Quotes: What Do You Mean, It's for Kids?

    open/close all folders 

    Film — Live Action 

Do you think God stays in heaven because he, too, lives in fear of what he created?

    Live-action TV 

Servo: (as the kid) So evil wins, Grandpa?
Crow: (as Grandpa Borgnine) That's right, even your tiny soul is doomed.
Servo: No, Grandpa Borgnine, leave light and hope for me! Please!
Crow: Get out from behind that cushion, Billy! It gets worse!


At one point, the evil Rat King (John Turturro) has his troopers snatch toys from the hands of children so they can be tossed into furnaces... You may be in disbelief. I was.

    Web Animation 

"When I was a lad I didn't know what Frollo was singing
And now that I'm grown, I'm like 'AAAAHHHH! Frollo is a perv!

"That bastard. I can't forgive him, not after he sent my grandpa to the Shadow Realm."
"The what realm?"
"You know, the Shadow Realm. The big, purply cloudy place that you go to when something really bad happens to you."
"I think you're talking about Hell."
"No, it's the Shadow Realm. You know, whenever people fall from a really tall building or they get stabbed in the chest, they go straight to the Shadow Realm. What, you guys don't have the Shadow Realm in the future?"
"I don't think that's a real thing."
"So, wait... is my grandpa... really dead?"
"'Fraid so, broseph."
"I thought this was supposed to be a kid's movie!"

There are quite a few aspects to the plot that an adult mind might question more than a child's would; like the one where you have to go inside a pregnant woman's vagina in order to dislodge her unborn children, only to find them being harassed by a giant octopus blocking the way to the cervix. Can't we all just stop being so cynical and appreciate the octopus abortion sequence in the innocent spirit in which it was meant?
Zero Punctuation on Ni no Kuni: Wrath of the White Witch

    Web Original 

It's funny to think how we listen to Yellow Submarine in kindergarten, when in reality all four of the Beatles were high as shit when they wrote it.

It's like the Eichmann trial being held in Toys R Us. It's like a bright green water pistol filled with orphans' tears. It's like being murdered by being force-fed party balloons.
Shabogan Graffiti on the Doctor Who story "Delta and the Bannermen"

Immediately following this toy fight, Raw cut to live scenes of Steve Austin preparing to break into Brian Pillman’s home, where Pillman brandished a 9 mm Glock. The path to edgy, mature programming was not a smooth one for the WWF.

Imagine you wanted to sell fruit pies to children. You hire a writer to come up with an exciting advertisement starring Captain America and he hands you this — a nightmarish story scripted entirely in puns about a sweatshop owner whose dress patterns are actual screaming human women. Would you ask him to write you a new one? Of course not, because you're in six garbage bags. That guy was a murderer, you idiot.

It turns out that the Joker’s scheme was to get a hold of broadcasting equipment — something that he does on a pretty regular basis, now that I think of it — so that he can kidnap Commissioner Gordon and torture him on live television while Gotham City watches, to prove that the law has no real power.


That is the plot of this comic for tiny children. And it’s one of the best Joker stories I’ve ever read.
ComicsAlliance, "Why The Batman Adventures Is The Best Bat Comic Of The Nineties"

These are supposed to be for kids? Really? Holy shit, they are TERRIFYING. Every time my kid brings one home from the library, I shudder in fear. I think that I'll maybe get a reprieve and happen upon one that's too laughably dated to fill me with fear and dread, but NO. No, each one ends up being more terrifying than the last. My kid says these DVDs don't scare her but she's completely full of shit.
Drew Magary on Goosebumps, Make It Stop

Final Fantasy VII is the first and last game in the series to contain a brothel, and I'm not sure why the idea didn't catch on.

The Squinting Chanteuse yodeled out the children’s Christmas song 'I Want A Hippopotamus For Christmas' (Side note: When LeAnn sings that song, 'hippopotamus' is definitely a euphemism for something else) during the show and about 110 seconds into it, she opened up her coat and revealed her bootleg Madonna circa 1990 outfit. The pin-up Grinch went on to holler out more musical notes as she flashed her thigh highs and jiggled those chichis for the children.
Michael K., "Sarah Palin might want to move the battle lines to LeAnn Rimes’ house, because this is definitely a declaration of war on Christmas."

