I can't believe they locked me up for driving on the sidewalk! It was just a couple of miles...
— Benny the Cab, Who Framed Roger Rabbit
And if you are still driving out there, please, be careful, there are some NUTS on the road!
— Herman Cain
They don't call that guy 'Dangerous' for nothing.
— DJ Atomika (describing Dangerous Dave's piloting skills), SSX 3
Chiyo: Um... since Yukari-sensei's car looks a bit more spacious, why not put three people over there?
Nyamo: Isn't it better for fewer people to die?
B-but... we ain't afraid of no rollercoasters no more.
Yukari-sensei, stop. Stop the car. Drive like a normal person. I'm sorry. I'm sorry for every bad thing I ever did. I don't want to die. (trembling) Noooo... look out for the poor old man... (in tears) run for your life!!
— Chiyo has some PTSD, Azumanga Daioh
Marco: Would you shut up? I'm trying to drive here!
Jake: Car! Car! Car!
(driver flips off Marco)
Marco: That's rude. And totally uncalled for.
Marco: Oh, it's just a trash can. Chill out.
BAM! BAM! BAM!
Marco: Okay, so it's four trash cans.
Jake: Get off the sidewalk, you lunatic!
Marco: (yanks wheel right, bumps the sidewalk, grazes a parked car)
BAM! BAM! BAM!
Jake: Do you hate trash cans? Is that your problem? Do you just HATE TRASH CANS?!!
Marco: I can't drive with you screaming in my ear.
Jake: You can't drive at all!
— Animorphs, "The Andalite's Gift"
There are no safety precautions that could prepare somebody for a car trip with Rosette.
— Greg Ayres, referring to the character from Chrono Crusade
Aziraphale: Watch out for that pedestrian!
Crowley: (driving) It's on the street, it knows the risks it's taking!
Hang on. That light four blocks away just turned yellow.
(On being asked to participate in an experiment to go faster than the speed of light): You're talking nine-digit speeds. I've only flirted with four.
— Peter Fox, FoxTrot
Ziva: I'm driving.
Tony: I'm dead.
(later in the episode, Tony and Ziva arrive at the crime scene)
Tony: This is going to suck.
Ziva: Stop complaining.
Tony: Sorry. No sleep tends to do that to me.
Ziva: I drove Tony. You could have slept all night if you wanted.
Tony: I tried, but the orchestra of blaring car horns kept me awake.
Ziva: We made good time.
Tony: Going ninety-five miles an hour on a dirt road I couldn't even see.
Ziva: Then it's a good thing I was driving.
— NCIS, "Lost and Found"
Tony: Hey, not so fast!
Ziva: I always drive fast! Itís the best way to avoid possible IEDs and ambushes.
Tony: Youíre in America now. I wouldnít worry about it. How about this? Slow down or Iíll puke on you.
Ziva: Tony, why donít you like the American Civil War?
Tony: I donít want to talk about it.
McGee: Itís because of his father.
Tony: Was she talking to you, Probie?
Ziva: Oh. You didnít get along with your father. HmÖ explains a lot.
Tony: My father and I got along fine.
Ziva: If you say so. I think itís best to talk about things instead of burying them inside.
McGee: What about you? Your father? Deputy Director David, whatís he like?
Tony: Slow down, weíre taking the next left.
(The sound of car horns and screeching tires can be heard)
McGee: Ziva, car! Car! Car!
Ziva: Sorry. First time behind the wheel after a six-month mission in the UK.
(Cut to Tony driving, and Ziva with a put-upon expression on her face.)
Ziva: I said I was sorry.
(later in the episode)
Gibbs: [Ziva] almost killed my entire team yesterday.
Gibbs: Driving home from a crime scene.
Jenny: I should have warned you. I think she was an Eastern European cab driver in a past life.
— NCIS, "Silver War"
Eli: With traffic, I wasn't expecting you for another hour.
Ziva: I drove.
Eli: Enough said.
— NCIS, "Aliyah"
Vance: Most fathers teach their daughters to drive. I have you to blame for this?
Eli David: This she learned from her mother.
—NCIS, "Enemies Foreign"
Ziva: Slow drivers.
Tony: Bad drivers.
Ziva: What is so hard? You go as fast as possible, when something gets in your way, you turn.
— NCIS, and yes, she was completely serious.
Parker: Who knew a sedan could hit 140?
Sophie: Parker, you are never to get behind the wheel of a car again, okay?
Eliot: Damn it, Parker! Where'd you learn to drive?!
Parker:[nonchalantly] Before I stole cars I was a getaway driver.
Hardison: Before? You started stealing cars when you were twelve!
Shepard: I know.
Shepard: I know!
Shepard: Heh. There we go!
Liara: You're enjoying this!
A bit later...
— Mass Effect 2: Lair of the Shadow Broker
I drive really slow in the ultrafast lane / while people behind me are going insane.
— "I'm An Asshole", Dennis Leary
...His driving is like unto the driving of Jehu, for he driveth furiously.
