardness assuming that film Donald Gennaro had a young daughter with an upcoming birthday as did his book counterpart.Daughter: Uncle The Dom, when's daddy coming come?
The Dom: Oh, he's not sweetie. He got eaten by a dinosaur. It was...quite funny.
- A blooper at the end:The Dom: The film definitely took certain liberties with the characters, villainizing some and hero- heroricizing...heroicicizing. I've invented a word, it is mine, you can't use it.
- The Dom makes his opinion of the movie abundantly clear right out of the gate:
- It takes a few seconds before he can come up with anything for the "What they didn't change" section, and even then the section ends up being pitifully short.
- Having quite liked the book after reading it for the review, he mentions feeling some trepidation at the warnings people had given him regarding the film.The Dom: Some of the warnings were so extreme, I ended up approaching my TV that day feeling somewhat like a condemned prisoner being led to the gallows. But now that I've seen it, I've gotta say you guys, to be completely fair to the film, you really...didn't warn me ENOUGH.
- Learning the hard way that his viewers would in fact like him to talk about the behind-the-scenes reasons behind adaptations turning out as they did. "The hard way" being receiving a piece of fan mail with "STARSHIP TROOPERS WAS SATIRE YOU IDIOT" written in blood.
- "The Guild is an unknowable, looming presence that's accepted as a part of life, but shrouded in the depths of mystery, giving them a very much alien undercurrent, and WHAT THE FUCKITY FUCK FUCK FUCKITY FUCK FUCKITY FUCK FUCK IS THAT THING?!"
- "Now, the Baron Harkonnen has a WWHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH HIS FAAAAACE?!"
- Likening the film version of Baron Harkonnen floating around with his anti-gravity machines to "a weird H. P. Lovecraft reimagining of Peter Pan".
- "...Why was Sting...just steam-cooking himself...wearing futuristic speedos? (beat) Would you excuse me for just one moment, beautiful watchers? Thank you so much." ("Ave Maria" plays, he proceeds to drain an entire bottle in one go)
- "I would very much...(burp) like to not do that again... (burp) because that was the third take...and I have just drank three cartons of apple juice...and now I'm gonna go be very sick, excuse me."
- "If you'll excuse me, I'm off to stick spice up my nose to see if it gives me super powers."
- Bringing up his deep childhood fear of the Wicked Witch. "If my mum and dad are watching this, they've just learned the reason I kept a bucket of water by my bed for almost a decade."
- The skit acting out the Tin Woodsman's book backstory.
- The flying monkeys, upon dropping Dorothy off with the Witch in the book, given that they were not her slaves as in the film: "Well...see ya, bitch. Take care and go fuck yourself!"
- "I may be paraphrasing a little bit..."
- "Percy, I'm just borrowing your pen for a second..." *click* *SHNNNK*
- "Hey, remember when I said the book was clever enough to not get Hades and Satan mixed up?" (clip of movie!Hades from the campfire scene) "...Hoo boy."
- Following up a dramatic reading of the book's description of Hades with a few clips of the movie version being slightly...less impressive.
- "That's why this film sucked, and that's why it can kiss-" (Filter activates) "-its reputation goodbye. ...Reginald, I didn't ask you to switch the Calm Intellectual Filter back on, so please disengage it...Reginald, while I respect your choice to ignore my request, considering my current state of agitation, there's a small chance this situation may lead to violence."
- "Hang on a second... Soppy love declarations? Clumsy metaphors involving sand?"
- The little skit that accompanies the description of book!Buttercup's nightmares growing progressively darker than the one in the film.
- ♪Come with me/and you'll see/a whole new world of minor movie changes/I can't sing/but you get the point...♪
- "Just look at the way [Wonka] responds to direct questions in some weird and clearly made-up gobbledygook language." (clip of Wonka speaking French) "Utter nonsense, I say!"
- "Grandpa Joe is actually meant to be ninety-six, but, come on. Try and find an actor that old. ...Oh, uh, I guess Christopher Lee. Heh, that's ironic."
- "Kid, he's giving away free samples, just go inside."
- "There isn't a cream-blasting Wonkamobile in the book. I'm beginning to suspect Mel Stuart had a few issues of his own to work through."
- "What? What? You thought just because I used long words that I wasn't a horrific pervert? You don't know me!"
- Criticizing Mel Stuart for having Charlie's father be dead in the film. "This isn't a Disney film, you're allowed to have two loving parents!"
- Willy Wonka review: Wishes that the film had kept in the story about the Indian prince and the palace made of chocolate, as he felt it was funny. Charlie review: Feels that the story about the Indian prince and the palace of chocolate should have been cut, due to being stupid and possibly racist.
- "Wow, I was expecting Burton to take a dump all over the original story, but he's actually stuck to it really well! [...] And so far there hasn't been any...wait. What's happening? Burton, what are you doing? Burton, no, what are you doing?! NOOOOOOOO what is this silliness?"
- The Dom's sound-effects describing the differences between the machines in the Stuart movie versus the Burton one.
- Thinking the film maybe should have updated Mike Teevee's name to better reflect his changed character flaw. "Something like...Mike...Firstpersonshooteree? ...Shut up, I'm hilarious."
- The Oompa-Loompa song about Burton's additions to the story. Sung by a chorus of miniature versions of The Dom.
- ♪Oompa Loompa, doopity-doo/Burton's working through his daddy issues/He doesn't care if he screws up the plot/He'll do it his way whether you like it or not♪
- "...You guys saw that too, right?"
- "Hey wait, that tune was from the other movie, you idiots!"
- ♪Oompa Loompa, doopity-doo/I've got a gun, and it's pointing at you/Give us your cash and no one gets hurt/Or it's oompa-loompa bang-bang and diiiirt!♪
- "Well, as, uh, muggings go, that was somewhat more musical than I'm used to."
- "Wendy! Stop. Hogging. The bathroom!"
- Representing how Tony was revealed in the book to appear as an older version of Danny by photoshopping a beard (specifically, the one that the actor who played Danny is currently sporting) onto film!Danny's face.
- The studio meeting with Stephen King.Executive: Well, we're all really looking forward to working on the film with you. I do have to talk to you first though about the little mistake you made in the book.
Executive: Yeah, in chapter fifty-three, you accidentally wrote that the black guy doesn't die.
King: Who, Halloran? Yeah, he fights his way to hotel, rescues the wife and kid and becomes a surrogate father to Danny from then on!
Executive: Yeah, but...Steve, you...wrote that the black guy doesn't die.
Executive: ...You know what? Don't worry about it, uh, we'll fix it for ya.
- Photos of The Dom's face being used to cover the naked zombie lady.Executive: Great story, Steve, just great, but I can't help but feel it lacks a certain sexy edge, you know, like a beautiful woman showering naked or something.
King: Well...there's the scene where there's the naked old lady decomposing in the bathtub. But there's no way you could make that sexy, right?
Executive: (thoughtful grin)
- The Dom's attempt to trigger the Take Over the World gag, which falls flat. "I guess you have to earn it."
- "Oh, oh! You want a storyboard? Here's your fucking storyboard, bitch!"
- "Please stop that, Mr. Snyder."
- The Nostalgia Critic's cameo.
- The fire rescue scene in the film as opposed to the graphic novel. "EXPLOSIONS!!! WHOOOOO!!! JUMPING!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!! I WILL EXTINGUISH YOUR FIRE WITH BULLETS!!! HAHAHAHAHAAAA!!!"
- In the middle of the "what they changed" section where he's been largely focusing on nitpicks, he gets a text: "Dear The Dom: Stop stalling. Sincerely, The Internet."
- "Well...it's a lovely day. I guess there's worse times to go. Let's discuss the ending."
- "Now usually I'd be a bit nervous about promoting just one side of a controversial subject, but seeing as I'm pretty sure I've just killed anyone with a conflicting opinion..."
- "Maybe this doesn't have to be a "who shot first" situation incidentally it was totally Han."
- "I should, uh, probably apologize to everyone who just died because I didn't figure this out a few minutes sooner. That was my bad."
- In part 2, when pointing out the changes made to film!Ozymandias's costume, the camera lingers on one particular feature that might be familiar to viewers of another movie. "Let's just say if I hadn't already annoyed the Critic the other week..."
- Upon reading the book's introduction - in particular, the part about "[...]there is nothing stopping you from putting the book down at once and going and doing something more fun":The Dom: ...Sounds fair. (tosses book, walks away whistling)
- This is followed by The Dom wandering around and inserting himself into various movies, but continually running into the book and freaking out before trying to flee it as it chases him down. Some highlights:
- "Rather than bring a gun like I originally intended, apparently I've brought a baguette."
- Playing a flame-throwing ukulele while in Mad Max: Fury Road.
- Dancing to "Hooked on a Feeling" while in a lineup with the Guardians of the Galaxy.
- Casually playing Pokemon in the desert before being startled by Finn popping up.
- "NO! NO! You said it was okay not to read you! I'm not doing it!"
- "Fine! I will do the fucking episode! You lied to me, Snicket!"
- Paramount's guide to book adaptations.
- How it should have ended: "Oh, hello there, you must be the Baudelaires. I'm from social services."
- Soon after Count Olaf arrived and was shot on sight, Mr. Po was arrested for criminal negligence, and the Baudelaire orphans were taken to an appropriate foster home. The End.
- The first thirty seconds of the video, as The Dom babbles nervously about how unnecessary it would be to talk about the book, and suggesting other things he could talk about instead, as there are "definitely no heartbreaking plot twists" to discuss, all while a timer in the upper corner is counting down to "The Dom blurts out a major plot twist from the book in..."
- In addition to the usual categories of "People asked", "Saw the film", and "Read the book", this episode necessitated "Surprised to hear there WAS a book".
- The Dom attempts to trigger the "take over the world" gag again. "It was Tuesday."
- (long beat) "I'm gonna keep working on that."
- "Yeah, you hear that, vegetarians? You eventually won. But at what cost??"
- "If something ever gets invented that looks human and feels human and can be built to order OF COURSE people are gonna want to have sex with it!"
- The film sexualizing two female android characters in ways that they weren't in the book leads The Dom to muse that "there seems to be an almost Michael Bay-level of unnecessary sexualization going on here." Comparing Ridley Scott to Michael Bay immediately ushers in the Apocalypse.
- The Dom's expressions showcasing the options of the mood organ device.
- "After he's finished retiring all the andies, Deckard drives out into the nearby wasteland and decides that he's Jesus." ( Record Scratch )
- The Dom dressing as a vampire and laughing like The Count.
- "It was directed by a bloke called Francis Ford Coppola, who did some little independent films you've probably never heard of."
- "No, Keanu! Bad! That's not what we sound like! Stop it!"
- The skit comparing the book and film versions of Van Helsing.
- Similar to the gag in the Neverending Story review, transcribing some film-added scenes into book form:The Dom: "And then Lucy and Mina ran around in the rain giggling, while their dresses got all wet and see-through. And then they totally started making out and stuff." [...] "Later on, Lucy dressed up like a slutty Red Riding Hood and had sex with a furry." Uh, however, the word "furry" is crossed out to be replaced with the word "wolf-man".
Audience member: Good lord, I thought this was supposed to be about a vampire!
The Dom: Well now it's a weird porno, okay?!
- Listing all of the drinks Bond has (four double bourbons on the rocks, a vodka martini, and a pint of champagne in the first two chapters alone) before concluding that Archer isn't a Bond parody but rather the truest adaptation of all.
- The skit where the Dom points out the flaws in Bond's signature martini preparation style.
- "[...]In the next film, he's going to be drinking Heineken, because these days Bond is a spy second and an advertising prostitute first."
- Slapping "Pointless" stamps on film changes to Goldfinger's plans, eventually becoming a tad overwhelmed by all the stuff that makes no sense and needing to take a break.
- "FYI, in the book Felix has a hook hand. Because...yarrrr."
- "Every single movie in the universe could be greatly improved by having an old lady with a Thompson! Even in the unlikely event that it already has one. They can have two, why not?"
- Consulting a "Ways villains might kill you" chart to confirm that a laser is in fact cooler than the buzzsaw/grinder in the book.
- The skit of Bond trying to be suave after beating a man to death. The Sean Connery accent sells it.
- The Dom delivering a painful kneecap-shot to another version of himself trying to convince him to be less "bah humbug" about Christmas.The Dom: Now would anyone else like to try and imbue me with some holiday spirit? No? Excellent.
- Out of the thirty people surveyed for the episode, none of them had read the book, and over half had to be convinced there was a book.
- The sequence of jokes about the lead character being somewhat older in the book than he was in the film. Including him throwing his back out in the gun-taped-to-the-back scene.
- Again tries to get the "take over the world" gag to work. "But of course." So close, and yet so far.The Dom: Damnit! Go home Bond, you're drunk!
- The Dom choking on his attempts to wish his watchers a "Merry Christmas", eventually giving up and going with "Happy New Year."
- His "paraphrasing" of the Cratchit family's reactions to Christmas-related things.
- This time, to be safe, The Dom starts off with the Calm Intellectual Filter already engaged, so as to get all the negativity out of the way. He ends up overloading it.
- "Much to my personal relief they also got rid of that awful writer Titley, and replaced him with a guy called Marc Guggenheim, best known for oh come on, are you freaking kidding me?"
- Toward the end, he tries to reengage the Filter:The Dom: (bagpipe music plays) Well this is a right plum puddin', an' no mistake!...Wha? Reginald, ya silly bugger, this is nay the Intellectual Filter, it's the Scottish Filter! These are nay people known for their calmness, switch it over ya wee dafty!
- The next attempts result in the Gollum Filter and the Valley Girl Filter. The Dom just gives up after that.The Dom: (valley girl voice) Why do you even have this setting?
- "Hello again, Roald Dahl, you sociopathic maniac masquerading as a children's book author."
- "Now, before I start with the comparison, I just need to get a few non-adaption-related things off my chest." (clears throat) "Child acting." (grimace, thumbs-down) "Rowan Atkinson." (big grin, thumbs-up) "Possible cruelty to real animals." (stern head-shake) "Surprisingly effective practical effects." (smile, thumbs-up) "Ah, thanks, I feel much better now."
- Complaining about the main character being changed from English to American. "You can't ignore my people forever, America!"
- "Phase 2 of their plan involved an army of cats, so it's automatically the best plan ever."
- The Dom predicts there will be a reboot of the movie at some point, "filled with CGI mice and uncomfortably-sexy witches."
- "Make a note of this now, marvel at my precognitive powers later. Goodbye beautiful watchers." (turns to one of the sexy witches) "Hey baby, how you doin'?"
- In the "Beginner's Guide" video, The Dom gives a quick overview of the plot...without using any specific names. Told in this fashion the story sounds a tiny bit similar to a certain other story...The Dom: This is the book equivalent of a student downloading an essay off the internet and thinking that using the word-replacement tool will be enough to fool his teacher!
- "[The filmmakers] also haven't quite caught on to the fact that sticking your actor in front of a green screen and pointing a hair dryer in his general direction isn't in any way convincing to the audience."The Dom: (in front of a green screen) I'm genuinely invested in what's happening around meeeee...
- "They made Eragon's life with his uncle much more two-dimensionally happy in the film, which only served to more clearly paint a big old 'I'm so fucking dead' message on his forehead."
- Dragon sex-ed videos:"You're going to be noticing some changes to your body soon. Don't worry, this is perfectly normal and it will only last a few seconds, then you will be a full-fledged adult and able to go about your day."
- The Dom declares that he's going to take the high road regarding Jeremy Irons's presence in the film...but eventually can't resist allowing himself one reference.
- Realizing that there could be potential problems with the Elvish language being impossible to lie in:
- Dress-wearing elf (in Elvish): Does this top make me look like a fat man in drag?
Other elf: ...No, baby! You, uh, you look great!
Dress-wearing elf (in Elvish): (suspicious) ...Why did you say that in English?
- Pointing out the Family-Unfriendly Aesop of how all but one character in both book and film was a chain smoker, and the one who wasn't picked up the habit by the end. "Hey kids, don't they look cool? Yeah, they look cool. Don't you want to look cool?"
