Quotes: Drives Like Crazy

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    Anime and Manga 

Chiyo: Um... since Yukari-sensei's car looks a bit more spacious, why not put three people over there?
Nyamo: Isn't it better for fewer people to die?

B-but... we ain't afraid of no rollercoasters no more.
Osaka after her very first ride with Yukari, Azumanga Daioh

Yukari-sensei, stop. Stop the car. Drive like a normal person. I'm sorry. I'm sorry for every bad thing I ever did. I don't want to die. (trembling) Noooo... look out for the poor old man... (in tears) run for your life!!
Chiyo has some PTSD, Azumanga Daioh

    Fan Fiction 

"Um... Kaji-san? Aren't we going to have to stop and wait for the vehicle transport train?" Shinji asked nervously, noting they weren't slowing down as they shot through the caution-striped metal gateway.
"Ordinarily, yes, Shinji-kun..." Kaji said absently as they skidded sideways past the 'STOP HERE FOR LOADING' signs and barriers. "But during an Angel alert, they lock down the trains at the depo in the Geofront to save power and reduce MAGI load. So right now the tracks are empty and it would take too long for a train to get up here. So this is faster."
The edge of the drop onto the track was coming closer very fast. "Um... what's faster?" Asuka asked even more worriedly.
"The direct approach," Kaji said with a smile as he aimed the car at the tracks on a shallow angle.
They shot over the edge and onto the tracks at over 120 kph, to the chorus of the Children screaming in alarm. The darkness of the train tunnel into the Geofront loomed in front of them, angling steeply down.

    Film — Live-Action 

Kermit: Where did you learn how to drive?
Fozzie: I took a correspondence course.

I can't believe they locked me up for driving on the sidewalk! It was just a couple of miles...
Benny the Cab, Who Framed Roger Rabbit

    Literature 

Jake: Do you hate trash cans? Is that your problem? Do you just HATE TRASH CANS?!!
Marco: I can't drive with you screaming in my ear.
Jake: You can't drive at all!
Animorphs, "The Andalite's Gift"

Frankly, Dad didn't drive our car well at all. But he did drive it fast. He terrified all of us, but particularly Mother. She sat next to him on the front seat — with two of the babies on her lap — and alternated between clutching Dad's arm and closing her eyes in supplication. Whenever we rounded a corner, she would try to make a shield out of her body to protect the babies from what she felt sure would be mutilation or death.

Aziraphale: Watch out for that pedestrian!
Crowley: It's on the street, it knows the risks it's taking!

    Live-Action TV 

Martha: Blimey, did you have to pass a test to drive this thing?
Doctor: Yes, and I failed it.
Doctor Who, "The Shakespeare Code"

Jay driving us to school really did make me feel like royalty. Unfortunately, the royalty I felt like was Princess Diana.
Will, The Inbetweeners

Parker: Who knew a sedan could hit 140?
Sophie: Parker, you are never to get behind the wheel of a car again, okay?

Eliot: Damn it, Parker! Where'd you learn to drive?!
Parker: [Nonchalantly] Before I stole cars I was a getaway driver.
Hardison: "Before"?! You started stealing cars when you were twelve!

Ziva: I'm driving.
Tony: I'm dead.
[Later]
Ziva: I drove Tony. You could have slept all night if you wanted.
Tony: I tried, but the orchestra of blaring car horns kept me awake.
Ziva: We made good time.
Tony: Going ninety-five miles an hour on a dirt road I couldn't even see.
NCIS, "Lost and Found"

Gibbs: [Ziva] almost killed my entire team yesterday.
Jenny: How?
Gibbs: Driving home from a crime scene.
Jenny: I should have warned you. I think she was an Eastern European cab driver in a past life.
NCIS, "Silver War"

Eli: With traffic, I wasn't expecting you for another hour.
Ziva: I drove.
Eli: Enough said.
NCIS, "Aliyah"

What is so hard? You go as fast as possible, when something gets in your way, you turn.
Ziva, and yes, she was being completely serious, NCIS

    Music 

A taxi driver man is what I want to be
But there are no customers who want to ride with me
I don't know why, it could be that I'm almost blind
But every street in Calcutta I can find
—- Dr Bombay, "Calcutta"

