- This exchange:"Why can't I just have a normal boyfriend?!""Everyone wants that, dear. It doesn't exist."
- "How do you write women so well?" "I think of a man. And I take away reason and accountability."
- Made twice as funny when you take into account that this was an actual reply from John Updike when he was asked the same question.
- Simon's dead-on Jack Nicholson impression.
- Melvin stealing Frank's Scary Black Man routine when dealing with a cop. While Frank is less than twenty feet up the hallway, and grinning as he watches.
- Spencer gives the doctor who visits glowing praise. "I'm an expert on doctors!"
- "You are not still writing that thank you letter!" "I'm on the last page!"
- Melvin introducing Carol to Simon: "Carol the waitress, Simon the fag." Not to mention Carol and Simon both taking it in stride.
- This exchange, when Carol, Melvin, and Simon have pulled over after Simon tells Carol about his Dark and Troubled Past, to Melvin's annoyance:Carol: We all have these terrible stories to get over, and you-
Melvin: That's not true. Some of us have great stories, pretty stories, that take place at lakes, with boats and friends and noodle salad, just no one in this car.
Funny / As Good as It Gets