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Console RPG Clichés 25 to 48

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  1. Dimensional Transcendence Principle: Buildings are much, much larger on the inside than on the outside, and that doesn't even count the secret maze of tunnels behind the clock in the basement.
  2. Local Control Rule: Although the boss monster terrorizing the first city in the game is less powerful than the non-boss monsters that are only casual nuisances to cities later in the game, nobody from the first city ever thinks of hiring a few mercenaries from the later cities to kill the monster.
  3. Nostradamus Rule: All legends are 100% accurate. All rumors are entirely factual. All prophecies will come true, and not just someday but almost immediately.
  4. IDKFA:note  The basic ammunition for any firearms your characters have is either unlimited or very, very easy to obtain. This will apply even if firearms are extremely rare.
  5. Indestructible Weapon Rule: No matter how many times you use that sword to strike armored targets or fire that gun on full auto mode it will never break, jam or need any form of maintenance unless it is critical to the story that the weapon breaks, jams or needs maintenance.
  6. Selective Paralysis: Your characters must always keep both feet on the ground and will be unable to climb over low rock ledges, railings, chairs, cats, slightly differently-colored ground, or any other trivial objects which may happen to be in their way. Note that this condition will not prevent your characters from jumping from railroad car to railroad car later in the game.
  7. Bed Bed Bed: A good night's sleep will cure all wounds, diseases, and disabilities, up to and including death in battle.
  8. You Can't Kill Me, I Quit (Seifer Rule): The good guys never seem to get the hang of actually arresting or killing the bad guys. Minor villains are always permitted to go free so they can rest up and menace you again latersometimes five minutes later. Knowing this rule, you can deduce that if you do manage to kill (or force the surrender of) a bad guy, you must be getting near the end of the game.
  9. And Now You Die, Mr. Bond! (Beatrix Rule): Fortunately for you, the previous rule also applies in reverse. Rather than kill you when they have you at their mercy, the villains will settle for merely blasting you down to 1 hit point and leaving you in a crumpled heap while they stroll off, laughing. (This is, of course, because they're already planning ahead how they'll manipulate you into doing their bidding later in the game — see Way To Go, Serge.)
  10. Zap! Most villains in RPGs possess some form of teleportation. They generally use it to materialize in front of the adventurers when they reach the Obligatory Legendary Relic Room and seize the goodies just before you can. The question "If the bad guy can teleport anywhere at any time, then why doesn't (s)he just zip in, grab the artifact, and leave before the adventurers have even finished the nerve-wracking puzzle on the third floor?" is never answered.
  11. Heads I Win, Tails You Lose (Grahf Rule): It doesn't matter that you won the fight with the boss monster; the evil task he was trying to carry out will still get accomplished somehow. Really, you might as well not have bothered.
  12. Clockwork Universe Rule: No matter how hard you try to stop it, that comet or meteor will always hit the Earth.
  13. Fake Ending: There will be a sequence which pretends to be the end of the game but obviously isn't — if for no other reason than because you're still on Disk 1 of 4.
  14. You Die, And We All Move Up In Rank: During that fake ending, the true villain of the story will kill the guy you'd thought was the villain, just to demonstrate what a badass he (the true villain) really is. You never get to kill the fake villain yourself. (See also Hijacked by Ganon)
  15. "What are we going to do tonight, Vinsfeld?" The goal of every game (as revealed during the Fake Ending) is to Save The World from an evil figure who's trying to take it over or destroy it. There is no way to escape from this formidable task. No matter whether the protagonist's goal in life is to pay off a debt, to explore distant lands, or just to make time with that cute girl in the blue dress, it will be necessary for him to Save The World in order to accomplish it. Take heart, though — once the world gets sorted out, everything else will fall into place almost immediately.
  16. Zelda's Axiom: Whenever somebody tells you about "the five ancient talismans" or "the nine legendary crystals" or whatever, you can be quite confident that Saving the World will require you to go out and find every last one of them.
  17. George W. Bush Geography Simplification Initiative: Every country in the world will have exactly one town in it, except for the country you start out in, which will have three. (Related to It's a Small World After All)
  18. Fodor's Guide Rule: In the course of your adventure you will visit one desert city, one Port Town, one mining town, one casino city, one magic city (usually flying), one medieval castle kingdom, one clockwork city, one martial arts-based community, one thieves' slum, one lost city and one sci-fi utopia. On the way you'll also get a chance to see the cave with rocks that glow from a natural energy source, the village populated with nonhuman characters, the peaceful village where everyone knows the latest news about the hero's quest (see Guy in the Street Rule), the snow village, the magical forest/lake/mountain, the shop in the middle of nowhere, the fantastic-looking place with lots of FMVs just showing your entrance, the subtropical jungle island populated by friendly natives, the annoying cavern maze, and a place — any place — that was destroyed in some past disaster.
  19. Midgar Principle: The capital of the evil empire is always divided into two sections: a lower city slum filled with slaves and supporters of the rebellion, and an upper city filled with loyal fanatics and corrupt aristocrats.
  20. Not Invented Here: Trade of technology will not exist. One place in the world will have all the techno-gadgets while all the others will be harvesting dirt.
  21. Law of Cartographical Elegance: The world map always cleanly fits into a rectangular shape with no land masses that cross an edge.
  22. ¿Quien Es Mas Macho? (Fargo Rule): Every powerful character you attempt to seek aid from will first insist upon "testing your strength" in a battle to the death. (Related to Duel Boss)
  23. We Had To Destroy The Village In Order To, Well, You Know The Rest (Selene Rule): No matter what happens, never call on the government, the church, or any other massive controlling authority for help. They'll just send a brigade of soldiers to burn your entire village to the ground.
  24. Zidane's Curse (or, Dirty Pair Rule): An unlucky condition in which every major city in the game will coincidentally wind up being destroyed just after the hero arrives.