Funny: True Blood
open/close all folders
- In the first episode, shortly after Tara is hired at Merlotte's as a bartender, she and Lafayette bicker at each other in front of a customer and create what must be the world's most uncomfortable redneck.
- Eric, on children:
"Now come on Pam, they are funny. They're like humans, but miniature. Teacup humans."
- Everything about Jessica's reaction to being turned vampire, from the subversion of the viewer's expectations (she reacts with utter joy) to her comments.
Jessica: (to Bill) You suck. (Beat) That's funny, because you do suck.Jessica: Crap, crap, crap, damn, oh what's another bad word.. fuck! Fuck! That's a bad word. Fuck fuck fuck fuck!Jessica: (after Bill asks what she thinks being a vampire means) It means I don't have to sit like a lady. It means I can kill anyone I want. And there's an awful lot of people I wanna kill!Jessica: You just talk, and you don't let me kill anyone, and I'm so hungry! YOU'RE THE WORST. MAKER. EVER!!
- Lafayette's creative way of confronting the homophobic rednecks. Also it was awesome.
Lafayette: "Faggots been breedin' your cows, raisin' your chickens, and even brewin' your beer long before I walked my sexy ass up in this motherfucker. [...] Tip yo' waitress."
- Arlene: "I'm sorry you fell in love with a serial killer, alright? But honestly, who here hasn't?"
- Pretty much anything with Jessica.
- The episode "Cold Ground" is actually full of unintentional humour without crossing into Narm. Such as the way Sookie screams at Maxine Fortenbery when she tries to take one of her grandmother's pies out of the fridge. Also she randomly shouts "shut the fuck up!" at the entire funeral congregation during her speech when she hears their thoughts.
- From season 1, Lafayette and Terry are watching a congressional candidate on TV at the bar:
Terry: I can't listen to politicians no more, it gives me a seizure. Can we put it on my home decor program now?
- In the second episode, Jason is under arrest for the murder of a woman he was videotaped having rough sex with. It doesn't help his case any that the video records him evidently choking her to death, freaking out at what he has just done, and fleeing the scene. It does help his case somewhat when the woman he supposedly just murdered comes to and starts laughing hysterically at his reaction to her prank. Of course, she was still murdered some time after turning off the tape recorder. The cops' theory? Jason came back and killed her off for real. His iron-clad defense?
- And the next time you see him, he's a free man.
- Jason is pretty much a walking, talking Crowning Moment of Funny all by himself. That scene in the third episode where he gets thrown out of his girlfriend's house after sex at gunpoint, trying desperately to put on his jeans while she tells him just what she thinks about his inability to sustain a hard-on. The second she slams the door, he yells, "I can get it up! Bitch!" only for an elderly neighbour to come out of her house and see him, half-naked and shouting for the whole of Bon Temp to hear about how his erection died on him. His response? "Your neighbour's a crazy bitch!"
Jason: I have gout... of the dick!
- And also:
- See also: Jason sticking a needle in a hot dog to demonstrate to Lafayette how the doctor drained the blood out of his erection.
- After Longshadow is staked, Ginger stops screaming long enough to throw up, prompting this response:
Eric: Humans. Honestly, Bill, I don't know what you see in them.
- Just the situational comedy of vampires being modern is pretty good—like Bill and Longshadow's replacement comparing their Wii Golf scores, or:
Eric: I texted you three times. Why didn't you respond?Bill: I hate typing with the number keys.
- In "Cold Ground" a woman is on the phone with Adele, castigating her for inviting Bill to talk at the church:
Woman: You will go to Hell for this!Adele: Alright, same to you! Bye-bye!
- Sophie-Anne's suggestion to Bill regarding his conflict with Eric.
"All this alpha-male posturing. Why don't the two of you just fuck each other and get it over with...? I could watch."
- She's does it earlier in the episode as well, when a fangbanger who obviously doesn't speak English as a first language offers to "have a sex" with Bill, she states that "she loves watching two men together".
- Sophie-Anne basically blackmailing Bill into wearing swimming trunks and playing Yahtzee in her dayroom.
- Jessica has some physical comedy early on in season 2.
Jessica: (trying to get out of a traveling coffin) Hey, how the hell does this thing open?? Somebody get me out of it! HELP!
- It should be mentioned that while saying this, she accidentally shifts too much and pushes the coffin off the ledge it was on.
