History Funny / OnceUponATime

* In the Fan Celebration special, the actors are asked what the characters would do if there was no crisis in Storybrooke: Creator/ColinODonoghue speculates that Emma and Hook would, among other things, [[BrickJoke finally watch]] ''Film/BackToTheFuture'' (in "There's No Place Like Home", Hook suffered a case of PopCulturalOsmosisFailure when Emma made reference to Marty [=McFly=]).

** Even funnier when you consider this is Zelena (the green-skinned Wicked Witch) talking about another green item, not to mention that her cursed persona had been living in San Francisco. ''And'' when you think about the show's original premise and [[WhatDoYouMeanItWasntMadeOnDrugs how insane it seemed to many at first (even the creators)]].

%% Image removed via crowner in the Moments Images Cleanup Thread: https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/crowner.php?crowner_id=aob04963

%% Please don't add a new image without discussion in Image Pickin'

** And come Season 6 when we meet Rumple's actual mother - [[spoiler:The Black Fairy]] - she of course could not be more different from Merida.

* It ''seriously'' stops being funny by [[FunnyAneurysmMoment the end of the episode]] [[spoiler:where Regina comes to Archie in tears because she used magic to MercyKill Daniel]] but, at the time, Regina's "[[AddictiveMagic I haven't used magic in two days]]" comment to Archie induced a few giggles because of the delivery of the line and the hilarity of Jiminy Cricket acting as the Evil Queen's shrink.

[[quoteright:350:https://static.tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pub/images/tvmupzb.png]]
[[caption-width-right:350:Regina Mills: Evil Queen, Mayor, Single Mother, and Coupon User.]]

[[caption-width-right:350: Regina Mills: Evil Queen, Mayor, Single Mother, and Coupon User.]]
----

[[caption-width-right:350: Regina Mills: Evil Queen, Mayor, Single Mother, and Coupon User]]

* Anton's older brother says that humans are evil, which is why the giants no longer trade beans with them. Anton then asks "Why do we keep growing them if nobody ever uses them?" Awkward silence ensues.

--->'''Charming:''' Do you remember turning a butcher into a [[BalefulPolymorph pig]]?\\

* Hook trying to have a serious conversation while a ladybug won't leave him alone. [[spoiler:Even funnier when you find out the bug is actually Snow White under BalefulPolymorph.]]

** ... And then the way she questions Greg Mendell screams MostDefinitelyNotAVillain. Basically, her behavior in that scene was how an [[CorruptHick evil sheriff]] from a TownWithADarkSecret would act.

-->'''Colin O'Donoghue''': [[EverybodyMustGetStoned Finest California roll in the fairy tale forest.]]
-->'''Rebecca Mader''': I'll take two.

[[AC: Episode 1 - Pilot]]

* Rumpelstiltskin sees through the ruse to have Snow White and Charming in disguise right away. And giggles about it all the way.

-->'''Grumpy:''' A ''tree?'' [[YouHaveGotToBeKiddingMe Our fate rests on a ''tree'']]?

[[AC: Episode 2 - The Thing You Love Most]]

-->'''Graham''': Ah, so you've decided to stay.\\
'''[[DeadpanSnarker Emma]]''': Observant. Important for a cop.\\
'''Graham''': It's good news for our tourist business, bad for our local signage.\\
'''Emma''': ...\\
'''Graham''': ...It's a joke...[[DontExplainTheJoke because you ran over our sign?]]

--->'''Emma''': Oh, hey there. If you're concerned about the Do-Not-Disturb signs, don't worry, I've left them alone.

** Particularly the little giggle in his voice when he says "Please."

[[AC: Episode 3 - Snow Falls]]

-->'''Snow''': What is that supposed to mean? Are you insulting me?\\
'''[[GentlemanSnarker Charming]]''': Quite right, my apologies. How dare I cast aspersions at the person who ''robbed'' me!

[[AC: Episode 4 - The Price of Gold]]

-->'''Emma''': Thank you, but I have a job.\\
'''Graham''': As a bail bondsperson? There's not much of that going on around here.\\
'''Emma''': I don't see a lot of sheriffing going on here either.\\
'''Graham''': Well, here's your chance to see it up close. ...There's dental.

-->'''Emma''': Oh, that is just not fair.

-->'''Mr. Gold''': ''[jovially]'' Ah, Henry, how are you?\\
'''Henry''': ''[[[DeerInTheHeadlights deer-in-the-headlights look]]]'' ...oooookay.

-->'''Henry''': Do you know who that is?
-->'''Emma''': Of course I do.

[[AC: Episode 5 - That Still Small Voice]]

-->'''Emma''': A tie? You know you don't need to dress a woman as a man to give her authority.\\
'''Graham''': So you think you can get people do what you want in that red coat?\\
'''Emma''': I'm getting you to do what I want right now. ''[crumples and tosses the uniform shirt]''

[[AC: Episode 6 - The Shepherd]]

[[AC: Episode 7 - The Heart is a Lonely Hunter]]

* '''Henry''': (to Graham) "You kissed my MOM?!?"

-->'''Mr. Gold''': Ah, did I forget to shave today?

-->'''The Huntsman''': You have good instincts.\\
'''Snow''': [[PreAssKickingOneLiner And you have too much armor.]] (bitchslaps him)

[[AC: Episode 8 - Desperate Souls]]

-->'''Mary Margaret''': ''[deer-in-the-headlights look]'' I'll let you two talk. ''[scampers out]''

-->'''Emma''': ''[entering Mr. Gold's antique shop]'' Gold? You in here?\\
'''Mr. Gold''': ''[sotto voice]'' [[DeadpanSnarker Well]], it ''is'' my shop.

---> '''Regina:''' Are you ''really'' planning on running against me?!\\

* After Emma rescues Regina from the fire, Sidney comes running up with a camera and takes their photo for the next day's paper. The annoyance on Regina's face is priceless.

[[AC: Episode 9 - True North]]

--> '''Emma''': Henry. What happened?\\
'''Regina''': Miss Swan, must I remind you that genetics mean nothing? You are not his mother and it's all taken care of..\\
'''Emma''': ....I'm here because I'm the [sheriff]. \\
'''Regina''': Oh, that's right. Go on, do your job.

[[AC: Episode 10 - 7:15 AM]]
* Mary Margret's "We're building a volcano" as if it's the most important thing in the world.

