Kicking a kitten... A grown man punting a kitten who was looking the other way... It was the bravest thing I've ever seen.
—Torg, Sluggy Freelance at the end of the KITTEN story arc.
Mr Wonka looked first at Grandma Josephine. She was sitting in the middle of the huge bed, bawling her head off. "Wa! Wa! Wa!", she said. "Wa! Wa! Wa! Wa! Wa!"
—Charlie and the Great Glass Elevator Grandma had just been age-regressed to a baby by one of Wonka's treats.
GRRAAGGHH! *chomp, munch* GRRAAGGHHH!! *gulp*
Alright, we need to know where this store house is, because there is a guy there who is eating the burgers to produce fuel for his organic jetpack.
—Dr. McNinja, The Adventures of Dr. McNinja
Okay, bacon. BACON, DAMMIT!!!
Yes! I am the king of gay chicken!
Just then, Neville caused a slight diversion by turning into a large canary.
—Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire Neville ate a custard cream with a hex put on it; anyone who eats them turns into a canary.
Gwen: CHRIS CHRIS CHRIS! The Zingies! Caught by the tree, tied up, my hands are in Cody's pants, this trouble is BIG!
Tyler: ...Way to go Cody.
Must. Lick. Rod!
—Yami Bakura, Yu-Gi-Oh! The Abridged Series, "Fun In Yugi's Mind"
GET OUT OF MY PLANT'S MIND. >:(
—Roxy, Let's Play Pokémon Crystal Chapter 33 An opponent's Pokémon used Mind Reader on her Grass-type.
That was nothing like the back of the box. Where's my space lobster?
What manner of uncivilized ribcage is this, anyways?
Jesus is Magic? No, WHALES are Magic. They saved the Titanic with a giant pink octopus and horny mice!
Right now I'm kinda dealing with a war between regulation-happy Californians, insular technophile xenophobes, and slave-owning, skirtwearing homosexuals.
Jamie: How are we going to get out of here?
Adam: Mars, or 1947?
I am going to sneak up on my sister and eat her dog brain.
—Lobster Man, Axe Cop
Why do my nostrils whisper to me-e-e-e-e-e-e?
—Candace, Phineas and Ferb She's been exposed to hallucinogens.
Scott: And my escape will be a piece of cake, 'cause nobody's gonna get in the way of a giant mass of angry dogs walking down the street.
Rick: Especially if it's carrying a urinal.
We need to save Buffy from Hansel and Gretel.
—Giles, Buffy the Vampire Slayer
I just can't wait for the Better Homes and Gardens list of helpful tips for household reuse of sixteen-inch acrylonitrite-butadiene-styrene phalluses.
Nicole: Damn it, Sam, I don't want you to die on a flying building full of ninjas!
Sam: I don't want you to die on a flying building full of ninjas, either!
(They make out)
A short while ago I wrote a column on words we always mix up with other words, where I drew shoddy pictures of things like Superboy being shot out of a Superman-shaped cannon. This completely made sense in the context of the article.
—Cracked.com, 8 Words the Internet Loves to Confuse With Other Words One of the aforementioned mixups was "canon" and "cannon".
As soon as I put this hot poker in my ass, I'm going to chop my dick off!
The moose has my scent again! O!
People die if they are killed.
—Emiya Shirou, Fate/stay night It's a play on the Japanese idiom "won't die, even if you kill him," which means "tough."
And then, once I was charged into my clothes, I was a lot calmer than me, so-
—Generator, Whateley Universe, "Ayla and the Great Shoulder Angel Conspiracy"
You know, Darren, if you'd told me twenty-five years ago that some day I'd be standing here about to solve the world's energy problems, I would've said you were crazy. Now let's push this giant ball of oil out the window.
—Kramer, Seinfeld He was testing the idea of filling a giant rubber ball with oil and pushing it out the window to see if it can restrain the impact for the benefit of oil tankers.
By the authority granted to me by his imperial majesty Kaiser Wilhelm the Second, I now pronounce you man and wife. Proceed with the execution.
