Recap / Father Ted S2E5 "A Song for Europe"

The miracle is Father Dick's alright. Just so long as he doesn't get Screwed by the Network...

My lovely horse, running through the field,

Where are you going with your fetlocks blowing in the wind?

I want to shower you with sugar-lumps, and ride you over fences,

Polish your hooves every single day, and bring you to the horse dentist

My lovely horse, you're a pony no more,

Running around with a man on your back, like a train in the night

Like a train in the night

'My Lovely Horse'

Dougal has "Eurosong fever" weeks ahead of the competition. He suggests to Ted that they write a song together to represent Ireland, but Ted rejects this on grounds that they are not skilled in songwriting. However, Ted soon discovers his nemesis Dick Byrne will be entering a song and decides that if Dick Byrne can write a song, he and Dougal can write a better one. After working all night, they come up with "My Lovely Horse", a tuneless dirge with ridiculous lyrics lasting less than a minute. After trying the song out on Mrs Doyle and Father Jack, Jack is so infuriated he shoots Ted's guitar. Disillusioned, they ready to give up when Ted discovers the lyrics fit a tune by "Nin Huguen and the Huguenotes", an obscure B-side for an entry from Norway's Eurosong preselection from the 1970s. As Dougal recounts that whole band died in a plane crash (including all the record company staff and everyone involved in the copyright) Ted suggests that they “honor” the forgotten tune by performing it with their lyrics.

At the Dublin theatre where "A Song for Ireland" is being hosted, Ted discovers that instead of being selected by popular vote (which has proved extremely successful for Ireland in the past), the winner will be determined by Judge Charles Hedges. Initially, Ted and Dougal are unimpressed with Dick Byrne's entry, "The Miracle Is Mine”, a slow moving emotionally wrought ballad until the curtains from to reveal a full choir, huge band, and a suddenly passionate performance from Byrne. Now worried, Ted goes backstage for a smoke where he hears the Norwegian tune they ripped off from first being whistled by a maintenance worker, then playing in the lift. Horrified and realising that the song is well-known, he and Dougal are forced to adopt "Plan B": singing the dreadful original version.

Despite their poor performance, and against the evident wishes of the audience, Irish Eurosong boss Charles Hedges selects "My Lovely Horse" as Ireland's entry, unconvincingly laughing off Byrne's suggestion that he wants to guarantee Ireland losing the main competition since it’s getting expensive hosting the it every year for the last five Eurosongs. The episode closes at the Eurosong contest, with Ted, Dougal, Jack, and Mrs Doyle listening to every country awarding them “nul points".

Tropes featured in this episode:

• 0% Approval Rating: Ireland bombs out of the Eurosong contest with "nul points" from all other countries due to their song choice.
• Affectionate Parody: "The Miracle is Mine"
• Angst? What Angst?: Dougal is upset and about ready to give up because Fathers Dick Byrne and Cyril McDuff are competing in the same round as them. Ted scolds him for his defeatist attitude, prompting Dougal to apologise and instantly go back to normal.
• Artistic License – Biology: Fetlocks are metacarpophalangeal joints in the front legs of horses. They do not 'blow in the wind'.
• Artistic License – Music:
  • A whole bunch regarding the "Eurosong Contest," which one could maybe Hand Wave due to it not working the same way as the real Eurovision Song Contest:
    • The way the Eurosong voting system works here is reversed. In the real contest, each country is called to give out their points for other contestants, not to have their scores read out to them jury by jury. Also the phrase "nul points" was never used in Eurovision; during the 1990s each country's jury spokesperson only announced which entries they were awarding points to from 1 to 12. A country receiving no points would not have the fact announced by the presenters or jury spokespersons (countries can receive Zero points from the public vote section that has been used since voting systems were decoupled in 2016 - no less than 4 did so in 2021’s real life contest, and 7 have done so in the final all-in-all, since this rule was introduced - but it was referred to as “zero points”). And jury spokespersons do not all read their votes in their native tongues; votes have to be announced in English or French.
    • Priests, as religious figures, are not allowed into the real Eurovision as priests - they are allowed to enter if they don't draw attention to this^note this actually happened to Switzerland in 2013; their group was called "Heilsarmee" - the German for Salvation Army - before they were told to change their name. If the show had been depicted following the real Contest's rule, Ted, Dougal, Dick, and Cyril would have been disqualified before they even entered their songs.
    • One of the other contestants at the Song for Ireland (which we never see) is a band called 'The Hairy Bowsies' with a song called "You Dirty English Bastards". The real Eurovision bans most political content.
  • Ted calls Ice-T 'Icy Tea' and Snoop Dogg 'Scoopy Scoopy Dog Dog'. Similarly, he reckons that the song written by Father Benny Cake that made number one in England was called 'Vienna'. Needless to say, none of the four members of Ultravox has ever been a priest named Benny Cake. However, the former was likely meant to show how clueless about music he is, and the latter an intentional joke.
    • Ted's claim that "Vienna" went to #1 in England is a genuine mistake, though. "Vienna" went to #1 in Ireland, but was infamously kept from the top spot in the UK by Joe Dolce's novelty hit " Shaddap You Face".
• As Long as It Sounds Foreign: The ending:
  • A French-speaking jury spokesperson gives the score as "nul points", when the actual French for "no points" is "pas de points" or "zéro points". Justified by "nul points" being used by fans and media reporting on the real Eurovision, although the real contest never uses it.
  • Spanish people would never say “nada” to mean “no points” - the actual translation would be “sin puntos” or “no puntos”. “Nada” just means “nothing”. There’s nothing to stop Spanish media reporting on the real Eurovision from potentially using the phrase, however.
