"Y'know, for kids!"
"Do you think God stays in heaven because he, too, lives in fear of what he created?"
"When I was a lad I didn't know what Frollo was singing
And now that I'm grown, I'm like 'AAAAHHHH! Frollo is a perv!'
"That bastard. I can't forgive him, not after he sent my grandpa to the Shadow Realm."
"The what realm?"
"You know, the Shadow Realm. The big, purply cloudy place that you go to when something really bad happens to you."
"I think you're talking about Hell."
"No, it's the Shadow Realm. You know, whenever people fall from a really tall building or they get stabbed in the chest, they go straight to the Shadow Realm. What, you guys don't have the Shadow Realm in the future?"
"I don't think that's a real thing."
"So, wait... is my grandpa... really dead?"
"'Fraid so, broseph."
"I thought this was supposed to be a kid's movie!"
Am I exaggerating? At one point, the evil Rat King (John Turturro) has his troopers snatch toys from the hands of children so they can be tossed into furnaces, and the smoke will emerge from high chimneys to blot out the sun... You may be in disbelief. I was. The Nutcracker in 3D is one of those rare holiday movies that may send children screaming under their seats. Their parents, naively hoping to see a sweet version of “The Nutcracker,” will be appalled or angry, take your choice."
"And half the jokes don't make sense! There's this scene where the woman...I think this girl's doing something like chewing gum. I don't know what she's doing, but, uh...not really misbehaving but uh...the woman sees it as misbehaving, so she grabs the girl by her pigtails, swings her around and tosses her! I'm like...WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?!?"
"A family picture!"
Servo: (as the kid) So evil wins, Grandpa?
Crow: (as Grandpa Borgnine) That's right, even your tiny soul is doomed.
Servo: (as the kid) No, Grandpa Borgnine, leave light and hope for me! Please!
Crow: (as Grandpa Borgnine) Get out from behind that cushion, Billy! It gets worse!
"Another classic film from Pixar: This time it's the post-apocalyptic family movie. Probably the last one in that genre we're gonna get — until we get that Thundarr the Barbarian remake I've been waiting on for so long."
"So basically, the point of this fun, kid's SNES game is to run around and collect valuables from your house, and then when you collect them, deposit them into these safes which drop the items into a... sex dungeon?"
"There are quite a few aspects to the plot that an adult mind might question more than a child's would, like the one where you have to go inside a pregnant woman's vagina in order to dislodge her unborn children, only to find them being harassed by a giant octopus blocking the way to the cervix. Can't we all just stop being so cynical and appreciate the octopus abortion sequence in the innocent spirit in which it was meant?"
"Imagine you wanted to sell fruit pies to children. You hire a writer to come up with an exciting advertisement starring Captain America and he hands you this — a nightmarish story scripted entirely in puns about a sweatshop owner whose dress patterns are actual screaming human women. Would you ask him to write you a new one? Of course not, because you're in six garbage bags. That guy was a murderer, you idiot. Did he have to come right out and hiss it in your ear while sharpening a knife?"
"You see, despite its PG rating, Howard the Duck is weirdly sexual, with Lea Thompson being forced to make innuendo-laced conversation with a 2-foot-tall duck who is so stammeringly awkward about her obvious interest in him that I assume his fully erect duck penis must be an antlered, bone-crushing homunculus of arcane magic, and he dare not awaken it from its slumber."
"After all, these are just simple movies made for kids and not adults at all. That's why they have: Assassination attempts. Sexual innuendo. Decapitations. Kidnap, torture, and suggested rape. Hookers. Boring political dialogue. Forced amputations. Drug dealing. Mass murder..."
"The film is a misfire because you really don’t expect a stoner comedy out of a show like Land of the Lost. It’s like having an episode of Little House on the Prairie and having it be about mime rape. Oh wait, there was an episode where one of the characters got raped by a mime. Anyway, you get what I’m saying."
"Final Fantasy VII is the first and last game in the series to contain a brothel, and I'm not sure why the idea didn't catch on."
—Pat R., "This Game Are Sick"
"Executioner’s association with [Paul] Bearer and Mankind would be immortalized in this action figure pack, allowing kids to recreate the fun of burying another person alive. Don’t judge; when I was five, I ran an angle with my action figures where Virgil accidentally killed Arn Anderson by knocking him off a chair in my kitchen."
"Our future society is desperately bloodthirsty. When they fight, you see people just foaming at the mouth out of excitement at the destruction. It's a kid's movie!"
— Bayer and Snider, Movie B.S. on Real Steel
"I collect official 'BIG SERVICE' licensed merchandise. I have offic-oh, god! I have official 'BIG SERVICE' DOLLS... Official 'BIG SERVICE' brand clothing... And officially licensed 'BIG SERVICE' picture books?! Aaaaaaaahhhhhh...those are not appropriate for children!"
RK_Striker_JK_5: I think I forgot how effed up Sailor Moon could really get...
ANT Pogo: Yeah. "Cute show for little girls about a sailor-suited pretty soldier of love and justice who in reality is a ditzy middle-schooler and OH GOD OH FUCK WHAT WAS THAT WHAT DID I JUST SEE OH GOD!"
AUDIENCE: We did not think we were bringing our kids to a movie where… Clockwork Orange types… ran after girls in their underwear through forests. That was not something we thought.
Although there is no gratuitous gore or naked women, "Ga'Hoole" is still as awesome as any of Snyder's other movies. The action is still very present and gets really in-your-face should one be fortunate to see it in IMAX 3D. With artful wind-furrowed banners and slow-motion/fast-motion action sequences that he has become so famous for, Snyder has created something truly badass for all ages, as if he's found a way to make Jaegerbombs suitable for children and adults.
"This story should have a higher rating than a K. Seriously, this story is much darker than anything else so far."