—Captain of the Louisa, The African Queen Getting married was the protagonists' last request.
Kanzaki: I don't want to see her be raped by machines.
Touma: Okay, that's it. How the hell can you say that when you've never even tried it?
I beat the shit out of some kids today, but it was for a purpose. It made me feel good about myself. It's like I did something constructive with my life, like I accomplished something.
—Willie Stokes, Bad Santa
Check his flower pot. Check his flower pot for gay porn. We desperately need those new dresses.
And there was a giant uvula hanging from the ceiling. Which is weird, because crabs don't have uvulas.
—From a post found on the Phineas and Ferb Wiki IRC The poster was talking about a dream they had.
We've known each other for almost two years now. And yeah, in that time I've given a lot of speeches, but they all have one thing in common: they're all different. These drug runners aren't going to execute Pierce because he's racist. It's a locomotive that runs on us, and the only sharks in that water are the emotional ghosts that I like to call fear, anchovies, fear, and the dangers of ingesting mercury. Because the real bugs aren't the ones in those beds. And there's no such thing as a free Caesar salad and even if there were, The Cape might still find a second life on cable, and I'll tell you why: el corazon del agua es verdad. That water is a lie! Harrison Ford is irradiating our testicles with microwave satellite transmissions. So maybe we ARE caught in an endless cycle of screw ups and hurt feelings, but I choose to believe that this is just the universe's way of molding us into some kind of super group [...] like the Traveling Wilburys of pain.
—Jeff Winger, Community It's actually a composite of several separate speeches, all of which took place offscreen at different points in the series.
I'm gonna eat spaceman paninis with Black Hitler, and there's nothing you can do about it!
—Troy Barnes, Community Troy has to choose between his friends and his trade school. Part of its entrance exam was held in a room with a black man dressed as Adolf Hitler and a spacesuit-clad man pressing paninis.
Now drop your weapon, or I'll kill him with this deadly jelly-baby!
—The Doctor, Doctor Who, The Face of Evil
It appears we have lost our sex appeal, captain.
—Tuvok, Star Trek: Voyager
Can you think inside a chimney? I didn't think so.
Mickey: What's a horse doing on a spaceship?
The Doctor: Mickey, what's pre-revolutionary France doing on a spaceship? Get a little perspective.
—Doctor Who, "The Girl in the Fireplace" The Doctor and co had discovered several portals on a spaceship including one in the shape of an antique fireplace, all of which leaded back to pre-revolutionary France
Baseballs have stitches! Are you saying that all baseballs are suspicious!?
—Phoenix Wright, Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney: Justice For All A bellboy has just been labeled as suspicious because he had stitches on his face. Phoenix is desperately trying to stall for time so the police can find his assistant's kidnapper in time.
Boner. Boner boner. Boner boning a boner. Boner boner. Erect penis.
I've been waiting my entire life to type [this]: One of the Rock and Roll Space Bandits switched to keytar mode and rocked the mind of a construction worker into hitting the giant lobster with a crane.
Yeah! I'm shooting ducks with a piano!
Woman's body found in Lawrence Welk
—Fark.com headline Lawrence Welk is the name of a local community.
If I smash the little hover-projector does the koala-god feel pain?
—Elf, Schlock Mercenary
I nearly collapsed in a vagina!
Everybody out of the god damn way. You got a hat full of bomb, a fist full of penis, and a head full of empty.
Three... Cows... Shot... Me... Down. HELP ME...
—The Vision, The Avengers Kree-Skrull War cover Reed Richards' punishment for the original 3 Skrull invaders was to force them to turn into cows and then erase their memories. They were eventually re-activated at the start of the Kree Skrull War and attacked the Vision as he was flying overhead.
I hear it's amazing when the famous purple stuffed worm in flapjaw space with the tuning fork does a raw blink on hari-kari rock. I need scissors. 61!
— Colonel Campbell, Metal Gear Solid 2: Sons of Liberty
Farewell Cavia. May a flight of space babies sing you to thine resting place.
— Youtube commenter on "Shadowlord"
Did Guy the Guy Guy get you a Baby Guy?