* Snow asks Rumpel what he needs with her hair. His response? "What do you need of it now it's been plucked from your head?"

[[AC: Episode 11 - Fruit of the Poisonous Tree]]

** And the {{Adorkable}} awkward laugh that the King gives when he can't think of a first wish. Followed by the Genie groaning as if thinking "Oh, great, one of ''those.''"

[[AC: Episode 12 - Skin Deep]]

--->'''Belle''': Why do you spin so much?\\
'''Rumplestiltskin''': I like the wheel. It helps me forget.\\
'''Belle''': Forget what?\\

'''Rumplestiltskin''': I guess it worked! *giggles*

--->'''Belle''': What did you do!?! Nail them down!?!\\
'''Rumplestiltskin''': ...Yes.

* The florist business named [[Series/GameOfThrones "Game of Thorns]]."

--> '''Rumplestiltskin''': I'm not looking for ''love''. I'm looking for a caretaker, for my rather large... ''estate''.

* When Belle chips the cup, she's immediately apologetic about it. Rumpelstiltskin responds "Well it's just a cup" in his best "Why are you fretting? I have like ten thousand of the things just lying around" voice.
* Regina planting the idea of having Belle kiss Rumpel to remove his powers.
-->'''Regina''': [[SuspiciouslySpecificDenial I would never suggest a young woman to kiss a man who's held her captive]]. [[HardTruthAesop What kind of message is that?]]

[[AC: Episode 13 - What Happened to Frederick]]

-->'''Emma''': I'm not your mom.\\
'''Mary Margaret''': Well, according to Henry, I'm yours.

--->'''August''': I read the plaque.

[[AC: Episode 14 - Dreamy]]

* Nova tells Dreamy how beautiful the fireflies are, strongly hinting that she wants him to come with her. His response? "[[ObliviousToLove Have a good time]]!"

-->'''Emma''': Coal? In Maine? If they were mining for lobster, I'd get it...

-->'''Leroy''': (''stunned'') You don't like ''nuns''? Who doesn't like ''nuns''?

[[AC: Episode 15 - Red-Handed]]

[[AC: Episode 16 - Heart of Darkness]]
* Snow (looking like her old sweet self) is cleaning and humming happily to herself ([[WesternAnimation/SnowWhiteAndTheSevenDwarfs "With a Smile and a Song"]]) and it looks like she's made friends with a bluebird... [[MoodWhiplash then she starts swinging her broom at it.]]

* "I will always find you." ...''Punch.''

-->'''Snow:''' You'd be willing to die for me? \\

-->'''James:''' Name your price. \\

[[AC: Episode 17 - Hat Trick]]

-->'''Jefferson''': I hate Wonderland.

[[AC: Episode 18 - The Stable Boy]]

[[AC: Episode 19 - The Return]]

-->'''Archie''': A son! I didn't know you had a son. Ah, how old is he?\\
'''Gold''': Let's start with something easier.

--->'''Gold''': I think he might still be very angry.\\
'''Archie''': Well, anger between a parent and child is the most natural thing in the world.\\
'''Gold''': I think he might be here to try to kill me.\\
'''Archie''': .......That's...ah. That's...not.

--> '''Rumplestiltskin''': What's to be afraid of?\\
'''Bae''': Dad. There's a stain on your boot.\\
'''Rumplestiltskin''': ''[hastily tries to conceal the obvious blood stain]'' Ah... yes... ''[beat]'' We need to find a new maid.\\
'''Bae''': [[CallingTheOldManOut Oh, gods no!]]\\
'''Rumplestiltskin''': She heard us talking about the knife! she could have told somebody!\\
'''Bae''': [[VillainBall She was mute!]]\\
'''Rumplestiltskin''': Well...Even a mute woman can still draw a picture!

[[AC: Episode 20 - The Stranger]]

[[AC: Episode 21 - An Apple Red as Blood]]

--> '''Regina:''' My tree is dying. Why?\\
'''Gold:''': [[DeadpanSnarker Perhaps it's your fertilizer.]]
* Henry dramatically [[HeroicSuicide bites the cursed apple turnover]]. For a moment, nothing happens and [[DeadpanSnarker Emma]] says "You want some ice cream to go with that?" Sure, things got much ''much'' worse, but for a moment it was pretty funny.

-->'''Regina''': I have to stop you right there. I am not in the mood to clean tongue marks off my mirror.

[[AC: Episode 22 - A Land Without Magic]]

*** Given ''whom'' said dragon actually is, did you think it '''''would?'''''

[[AC: Broken]]

** Dr. Whale is ''[[spoiler: Dr Frankenstein.]]'' Talk about a CrackPairing.

-->'''Grumpy''': Great, let's watch.
** Also [[HilariousInHindsight funny]] that it's Whale leading the angry mob of villagers when in a later episode we find out he's [[spoiler: Dr. Frankenstein]].

[[AC: We Are Both]]

-->'''Red''': Granny, do you really need that?\\
'''Granny''': We've got a lawless town, Ruby, damn right I need it.

--->'''Rumple''': You want power? Destroy your enemies? ''[{{beat}}]'' Destroy your friends?\\
'''Regina''': I don't want to hurt ''anyone!''\\
'''Rumple''': Hard to believe you're from the same family...

[[AC: Lady of the Lake]]

* This is part heartwarming and part hilarious. [[spoiler: On their wedding day, Snow finds out she's not cursed and that she is capable of having children.]]

* [[spoiler: Belle]] goes missing. Gold gets Charming to help find her.

--->'''Gold''': You can smell her?\\
'''Ruby''': ''[DeathGlare]''

[[AC: The Doctor]]

** Rumple's big price for [[spoiler: healing the arm? Getting Whale to admit that he needs magic.]] What are you, six years old?

* It ''seriously'' stops being funny by [[FunnyAneurysmMoment the end of the episode]] [[spoiler: where Regina comes to Archie in tears because she used magic to MercyKill Daniel]] but, at the time, Regina's "[[AddictiveMagic I haven't used magic in two days]]" comment to Archie induced a few giggles because of the delivery of the line and the hilarity of Jiminy Cricket acting as the Evil Queen's shrink.

--> '''Whale''': What the hell was that for?\\

'''Charming''': Snow!\\

'''Charming''': [[HypocriticalHumour Yeah I got it...]] ''[[[MoodWhiplash cheerfully]]]'' So, what do you want?