  • A German-speaking jury spokesperson uses the French word for Ireland, not the correct German (possibly he was Swiss and shifted between two of the country's tongues). A Dutch-speaking jury spokesperson uses the French name for Ireland (possibly he was Belgian) and the wrong word for 'no'.
  • "Irska, baš bodova" is Serbo-Croatian for "Ireland, just points". No points would be "nema bodova" or "nula bodova".
  • All the other juries speak foreign sounding gibberish.
• Bestiality Is Depraved: "We want to keep out of the whole area of actually being in love with the horse."
• Bland-Name Product: The "Eurosong Contest," the show's stand-in for the real-life Eurovision Song Contest.
• Catapult Nightmare: Happens to Ted and Dougal at the end of the dream sequence.
  Ted: We have to lose that sax solo!
• Cluster F-Bomb: Ted, to Dougal while trying to write "A Song For Europe". He'd been smoking and drinking a lot at the time. Also a pastiche of the Troggs Tapes.
  Ted: Just play the f—-ing note!
  Dougal: [very nervous] he first one?
  Ted: No, not the f—-ing first one! That's already f—-ing down! Play the f—-ing note you were f—-ing playing. I'm playing the f—-ing first one! We have the f—-ing first one!
  Dougal: So, I...
  Ted: Play the f—-ing note you were f—-ing playing! The thing you were just doing! PLAY THE F—-ING NOTE!
• Comical Overreacting: Ted in the lift after hearing what was going to be his source music.
• Cringe Comedy: After discovering that the producer and presenter are gay, Ted (a Catholic priest, who usually would be against homosexuality) cannot seem to keep the conservation straight.
• Didn't Think This Through: Ted and Dougal are listening to a B-side from a previous EuroSong entrant, and realise that its music matches the lyrics of their song perfectly. They ten decide to plagiarise the song's music for their lyrics without checking its history. Cue Ted panicking when he realises that it is actually well known
• Diegetic Musical: All the songs sung are in-universe, be they as demonstration, in a music video or at the song contest.
• Disney Acid Sequence: Ted and Dougal imagine a music video for their song in their sleep.
• Epic Fail: Invoked. The Failure Gambit succeeds so spectacularly, Ireland gets nothing from anyone!
• Even Evil Has Standards: While 'evil' is pushing it far, Dick Byrne feels rightfully cheated by the Song for Ireland production team over their rigging of the competition.
• Even the Subtitler Is Stumped: On the DVD subtitles, almost every one of Fred Rickwood’s dialogue is presented as “Gibberish”.
• Facepalm: Mrs. Doyle after hearing "My Lovely Horse" for the first time, right before Jack obliterates Ted's guitar with a shotgun.
• Failure Gambit: Hedges plans to lose Ireland the Eurosong with a very bad song. And he succeeds.
• Failure Is the Only Option: Once Ted has been chosen as Eurosong entrant for Ireland, all hope of another win that year is lost for Ireland.
• Feud Episode: Like Competition Time, this episode partly deals with Ted and Dick's feud.
• From Bad to Worse: Ted is shaken when he hears Dick's song is actually well-made, and he goes outside for a smoke to calm down. As he enters the elevator, he hears the song playing is the same song he and Dougal were plagiarizing, causing him to panic and storm back to Dougal. Because they could risk disqualification otherwise, the duo is forced to play their own dreadful version.
• Funny Background Event: The names of some of the unseen acts and/or their songs can be seen on the board behind Rickwood at one point, and many are quite humorous.
  If I Could Wear My Hat Like My Heart
  The Grand Girls