One foot on the brake and one on the gas, hey!
Well, there's too much traffic, I can't pass, no
So I tried my best illegal move
A big black and white come and crushed my groove again
Go on and write me up for one twenty five
Post my face, wanted dead or alive
Take my license, all that jive
I can't drive fifty-five
Sammy Hagar, "I Can't Drive 55"

Oh the low road goes from Killorglin all the way down to Annascaul;
When Casey came to guide us he never used his brakes at all.
A trail of sheepdogs littered Kerry from Killorglin to Macroom,
He might have been our souls' salvation but he also was the sheep dog's doom.
Christy Moore, "Casey" (song by Martin Egan)

    Mythology and Religion 

His driving is like unto the driving of Jehu, for he driveth furiously.
— Israelite Lookout, The Bible

    Newspaper Comics 

Denise: Peter, if the intent of your driving is to make me glad I can't see...
Peter: Hang on. That light six blocks away just turned yellow.
FoxTrot

    Video Games 

They don't call that guy "Dangerous" for nothing.
DJ Atomika describing Dangerous Dave's piloting skills, SSX 3

    Web Original 

There are no safety precautions that could prepare somebody for a car trip with Rosette.
Greg Ayres, referring to the character from Chrono Crusade

Even though giant toothy ball of batshit crazy Gary Busey is playing life on Expert Level at all times, sometimes he fucks up and backs his car into a person in the parking lot of a grocery store. We all make mistakes, but Gary Busey’s are just that much more WTF worthy... Instead of looking both ways behind him as he backed his car out of his parking spot, he was all “T.Y.I.G – trust your instincts, Gary” and just pulled out.

Unfortunately, there was a woman walking past his car when he pulled out and he hit her. But don’t worry, the woman Gary hit is fine. She suffered minor injuries, and was treated by paramedics before being released from the scene. However I’m sure the image of Fire Marshall Bill’s crazy grampa that flashed across the rear-view mirror moments before she was plowed down will haunt her forever.
DListed, "What Did Gary Busey Do On Friday? Oh, Not Much, Just Backed His Car Into A Lady"

Mental note: Never, ever let Bertie drive a car in real life, I say!
GameChap, when Bertie is at the wheel in Need for Speed

This guy's already driving like I intend to in this game.

Polnareff: Why are you pressing down on the gas?! Brake! Brake! Step on the brake!
Kakyoin: Brake? The A button is the accelerator and the R button is to drift.
Polnareff: It ain't a game! Brake! Brake!

    Western Animation 

Road safety laws, prepare to be ignored!
Grunkle Stan, Gravity Falls, "Boyz Crazy"

Belt yourself
Only way to protect your health
Leave your friends all your hard-earned wealth
If you croak when you're boldly embarking
And parallel-parking
And acing the written
Look out for that kitten!
No time for high-fiving
You're barely surviving
The dangerous Drusselstein Driving Test Waltz!

    Real Life 

I have driven in every major U.S. city, including Boston, where the motorists all drive as though there is an open drawbridge just ahead, and they need to gain speed so they can jump across it.

I have also driven in Italy, where there is only one traffic law, which is that no driver may ever be behind any other driver, the result being that at all times, all the motorists in the nation, including those in funeral processions, are simultaneously trying to pass.

I have ridden in a taxi in the Argentinean city of Mar del Plata (literally, "Cover your eyes"), where (a) nobody ever drives slower than 65 miles per hour, including inside parking garages, and (b) at night, many motorists drive with their headlights off, because—a taxi driver told me this, and he was absolutely serious—this extends the life of your bulbs. (When he told me this, we were in a major traffic jam caused by an accident involving a truck and a horse.)

I have also ridden on a bus in China, plowing through humongous traffic snarls involving trucks, cars, bicycles, ox-drawn carts and pedestrians, all aggressively vying for the same space, and where the bus driver would sometimes physically push pedestrians out of the way. I don't mean with his hands. I mean with the BUS.

My point is that I have seen plenty of insane driving techniques, and I am telling you for a fact that no place brings so many of these techniques together as Miami, where a stop sign has no more legal significance to most motorists than a mailbox. The police down here have given up on enforcing the traffic laws. If they stop you and find a human corpse in your trunk, they'll let you off with a warning if it's your first one.

And if you are still driving out there, please, be careful, there are some NUTS on the road!
Herman Cain