The Official Bad Puns Topic

What do you get when you toss a piano down a mineshaft? A-flat minor. Conversely, the same thing done on an army base yields A-flat major.

edited 3rd Apr '17 9:56:15 PM by Theatre_Maven_3695

C, E-flat, and G go into a bar. The bartender says, “Sorry, but we don’t serve minors.” So E-flat leaves, and C and G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished, and G is out flat. F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough. D comes in and heads for the bathroom, saying, “Excuse me; I’ll just be a second.” Then A comes in, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor. Then the bartender notices B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and says, “Get out! You’re the seventh minor I’ve found in this bar tonight.” E-flat comes back the next night in a three-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender says, “You’re looking sharp tonight. Come on in, this could be a major development.” Sure enough, E-flat soon takes off his suit and everything else, and is au natural. Eventually C sobers up and realizes in horror that he’s under a rest. C is brought to trial, found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of D.S. without Coda at an upscale correctional facility.

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Such a lust for revenge.
Such a lust for revenge who?

In the D to F section of Truth in Television:

Family-Friendly Stripper: They're called "Go-Go Bars", and they're quite popular in some places. And a few self-proclaimed strip clubs actually do end up exemplifying this trope when they try to open in places that don't allow public nudity, thus forcing the dancers to remain clothed (albeit scantily).

My first thought: "How do you pull that off?"

My best friend was complaining about a rain moth headbutting her window (the noise meant she couldn't sleep) and I said "I guess you could say it's... BUGGING you?"

A sodium atom goes into a bar and gets drunk after a few beers. He then spots a chlorine atom, goes over, and starts beating him so bad the police are called. The sodium atom is charged with assault.

Why did the cowboy buy a dachsund for a pet? The song said to get a long, little doggie.

I've run out of ideas for puns at this point (which is why I haven't visited this forum lately). The mere thought of running out of puns makes me feel joked up in the throat.

You can lead a horse to a bar, but you can't make it a drink.

If I were famous, I'd invite a bunch of actors to my place for breakfast, only to serve them all cakes decorated with quotes from negative reviews of movies they starred in. They would be Pan Cakes.

Give Hasselhoff a quote about his appearance in Starcrash, will ya?

As for an actual joke: So, a teenage valley girl Alpha Bitch was recently arrested because she secretly led a double life as a hitwoman. That's right, she was a sassin' assassin.

There are two kinds of people in this world: those who like Krispy Kreme, and those who doughnut.

What do you call a lizard who struts her stuff down the runway? A scale model!

If Zeus could age, what would he use to help keep his balance? A hurricane.

There was a mother who wanted her son to grow up to be a world famous musician. She wanted to name him Johann, Sebastian, or Christian, but her husband wanted her to "think outside the Bachs".

What do you call the cross-sectional area of a disected bird in atoms? A barn owl.

What type of breakfast gives you a massive amount of debt? Henry Cereal Paget.

Morrison and Gates: Carpenters.

edited 10th Jul '17 3:57:04 PM by NotSoBadassLongcoat

Too much Punishment on this thread

I always used to accuse people blocking my view of being, "More reminiscent of Jim Morrison than of Microsoft's operating system." Some of them even understood what I was talking about.

A man walks into a bar covered head to toe with what look to be small sheets of paper. The bartender takes a closer look and notices the papers appear to be a bunch of tiny comic books, and he has to ask just what's going on. "I don't understand it myself", the man says, "I found a magic monkey's paw and wished to be more attractive to women, but instead all these evangelical pamphlets keep sticking to me...". The bartender says "Oh, so you wished to be a Chick magnet!"

Every Friday, I'm going to start posting an animated image of Mr. T to my Facebook. It'll be my way of saying T.gif.

Don't let an EDM DJ carry your instruments for you. They'll just keep dropping the bass.

Who keeps the mosquitoes away with her scatting?

Citronella Fitzgerald