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Black Comedy / Jokes

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  • A joke that originated at CTY in 2013 (delivery must be in a monotone for the desired effect):
    "A man walks into a bar. He is impaled by the bar. People call for a medic, but he is already dead. The End."
  • The day after his wife disappeared in a boating accident, an Ocean City man answered his door to find two grim-faced Maryland State Troopers. "We're sorry Mr. Rice, but we have some information about your wife," said one trooper. "Tell me! Did you find her?" Rice shouted. The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?" Fearing the worst, an ashen Rice said, "Give me the bad news first." The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in the Assawoman Bay near the Rte 90 Bridge." "Oh my God!" exclaimed Rice. "What's the good news?" The trooper continued. "When we pulled her up she had 12 huge and 6 jumbo size blue crabs on her." Stunned, Mr. Rice demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news?" The trooper said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow!"
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  • David was tasked to collect 100 foreskins from Philistines to prove his worth to marry King Saul's daughter. When he returns with 200 foreskins, everybody sways between admiration and horror. When asked how he did it he answers: "Well it went much more smoothly when I realized that I could kill them beforehand."
  • A woman on an ocean liner asked a crew member, "Do ships like this sink very often?" "No, ma'am," he replied, "Only once."
  • Where do suicide bombers go when they die? everywhere.
  • What was the last thing to go through Kurt Cobain's mind? the roof of his mouth.
  • The new crematorium in down gives discounts to burn victims.
  • What's the hardest part of a vegetable to eat? The wheelchair!
  • Why did Susie fall off the swing? Because she didn't have any arms.
    • Knock knock. Who's there? Not Susie.
  • Black humour isn't everyone's cup of liquidised baby.
  • Q: What is the best way to get 100 dead babies out of a blender?
  • Q: What's worse than a pile of dead babies?
    A: The live one at the bottom of the pile.
    • What’s worse than that? It has to eat its way out. What’s worse than that? It succeeded. What's worse than that? It went back for seconds. What’s worse than that? Justin Bieber, duh.
  • Q: How do you empty a garbage truck full of dead babies?
    A: With a pitchfork!
    • There's another version of that one: What's the difference between a truckload of dead babies and a truckload of bowling balls? You can't unload the bowling balls with a pitchfork.
  • Q: What's worse than five babies in a trashcan?
    A: One baby in five trashcans.
  • Q: What's the difference between one hundred dead babies and a Ferrari?
    A: I don't own a Ferrari.
    • Or, I don't have a Ferrari in my garage.
      • Corollary: And if I did, I wouldn't wank over it every day.
  • Q: What's pink and orange and floats on the bottom of a pool?
    A: A baby with its floaties slashed.
    • Q: What's pink, red, and orange and floats on the top of a pool?
    A: Floaties with their baby slashed.
  • Q: What's the difference between a baby and a trampoline?
    A: You take off your boots before jumping on the trampoline.
  • Q: What's the best way for Capcom to greenlight the Megaman Legends 3 project?
    A: Simple. Dress two aborted fetuses as Roll and Megaman Volnutt.
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  • Q: What is the difference between a dead baby and a rock?
    A: The baby can be raped!
  • Q: Why did that kid fall off the swing?
    A: Because he has no arms!
    • Q: And why did nobody help him to get up?
    A: Because he has no friends!
  • Q: Whats red and white and cries?
    A: A skinned Baby with salt.
  • Q: What is brown and knocks on glass?
    A: A Baby in the oven.
  • Q: What is rosy and turns red on the push of a button?
    A: A baby in a mixer.
  • Q: How do you make a baby stop crawling in circles?
    A: You nail the other hand to the floor.
  • Q: How many babies do you need to paint a wall?
    A: Depends on how hard you throw.
    • Alternatively: depends how thin you slice 'em.
  • Q: What's red and pink and sits in the corner?
    A: a baby eating razor blades.
  • Two people are comparing how much their lives suck:
    "My mom gave birth to me and my sister in a university bathroom in her prom dress. My baby sister ended up in the trash can."
    "Well, my mom gave birth to me and my brother in a Medicaid ward. We BOTH ended up in trash cans."
  • Q: How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?
    A: Zero.
  • Q: What do you call a 7 year old with no friends?
    A: A Sandy Hook survivor.
  • Black comedy is like food. Not everyone gets it.

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