It’s JG Ballard done as children’s panto — something only Doctor Who could ever do. If you don’t want children’s panto JG Ballard then there is something a bit wrong with you.

The film is a misfire because you really don’t expect a stoner comedy out of a show like Land of the Lost. It’s like having an episode of Little House on the Prairie and having it be about mime rape. Oh wait, there was an episode where one of the characters got raped by a mime.
Miles Antwiler on The Land of the Lost

Chris: There’s also a bizarre bit in this scene where Donatello says that Casey is claustrophobic, and Casey gets mad because he thinks he said “homosexual,” and threatens to punch Don in the mouth. Good call on leaving that one in there, Movie For Ten Year-Olds From 1990.
Matt: The words don’t sound anything alike!
Chris: Casey’s a sports guy, so he’s probably had a few concussions.
—Chris Sims and Matt Wilson on Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

You see, despite its PG rating, Howard the Duck is weirdly sexual, with Lea Thompson being forced to make innuendo-laced conversation with a 2-foot-tall duck who is so stammeringly awkward about her obvious interest in him that I assume his fully erect duck penis must be an antlered, bone-crushing homunculus of arcane magic, and he dare not awaken it from its slumber.

Our future society is desperately bloodthirsty. When they fight, you see people just foaming at the mouth out of excitement at the destruction. It's a kid's movie!
Bayer and Snider, Movie B.S. on Real Steel

RK_Striker_JK_5: I think I forgot how effed up Sailor Moon could really get...
ANT Pogo: Yeah. "Cute show for little girls about a sailor-suited pretty soldier of love and justice who in reality is a ditzy middle-schooler and OH GOD OH FUCK WHAT WAS THAT WHAT DID I JUST SEE OH GOD!"

AUDIENCE: We did not think we were bringing our kids to a movie where… Clockwork Orange types… ran after girls in their underwear through forests. That was not something we thought.
— From a parody of The Little White Horse's film adaptation

Although there is no gratuitous gore or naked women, "Ga'Hoole" is still as awesome as any of Snyder's other movies. The action is still very present and gets really in-your-face should one be fortunate to see it in IMAX 3D. With artful wind-furrowed banners and slow-motion/fast-motion action sequences that he has become so famous for, Snyder has created something truly badass for all ages, as if he's found a way to make Jaegerbombs suitable for children and adults.

    Web Video 

The point of this fun, kid's SNES game is to run around and collect valuables from your house, and then when you collect them, deposit them into these safes which drop the items into a... sex dungeon?
JonTron plays Home Alone for the SNES

I collect official "BIG SERVICE" licensed merchandise. I have offic—oh, god! I have official 'BIG SERVICE' DOLLS... Official 'BIG SERVICE' brand clothing... And officially licensed 'BIG SERVICE' picture books?! Aaaaaaaahhhhhh...those are not appropriate for children!
Marriland, Pokémon Emerald Nuzlocke, Episode 6: "Big Service!"

Another classic film from Pixar: This time it's the post-apocalyptic family movie. Probably the last one in that genre we're gonna get — until we get that Thundarr the Barbarian remake I've been waiting on for so long.

    Real Life 

There was a dispute, 'cause Mary Whitehouse was criticizing us for being violent, and she didn't like me, because I said, 'The thing is, I think we're not nearly being violent enough.'

“C'mon, if you think Smurfette wasn't getting dozen-dicked round the back of the mushrooms and loving every blue inch, I don't know what show you were watching, pal.” As much as I hate that tedious, gallery-playing way of tainting our collective childhoods with a veneer of sleaze, there's no way around the fact that "Fatal Distraction" lurks inside the SBTB box set like a thirty-year-old predator outside of the school gates. And before we begin, voyeurism carries a maximum prison sentence of ten years. I just want to put that out there.
Stuart Millard on Saved by the Bell ("Fatal Distraction"), So Excited, So Scared