[[AC: Tallahassee]]

[[AC: Child of the Moon]]

[[AC: Into the Deep]]

* Even though you know they're talking about [[spoiler: putting Charming under a sleeping curse]] , Rumplestiltskin's line to Regina as he hands her [[spoiler: the cursed spindle]] is brilliant:

--->'''Granny''': And it's made without dark magic. Oh, and I charge extra for the pickles.\\
'''Gold''': Of course you do.

[[AC: Queen of Hearts]]

** Also Cora [[spoiler: with her hand stuck in Emma's chest, trying to get her heart out. Cora's WTF? expression is hilarious.]]

[[AC: The Cricket Game]]

-->'''Emma''': I'm...gonna go make some tacos! [turns around quickly]\\

-->'''Ruby''': Emma! Something's wrong!\\
'''Emma''': How do you know that? Never mind, wolf thing.

-->'''Emma''': I cannot tell you the relief of cooking something I didn't have to kill first.\\
'''Granny''': Don't I know it. Meat loaf back home? What a bitch.

[[AC: The Outsider]]

* This troper feels horrible at laughing at it but [[spoiler: Hook randomly getting ran over by a car.]]

-->'''Belle''': How did you...\\
'''Hook''': I know this ship like the back of my... ''[looks at hook]'' Well, you know.

[[AC: In The Name Of The Brother]]

-->'''Hook:''' Well my ribs may be broken, but everything else is still…intact. ''(gives her a suggestive look as she rolls her eyes)''

--> '''Frankenstein:''' Are you a philanthropist?\\

--> '''Rumpelstiltskin:''' What gave it away, my rosy complexion?

-->'''Emma''': We're not talking to him as a group. We're not a group sheriff.\\
'''Snow''': But we've been doing this together.\\
'''Emma''': We're trying to convince this guy that this place is normal. In a normal town, the sheriff goes in and asks him a few questions. She doesn't bring her parents in with her.

-->'''Mary Margaret''': You can't just guess, there are millions of combinations-\\
'''Ruby''': Ten thousand.\\
'''David''': Leroy, can't you, I don't know, hack it?\\
'''Leroy''': You do know computer hacking and pickaxe hacking are different, right?

-->'''Charming''': He's been in a rough place since he brought Regina's fiance back to life.\\
'''Snow''': Daniel?\\
'''Emma''': Brought back to life?\\
'''Charming''': Had his arm ripped off and put back on.\\
'''Leroy''': Cool.
* Gold being quick to spot the benefits of [[spoiler: Belle's amnesia:]]
--> '''Charming''': ''[trying to drag him off Hook]'' She wouldn't want you to kill him!\\
'''Gold''': I'm a stranger to her now.\\

--> '''Mr. Gold''': How terribly uncivilized.

--->'''Passenger''': It's something pretty simple, mate. Have you ever been on a plane before?\\
'''Mr.Gold''': Have you ever been [[CaneFu impaled upon a cane]] before? ''[Gold waves his cane before Emma stops him]''

-->'''Charming:''' If anything happens to them... \\

--> '''Charming:''' Yeah.

* FunnyBackgroundEvent: When Henry walks into the room, Gold can be seen in the background [[spoiler: realizing that Neal/Bae is Henry's father, subsequently making Henry his grandson]]. It's pretty much the only funny thing in the scene.

--> '''Emma:''' ''[pressing the button for Neal's apartment]'' UPS package for 407.\\

[[AC: The Queen Is Dead]]

* [[spoiler: Cora's]] disdain for the Blue Fairy's outfit.

[[AC: The Miller's Daughter]]

--> '''Rumpelstiltskin:''' That's what you want, eh? You want them to ''kneel''--
--> '''Cora:''' No.
--> '''Rumpelstiltskin:''' I--no--''What?''

* "You are not allowed to have opinions about surprises, Mr. [[spoiler: Son-of-Rumplestiltskin]]!"

-->'''Rumple''': He tried to steal from me, the Dark One! If you do that you get skinned alive. Everyone knows that!\\
'''Belle''': Actually, no they don't.\\
'''Rumple''': ''[{{beat}}]'' Well, they will after they discover the body!

-->'''Gold''': Then I'll make her!\\
'''Regina''': Now there's the charm that should woo a lovely young lady.

* Neal prefers [[spoiler: August/Pinocchio]] as a kid. Emma thinks it's going to take some getting used to.

'''Rumpelstiltskin:''' Through the charred remains of their homes. Yes, I'm sure that will be perfectly clear.
* Regina barges into Rumpel's castle and demands to know why he didn't come when she called. His reaction?
-->'''Rumpelstiltskin:''' Do I know you, dearie? ''[{{beat}}]'' I already have a maid. Promising girl, actually.

[[AC: Second Star to the Right]]
* Rumpel and Belle are on a date when Charming and Snow interrupt, Charming remarks that it looks like they're having quite a party. (Or words to that effect). Rumpel's response: [[DeadpanSnarker "Well, I certainly don't remember inviting you."]]

[[AC: And Straight On Til Morning]]
* Hook [[spoiler: has a [[ChangedMyMindKid change of heart and comes back]], ready to save the day by stopping Storybrooke from being destroyed....only for Emma to immediately tell him that's old news since Storybrooke's been saved already, they now need him for an entirely different situation. Particularly funny is the casual way she said it.]]

--> "I'd say threatening to kill me is about a bit redundant seeing as we're all about to die anyway"

[[AC: Episode 1 - The Heart of the Truest Believer]]

* Charming punches Hook for calling his wife a "slag."

--> '''Hook:''' I actually quite fancy you from time to time when you're not yelling at me.

--> '''Regina:''' ''[gesturing to the mermaid]'' Now can I resume killing her?\\

'''Snow:''' Undo your spell! Bring back the mermaid! \\

* Robin Hood unconditionally accepts that Baelfire is Rumpelstiltskin's son:

[[AC: Episode 2 - Lost Girl]]

-->'''Regina:''' [[spoiler: Peter Pan]]'s here. I can feel his smugness.

* Rumpelstiltskin thought that he'd seen that last of Charming when he helped him wake Snow from the Sleeping Curse. When Charming arrives in Rumpel's palace, Rumpel reacts with a mix of shock and annoyance.

