History Main / KlatchianCoffee

* Possibly the closest thing to Klatchian coffee isn't actually based on coffee. It's a type of tea, called chifir'. Chifir' is a perennial favourite in Russian prisons, and is made by taking two or three tablespoons of tea per person, pouring it on top of boiling water, and letting it boil for 15 minutes. The prisoners then drink 2 sips of it. Each. Anything more can cause heart attacks.

* {{Garfield}} has been known to drink coffee so strong, [[http://images.ucomics.com/comics/ga/1997/ga970611.gif it can even eat a donut]]... or [[AteTheSpoon the spoon(s) he uses to stir it.]]
** He also likes coffee so thick that after a few seconds of pouring, you can let go of the coffeepot and it won't fall.

** A mild version of this is the Egyptian ''Shay Saidi'' (meaning Saidi Tea[[hottip:* :Saidi=Upper Egyptian]]). It's a 1/3 strength recipe of chifir': you use 2-3 teaspoons of tea instead of 2-3 tablespoons and you pull it off the fire after five minutes rather than 10-15. You also always add lots of sugar (minimum 3 teaspoons for a mug, 1.5 teaspoons for a standard teacup) and sometimes milk, since it's made to be drunk like normal tea. Saidis (fittingly for the rednecks of a country where drinking alcohol is uncommon) usually knock back several cups in a night, and often marvel when a Bohairi (Lower Egyptian) can get through more than one cup without going haywire.

** Then there's [[http://ars.userfriendly.org/cartoons/?id=20030418 "Sid's Insideous Syrup"]].

* This troper still remembers one time that he helped college buddies make a movie, with the generous help of a local nightclub. Coffee was needed, but the nightclub offered only their building-not their bartender or their kitchen. An industrial strength recirculating urn was discovered in a closet, and an arts student was sent to fetch the required consumables. He did, and before long "COFFEE'S ON" resounded through the building. This troper was the first to grab a mason jar, take a sip...and spit. Followed by profuse obscenities, and the demand of "What the hell did you buy?" What did he buy? Well, let's see, the buyer was an artsy type, and so grabbed the most artsy-sounding stuff he could lay his hands on...French Roast. The darkest, most intense roast your average grocery store carries. Which we had loaded, double strength, into a recirculating urn that had been built for light American roasts. We all proceeded to compound the beverage by adding immense amounts of sugar and artificial creamer, resulting in a legendary caffeine and sugar high.
** Sorry but I just have to point out that French Roast is not THAT strong! I drink it every day without any noticeble effect. Without milk or suger, thank you very much. Of course I'm Swedish and therefore have a built up imunity
*** It is if you're not expecting it, and you're drinking it by the quart jar...

* Ironically, consuming too much caffeine makes you sleepy rather than wired.
** Which is probably not surprising, given that caffeine is a barbiturate (a methylxanthine, to be exact). Many drugs have the opposite effect at high doses that they do at low doses (digitalis and ethanol are another two examples), this being the grain of truth on which the pseudoscience of homoeopathy is based.
** Wat? No, consuming too much caffeine will result in shaking, vomiting, and anxiety attacks. It will NOT make you sleepy. I'm pretty certain it's not a barbiturate either.
*** I see what you did there.

* This troper still remembers one time that he helped college buddies make a movie, with the generous help of a local nightclub. Coffee was needed, but the nightclub offered only their building-not their bartender or their kitchen. An industrial strength recirculating urn was discovered in a closet, and an arts student was sent to fetch the required consumables. He did, and before long "COFFEE'S ON" resounded through the building. This troper was the first to grab a mason jar, take a sip...and spit. Followed by profuse obscenities, and the demand of "What the hell did you buy?" What did he buy? Well, let's see, the buyer was an artsy type, and so grabbed the most artsy-sounding stuff he could lay his hands on...French Roast. The darkest, most intense roast your average grocery store carries. Which we had loaded, double strength, into a recirculating urn that had been built for light American roasts. We all proceeded to compound the beverage by adding immense amounts of sugar and artificial creamer, resulting in a legendary caffeine and sugar high.

