The all handsome ME
(This page is best read in the voice of Zachary Gordon)
First of all, let me get something straight: This is a SELF DEMONSTRATING article, not a diary....or a journal. Yeah, weird. TV Tropes is making me write one of this for some reason. I only agreed to do this at all because I guess it would make me rich and famous! This is definitely gonna be handy.
Anyhoo, my name is Greg Heffley. I will be famous one day, but now I'm stuck in middle school with a bunch of morons. I already record my life in a journal (IT'S NOT A DIARY!), but I figured this could be my SECOND autobiography. After all, I will be famous one day. Did I mention that? Ah well...
I have an older brother named Rodrick and a little brother named Manny. I also have perfectly normal parents and I'm living a perfectly normal life...for now. I also have a friend named Rowley (Rowley: Yay, I'm in this! Greg: Y'know, I could just change your name to Rupert. Now go away). Yeah, I don't like to talk about them that much. They're not important.
Usually, I'm playing video games at my house (especially Twisted Wizard, I'm an expert at that game) until my parents kick me out and make me do something else. I also hang out with Rowley quite a bit (HANG OUT, NOT PLAY!)
Sometime, this guy named Jeff Kinney STOLE MY JOURNAL and published it as a webcomic on Funbrain.com, then as a book. Unfortunately for me, I didn't become famous. That was an alternate world. But hey, I am famous in there. There are 18 books from each one of my 18 journals and they are a hit. One of the biggest book series of all time. They've been adapted into four live-action movies, three animated movies on Disney+, even a stage musical. Rowley even has his own spinoff series, but I don't like how he portrays me as a bigger jerk than I actually am. I just wish the people in MY world knew about it, because this is kind of COOL.
"Tropes" (I don't know what that word means) that apply to me.
- Absurd Phobia:
- I'll admit it, I'm actually nervous around EGGS of all things. Now, don't laugh — there's a reason! You see, one time, I hid some devilled eggs in the Snellas' potted plant, and the smell got so bad that it actually made them move house, so thinking about eggs makes me feel guilty about that.
- I'm also a bit scared of watermelon. That's Rodrick's fault — he claims that if you swallow the seeds, a watermelon will grow in your stomach. I know he's probably lying, but you can never be too careful.
- I'm afraid of Shel Silverstein... but in my defence, he looks like a burglar or a pirate.
- I'm mostly over it, but I used to be afraid of bulletin boards after reading Flat Stanley.
- Adaptational Nice Guy: I guess I was a little nicer in the movies. To be fair, a lot of people were a lot nicer to movie-me than they are to me, so it makes sense.
- Affection-Hating Kid: Even when I was growing inside my mom, I hated being constantly subjected to my parents getting all mushy. And whenever my relatives kiss me, I'm paranoid that they'll start spreading germs.
- Anti-Hero: Ok, so maybe I'm kind of a jerk, but I am the main character.
- Asshole Victim: Nope. I don't deserve anything that happens to me. I'm pretty much one of the best people I know.
- Attention Whore: I guess I'd be less of a jerk if more people liked me, but you gotta do what you gotta do to get people's attention.
- Berserk Button: A lot of things can tick me off, ESPECIALLY if you call my journal a "diary".
- Blind Without 'Em: If I'm not wearing my contacts (or those dumb glasses I have as a backup), I'm blind as a bat. I blame my mom, since she's also like that.
- Book Dumb: I guess I could study harder and get better grades, but if you want to see a dumb guy, look at Rodrick.
- Brutal Honesty: Most people don't seem to appreciate a person as honest as me. So don't ask me how George Washington ever got to be president.
- Butt-Monkey: Oh yeah. It seems like the whole world just HAS it for me. I mean, I get that I'm in middle school, but can you mellow out a bit, world?
- Can't Get Away with Nuthin': Pretty much. It's super lame and incredibly frustrating when you take everything my brothers get away with into account.
- Casanova Wannabe: Nope. I am great with girls. I only fail because of bad luck.
- Companion Cube: When I used to have a baby doll named Alfrendo — I was much younger, okay!? — my parents took him away, so I played with a grapefruit instead... and I got attached to that grapefruit as well.
