Badass Boast Competition

Of course, most of us know that we're really nothing special, and shouldn't think too highly of ourselves. Pride, after all, is one of the Seven Deadly Sins - and let's face it, we'd look pretty ridiculous anyway. But sometimes... sometimes you Just Want To Be Badass.

Well, now's your chance! Show the Big Bad, or The Hero, or the audience, how large your ham is, and just what you are exactly - and don't forget to remind 'em WHERE! THEY! ARE!

In short, write a Badass Boast about some Real Life accomplishment, character trait and/or interest of yours, taken Up To Eleven. Also, state a fictional context in which said Boast would be appropriate.

(I know there was a thread about Badass Boasts already, but that was Mad Libs-style and with Actor Allusion - this is freeform, and, as stated above, about your Real Life self).

I'll start. To an antagonist who has just called me naïve or gullible: 'Think of me what you will, but do not think me naïve. For I suspect everyone and everything - I AM suspicion! Years of living amongst my fellow human beings have taught me that they are a bunch of SMOOTH-TALKING, BACKSTABBING RATS, and I would NEVER trust ANY of them on their WORD if I had the SLIGHTEST CLUE they were LYING! Go ahead. Try to hide something from me. You. Will. FAIL!'

Let the boasting begin!

edited 2nd Apr '11 4:02:09 PM by MidnightRambler

edited 22nd Apr '12 11:52:11 AM by Freiberg

Alright. (I've actually said this in real life) To someone who just called me weak or stupid.

"I'm stupid? Just because I'm nice, you think I can't be cruel. Just because I'm small, you think you can take me? I'm nice because I can afford to be. I'm kind beause I can be. I took Muay Thai and Northern Shaolin kung Fu.I act this way because I can. If you push me, I will end you. So, leave me the FUCK ALONE!

edited 2nd May '12 7:23:00 PM by Lokiaesir

Delivered to an antagonist after intervening in a No Holds Barred beatdown to a Badass Pacifist

"Do you really think that violence makes you a man? You're not,you're a child. You think that somehow you have a right to beat someone into a thin paste because they do some thing you don't like? You're pathetic what you've done here is unacceptable, what you've done is something I can't abide. If I wanted to I could destroy you I could snap your arm in so many different ways it's not even funny. The difference between you and me is I understand something that you never will: A child believes violence to be the only viable solution in any given situation,but a man understands that violence and fighting are last resorts only to be used if there is no other option.

Leave now or I will have will have no options left, you're move cowboy."

You speak of destiny! Of a force which controls the actions of every human! Do you wish to make excuses? To deny others glory!? There may be a power governing the universe, but the most powerful force in existence is the human spirit! Willpower can level mountains, tame dragons, conquer worlds! I have overcome all that you have thrown against me through the indomitable might of my own spirit, and now, today, is when I show you the error of your ways!

Where one's will is strong, another's will is stronger... No true champion of the world blindly rushes against a monster, believing in his willpower alone! Will can destroy mountains, but tactics raise them. Will can conquer worlds, but tactics CREATE THEM! Do you understand now? We are the architects of the Universe, creators of the Divine plan, and it is we who divide and conquer! It is by our will, intelligence and strength that we rule, not by the will of mindless beasts like you.