While a GargleBlaster will get you insanely drunk, Klatchian Coffee has the opposite effect. Rather than slowing down your brain, Klatchian Coffee speeds it up tremendously. In some cases, the results can be NightmareFuel in a cup, or just ''really'' scary to think about. Can generate CaffeineBulletTime. A person who MustHaveCaffeine may drink this on a regular basis, but if someone else tries the brew, its full effects will ensue.

While a GargleBlaster will get you insanely drunk, Klatchian Coffee has the opposite effect. Rather than slowing down your brain, Klatchian Coffee speeds it up tremendously. In some cases, the results can be NightmareFuel in a cup, or just ''really'' scary to think about. Can generate CaffeineBulletTime.

* [[http://www.drinkcocaine.com Cocaine]] energy drink. Three and a half times the strength of Red Bull. Tastes like Gummi Bears and burns when you drink it. Hope you weren't planning on sleeping tonight.

* The closest thing ThisTroper has come across to Klatchian coffee isn't actually based on coffee. It's a type of tea, called chifir'. Chifir' is a perennial favourite in Russian prisons, and is made by taking two or three tablespoons of tea per person, pouring it on top of boiling water, and letting it boil for 15 minutes. The prisoners then drink 2 sips of it. Each. Anything more can cause heart attacks.
** This Troper has literally just made a pot of chifir, brewed as described (loose tea boiled until the grounds sink to the bottom). The taste isn't bitter until you actually go to swallow it, when it's so bitter it dries your mouth out instantly. He has just downed half of his mug full, and so far is actually quite enjoying its taste. Of course, for perspective, he can happily drink a 30oz coffee mug full of straight, uncut espresso, only remarking on it not being as tasty as coffee. For taste, chifir > straight espresso.

-->ThisstuffisinterestingbutIdon'tseewhatthebigdealis.

** A mild version of this is the Egyptian ''Shay Saidi'' (meaning Saidi Tea[[hottip:* :Saidi=Upper Egyptian]]). It's a 1/3 strength recipe of chifir': you use 2-3 teaspoons of tea instead of 2-3 tablespoons and you pull it off the fire after five minutes rather than 10-15. You also always add lots of sugar (minimum 3 teaspoons for a mug, 1.5 teaspoons for a standard teacup) and sometimes milk, since it's made to be drunk like normal tea. Saidis (fittingly for the rednecks of a country where drinking alcohol is uncommon) usually knock back several cups in a night.

** A mild version of this is the Egyptian ''Shay Saidi'' (meaning Saidi Tea[[hottip:* :Saidi=Upper Egyptian]]). It's a 1/3 strength recipe of chifir': you use 2-3 teaspoons of tea instead of 2-3 tablespoons and you pull it off the fire after five minutes rather than 10-15. You also always add lots of sugar (minimum 3 teaspoons for a mug) and sometimes milk, since it's made to be drunk like normal tea. Saidis (fittingly for the rednecks of a country where drinking alcohol is uncommon) usually knock back several cups in a night.

** A mild version of this is the Egyptian ''Shay Saidi'' (meaning Saidi Tea[[hottip:* :Saidi=Upper Egyptian]]). It's the same recipe as chifir', but you pull it off the fire after five minutes rather than 10-15, and you always add lots of sugar (minimum 3 tablespoons for a mug) and sometimes milk. Same effect, but you can drink it in larger quantities without risking a heart attack.

** A mild version of this is the Egyptian ''Shay Saidi'' (Saidi or Upper Egyptian Tea). It's the same recipe as chifir', but you pull it off the fire after five minutes rather than 10-15, and you usually add milk and lots of sugar (minimum 3 tablespoons for a mug). Same effect, but you can drink it in larger quantities without risking a heart attack.

** This Troper has literally just made a pot of chifir, brewed as described(loose tea boiled until the grounds sink to the bottom). The taste isn't bitter unjtil you actually go to swallow it, when it's so bitter it dries your mouth out instantly. He has just downed half of his mug full, and so far is actually quite enjoying it's taste. Of course, for perspective, he can happily drink a 30oz coffee mug full of straight, uncut espresso, only remarking on it not being as tasty as coffee. For taste, chifir > straight espresso.