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Quotes: Drives Like Crazy


A taxidriverman is what I want to be
But there are no customers who want to ride with me
I don't know why, it could be that I'm almost blind
But every street in Calcutta I can find
—- Dr Bombay, Calcutta

If you croak when you're boldly embarking
And parallel-parking
And acing the written
Look out for that kitten!
No time for high-fiving
You're barely surviving
The dangerous Drusselstein Driving Test Waltz!

...His driving is like unto the driving of Jehu, for he driveth furiously.
Israelite Lookout, The Bible

I can't believe they locked me up for driving on the sidewalk! It was just a couple of miles...
Benny the Cab, Who Framed Roger Rabbit

And if you are still driving out there, please, be careful, there are some NUTS on the road!
Herman Cain

They don't call that guy 'Dangerous' for nothing.
DJ Atomika (describing Dangerous Dave's piloting skills), SSX 3

Chiyo: Um... since Yukari-sensei's car looks a bit more spacious, why not put three people over there?
Nyamo: Isn't it better for fewer people to die?

B-but... we ain't afraid of no rollercoasters no more.
Osaka (after her very first ride with Yukari), Azumanga Daioh

Yukari-sensei, stop. Stop the car. Drive like a normal person. I'm sorry. I'm sorry for every bad thing I ever did. I don't want to die. (trembling) Noooo... look out for the poor old man... (in tears) run for your life!!
Chiyo has some PTSD, Azumanga Daioh

Jake: Do you hate trash cans? Is that your problem? Do you just HATE TRASH CANS?!!
Marco: I can't drive with you screaming in my ear.
Jake: You can't drive at all!
Animorphs, "The Andalite's Gift"

There are no safety precautions that could prepare somebody for a car trip with Rosette.
Greg Ayres, referring to the character from Chrono Crusade

Aziraphale: Watch out for that pedestrian!
Crowley: (driving) It's on the street, it knows the risks it's taking!

Ziva: I'm driving.
Tony: I'm dead.
(later)
Ziva: I drove Tony. You could have slept all night if you wanted.
Tony: I tried, but the orchestra of blaring car horns kept me awake.
Ziva: We made good time.
Tony: Going ninety-five miles an hour on a dirt road I couldn't even see.
NCIS, "Lost and Found"

Ziva: I almost killed my entire team yesterday.
Jenny: How?
Gibbs: Driving home from a crime scene.
Jenny: I should have warned you. I think she was an Eastern European cab driver in a past life.
NCIS, "Silver War"

Eli: With traffic, I wasn't expecting you for another hour.
Ziva: I drove.
Eli: Enough said.
NCIS, "Aliyah"

Ziva: What is so hard? You go as fast as possible, when something gets in your way, you turn.
NCIS, and yes, she was completely serious.

Parker: Who knew a sedan could hit 140?
Sophie: Parker, you are never to get behind the wheel of a car again, okay?

Eliot: Damn it, Parker! Where'd you learn to drive?!
Parker:[nonchalantly] Before I stole cars I was a getaway driver.
Hardison': "Before"?! You started stealing cars when you were twelve!

Kermit: Where did you learn how to drive?
Fozzie: I took a correspondence course.

Jay driving us to school really did make me feel like royalty. Unfortunately, the royalty I felt like was Princess Diana.

"Mental note: Never, ever let Bertie drive a car in real life, I say!"
Gamechap, Game Chap, when Bertie is at the wheel in Need for Speed.

Martha: Blimey, did you have to pass a test to drive this thing?
Doctor: Yes, and I failed it.
Doctor Who, "The Shakespeare Code"

Polnareff: Why are you pressing down on the gas?! Brake! Brake! Step on the brake!
Kakyoin: Brake? The A button is the accelerator and the R button is to drift.
Polnareff: It ain't a game! Brake! Brake!

Denise: Peter, if the intent of your driving is to make me glad I can't see...
Peter: Hang on. That light six blocks away just turned yellow.

Road safety laws, prepare to be ignored!
Grunkle Stan, Gravity Falls, "Boyz Crazy"

Frankly, Dad didn't drive our car well at all. But he did drive it fast. He terrified all of us, but particularly Mother. She sat next to him on the front seat—with two of the babies on her lap—and alternated between clutching Dad's arm and closing her eyes in supplication. Whenever we rounded a corner, she would try to make a shield out of her body to protect the babies from what she felt sure would be mutilation or death.

Real Life

This guy's already driving like I intend to in this game!

I have driven in every major U.S. city, including Boston, where the motorists all drive as though there is an open drawbridge just ahead, and they need to gain speed so they can jump across it.

I have also driven in Italy, where there is only one traffic law, which is that no driver may ever be behind any other driver, the result being that at all times, all the motorists in the nation, including those in funeral processions, are simultaneously trying to pass.

I have ridden in a taxi in the Argentinean city of Mar del Plata (literally, "Cover your eyes"), where (a) nobody ever drives slower than 65 miles per hour, including inside parking garages, and (b) at night, many motorists drive with their headlights off, because—a taxi driver told me this, and he was absolutely serious—this extends the life of your bulbs. (When he told me this, we were in a major traffic jam caused by an accident involving a truck and a horse.)

I have also ridden on a bus in China, plowing through humongous traffic snarls involving trucks, cars, bicycles, ox-drawn carts and pedestrians, all aggressively vying for the same space, and where the bus driver would sometimes physically push pedestrians out of the way. I don't mean with his hands. I mean with the BUS.

My point is that I have seen plenty of insane driving techniques, and I am telling you for a fact that no place brings so many of these techniques together as Miami, where a stop sign has no more legal significance to most motorists than a mailbox. The police down here have given up on enforcing the traffic laws. If they stop you and find a human corpse in your trunk, they'll let you off with a warning if it's your first one.