The thing about parodying Chick Tracts is that it's hard to be more ridiculous than Jack Chick himself.

SHIKI is dead.

In b4 Jack Chick rails against Persona3

INT is knowing a tomato is a fruit. WIS is knowing it doesn't belong in a fruit salad. CHA is convincing people that it does.

Considering that Jack Chick is still going on about Dungeons And Dragons, I'd be surprised if he knew what Persona 3 was.

edited 28th Jan '10 5:57:28 AM by WilliamWideWeb

SHIKI is dead.

And if he knew... he'd have a beef against those FORSAKEN DEVIL-WORSHIPPING JAPANESE! BANZAI!

If you can't tell the last part was tongue-in-cheek, I pity you.

INT is knowing a tomato is a fruit. WIS is knowing it doesn't belong in a fruit salad. CHA is convincing people that it does.

The problem is, Khorne wants nothing to do with innocent blood, which is worthless in his eyes. He wants warrior blood.

So, it's better to let the innocents grow up and become warriors, then kill them. Or be killed by them. He doesn't really care.

edited 28th Jan '10 6:00:45 AM by Medinoc

"And as long as a sack of shit is not a good thing to be, chivalry will never die."

I remember reading a line of thinking that said by the logic of certain Christians, one would want to abort as many babies as possible so they'll get into heaven and won't ever have any chance to accumulate sin.

That was probably Desertopa.

You can't even write racist abuse in excrement on somebody's car without the politically correct brigade jumping down your throat!

Yeah, Desertopa said that if babies go to Heaven, then the logical path for a compassionate human being is to kill as many babies as possible.

SHIKI is dead.

I think it was in a Slacktivist comment thread.

I actually saw a Chick tract today. It was "Happy hour" and someone left it on a shelf at a grocery store. Odd, since I thought those things only showed up in big cities. Plus, we don't have many fundies around here.

I left it there.

Is it weird that Jack wants people to leave those things lying around to 'spread the word', and I want people to leave them lying around so people can see how crazy he actually is?

edited 9th Feb '10 6:44:31 PM by Marky_Markk

If Jesus reads this, I want my pants back...

The weird part is that Jack Chick thinks people get converted by these.

The weirder part would be if people actually get converted by these.

SHIKI is dead.

I was browsing listverse, and look what I found.

look at #6

last.fm

Yeah, well you know who else was on that list? HITLER

If Jesus reads this, I want my pants back...

Well, considering that it's a list of bigots, the fact that Hitler's on there isn't surprising or even the biggest strike against him due to the fact he's on the list.

edited 12th Feb '10 2:22:19 PM by WilliamWideWeb

SHIKI is dead.

Just came by to congratulate you on winning the Best Live Blogg Award.

edited 26th Mar '10 10:14:12 PM by S.exe

The Trick

First panel on a big house with at least three chimneys, I guess ventilation is a concern if you're going to be making a lot of burnt offerings. The caption tells us it's a month before Halloween. And then the druid  ^*

literally says As You Know it's almost Halloween, in a stunning example of efficiency in visual storytelling. Anyway, as far as unknown information in this panel: Halloween was designed by Satan for people to make sacrifices to him. (Interestingly, they refer to Satan as "our most holy and glorious father"; the universe is a lazy video game designer and Satanism is just a Palette Swap of Christianity, I guess.)

Anyway, panel 2 is a bunch of yahoos in robes. There's a pentagram on the wall, a skull, and candles stuck in...upside-down umbrellas, I guess. One guy says that sacrifices are necessary for cleansing, "so that our father can smile on us with true love and blessing", and turns it over to "Sister Charity". Okay, so maybe not an entire palette swap—it's more like giving a blue slime a green streak or something. Anyway, Charity indicates that what she's about to say is really important by using bold, italics, and underline. That's got to violate some sort of industry standard; the typographical equivalent of the FDA must have gotten a pretty sweet kickback to allow that.