- "Clancy actually wrote in a reference to the true story that inspired the book in the book, which I think should have caused a meta-paradox and destroyed his universe...but, that might just be me."
- The Dom mentioning about something fairly important in the book whose omission in the film rather annoyed him, but he just can't quite remember what it was...all the while "Rule, Britannia!" starts playing and building up in the background.The Dom: America, you have to learn to share the credit. For stuff real, and fictional.
- "I also feel I have to mention that despite Clancy's apparent belief, no one in Britain has said the words "jolly good" since the nineteen-fifties!"
- The Dom happily describing the young British lead character and how her house is near London...then cutting to the very American-accented film Coraline saying that she's from Pontiac, Michigan.The Dom: (long beat; then sighs)
("TIMES THAT THE AMERICANS HAVE STOLEN OR WRITTEN OUT BRITISH CHARACTERS: 3")
The Dom: Yeah that's right, I'm keeping score now.
- Actually preferring how the film had the Other Mother's creepiness build up over time instead of her being inhuman from the start, as in the latter case "WHY THE FUCK DID CORALINE TRUST HER AT ALL, THEN?!"Other Mother: Hello dear, I'm your Other Mother—
The Dom: (screams, pulls out a gun and shoots until she falls to the floor, pulls out a second gun when the first runs out of bullets, then runs away, still screaming)
Other Mother: (painfully raises hand)
The Dom: (burns her with a flamethrower, still screaming)
- The image accompanying The Dom's theorizing that Suzanne Collins was "hovering over" Lionsgate in spirit even if she wasn't technically involved in writing the screenplay.
- When The Dom spots what is presumably supposed to be the film's version of an Avox, he panics and exclaims that David Lynch has sent the "freaky doctors" from Dune after him. "Run, Jennifer Lawrence, save yourself!"
- Describing the first Quarter Quell, where the District citizens had to vote on who to send as tributes, as "brown trouser time for the assholes in the community, I would imagine." The scenario being acted out by a crowd of Dom clones.
- The little skit demonstrating The Dom's criticism of film!Katniss always pulling her bow back long before she shoots, one of the potential explanations being that "the draw weight on all of her bows has been so laughable her arrows should have been bouncing off of anyone wearing thick clothing."
- Continuing during the end segment where the weak arrows continually annoy The Dom as he tries to plug his Patreon.
- Ultimately, he deems the film good enough to have "a decent chance of being allowed to hang with the cool kids [the first two films] in the Hunger Games school reunion."
- When he discusses his feelings on the book's ending, the line "I don't like feeling depressed. I like feeling happy. And, situation-appropriate, slightly aroused," coincides with a clip of Tigris from the film.
- The first time he read the book ending he shouted "Oh, COME ON!"...while in a veterinarian waiting room.The Dom: Do you have ANY idea what it's like to receive an accusatory stare from seventeen startled puppies?
- Casually referring to Lyme as "Brienne of Tarth".
- The skit of President Snow's meal guests awkwardly trying to ignore the guy Snow poisoned before everyone started eating.
- "At this point you might be wondering: 'Well then The Dom, you gorgeous example of sexy manhood, seeing as the book's ending depressed you so much, does that mean you like the ending of the film better?' To which my obvious response is: (struggling) I...don't know!!"
- "RRRR, brain pain! You broke me with that little smile, Jennifer Lawrence, I hope you're happy!"
- The alternate universe where Katniss was played by Helena Bonham-Carter.
- "I sure am glad there's nothing much, much longer, more popular, and way more time-consuming looming on the near horizon. That would just completely push me over the deep endwwwhat are you staring at?" (Hedwig's Theme starts playing)
- "OH, FUCK ME!"
- The Dom getting booed by Lovecraft fans over his attempts to pronounce "Cthulhu". "You know what, I'm not supposed to be able to pronounce it, I don't have the right organs!"
- Summarizing the film protagonist's vague occupation as, "a science computer man doing smart stuff."
- "Two things that feature quite heavily in the film that have no basis in the book whatsoever, are boobies."
- The following censor bar over a clip of said boobies reads: "Two things...get it?"
- "Until next time, my very beautiful watchers, peace and love!...craft. I'm funny."
- Countering people telling him that the child actors got better in future movies by pointing out that that fact doesn't help his annoyance with them in the first one, where each "is just a kid who can't act!" regardless of Daniel Radcliffe going on into a respectable acting career, Emma Watson becoming an inspiring feminist icon, or Rupert Grint going on to...own an ice cream truck.
- "The impression I get when I'm watching this film is that I've somehow been roped into going to a school play that my friend's kid is in, only I can't remember which kid is his, so I'm left watching prepubescent strangers squeak their lines and occasionally adopt surprised expressions when they remember they're supposed to be acting!" (long exasperated growl)
- "Oh, and the CGI really fucking sucks in this film."
- "No. No, that is not the Bloody Baron."
- Pointing out that film!Harry straight-up murders Quirrell. "Yer a cold-blooded killer, Harry."
- Suggesting that the reason the Hogwarts school song never shows up in any other of the books is because the staff finally worked up the nerve to tell Dumbledore that he was the only one who liked it.
- Film Harry and Dumbledore discussing Nicholas Flamel:Harry: Doesn't that mean Flamel will die?
Dumbledore: Yes, yes he will.
Harry: Wow, you really don't give a fuck, do you?
Dumbledore: He was a prick, I never liked him.
- Terrence pointing out how an argument in the film is a bit slow-paced, and how it perhaps should have gone:Oliver Wood: Fuck off, we booked the pitch today!
Draco: We all have new brooms 'cause my dad is awesome and you suck.
Hermione: You clearly bought your way onto the team, you spoiled yuppie!
Draco: Shut it, mudblood!
Ron: AW, HELL NAW!
- "...as it's established that Hogwarts was founded one thousand years ago, Godric Gryffindor had a really fucking wussy little sword for his era."
- "Personally I think a spot of muggle-baiting is a fine way to spend the occasional evening, but I do concede the Death Eaters took it a tad too far and ruined it for everyone."
- Terrence wondering whether Professor Sprout changed her name when she got her job, or if she was forced into her specific teaching position because of her name.
- "Did anyone else find it slightly fucked-up that [mandrakes] seemed to develop a certain level of self-awareness as they age, but Sprout was still planning to chop them up for potions? ...I rather suspect this should count as a form of murder."
- Apparently Terrence tried to learn Parseltongue once, but the only sentence he could manage was: "I have a python under my robes."
- "In the book, drinking the Polyjuice Potion changed your voice as well, because...why fucking wouldn't it, you've assumed this person's vocal chords as well, I assume?"
- What Harry might have been hearing the basilisk say during the final battle.
- "Now how am I going to watch my Desperate Housewives reruns, you asshole!"
- Why the Weasley parents didn't show up at Hogwarts in the film:Molly: Uh, we've just received an urgent message from Hogwarts saying one of our children's been kidnapped by a monster.
Arthur: Oh! ...Well, we've got six more.
- The bloopers where Dominic continually drops and breaks Terrence's wand trying to twirl it.
- The Dom punching out Terrence and reclaiming his show at the beginning.
- Pausing immediately after his first mention of Alfonso Cuarón for a quick disclaimer regarding the likelihood of him coming anywhere near being able to pronounce the name correctly for the rest of the episode.
- The Dom thinking that Harry's tea leaves looked more like a direwolf than a Grim. "THE KING IN THE NORTH!"
- His impression of Dumbledore being less vague about the time travel plan.Dumbledore: [...]and while you're at it, stop me from challenging Hagrid to that drinking competition, because my head is fucking killing me.
- "[The dementors'] movement is described as being a creepy glide along the ground in the book, not flying around like WHAT THE FUCKITY FUCK FUCKITY FUCK is he doing here?! Get him out of my review!"
- Due to the lack of explanation in the film as to how Lupin and Snape knew to go to the Shrieking Shack, The Dom theorizes that the Shack is just where the teachers always go to get high.Flitwick: Look at me, I'm an eagle!
Snape: Get down from there, Flitwick.
- "[Harry and Hermione] never end up being swung around by [the Whomping Willow in the book], so you're not left wondering how SHREDDED Hermione must be under that little pink sweater for her to be able to lift Harry off the ground with one arm!"
- Taking a look at what filmwork the new director has under his belt, and being...a bit underwhelmed.Terrence: That man's entire career comprised exclusively of the shameless prostitution of awkward British charm.
- Expressing his disappointment with David Tennant's performance by saying that he seemed "temporarily possessed by the ghost of Nicolas Cage".
- "Oh come on, lads, it's just a case of whipping out your incredibly bulging biceps and showing off your awesome Ravenclaw tattoo OH WAIT that's just a Terrence thing."
- Terrence's summary of how things could have gone if Voldemort hadn't insisted on such a convoluted scheme to get Harry to him.
- "All I'm saying is, this plan probably explains why You-Know-Who wasn't Sorted into Ravenclaw."
- Wondering if the "orgasmic moaning" in the Beauxbatons students entrance in the film was "just something involuntary that happens to them when they move in groups."Blonde Beauxbatons student: Can you believe we have been set this much homework in the first week of term? It is so unfair!
Redhead student: Perhaps we should complain to Madame Maxime. It is unfair to expect this much from us this soon after all.
Blonde: Oh, by the way, have you seen how Fleur is doing her hair this year? I was thinking I might be able to pull that off.
Both: HHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAA! (butterflies flutter away)
Blonde: Whoo! Dear me, that was a large one!
- With the added scene of McGonagall giving the Gryffindors dancing lessons, Terrence wonders if the other Heads of Houses also did this.Snape: Malfoy, we're going to dance like nobody's watching.
Draco: I-I, um...I really don't want to, sir.
- "Did you learn nothing from Stephen King, Mr. Newell? HEDGES ARE NOT SCARY! (stilted) This should not be something someone has to tell you!"
- "You know, despite the awful fuss they made about Harry managing to grab a single dragon egg in this film, I've actually been stealing them on the sly for over a year now, and let me tell you, they are just delicious. Seriously, you have not had real scrambled eggs until you've tried Ukrainian Ironbelly with just a pinch of salt-" (dragon ROARS) "...Oh bugger."
- The "conclusion" of the cliffhanger from Part 1 at the start of Part 2, having largely nothing at all to do with said cliffhanger: a series of clips of Terrence, among other things, hanging out on the Wall with Jon Snow and telling him to stop being so pouty; learning the plot of Harry Potter and the Cursed Child from The Dom's butler Reginald; saving Ned Stark from his execution and drunkenly telling him that they'll start their own kingdom in the North; and casting a silencing spell on Donald Trump ("Merlin's beard, that is so much better, I am never undoing that").Terrence: Well, all in all that was a pretty average week.
- If you pay close attention to the animation of the Marauder's Map when mentioning the scene from the book where Harry saw Crouch Jr's name on it, you can see dots with Terrence's and Katie Bell's names entering a room together, then begin moving very...suggestively.
- Using clips of Leslie Knope as stand-ins for Bertha Jorkins.
- Lamenting the absence of the blast-ended skrewts in the film.Terrence: I just wanted to see Rupert Grint getting a little bit attacked by a giant armored scorpion monster with a leech's head that could blast fire out of its arse! Is that really too much to ask for?
- The Dom falling on Terrence after the levitating charm Terrence had used to get him out of the way last episode wore off.The Dom: Hello, beautiful watchers! Welcome back to theeee Happy Potterathon! (collapses)
- The rant about the Order's and Harry's broom flight to Grimmauld Place in the film.The Dom: In the film, they fly right down the middle of the fucking Thames. A blatant display of magic on the busiest and most observed river in all of fucking Britain, making eye contact with sailors, riverfront businesses, AND THE HOUSES OF PARLIAMENT!
- Noting that the actor playing young James Potter looks nothing like Daniel Radcliff...The Dom: So...who could they possibly have got to play him instead? Let's see, let's see... Someone who looks exactly like Daniel Radcliff...hmm... Hey here's an idea, why didn't you cast Daniel fucking Radcliff?!
- How the Hall of Prophecy scene should have gone down in the film, given that the prophecy just auto-plays when Harry picks it up and the Death Eaters were clearly within hearing range.Lucius Malfoy: Well, that was surprisingly easy. Um... Bellatrix, go ahead and kill them all.
- The Dom ends Part 1 leaving to address a series of intense visions he is suddenly struck with. At the start of Part 2, he is relaxing on a couch with a book in one hand and a drink in the other, with peaceful music playing in the background. He goes on to explain that "what I thought was a vision turned out to just be the aftereffects of eating a way-too-mature slice of Stilton."The Dom: ...I'm not gonna lie, I'm a bit disappointed.
- Imagining that the writers seemed almost to resent J.K. Rowling telling them that Kreacher would be important later and not to cut him out. "(sigh) All right Jo, we won't cut out the elf completely. But he's not having a story arc! He's just gonna be...there at the house, occasionally."
- The brief bit where the Marauder's Map shows Terrence apparently fleeing from a group of Hufflepuffs shooting spells at him.
- The filmmakers' attempt to change Harry's position on a scale of "Sexual Naivety." "Jo, all we're looking to do is move him down the scale slightly so he's below Anastasia Steele! I really don't think that's unreasonable."
- "You know, I think you're right, it is about time we had a movie with Peeves in it! ...Ha-ha-ha, no I'm just messing with ya!"
- The portrait of Sirius's mother being portrayed as the crazy cat lady from The Simpsons
The Harry Potterathon Recap
- Terrence's PSA bringing attention to the terrible affliction that affects up to 1 in 4 UK wizards in their lifetimes: being sorted into Hufflepuff House.Terrence: If you observe these youngsters showing no particular drive to succeed in life, but proving to be unexpectedly good finders, you need to act quickly.
- "The Dom would like to remind viewers that the opinions expressed by anyone in this commercial do not necessarily reflect his stance on the subject. He also requests that you keep in mind that he tried to shoot Terrence once."
- "I've got to say, this was quite a dark film...and I don't mean that figuratively."Terrence: Sometimes, admittedly, this was plot appropriate, but for the majority of the film it just seems like Hogwarts was really trying to save on its candle bill this year.
- While he criticizes the "muddy, miserable feel" that the film designs give to formerly vibrant, colorful settings, he does give the filmmakers credit for "more realistically representing genuine British weather."
- Pointing out the casting of Ralph Fiennes' nephew as young Tom Riddle, "and goodness me, he acts like he's just someone's nephew."
- Imagining Dean Thomas standing awkwardly just off-camera as Harry and Ron discuss him while in the dormitory they share with him.
Terrence: You dickheads know I'm right here, don't you? I can hear everything you're saying.
- Terrence feels a bit of a kinship with Dean in that regard, giving us a scene of him in the Ravenclaw common room as his fellow students loudly discuss what a douchebag he is and wondering if they can vote him out of the House.
- "...and the successful acquirement of the glob of brain semen."Terrence: Oh, don't act like you've not been thinking it for years!
- Terrence's little Ravenclaw-pride-fueled rant about Yates's treatment of Professor Flitwick's character.
- The "sexually-charged back-and-forth" between Harry and Ginny in the film.Terrence as Harry: Oh yes, that's right Weasley, you tie that shoelace real good. Mm. Don't forget to double-knot it, ah, ah yes, there it is, you redheaded minx.
- Throwing away all pretense when discussing book!Harry's "monster in his chest." "Essentially, Rowling personified Harry's dick."Harry's "chest-monster": Harry. Ginny's looking pretty hot today, isn't she?
Harry: She's Ron's sister!
"Chest-monster": But she clearly wants to touch your wand. You should run up and do it like they do on the Discovery Channel!
Harry: She's Ron's sister!
"Chest-monster": Ah, who gives a fuck? You can always find another ginger friend to make stupid faces.
Harry: It would never work.
"Chest-monster": Stop lying, and prove to her why you're the Chosen One...
Harry: SHUT UP!
"Chest-monster": No! Now show her your patronus, she'll love that...
