The strangest thing you've said today...

He's in the can? The head? The latrine? The john?

"Did I just compare bending the forces of the universe to your will with making an egg-based dinner?" In reference to an earlier contender, "You don't have a quiche until it comes out of the oven, why would you have a spell before you finish the ritual?"

"I thought it was common knowledge that I have no restraint, I conduct myself badly and I squeal when turning."

The original was a Hurricane of Puns related to driving, it just got Lost in Translation and ended up with the Orphaned Punchline about squealing when turning.

I can think and honk at the same time...

Fifteen... Fifteen... FIFTEEEEEN.... Hahahahahaha...

Of course, a tree's asshole would be an "Arborectum".

and

"Can roller coasters help you pass kidney stones?" Well, if you lay several kidney stones on a roller coaster track, then yes! In the physical sense that you are going past some kidney stones... (laughs)

"You can't HANDLE my fetishes. Mine is a degeneracy born of a troubled past and a few wrong clicks on the internet."

All glory to Harambe, the greatest Spetsnaz solider ever!

I'm just gonna leave out the context. Use ur imagination. :B

edited 30th Sep '16 7:37:36 PM by RandomWriter413

"Nothing like singing songs with a palm tree and a big-ass dragon to cheer you up, right?"

Context

"The Franks have crossed the border, there will be genocide."

Franko-Roman separatist rebels keep crossing the border from Rome into my country, I have decided that I will remove the Franks, no Frankish language, culture, country, or dynasty will live on.

"We're meatarians. We don't eat anything without a face."

"Haha! I actually don't care about eating you!"

That tap danced over the line and dropped its pants.

Not me, but anyway.

"Are they gonna throw a meteor at Buenos Aires?"

"Oooh! Looky de ska!"

An intentionally fudged up version of "Look at the sky!" I was walking outside when I saw the sunset.

"You mean I can't throw a cowbell at a protester?"

"Death commandos do not know how to be mailmen."

"I'm prejudiced against veins." I found a vein in my chicken breast at dinner.

"No matter where I go, the spoon is always on my nose!"

"If I may recommend a beverage, I think "Aqua Regia" would suit your tastes. It's a local special."

Being a Servile Snarker to particularly rude and superior-acting customers is hilarious.

OK, so this is not exactly from today, I worked in a cafe about a year ago, and I just happened to remember this today. Golden memories.

edited 3rd Oct '16 2:45:31 AM by ArilouLaLeeLay

"I never thought I'd be more pissed off by something other than bats."

"No, no, you`re not thinking clearly. This isn`t Uber, Uber, this is Cat Uber. Completely different. Instead of people driving the cars, it's cats. One cat for the steering wheel, one for the breaks, and one for the gas pedal."

"Geez, bulldozer... thing, thanks for the heart attack."

oh yeah sure god

sure, just stick me up there in boat-heaven and make me watch my fiancé hook up with another dude, that's cool

Talking about Titanic's ending, where Cal (or somebody that looks suspiciously like him) can be seen glaring at Rose and Jack from the balcony.

edited 3rd Oct '16 9:26:49 PM by PastryPerson

"I want a weed birb -n-"

"Why is there a ghostly ballerina version of himself in a reference pose standing on his arm?"

edited 4th Oct '16 12:05:54 AM by SmartGirl333