- Eric convincing Sookie to suck silver shards out of his chest and neck just to fuck with everyone.
Eric: No time. You have to do it.Sookie: But I can't! It's gross, and it's you.Eric: (groans dramatically) I'm dying... (groans again)
Sookie: realizing what he did "You A-hole!"Eric: "Wow, Bill, you're right. I believe I can sense her emotions."
- Especially the silly grin on his face as she does it.
Sookie: I sucked his chest! What is wrong with me?!
- And afterwards when she is talking to Bill about it.
- Eric, after getting blood on his hair after gruesomely dismembering Royce. Hair that was in the process of being highlighted.
Eric: Is there blood in my hair?Lafayette: Yeah, there's a little bit in there.Eric: Oh. That's bad. Pam is going to kill me."
- Everything about Maryann's Dionysian wedding.
Lafayette: "The God with Horns! WORSHIP HIM, BITCHES!"Sookie: "Okay, what is the deal with the egg? Did you lay it?"Maryann: "You're the maid of honor, you have to lick the egg."
- The scene where Jason, Sam and Andy successfully attempt to fool the brainwashed crowd into believing the ritual has worked.
Sam: "Smite me, motherfucker!"Terry Bellefleur: "Bullshit! God has horns."
- Sookie and Bill:
Sookie: I think, deep down, you don't really like vampires, even though you are one.Bill: So?Sookie: Well, hating yourself is not a good thing.Bill: I'm a vampire. I'm supposed to be tormented.
- Lorena gets her moment in "Timebomb":
Lorena [to Sookie]: Did you know your boyfriend hit me over the head with a 52 inch plasma television earlier tonight? Everyone says they're so thin and light, but let me tell you, when wielded properly, they're quite a weapon.
- This troper's favorite was this exchange between Sookie and Eric:
Sookie: He's your maker, isn't he.Eric: Don't use words you don't understand.Sookie: You have a lot of love for him.Eric: (beat) Don't use words I don't understand.
- Straight after that, we get the glorious hilarity of Eric pretending to be not just a human, but a shy redneck who forgot his stake.
- Even better since Eric doesn't look redneck-y at all in that scene. He just always looks downright menacing.
- Godric addressing the Fellowship when all hell is breaking loose:
Godric: I am actually older than your Jesus. I wish I could have met him... But I missed it.
- The conversation between Steve and Jason.
Steve: I know who you are and who you work for.Jason: ..the road crew?
- Jessica's impression of Bill to Sookie:
Jessica: All he told me was, 'Jessica, I have errands to run. Errands which do not require your presence. So remain heah, and do your best to stay out of trouble while I'm gone.'
- Bill (furiously) discovering Jessica and Hoyt making out on the couch together (punctuation COMPLETELY intentional):
Bill: Are you gonna leave or am I going to have to throw you out? Through a window. THAT IS CLOSED!Sookie: Bill, that is just *rude*.
- Jason's got at least one CMOF for every (frequent) occasion he forgets to turn his brain on. After deciding to be a cop, Hoyt is quizzing him on what he needs to know for the written test, at one point asking Jason what the legal blood alcohol limit for driving is in the state of Louisiana.
"Um... when you’re drunk?"
- Sookie's Lampshade Hanging of Bill's pronunciation of her name in the second episode of season three.
"Every sound I hear, every time the phone rings, every shadow, I think it's Bill. I keep expecting him to come through the door and say... Sookeh."
- Talbot insulting werewolves.
Talbot: "Please they're all dumber than a box of rocks."Werewolf: "That's unfair!"Talbot: "To boxes maybe. (Pause) Or rocks."
- Bill being served a full-course dinner made entirely of blood.
Talbot: "Blood gelato?"
- Don't forget Talbot describing the blood as being "cruelty-free," and the citrus-flavored, carbonated blood as being given by a donor who "ate nothing but tangerines for weeks."
- Stick Jason behind a desk, and watch the hilarity ensue.
- Franklin demonstrating his super-texting power. "You weren't looking!"
Tara: "We need to talk."Franklin: "Don't say that. Woman say that, everything goes black and I wake up surrounded by body parts."
- Almost ANYTHING Franklin does. Who can forget this little gem?
- Sookie wakes up from her coma as Bill watches...and the show's standard tender romantic music is interrupted by her screaming her head off at seeing him.