—Ted, How I Met Your Mother
"Mother, how could you choose your lover over me?"
"DEATH! DEATH! DEEEEEEAAAAAAAATH!!!!!!" (lean forward for kiss)
— Cracked.com, 7 Innocent Gestures That Can Get You Killed Overseas One of the gestures is half a dozen roses, symbolic of affection in the US and death in Russia.
It's time for me to stop runnin'. I need to believe what people tell me. Let all my fans know I love 'em, but a gay fish just can't live in the outside world forever. Don't be sad for me guys! I'm goin' home!
You see? We are apple pie!
—Rarity, My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic Earlier, Applejack used a metaphor for getting along with sisters that compared it to apple pie (you can have great apples and crust, but only together can you have a pie)
"[Y]ou can't have it both ways: You don't hire a Nazi clown to teach your kids about the Holocaust..."
—Cracked.com, The 5 Most Excessively Creepy Children's Educational Videos The article is using an analogy to explain what's wrong with something from one of said videos.
Are you Jesus, Fred Durst?
—David Wong, John Dies at the End
"WHO'S BEEN IN YOU, YOU FILTHY WHORE!?"
—Rage Rider to EZ Rider. Rage Rider is an Imagin, a monster who possesses people, and sticks to EZ Rider. His shock and rage comes when he notices the smell of another Imagin who had just recently possessed him.
"You're saying that we should send Carrot away to be a duck among humans because Bjon Stronginthearm is my uncle?"
— Dwarf King, Guards! Guards!!
"And in other news, a jumbo jet narrowly avoided colliding with a math book today..."
—News Reporter, a Foxtrot comic strip Jason's back-to-school homework was so light, it literally caused his backpack to float into the air and he had to unzip it to fall.
Commander Badass: Look, I'm sorry we uh, accidentally disintegrated Gackt with fish lasers before y'got a chance t'talk t'him, I'm man enough t'admit when I act irrationally an' fuck up.
Jung Ji-Hoon: It's okay, give it a month and he'll Advent Children or Dissidia himself back into the spotlight.
—Manly Guys Doing Manly Things Gackt, here a walking JRPG parody, has been vaporized by a Hyper Beam fired by a pet Gyarados. Jung Ji-Hoon wanted to ask him to stop making fighting robots in his image.
"So, Calvin's the Earth Potentate, Hobbes and Socrates are robots and you're a Pharaoh. All together an off day.''
Nostalgia Critic: She's funny and attractive! There's this really great scene where she ties Vince Vaughn to a bed and puts a sweaty sock in his mouth...
I realized that while this situation makes sense if you've been following along, for someone just coming in, it's complete nonsense.
George and Chadling have apparently merged, Mynd is there and missing his arms and legs, Proto Man is stuck in a block of cheese, Nate is spread all over everything in a fine mist, and they're all standing on a pile of ninjas.
You can see why Dr. Light is a little confused.
My dad's in a rabbit-worshiping cult called the Hare Club for Men, they protect the secret of Easter but before they said what it was they were attacked by ninjas and put me in charge of Snowball.
— Stan Marsh, South Park, Fantastic Easter Special
I was just temporarily lesbian because I was possessed by a zombie!"
— Dr. Lee,Skin Horse, Railway Children arc
"I GAVE YOUR WHOLE UNIVERSE CANCER"
—Karkat Vantas, Homestuck He was supposed to breed a frog with a specific genetic code, which would aid in the creation of a new universe. He made a mistake in doing so, resulting in a frog with a massive tumor and a flawed universe.
"'Allow me to compliment you on my Pyramid of Khufu, m'lady.'...That's my impression of Mickey Mouse visiting Egypt."
"Is anyone on fire? Yes, exceptionally so!"
—braincraft, a thread on RPG.net The thread's about a Flash-based GM emulator based on MYTHIC. braincraft is quoting an exchange with the program, which has poorly-done AI.
"Why would the shapeshifting pilgrim boy leave us at a time when the Detroit pineapple crop was being threatened by a giant potato bug?"
