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Funny / The Elder Scrolls Online

The Game Itself
  • Naryu Virian is probably the biggest female snarker in the entire game. She is flirtatious, and has a good sense of humor.
  • When you're in Sancre Tor, Abnur Tharn sarcastically mocks Sai Sahan's decision on hiding the Amulet of Kings in Sancre Tor. Then Lyris and Sai Sahan say at the exact same time "Shut up, Tharn".
  • When first waking up on Stros M'Kai, Captain Kaleen tells you about Headman Bhosek's thugs:
    Captain Kaleen: Cross one, you cross them all, and Bhosek will have your head on a pike before you can say, "Please, don't put my head on a pike!"
  • One quest on Stros M'Kai involves you agreeing to help an orc kill a sea serpent named Deathfang. You go to fight it, the quest message says "Kill Deathfang With Dugroth", and then the serpent comes out of the water. Dugroth runs off, and a second later, it amends itself to say, "Kill Deathfang Without Dugroth".
    • Right before this particlar incident, Dugroth leads you to Deathfang, but takes a small detour because "the mudcrabs look tough".
  • This little bit of lore from the game's website:
    A note from Jumps-Over-Fire, a historian: I am at a loss. All these weeks in study, all the painstaking excavation, the re-excavation after the storms and flooding, the comparison to other ancient temple texts and agonizing over translation, and what do we find? The oldest inscription I have ever encountered, the last recoverable piece of this temple, and what is the engraving? What ancient wisdom from my forefathers? The enlightenment: “By Twice-Sun-Blessed Decree of Chath-Jat, Hist-Speaker and Vanquisher of the Fallow Dryness, He Who Frightened a Bloodplague with Spine Motions Alone: There is to be no running within the temple.”
  • The drunken rambling from the revelers in Windhelm can be pretty funny.
    "I'll have... what I'm having..."
  • A quest in Stonefalls involves stealing a rare bottle of wine from a bartender. To get the bottle, you need to distract the owner through one of two ways. The first is releasing a rat in the establishment. The second is giving a bottle of cheap alto wine to a known patron who sings... badly when drunk. The song he sings about cliff racers is truly spectacular.
  • A quest in Eastmarch sees you helping a Nord who wishes to help the giants fight the Stormfists. She tells you that one giant can help you break into their camp. After a bit of awkward non-communication between you and the giant...he just drop-kicks you over the wall.
  • In Pariah Catacombs you find a note left by someone who was trapped down there and terrified of the dungeon's boss, who they describe as a skeletal monster that feasts upon the flesh of the living. The note is titled "I know its name" and they end the note by claiming to know the beast's name, but leave you in suspense. It's Uncle Bones, and he is a human skeleton that scuttles about in random patterns on all fours.
  • When asked to find items to identify the victims of the Worm Cult in the Rift you find a book of poetry on the body of one soldier, which has a copy of "The Lusty Argonian Maid" hidden inside it.
  • One of the sidequests given to you in Shadowfen, by an Argonian who wants to avenge his family, has you killing the leader of the Dominion regiment near an abandoned village, and cutting out his heart. What does the Argonian do with the heart? Throws it out to the swamp so a wild Wamasu can eat it.
  • The two quests with Stibbons in Coldharbour. The first has you rescuing him from a lonely Winged Twilight who is attracted to him, and the second has you rescuing him from Dark Seducers. Hilarity naturally ensues.
  • With the Thieves Guild DLC now live, you are able to use baskets as Hiding Spots from guards if they are chasing you. It works even if you do it right in front of them and they end up looking around frantically for you.

Maintenance/Patch Notes
  • The megaservers had maintenance done due to the "leap second" at the end of June 2015. Their announcement said "Yes, we're serious".
  • The patch notes can be funny at times.
    • From 1.3.5: "Vampires can no longer feed upon Camels."
    • From PTS 1.5: "Amended some inconsistencies in Fishy Stick recipes. Fishy Sticks are now all more similar. If a stick of fish is a fish stick, it will stick like other fish sticks stick."
    • 1.6.5:
      • "The Ultimate Riverhold Beef Pasty now looks more like a pot pie and less like a cookie."
      • "A goat that was previously trapped between a wall and a dye station has been rescued. The Tamrielic Goatherd Society rejoices at this turn of events."
    • 2.2.0: "Beaunois Edette no longer walks on furniture like an uncultured jerk."
    • 2.3.0: "A giant rock no longer hovers over the zone threatening to crash into Tamriel."
    • 2.4.0: "Royal Court Jester Costume: You will no longer see through areas of the torso from this costume when looking at it from the ground up. What were you doing on the ground in the first place?"