- Cormac McLaggen is described by Terrence as "a strong contender for the Most Annoying Arsehole at Hogwarts award"...then grouses that he had been the recipient of that award that year.
- Wondering why Harry seemed to get no punishment for almost killing Malfoy in the film, whereas he had been strongly punished in the book:Snape: You know what, Potter, he probably had this coming, you can just run along. (to Malfoy) You see, Draco? This is why you shouldn't be rude to your teachers at parties.
- Terrence realises the horrible implications of Love Potions, causing him to completely freak out:Terrence: (after relating Voldemort's origin story, which involved his mother repeatedly drugging his father with love potions) Wait... Hang on. That's pretty much straight-up rape, isn't it? I mean, she used magical drugs to make him consent to sex against his will. (with a disgusted expression on his face) Huh, that's pretty horrible now that I think about it... (makes an Oh, Crap! face) Good Lord, Fred and George Weasley sell this stuff to teenagers! Legally! Merlin's beard, the magical community condones date rape for all ages! AZKABAN! Azkaban, all of you! Fred, George, Romilda Vane, Ginny, Hermione — I see you handling that filth! — Slughorn — we all know you made the stuff! — Azkaban! AZKABAN! ALL OF YOU! GAH-HA, I CAN'T UNREALISE THIS! ...Oh, wait. (takes out his wand) Yes, I can. (points wand at himself) Obliviate!
- Dominic musing on his process of getting into character for Terrence:Dominic: You know, I definitely feel like the transformation takes place as I'm putting the shades on, it's like, dun-dun-duuuuuuuu- (puts on shades) -and asshole.
- Terrence starts his introduction for the review, but is soon distracted...
- "I say, a woman being kidnapped in broad daylight clearly within my field of vision? (beat) Well, that's none of my business."
- "Hello everyone, and welcome to the Ministry of Magic court-ordered adult learning classes. As you're probably aware, you've all been sentenced to a few months of mandatory intensive lessons as an alternative punishment, because after half the wizarding world was sent to Azkaban for sexual misconduct, there is now no more room for any more inmates. Uh, anyway, Lesson One: the Statute of Secrecy, and why it's not okay to keep flying around at ground level through the streets and rivers of the most populated Muggle city in ALL OF GREAT BRITAIN! (beat) There will be a test."
- The Dom's critique of how Dobby being written out of all the films between the second and seventh lessens the impact of his death leads to:Dobby: Dobby will always be there for Harry Potter.
The Dom as Dobby: Except, you know, in the last three films, but...two out of five isn't bad if you really think about it. Uh, essentially what Dobby is trying to say is he will very occasionally be there for Harry Potter.
- Just the way the Dom says the line: "Aberforth had trouble with the law for doing something to a goat he shouldn't have been doing to a goat."
- The Dom and Terrence's battle over who gets to do the final review.The Dom: (as Terrence slowly sneaks up behind him) I was hoping to keep the last two films to one episode each, but doing that with Deathly Hallows Part 1 was flat-out exhausting. So, here we are (click) and that's called a "land mine," Terrence!
- Terrence Apparating them to various locations as they fight, first to the Village, where he accidentally hits Number 6 with a Full Body-Bind ("What the devil?!"); then to Camp Half-Blood, where The Dom briefly gains the upper-hand by saying Voldemort's name over and over before they are chased away by a minotaur.
- Both The Dom and Terrence trying to fight through the FEELINGS induced by Snape's "Always," line and stick to their stance that he was still a "dickhead."
- "Mm! Terrence does like a fiery redhead. Mrs. Weasley, let me know next time your husband's away."
- Part One ends with an army of Snape fans coming to take revenge on the two for badmouthing him. The Dom laments that he is going to be killed by "an army of teenage girls with confused sexual feelings towards a bad role model... Just like my horoscope said."
- Terrence's argument convincing the fangirls to give up their assault at the beginning of Part Two:Terrence: So, in conclusion, that is why Tom Hiddleston's Loki is a much better object of your misplaced affections than Snape ever was. There is no need for us to keep fighting, go forth and write your terrible slash-fiction in peace!
- The Dom had managed to hold off the fangirl army long enough for Terrence to research his argument, but at a terrible cost: his tank.
- "Well, it had a good run."
- Film Aberforth's feelings towards his brother being reduced to "...I just kind of don't like him, 'cause he keeps secrets and stuff."
- "For one thing, [the Carrows] had a nasty habit of beating up incredibly handsome students at the dinner table just for sharing a bit of news. Dickheads."
- After Terrence magically fixes The Dom's eyesight (the in-universe explanation for him no longer needing glasses after getting laser surgery), The Dom lets him take over for a bit while he takes a bunch of goofy selfies for his Facebook.
- Prince Humperdink as a stand-in for the Bloody Baron.
- "[The filmmakers] also thought the films needed less Easter eggs and more awkward teenage snogging. Good call there, guys!"
- The Death Eaters sent to capture Neville's grandma failing due to underestimating her sass.Fat Grandma: I'll learn ya, ya darn Death Eaters!
- The Dom criticizing the Goblet of Fire film for seemingly having every character deciding to grow out their hair at the same time...then panicking as an old photo of himself with quite a lengthy hairstyle of his own pops up. "Okay, NOBODY saw that."
- During the Patreon sponsors portion of the credits, there's a piece of fanart of the basilisk watching Desperate Housewives.
- The Dom demonstrating, in a new sequence called Interesting Science With The Dom, that if one throws a book that has been adapted into a Disney movie as far as one possibly can, it is mathematically certain that no matter how far it is thrown, it will still be closer to the thrower than the Disney adaption was to the book's plot. "Science!"
- The Dom mentioning that the book, despite having the framing device of being a series of diary entries by the titular princess, doesn't very well mimic the writing style of a stereotypical teenage girl..."unfortunately, it mimics the talking style of one perfectly."(book dialog as The Dom reads): She's totally such a jerk, like...whatever, because, boys, and just- God, my mom's just so unfair she doesn't let me do anything, and just- I'm so flat-chested but I'm not gonna apologize because just- y'know, like, BOYS and...why does the universe hate ME and-
(The Dom slowly licks a finger and turns the page)
(book dialogue continues): ...and BO-O-OYS, and just like, whatever because life is unfair...
- The skit of Mia writing in her diary as the events she is writing about are occurring. "Uh, Mia? Hello?"
- "Why do you hate living fathers, Disney?!"
- "You might be wondering how the whole inheritance thing works in the book if his death wasn't the catalyst for Mia having to assume the throne of Genovia someday. Well, that's a lovely story involving testicular cancer and bastards. Yay."
- "Oh yes, you poor thing, Mia, you and Hermione should form a support group to help you get through life looking so homely."
- The skit demonstrating Josh's "personality" in the book.Josh: Hey.
Mia and Lily: (squeal, swoon and faint)
- The Dom's brief Laughing Mad moment as he discusses the book's finale having nothing to do with the whole princess thing that's in the book's title.
30,000 Subscribers Terrence Q&A
- Terrence starts off the Q&A his usual cheerfully smug self...then the first question is why he still wears Hogwarts robes if he is in his thirties.(beat)
Terrence: *sigh* (downs the drink he was holding in one go, then uncorks a large bottle and takes a swig from that) Okay, I don't know how you tracked down my ex-wife, or what she's been telling you, but I am not so emotionally-damaged by the Battle of Hogwarts I can't even move on enough to take off the robes I was wearing, I just don't fancy changing my clothes right now OKAY? Next question.
- Terrence's past interactions with Harry Potter.Terrence: Oh hey, Harry. Uh...you got any gum?
Terrence: Hey, Harry, can I be in the D.A. again if I apologize to Parvati and promise to keep my hands to myself from now on?
Terrence: Y'know, honestly I wouldn't worry about it, Harry, my penis talks to me all the time.
Terrence's penis: You should steal Luna's shoes so she has to talk to you!
- Terrence's patronus is Shia LaBeouf.
- "I don't know why, I've never even SEEN a Transformers movie, the only thing I know him from is Even Stevens and I-I-I didn't get the appeal!"
- Terrence can't really recall any embarrassing stories about himself...Professor McGonagall: MR. BOOT, WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING IN MY ROOM?!
Terrence: Oh, no need for games, Professor. Why don't you come over here and give me fifty points to Ravenclaw?
- "Well...probably safe to say I misread some signals there."
- Terrence flirting with a dementor.
- Terrence's OTP: Terrence and Mrs. Weasley.
- Terrence faces a boggart. "I'm Sorting you into Hufflepuff!"
- When Terrence is asked about his favorite magical sweet:Terrence: You know, everyone likes to make fun of Cockroach Clusters, but if you dip those bad boys in caramel...well, they're still fucking disgusting, but Hufflepuffs don't realize what they're eating until it's too late.
- Terrence's "foolproof test" for determining if a Slytherin is falling into Dark magic:Terrence: DeathEatersayswhat?
Scorpius Malfoy: Huh?
Terrence: Hmm... (makes "I'm watching you" gesture)
- Terrence's guide to chatting up girls from each House:Ravenclaw: "Hey, baby, how 'bout me and you head upstairs and I'll introduce my 'wit beyond measure' to your 'greatest treasure.'"
Gryffindor: "If you think what Neville managed to do with the sword and the Sorting Hat was impressive, wait until you see what I'm about to pull out."
Slytherin: "Well hello nasty girl. I'm thinking me and you head downstairs, my basilisk is just dying to get to know your Chamber of Secrets."
Hufflepuff: "Well hello there. My name's Harry Potter. Yes, that one, you've heard of me!"
- "Fun facts about Miss Granger: she can write in short-hand, she smells like fresh peaches, and she doesn't like it when people smell her."
- Terrence just grins evilly and waggles his eyebrows when asked if he knows of any secret passages the Marauders never found.
- "What is the relationship between Dom and Terrence?" "Stop shipping us, Internet! It's getting weird."
- Terrence advising being absolutely certain which of a pair of twins you've lent money to, "or they'll both claim it was the other one later, and then all of a sudden Terrence is the bad guy because (Alan Rickman voice) 'Veritaserum isn't for something so petty,' and, 'Get out of my office, Boot, it's three in the morning.'"
- Apparently Terrence once attempted to score with Moaning Myrtle. "Good lord I was drunk that night."
- Terrence was the best at Quidditch.
- Calluna popping up behind The Dom, and his reaction.
- The Dom asks Calluna what she's doing there, to which she responds that she's there to help with the review. The Dom then clarifies that what he meant was "more along the lines of how did you know where I was staying, and how did you get in here?" Calluna merely holds up a copy of The Hobbit and smiles creepily in response.
- Calluna presses The Dom to let her in on the review:
- Calluna's opinion that, with all the drama behind the making of the Hobbit films, "we're lucky this wasn't set in space staring Siamese cats."
- The recreation of how much Azog featured in the book. With Calluna in a fake beard as Gandalf.Gandalf: Hey, remember how your grandfather was killed by that orc?
Thorin: Oh yeah. That guy sucked.
- And then again with Radagast.Gandalf: Hey Beorn, I think you know my cousin Radagast?
Beorn: Oh yeah. He's a good guy.
- And then again with Radagast.
- The Dom's constant mispronunciations of the Battle of Azanulbizar.
- The Dom being uncomfortable not doing the review in front of a greenscreen. "How do you deal with all this... [disgusted] reality?"
- He tentatively pokes the couch a few times as Calluna rolls her eyes...then moves to poke her, and gets his hand slapped away.
- While criticizing how the film toned down the colorful nature of many of the dwarves' outfits in the book, Calluna admits that she can see the filmmakers being worried about them being taken seriously, "as it sounds a bit...y'know. Hi-ho, hi-ho..."
- "Dark loner broody heroes are all the rage at the moment, but back when The Hobbit was written, you were allowed to fight evil and not be grumpy all the time."
- After The Dom talks about how book!Thorin would go on long droning speeches listening to the sound of his own voice:
- The suggestion that one of the writers was on a Red Bull-influenced sugar high for certain scenes.Writer: Okay, the book says the party is travelling through the mountains and they see giants fighting in the distance...
Hyperactive writer: YEAH! AND THEN IT TURNS OUT THAT THEY'RE STANDING ON ONE OF THEIR KNEECAPS, AND THEY FLY AROUND WITH IT AS THEY BATTLE AND HEADBUTT EACH OTHER AND SHIT!
Writer: ...What? Okay, so Gandalf then throws his voice and does impressions of the trolls to keep them arguing long enough for the sun to rise...
Hyperactive writer: YOU MEAN HE SMASHES A GIANT BOULDER WITH HIS STAFF, LETTING THE SUN THROUGH IT!
Writer: ...I don't think I do...
Hyperactive writer: IT'S GONNA BE AWESOOOOME!!
Writer: Right, so, after the dwarves run through the tunnels, chased by the goblins, they-
Hyperactive writer: THEY FIGHT ALL THE GOBLINS ALONG THE WOODEN ROADS AND SURF A COLLAPSING BRIDGE DOWN A HUGE PRECIPICE AND IT'S BADASS!!!
Writer: (tearful) Why are you always yelling, Liz?
- Calluna dragging The Dom along with her to fight a cave troll randomly attacking the city, mirroring how Gandalf shanghaied Bilbo in the book.
- The Dom trying to ask Calluna out to dinner, only to get shot down, as she already had plans. There's a knock at the door...Terrence: Hey, gorgeous, you ready to go?
- "DAMN YOU TEREEEEEEEEENCE!!!"
- In the bloopers video, both Dom and Calluna flubbing their lines right from the get-go.Dominic: So no, I don't think it's a terrible film, but isl- buti-
Dominic: Buttocks. I do like a good pair of buttocks!
- "I INVENTED PLASTIC, GANDALF, DON'T QUESTION IT!"
- "My aunt gave me those, she spent a dollar thirty-five!"
- "The immature, bickering nature of said trolls. [beat] Insert Internet joke here."
- The Dom briefly becoming Bert from Mary Poppins.
- "I INVENTED PLASTIC, GANDALF, DON'T QUESTION IT!"
- Almost inevitably, the review opens with The Dom doing a parody of the movie...in which he scolds his beautiful watchers for asking for said parody, and tells them that he's going to get the whole thing out of the way at the beginning before it stops being funny.The Dom: But now, you come to me and you say, "Dom, give me the parody that everyone is going to expect from you when you review The Godfather," but, ah...you do not ask with respect, you...don't offer friendship, you...don't even think to call me "The Dom."
- All while stroking a Charmander plush.
- Afterwards, he drops the "slightly racist accent" but keeps the suit, "cuz I look fucking amazing in it."
- The usual spoiler warning text includes an additional warning for "high probability of poorly pronounced Italian names."
- After being clear that even though he believes that the film fully deserves all the praise given it, it is not for everyone and there's nothing wrong with choosing not to watch it:The Dom: Right then, while the League of Snooty Film Critics furiously search through our bylaws to see if that's something I'm allowed to say...
- "I have to admit, when I first started reading this book, I wasn't expecting quite so much of the plot to be based around...um...genitalia."
- "I-I'm pretty sure this book is supposed to be about the mafia, isn't it? No? Still describing vaginal surgery, huh? Okay. I'll wait."
- At the end, it turns out that The Dom was not allowed to say it was okay to not see the film, and he is taken before the League of Snooty Film Critics, who pronounce his punishment: reviewing Fifty Shades of Grey.
Frank Herbert's Dune - The Dom Reviews
- The Dom opens with a letter to the director of the upcoming film reboot, pleading with him to keep in mind that the original book version of Baron Harkonnen cannot fly.
- "P.S. I would prefer to avoid another 'space speedo' incident if possible as my liver cannot handle another fifth of Liqueur all at once, but that is admittedly a secondary concern."
- Describing the glowing-eyes effect as making everyone look like "alternative Jawas."
- *The Dom is what's known as "Picardosexual". Mostly straight but very attracted to Patrick Stewart.
- "The only reason I could think of for them adding in the cute fremen girl, is what's the point of having the lead do something cool, if there's only an old woman there to be wowed by it, you know? You gotta have sexual tension, or there's no point!"
