Recap / Birds of a Feather S5E3: Non-Starter

Sharon: I have been in a car before, y'know.

Tracey: Yes, only drivin' school cars. Y'know, with duel controls. At least 'e could 'it the brakes when 'e wanted to, all I can 'it is you.

— Tracey Stubbs warning Sharon Theodopolopodous before taking her for a driving lesson.

• Date First Aired: 19/09/1993

Sharon is away on a driving lesson when Dorien comes in. At the same time, Chris and Darryl are due to be moved into the High Down Prison. Dorien reveals that she is trying to sell out her furniture and that she put an ad in the newspaper to do so, using Tracey's phone number to do so. The sisters are able to convince Dorien to share some of the proceedings with them. Meanwhile, Sharon is not having fun at her driving tests, believing that it was her driving instructor which is impeding her progress. She thus gets Tracey to teach her.

The driving lessons go wrong, and Tracey's nerves get shot. As Dorien struggles with selling her stuff, considering going with more shady sellers, Darryl and Chris are transferred earlier than thought. This comes during yet another driving lesson, ending with the two crashing and the girls being briefly suspected of causing a jailbreak. They also make it on the news but end up making the joke spot, and Sharon decides to put the lessons on hold until she finds a better driving instructor. Dorien also gets a deal, ending with the sisters owing her money.

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Tropes In This Episode:

• Accidental Misnaming: Warder Flowers doesn't know how to pronounce Theodopolopodous.
  Tracey: No, I am Mrs. Stubbs. Mrs. Theodopolopodus was drivin'.
  Warder Flowers: Stubbs? Theodopolopolopolous? I’ve got their 'usbands on board.
• Ass Shove:
  • Sharon threatens one after another terrible driving lesson.
    Sharon: Another hour like that, an' I'll roll up me Highway Code really tight an' give him haemorrhoids f'the rest of his life.
  • Dorien gives Tracey and Sharon this advice after Deirdre wears her patience thin:
    Dorien: An' if Deirdre rings back, tell her to stick that tallboy where it fits.
• Black Comedy Pet Death: Sharon smashes a hedgehog while driving.
  Tracey: Come on, let me take over now. You're gettin' dangerous.
  Sharon: I'm not! Everyone flattens 'edge'ogs.
• Compensating for Something: Sharon thinks driving instructors make women feel small because they're small themselves.
• Continuity Nod:
  • Darryl tells Chris that moving to High Down wont give him his left testicle back, referring to how it was removed in "Parting".
  • Chris notes that the amount of police officers that came after Sharon's car crash was three times the amount that came after his and Darryl's bank job.
• Deadpan Snarker: Tracey and Sharon both turn into one when Dorien reveals she gave out their phone number to sell her used furniture.
  Dorien: Oh, good God, it's only an advert for some furniture. I mean it's not as if I've advertised a massage parlour and put your phone number on it!
  Sharon: Oh, lucky us! Phew, that was close. Put the baby oil away Trace, we've just had a narrow escape.
  Tracey: We coulda spent the rest o' the day makin' a lot of old men very happy!
• Does Not Drive: After spending the whole episode trying to learn how to drive, Sharon decides to give her attempts a break.
  Sharon: Yes, well I've decided to give the driving a rest for a while. Till I get a better teacher.
  Tracey: A different teacher.
  Sharon: Yes, a different teacher. (Beat) Who's better.
• Double-Meaning Title: The title refers both to Sharon's attempts to drive well and Dorien's attempt to sell unwanted furniture being a non-starter.
• Do You Want to Haggle?: Dorien and Sharon have a back and forth over how much money Dorien will give Sharon from using her phone to sell used furniture.
  Dorien: Oh alright, I'll cut you in on the profit, how about that? I'll give you 5%.
  Sharon: Fifteen.
  Dorien: Ten.
  Sharon: Thirty.
  Dorien: No, that’s not how you do it! You're sposed to stop at the figure halfway between!
  Sharon: Ok. So halfway between ten and thirty is twenty. Let's say 20%, yeah, done?
  Dorien: 20%?!
  Tracey: Or no phone.
  Sharon: Done?
  Dorien: Well, it certainly seems like it!
• Drives Like Crazy: Sharon does not drive very well, much to the horror of Tracey and the driving instructor.
  Dorien: No Sharon?
  Tracey: She's out doin' 'er drivin' lesson.
  Dorien: Ah. Thought the streets of Chigwell were very quiet.
  Tracey: She only been gone 'alf an hour, she carn 'ave killed everyone.
• Embarrassing Damp Sheets: When Dorien is trying to sell her mattress over the phone, she tells the potential buyer that only her mother uses it, so the person asks her if her mother is incontinent.
• The Ghost: Deirdre, who drives Dorien crazy trying to buy her used furniture over the phone.
• I Need a Freaking Drink: Both Tracey and Sharon end up needing one after a particular driving lesson gone wrong.
  Sharon: I need a drink.
  Tracey: I need one more.
• Mondegreen Gag: When Dorien is trying to sell her used furniture over the phone:
  Dorien: No, one double wardrobe, one single mattress and matching headboard. No, "headboard", you stupid woman. Why would a mattress have a matching breadboard? Oh, go away!
• Noodle Incident: Tracey teaching Sharon to drive ended with an encounter with a bus that left Tracey terrified, although Sharon isn't bothered.
• One-Shot Character: Warder Flowers.
• Potty Failure: A person on the phone asks Dorien if her mother is incontinent.
• Remember the New Guy?: Chris and Darryl mention they've known Warden Flowers for four years now, yet he never appeared before this episode.
• Shout-Out:
  • Darryl snarks that High Down Prison is so good that people are putting their kids names down for it instead of Harrow School.
  • Darryl tells Chris that he won't turn into Mel Gibson if he goes to High Down.
  • Chris wears a The Blues Brothers T-shirt when Warder Flowers tells him and Darryl to pack their things.
• Speak in Unison: Tracey and Sharon both say the final line of the episode together.
  Tracey/Sharon: 'E charged 'er 'undred quid to take it away!
• Take That!: Dorien has distaste for certain areas.
  Dorien: Will I deliver?! Me?! Deliver a wardrobe, to Croydon?! I mean rude! I have had my furniture insulted from as far away as Orpington and Sudbury!
• Teeny Weenie: Dorien gives a measurement of two and a half inches over the phone, leading Sharon to remark:
  Sharon: She ain't floggin' Marcus an' all, is she?
• Vulnerable Convoy: The van that is carrying Chris and Darryl ends up colliding with Sharon and Tracey's car.
  Chris: An' you was worried they was gonna miss us.

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