Look for the blood in the water,
read your Thomas Hobbes,
only spineless snobs
will quarrel with the morally dubious jobs.
Yes, blood in the water;
your scruples are a flaw.
You're nothing until
the thrill of the kill
becomes your only law!
— Prof. Callahan, Legally Blonde: The Musical
"A lawyer with his briefcase can steal more than a hundred men with guns."
— Vito Corleone, The Godfather
"Why should you go to jail for a crime somebody else...noticed?"
—Commercial for attorney Bob Loblaw, Arrested Development
"It's okay. I'm used to the callous attitude mortals have towards vampires. I'm used to wandering the earth - reviled, hunted, hated. That's why I became a lawyer."
— Alan Decker, She-Wolf of London
"Frankly I think if the Devil himself were to walk this earth, he'd need representation."
— Jilly Kitzinger, Torchwood: Miracle Day
"Going gets tough, you don't want a criminal lawyer. You want a criminal lawyer, know what I mean?"
— Jesse on Saul Goodman, Breaking Bad.
"What were you thinking?! People could have died! Before billable services were rendered!"
— Harvey, Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law
Holtz: You said you work for the law.
Lilah Morgan: No, I didn't. I said I'm a lawyer. I don't care about the law.
— Angel, "Lullaby"
"There's a reason that Shakespeare, and many after him, said 'First, kill all the lawyers.' They're talking about people like me, Jerry, not you."
— Alan Shore, Boston Legal
Quinn Calle: There’s been more [charges] in the last week, I take it?
Skitter: More assault and battery. Whatever charges come up with the thing at the school. I sort of arranged to have a psychopath kill herself. Um. However you’d charge putting maggots in someone’s eyeballs. In self-defense.
Quinn Calle: I see. And any other charges that might catch us by surprise?
Skitter: Premeditated murder. Of a law enforcement officer. Miss Militia knows, but she’s kept quiet on it.
Quinn Calle: I see.
Skitter: It was Coil. Director Thomas Calvert was Coil.
Quinn Calle: Alright, then. Believe it or not, I’ve handled worse.
—Skitter discusses her options with her lawyer, Worm
"A lawyer doesn't always want to know what really happened. It's a tightrope walk. Whether or not the lawyer believes in his client's innocence is not the issue. It's his duty to defend his client - no more and no less."
— Ferdinand von Schirach, Crime
"A lawyer is a learned gentleman who rescues your estate from your enemies and keeps it himself."
— Henry Brougham
"I would be loath to speak ill of any person who I do not know deserves it, but I am afraid he is an attorney."
"Almost all of my clients have been guilty. A few, of course, have been innocent. There has been almost no correlation between the guilt or innocence of my clients and whether they served time or got off... I regard the representation of a guilty and despicable defendant, with little prospect of winning, as a challenge—and, indeed, one of the highest obligations of my profession... Once I decide to take a case, I have only one agenda: I want to win. I will try, by every fair means, to get my client off—without regard to the consequences."
— Alan Dershowitz, The Best Defense (Introduction)
"Not long after [Thomas] Lowe began representing a long-term acquaintance in her divorce, he chatted her up on the finer points of her marital sex life, told her how hot she was, and then leaned against his shelf full of impressive-looking law books, nodded suggestively toward his crotch, and said, "Eh?" And that was all it took for his emotionally unstable client to dive right into a torrid, seven-month affair, during which they christened every last piece of furniture in Lowe's office (possibly the entire building). At this point, Lowe — who, in case we haven't mentioned it, was quite married — actually tallied up their encounters and billed her for his time at various intervals
While we would like to report that he itemized their lovemaking ("EROTIC SPANKING, WITH BABY TALK - 15 MIN"), he actually disguised the details with terms like "meetings" or "drafting memos" (we can only hope he actually included the sarcastic quotation marks on his invoices). We're not sure which is more disturbing — the fact that Lowe was twisted enough to take advantage of a clearly unstable woman both sexually and financially, or the fact that she kept sleeping with him even after realizing he was billing her. Maybe she just thought that's what a lawyer does?"