Jason: Are you brain damaged?
- Jason's concerned reaction to this.
- Bill informing Jessica he broke up with Sookie.
Jessica: ( Shocked and concerned) No way!Bill: (Bill serious and deadpanned) Way.
- Bill and Sookie getting rid of a dead werewolf in the living room after their make-up sex. "Yes, I suppose I should have mentioned that."
- Also Sookie's resigned attitude to his disposal.
- When Russell Edgington bursts into a newsroom and rips out the reporter's spine on live television, followed by an evil spiel about how superior vampires are. As threatening as it is, hilarity comes from Russel's polite manner and his complete disregard for the newsreader, to the point that about half way through, he absentmindedly notices he's still holding the man's spine.
Russell: We will eat you. After we eat your children. Now time for the weather. Tiffany?
- Sookie's reaction to finding out what she really is: "How fucking lame!"
- Pam's way of asking for a private chat with Eric: Blah Blah Vampire Emergency Blah.
- After Hoyt's intervention, when the therapist tries to do a group hug and Hoyt's mom flings him off by lazily lifting her arm.
- This Troper's favourite moment in season 3 is this exchange:
Jason: So werewolves are real?Sookie: Yes.Jason: How about bigfoot, is he real?Sookie: I don't know, I suppose it's possible.Jason: (gasps with delight) Santa?
- In the final episode of Season 3, Eric gets one last deadpan snark, coupled with Mood Whiplash, since Bill recently buried him in concrete and is completely heartbroken at the time after Sookie dumped him.
Eric - I want my phone back.
- Andy: "Conscience off, dick on!"
- Pam's Willy Wonka-esque attempt to prevent Sookie from forcing her way down to see Eric.
Pam (deadpan): "No, Sookie, don't, come back."
- Erotic Dream hilarity, courtesy of Bill.
"I hear the water in Arkansas is very... hard."
- Jessica's amusement over the existence of "Nazi werewolves".
- The scene in which Pam orders Lafayette to sell the remnants of V in a single night.
Pam: "Is there a problem?"Lafayette: "Nah, hooker. Look, I can't sell all this shit by tomorrow, I got a cousin in trouble, she..."Pam: (shoving Lafayette against the wall) "I don't know what it is about me that makes people think I want to hear their problems. Maybe I smile too much. Maybe I wear too much pink. But please remember I can rip your throat out if I need to. And also know that I am not a hooker. That was a long, long time ago.Lafayette: "...a'ight."Pam: "You pickin' up what I'm puttin down?"Lafayette: "I is."
- Pam in Season 4
"...let these good people practice their constitutional right to be fucking idiots...""I know, I know. It's hard for me, too. Technology has taken all the fun out of being a vampire...""I'll give you 24 hours to deliver that witch to me. And if you don't, I will personally eat, fuck, and kill all three of you."
- Not to mention Pam's hilariously dry delivery of the Fangtasia commercial, in which she says "The blood is warm, and so is the service" with the perfect level of deadpan and bored indifference.
- An amnesiac Eric calling Sookie "Snooki."
- Sookie's indignant delivery of the line You killed my fairy godmother!" and Eric's apologetic smile.
- Eric: "Ya'll are lookin' for a dead body?"
- Eric drunk on fairy blood. "Did you just pinch my ass?"
- "Stop saying 'fuck,' I can't concentrate!"
- Reverend Daniels and Lettie Mae's "exorcism" of Terry and Arlene's house. Complete with Arlene being dumb enough to call them "you people."
Arlene: Smells a little like pot.Terry: Not really.
- Portia's measured, well-researched argument about why sleeping with her great-great-however many grandfather should be perfectly fine, followed by Bill glamoring her to be terrified of him.
- After realizing he's not going to turn into a werepanther, Jason tells Jessica it's kind of a letdown, and that the werepanther tribe are idiots.
- Jason waking up and screaming "Oh my gravy!" after having a Homoerotic Dream of Hoyt.
- Tara being saved from Pam by a bunch of dimbulbs wanting to sell vampire videos to TMZ. "I AM NOT A ZOMBIE!" "That's exactly what a zombie would say!"
- Lafayette and Jesus find that Jesus' elderly abuelo has a hot and pregnant wife. Lafayette: "I think Grandpa's still got some lead in the pencil."