[[AC: Episode 3 - Quite A Common Fairy]]

* In a flashback, Rumpelstiltskin's delight at Regina's choice of meal:
-->'''Rumpelstiltskin:''' Roast swan. ''[giggle]'' That's amusing. ''[{{beat}}]'' You'll get that later.

--> "Snow White? ''That's'' her name? Even I think that's a bit precious and mine's Tinker Bell!"

--> "A complicated history? That's a very diplomatic way of describing things."

[[AC: Episode 4 - Nasty Habits]]

[[AC: Episode 5 - Good Form]]

-->'''Hook''': There were two of you? I can barely stomach ''one''.

-->'''Regina''': I don't do rum.

-->'''Emma''': Please, you couldn't handle it.

[[AC: Episode 6 - Ariel]]

[[AC: Episode 7 - Dark Hollow]]

* Regina's comment to Ariel after [[spoiler: Ariel comes back with Pandora's Box and Regina rewards her.]]
-->'''Regina:''' [[spoiler: Now you can have legs whenever you want. Or fins. [[CasualKink Whatever Prince Eric is into these days]].]]

[[AC: Episode 8 - Think Lovely Thoughts]]

[[AC: Episode 9 - Save Henry]]

[[AC: Episode 10 - The New Neverland]]

-->'''Ariel''': Wow, he must really hate me.

[[AC: Episode 11 - Going Home]]

--> '''Hook:''' Can you stop it? Or will we all have to start preparing our souls? Because mine's gonna take some time.

* Hook tries to kiss Emma in an attempt to [[spoiler: bring back her memories after the erasure of Storybrooke from time]], and she responds [[GroinAttack accordingly]]... by kicking him in the balls.
--> '''Hook:''' Long shot. I was hoping you felt as I did.

[[AC: Episode 12 - New York City Serenade]]

* Emma's [[DisposableFiance Disposable Love Interest]] turning out to be [[spoiler: a flying monkey]]. And Emma's reaction.

[[AC: Episode 13 - Witch Hunt]]

--> '''Regina:''' I know just who to tell.\\

-->'''Zelena:''' I had to take it in a little bit at the hips, but it looks better on me, don’t you think?

[[AC: Episode 14 - The Tower]]

-->'''Regina''': If you want to waste your time playing ''Nancy Drew'', be my guest.

-->'''David''': You guys see anything?
-->'''Hook''': Other than an austere sense of design, nothing.

-->'''Hook''': Were you some sort of botanist in this life, mate?

-->'''Hook''': A bit demanding, isn't she? ''(Emma shoots him a dirty look)'' I meant the midwife.

-->'''Emma''': I'd love to see those flying monstrosities get past Granny's crossbow.
-->'''Hook''': And her lunch special.

[[AC: Episode 15 - Quiet Minds]]

-->'''Neal''': I almost married [[spoiler:a minon of my evil grandfather Peter Pan]], so I know what you're saying.

[[AC: Episode 16 - It's Not Easy Being Green]]
* A lovely exchange between Zelena and Rumpelstiltskin:

'''Rumpelstiltskin''': Besides the point.

-->'''Henry''': What's this?\\
'''Hook''': That, my boy, is a sextant. It's a tool used by sailors to navigate.\\
'''Henry''': Like a GPS?\\
'''Hook''': [{{Beat}}; he clearly has no idea what a GPS is] Aye.

-->'''Zelena''': Out of my way, Munchkin.
-->'''Sneezy''': [[InsistentTerminology I'm a dwarf.]]
-->'''[[PoliticallyIncorrectVillain Zelena]]''': That's even worse.

[[AC: Episode 17 - The Jolly Roger]]

-->'''Snow''': Why don't we just call Marco? He's good at this kind of thing...\\
'''Emma''': No!\\
'''David''': We're fine!

[[AC: Episode 18 - Bleeding Through]]

[[AC: Episode 19 - A Curious Thing]]
* The look on Henry's face when [[spoiler: Regina]] reveals that the name of her new love interest is [[spoiler: ''Robin Hood'']].

--> '''Snow:''' After true love, footwear is the most powerful magic of all! It must be protected!

-->'''Robin''': Where I'm from, we call that gratitude.
-->'''Regina''': Where you're from people bathe in the river and use pinecones for money.

-->'''Snow''': Regina! If I didn't know any better, I'd say you look smitten!
-->'''Regina''': [''flustered''] Well, if I didn't know any better I'd say Häagen-Dazs is smitten with your stomach.

--> ''(Charming picks a flower for Snow)'' '''Charming''': For luck.
--> Snow takes the flower and turns to see Regina giving her a look that just screams "really?"
--> '''Snow''': What?
--> '''Regina''': We're at the edge of the Dark Forest, trying to find the one person who can stop our imminent doom, and save your unborn child, and you two stop to smell the roses?!
--> '''Snow''': (Holds up the flower.) [[SincerityMode Snowbells.]]
--> '''Charming''': (Smiles at Regina.)
--> '''Regina''': I don't care if they're dancing daffodils! I need to destroy my sister, and so do you!

[[AC: Episode 21 - Snow Drifts]]

-->'''David''': She's just stubborn like her moth-- ''(Mary Margaret gives him a'' ''DeathGlare)'' --all our family.

-->'''Emma''': The only lasting impression I'm concerned about right now is what this corset is making on my spleen.
-->'''Hook''': Your discomfort is a cross I'm willing to bear.

* Hook's growing jealousy of [[spoiler: Emma seducing his past self in order to distract him for present-day Hook to strike a deal with Snow White to get the ring. It culminates in him punching his past self in the face.]]
** The exchange after [[spoiler: Hook punches his past self in the face.]]

* This bit when [[spoiler: Past!Hook is taking Emma to his ship.]]

* Hook and Emma entering Midas's ball, only to have the aforementioned ask them their names. What does Emma come up with? [[spoiler: Prince Charles and Princess [[Franchise/StarWars Leia]].]]
* Rumpel dismissing the idea that he'd fall in love with Belle.

** Listen closely to Emma's comment beforehand. Rumpel's doing one of those exaggerated "What? ''No!''" laughs one does when they're trying to laugh something off but failing.
-->'''Rumpel''': (Laughs) W-w-what?! First, you tell me I let the pirate live, and now you're telling me I fall for the help.

-->'''Emma''': She's nastier without her sensible pantsuits.

-->'''Rumple''': There's a powerful wand, which uh...Icametoposess, anyway...