—Jimmy the Robot, The Aquabats! Super Show!
"Hello. My name is Elliot Moore. I'm just going to talk in a very positive manner, giving off good vibes. We're just here to use the bathroom, and we're just going to leave. I hope that's okay... Plastic. I'm talking to a plastic plant. I'm still doing it."
—Elliot Moore, The Happening Plants are forcing people to kill themselves. Elliot initially assumes that the plastic plant is real and tries to talk it out of doing so to him.
"So come on sandwich, build me a lemon because froggy wants to come home."
in case it wasn’t clear
the prince in the bull was the baby from the box who got killed
and then turned into a fruit tree
and then got eaten by a cow and then born as a bull
I don’t know why that wouldn’t be clear though)
—Myths Retold, "The Speckled Bull is Like The Speckled Band Except Not At All"
It's amazing that no one has yet blamed me for not being more proactive in the battle against the cow.
—Quentin "Q" Jacobsen, Paper Towns
"Mmm... Your love is delicious... Hee hee!"
"Perhaps I, Dio, should take off his pants..."
"I am a. Servant of humanity. Wielder. Of the rubber ball. You shall not pass!"
"If I had a penny for every time someone went crazy with magic crystal power, I'd be Abraham Lincoln"
"Ohh. Are you here for some..." (Batman punches her in the face.)
—Random Old Lady, The Batman The old woman is actually a plant clone made by the villainess Poison Ivy.
"I'm gonna lay eggs in that man's ears."
"I'M MY COUCH!"
— boogie2988 on the Xbox Kinect. The Kinect mistook him for a couch. This is his response when the device told him to move his couch.
Satan walked by, carrying a basket of carrots.
Whoops, sorry son. I didn't know you, Jay Leno and a monkey were bathing a clown.
—Homer Simpson, The Simpsons
Master has presented Dobby with clothes! Dobby is free!
—Dobby, Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets In House Elf culture, which is what Dobby is, if a master is to present a House Elf with clothes, it means they are (according to how they interpret it) either free or fired. Dobby took the former meaning.
Whoa, I thought she was topless for a minute...And then I realized she had no mouth, and she was a potato.
Yes, that's right. I'm a gay robot.
—Church, Red vs. Blue Church is sarcastically agreeing with Caboose's statement, since Caboose refuses to believe that Church has died and is now a ghost possessing a robot and that the seemingly-male mercenary Tex is actually Church's ex-girlfriend.
"After all, there's nothing better than a giant Zack Ryder and Nick Carraway from The Great Gatsby reincarnated as a sheep."
—NES Boy, this Square Root of Minus Garfield strip The strip was combining three earlier comics into one, all editing a strip where Jon leaps over Garfield exclaiming "Woo woo woo!". One replaced Garfield with a sheep and made Jon a giant, another replaced Garfield's dialogue with lines from Nick, and the last replaced Jon with Zack.
Gnomes! Capture the squirrel!
—Invader Zim Zim was ordering his security drones camouflaged as lawn gnomes to attack Dib, who was using a squirrel disguise.
I know those pots aren't flowers...they're my mother's vagina!
—Jack Donaghy, 30 Rock
This has never happened before. I'm finally in a three-way.
I'm not leaving here without that necktie.
—Fox, Fantastic Mr. Fox The necktie, which is made out of Fox's own severed tail, is being worn by the villain.
If you don't pee, I'm gonna die, Julian! Your pee could save my life.
—Toby, Julian Smith Dot TV, Urine This Together Julian's using the bathroom with the door open. Toby can't walk past the bathroom door under those circumstances until Julian's done, but Julian can't pee with Toby lingering outside, leaving them both at a deadlock. Also, Toby is being held at gunpoint by an intruder.
Just found out I somehow I became immortalized by becoming a troll... Hussie... to say I’m honored is an understatement.
—Dante Basco, this Tumblr post Hussie had designed a recently introduced troll character in Homestuck in Dante's image.
Sally: She cares about you so much she is upstairs about to have sex with another man.
Dick: [thrilled] She would do that for me?!