— Israelite Lookout, The Bible
A taxidriverman is what I want to be
But there are no customers who want to ride with me
I don't know why it could be that I'm almost blind
But every street in Calcutta I can find
Calcutta, I am a taxidriver in
Calcutta, I drive my little taxi in
Calcutta, taxi taxi taxi in
Calcutta, I am a taxidriverman
I love to drive the taxi I like it very much
Even though I have no license I always find the clutch
I can drive without my hands I can drive without my feet
And I have no problem keeping taxi on the street
—- Dr Bombay, Calcutta
Turn, yield, halt
If you fail, you'll know who's at fault
Avoid vehicular assault
As you're doing the Drusselstein Driving Test Waltz!
Gas, shift, brake
Drinking coffee's a big mistake
Try not to plunge into the lake
When you're doing the Drusselstein Driving Test Waltz!
Use two hands when you steer her
Then check in the mirror
What you see may be nearer
Don't lay on the horn!
See the traffic cop bossing
Never drive when you're flossing
You'll wish you weren't born!
Only way to protect your health
Leave your friends all your hard-earned wealth
If you croak when you're boldly embarking
And acing the written
Look out for that kitten!
No time for high-fiving
You're barely surviving
The dangerous Drusselstein Driving Test Waltz!
Kermit: Where did you learn how to drive?
Fozzie: I took a correspondence course.
Jay driving us to school really did make me feel like royalty. Unfortunately, the royalty I felt like was Princess Diana.
—Will, The Inbetweeners
"Mental note: Never, ever let Bertie drive a car in real life, I say!"
Wife: You think Toonces will pass his driving test?
Husband: Uh, I don't know.. that written part is pretty hard - and he can't even read.
Wife: Maybe he'll make up for it on the driving part.
Husband: Damn! I wish I could help him!
[ dissolve to Toonces in the car with Driving Instructor ]
Driving Instructor: Alright, sir. If you'll just go ahead and pull out into traffic..
[ Toonces pulls out ]
Driving Instructor: Look out!! [ screams ]
[ show car flying over cliff ]
Jingle: "Toonces the Driving Cat."
Driving Instructor V/O: How does he reach the pedals?
Did a great figure eight
In the middle of the interstate
Martha: Blimey, did you have to pass a test to drive this thing?
Doctor: Yes, and I failed it.
— Doctor Who, "The Shakespeare Code"
EVA: Snake, leave the driving to me!
Naked Snake: Okay!
(One driving montage later)
EVA: Geez, Snake, why don't you try aiming!?
Polnareff: Oh, by the way, I'm surprised you can drive even though you're a highschooler.
Kakyoin: Yeah, I'm pretty decent at F-Mega.
Polnareff: That's a Video Game! Hey, switch out with me!
(Kakyoin is now driving terribly.)
Polnareff: Why are you pressing down on the gas?! Brake! Brake! Step on the brake!
Kakyoin: Brake? The A button is the accelerator and the R button is to drift.
Polnareff: It ain't a game! Break! Break!
(Kakyoin is still driving terribly.)
Polnareff: That's the gas! Switch with me! Switch with me!
Denise: Peter, if the intent of your driving is to make me glad I can't see...
Peter: Hang on. That light six blocks away just turned yellow.
Road safety laws, prepare to be ignored!
—Grunkle Stan, Gravity Falls, "Boyz Crazy"
First, though, you must understand that this was not just any old interstate. This was I-95 in downtown Miami, proud home of the worst darned drivers in the world.
I realize some of you are saying: Oh yeah? If you want to see REALLY bad drivers, you should come to MY city!
Listen, I understand that this is a point of civic honor, and I am sure that the drivers in your city are all homicidal morons. But trust me when I tell you that there is no way they can compete with the team that Miami puts on the road.
I know what I'm talking about. I have driven in every major U.S. city, including Boston, where the motorists all drive as though there is an open drawbridge just ahead, and they need to gain speed so they can jump across it.
I have also driven in Italy, where there is only one traffic law, which is that no driver may ever be behind any other driver, the result being that at all times, all the motorists in the nation, including those in funeral processions, are simultaneously trying to pass.
I have ridden in a taxi in the Argentinean city of Mar del Plata (literally, "Cover your eyes"), where (a) nobody ever drives slower than 65 miles per hour, including inside parking garages, and (b) at night, many motorists drive with their headlights off, because-a taxi driver told me this, and he was absolutely serious-this extends the life of your bulbs. (When he told me this, we were in a major traffic jam caused by an accident involving a truck and a horse.)
I have also ridden on a bus in China, plowing through humongous traffic snarls involving trucks, cars, bicycles, ox-drawn carts and pedestrians, all aggressively vying for the same space, and where the bus driver would sometimes physically push pedestrians out of the way. I don't mean with his hands. I mean with the BUS.
My point is that I have seen plenty of insane driving techniques, and I am telling you for a fact that no place brings so many of these techniques together as Miami, where a stop sign has no more legal significance to most motorists than a mailbox. The police down here have given up on enforcing the traffic laws. If they stop you and find a human corpse in your trunk, they'll let you off with a warning if it's your first one.
Frankly, Dad didn't drive our car well at all. But he did drive it fast. He terrified all of us, but particularly Mother. She sat next to him on the front seat—with two of the babies on her lap—and alternated between clutching Dad's arm and closing her eyes in supplication. Whenever we rounded a corner, she would try to make a shield out of her body to
protect the babies from what she felt sure would be mutilation or death.
"Not so fast, Frank, not so fast," she would whisper through clenched teeth. But Dad never seemed to hear...