- "Oh, William Hurt, maybe just...don't do sci-fi, it's clearly not your thing."
- "Herbert kinda had a 'because fuck you' attitude towards explaining his biology."
- The Dom's reaction to the clip of the Guild spokesman's strange hand movements.The Dom: Was the director just asleep that day, or had everyone just given up by this point, so the actor decided that interpretive dance meets William Shatner was the way to go?
- "Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying porn is the problem, I LOVE porn, I don't have an eight-digit passcode on my phone because I'm worried my mother will accidentally see my holiday snaps..."
- "This is arguably the only time that Grey has a positive effect on the story, and it still pretty much boils down to, 'Unhand that lady! If anyone's going to take advantage of her, it's going to be meeeee!' What a hero."
- (big forced grin) "All of these characters are scum!"
- "For some reason, I can only assume some sort of botched lobotomy in her past, Ana continues to like Grey..."
- Upon reaching the part where Grey follows Anastasia to her mother's place despite her specifically going there to get some distance from him to think things over, the Dom pauses, breathing very heavily, then snaps apart the handcuffs he was wearing, steps off screen for a moment and comes back with a gun, which he fires into the air until it runs out of bullets.
- (deep, calming breath) "...Nope!" (pulls out two more guns and fires them off as well)
- (clears throat and straightens tie) "Thanks for waiting, I feel much better now."
- (deep, calming breath) "...Nope!" (pulls out two more guns and fires them off as well)
- The whole bit and skit about Anastasia being "the most easily sexually-satisfied woman in the UNIVERSE."
- The Dom admitting that he personally has only dabbled in BDSM - "I won't go into details, but suffice to say...these were not my only pair of handcuffs."
- "This concludes the slightly more structured element of the review. I shall now start shouting random complaints about this piece of shit masquerading as a book as they occur to me."
- "And on top of that, the fucking descriptives...and I mean that both literally and figuratively..."
- The outraged confusion over the repeated line of pants hanging off legs "that way."The Dom: ...What does that mean?! I mean, are we talking crotch bulge? If not, how does baggy trousers equal sexy?!
- The Dom's aggrieved sigh when he has to discuss the infamous "inner goddess".
- "THAT'S NOT WHAT 'SUBCONSCIOUS' MEANS!"
- The Dom gets so outraged by E.L. James's assertion that the book is a love story that he punches the greenscreen image behind him so hard it cracks. "Oh gods, that really hurt."
- The montage of elevator doors opening and closing in the film.The Dom: Quite frankly I think someone involved in this movie had a serious hard-on for elevator doors, and I wish they'd left us out of it.
- Ana not picking up on Christian's suspicious purchases.Christian: Okay, I'm gonna need some cable ties...
Christian: Some good strong tape...
Christian: Quite a lot of rope...
Christian: Um, some good thick chains if you have them...
Ana: No problem.
Christian: And, uh...do you have any books titled "How to Use Hardware Store Supplies to Facilitate Kinky Sex Acts"?
Ana: Well...I'll have to ask my manager. Gosh, this sure is some strange redecorating you're doing, Mr. Grey.
- Comparing book Christian's reaction to learning of Anastasia's virginity to as if he was told "her vagina had a one-in-six chance of turning into a tarantula if he touched it."
- The skit demonstrating the problems with trying to avoid an NC-17 rating for a movie based on a book with its appeal based on hardcore sex scenes.
- The censor bars over the nude scenes being labeled "Bewbs," "Lady parts," and "Bum," depending on what they're covering.
- The Dom not getting the Accidental Innuendo of his name. And that his subscribers could be called his "subs".The Dom: My "beautiful watchers", actually, but what's your point?
- "Bitch, unless you're George Takei, you have no business saying ["Oh my"] seventy-two times."
Power Rangers (2017) - The Dom Reviews
- "But then [Alpha 5] goes and says something like, 'Wow, different colored children,' and I'm like, 'Woah, Alpha, bro, I mean I know you're sixty-five million years old so you're basically the ultimate out-of-touch grandpa, but you can't say that in 2017."
- The Dom showing off his Ninjor action figure.
- The little skit about the film's blatant Product Placement.Rita: Where's the Zeo Crystal, Billy?
Billy: It's in Krispy Kreme!
Rita: "Krispy Kreme"?
Billy: Yeah, Krispy Kreme.
Rita: This..."Krispy Kreme" must be very special.
Billy: Oh, Krispy Kreme is very special.
Rita: Well, I guess I'd better go look for this Krispy Kreme right now.
Billy: KRISPY KREME!
- "It's at times like these that I'm just glad I'm not one of those weak-willed idiots who's easily influenced by that kind of thing." (immediate cut to the Dom scarfing down three donuts at once while sobbing pathetically)
- "It's not even the best advertisement for them. The Krispy Kreme in question gets torn apart by Goldar to form a massive doom-pit of fire and death! Yay, bring the family!"
- Questioning how the Megazord gets back into hiding after a battle. "I was just imagining it loping through the countryside with this massive crowd of people following it with their camera phones, going like 'Shoo, shoo, go away! Rrgh!'"
- The Dom threatening to stop letting Terrence crash at his place if the wizard doesn't do the review for him.
- When talking about Lucinda's habit of turning complainers into squirrels, Dug pops up and Terrence has to shoo him away.
- "Now, I know what you're thinking, you're thinking 'Good lord, Terrence, you sexy magical man-beast of love, how the hell did you miss [the Cinderella connection]? The key is in the bloody name!' That's exactly how you thought it."
- Terrence's reaction to Joanna Lumley as Dame Olga in the film.
- "I'm beginning to see why the Dom doesn't want kids. If they ever adapt your life into a movie it's a fucking death sentence."
- "Prince Char makes an appearance with his uncle, who, just in case you weren't entirely sure was the bad guy from his black goatee, constant maniacal laughter, and beforementioned enslavement of all magical creatures, has a pet talking snake coiled around his scepter that whispers bad things to people."
- Among the names he refers to Char's uncle by: Uncle McObviousNasty, Uncle Oh-My-Goodness-How-Do-You-Not-See-That-He's-The-Bad-Guy, Uncle Seriously-All-You-Have-To-Do-Is-Look-At-Him, Uncle Picture-You'd-See-In-A-Dictionary-Next-To-The-Word-"Betrayal", Uncle Satan-The-Lord-Of-Darkness-Called-Even-He-Thinks-You're-Overdoing-It.
- Regarding the portrayal of elves in the film:Terrence: You know, I showed this to my family's former house-elf Stumpy, and even he assured me that this is undignified and distasteful.
- "The giants tell [Ella] to sing, and the curse gives her the power to...um...invent Queen."
- "Slannen then starts dating a giant girl...I-I mean, I get the appeal, but I just don't think he's thought it through, logistics-wise."
- "They storm into the throne room to save Char, the guards are summoned but are no match for the giants, so...so, the evil talking snake presses a button on the wall...and summons ninjas."
- After the description of the film's plot:Terrence: (long beat) ...Couple of notes...
- Terrence complains about the greenscreen effects in the film:Terrence: I'm pretty sure the Dom could do a better job, and he's half-drunk at three-thirty in the afternoon!
The Dom: Hey!
Terrence: You have a problem, and we're going to have to talk about it eventually!
- The Dom talks about how film-Rambo made an effort not to kill the police pursuing him...then starts laughing wildly.The Dom: Nope! Nope nope nope, nope nope nope, nope nope nope. In the book, Rambo. Kills. EVERYBODY.
- The face the Dom makes during the moment he gives the viewers to process the revelation that Rambo dies in the book.
- Terrence trying to teach Rambo the Levitation Charm.
- The Dom states that Rambo, a US soldier, was awarded a Victoria Cross for his efforts in Vietnam, which is immediately followed by an onscreen note admitting that he got his UK and US medals mixed up.
Stephen King's The Shining - The Dom Reviews
- "HEDGES ARE NOT SCARY!"
- The cliff's-notes version of the review:Producer: Hi Stephen, I'm your new producer. So! Have you thought about what you really want us to concentrate on while we're adapting this?
Stephen King: Just make it loyal to my book.
Producer: Gotcha. And, do you have any actors in mind yet?
King: Oh, I don't care. As long as it's loyal to my book.
Producer: So...you don't care if they can't act to save their lives?
King: Nope. As long as it's loyal to my book.
Producer: Okay. Um, and the direction, do you want it to be genuinely atmospheric and slowly build up to an unseen menace, or should we go in a more in-your-face, scary-monsters-jumping-out-at-you direction?
King: Eh. Neither. Both. I don't really care, as long as it's loyal to my book.
Producer: Uh...o-okay. And the CGI. Now, are we gonna throw the budget into this and get the best of the best, or just pay the minimum and let it get dated as fuck within a few years?
King: I don't care-
Both: As long as it's loyal to my/your book.
Producer: Yes. Just like your books, I'm noticing a recurring theme emerging.
- "Oh, it will be [loyal to your book], Stephen. It may just be that, but it will be that."
- Calling the lion hedge "both an embarrassment to special effects, and the best actor in the series."
- A potential online review of the hotel:"The staff were friendly, and the location was really nice, but I was just a little bit concerned that if one overweight cowboy didn't do his job exactly right every day, myself and everyone in my family would instantly die in a fiery inferno. Mmm...three stars. Maybe three-and-a-half."
- "Hey, the dad from Friends, act better! I know you can, you're not even trying, you're just saying all your lines like you were Google voice generator.
- Deciding that the CGI firehose with teeth is just so obviously stupid as to not be worth discussing.
- "Now, I can't speak from experience, because I've never been grabbed from behind by a decaying naked zombie lady, but, I am one hundred percent certain that the correct sound to make is more akin to:(long, terrified scream) ...as opposed to: (clip of Danny crying 'Woah!') Because 'Woah!' is the noise you make when you almost trip over but not quite, not the noise you make when you're being grabbed from behind by a decaying naked zombie lady!"
- "Okay, so. Mr. King. I know the main reason for this show's existence is because you weren't happy with Kubrick, but, come on. Look me in the eye, and be completely honest with me: you copied his homework just a little bit, didn't you? I'm not mad, I just want you to own up."
- "Why did the zombie conductor just turn away from his band? And why is the camera lingering on him for so long? Wait. Oh hi Stephen."
- Complaining about how such a fancy hotel should really have given Jack some better alcohol in both versions. "Get your shit together, ghost hotel, and serve some decent fucking liquor!"
The Dom's 50,000 subscriber milestone introspective
- The matter-of-fact way he describes his initial post-bachelor-of-arts-degree-in-a-bad-economy days as "I discovered there was fuck-all work available in my chosen field, got a full-time day job, and slowly gave up on all my dreams."
- Regarding the 3 ark spaceships that would supposedly be moving an alien population from their "doomed" planet:The Dom: The "A" ark would house all of the great leaders, scientists, heroes, artists, and Internet critics...
- The film Heart of Gold's doors' sighing being compared to "the noise that quite a slow person makes after they've figured out the punchline to a joke ten minutes after everyone else."
- Due to the complicated history of the canon source material, the Dom adds a temporary new category to this episode: "Where the FUCK do I put this?!"
- The Dom's freak-out at the end of Part 1.
- Fleeing from the review, the Dom seeks safety under Luke Spencer's desk.Luke: What are you doing under my desk?! In your PAJAMAS?!
The Dom: Well, I figured Florida would be the safest place to hide from the Hitchhiker's movie.
Luke: That doesn't answer either of my questions! How long have you been down there?
The Dom: Long enough. (beat, shifts eyes awkwardly) You, uh...scratch your balls a lot when you review things, don't you?
Luke: GET OUT OF MY HOME.
- After Luke gives him some encouragement to finish the review:
- "Wow! A one-headed man? I've never seen one of those before!"
- "The idea that a president could commit crimes, maybe even treason, and the government would not only ignore this but want him to go on being president, is just too stupid to even consider-" —WARNING: GETTING TOO REAL— "-a-a-ahh so the joke where everyone turns into knitted versions of themselves is kind of funny, but also kind of stupid..."
The Dom's For No Particular Reason Q&A
- The Dom responding to a video question portrayed as being asked by a cockatiel by having his own pet cockatiel, Petrie, give his answer.Petrie: Greetings, Ozzy, I am Petrie, the Loud, Obnoxious and Needlessly Aggressive.
- One questioner starts off by claiming to have just finished up with Terrence...The Dom: Uhhh. Umm...if you can find your way to St. Mungo's, you might want to ask them about a condition called "hyper-magical veela herpes." Um...it's actually significantly worse than it sounds.
- Blanking out the rest of a video after the questioner uses the term "logical dick" to describe Tywin Lannister.The Dom: All I can think about is Mr. Spock's penis now.
- One fan praises the Dom as "you glorious man amongst men, women and others." All he reacts to is the cat she's holding.
- On a similar note, when another fan shows off her chinchilla:The Dom: Aw! He's adorable! I will take him from you, he will be mine.
- On a similar note, when another fan shows off her chinchilla:
- The Dom admitting that he's not a huge fan of Doctor Who.The Dom: Combine that with my dislike of tea, and I really am the worst Englishman ever. It's uh, probably my American heritage fucking with me.
- His concern as to whether the Fan Without a Face can breathe okay in his mask.
- The entirety of Reginald's backstory.
- Getting caught in a loop over referencing the fact that his tvtropes page referenced the fact that he referenced his tvtropes page...
- "I always say that Internet-fame is pretty much the same as regular fame, but without the money, recognition, lifestyle, and, well, fame."
- What's a question the Dom has always wanted to answer but never had the opportunity to be asked? "Good lord, the Dom, how did you just save the world using nothing but your wits and a pair of novelty Pokémon-themed chopsticks?"
- The Dom's best insult: "Good sir, your face is reminiscent of a bloated leech that has died and marinated for a week in a vat of the putrid gangrenous drippings of Satan's infected testicle!"
- "I'm pretty sure I'll eventually grind my rivals into dust and reign king of all adaptation reviewers! (maniacal laugh)- Uh, what I mean to say is, the Internet's a big place, there's room for all of us."
- What Hogwarts and Ilvermorny Houses is the Dom in?The Dom: None of them. I'm a muggle.
Terrence: Yeah he's a hella muggle.
- Similarly, what cabin in Camp Half-Blood would he be in?The Dom: Well, uhhh... I rather suspect I'd be in the cabin of whatever deity chose to copulate with my mortal parent. Uh, you don't really get a say in the matter like you do with the Sorting Hat.
- Similarly, what cabin in Camp Half-Blood would he be in?
- A questioner introduces herself as living in the state of Washington...The Dom: Ah yes, an East Coast state, known for its exports of novelty party-capes. (beat) I haven't learned a lot about America yet, I'm gonna swot up before I move.
- "The lead, determined to think of a surprising costume, has her attention drawn to a famous painting of one of Maxim's ancestors by Mrs. Danvers, who suggests that if she can have the dress made it would make an excellent costume."
- "This is gonna sound like the weirdest complaint in the world, especially coming from me, but...HOLY damn, this book is JUST, TOO, BRITISH!"Narrator: Are you sure you won't take some more tea, darling? Frith really has outdone himself with the crumpets and buttered scones today, don't you think?
Maxim: M'yes, dear. (looking at newspaper) Good lord, Gloucestershire lost by seventeen wickets! Who the devil taught these ragabonds how to play cricket?! I've half a mind to go down there and teach them a thing or two.
Narrator: Oh, before I forget, Colonel Julian and the vicar's wife are coming for afternoon tea tomorrow, and I thought it might be a good time to discuss the-
The Dom: AAAAAAAAGGGHHHHH, would you TONE IT DOWN JUST A LITTLE?! Good lord, I feel like I'm about to pass St. George's Cross out through my urethra like a KIDNEY STONE!
Maxim: ...I say.
- "Well, it's a Hitchcock movie, isn't it? Dude had mad game, bro, mad game, I...don't know why I'm saying that I'm sorry."
- When he gets to the part about Maxim having flat-out shot Rebecca in the book:The Dom: Azkaban.
- "...Wait, am I still doing this? Terrence, are we still doing the 'Azkaban' bit?"