[[AC: Episode 22 - There's No Place Like Home]]
* Rumple [[spoiler: after taking a memory potion.]] "What the hell am I doing in here?" (Poof)

* The scene where [[spoiler: Hook, Charming, and Red go to free Emma from the Evil Queen's dungeon]] leads to this exchange:
-->'''Hook''': Swan?\\
'''Emma''': Hook?\\
'''Hook''': What the hell are you doing? You're depriving me of a dashing rescue.\\
'''Emma''': Sorry. The only one who saves me is me.
* When trying to convince [[spoiler: Marian]] to return with them to the present.
-->[[spoiler:'''Marian''':]]...Unless you intend to kidnap me. I'm going to go find my family.\\

'''Emma''': Well then, I guess we're kidnapping you.\\
'''Hook''': ''(laughs)'' I always knew there was a little pirate in you, Swan.

[[AC: Episode 1 - A Tale of Two Sisters]]

* Kristoff tries to stall from telling Elsa that [[spoiler: Anna is on her way to Misthaven]], and his story gets increasingly ridiculous as he speaks:

[[AC: Episode 2 - White Out]]

-->'''Henry''': I wonder what babies dream about.\\
'''David''': Bullfighting.\\
'''Emma''': Laser tag.

-->'''David''': Emma's trapped under ice with a woman with some kind of..ice magic.
-->'''Rumple''': And this involves me because...?
-->'''Hook''': You're the bloody Dark One, do something!
-->'''Rumple''': Well, I could melt the ice and destroy it with a thought, but that would also destroy your girlfriend, is that what you want?

[[AC: Episode 3 - Rocky Road]]

-->'''Mary Margaret''': I just thought it would be nice to try and put a personal touch to the office.
-->'''Regina''': And you've succeeded... hideously.

-->'''Emma''': Who's ''Frederick''?!

-->'''Kristoff''': No one thought to check if it was empty?

-->'''Prince Hans''': I didn't try to kill her. [[MurderByInaction I left her to die]].\\
'''Kristoff Bjorgman''': [[DeadpanSnarker Important distinction]].

** Speaking of the Snow Queen, there's something hilarious about the look she gives Hans's brothers that makes them back off. She just froze Hans right in front of them, and apparently they can't even take a hint that they should be running away in pants-pissing terror; that one look just screams, "How stupid do you have to be to go all DeerInTheHeadlights on me after this? You should be running five seconds ago!"

[[AC: Episode 4 - The Apprentice]]

-->'''Anna''': Wait. You're not coming any closer just because I told you not to?

-->'''Kristoff''': That is-
-->'''Anna''': Horrible? Terrible? The worst news you've ever heard and the world might as well end right now?
-->'''Kristoff''': I was gonna say...''bad''. But yeah, wha-what you said.

[[AC: Episode 5 - Breaking Glass]]

[[AC: Episode 6 - Family Business]]

--> '''Anna''': She (Ingrid) is up to something ... because I'm a good judge of character!
--> '''Kristoff''': Yeah, says the girl who agreed to marry Hans ten minutes after you started talking to him.
--> '''Anna''': I was young and naive!
--> '''Kristoff''': You met me the next day.
--> '''Anna'''" Young-ER!

[[AC: Episode 7- The Snow Queen]]
* Rumplestilskin's secret potion that can transform something old into something new? [[spoiler: Furniture polish.]]

-->'''Gold''': [[GenreSavvy Well, this kind of procession never bodes well]].

[[AC: Episode 8 - Smash The Mirror]]

-->'''Hook''': Bloody hell. I left my talking phone in the back of your truck.
-->'''David''': It's just called a phone.
-->'''Hook''': What a practical name.

--> '''Robin''': Why would [[Literature/TheCatInTheHat a cat want a hat]]?
--> '''Will''': [[DeadpanSnarker I've seen weirder, mate.]]

-->'''Ingrid''': Surprise! How was that?
-->'''Anna''': Not how I would have done it.

[[AC: Episode 9 - Fall]]
* After Hans manages to take over Arendelle from Anna and Kristoff and rubs it in their faces, Anna dejectedly calls him out, and reminds him that she even sang "Love Is an Open Door" with him. Cue Hans looking embarrassed about this, confusion from Kristoff and chuckles from Hans's brothers.

-->'''Snow''': Well not right now seeing as Elsa's blind faith just screwed us over!\\
'''Regina''': Coming from you that's terrifying.

* While Hans taking over Arendelle is dark, the way he does it is rather funny: he bribes Arendelle's military to his side by...using stolen money from Arendelle's royal vault. In other words, Hans just bought himself a kingdom using its own money, without spending a single shilling from his own pocket. It's almost as ingenious as one of Rumpelstiltkin's innumerable con games. Also counts as [[RefugeInAudacity a plan so dumb it shouldn't work.]]

--> '''Emma:''' Little late for Halloween.
--> '''Regina:''' You!
--> '''Emma:''' How do you walk in that thing?
--> '''Regina:''' [[InsultBackfire With the poise and composure of a queen]]. Perfect timing, Miss Swan. I was just reading up on how to turn you into a garden topiary!

* Rumpel's description of Cruella's smell: "desperation and gin."

* Belle says that she thinks Rumpelstiltskin gathers power because he has a hole in his heart. He responds that the only thing he needs is clean clothes and magics her outside so she can do the laundry. This is her response:

* Rumpelstiltskin, Ursula, and Cruella crammed into the latter's Rolls Royce, at a fast food drive-in. Cruella and Ursula seem right at home, casually ordering from the Cluck Bucket - Rumpel abstains, not wanting to die before they even get to Storybrooke.
** The whole thing could really be the setup for a joke under different circumstances: "So Rumpelstiltskin, Cruella De Vil, and Ursula are on a road trip and stop for fast food..." ARareSentence indeed.

-->'''Regina''': [[DeadpanSnarker Let's go see what's destroying property values]] [[LampshadeHanging this time.]]

-->'''Hook''': Surely the Savior and the Evil Queen can defeat a simple hell beast?
-->'''Regina''': Can we drop the E-word already.

-->'''Emma''': Regina. We're not sure it's after you.
-->'''Regina''': Of course it's after me. Ursula says that it devours the heart with the darkest potential, and now that Gold's gone...Well, who else could that be? I mean, is there a dwarf named Evilly?
-->'''Regina''': (whispering and gesturing towards herself) It's me.

