Quotes / Voodoo Shark


Wolverine: No, no, don't change the subject here. Why aren't you dead?
Magneto: Oh, that. Well, you see, that wasn't me.
Wolverine: Oh really now?
Magneto: It was actually Xorn's twin brother, possessed by the sentient mold Sublime, pretending to be me, pretending to be Xorn.
Beast: That defies all logic!
X-Men: Death Becomes Them (watch), regarding Magneto's supposed death. note 

Darwin: How come we can see you every day, but we need this to see [other ghosts]?
Carrie: Because I was born a ghost! Duh!
Darwin: How does that work?
Gumball: Duh! ...Actually, I have no idea.

Well, that answers that question, and raises so many others.
Grim, The Grim Adventures of Billy & Mandy, "Here Thar Be Dwarves"

Cubert: That's impossible. Nothing can go faster than the speed of light.
Farnsworth: No, no, no, of course not. That's why scientists increased the speed of light in 2092.
Futurama, "A Clone of My Own"

Real Life

The Loch Ness Monster is a submarine. Driven by Bigfoot.

That's what a voodoo shark is — when your story depends on something so moronic, that there's no way of explaining it without resorting to something that's equally stupid!
Chuck Sonnenberg, Opinionated Voyager Episode Guide, "The Cloud"

Hang on, hang on, hang on…Suzie set all this up from beginning to end under the assumption that she might die at some point and would need some kind of method to get herself brought back to life? She set up a revenge plan for somebody who she hasn’t even met yet? Argh! This script is such mouldy old dick cheese! It's so badly written it has me physically attacking my keyboard to slate it! Apparently if she dies and doesn’t see Max for three months he becomes a ticking time bomb and her orders kick in…It's the most convoluted load of fanny fluff; it's so full of holes and implausibilities it isn’t even worth discussing.

Rich: As Theodore Rex explained, all dinosaurs are mildly psychic when it comes to other dinosaurs.
Josh: I'm really glad you went back to pick up that plot detail, because the movie wouldn't make a lick of sense without it.
Jack: Also, I don't want to brush over what Rich Evans has just said... (everyone guffaws) These are not just dinosaurs living in the future; they are psychic, talking dinosaurs.
Rich: That concept has no payoff other than it's his only motivation to go on the case.

This entire setup convinces me that the screenwriters never actually saw the first movie, because in that movie, Connor knows no other immortals, and cannot recognize Ramirez or the Kurgan when he sees them. And he also seems to require training that he shouldn't need, because the "rules" for their exile were spelled out in exacting detail on Zeist. Maybe Connor was drifting off when the Zeist aliens were explaining, 'Oh by the way, the only way you can die is by getting your head chopped off. Remember that.' It gets funnier the more you think about it, since Connor also believed himself to be a normal human being until slain by the Kurgan. The argument holds less water than my sister on a road trip.

Then we finally get an actual explanation for why the Federation is working with our plastic surgery addicted villains: The Head-Staplers have the technology to harvest whatever the hell is in the rings, and the Federation doesn't. Since the planet is in Federation territory, a partnership was formed. We also learn that the harvesting will make the planet uninhabitable. And if the Head-Staplers just establish a colony of their own on the planet, it'll take ten years for the rings to begin to take effect. Is it just me, or is this script roughly 90% about plugging up all its own plot holes?

It turns out their lead suspect is married to a guy who Billy molested as a child, which I guess...explains his...psy...chic...link—I dunno, I dunno, I'm trying to make sense of it but I can't. "What the hell is going on with this psychic thing?" I don't know.

No, seriously.

Why does he have a psychic link...to the husband...of a boy...he molested as a child?

I know he's a priest. But priests don't have telepathy...I don't think?...so....please explain.

Chris: Lex doesn’t even have any reason to not like Clark now. The only thing that made him a bad person was Lionel and Clark being dicks to him for his whole life. But now he has NO MEMORY OF ANYTHING. He should be a decent guy!
David: Or a drooling invalid.
Chris: They’ve seriously taken away any reason he had to be evil, and just end up making him evil anyway. Like, it would actually be better if we got a scene where he finds a letter to himself that’s just a picture of Clark that says 'THIS GUY SUCKS' to explain it.
—Chris Sims and David Uzumeri on Smallville ("Finale")

Hahaha, thank you, Spider-Man, thank you for wrapping up this storyline in the most pointlessly absurd way possible. There’s nothing about this that I don’t adore. I love that the potential dramatic purpose of Mysterio’s double-masking is undercut by the strip revealing the truth after only one panel, and I sincerely hope the reasons behind it are never discussed or even mentioned. I love the fact that the “Dash” Dashell mask is presumably fixed in that glum expression. I love that he’s got glasses perched on top of the mask, and that those glasses apparently have transition lenses. I love the weird grimace Beck is making as the mask comes off, which is actually the sort of face you’d make if you were wearing a fishbowl full of water over a latex mask.

Seriously. Totally. Even that time you saw him walk through motherfucking walls. That was just… super-technology. Fucking hell, it’s like Marvel editorial wanted to solve the problem of a villain being convoluted and making no sense by seeing if they could get him to make even less sense.

Slowbeef: See, I loved how they tried to explain things away from the first game, but ended up fucking things up more.

Q: Why did the Wailord dropped a boulder on Bubble's adoptive mother Swampert?
A: the boulder was attached to that Wailord's underbelly, like Barnicles, and in its leap over Mama Swampert, the boulder detached itself.
Sonichu Q&A

"I think you just dug the plothole even deeper"
Commentary on The Prayer Warriors, in response to a belated parenthetical note saying that God told Jerry about The Mole.

"If the conspiracy is so big and evil, why hasn't it killed Jim? And how did crazy Oliver Stone's movie come out? The Conspiracy can kill the President but can't stop a shitty movie maker?"