- The book narrator is oddly okay with finding out her husband is a murderer:Narrator: Maxim, all I've ever wanted to hear you say is that you love me!
Maxim: I shot my last wife, darling. I-I pulled out a gun and put a bullet in a defenseless woman.
Narrator: You care for me in a way you never even cared for Rebecca!
Maxim: There was blood everywhere! I kept having to go back for more buckets of seawater to clean the cottage with!
Narrator: Oh Maxim, you've made me so happy! I love you too!
Maxim: I SHOULD NOT BE THE ONE FREAKED OUT BY THIS CONVERSATION!
- The narrator really should have been a tad more hesitant about being married to a man who has shown himself to be capable of murder to avoid a humiliating divorce.Narrator: Darling, you said you would be the one to take Jasper for a walk today, I've done it every day this week. This really is unfair- (click) -you know what I could probably use the exercise COME ALONG JASPER!
- The narrator really should have been a tad more hesitant about being married to a man who has shown himself to be capable of murder to avoid a humiliating divorce.
- The skit showing how the book narrator's constant detailed fantasies might have looked if they'd been carried over into the film.
The Neverending Story: The Animated Adventures - The Dom Reviews
- Deciding that reviewing a work based on an originally German book is a good opportunity to show off his excellent German. "Schraubenzieher!note "
- "Okay, it's time to play another rousing game of 'What the fuck is this adapting, and what the fuck is it a sequel to?' I'm genuinely surprised by how often this is coming up."
- Naturally, the Dom finding the cartoon's opening theme lacking in comparison to the film's song leads to him busting out his sweet dance moves.The Dom: Ah! My dancing! The one thing better than my German!
- "After [being turned to stone] happens to his wife, the dude does exactly the same thing... If they didn't look like they were already too old to have kids anyway, I would say this was Darwinism in action."
- "Xayide is so mad that she failed to stop them...she explodes."
- The "unintentionally fucked-up" counter.
- "[The Childlike Empress] has a name, you know! It's (suddenly raining) MOOOOOOOOOONCHI-I-IIIIIIIILD!"
- Pointing out that the Fantasians have no reason to be skeptical of a child's usefulness, given how Bastien has saved their world every time.The Dom: At this point you should be scoffing if an adult offers to help!
- His horror upon seeing that the cartoon showcases the Rockbiter family from the third movie.The Dom: No one tell The Nostalgia Critic!
- The Dom briefly thinking that Xayide might be a semi-competent villain...and his disappointment when less than a minute later she destroys her own minions in annoyance when she could have just as easily targeted the heroes.
- The Stinger:Gnome: How many times do I have to repeat myself, woman?
The Dom as the gnome: Get your fucking arse to the winch, wench!
A Very Brief Ancient History of Westeros
- The casual way he bluntly describes the continent of Essos as "a bit bigger [than Westeros], but also a bit shit."
- When the children of the forest recommend that the First Men adopt the worship of their old gods "because it was jolly good fun doing so", a weirwood tree pops up with a ":D" face carved into it.
- The Ancient Starks' rather eloquent response to the Andals desire to rule the North:Ancient Starks: "FUCK OOOFFFF!!!"
- Summing up the Doom of Valyria as: "...Valyria exploded."
A Very Brief Recent History of Westeros
- Pretty much the entire portrayal of King Aerys II. "TRRREEEEEEEEASOOOOOOOOON!!!"
- Representing Aerys' insanity by photoshopping bugged-out googly-eyes over a piece of official artwork.
- The Mad King and Rickard Stark:Aerys: Hi! ...So...pretty bad situation, but, you know, we, we can talk it out like adults. Why don't you just, you just, why don't you come down here and we'll, we'll discuss it. I definitely won't burn you alive.
Rickard: Um...you promise?
Aerys: Mm-hm, mm-hm! Yup! S'all good! I promise on my honor as a king, and a Targaryen.
Aerys: (crazy laugh) Sucker! Burn him! Burn him for TRRRREEEEEEASSSOOOON! Kill his son too.
Rickard: Ah, fuck.
- "Um... No. No I'm not going to do that. Fuck you... Stick it up your bum."
- When detailing which sides each of the Great Houses took in Robert's Rebellion, the Lannister's rather curious decision to remain 'neutral' is accompanied by a Not So Innocently Whistling Tywin Lannister.
- The Battle of the Trident:Rhaegar: Oh, relax, Dad, I got this.
The Dom: He did not, however, got this.
- Aerys dancing around happily chanting "Burn them all!"
- Claiming that Daenerys Targaryen's "Stormborn" appellation "would almost certainly be the only title she would ever pick up in her life."
Game of Thrones S1 E1
- The Dom's demonstration of the potential negative side-effects of the book's unforgiving portrayal of bleakness.Calluna: Dom, you've got work to do. Get up.
The Dom: (moan) What's the point? What's the point in anythi-hi-hiiiiing?! (sobs)
- The photoshopped drooping mustache and hair bells for Khal Drogo.
- "Word on the street was that [Ashara Dayne] was very grateful to [Eddard] for returning their family's ancestral sword and restoring the family honor, so, she may have gotten to know Ned's ancestral sword too."
Game of Thrones S1 E2
- The Dom happily replaying the clip of Tyrion slapping Joffrey.
- Finishing the "Same" section with, "And Bran finally waking his lazy ass up."
- Regarding the show's added conversation between Jon and Ned, with Ned promising to tell Jon about his mother when he returned:
Game of Thrones S1 E3
- The first instances of "GAME OF THRONES HATES BALDNESS," with the introduction of Grand Maester Pycelle and Syrio Forel.
- Regarding Jon making an enemy of Alliser Thorne:Jake Peralta: Yay, enemies for life!
- "Daenerys and all her handmaidens have a bath together at some point. See, there's your Fanservice, guys, you don't need to add extra random boobs to scenes!"
- The entire opening sequence, including:
- The Dom in the shower singing "You'll Be Back";
- Opening his hotel door to find Calluna standing there holding The Hobbit, a Slasher Smile on her face and accompanied by "Psycho" Strings;
- The Dom's reaction to said appearance;
- And cut to the Dom making Calluna watch a Channel Awesome code of conduct training video featuring The Nostalgia Critic: "Respecting boundaries while pursuing crossovers."Nostalgia Critic: But it's important to remember, especially if your fellow reviewer is, shall we say, not as on-board with the idea as you are, that things like trespassing, kidnapping, and threats of violence ARE still illegal, and reviewers can still go to jail like anyone else.
Calluna: I don't see why we have to-
The Dom: WATCH. The video.
Nostalgia Critic: ...Trust me. I know.
- Calluna gives a noncommittal shrug when the Dom asks if she's learned her lesson after the video.
- "Good lord, if that much gold got released into Middle-Earth all at once it would completely devalue the whole currency! People would be using it to make horseshoes within a week!"
- Smaug's potential critique of Bard's "Not if I kill it first" line:Smaug: Dude, that was...so cringe. I'll tell you what, I'll swing around again so you can think of something better, okay?
- The Dom pouting when Calluna says the "Let's talk adaptation" line.
- Calluna sighing whenever Thranduil shows up.
- When discussing Legolas's presence in the film:The Dom: Also, damn, brah, when you're jealous of a four-foot-high mortal being, it's time to reevaluate your life a bit, ya feel me?
Calluna: Please stop talking like that.
- Remarking that film-Bard "somehow manages to look more like Orlando Bloom than Orlando Bloom in this movie."
- Noting that Tolkien seemed to have been much like his own dwarf characters in not having thought through what to do with Smaug once they got to him.Tolkien: Um...then...someone shoots him. But not just any someone! This guy was like a, a, a, a prince, or something. It doesn't matter, let's get back to the dwarves!
- After criticizing the Stephen Colbert cameo in the film for being so brief and hard to spot...
- On the fight between Smaug and the dwarves: "There is so much stuff in this that just does not...physics."
- "It seems the hyperactive writer from the first film has finally kicked her caffeine addiction...because she's moved on to harder substances."The Dom!writer: Okay, so Gandalf and the hobbit walk up to Beorn and say hello-
Hyperactive writer: NO, HE CHASES THEM INTO HIS OWN HOUSE IN RAGE-BEAR MODE!!!
The Dom!writer: ...I thought we were gonna fire her.
Other writer: (shrugging) The first movie was a big hit.
- The Dom seeing a "Time until this becomes a theme park ride" counter during the river sequence.
- Regarding Balin's claim that only a black arrow fired from a wind lance could kill Smaug...Balin: Or, I suppose in a pinch you could fire it from a bow made out of a small boy with the same result.
Bilbo: Wait, what?
Balin: Ah, don't worry lad, I'm just foreshadowing so it doesn't seem massively contradictory in the next film.
- Calluna calling the Dom out on his error with the moon-letters in the first Hobbit review.
- The Dom and Calluna actually like the additions to Thranduil's character, and correspondingly make some creative additions to the cutting-off-the-orc's-head scene.DEAL WITH IT
- Terrence showing up at the end, and awkwardly telling Calluna he thinks they should see other people right before his new date arrives: Thranduil.Terrence: I'm, ah, going to see if it's actually possible to mess that hair up later.
- "I can't even be mad! They make such a pretty couple." (beat) "I ship it."
- The "dramatic turn" counter during the credits.
- The entire blooper video.
- During the skit with the hyperactive writer holding the Dom by the shirt collar as she yells her plans for the dwarf vs Smaug battle, Calluna keeps flubbing one word, but determinedly snaps at Dom when he suggests that she skip that part, while still manhandling him in-character, prompting him to beg her not to hurt him for real.
Death Note (2017) - The Dom Reviews
- The Dom's rant about film-Light's stupidity compared to his manga counterpart, and his subsequent even MORE passionate rant about the same regarding film-L.
- Referring to some of Light's victims as "hostage-taking salute guy," "mother-killing steak knife guy," and "the school bully kid."The Dom: Yeah, I know they all had names, but who gives a fuck?
- *sniff* "They made L into a hipster!"
- "The difference between Light and Mia is akin to a Futurama sketch!"Light: I say your willingness to kill goes too far!
Mia: Well I say your willingness to kill doesn't go far enough!
Light: Gosh, we are so different!
Mia: Indeed. Killing each other is the only option.
- Summing up the film's story as "A slightly smarter-than-average hipster with a gun physically running after a slightly smarter-than-average emo. And it's exactly as less-entertaining as that sounds."
- The Dom starts off the review dressed in drag as a knife-wielding little girl...then pauses, takes off his wig and remarks that he's going to go easy on the sketches in this video, as he feels it's getting a little weird even for him.
- "I pronounce the name "Daigle" several different ways in this review because FUCK CONSISTENCY!"
- The Dom's self-described "clumsy evolution metaphors."
- The extremely awkward showcasing of Reginald's conversation with little Rhoda.The Dom: Ah, the fifties. A slightly more innocent time where you could apparently have conversations that would put you on a WATCH LIST in the twenty-first century.
- Film-Rhoda ultimately receiving her comeuppance from the one person she didn't take into account: MIGHTY THOR!!
- Editing a few other films with their villains likewise meeting their ends "via random acts of God."
Game of Thrones S1 E5
- When the Dom refers to Ned "taking a knee during the national anthem" over Robert's plan to assassinate a pregnant Daenerys:Achievement Unlocked
Make an instantly dated political reference
- Criticizing George R. Martin for not having Ned and Jaime actually engage in any swordfighting in the book:The Dom: Gods damn it George, you edging son-of-a-bitch, you can't get me so close then refuse to finish me off.
- "Um, you're welcome for that mental image, by the way."
- "I just cannot wrap my head around who could possibly have read this cautionary tale about the dangers of allowing an agency like the Central Intelligence autonomous power to MURDER their way across the world, wiping out leaders both foreign and domestic and shaping history to suit their purposes, turning men into monsters because the work they do is for monsters not men, a story about awakening a beast that would otherwise have happily slept on, and most of all, a story about death upon DEATH upon DEATH, and thought to themselves: 'Y'know...this story would make an amazing COMEDY!'"
- Halloween is the Dom's favorite holiday due to it being "the one thing stopping Christmas from spreading further out into the year full-scale, like the gangrenous infection it is."
- Deliberately describing the actor playing Isaac as the only good child actor in the film, then a few clips later admitting that he is well aware that the actor was an adult with a medical condition, he just wanted to see how many people would try to correct him in the comments without even watching a few more seconds into the video.
The Secret Circle of Imaginary Friends - The Dom Reviews
- The Dom making several failed attempts to pronounce the author's last name, before Jeavons himself pops in to correct him. Then he pronounces it even worse.Mike: Yoooouuuuu...prick.
The Dom: (cheerful) Hm-hm, British bonding!
Mike: Look, Dome Smythe...
- Mike gets some revenge during the credits.
- The Dom gives a spoiler-free synopsis of the book, then says he will wait for everyone who wants to read it to go do so before he gets into spoilers. He then waits for a full 35 seconds, during which he juggles some oranges, drinks some water, and posts a tweet.Do not be afraid to fail,
Be afraid to not try.
Be afraid of clowns.
The Dom: (chuckle) I'm deep.
- The Dom not quite being able to relate to the twelve-year-old protagonist being so protective of his younger sibling, imagining how he would have reacted to the same situation at that age.The Dom: Buh-bye! Have fun! Remember, if you see any bears, go RIGHT up to them, they're super friendly! It's the same with wolves! You can pet them with NO consequences! (to himself) Heh-heh-heh...I'm getting the bigger bedroom.
- The Dom being confronted by not one, but TWO future versions of himself, one from a dystopian future trying to stop his timeline from happening, the other from a utopian future trying to preserve it.The Dom: Ah. It's gonna be one of those sorts of days then. Joy.
- The dystopian future apparently involves "horny mutant squirrels."The Dom: Wait, what?
Dystopian-future!Dom: You don't want to know.
- "I can't say that my preconceptions about what life as an internet critic was gonna be like have been very accurate so far, but, whatever. I guess you've just got to roll with certain things."
- The dystopian future apparently involves "horny mutant squirrels."
- "The interplanetary police are somewhat disgusted that someone could be so arrogant as to think up a story about the fate of the world resting in his hands...[awkwardly pulls at collar] Er-hem "
- "[ ]and he finally meets Malina, the girl he's apparently been dreaming about for months. Also, a woman with three boobs. Yup. Um...there they are. Uno, dos, tres."
- Assuming that the entire Mars adventure was just the implanted memories Quaid had paid for, imagining him going home to his wife after coming out of the simulation.Quaid: Hi honey, I'm home. I went on an imaginary adventure today at Rekall. I was a secret agent, and I got to go to Mars, and save everyone living dere!
Lori: Oh! That sounds...nice, honey. Was I there?
Lori: Did I...help you save Mars?
Quaid: ...Uh, you were actually a evil corporate assassin and I killed you in cold blood.
Lori: ...I think we need to get a divorce.
- The early production meeting on whether the movie would be more an adaptation of the short story or a reboot of the Schwarzenegger film.Producer: Okay, let's show people how a real adaptation is done. Gonna make you proud of us, Philip.
Other producer: Oh, cool! So we're gonna include the alien dormice from the end.
Producer: ...So we're gonna need a woman with three breasts...
- Naturally, the aforementioned three-breasted hooker does indeed show up in the reboot, with her accompanying Censor Box reading "Heeelloo" and "We meet again."
- How did the two future Doms make it back in time in the first place? "A Wizard Did It."The Dom: Of fucking course. TERRENCE!
Terrence: [Apparates in] What up, Muggle- (beat, as he sees the other two Doms) I feel like there's a story here.
The Dom: Yes, and apparently, you play a staring role in it.
Terrence: Ah, my favorite kind, then. Let's grab Reginald and talk about it over drinks.
The Dom: Reginald doesn't get to be on camera, you know this.
Terrence: Yes, well, you really should be nicer to him, you know.
- Pointing out how very blue the movie is.The Dom: Even the fucking potatoes are blue, WHY ARE THE POTATOES BLUE?!