--> '''Maleficent''': I'm the person whose valet you either knocked out, strangled, or tried to impregnate. I don't know what those tentacles are for.

--> '''Cruella''': What exactly are you offering, short stuff?
--> '''Rumpelstiltskin''': The answer to all your prayers.
--> '''Cruella''': I'm not exactly the religeous sort.
--> '''Rumpelstiltskin''': Shocked.

-->'''Emma''': Belle ...
-->'''Belle''': I'll see if I can find anything about this thing in the library.
-->'''Emma''': Thanks! And Mary Margaret ...
-->'''Snow''': I'll get everyone to safety. I'm on it.
-->'''Emma''': Wow, you guys really have this down.
-->'''Killian''': Well this isn't our first monster bash.

-->'''Emma''': Great. So our best defense against magical beasts follows the same rules as chicken pox?
* When Rumpelstiltskin is staying at Ursula's, we get this exchange between the two.
--> (Microwave dings)
-->'''Ursula''': That means it's ready.
-->'''Gold''': Yes, I know how to work a microwave, thank you.
-->'''Ursula''': Because the Dark One did so much cooking in his time.
-->'''Gold''': Well, worry not, my power extends far beyond Ramen noodles.

[[AC: Episode 13 - Unforgiven]]

-->'''Regina''': Bring up my former sins in front of my son again, and you'll be across the town line faster than you can say "costume jewelry".
-->'''Cruella''': [[ThreatBackfire These are blood diamonds,]] [[ITakeOffenseToThatLastOne I'll have you know.]]
* Ursula and Cruella continue to provide wonderful background snark, such as [[CasualDangerDialogue their comments]] during [[spoiler: Maleficent's ToThePain speech]]:
--> '''Ursula''': I've forgotten how much I missed her.
--> '''Cruella''': It's going to be entertaining.

[[AC: Episode 14 - Enter The Dragon]]

* Rumpelstiltskin on Maleficent's dragon form: "[[{{Hypocrite}} Bit showy, if you ask me]]."

[[AC: Episode 15 - Poor Unfortunate Soul]]

* [[spoiler: Ariel slaps Hook for what he did in "The Jolly Roger", with the main reasoning being she's angry that she actually had to [[SaveTheVillain save Blackbeard's life]] as a result.]]

[[AC: Episode 16 - Best Laid Plans]]

[[AC: Episode 17 - Heart of Gold]]

** [[spoiler: Zelena giddily knocking on his chest as if to say "Anybody in there?" while smirking as he goes into cardiac arrest is equal parts this and NightmareFuel.]]
* The Author calling Rumpel "the biggest pain in the ass I ever had to write."

[[AC: Episode 18 - Sympathy for the De Vil]]

-->'''Cruella''': Blasted birds. I'll show you what "angry" looks like.

*** [[HilariousInHindsight Becomes even more funny]] once we learn [[spoiler: Cruella's forbidden to kill any living thing]]. What's the point of ''Angry Birds''? ''[[spoiler: To kill as many pigs as you can!]]'' No wonder she sucks at it.
* There's something [[BlackComedy terribly funny]] about her "explanation" for why she lied about [[spoiler: whether Maleficent's child was dead]]. It's the delivery that really sells it.

[[AC: Episode 19 - Lily]]

[[AC: Episode 21 - Operation Mongoose]]
* Charming and Snow apologizing to Hook for [[spoiler: killing him in the alternate reality and Charming stating that it was not his fault; he had no heart after all. Snow then gets annoyed that he's putting all the blame on her.]]

** And come Season 6 when we meet Rumple's actual mother - [[spoiler: The Black Fairy]] - she of course could not be more different from Merida.

[[AC: Episode 1 - Dark Swan]]

[[AC: Episode 2 - The Price]]

[[AC: Episode 3 - Siege Perilous]]

[[AC: Episode 4 - The Broken Kingdom]]

-->'''Charming''': Finally, a blade that can stand up to Granny's meatloaf.

[[AC: Episode 5 - Dreamcatchers]]

-->'''Merlin''': You were [[ExpectingSomeoneTaller expecting someone]]...
-->'''Charming''': We were expecting someone...older.

[[AC: Episode 6 - The Bear and The Bow]]
* Emma's way of bribing Zelena into helping her? [[spoiler: Onion rings]].

[[AC: Episode 7 - Nimue]]

[[AC: Episode 8 - Birth]]

** Whale also points out that he has the right to be snarky since last time Zelena was in his hospital she stole a baby and tried to kill Whale by tossing him across the room. He seriously hopes that it doesn't happen again. [[spoiler: The baby's fine, but Emma is quick to toss Whale into the wall a second time the moment she appears]].

[[AC: Episode 9 - The Bear King]]

-->'''Queen Elinor''': Your magic's never very direct, is it?\\
'''Witch''': It gets the job done. I pride myself on satisfied customers!

-->'''Ruby''': I'm not the best at relationship advice. I sort of...ate my only boyfriend...
-->'''Mulan''': Yes, I think that disqualifies you.

[[AC: Episode 10 - Broken Heart]]

-->'''Zelena''': Once you go green, you never go Queen.

--> I used to be an adventurer like you ....

* A bit of BlackComedy when Hook [[spoiler: rips out Merlin's heart]], courtesy of "Rumple":
-->"Careful, dearie. That's the oldest [[spoiler: heart]] in all the lands... let's cut it open and count the rings!"

[[AC: Episode 11 - Swan Song]]

-->'''Mary Margaret''': You're going to ''Hell?''
-->'''Emma''': TheUnderworld.
-->'''David''': [[SarcasmMode That's quite a distinction.]]

[[AC: Episode 12 - Souls of the Departed]]

-->'''Witch''': What can I get you? Gingerbread or children? Kidding, but the gingerbread is actually not bad.

-->'''Regina''': That's a mouthful.

-->'''Regina''': For you to be funny. It didn't come true. ''(kills him)''

-->'''Mirror''': Well, you've still got me.

[[AC: Episode 13 - Labor of Love]]

-->'''Snow''': He was a friend.
-->'''David''': ...Define friend.
-->'''Snow''': Jealous?
-->'''David''': Well, it's not every day my wife says she was friends with a god.
-->'''Snow''': Demigod.

-->'''Cruella''': I miss it. The glitz, the glamour, the gin, the music...the gin.