- Deadpan Snarker: Yeah, right. Like I would actually say something sarcastic!
- Dirty Coward: Ok, so maybe I am a wimp, but It Runs in the Family—when Heffleys get in trouble, Heffleys RUN.
- The Ditz: Hey, it's not my fault. Believe it or not, my dad took down the morning chart. No way I would put my socks over my shoes.
- Does Not Like Spam: I HATE watercress salad, asparagus, oatmeal raisin cookies, and deviled eggs that aren't made by my grandma.
- Easily Embarrassed Youngster: Hey! You'd be embarrassed too if you had a family and friends like mine!
- Embarrassing Ad Gig: This is super embarrassing, but I was once on the cover of a book about — of all things — constipation!
- Embarrassing Damp Sheets: I used to wet the bed until I was eight years old — but in my defence, I was only wetting the bed because of a combination of the water I drank and the crazy dreams I had.
- Embarrassing Nickname: "Bubby". When my little brother Manny was younger, he couldn't say "brother", so he called me "Bubby" instead. I managed to keep it a secret until he blurted it out at the school play, but I did some quick ad-libbing and deflected the embarrassment over to Archie Kelly.
- Enraged by Idiocy: Rowley is technically my best friend, but that is definitely subject to change. Ever since I first met him, he's been doing things that annoyed me. Honestly, sometimes I just don't know about that boy.
- Everyone Has Standards:
- Rodrick is a real jerk, but I didn't want him to flunk out of school. I helped him with his science project, and when he passes science, I hope he realizes how lucky he is to have a brother like ME.
- I thought that "hero point" system was really dumb, but at the same time, those jerks getting that kid (who I'll admit is actually a good guy) in serious trouble even though he earned those points legitimately made me mad.
- My little brother can be way worse than me on a bad day; sometimes even I'm disturbed by how callous he is.
- Yes, I pranked my great-grandma Gammie with a Whoopee Cushion, but when she believed that she actually farted, and wondered if it was because of the surgery she'd had, I felt really guilty.
- Fatal Flaw: Sure, sometimes I do stupid things that get me in trouble, and maybe I can be a jerk at times, but I'm pretty much one of the best people I know.
- Freudian Excuse: Maybe I am a jerk, but I blame my parents (who love Manny more than me) and Rodrick (who's more of a jerk than me).
- Friend to Bugs: Not NOW of course, but about two years ago, I had a pet inchworm named Squirm.
- Guilty Pleasure:
- Okay, I read Slumber Party Pals, even though I still think it's for girls. Hey, the plots are compelling! ... Or at least, they used to be before the author ran out of ideas.
- I hate to admit this, but I used to be attached to a baby doll named Alfrendo. It was advertised as being for boys, so I guess that's not that embarrassing... but what is embarrassing, is that when my parents put him in the basement, I started playing with a grapefruit instead... and I got attached to THAT as well!
- Hates Everyone Equally: Everyone I know has seriously got some issues.
- Heavy Sleeper: I do love my after-school naps. The only one who loves sleeping more than I do is Rodrick.
- Hopeless Suitor: I have some really bad luck with girls. Anyone who would mistake me for Fregley has seriously got something wrong with them.
- I Just Want to Be Special: I mean, c'mon. I just want to fit in, and that's why I act like such a jerk.
- Insistent Terminology: It's a JOURNAL, not a diary. And when you're in middle school you have to say "hang out", not "play".
- It's All About Me: Well, duh.
- Jerkass: What do you mean I'm mean? Sure I may be a bit coarse, but like I said before, I'm pretty much one of the best people I know.
- Jock Dad, Nerd Son: My dad wants me to "man up" and do sports instead of playing video games all day. Once, he even tried to ship me off to military school.
- Kids Shouldn't Watch Horror Films:
- I learned this lesson the hard way. One time when Rowley slept over, we found a horror movie in Rodrick's junk drawer. Neither of us had actually seen a horror movie before, so we wanted to see what all the fuss was about. The movie was about this muddy hand that goes around the country killing people. I spent the whole summer worrying about the muddy hand.
