Quotes / Mad Doctor

---

Anime and Manga

"[Cioccolata] would purposely misdiagnose healthy individuals to get them on his operating table. Part of his routine involved reducing their anesthesia, so they would wake up during surgery."

— Narrator, JoJo's Bizarre Adventure: Golden Wind (anime only)

Comic Books

"You don't like it? But almost everyone has two hands! Five digits? Pffff. How boring! You, now... you're interesting now!"

— Ratchet, Transformers: Shattered Glass

Fan Works

Katakura Kojuro: Any game you'd like to play next?
Katakura-Date-Sanada Tsukitora: Maybe we could play doctor?
Date Masamune: Alright. Just never ask Akechi to play along.

— Sengoku Basara fanfic The Start of my Life

Film

Fleming: Jones, field MD. Served in a POW enemy hospital. Did unnecessary surgery on enemy soldiers, with lethal results. Eight died.
Jones: I am a soldier of God. I just acted on command. The Angel of Death is my superior officer.

— Legion (1998)

Literature

"I can't tell you how excited I am. It's like Christmas, opening a present!"

— Bonesaw, Worm

"I hate to say this, but it is my experience that when a Doctor goes to the bad, he is a fouler and darker creature than the worst cut-throat. There was Huston, the acid-bath man, and Campbell, who brought the procrustean bed to Ealing..."

— The Consulting Detective, "A Study in Emerald"

Live-Action TV

"As the mad surgeon said, 'Mind if I cut in?'"

— Elvira, Mistress of the Dark

Music

Dr. Horror, Dr. Horror, your heart's of blackest kind
Dr. Horror, Dr. Horror, the raw perverted mind
Dr. Horror, Dr. Horror, mass-killer on the grind
Dr. Horror, Dr. Horror, a modern Frankenstein

— Running Wild, "Dr. Horror"

Got a little headache? You'd better call the medic.
Were you wanting anesthetic? Really, don't be so pathetic.
That burning is a bird within your sternum
That snuck in while I was working,
But I think a bloody dove is quite a lovely aesthetic!
You grazed your knee? Well, it seems to me
You need invasive exploratory surgery!
See, I may have a little uncertainty
Between patient, specimen? Blur to me!
Get the point of my syringes in your hiney?
I'll übercharge and buff you 'til you're shiny!
I could fix you quick with my Medi Gun;
The procedure's painless, but that's no fun!

— The Stupendium, "The Most Fashionable Faction"

Podcasts

"Do remember that the test is run by a sadistic piece of work who should be avoided at all costs."

— Eiffel, Wolf 359, Episode 3

Rides

"Here is something you seldom see: a living, breathing autopsy."

— The Caretaker, Universal's Halloween Horror Nights

Tabletop Games

"Don't worry. I assure you that you will feel absolutely everything."

— Zazeras the Maleficent, Black Crusade: The Tome of Excess

"You should be grateful. Once I remove your skin, you will feel so much cooler."

— Urien Rakarth, Master Haemonculus, Warhammer 40,000

"One more word out of you and I'll perform another unnecessary surgery!"

— Doctor Oscar Schneiderbunk, Visser M.D., Phoenix Command

The body is a machine, you see, imperfect in its design and cursed by mortal flaws. The Freak-Maker knows what these problems are, and he now devotes himself to fixing them — or making them worse — if such duties lead him to better understanding.

— Mage: The Sorcerer's Crusade — Infernalism

Amputations, sawing away at bones, cauterizing, all allow the Hack to vent his sadistic pleasures on fellow Skaven. It is hoped by their patients that in the process of this torturous examination that maybe the Hack is also doing the patient some good by eventually patching up the injuries.

— Warhammer Fantasy Roleplay: Skaven — Book of the Rat (1st ed)

Video Games

Steinman: Four-oh silk and... done.
Nurse: The nose looks terrific, Doctor Steinman! ...Doctor?
Steinman: You know, looking at it now... I didn't realize how much her face sags... Scalpel.
Nurse: Excuse me?
Steinman: Scalpel!
Nurse: Uh, doctor, she's not booked for a face lift...
Steinman: Let's just come in here and... [begins whistling cheerfully]
Nurse: Doctor, stop cutting. Doctor, stop cutting! Get me the chief of surgery! Get me the chief of surgery now!

— BioShock audio diary, "Not What She Wanted"

"But I've managed to slim back personnel by more than eighty people. Which means short term savings in salary and long-term savings in pension and health care costs. And I've been figuring out a lot about biology. I was on the fence about it before, but now I can say with absolute certainty that a person can't live without his kidneys. You learn something new every day."

— "Dr." Rick Trager, Outlast

"Absence. No other word captures the heart of Shar so very perfectly. It is the scalpel-led journey that leads from pain to peace. [stabs his patient, gouging out both his eyes] See? What is the light of eyes but the cancer that causes one to witness the laceration of being? If light is the symptom, then darkness is the cure, for in light there is presence, but in darkness there is absence."

— Malus Thorm, Baldur's Gate III

"Now this is gonna 'urt, a LOT! But you'll be bettah, you'll see!"

— Ork Mad Dok, Dawn of War

"When performing a lethal injection, it is essential that the needles be placed with absolute precision. And unlike standard medical procedures, with a lethal injection, you have a patient who probably does not want the procedure to occur. Therefore, it is of vital importance that the restraints be tight and strong. Even with that, trouble may arise, and it may be incumbent for the practitioner to take matters into his own hands, using whatever sharp, bladed objects he may have on his person. Lacerations to the body at strategic locations may put the patient into a state of shock making him far more pliable, or at the very least, causing him to bleed to death, thus achieving the desired end. Who are we kidding? We're not really trying to be humane anyway. Class dismissed."

— Dr. Killjoy, The Suffering

"I'M NOW GOING TO REMOVE YOUR LIVER!"

— Dr. Randolph, The Heilwald Loophole

Web Original

SCP-049: Oh, good doctor, I can assure you, the Pestilence is here, and I can sense it. It is my duty in life to rid the world of it. My cure is most effective.
Doctor: Your "cure?" Your cure has cost us hundreds of lives! Your cure is faulty!
SCP-049: Good doctor, my cure is most effective.

— SCP Foundation

"Vait, vait, it gets better: When ze patient woke up, his skeleton was missing, and ze doctor was never heard from again! Ahahahahahaha! Anyvay, zat's how I lost my medical license."

— The Medic, Team Fortress 2, "Meet the Medic"

Web Videos

"Oh no! The phrases I hate the most are: 'work hard', the second is 'hard work', and third is "raise your hand if it hurts!'"

— Joseph Joestar, Vaguely Recalling JoJo

Doctor 1: This man is going into shock!
Doctor 2: Quick, get him ten cc's of—
Dr. Eye: NO! GIVE HIM AIDS!

— 5 Second Films, "The Brilliant Dr. Eye"

"I am a doctor, after all, and I think the best thing for your condition is a well-earned trip. [shoves guard off a ledge] I think this guy needs a holiday, as well." [shoves another guard off the ledge]

— Cheru plays Hitman 2

Western Animation

Dr. Barber: Good news. You have the plague.
Patient: Why is that good news?
Dr. Barber: Because now I get to conduct medical experiments!

— The Marvelous Misadventures of Flapjack

Real Life

"I have never accepted that Mengele believed he was doing serious medical work. [...] He was exercising power. Major surgery was performed without anesthetic. Once I witnessed a stomach operation — Mengele was removing pieces from the stomach, but without any anesthesia. It was horrifying."

— Alex Dekel, Holocaust survivor

---