  You Dirty English Bastards
  The Hairy Bowsies

  The Drums of Africa Are Calling Me Home
  Sean O'Brien

  Sha La La La La La La La La La La La La
  Death Pigs
• Hidden Depths: Father Dick is a boastful douchebag, but his musical skills are impressive enough to make his rival Ted doubt himself.
• Hollywood Tone-Deaf: Averted spectacularly by Ted and Dougal, whose attempt at writing a song results in the thoroughly awful original version of "My Lovely Horse." Even after Jack makes his opinion on the song clear courtesy of a shotgun, Ted thinks that the only problem is the tune (or lack thereof) despite the lyrics being equally awful.
• Inept Talent Show Contestant: Zig-zagged with "My Lovely Horse", which starts out as a thoroughly awful song, and is improved somewhat when Ted and Dougal plagiarize a seemingly obscure song, only for them to have to revert to the original version after finding out that the song they plagiarized is actually famous. However, since the officials want an intentional bomb to get out of paying for Eurosong every year, Ted and Dougal's entry ends up a perfect opportunity and is picked as the winner.
• Jerkass: Dick is once again very cocky and insulting towards Ted about his chances of winning the Eurosong contest. Though this time, Dick's confidence is shown to be entirely justified.
• Karma Houdini: Not only does Charles Hedges get what he wants, it would appear he wasn't found out before the main Eurosong Contest - or RTÉ were well aware what he was doing and were quite happy with his plan to save them the expenditure of staging another Eurosong. Given some ambiguity however, since the last we of him and Fred is them trying to avoid the wrath of the outraged audience.
• Musical Episode
• Musicalis Interruptus: When the dream ends, the song (in the middle of a sax solo) is cut off abruptly.
• Names to Run Away from Really Fast: One of the unseen acts are named Death Pigs.
• Noodle Incident: The plane crash that killed the members of Nin Huguen and the Huguenotes, their manager, their music publishers and their record label's staff
• Not That There's Anything Wrong with That: Ted towards the producers after discovering they are gay.
• Plagiarism in Fiction: When working on an entry for the Eurosong competition, Ted steals the melody from the B-side of a Norwegian entry in the same contest in a previous year. He aborts the plan when he discovers that the original wasn't nearly as obscure as he'd thought.
• Precision Cluster F-Bomb Strike:
  Ted: Just play the fucking note!
  Dougal: The first one?
  Ted: NO, NOT THE FUCKING FIRST ONE! THE FUCKING FIRST ONE'S ALREADY FUCKING DOWN! JUST PLAY THE FUCKING NOTE YOU WERE FUCKING PLAYING EARLIER! I'VE BEEN PLAYING THE FUCKING FIRST ONE! WE HAVE THE FUCKING FIRST ONE!
  Dougal: So, I'll just...
  Ted: JUST PLAY THE FUCKING NOTE YOU WERE FUCKING PLAYING THERE! FUCKING WHAT YOU WERE JUST FUCKING DOING! PLAY THE FUCKING NOTE!
• Pretty Fly for a White Guy: "The Drums of Africa Are Calling Me Home" by Sean O'Brien, although this could refer to the entire human species being descended from African proto-ancestors.
• The Psycho Rangers/Similar Squad: Again, Dick and Cyril serve as this to Ted and Dougal, but there are differences. Not only is Dick's song completely different from Ted's, but he has a whole orchestra and choir backing him.
• Ripped from the Headlines: Ireland won the real Eurovision Song Contest in 1992, 1993 and 1994, and so had the costly obligation of hosting it in 1993, 1994 and 1995. This episode is based on the urban legend that RTÉ specifically chose the 1994 entry, " Rock 'n' Roll Kids", to lose, so they wouldn't have to host the competition for a third year in a row. The song actually stormed to victory as the first to ever get more than 200 points.
• Shout-Out: Watch Ted's Cluster F-Bomb sequence closely. Does it remind you of this?
• Show Within a Show: The contest is depicted being broadcast on television, making it an example.
• Sore Loser: Dick Byrne refuses to accept the results of the contest at first, ranting about it in front of the producers. Justified as he had a better song which could have won if the show wasn’t rigged.
• Sound-Effect Bleep/Cluster Bleep-Bomb: Every F-word spoken by Ted during the song writing scene is replaced with a bleeping noise.
• Straight Gay: Mr Hedges and Mr Rickwood. Ted forgets to breathe for a moment when the former tells him.
• Springtime for Hitler: Subverted. Even though the producers picked "My Lovely Horse" in an attempt to make Ireland lose, their plot actually succeeds.
• Stylistic Suck: Even without any plagiarism, “My Lovely Horse” is of very poor quality. During the performances, Ted and Dougal sing out of time, there are various examples of what musicians call bum notes, and Ted pauses awkwardly to change the chords.
• That Makes Me Feel Angry: "OOH, I REALLY HATE FATHER DICK BYRNE!"
• Time for Plan B: When Ted realizes that he and Dougal are trying to plagiarize music that's actually well known, he declares they'll have to "restore to Plan B". Cue the duo playing the dreadful original version of "My Lovely Horse" once it's their turn.
• Time Skip: "SIX WEEKS LATER"
• Totally Radical: Indicated by Dougal with his rapping.
  Dougal: (rapping a possible verse during the brainstorming session) "Take this lump of sugar, baby, you know you want it."
• Truth in Television: The offscreen reaction of the audience to Ted winning, represented by moans and cries from across backstage. If there is a result to a talent competition that viewers don't like, they will suspect that there is something fishy going on with the selection process, a result of the American quiz show scandal of the 1950's.
• Uncertain Doom: Charles Hedges and Fred Wickwood are last seen trying to sneak out backstage when electing 'My Lovely Horse" as the winning entry summons an angry mob.
• Uncomfortable Elevator Moment: Ted has one of these when he finds out that the elevator music is the supposedly obscure song that he and Dougal plagiarized to make "My Lovely Horse."
• The Unintelligible: Fred Rickwood's speech is entirely incomprehensible. Until he goes on-stage, and becomes suave and well-spoken.
• Unwitting Pawn: Ted and Dougal are this to the Eurosong producers, who deliberately pick their song so Ireland can lose in the next round.
• Very Loosely Based on a True Story: Ireland's three-win streak at the Eurovision in the 1990's is lampooned here.
• Well-Intentioned Extremist: Charles Hedges is trying to save money by ensuring Ireland loses the Eurosong Contest. In real life, it costs a fortune to host the Eurovision Song Contest.
• Word Salad Lyrics: "My Lovely Horse".

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"Irlande, nul points."