- Another time, I had to help Rodrick out with his science fair project, which was called "Does Watching Violent Movies Make People Think Violent Thoughts?". I think it was really just an excuse for Rodrick and his friends to watch horror movies on school nights. I tried to imagine what a teenager might draw after watching a horror movie, but when Mom saw my drawings, she thought they were "disturbing". And that's why I was only allowed to watch G-rated movies for the rest of the year.
- But if you want to see "disturbing", you should see what Manny was coming up with those days. Rodrick must've left one of his movies in the DVD player, because one day when Manny went to turn on cartoons, he got Rodrick's movie instead. I've seen the pictures Manny drew after that, and some of them are enough to give ME nightmares.
- Lazy Bum: Okay, so maybe I AM lazy. But it's not my fault — I've been lazy ever since I was a little kid. When I was in kindergarten and had to sing the "clean up" song while cleaning up, I'd only sing the song without cleaning.
- Loser Protagonist: I rock at video games, but I stink at everything else. You'd think that since I'm the main character, things would turn out better for me.
- Middle Child Syndrome: It stinks being the middle child, constantly getting tormented by Rodrick and ignored by my parents, who love Manny more than me.
- Narcissist: Yeah, I will be famous one day. It's the main reason I agreed to write in that stupid journal.
- Never My Fault: Yeah, nothing's my fault. People are out to get me.
- No Infantile Amnesia: I remember pretty much everything that ever happened to me, even before I was born.
- Not Allowed to Grow Up: To be honest with you, I feel like I've been stuck in middle school FOREVER.
- The Prankster: I'm always playing hilarious pranks on Rowley. Sometimes when we hang out together, we play hilarious pranks on his dad.
- Shared Family Quirks:
- I don't like saying it, but I have some things in common with Rodrick — we both sleep a lot, we both like to mess with our younger brothers, and neither of us is really into studying.
- My dad and I both love our sweets.
- Dad once said that no son of his was a quitter, but that's not true. Rodrick and I are huge quitters, and Manny has swapped preschools at least three times.
- Small Name, Big Ego: I'll be famous one day, just you wait.
- The Sociopath: Woah, calm down. I AM Just a Kid after all. There are far worse characters that fit this trope, like that overweight kid who needs some real counseling or that nutball from that anime-style fighting game or that pink-haired psycho with her own diary that can predict the future (man, why can't I have of those?). My little brother, on the other hand...
- Spiders Are Scary: If I were a character in Charlotte's Web, it would have been a very short book.
- Surrounded by Idiots: I'll be famous one day, but for now I'm stuck in middle school with a bunch of morons.
- Sweet Tooth: I can't function properly without a sugary snack in my lunch. I guess I inherit it from my dad—when it comes to junk food, he's a total ADDICT.
- Terrified of Germs:
- Whenever my relatives kiss me, I get paranoid that they'll start spreading germs.
- I'd be willing to try my mom's potato salad if it wasn't served in the same bowl that she uses when one of us kids has the flu.
- Mom thinks I'm afraid of water, but what I'm actually afraid of, is swimming in the same ocean that fish, turtles, and whales go to the bathroom in.
- Toxic Friend Influence: Rowley's parents hate me and seem to think I'm a bad influence on Rowley.
- Unconvincingly Unpopular Character: Everybody thinks I'm a dork, but I'm super-cool.
- The Unfavorite: It's really annoying seeing Manny get special treatment because he's the youngest. Especially since even when I was the youngest, I didn't get treated as well as he did. See, when you're a little kid, no one warns you that you've got an expiration date. One day you're hot stuff and the next day you're a dirt sandwich.
- Unreliable Narrator: Nah, everything I say is the truth. I blame people like Rodrick for making you idiots believe this.
- Unusual Euphemism: I'm not allowed to swear because Manny was picking up bad habits, so me and Rodrick came up with a bunch of code words that meant the same thing as the banned words, like "Spooky stork!" and "Raspberry plastic tickle bear!"
Well, it looks like I'm out of paper, so I guess this is THE END.
