- How To Deal With Trick-or-Treaters: "There's no such thing as enough Mr. Pibb!"
- How To Fake a Smile: "Your hide will make a fine poncho!"
- How To Make A Decision: "That's why I suggest you split the difference by doing the right thing in the most evil manner possible."
- How To Avenge Your Brother's Murder: "arrange the scene so that he dies in your arms and you are smeared in his blood, for dramatic effect."
- How to Explain Your Tastes:Scott: Dr Pepper has NEVER contained prunes. If it did, it would say "made with real fruit" on the label.
- How to Greet People:"My pet ferret had a stroke."Yeah, him, too."
- "It's like aloha, only violent!"
- How to Give Directions: "There's only one KFC on 3rd. If you see a different KFC, you're on the wrong street."
- How to Face Your Fears: Scott's expression in he third panel. That is all.
Scott: IT'S TASTING MY FEAR!Scott's Wife: Well I'm having fun.Scott: YOU'RE ENJOYING MY FEAR!Scott's Wife: True.
- And revisited in How to Overcome Your Fear.
- How To Look beyond the Obvious may be the greatest pun in history.
- Bag wag sing.
- "How to deal with emotions. Panel three particularly.Rick: I looked frantically for a place to pull over before I got to the freeway. I didn't want the frog on my windshield to get hurt.
Scott: It sounds like it really freaked you out.
Rick: So much so that I forgot the intermittent wipers were on.
- How to Avoid Making Harmful Assumptions: in which Scott demonstrates his ability to say the wrong thing.
- The final step in How to Not Change People's Minds:Instead of shrill fighting, I prefer logical discussion, which also does not work.
Funny / Basic Instructions