So the next few panels are Charity talking about getting sacrifices by putting razors and crushed glass into candy, as well as increasing "total sacrifices"  ^*

by injecting "our special poisons and drugs" into the treats. At least, I assume that's what they're doing—the line is "the total sacrifices will be obtained again", which is odd because I though "Charity" was giving this speech, not Daravon. Further, they're going to "concentrate more" on using incantations to curse the candy, causing it to influence kids into becoming Satanists. Great recruiting scheme, except, they seem to be cursing the candy that they've put the poison and razor blades and whatnot into, which: unless one can perform incantations with a lacerated mouth, I don't think they've thought this all the way through. Looking at these panels, for a second I think there's a leech on my computer screen, but no, that's just some sort of paint by Charity's eye. Anyway, he switches it up by giving us exterior shots for some reason (there's a full moon, but in a major Series Continuity Error there's no CHA on it or a bite taken out—oh wait, this is The Trick...)

Anyway, so "later in October" they're standing around a pentagram, exhorting Satan  ^*

to send guiding demons upon these instruments (by which they mean candy, and the stuff they are going to put into said candy). Next panel, Morticia Addams shows up to give us the infamous HAW HAW, signature mark of both Chick villains and Matrix alike, and talk about the kids getting "an unexpected treat." Rather glib way to talk about murdering kids, but then, it is important to enjoy what you do. Someone with Centauri hair reminds Morticia to remember "which of the candy bars are injected", and her reply is a bit of a non-sequitur, but it's okay, since she's apparently so excited about this. It's like Christmas in October! Except murder.

So the next panel is captioned with "Halloween night|Three children prepare to go out trick-or-treating", as if he saw the episode of Seinfeld where Kramer does his apartment up in levels and decided to apply that to a caption for some reason. In a kitchen, the effects of another bribe to the Fonts and Design Administration make themselves known as the mother emphatically exhorts her son Johnny (dressed as a particularly grumpy devil) to be sure to visit only houses on their block that he knows. (That, plus underlining. Yeah, that's what we're dealing with here.)

So Johnny the grumpy devil (who is now drawn a bit differently) meets with his friends Susie the confused witch and Jerry the—anti Spiral? pawn? animate coat hanger? Oh who am I kidding it's the ever-ubiquitous frelling ghost by way of sheet over the head, popular everywhere except real life ever. The only thing that gets away with this is Willow in that one episode of Buffy, where it was actually kind of sad because it was akin to throwing a bag over your head even though, hello, you're Alyson Hannigan. Poor little woobie…anyway, the kids all agree to follow their parents' advice, adding "Remember what happened to Bobby last year." Which is a little chilling, except I'm pretty sure the premise of this is bullshit and moreover I'm still not seeing how this is supposed to relate to Jesus. But then, I guess I shouldn't try to call Just Here for Godzilla on a Chick Tract.

So the kids show up at Morticia's, and say "Thanks, Miss Brenda (presumably a typo for Morticia), you're nice". The gist of the next panel is predictable, but not the exact content: "30 minutes and several houses later", there's a very wiggly "YAAAAAAH". An elderly man asks his wife "What's that?" and gets the reply "It's a child screaming." I know part of it is Tethercat Principle, but the lack of regard here—between this and the fact that Morticia was on their block, the moral of this story seems to be heading for Trust No One except Jesus I guess. But really, Chick still hasn't so much as name-dropped the guy yet. Whaaat is going onnn. I am in fact at chick.com, and...anyway.

Emergency room: a surgeon tells two quivering parents that they couldn't save Johnny, but at least the other are probably going to be okay. The next panel is Morticia giving Johnny's mom a Revealing Hug while doing an impressive approximation of trollface. "Meanwhile, Sister Charity watches the news", we transition; she's drinking some wine I guess and gloating about how Satan will be pleased that they killed a kid and hospitalized a few others. Kind of uncomfortable to joke about, even if it's a situation that Snopes is quick to assure me doesn't happen; fortunately, she has a heart attack which greatly lightens the mood: "My heart! I can't breathe! (gasp)" Hemmed in by broadly applicable Bible quotes, she dies.

