- Two words: Camel. Holocaust.
- The scene in Las Vegas where John beats the crap out of the wig monsters while making chair puns.
- John trying to lure out a monster. "I'm going to go stand naked in the shower."
- After the Las Vegas incident, Marconi offers John and Dave a copy of his book. Dave declines. John grabs a dolly and takes a hundred and fifty copies.
- "Good-bye, Molly. Of all the dogs I've known in my life, I've never seen a better driver."
- "...Had a gorilla riding a giant crab not leapt out of the woods and eaten two of them. You heard me."
- Big Jim's novel, a horrific Edgar Rice Burroughs knockoff with shades of The Eye of Argon.
- "We need you to shit the bomb, Molly. Shit it! Shit the bomb!"
- The entire basketball scene, where Dave and John are playing basketball until the ball falls into a portal to an alternate post-apocalyptic dimension. They then follow after it and continue the game even while being pestered by Crazy Homeless People, flying baboons with clubs and robots, and when members of La Résistance appear and try to recruit them to save they world they just leave to continue the game back in their universe. Then four random kids wander into the portal and save the world themselves.
- This exchange.John: (Talking to Dave over a bratwurst) I need you to get a taxiDave: I can't. I had five dollars, and spent three of them on the bratwurst.John: The Bratwurst cost three dollars? Holy crap. Okay, look under the Bratwurst, you should find a hundred dollar bill.Dave: (Checks) Nope, nothing.John: Oh, guess I can't do that then. Got your ATM card?
- Dave talking about how random songs have their lyrics replaced, such as a version of "Stairway To Heaven" that lists every reason he's destined for Hell, but can't rhyme for shit.
- John dick-whipped a guy. Maybe. Dave doesn't know if that means he whipped him in the dick or if he whipped him with his dick. Either way, Dave didn't want to know for sure.
- Every time Shitload fights someone, he hits them in the balls, with every single punch.
- In a very politically incorrect way, the shadow person's possessed sports broadcast.
- When John gets ready to open up a can of whoopass, he announces that he's serving up Kung Fu Chicken, and it's ALL YOU CAN EAT.
- "Ma'am, if your dog was dabbling in the occult while you had her it's best you tell us now. We're experts."
Funny / John Dies at the End