- Tommy as Maxine, taking her already over the top abrasiveness Up to Eleven.
- Sookie's dream where she declares she loves both Bill and Eric, and they should just be in a three-way relationship with her. How the hell did everyone get through that one with a straight face?
- Nan telling a weeping Jessica that she's cured her of any desire to become a maker.
- Followed by Nan asking Bill what's going on, and a Gilligan Cut to all three chained down with silver.
- Mavis having a Freak Out when she finally notices she's in a man's body.
- Mavis getting confused when Jesus says that Lafayette is his boyfriend, either indicating that she has no knowledge of homosexuality, or that she had no idea she was in a man's body this whole time.
- The blink-and-you'll-miss-it glimpse of a copy of Twilight with the movie poster cover in the box of Jessica's stuff.
- Jason making fun of Hoyt for having a Taylor Swift CD. He quickly retorts it's Jessica's.
- After Terry makes Andy admit he has a V addiction, leaving Andy behind in the woods and forcing him to walk home.
- While they're all restrained with silver, Nan angrily sentences Bill, Eric, Pam, and Jessica to True Death, only for all of them to tell her to shut up.
Bill: (Without a care in the world) Uh huh and whats the biggest therobaric payload? I Will take two ...
- Best part is Nan promising a slow and painful death for Bill come sundown.
- Jesus is attempting to breach the magical forcefield around the shop, when suddenly he turns into a demon and forces his way through.
Jason: What's happening to his head?!Lafayette: (Slightly embarrassed) It's a Latin thing.
- Tara and Holly warning the coven not to touch the door, only for them to do it anyway.
- Andy tries to talk about the fairy Maurella, whom he had sex with, but Arlene thinks he was just hallucinating.
- "You can't trade magic like fucking Pokémon cards!"
- Eric: "Hi Nan!...and gay stormtroopers."
- "We're still feeling pretty crispy here."
- "...What a bitch"
- Pam ranting about Sookie: "I am sooo over Sookie and her precious fairy vagina and her unbelievably stupid name! FUCK SOOKIE! *throws things*
- Jessica seduces Jason by wearing a naughty Little Red Riding Hood costume.
- Arlene threatening to take her kids trick-or-treating at a trailer park again if they don't behave. "Now do you want a bag full of empty Coors cans and food stamps or do you want candy?"
- Nan suggests to Bill that perhaps civil rights protests in the 60's would have gone more smoothly if no black people were at them. Bill's reaction is an impossible to describe WTF look that's so confused it's hilarious.
- Terry confronting Andy about his V addiction, and Andy throwing Terry's past drug abuse in his face.
Terry: Well I got clean in the long run, didn't I? No drugs for me. (aside) 'cept the anti-psychotics.
- Dep. Jason Stackhouse's voicemail message.
Hi, you've reached the voicemail for Dep. Stackhouse. If this is an emergency, hang up and dial 9-1-1... and ask for me!
- Pam's constant complaints while turning Tara. "I'm wearing a Wal-Mart sweatsuit for y'all! If that's not a demonstration of "team spirit" I don't know what is."
- Reverend Newlin coming out to Jason, which is even more awkward and pathetic than it sounds.
- Pam senses Tara trying to kill herself, leading us to believe she's going to develop some Mama Bear sense toward her progeny and rush to save her. Instead, she rolls her eyes and says "You stupid bitch." She still saves her, but in her own way.
- Sookie getting plastered and giving her own spin on The Pina Colada Song.
- The Take That to the Sookie/Alcide shippers, where Sookie throws up right when they're about to have sex. And a bit later on:
"Are we going to talk about how I puked on your shoes?""No."
- Arlene discovering a nude Andy after he's kicked out of the fairy nightclub.
- Lafayette sees a living severed head with its mouth sewn shut and freaks out. Ruby Jean sees this same apparition... and completely unfazed, asks it where it has been.
- Eric's way of consoling a human who's afraid he may die before ever getting to see the Big Apple: "New York City smells like pee and the people are rude."
- Eric indulging himself a bit while glamoring Alcide to forget about Russell, telling him not to sleep with Sookie. "She kind of disgusts you."
- Plus Sookie's reaction to the results. "Did you just recoil from me?"