Next two panels are Fire and Brimstone Hell. For someone who's on fire, she makes a surprisingly cogent inquiry, the sort you might expect to see in an advice column: "Holy father, I am burning. How can this be when I've served you so well?" Satan is silhouetted standing above the flames on some rocks (and apparently has a cape I guess? what?), giving the Chicklaugh and saying "My trick was getting you to serve me. Now your treat is to burn for eternity." That's our Beelzebub!

So anyway, ten months later: someone who I assumed was Johnny's mother (she'd only been shown from behind before, but this is a view of her face now) lays the scene by thanking Brenda (who isn't looking very Morticia-y right now) for inviting them over, and introduces her to her friend Becky from out of town. She says "How nice to meet you" and thinks "Oh, oh, I don't like this Becky", which, okay, duplicity, but "Oh, oh"? Well, while I scratch my head over that, we get an exterior shot of I guess Brenda's house and a bunch of word balloons come out the windows, establishing that Susie and Jerry have been misbehaving lately (is this the "curse" part? Again, what's the point of making the targets for your sacrifice the same as the targets for conversion? Trying to weed out the weak ones or something?). Anyway, protip (well, amateur-tip, really), Mr Chick: when establishing that Susie's and Jerry's mothers are here, you might as well go the extra mile and do so in a way that establishes who are the parents to which kids, by the simple expedient of having the word balloons be visible in the same panel as the characters to whom they belong. But...well, whatever, they're pretty much just interchangeable souls to learn/reject a valuable lesson and go to heaven/hell.

Anyway, Brenda assures them it's just a phase, and Becky says "I don't think so Tim Brenda", asking them to try to identify any major problems in their lives. They zero in on the candy, which Becky immediately and exuberantly declares to be "the key!" So it turns out that Susie didn't actually exist before then, but rather was created by Okay, that was a little TV Tropes Wiki Drinking Game, I'll admit.

Moving on, we get an exchange that I'm sure makes sense in Chickworld, but which is somewhat lacking by our standards of cause and effect: "What do you think you are, Becky, a psychiatrist?" "No, I'm an ex-witch, now I serve Jesus." .oO(@!!!**! I should have suspected it.) "Let me tell you the truth about Halloween." I suspect there is a template to be forged from this, but in lieu of supplying this I will note that Brenda's thought bubble is covering her ass, a standard of modesty which the Victorians could only dream of. (Incidentally, Brenda is apparently wearing a chainmail dress, or maybe just one giant fish, as well as a star necklace for some reason.)

Anyway, Becky starts off by saying that "It came from an ancient Druid custom set up for human sacrifices on Halloween night". Okay, what. Forget Did Not Do The Research, that—the fail could have been avoided if he'd just thought about what the "it" in that sentence meant. Halloween came from a custom for sacrifices on Halloween, did it? Is that what you are positing?

Anyway, so druids apparently went door-to-door demanding "children or virgins" ("or"? think about your sentences for a second man) for sacrifices, leaving pumpkins (which they used their druidic time machine to obtain, I guess? and that somehow accounts for why they're so poorly drawn, why not) with candles inside to prevent those inside from being killed by demons. But if the demons are going out to kill people anyway, why would they need the druids to act as middlemen? Anyway, a family that couldn't pay the tribute would have a hex drawn on their door, which Jack Chick depicts as a Star of David. Look, the only time it's okay to mistake "Druid" and "Jewish" is if you've just watched Spaceballs. I also note that he cites Spellbound, which catches my eye until I realize he is actually citing that apparently he published. Of all Chick's flaws, at least he sources properly, even when it's revealing of how full of crap he is that he has to go to something he published for proof. "I agree with myself!" But then, maybe not so worthy of accolades, since the kind of person who would catch that is probably already discerning enough not to take this seriously.

