Quotes: Asspull

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"Here the story should really end, for, in real life, the forlorn old man would have little to look forward to but death. The author took pity on him and has provided a quite improbable epilogue."
— Only text displayed in the silent film The Last Laugh (Der letzte Mann).

"Akiha...? What do you mean by Nee-san?"
"I mean Nee-san. Now that I think about it, I had a twin older sister...!"
"You had an older sister... that's a bit of a sudden statement."
Even though this is a parody, this is too much. It's no fun if you don't lay down any groundwork or foreshadowing.
"I don't care about that...!"
Kagetsu Tohya, ("Imogirisou")

"A hawk summon, where did he get that?"
Tobi/Obito (pretending to be Madara), Naruto

"Think about it! What you've done is utterly ridiculous! And that's saying something in a world where people can make water dragons using sign language!"
Deidara in this Naruto fan comic strip, about the infamous "Great Snake Escape".

Fake Kidnapper: Come on, get in the trunk!
George: What about my ankle monitor?
Fake Kidnapper: We have an ankle monitor deactivator!
George: Oh, good. See, I've been meaning to get one of those.

Yzma: Oh, my! Looking for this? *holds the human transformation potion*
Kuzco: No! It can't be! How did you get back here before us?!
Yzma: Ah... How did we, Kronk?
Kronk: Well, ya got me. *pulls down a chart of the previous chase* By all accounts, it doesn't make sense.

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...I said to Eric Saward, the script editor, 'When I’m tying Peri to this rock and threatening to torture her, am I doing it for some subtle reason of my own, because I think I’m being watched or whatever, or because I’ve been affected by the mind probe, or is the Matrix lying?' Those were the three alternatives as I saw it. He said 'I don’t know, you’d better ask Philip Martin', so I got in touch and gave him those three alternatives, he said 'I don’t know, Eric wrote the trial stuff, all the Matrix stuff was added after, by Eric, you’d better ask him.' So I went to John Nathan-Turner, he said 'Oh, whichever you like.'

'Support character was evil all along' does NOT constitute 'character development.' What that is is 'arse pull.'

It's like wire work for plot. Bad wire work.
Neal Bailey on Smallville ("Vengeance")

David: I guess this mirrors the thing with Jimmy Olsen — are you aware of this? That Jimmy used to be on the show, and they killed him off?
Chris: I’d heard that.
David: And then they cut to his little cousin Jimmy Olsen a few states away?
Chris: Okay, that part I was not aware of.
David: Yeah. That Happened.
—Chris Sims and David Uzumeri on Smallville ("Shield")

It's not so much timey-whimey as it is bullshit-woolshit.

Hahaha, thank you, Spider-Man, thank you for wrapping up this storyline in the most pointlessly absurd way possible. There’s nothing about this that I don’t adore. I love that the potential dramatic purpose of Mysterio’s double-masking is undercut by the strip revealing the truth after only one panel, and I sincerely hope the reasons behind it are never discussed or even mentioned. I love the fact that the “Dash” Dashell mask is presumably fixed in that glum expression. I love that he’s got glasses perched on top of the mask, and that those glasses apparently have transition lenses. I love the weird grimace Beck is making as the mask comes off, which is actually the sort of face you’d make if you were wearing a fishbowl full of water over a latex mask. I love the fact that all this time we’ve been set up to think that Rory McCormick, the douchey special effects guy, is Mysterio, but it turns out to be some other dude we’ve never even heard of before this point. The only way I could possibly be happier would be if Spidey pulled off the Quentin Beck mask only to discover McCormick’s face underneath.

Janette comes back, and it turns out she's mortal! When she left, she fell in love with a human. They made love, and she started to feed on him—but she stopped, and his blood...warmed her heart? I-I guess? Her heart grew three sizes that day. Like a sexy Grinch.
Allison Pregler on Forever Knight, "The Human Factor"

Kicking off this abysmal piece of television, Ianto’s idea of a good night in is to order in a pizza and share it with his half converted Cyber-girlfriend. Until this point Ianto has been a nobody, a bland background smell, but here we get to find out about his sordid shenanigans. We were better off not knowing. He blubbers uncontrollably throughout, and once he manages to sneak the Doctor in to examine his pet and the guy is slaughtered, Ianto has the audacity to scream "it's all my fault!" as if there was ever any doubt. When asked to account for himself Ianto goes on a tirade about clearing up their shit and nobody asking anything about his life — what the hell? This is how you get some attention? Despite trying to murder all of his friends Ianto still tries to reason with Lisa, holds a gun on his friends and tries to save her! None of this makes any sense! Why is it that if Ianto thinks Jack is such a monster and worse than anything they have banged up in Torchwood that he ends up shagging him in three episodes time? Did they have read-throughs and writers' conferences? By the end of this episode you really want Ianto to die horribly because all he does is shriek and blubber like a baby; that’s not development. Why do they let Ianto keep working with them after the girlfriend that he sneaked into their workplace besieged them all? Not one second rings true.

In my previous article, I stated that Brett Dalton as Agent Ward was 'about as expressive as a cardboard box full of styrofoam peanuts', and that hasn’t changed, even despite the reveal that he was an agent of HYDRA all along. I can’t say for certain that the writers totally pulled his heel turn out of their asses, but it sure feels that way. I doubt rewatching those early episodes would reveal any clues about Ward’s true loyalties that we didn’t notice before, and Brett Dalton himself had no inkling of the twist until 15 episodes in.

"out of David cage's flaming asshole is where that came from"
— two best friends play beyond two souls

Matt: “Mortal Kombat cannot be won by treachery.” They’re just making this s**t up!
Chris: I almost feel bad for Shang Tsung at this point. You know they were like “Okay, if you win this tournament you can invade Earth” and then he did and they were like “oh sorry, we meant if you win it… ten times?”
Matt: He’s a victim of bureaucracy, man....It’s like when a four-year-old tells you a joke. They get to a place where they remember something they were supposed to say earlier, then add it in too late.
—Chris Sims and Matt Wilson on Mortal Kombat

We finally learn the secret of the immortals. Turns out they're all aliens from planet called Zeist, exiled to live on Earth for all eternity. I'm not making this up. Zeist. All of the immortals are shown in a group together, exiled for some kind of revolution. To this day, I enjoy how richly Zeistian the names 'MacLeod' and 'Ramirez' are... This entire setup convinces me that the screenwriters never actually saw the first movie, because in that movie, Connor knows no other immortals, and cannot recognize Ramirez or the Kurgan when he sees them. And he also seems to require training that he shouldn't need, because the "rules" for their exile were spelled out in exacting detail on Zeist. Maybe Connor was drifting off when the Zeist aliens were explaining, 'Oh by the way, the only way you can die is by getting your head chopped off. Remember that.' It gets funnier the more you think about it, since Connor also believed himself to be a normal human being until slain by the Kurgan. The argument holds less water than my sister on a road trip.
Noah Antwiler on Highlander II: The Quickening

"So, lemme see if I understand this: Prometheus said he didn't know who the Shade was, but apparently the device he had planted was specifically designed to counteract his powers. What a convenient device! Oh, and the super-duper-maxi-extreme-ultra devices can counteract the magic of the REAL Captain Marvel too. Look, there's smart villains, clever planning, and then there's just pulling crap outta your ass!"