- This entire exchange between the captured Russell and Roman:
Russell: You think you're any better than the Sanguinistas? You use Lilith to justify your bloodlust for power, just as they do to justify their bloodlust for humans. I am the only honest one here! I want to gorge on human blood not because some fucking bible tells me to, but because I like it! It's fun! It makes my dick hard!Roman (completely unfazed): Are you done?
- Eric giving Bill a piggyback ride as they, Russell and the rest of the Authority wander around New Orleans, completely high off what may or may not be Lilith's blood.
- Russell Edgington sneaking onstage at a wedding party and attempting to sing along with the bride at karaoke. The uncomfortable/horrified looks of the wedding guests, especially when they start to realize who he is, is hilarious.
- The line "Suicide is for Muslims!" is so out of the blue and blatantly racist that you cant help but go lolwut?
- Sam sniffing around like a dog, with the people who don't know he's a shifter thinking he's weird or crazy.
- Jason Comically Missing the Point during this conversation with Jessica:
Jason You know you say you're not all the same but really what's the difference? I mean you just drank from some dude you don't even know.Jessica Yeah and I suppose you know every cow you've eaten.Jason What the fuck kinda question is that? I ain't ever fucked a cow!
- Andy explaining to Jessica why there were two Sams: "That's his girlfriend. She turned into him and now she's stuck."
- A bit earlier, Sam and Luna argue about the situation while Andy can only say "I hate this town."
- Sam is trying to soothe Luna, because she's upset about being stuck in his form and is in horrible pain, and says, "You're handsome." They share a laugh.
- Pam revealing she wasn't angry at Tara like she thought: "My mad face and my happy face are the same."
- Sookie to Russell: "You watch your fucking language."
- Lafeyette on why he's reluctant to get back to talking to spirits: "I'm in the 'fuck-off-while-I-smoke-a-blunt' business, and business is about to pick way the fuck up."
- Lafayette telling all the spirits of the dead to stop being so cryptic because it's not cool.
- Sookie's peek at Sweetie's extremely petty reason for starting the anti-supernatural hate group.
- Lafayette in "Everybody Wants to Rule the World" was simply delightful:
Sookie: What do you see?Lafayette (looking in the mirror): One fine-ass motherfucker with pretty new eyelashes.Sookie: Well are you gonna help me or are you just gonna look at your vain ass in the mirror all day?!Lafayette (trying to commune with spirits): Creepy spirit thang: Why you in Sookie bathroom?Lafayette: The rest of you: I ain't G-Mail for dead bitches. Send your own god damn messages.Lafayette: Dead folk, why y'all gotta be so cryptic? It ain't cute.Lafayette: I can only listen to you one at a goddamn time! Fuck! ...oh. Excuse my language, Mrs. Stackhouse...
- "I don't know nothin' 'bout birthin' no baby vampires!"
- Sam and Lafayette scare off a pair of guys who were going to kill Jessica. Lafayette reminds one of them about his fries, and he actually comes back and gets them, before heading back out so fast that he bumps headlong into Jason coming in the door and spills them. Finally, Jason catches one of the fries and eats it as he asks what the hell just happened.
Lafayette: Take yo' fries to go!
- Claude talking about Maurella's age:
Claude: She's 500 but she only admits to being three. Like you really couldn't tell, she's halfway to being an elder.
- Sookie meeting The Elder of the fairies:
Elder: Ke$sha: For, or Against?Sookie: Ex...cuse me?Elder: Do you like her music?Sookie: I'm...sorry. I'm...not that familiar with her music.Elder: She doesn't really sing, does she. She talks...I suppose that makes her some sort of a poet. That's alarming...because her spelling is atrocious.
- It should be mentioned that during their whole conversation, The Elder is dancing on stage.
- In the fifth season finale, Lafayette and Arlene getting drunk on "Cajun Margaritas" and delivering snark while watching all the craziness unfold.
- Lafayette with the fan!
- Related to the above: Maurella giving birth to four(!!) babies in a very orgasmic fashion, and then casually mentioning to Andy that he's got to take care of them all and leaves. The look on his and Holly's face really sells it.
- Maurella guzzling an entire canister of table salt right before that in a wonderful Funny Background Event.
- Eric and Nora arguing over a computer, in true brother-sister fashion.
- When Jessica says "Eeeeeew" when a vampire is shot to death and explodes, and "I knew it" when Tara makes out with Pam.