- "I'm poking fun at this film because that's what I do, but I will say in the highly unlikely event that I ever procreate, I'm sure this will be on my list of movies to show...it."
- The Dom's reaction upon seeing the harpy's...attributes.JUST CAN'T DEAL WITH THIS SHIT RIGHT NOW PART 1
- PART 2 comes during the scene with Schmendrick and the...unexpectedly endowed tree.
- The Dom casually drinking a certain beverage every time the red bull is brought up.
- "Apparently, what I've always suspected is true: if cats could talk, they'd be unhelpful dicks."
- "What are the odds I'd get another three-boob movie right after Total Recall?"
- There was no mention of "tree-titties" in the book.The Dom: This was a decision, by the filmmakers, to add titties where there were no titties before!
- "It's a personal philosophy of mine that one should never date anyone who's ever put a bullet in you."
- "I suspect this character was supposed to represent what the teen readers wished they could be, rather than be a surrogate for them to believe that they are, which possibly explains why this novel never gained the same sort of following as later books, whose authors figured out that there's nothing people love more than a blank slate that they can project themselves onto."
- "Meanwhile, the girl from the club is being stalked by a bunch of mischievous acrobats, and one has to assume she's had a traumatic run-in with gymnasts in the past, because this causes her to completely lose her shit and run away."
- "Vivian stops her, in order to tell her to keep running away. Helpful."
- The film being inducted into the "Dumbass Prophecies Hall of Fame," alongside Homeworld 2 and Revenge of the Sith.
- The Dom quickly becoming frustrated with film-Aiden's stalker behavior, to the point of asking if his surname is Grey.The Dom: Aaaaaaugh, he dipped his finger in her chocolate, dude that's a fucking restaurant, now she has to start making it all over again I HATE this guy so much!
- Repeatedly pointing out how the secret werewolf rulers of the area seem oddly fond of blatant displays of wolf-based imagery throughout the city.
- "I'm not entirely sure how 'wolf tracks leading to house' equals 'let's murder all the humans living there in cold blood,' but then again, I grew up in England, maybe that's standard behavior for American hunters."
- "Don't think I didn't notice that you're Prince Char from Ella Enchanted, buddy, you're quickly becoming the kiss of death for adaptations."
- Given the director's apparent intense fascination with showing the characters jumping, the Dom suspects she has a secret room in her house full of trampolines.
- Because the film adapts multiple comic titles, the usual survey of who read the books and saw the films includes a category for "Remembered reading some Tin Tin comics but not sure if it was the ones in question, I mean for goodness sake it was years ago."
- The Dom's offense at the idea of a British warship being used for cargo hauling and being captured by a smaller pirate vessel.The Dom: I think you'll find there's absolutely zero historical precedent for that, thank you very much Mr. Hergé.
After the Books According to J. K. Rowling
- How Harry's Auror job interview might have gone, considering he never finished his seventh year at Hogwarts.Ministry official: Ah, Mr. Potter! So wonderful to meet you in person at last! We're all so very honored that you want to join us here at the Ministry, and so very, very grateful for everything you've done for the wizarding world... Um, the thing is, the position of Auror does actually require at least five N.E.W.T.s in Defense Against the Dark Arts, Potions, Transfigura tion. Ah. Uh, also, we couldn't help but notice that, on your application form, you just wrote, "I'M HARRY POTTER BE-ACH," and included what appears to be a crude drawing of you defeating You-Know-Who, so, I mean it's, it's not exactly...y-you see, because we have to... (sigh) Follow me, I'll take you to your new office, it's on the third floor right next to the Minister's.
- Terrence considering Neville's post-books fate to be the most tragic of all, as he ended up married to a Hufflepuff.
- "A nice, quaint little story is probably the best way to describe this book, if you're the kind of person who can use the word 'quaint' without it sounding vaguely sarcastic. Which I am probably not."
- Pointing out the actors' obvious shivering while having to pretend to be enjoying a swim.The Dom: Y-y-yeah, this is great, I'm definitely not planning to PISS in the director's coffee later for making me do this!
- The film taking things from the book and playing them up to an extreme:The Dom: The Fosters happened to have a nicer-than-average cottage and owned the nearby wood? Well, now they're part of the aristocratic one-percent and SO blue-blooded they're far too good for regular-sized cookies, thank you very much!
- "You have no idea how clenched my buttocks were while reading this book and seeing the romance between Winnie and Jesse."
- "Not long into the movie, I started to notice some extra stuff that wasn't in the book, and I couldn't help but feel it was somehow familiar. Then, it hit me - like a giant iceberg to the face."
- "The Dom really meant that [he wouldn't put himself through any more of the Fifty Shades series] when he said it. But life has a funny way of surprising you. And underestimating just how much people love to see you suffer is a terrible mistake to make."
- A rather unkempt Dom glaring at his watchers, then flicking a cigarette at the camera before downing some alcohol.The Dom: You happy now, beautiful watchers? This is what you wanted.
- "Well, it shall never be said that I am not a man of my word. My stupid, stupid, stupid word."
- "I hate everyone who retweeted that tweet."
- "I am only human, and I'm also British, so sometimes the sarcasm just cannot be contained."
- "If you are unfortunate enough to have read it, and you noticed I described some things out of order, please forgive me... Or don't, I just read Fifty Shades Darker, nothing matters to me anymore."
- The Dom doesn't even make it through describing the first scene before growling and flipping the book double birds.
- "Gosh, the guy whose name is Hyde is actually a monster underneath a friendly exterior. You are a master of writing, James."
- The Running Gag of just how often throughout the synopsis the Dom can use the exact same phrase to describe events in the book:
- The skit of Ana and Grey at the masquerade ball.
- Around halfway through, the Dom getting exhausted describing all the horrible things that Grey does that invariably result in sex and Ana excusing him, and so asks his watchers to just assume that they're happening in between the rest of the stuff he describes.
- "Yes, Ana's horror about finding out that her lover was only interested in her in the first place because of a VAST lack of understanding in regards to what a sadist is, and an Oedipus Complex that would make Sigmund Freud himself go "Scheiße! Girl, get your ass out of zere!" and finding out that the most jealous man in America thought that sending her away so that he could undress his ex was a perfectly acceptable way to spend an afternoon, ONLY LASTED ONE NIGHT, and then she went right back to letting him pound her like yesterday's beef!"
- The Dom initially tried to listen to the audiobook, wanting to get through it faster and noting that to that end he could speed it up, "and listen to Alvin and the Chipmunks talk about their inner goddess."
- The artwork of the Dom attacking the book with a sword during his rage-induced meltdown.
- His impression of how Grey's "gun-wielding crazy ex-sub" ("I mean, yeah she has a name, but come on...") comes across as sounding like Igor.
- His impression of the doctor's overreaction to Ana not being on birth control.
- The skits with Ana trying to get Grey to tell her he loves her. Culminating in her head exploding in happiness when he finally says the words.
- "At one point, the simile 'I woke up and Grey was wrapped around me like ivy' was used, and I can only assume the author was super proud of herself for coming up with that, because it's used two or three more times in the same third of the book...although, I could be remembering that funny, I blacked out a few times while trying to get through this."
- "When I got to the epilogue where she attempted to set up some suspense for the sequel, I was like, 'Aww, James, you think you can write about something that would be in a real book, that's adorable.'"
- When listing all the red flags Ana missed/ignored with Grey, a literal red flag waves behind him for each one - then he gets to "And he wants to put his penis in her because she looks like his mother," accompanied by a whole host of red flags.
- The only slightly charitable thing the Dom can say about the book is that, in comparison to the first book, Fifty Shades Darker "is like being kicked hard repeatedly in the arse instead of the genitalia."
- The Dom's list of requirements if his watchers want him to review the final book in the series include: finding the Arc of the Covenant and sending him a selfie of them opening it, sixty watchers eating a cake made of raw jalapeño peppers, sacrificing a giraffe to Cthulhu, training a troupe of puppies to reenact the Percy Jackson musical, and getting the Dom a lunch date with Lin-Manuel Miranda.
- Theorizing that the director selected for the film (who had a rather unimpressive resume) was chosen "because he possessed the important skill of being willing to bend over and be E.L. James's biatch."
- "All the pop songs in the world are in this film."
- This time around, the Censor Box covering Ana's boobs is a "Not suitable for most advertisers" notice.
- " I do wonder if the shift from e-mails to messaging was something the filmmakers did without consulting James, or if someone actually had to sit her down and explain to her how the younger people actually communicate these days. Gosh I hope it was the latter."
- Pointing out the stupidity of Hyde taking a picture of a photo of Grey and Ana before he even got fired, apparently just so that after he did he could dramatically burn Grey out of it later.Hyde's friend: Hey, Jack? Um, why do you have a room full of other people's family photos?
Hyde: Oh, it's in case any of them cross me someday - I want to be ready to act out some really unsubtle imagery at a moment's notice. I've got this whole thing with a cigarette planned out, it's gonna be badass.
- The Dom's nipples singing "Rule, Britannia." And then him awkwardly apologizing for taking the joke too far.
Game of Thrones S1 E6
- The Dom's dramatic reading of Ned's line to Cersei: "Your brother...or your LOVER?" (DUN DUN DAAAAAAAH!)
- The bit about Littlefinger's manipulations coming across as less subtle in the show.Littlefinger: Oh, they left fish behind, did they? It's almost like they're making a personal attack on your wife, Lord Stark, but...that would only bother a super-honorable man, so, you're okay, right?
Littlefinger: A really big man, hmm? That sounds like Gregor Clegane, who all the smart people know works for Tywin Lannister, the coolest lord with the best kingdom in all the Seven Kingdoms...
Littlefinger: And you know, I was actually just talking with Tywin the other day, and he said your mother was a hamster, and your father smelt of elderberries.
Ned: I sentence Clegane to death!
Littlefinger: Gosh, what an unexpected result of this conversation.
- The "Marketable Quotes" scoreboard.
- The Dom having to hold himself back from going on a rant about a future-season issue.
- The sheer number of takes the Dom took whenever he had to say the term "MMORPG."
- "Okay, Simon Pegg, I love ya, man, but I'm gonna have to put you over here with Benedict Cumberbatch and Martin Freeman in the corner for British actors who should not be attempting American accents."
- Likening the difficulty level of figuring out the clue for the first challenge in the film to two and two coming together and making four. "Wooooow."
- Mentioning that the lead actor had also been considered for the lead role in Eragon, but had turned it down.The Dom: Fortunately for Eragon, there was not a shortage of young handsome British actors with no talent and silly haircuts.
- The Dom pointing out that not only does the film make no effort to have the main character look 14, but seems to actively draw attention to it by surrounding him with actual younger kids in school scenes.
- "Alex originally tracked down the scrapyard where his uncle's car was through research and deductive reasoning, but, why bother establishing that your protagonist is intelligent when you can show him doing kewl bike stuff while tailing a white van."
- "Gosh, I wonder why they could possibly want to make the start of [Alex's] adventure take place in a London train station?"
- The bit about how every British citizen seems to be a hair-trigger sociopath in the film.Royal guard: I say, those kids aren't supposed to be riding here. Well, that's a death sentence. Chaaaaarge!
- Being slightly understanding of the film changing Alex's hairstyle, as the book's description is a little, well
The Dom: Uuuh...objection?
- "What's the point of saving the world if it doesn't get you a date with someone who previously turned you down for one?"
Voldemort: Origins of the Heir - The Dom Reviews
- Terrence starts off with a talk about how it's a bit harder to be snarky and critical about fan films that are clearly labors of love as opposed to films made by big soulless corporations where everyone involved got paid. Then he finishes with:Terrence: Harder but not impossible. This film SUUUUUUUUCKED.
- Terrence recommends that people go and watch the film before his review, leading to:Terrence: For those of you who have already seen it, are returning after having just seen it, or are determined to disobey me like the naughty little ragamuffins you are, let's talk about the plot of this fan film.
- Describing some Mooks as "HYDRA soldiers if the Red Skull was the Other Mother from Coraline."
- Tom Riddle's first flashback conversation with Grecia:Riddle: FUCK MUGGLES, and FUCK YOU!! I'm going to be the strongest wizard ever and KILL YOU ALLshhhit forget you heard the last part.
McLaggen: Wow, the way you just yelled at me for no reason makes you even sexier! I bet you will be the strongest wizard ever!
- Terrence being Terrence, he finds it natural that the Ravenclaw member of the Heirs' Club should be the leader, and surmises that he is trying to help the Hufflepuff member "not suck so much."
- When Smith engages Riddle in a duel:Terrence: Surprising everyone, though, he becomes the first Hufflepuff to actually succeed at som- (breaks off into an extended fit of hysterical laughter) I'm just kidding of course, he gets his ass completely kicked and has to be saved by the Ravenclaw.
- When Smith engages Riddle in a duel:
- Terrence's rant on the interrogator's overuse of Veritaserum.
- The dramatic exclamation of the big plot twist is somewhat undercut by Terrence muddling the second half of Voldemort's name.
- This happens several more times throughout the review. "Volde-doodoo..."
- The full 10 seconds of silence as Terrence processes the plot twist.
- After a demonstration of the film's...questionable dubbing:
- "Don't pretend like you weren't thinking it."
- Also on the subject of dubbing issues, pointing out how the vocal performances don't always quite match the on-screen acting.Terrence: (standing still and calm while dubbed over by his own voice) You can tell I'm super bloody upset because of how BORED I look when I SCREAM at you!!
- Terrence's Voldemort voice.Voldemort: Well...I hid the ring in my mother's old house...the locket in the cave where I tortured those children when I was a boy...the diadem in the school I grew up in...but I think I'm going to hide the diary somewhere random like...ooh, Russia, yes, that feels right.
- Terrence's reaction to Tom Riddle having a Yorkshire accent.Terrence: I just... Come on, my British brothers and sisters, back me up on this, that is fookin' hilarius.
- When discussing the film's positives, Terrence can't help but comment on a particular piece of eye candy:Terrence: Gosh darn, You-Know-Who has got some smolder! I am so scaroused right now.
- The whole opening, where the Dom finds a bottle of Terrence's booze lying around, ignores Terrence's note to leave it alone and takes a swig, collapses in pain, and gets back up in the body of an American woman.
- The subsequent phone call with Terrence:
- Then it turns out Terrence had intended to Polyjuice the Dom into Cate Blanchett.Terrence: (awkwardly examining a box labeled "hair samples") I, uh, really need to label these better.
- "As you can see, I'm slightly out of my comfort...body..."
- Snarking about "the most PC non-sexual sex scene in the history of uptight British cinema."
- Jesus on TV shilling an electric floor-scrubber.
- The Dom occasionally dropping some British slang in his new American accent.
- Wishing that the film had included Faber being a voice in Montag's ear when he was doing something stupid.Faber: Montag! Montag! Stop it, you little dumbass, you're making a right tit out of yourself!
- Before getting to his final thoughts, the Dom is distracted by his new boobs.The Dom: These are so distracting...how do women get anything done?...
Game of Thrones S1 E7
- The Dom lamenting his decision to cosplay for these Game of Thrones reviews, as he has since moved to California and is subsequently boiling in his black Night's Watchman costume.
Fahrenheit 451 (2018) - The Dom Reviews
- "You know, it really is interesting when things come full circle like this. Equilibrium was basically Fahrenheit 451 if it were an action movie, and now Fahrenheit 451 is basically Equilibrium...if it was really, really boring."
- "Yeah. Emoji are villainized in this. This should tell you a lot about what you need to know about this film."
- "Yeah, apparently these guys have figured out how to shrink all of humanity's knowledge down into a single particle of DNA, but just cannot figure out how to handle a GPS locator."
- "Montag sneaks into the building to find all the book-memorizers dead, but the bird still alive, because, as you all know, starlings are more resistant to smoke inhalation."
- The Dom's first point after the plot synopsis: "WHERE ARE MY MOTHERFUCKING MECHANICAL HOUNDS, YOU WANKERS?!"
- "The only way to stop the internet is to flamethrower people's routers and keyboards, because that's how them pesky computer-things work, right? I-i-if I smash the keyboard I delete the facebook!"