So Brenda says "That's not what our Halloween is about", and Becky says it's still going on today, only "much more subtle". Speaking of which: given that those kids only went to the houses on their block, it would be pretty trivial for even a cursory police investigation to figure this out. Especially since the kids were still alive to give testimony about what candy the razors and poison were in...but then, nothing ever happens except by the direct intervention of God in these things. So while Brenda fumes (and for some reason Chick insists on giving a vase full of flowers about a fifth of the panel) Becky says she knows from "personal experience" that Satan planned out Halloween to accomplish "several things". She lays out Satan's backstory—"one of the most powerful and intelligent creatures created by God", til he pulled a Face–Heel Turn using Vegeta logic, and then she asks if anyone believes Satan exists. Brenda says that's just old-fashioned superstition and that Becky's sad devotion has not helped her conjure up the stolen plans, nor given her clairvoyance enough to find the rebels.

The interchangeable people agree, once again from an exterior shot, and Becky says "You just did it!" Offscreen, an uneasy glance is exchanged. But no, Becky insists that because they don't believe in witches and demons, they're playing right into their hands—the Keyser Soze corollary to Pascal's Wager. Anyway, she says "The children who are mutilated and murdered every Halloween are no accident." Which is another sentence that really doesn't mean what Chick thinks it means, but also [citation needed]. She goes on to say that they're sacrifices, and that the children are being mind controlled. Look, the two are mutually exclusive, wouldn't it be more reasonable to—oh, forget it, we're almost at the end.

Brenda wonders how to shut Becky up, while Becky points out the fact that their kids have changed as proof of Satanic influence. Which is a really disturbing mindset—if your kids quarrel with you, especially after a traumatic event? Gotta be Satan. The interchangeable mothers are pretty quick to give up hope, but then Becky gives the standard Jesus > all speech and gets them praying. Brenda just stomps off, whining about how Becky is "destroying our Halloween!" Hey, remember a few panels ago when you were thinking of shutting her up? That-that would have been an idea conducive to achieving your aims? But now that they've invoked Jesus—well, maybe it would be more palatable to think of Chick Tracts as episodes of Voltron, and Jesus as the blazing sword. Sure, they could have said it at the end, but then our eyes would have been spared 20 minutes of terrible art.

ps love you Voltron

edited 26th Mar '10 8:39:36 PM by Haven

Productivity is for people without internet connections. -Count Dorku

I know I'm supposed to be gone, but you linked this to me, Haven, so I say this: good job.

SHIKI is dead.

..............These things make my head hurt. I found them in various places in Ocean Side California. Marines used them for shit tickets or for bone fire lights.

Who watches the watchmen?

"Shit tickets?" Nevermind, I don't think I want to know.

Frankly, as far as your comeback oes, you were really lagging light on the jokes; this become less of a Lulzblogging and more of a summary. Fresh off your award you seem to have become lackadaisical if not bland with your writing; I actually couldn't read all the way through this the first time. You got to shape up if you want to powerhouse your way through this one. Good luck.

edited 28th Mar '10 1:12:26 AM by S.exe

S.exe: wat

SHIKI is dead.

For some reason the druids calling Satan "our holy father" reminds me of how they switched Satan for Jesus in the English dub of Bible Black.

Anyone else think Jack's head would blow up if you mentioned All Saint's Day to him?

I haven't known true fear in a very, very long time.

^^

How would that make it more PC?

And isn't that an H-Game? Who sensors porn?

Idiots. Never mind that BB has an especially shitty dub (even by hentai standards) to begin with...

I hope you get tiny bits of eggshell in all your omelettes for the rest of your life!

S.exe: I wrote that badly. In Japan, the demon worshippers chant to Jesus; in America, Satan; in the sequel series, the dubbers just take how the Japanese pronounce it literally and go with "Zazus".

Willy: Don't you think I know that? Refrain from throwing the casual insults around, please. Unless you weren't aiming at me.

I haven't known true fear in a very, very long time.