- When Eric Northman stabs Russell Edgington he can only respond "Oh, fuck!"
- Arlene explaining the birds and the bees to Andy.
Arlene: And when you stick Mr. Happy into somebody's hoohah without a raincoat on, babies come out!
- Eric: "Who the fuck is Warlow?"
- Nora: "So the kid who's never read a book [Jason] knows more than you."
- Lafayette calls Luna's press conference the most disturbing thing he's seen on TV, "and I watch Dance Moms!"
- Sookie noticing an injured man by the side of the road on her way to work, and immediately going "No, not today."
- Billith making such a big deal about how he's so super special now that he can stand in the sunlight...until it turns out he can't.
- Eric on Ginger idiotically answering his phone when they were trying to keep a low profile. "I get it, you're stupid."
- Jessica seducing a teacher.
- The fact that Andy assigned numbers to his fairy-hybrid daughters so he could tell them apart. "Girls, how many times have I told you, no hand lasers?!"
Holly: Out of my head, Number Three!
- A subtle bit of humor when Andy does post-humously, for three of them name the fairy children. Adilyn Brylynn Charlaine Danica. Swapping out numbers for letters.
- Jason having yet another vampire blood-induced Homoerotic Dream, this time about Ben, complete with gratuitous shirtlessness, Jason's complete inability to shave Ben's face in a sexy manner, and Jason's hilarious Gay Panic afterwards.
- After being captured and sent to the vampire camp, where vampires are experimented on, Pam sees a room where two vampires are forced to have sex with each other. Pam asks what their captors can possibly learn from that. Later, Pam asks if she can be put in that room.
- Sarah telling Jason in complete seriousness "God wants me to fuck you." Followed by the expected Gilligan Cut.
- "You don't have that Stockholder's Syndrome, do you?"
- Lafayette's reaction to Bill walking into Arlene's house in broad daylight.
Lafayette: I'm so fucking glad I took my beta blockers today. *leaves the room* Deuces.
- Pam easily and contemptuously seducing the psychiatrist.
- Followed up in the next episode:
Jessica: Did you just have sex with him?Pam: I did.Jessica: How was it?Pam: Oozy. But productive.
- Followed up in the next episode:
- After Arlene blows up at Terry's grandmother for wanting a full military funeral and storms out, Andy can only say "I'm trying to figure out if I'd be more uncomfortable in here or out there."
- Steve Newlin is forced to run on a giant hamster-wheel contraption, and he acts tired and out of breath even though he is a vampire.
- Sarah's over-the-top catfight with Ms. Suzuki, complete with cuntpunting, failed attempts at neckbreaking, and murder by stiletto heel.
- The reaction of Jane Bodehouse and Maxine Fortenberry when Alcide shows up at Terry's funeral.
"He smells like a man..."
- Grandma Bellefleur's behavior at said funeral. Eventually you start expecting another one-liner from her and start cracking up!
- What does Steve Newlin yell out when his former wife opens the roof to let the sun in, just before bursting into flame?
- Especially funny when it cuts to Jason trying really hard to forget he just heard that
- Ginger endlessly screaming during Eric's assault on the prison. That poor actress must have been exhausted after that episode wrapped.
- Bonus points with Eric wandering down a hallway until he hears the shrieking off in the distance. "I know that scream..."
- "Jesus thinks you're an average lay."
- The whole sunlight vampire orgy at Bill's mansion, particularly Violet greeting Sookie with a big kiss on the mouth, while some random vampires are having sex in the background.
Jason:"Meet Violet...she's European."
- Bill calling Alcide "Bright Eyes"
- Jason's "pizza forensics"
- In an example of slightly dark humor, Jason learning that making an offhand war reference among immortal beings may result in a slightly awkward moment, mostly because there are better than even odds that some in your presence may have actually participated in the war in question.
- In episode 9 Eric agrees to fulfill Ginger's long-time wish of sleeping with him. She..."lasts" about a minute, and it doesn't even seem to have involved any penetration. The look of utter irritation on Eric's face is just golden.
- In the final episode, Eric dashes off to take out the Yakuza who want to hunt down Sookie, and kills them in short order. Cut to him speeding down the road, in their sports car, J-pop blaring, and he's head-bobbing to the beat, with their corpses in the backseat.
- Eric Northman, infomercial pitchman. That is all.