[[AC: Episode 14 - Devil's Due]]
* Rumpel tracks down Milah in The Underworld and gets his DeadpanSnarker on:

'''Rumpelstiltskin:''' Well, you are standing in the middle of Main Street. I must say, I love the irony of your job. You, looking after children, keeping them safe, giving them clothes.

-->'''Milah''': I'm supposed to be watching the children.
-->'''Rumplestiltskin''': Well, they're dead anyway.
* Rumpel recapping the history of Emma, Baelfire, Hook, Milah, and himself for the two women.
-->'''Rumplestiltskin''': There's someone I'd like you to meet. This is Milah, my ex-wife. And Hook's ex, also. She's also Baelfire's mother, of course. Emma knew him as Neal. They had a torrid affair, which resulted in a scandalous teenage pregnancy. In prison.

-->'''Rumplestiltskin''': I'm sure we're gonna laugh ourselves sick about all this one day. I suggest you follow me before this gets even more awkward.

-->'''Emma''': So, what, the gates of Hell are in my house?
-->'''Gold''': As was the stone of Excalibur. The pirate has a knack for targeting real estate with hidden value.

-->'''Cruella''': I'm not saying it's Bambi's iconic dead mother. And I'm not saying it's not.

[[AC: Episode 15 - The Brothers Jones]]

-->'''Regina''': Don't argue with your mother. Or your mother.

-->'''Liam''': You're a demon!
-->'''Hades''': Technically, I'm a god. Lots of people make that mistake.

-->'''Henry''': Please don't make this a lesson.
-->'''David''': Too late.

[[AC: Episode 16 - Our Decay]]

-->'''Zelena''': What are you going to do? Smite me with your book learning?

-->'''Zelena''': Who the hell are you?
-->'''Hades''': Who the hell am I? A far more appropriate question than you can imagine.

-->'''Snow''': We're regulars in the diner in Hell.

-->'''Zelena''': "Probably something dreadful like Brittany or Nancy or...oh God, not Marian."

[[AC: Episode 17 - Her Handsome Hero]]

-->'''Belle''': So when you try something nefarious, it's a smashing success but when you try for something good, you fail?

-->'''Regina''': Glad to see your reflexes are better than your sense of style.

-->'''Belle''': So, you killed Gaston, my fiancé, and never thought to tell me?
-->'''Gold''': It was an arranged marriage! I was doing you a favor!

[[AC: Episode 18 - Ruby Slippers]]

-->'''Regina''': Just because you made one bad move...or thirty...

-->'''Snow''': She used to roast children, you really want to know the answer to that?

[[AC: Episode 19 - Sisters]]

-->'''Regina''': Next time, tell your boyfriend to pick you up in something less chrome.

-->'''Regina''': I stopped giving you a pass after...well, everything you've done.
-->'''Zelena''': Don't act like my mother, I already have someone who failed at that job.

-->'''Regina''': She's not thinking rationally, which for her is a big problem.

-->'''Cruella''': Why is everything in the woods with you people?!

-->'''Zelena''': If Belle preferred eternal slumber to one more moment with you, that's hardly my fault. I'd say her judgement's improving.

[[AC: Episode 20 - Firebird]]

-->'''Emma''': Maybe they were a regular customer?
-->'''Cook''': Our food's not that good, honey.

[[AC: Episode 21 - Last Rites]]

-->'''Hook''': Denial, grief, anger, can we just get to acceptance?

[[AC: Episode 22 - Only You]]

-->'''Regina''': What, you're worried I'll send you into eternal slumber on a bus bench?

-->'''Zelena''': Of course. Do you have any duct tape?

-->'''Zelena''': Should I be upset you didn't try to frisk me?

[[AC: Episode 23 - An Untold Story]]
* Rumpelstiltskin orders room service at the hotel, only to have the food taken back, and to keep a "sterling silver" platter. He also tips the staff $100 and warns, "things might get messy here..." sounds like he's going to do something freaky with the platter!

-->'''Zelena''': Not many maids with untold tales.

* Violet reveals her father was actually from Connecticut who ended up in Camelot and doesn't get why he always laughed about being "A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court."

[[AC: Episode 1 - The Saviour]]
* Emma referring to Hyde as "Mutton Chop."

[[AC: Episode 2 - A Bitter Draught]]

-->'''Regina''': Do you really want to know about every time I tried to kill you?
-->'''David''': YES!

[[AC: Episode 3 - The Other Shoe]]
* Regina goes to see Hyde, taking a covered tray...which turns out to be lasagna.

-->'''Snow''': Dr. Jekyll and Dr. Frankenstein. You know what that sounds like?
-->'''Regina''': The world's scariest pediatrician practice?

[[AC: Episode 4 - A Strange Case]]

[[AC: Episode 5 - Street Rats]]

-->'''Zelena''': Did you and he ever...
-->'''Evil Queen''': No. You?
-->'''Zelena''': No...but I was tempted once.

[[AC: Episode 6 - Dark Waters]]

-->'''Hook''': What about the walking prison plan?

-->'''Hook''': What's a Wookiee? That makes no sense.

-->'''Henry''': First rule of escapes. They never search the kid.

[[AC: Episode 7 - Heartless]]

[[AC: Episode 8 - I'll Be Your Mirror]]

-->'''Zelena''': Like most acts of IDIO-TIC heroism, it failed and now Rumple's got them.
-->'''Aladdin''': Okay, I don't like this one.

-->'''Regina''': Why is no one useful using a mirror?

-->'''Henry''': You're a natural liar.
-->'''Violet''': Thank you.

-->'''Regina''': I didn't take a one-way trip for you to pick me apart, thank you.

-->'''Violet''': Am I supposed to be the jock...the nerd...the homecoming queen...
-->'''Henry''': I knew I should have started with ''Film/{{Sixteen Candles}}''.

[[AC: Episode 9 - Changelings]]

-->'''Emma''': Whoa. Well, someone had a temnper tantrum.

[[AC: Episode 10 - Wish You Were Here]]

[[AC: Episode 11 - Tougher Than The Rest]]

-->'''Emma''': I have to get back and get him off the rum. And the desserts.

-->'''Rumple''': If you'll excuse me, it's been a while since I did a good flay. Tools are a little rusty.

-->'''Robin''': A tree?
-->'''August''': A magic tree.
-->'''Robin''': Oh, well, forgive me.

