Quotes: Asspull

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"Here the story should really end, for, in real life, the forlorn old man would have little to look forward to but death. The author took pity on him and has provided a quite improbable epilogue."
— Only text displayed in the silent film The Last Laugh (Der letzte Mann).

"Akiha...? What do you mean by Nee-san?"
"I mean Nee-san. Now that I think about it, I had a twin older sister...!"
"You had an older sister... that's a bit of a sudden statement."
Even though this is a parody, this is too much. It's no fun if you don't lay down any groundwork or foreshadowing.
"I don't care about that...!"
Kagetsu Tohya, ("Imogirisou")

"A hawk summon, where did he get that?"
Tobi/Obito (pretending to be Madara), Naruto

"Think about it! What you've done is utterly ridiculous! And that's saying something in a world where people can make water dragons using sign language!"
Deidara in this Naruto fan comic strip, about the infamous "Great Snake Escape".

Fake Kidnapper: Come on, get in the trunk!
George: What about my ankle monitor?
Fake Kidnapper: We have an ankle monitor deactivator!
George: Oh, good. See, I've been meaning to get one of those...

Yzma: Oh, my! Looking for this? *holds the human transformation potion*
Kuzco: No! It can't be! How did you get back here before us?!
Yzma: Ah... How did we, Kronk?
Kronk: Well, ya got me. *pulls down a chart of the previous chase* By all accounts, it doesn't make sense.

     real life 
"...I said to Eric Saward, the script editor, 'When I’m tying Peri to this rock and threatening to torture her, am I doing it for some subtle reason of my own, because I think I’m being watched or whatever, or because I’ve been affected by the mind probe, or is the Matrix lying?' Those were the three alternatives as I saw it. He said 'I don’t know, you’d better ask Philip Martin', so I got in touch and gave him those three alternatives, he said 'I don’t know, Eric wrote the trial stuff, all the Matrix stuff was added after, by Eric, you’d better ask him.' So I went to John Nathan-Turner, he said 'Oh, whichever you like.'"

"'Support character was evil all along' does NOT constitute 'character development.' What that is is 'arse pull.'"

"It's not so much timey-whimey as it is bullshit-woolshit."

"It's like wire work for plot. Bad wire work."
Neal Bailey on Smallville ("Vengeance")

David: I guess this mirrors the thing with Jimmy Olsen — are you aware of this? That Jimmy used to be on the show, and they killed him off?
Chris: I’d heard that.
David: And then they cut to his little cousin Jimmy Olsen a few states away?
Chris: Okay, that part I was not aware of.
David: Yeah. That Happened.
Chris Sims and David Uzumeri on Smallville ("Shield")

"Janette comes back, and it turns out she's mortal! When she left, she fell in love with a human. They made love, and she started to feed on him—but she stopped, and his blood...warmed her heart? I-I guess? Her heart grew three sizes that day. Like a sexy Grinch."
Obscurus Lupa on Forever Knight, "The Human Factor"

"Kes returning should be a chance for a celebration of her character, but instead she is twisted horrifically out of character, and to make matters worse Jennifer Lien looks utterly bored by the entire enterprise...Kes’ (much needed because she is acting so badly out of character) explanation is that she thinks Janeway is responsible for her leaving Ocampa (no) and that she is a prisoner on Voyager (no), that she has been corrupted by Janeway’s ideas (no) and that she was responsible for her leaving the ship (no) and that Janeway encouraged her to explore her mental abilities (no). How does any of that make any sense? This episode’s storyline was written by Brannon Braga, for Christ’s sake, who has been around since the year dot as far as Voyager is concerned? Does he have no recollection of the early years? And more to the point does he think that none of us have any recollections about it either? This isn’t even worthy of being called characterisation – its just a preposterously vague and idiotic group of words strung together that mean absolutely nothing to explain a plot which is just a bunch of events thrown together that means nothing."
Doc Oho on Star Trek: Voyager, "Favorite Son"

"In my previous article, I stated that Brett Dalton as Agent Ward was 'about as expressive as a cardboard box full of styrofoam peanuts', and that hasn’t changed, even despite the reveal that he was an agent of HYDRA all along. I can’t say for certain that the writers totally pulled his heel turn out of their asses, but it sure feels that way. I doubt rewatching those early episodes would reveal any clues about Ward’s true loyalties that we didn’t notice before, and Brett Dalton himself had no inkling of the twist until 15 episodes in."

"out of David cage's flaming asshole is where that came from"
— two best friends play beyond two souls

Matt: “Mortal Kombat cannot be won by treachery.” They’re just making this s**t up!
Chris: I almost feel bad for Shang Tsung at this point. You know they were like “Okay, if you win this tournament you can invade Earth” and then he did and they were like “oh sorry, we meant if you win it… ten times?”
Matt: He’s a victim of bureaucracy, man....It’s like when a four-year-old tells you a joke. They get to a place where they remember something they were supposed to say earlier, then add it in too late.
Chris Sims and Matt Wilson on Mortal Kombat

"We finally learn the secret of the immortals. Turns out they're all aliens from planet called Zeist, exiled to live on Earth for all eternity. I'm not making this up. Zeist. All of the immortals are shown in a group together, exiled for some kind of revolution. To this day, I enjoy how richly Zeistian the names 'MacLeod' and 'Ramirez' are... This entire setup convinces me that the screenwriters never actually saw the first movie, because in that movie, Connor knows no other immortals, and cannot recognize Ramirez or the Kurgan when he sees them. And he also seems to require training that he shouldn't need, because the "rules" for their exile were spelled out in exacting detail on Zeist. Maybe Connor was drifting off when the Zeist aliens were explaining, 'Oh by the way, the only way you can die is by getting your head chopped off. Remember that.' It gets funnier the more you think about it, since Connor also believed himself to be a normal human being until slain by the Kurgan. The argument holds less water than my sister on a road trip."
Noah Antwiler on Highlander II: The Quickening

"So, lemme see if I understand this: Prometheus said he didn't know who the Shade was, but apparently the device he had planted was specifically designed to counteract his powers. What a convenient device! Oh, and the super-duper-maxi-extreme-ultra devices can counteract the magic of the REAL Captain Marvel too. Look, there's smart villains, clever planning, and then there's just pulling crap outta your ass!"