- The Dom positing the theory that having Michael B. Jordan on fire at some point in your film is a sign that it's going to bomb.
- The Dom freaking out over the film's use of Claymation.
- "Oh yes, I totally believe this is a real thing. I am looking at a graveyard that's definitely not a painting. Oh, the eighties. Yeah I know it was technically the nineties, but it still counts."
- "I think the makers of this film forgot that being R-rated meant they could show boobs, because there's no boobs until right near the end, then suddenly there's boobs for little to no reason."
- "Speaking of boobs, I think this film overestimated how sexy we would find a half-girl/half-porcupine, but I don't know, the internet's here now, so there's undoubtedly someone fapping to this out there somewhere."
- Said boobs' accompanying Censor Box reads: "No thank you," "Seriously, stop," and "Plz, no more."
- The Dom's skeptical acceptance of the film's pronunciation of "Baphomet".
- Comparing one of the film's monsters to "the fucking moon from the McDonald's commercial."
- The voice the Dom uses for the studio interference. "No, no, no, you need to end on a big old battle with one-liners and shit, not a one-sided slaughter that makes people feel bad!"
- "The film left out what was probably the single WEIRDEST FUCKING THING from the book. Actually, scratch that, it's the weirdest fucking thing in ANY book." Then there's the subsequent Hurricane of Euphemisms after the Dom describes the thing.The Dom: You really have to wonder about Clive Barker. I mean...when he sees a drawing of Cthulhu, do you think his first thought is, "Aaaww, yeah, I'd love to blow my load all over those tentacles..."
- The return of "HEDGES ARE NOT SCARY!"The Dom: ...which, admittedly, isn't all that relevant, I just wanted to work it in here somewhere.
- "In the absence of a multi-story-encompassing quest with actual stakes, the kids now partake in... what is probably best described as shenanigans. Some of which could be described as significantly wacky."
- "Good lord, if this is him before puberty, he's gonna sound like Darth Vader by the time he's twenty!"
The Dom Reviews YOU, Episode Two
- During the Dom's opening spiel on his lack of credentials (where, as usual, he is filming himself from the waist up):The Dom: I'm just a guy who complains about adaptations on YouTube, and, more often than not, doesn't even bother putting on pants when I film. [awkwardly looks down]
- "This film actually looks really good... for a college project, which is to say it actually looks terrible, but it's leagues better than the garbage I was making back at uni, and before you ask, ABSOLUTELY NOT, you will never find this stuff online."
- Praising an author for writing a friendly talking bush character, as it shows acceptance of the fact that HEDGES ARE NOT SCARY.
- The Running Gag of the Dom having mini-freakouts over the implications of a world where farm animals of human-level intelligence are still used for food, before being cut off by a "TAKING A CHILDREN'S BOOK TOO SERIOUSLY" warning.The Dom: Holy moly this is some Animal Farm-level stuff, EVERY HUMAN IN THIS WORLD IS COMPLICIT IN GENOCIDE!!
- "The single most plot-relevant addition to the movie is probably Grumpy Hugo Weaving Dog... who you can call 'Rex', but why would you when you can call him Grumpy Hugo Weaving Dog." This is followed by a quick dubbed clip in which Rex ominously discusses the threat of Mordor with the farm.
- The opening, where Calluna, in the vein of the other Hobbit reviews, sneaks closer and closer to the Dom as he sits calmly reading a book, an evil glint in her eye and ominous music playing. Just as she is about to pounce...The Dom: [not even looking up] Calluna. We live together now. You don't have to force me to do crossovers.
Calluna: [pouts] Awww.
- "Did Peter Jackson manage to pull off a last-minute save and make an adaptation loyal to the plot and tone of the book these films are based on no, no he didn't, I'm sorry, I can't even pretend, this was a hot mess."
- Regarding Legolas's running across falling stones in midair:
- How the stuff with Bard and the Master of Laketown went down in the book.Master: Um, hi, I was elected. A dragon doesn't automatically equal a monarchy, plus, it wasn't my fault those bloody dwarves caused all this mess!
Bard: Oh, give over. They're almost certainly dragon poop by now.
Master: Shut up, Bard! If you want to be royalty so bad, why don't you go back to Dale, where your granddaddy actually was Lord!
Bard: Oh, you'd like that, wouldn't you. Me going off to the great city we used to live in, that's now... no longer under threat of dragon attack, and... right next to a now-undefended, unfathomable amount of treasure. [beat] Actually, you know what, now is no time to be bickering about who's in charge. I should go... make sure the lake is still there. Bye!
Master: Haw-haw! Good job, Master, you've mastered things again.
- The reenactment of the book's description of the titular battle.Thranduil: The goblin armies of the mountains are upon us. We must all join forces to stand against them!
[a rock flies in out of nowhere and clocks Bilbo in the head]
[fade out to later, at dusk, Bilbo regains consciousness]
Bard: Oh hey, hobbit guy! You're alive! Well, good news is, we won; bad news is, you'd better come quick, Oakenshield is dying.
Bilbo: Oh. Well that sucks.
- "Fire ARROWS over the shield wall you numpties!"
- "Sooo... An hour and ten minutes in, this film suddenly becomes Dune."
- Playing some Pirates of the Caribbean music over one particular action sequence. "Tell me you don't see it."
- Calluna's intense, step-by-step description of what Legolas got up to during the battle.
- "Next up, Tauriel, because she's worth it. Oh, come on, we were bound to make that joke eventually."
- "After the smoke clears, Fili confesses his love for her, just before Legolas turns up, and OH MY GOODNESS they are literally forming a triangle, fuck off with this shit!"
- Tauriel's infamous "Egad, all this real love hurts so much!" scene.
- "Yeah, no need to worry, Saruman the White is on the case! He might even use the Palantir to figure out all Sauron's weaknesses so he can really mess him up! Yaaaaay!"
- The texting conversation between Thorin and Dáin.Thorin: Bring the Twirly Whirlys.
- Immediately following the final thoughts, Terrence Apparates in, with a disgruntled expression and chugging a bottle of alcohol.Calluna: Terrence? Are... you okay?
Terrence: [slurring his words] Shut up! Stop telling lies, I broke up with Thranduil, not the other way around... and I don't even care, because his hair wasn't even that perfect, I'm... just gonna take a little magical nap now. [passes out]
- The Dom then asks Calluna if they should do anything about this situation. Calluna replies that they can save it for the Extended Edition.
- As the two wrap up:The Dom: Phew! You know, I do love Tolkien's work, but it is exhausting working through all the lore. I'm kind of relieved we're done with Middle-Earth for now.
Calluna: Or ARE we?! [dramatically pulls a sheathed sword from her cloak, holding it out to the Dom as Lord of the Rings music swells...]
The Dom: [pushes the sword down as the music cuts off] Yes.
Calluna: [pouts] Awww.
- As usual, the Hilarious Outtakes.
- "The eyebrow makes my channel, babe."
- Dom and Calluna's cats.Calluna: I come before you, small kitty, to present you the magic sword of destiny you don't give a shit, you just want to play with the cloak...
Dom: You're the true king of Gondor, stop playing around!
Dom: Meanwhile, Sir Terry Pratchettnote bravely sleeps on the cat tower. Ah yes. This one can be the king of Rohan.
Dom: "Meow, meow, we haven't been petted in five minutes! Aaaaauuuuuuugh!"
- "Why are we doing impressions of the cats?" "Because, bloopers?" "We can't make bloopers, that's cheating."
Game of Thrones S1 E8
- "Nakeeeed Hodor!"
- Playing the "naked Hodor" music over shots of a fully-clothed Lord Commander Mormont after mentioning that he had also been naked during one of the adapted scenes.
- The summary of how Joffrey's decision to order Barristan Selmy arrested in the book went down:Janos Slynt: I'll do it, milord, I'll send some of my best gold cloaks to apprehend the old geezer.
TWO HOURS LATER
Janos Slynt: Okay, so...all the men I sent are dead, apparently he had a small dagger, and, well... maybe you shouldn't have fired him after all, he's kind of a death machine.
- When discussing how he loved the film when he first saw it, he states that the rest of the world seemed to have a "disconsenting" opinion. Cue a footnote popping up:* Dissenting. I don't think what I said is even a word.
- "I did some math to determine exactly how much runtime was allotted to each book, not counting the end credits and whatnot... actually, cards on the table, I outsourced most of the math to my girlfriend, because I suck at it, but you get the idea."
- "Yeah. This is the guy I related to, I'm... so, so sorry, everyone who knew me in my twenties."
- The Dom turns to Luke Spencer for confirmation on how well the film adapted the comic's music. Luke is not pleased.
- The Dom briefly brings up The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy adaptation when making a point, and still can't help but express his feelings on that work.
- "To address some of your comments, yes, 'The Scott Pilgrimage' would have been a better name than 'The Scott Pilgrim-athon'. But, what you have to take into account is... shut up."
Scott Pilgrim and the Infinite Sadness
- Regarding a character revealing that he has telekinetic powers due to being vegan:The Dom: You know, I have to say, this completely destroyed my suspension of disbelief in regards to this film. I mean... a vegan who doesn't bring up the fact that he is vegan in conversation until it becomes relevant to do so? Ludicrous!
Scott Pilgrim Gets It Together
- The Dom's experience of Canadian summer.
- Declaring the most relatable thing in the comic to be its portrayal of "the uniquely tortuous way that the catering industry somehow manages to be both hectic and monotonous at the same time."
Scott Pilgrim Vs The Universe
- "Ah, Coke Zero. All the lack of flavor of a sugar-free drink, while still being filled with enough chemicals to sterilize a homicide crime scene."
Scott Pilgrim: The Final Final Thoughts
- After defeating NegaDom, the Dom briefly wonders if he should be concerned about this representing any repressed memories... then shrugs it off as them likely being Fifty Shades-related.
- "I'm not even entirely convinced the film version of [Ramona] even likes Scott, and... well, okay, yeah, that's fair, why would you, he's a dick."
- At the end of the review, NegaDom comes back, but doesn't really want to fight again.The Dom: ...All right, come on, I'll tell Terrence we have another one.
- Interrupting his opening monologue with an "editor's note" when he remembered something wrong about the 80s BBC adaptation. "I learned a valuable lesson about research this day."
- The Dom literally being hit over the head with C. S. Lewis's religious allegory.
- Pausing in the middle of the plot synopsis to give a Motor Mouth summary of what Turkish Delight is.
- The Dom doesn't really find the "never Christmas" part of the White Witch's curse to be that awful.
- "Partway into their journey to the Stone Table, they meet... um... Father Christmas. As you do."
- Calling Father Christmas "Lord Commander Mormont".
- Regarding Peter's army being on the brink of defeat:
- The blink-and-you'll-miss-it flash of something when the Dom describes Aslan leaving because he's got other places to watch over.
- The Dom's surprise at having to bring back the "Because ''The Lord of the Rings'' Did It" section from the Hobbit reviews.Disney exec: Wait, didn't Tolkien have a BFF who also wrote bestselling fantasy novels?
2nd exec: Yes, but I think they were intended for really young children.
Disney exec: That's not a deal-breaker, what's really important is: did they have huge battles in them?
2nd exec: They did, but... I'm pretty sure they always happened offscreen.
Disney exec: Not anymore. [both grin]
- "You've got to have an opening battle. If you don't have an opening battle... then there's no opening battle."
- Reminiscing on having had to write an essay on Animal Farm back in school:The Dom: ...Almost flunked that class, actually... Well, look at me now, Mr. Keens! Now who's not applying himself, huh?! [beat] ...I don't think he watches Youtube.
Lost In Adaptation Bloopers 2014-2018
- Two particular running themes among the bloopers: Dom being annoyed by people driving outside his apartment...Dom: Take your time. Wouldn't want to drive down this road too fast. Gotta make sure you enjoy the scenery.
Dom: You have a small penis, good sir, and that motorbike proves it.
Dom: Why do all American engines have to be so loud?
Dom: Is everyone driving a fucking tractor?!
Dom: There is literally a marching band going past my apartment complex. I'm pretty sure this is divine intervention at this point telling me this isn't a day to film on.
- ...and getting distracted by his cats.Dom: You're killing me, Whisp. I need to do this job so I can buy you tuna.
- And sometimes it's his cockatiel:Dom: Petrie, you SNEEZED all over my performance. Bless you, but I will never forgive you.
- ...including, one time, after Dom has moved to America.Dom: That is so weird, I could've sworn I just heard Petrie chirping, and he's back in England.
- ...including, one time, after Dom has moved to America.
- Dom getting into character as Harrison Ford.
- "Fat Grandma is weeb trash."
- Dom-as-Terrence drops to his knees for a greenscreen effect... then moans that he's old and that really hurt.
- "Okay, it's the next day. I'm feeling much better now, and there's lots of COFFEE IN MY VEINS! Ha-hah!"
- Dom and Erika Haynes discussing the lack of pockets in women's pants.Erika: Women don't deserve pockets, that's just how it works!
Dom: I understand. You might get ideas if you have pockets.
- "Terrence is dieting, 'cuz Terrence got all fat when he came to America."
- "Broke my finger, making a hand gesture, I'm tho weak and fra-gile and brit-tle."
- The Cold Open:Raphael: Cricket? Nobody understands cricket! You gotta know what a crumpet is to understand cricket!
The Dom: [unimpressed stare; raises eyebrow]
- Positing that the common children's cartoon trope of heroes casually destroying robots would be the cause of any potential future Detroit: Become Human-esque situation.
- Commenting on the surprising darkness of Casey Jones crushing Shredder's body in a garbage truck to make sure he's dead.
- "Oh, yeah. A woman at least ten years older than me and a completely different and almost certainly incompatible species. That is so my type."
- The Dom trying to picture any of the Turtles' future iterations offering Shredder the option of honorable suicide as in the original comic:Raphael: Woah, Shredder dude, you gotta, like, disembowel yourself to save your honor! It's like, totally radical!
The Putting off Reviewing Fifty Shades Freed Patreon Q&A
- "How much of a Patreon pledge do I have to make a month in order for you to LEAVE ME ALONE?!"
- "If you could keep any animal, real or imagined, that you wanted what would it be?"Dom: Okay, well who could possibly think of anything other than a sapient dragon, that you can communicate with psychically and ride around on, when asked that question? Come on.
- Terrence reflecting on the privacy-invading implications of him reading the Harry Potter novels.
- The Dom's thoughts on his ever-growing number of roommates.The Dom: The Nega-Dom doesn't speak...so, he just sort of sits in the corner, glaring at people... The two future versions of me tend to keep to themselves as well, quite a lot, they're just off sort of trying to plan for the future when it eventually arrives and making doomsday predictions...that's always a fun evening... Terrence, of course, is a massive pain in the ass, you have no idea how long he spends in the bathroom every day, he's...he's basically like Howl from Howl's Moving Castle, but...even more douchey.
- Dom expressing appreciation for his "kitty support" making his reading of Fifty Shades Freed much more bearable - with the caveat that in a few weeks he expects to go back to being aggravated at fifty interruptions per episode.
- If a more book-accurate adaptation of Who Censored Roger Rabbit? was made, Dom would sit at the front of the theater and face the audience instead of the screen, just to see everyone's reaction.
- "If you would be so kind as to pretend that, between every sentence here, I'm stopping to say, 'And then they have sex and Ana really enjoys it, because she orgasms at the slightest touch from her husband, or a...light gust of wind.'"
- "I allowed myself a few blissful moments of imagining Ana taking [Grey] for everything he has, and leaving him alone and broken like he deserves to be for his multiple acts of abuse, but...alas, E.L. James would never be so kind."
- The Dom ranting about the book's use of the Enhance Button.The Dom: "Enhance the image, tech guy!" because that's how cameras have ever worked. There's a secret supply of reserve pixels that usually aren't in use but can be unlocked when someone really wants to see something.
- The skit summarizing the infamous scene where Grey berates Ana for using her maiden name at work...then tries to get in a quickie with her while he's there.