[[AC: Episode 12 - Murder Most Foul]]

[[AC: Episode 13 - Ill Boding Patterns]]

-->'''Zelena''': This little munchkin went to market...this little munchkin ran home...''(senses someone inside and ignites a fireball)'' And this little munchkin is about to pay the price.

-->'''Robin''': I don't care if there's seven of you! I want out of this abysmal hamlet!

[[AC: Episode 14 - Page 23]]

-->'''Evil Queen''': I'm royalty, not a peasant who sleeps on dirt like you.
-->'''Robin''': I sleep on hay...which is on the dirt...there's a separation...never mind.

-->'''Robin''': This isn't quite what I imagined when I offered my services. Unless I misread the situation...and things are about to take a turn.

[[AC: Episode 15 - A Wondrous Place]]

-->'''Jasmine''': I'm not sure if that's fear talking or laziness.

-->'''Ariel''': Is this rug flying?
-->'''Jasmine''': It's a carpet and yes.
-->'''Ariel''': Well, it's clearly a rug and can you put us down?

-->'''Hook''': [[LampshadeHanging For two people in love]], [[PoorCommunicationKills you are terrible at communication skills]].

-->'''Regina''': Do you ever ''not'' tattle?

-->'''Snow''': You've got to try this. They say it's "artesianal" which I think means it's strong.
-->'''Emma''': How many has she had?
-->'''Regina''': Would you believe that's her first?

-->'''Hook''': I never thought we'd find Jafar in an off-season tiki bar.

[[AC: Episode 16 - Mother's Little Helper]]

-->'''Emma''': He has a death wish. Meaning if he messes with me again, I'm going to kill him.
-->'''Snow''': And I'll help. I've been looking for some mother-daughter bonding.

-->'''Blackbeard''': You lied to me!
-->'''Hook''': And you had six aces in your deck! I'm not as drunk as your other opponents!
-->'''Blackbeard''': Well played.

-->'''Isaac''': I want a sports car. A Porsche.
-->'''Regina''': You have to be kidding.
-->'''Isaac''': Actually, a Lamborghini.
-->'''Regina''': I'll run that sports car over your head until it's crushed like a pumpkin if you don't help us.
-->'''Isaac''': Sports car, my freedom, New York....oh yes. ''Hamilton'' tickets.

-->'''Isaac''': So no on the ''Hamilton'' tickets? Not surprised, no magic is that powerful.

[[AC: Episode 17 - Awake]]

-->'''Charming''': Grumpy!
-->'''Leroy''': Who you calling grumpy?
-->'''Charming''': I need you to get the other dwarves together.
-->'''Leroy''': Now you're mocking my height?!

-->'''Regina''': What part of "coma" is unclear?!

[[AC: Episode 18 - Where Bluebirds Fly]]

-->'''Hook''': Your mother has a key, good to know.

-->'''Zelena''': No one hurts people in these woods but me!

-->'''Snow''': [[RunningGag We were cursed!]]

-->'''Black Fairy''': So you're the witch who cast my Dark Curse. No wonder it failed so pathetically.

-->'''Snow''': If this because of Hook because that ship has sailed and there's a pirate on it.

-->'''Hook''': How is it even when your sister isn't the villain we're fighting, she's still the villain we're fighting?

--> '''Charming:''' (to Snow) What about your first date with Whale?

--> '''David:''' You can't really believe this place is good enough. This isn't some town meeting about parking regulations, it's our daughter's wedding!

[[AC: Episode 19 - The Black Fairy]]

-->'''Emma''': That's dark even for the Dark One.

-->'''Regina''': Turning lights on by hand...
-->'''Zelena''': Barbaric. And exhausting.

-->'''Zelena''': I've just been soundly defeated by Sniglar.
-->'''Regina''': Sniglar?
-->'''Zelena''': I didn't name it, Ikea did. And if those Swedes can best me...

-->'''Regina''': You need to learn to drive the other kind of stick.

-->'''Zelena''': You want me to raise him?
-->'''Regina''': Actually, I expect him to raise you.

-->'''Regina''': It's important!
-->'''Granny''': So is the lunch rush!

-->'''Snow''': We need a safeword.

-->'''Zelena''': You know, this whole driving thing is easy when you're actually ''trying'' to hit something.

-->'''Hook''': Henry, just who I was looking for!
-->'''Henry''': That sounds ominous.

-->'''Hook''': You guard those with your life. Because if you don't, your mother will kill you.
-->'''Emma''': Kill him for what?
-->'''Hook''': Nothing, luv. Merely a talk between men. ''(Emma gives him a look that shows she clearly isn't buying it)''

[[AC: Episode 20 - The Song In Your Heart]]

-->'''Mirror''': Snow and Charming made a wish/now everything has changed.
-->'''Regina''': Oh, great now you're singing too/this whole thing is deranged.

-->'''Black Fairy''': I was never a fan of white weddings.

-->'''Charming''': Something with leather?

-->'''Smee''': I'm flattered as I always thought I exuded an air of authority...

-->'''Rumple''': Sorry, dearie, but the Dark One doesn't sing. I'd rather gouge my eyes out with a rusty fork!

[[AC: Episodes 21&22 - The Final Battle]]

-->'''Emma''': Captain Hook? Who officiated, Tinkerbell?

-->'''Hook''': Hello, mummy.
-->'''Jasmine''': Mummy?
-->'''Snow''': There was a wedding...And that's still taking time to get used to.

-->'''Hook''': You trust this to a pirate?
-->'''David''': No, I trust my son.
-->'''Hook''': (''arches eyebrow'')
-->'''David''': (''awkward'') ...In-law.

[[folder: Season 7]]

[[AC: Episode 1 - Hyperion Heights]]

-->'''Cinderella''': It's the one with the actual head, not this headless horseless carriage.

-->'''Alice''': And other places! Yeah, one weird trip and that's all anyone knows about you!

[[AC: Episode 2 - Pirate's Life]]

-->'''Weaver''': Well, that's quite a look. You want him just to wilt or burst into flames?

[[AC: Episode 3 - The Garden of Forking Paths]]

-->'''Jacinda''': The Community Garden is in trouble.
-->'''Roni''': If I had a nickel for every customer who said that.

-->'''Roni''': Yes, I'm a regular queen.

[[AC: Episode 4 - Beauty]]

-->'''Weaver''': What's the point of an unsolvable puzzle?
-->'''Tilly''': What's the point of a ''solvable'' one?