- The Dom still just referring to Grey's ex as variants of "crazy ex-sub girl," on the grounds of there being nothing more to her character to make it worth the effort of remembering her name.
- "They go out for a few drinks, and talk about how lucky they are to be with their respective super-awesome-perfect dream-men...unironically."
- "Take a wild guess how this conversation turns out. If you said anything other than 'Ana admits full fault then Grey fucks her,' I am deeply worried for your reasoning ability."
- During the Dom's mid-video advertisement for Audible, one of his selling points is "there are so many books you can download that aren't this one!" He gets teary with joy just saying it.
- The Dom's impression of Grey's denial of his mommy issues, giving him the tone of a petulant child.Grey: No! My past is completely behind me! My mummy means nothing to me! Now have sex with me, person who looks just like her.
- "Because, you know, he had a hard childhood."
- The Dom's voice when describing Hyde's ransom demand of "five MILLION dollars!"
- Ana's work acquaintance who turns out to be working with Hyde strikes no recollection for the Dom.The Dom: ...Okay, this person's evil I guess. How could you...This Person, Ana trusted you, maybe.
- At the end of the plot synopsis video, the Dom gets a surprise text.The Dom: (checks phone) SHE WROTE ANOTHER BOOK?!
- The Dom's anger regarding the book's incessant "fucking murmuring."The Dom: Learn more words, James, for god's sake!
- Being fully convinced that Ana has gotten to the point where she is actually experiencing full-on hallucinations of her "subconscious" performing the actions she describes.
- "...Oh hey. First one of these of the episode."
- The skit about the pointless cheating fake-out.Ana: Are you cheating on Kate?
- The Dom isn't buying James's attempts to paint Ana as becoming a strong independent woman.Ana: Alright, after just a few weeks of marriage, I've become a super-assertive badass who takes no crap from anyone, thus proving my relationship is a positive influence on my life! Dream husband, I'll see you after drinks with Kate!
Grey: No. I don't want you going out tonight. Drink at home.
Ana: Okay! I guess we're staying in tonight.
Kate: No. I booked us a table. Come on.
Ana: Okay! (cheerfully follows Kate)
- "Always better to start at the beginning...unless we're talking about reading these books, in which case it's much better to start at the...never."
- "[Ana] said she didn't want to [be a CEO], not that she doubts her abilities! ...That said, I mean, I doubt her abilities; I'm not trying to be mean, but she has zero experience, and she has the backbone of a jellyfish, and not even the stinging type, the type that just floats around in the sea until they're eaten by something."
- Stating that flat-Earthers would be skeptical of the book's attempts to claim that Ana's promotion was based on merit and not her husband buying the company.
- The Dom's thoughts on Ana and Grey's between-fights flirting.The Dom: Anakin and Padme Skywalker would groan at the sound of it. High school sweethearts who are convinced at age fifteen that they're going to marry because no one has known true love like they do would tell these two to grow the fuck up.
- Listing out Christian Grey's supposed "layers beneath his pretty face."
- Taking issue with Ana's "you can only be truly mad at someone you really love" statement.
- "So in addition to realizing that flashbacks are a thing, it appears that James has also finally discovered, just in time for this last book in the trilogy, that stories do not have to encompass every second of every minute of every hour of every day of their duration."The Dom: It's not much, but it is nice not having to listen to exactly what Ana has for breakfast every day, or when Grey brushes his teeth...no wait, she does include those things, ah, shite.
Ana: Holy cow, I'm really looking forward to the sex we're about to have!
- Of course, James's grasp of the time jump still leaves a little to be desired:
Ana: That sure was some good sex that we had that I'm referring to in the past tense because it's later now!
- The Dom had a brief world-crumbling moment when he got to the part of the book where Grey claims to be pro-gun control "because it meant that he and I agreed on something, and I can't accept that that would ever happen!" but quickly picked up on Grey's blatant hypocrisy on the matter and felt much better.
- The Dom happily headcanoning an ending where Grey is arrested for obstruction of justice.
- Reagarding James's portrayal of Grey's mental illness:The Dom: If everyone on the planet gave her the middle finger, that would still be less than the ideal amount of middle fingers pointing at her.
- "I cannot accurately describe the feeling of utter despair I experienced when the climax ended, and I realized how much of the book was still to go. There may have been tears."
- "Grey thinks that Ana is a 'force of nature' because she occasionally whines passive-aggressively before conceding to his every demand. A real feminist, a woman who does not only not take his shit but is willing to give some back to him for being so shitty, would just blow his mind. I mean literally, his head would explode from all the information he couldn't comprehend."
- "Ana's plan for dealing with the kidnapping is...stupid bad stupid."
- The "finger dance" following the Dom angrily summarizing Ana and Grey's relationship and how James portrays it.
"Some people were asking if they could appropriate the finger dance for their own projects. The answer is yes, just don't use it for evil ok?"
- He also released a full version later titled, "The f**k you Fifty Shades dance".
- Right out of the gate in the Lost in Adaptation video, the film's scene of Ana telling Grey that he is a "man of honor" who "treats people well" results in the Dom letting out a furious scream so powerful it spreads out into space and batters the Starship Excelsior.The Dom: Whew! I needed that.
- The usual survey of who read the book versus saw the film includes categories for "Cursed with both," and "Blessedly free of either foul experience." (The vast majority of those surveyed fell into the latter category.)
- The fact that the screenplays for both Freed and Darker were written by E.L. James's husband was not brought up in the latter video "because...I'm bad at my job."
- "Just like its predecessors, Freed has one card to play to counter the utter lack of chemistry between the leads, the absence of passion in the sex scenes, and the absolute joylessness of almost every scene, and it plays it for all it's worth: utilizing pop song after pop song after pop song to drown out the awkwardness."
- "A car...for want of a more boring word, 'chase'..."
- Pointing out how book-accurate Grey's low sex-endurance is.The Dom: James thinks that sex should always be done in less time than a microwave pizza.
- Deciding that "plot hole" is too strong a term for certain things carried over from the book, replacing it with "the stupid shit that made no sense."
- "The perplexing and unnecessary mishandling of non-chronological storytelling in the beginning of the book that I complained about, is fixed by them...not doing that."
- The Dom's shock that James let the filmmakers get away with replacing most of Ana and Grey's fighting during their honeymoon with them...having fun together.
- On a presumably unintentional note, Dom not noticing when he says the word "synonymous" as "synomynous."
- The screen-shaking crash when the film sneaks in an actual funny joke.
- "This movie once again highlights that even BASIC COMPETENCE is leagues above what James is capable of."
- The Dom imagining an awkward writers' meeting where someone nervously suggested to James's husband, "If we're going to include all of Erika's payoffs, perhaps we should add in some...y'know...set-up, as well?"
- Suggesting that the filmmakers were able get their portrayal of Grey as a better person (not good, just better than his book counterpart) past James in part by passing off the cutting of scenes with his horrible behavior as their hands just being tied due to the movie format.
- Regardless of the improvements made to Grey's character in the film, the Dom would still like to run him over with a combine harvester - he'd just be more inclined to do it quickly if it were the film version.
- The bloopers for the book review.
- "Calluna's Gargoyles DVD just threw itself off the bookshelf. It's like 'I can't take hearing about Fifty Shades of Grey anymore, the eeeeend!'"
- "Damn kids and your skateboards. I say that unironically."
- Script falls down
- "I can't say the word anonymity to save my life. Worst part is I actually meant AUTONOMY..."
The Company of Death
- "Because I'm not at all jealous about Elisa being multitalented enough to be a successful youtuber AND a published author..."
- "I'm also, apparently, a big fan of women who can pop lasers out of their arms and blow shit up. I didn't know that was a kink of mine, but I'm always open to new things."
- "If you're already familiar with [the book's plot], and for some bizarre reason don't want to listen to the sultry tones of my voice as much as possible, here's the point to skip to."
- Admitting that he had to stop reading for a moment when the curate character was introduced to go look up what a "curate" was.
- "I just don't get why the aliens would want to keep human clothing intact. Is their plan to put our defeated trousers on their heads as they perform their victory parade?"
- "The protagonist, played by Tom Cruise, is called 'Ray'...though that's probably a bad example because in my experience, when Tom Cruise plays a character in a movie most people will forget his name and just say, 'Oh yeah, Tom Cruise's character.'"
- The usual "please like, share, and subscribe" request at the video's end being done in the style of the first paragraph of the book.The Dom: Thank you for joining me, my beautiful watchers, and please remember that no one would have believed that, in the first years of the twenty-first century, that this world was being watched keenly and closely, by programmed algorithms, powerful yet really bloody stupid.
- The continuing saga of Dom's loud neighbors and interrupting cats.
Game of Thrones S1 E9
- "Okay, so. Shae. Shhhhhae. Shae, Shae, Shae..."
- The Dom mumbling awkwardly as the scenes quickly flash-forward through Shae's story before deciding that nope, he's going to save tackling that can of worms for its own video.
- The complete breakdown when the Dom gets to Eddard's execution.The Dom: (miserable wailing) NO! NO! NonoNO, it's STILL NOT OKAY!
- He's still sniffling when he continues on with the "Changed" section.
- The Dom's belated realization that he's been pretty approving of Catelyn Stark's actions this episode, even as he kept up his usual uncomplimentary appellation for her.
- Dom opening the video with a reenactment of the iconic "Leonardo Dicaprio raising a champaign glass as fireworks go off in the background" shot from the film.Dom: Sorry, there wasn't really a purpose to that, I've just, uh, always wanted to try it.
- At the end, he raises the glass again in farewell, and is surprised when the fireworks and music start up again, then go away when he lowers it. He repeats the act a few times to test out this phenomenon, then shrugs and leans down to slurp from the glass.
- Replacing his usual "Hello, my beautiful watchers" with "Hello, old sports."Dom: Uh, that's a thing from the book, I'm not suddenly playing up to British stereotypes...
- Even after finally laying the Fifty Shades reviews to rest, they have still left their mark, putting a damper on Dom's enjoyment of some scenes in the Gatsby film due to the use of contemporary pop songs in the soundtrack.
- Describing the first interaction between Tom and Gatsby as the two men "verbally [measuring] dicks."
- As book!Nick has a crisis realizing he's no longer in his twenties:Dom: (sigh) Big mood...
Game of Thrones S1 E10
- The reaction to Sansa's sassy response to Joffrey's threats.
- When Renly jumps the gun on declaring himself king:Dom: (falsetto) He's not the king, he's a very naughty boy!
- "The Greatjon Umber suggests forming their OWN kingdom with blackjack, and hookers!"
- The smiley-face emoji popping up over Drogo's face when Dom mentions Dany trying to snap him out of his coma via blowjob.
- "Despite the show later claiming that Mirri Maz Duur told Dany that she would be unable to bear children ever again...they did not in fact include that part of her prophecy. A-whoopsie-doodle..."
- Dany's bodyguards' initial response to her declaring them her bloodriders.
- Dom being glad that Dany's hair somehow surviving the flames in the show means he can go out on "GAME OF THRONES HATES BALDNESS."
- Dom not even TRYING to pronounce the name of the film's director, or to match his mouth movements to the pronunciation program he dubs in to say it for him.
- "After a gunfight, and a car chase that defies all the laws of physics...and I do mean all of them, even the ones we've not discovered yet..."
- The LONG beat when Dom gets to the reveal of how the assassins' targets are chosen.
- Naturally, Chris Pratt being in the film results in some references.
- "It's a bit worrying when 'lots of adrenaline equals the power to leap between buildings, curve bullets, and have an indestructible face' is the least questionable thing in your movie."
- "During the exhaustive research I did for this episode...aaand by that I mean I asked Linkara "
- "Minority Report hit theatres in 2002 to a resounding cry of..."Movie-goer #1: Well that was...pretty good.
Movie-goer #2: Yeah, pretty good... You, uh, wanna grab dinner?
Movie-goer #1: Sure, I could eat.
- When discussing the changes in the pre-crime system in the film:Dom: Only murders are predicted, because (mumbling) plot convenience (mumbling).
- Later, regarding the "murder echo" phenomenon:Dom: Witwer asks why the precogs are predicting the crime again after it was prevented, and is told that because (mumbling) science (mumbling) plot convenience...
- "They also pretty firmly established that precogs can only see murder happening, because (mumbling) metaphysics (mumbling)..."
- Later, regarding the "murder echo" phenomenon:
- "Is there an opposite for 'having his cake and eating it'? Uh... 'Vomiting on his cake, and also the cake is made of BEEEES!'"
- When discussing author John W. Campbell's credentials:Dom: He was also super racist, writing multiple essays about how awesome segregation is when you really think about it, so, uh...there's that.
- "No one talks naturally in this book, unless these arctic researchers also happen to all minor in poetry, I suppose..."
- Dom has never actually seen the film before the review due to not being a huge fan of the horror genre, but he's sure he can handle it...Dom: ...Nope! Nope nope nope nope nope nope nope nope nope nope nope nope nope...
- He ends up calling his friend That Movie Chick for help. She immediately knows what he's calling about.
- "You know, you really need to learn to watch grown-up movies on your own."
- She agrees to stick around for the review because, "Someone's got to keep you from hiding underneath your desk."
- That Movie Chick looking around at Dom's usual greenscreened background and wondering where exactly they are filming this review.
- That Movie Chick theorizes that the research station in the film was stocked with so many firearms because they were worried about wampas.
- "Well done, chaps. You found a ship that had survived for twenty-million years and could have advanced human technology by millennia, and you blew it up in less than a day. This is why we can't have nice things."
- At the end, That Movie Chick telling Dom that she's proud of him for getting through this, and wants to treat him to a showing of The Fly (1986). Dom walks off shaking his head with a litany of "Nope" as she tries to sell him on it.Chick: The author's not racist! He's a Nazi-killing spy!
- "Bonjour mes beaux observateurs, and that is my knowledge of French thoroughly exhausted."
- After Dom makes his preemptive apology for his likely mispronunciation of French names, the screen freezes and "Dom from the editing room" walks in to give a second preemptive apology, this time for having over-corrected in his attempts to get the pronunciation of D'Artagnan right throughout the episode.
- The dramatic camera zoom-in on Dom's face as he drops the "shocking revelation" that The Three Musketeers is a true story...then he admits that it would be more accurate to say it's a fictional retelling of a true story...then concedes that it's more like a fictional retelling of a story that was based on a true story...then says that even that's a stretch, and after a detailed explanation finally sums up the book as "a mostly-fictional story, based on a semi-fictional story, based on some potentially-true but probably-exaggerated stories about a real-life person."Dom: Which, if you think about it, means that all of the films I'm going to talk about in the next episode are adaptations of a mostly-fictional story based on a semi-fictional story based on some potentially-true but probably-exaggerated stories about a real-life person.
- "Now that we've established that in a clear and simple manner, please allow me to recount the plot of this game-of-telephone account of history."
- A lot of his unimpressed descriptions of D'Artagnan's...questionable actions.Dom: Upon learning [that Constance has been given over to the scarred man], D'Artagnan bravely leaves Paris and goes to find his missing friends.
Dom: In what is apparently standard D'Artagnan courtship, he stalks her across the city for a while...
Dom: D'Artagnan agrees that [no longer seeing Milady de Winter] is a good idea, then immediately does the opposite, forging another letter from Des Wardes throwing all sorts of shade on Milady, and informing her the seventeenth-century French equivalent of "he got hoes in different area codes," so she's going to have to wait in line.
- "The next small section of the book is wrapped up in the four men's financial troubles, which was...surprising to read in a book famous for being the ultimate swashbuckling tale of daring exploits."
- Describing Alexandre Dumas as "one of those authors who will never use one word when he can use forty-seven."
- "D'Artagnan is...the worst. He's just...awful. He's...bad awful. I mean he's, he's a dickhead. He's the biggest dickhead who ever dickheaded."
- "Milady, on the other hand, is treated as the true villain of the story, because she seduces and murders people...but, you know, she does it sneakily, so that makes it bad, unlike when the Musketeers do exactly the same thing, 'cause th-that's good. It's good when they do it."