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Base Game

Main Story and Coldharbor

When you're in Sancre Tor, Abnur Tharn sarcastically mocks Sai Sahan's decision on hiding the Amulet of Kings in Sancre Tor. Then Lyris and Sai Sahan say at the exact same time "Shut up, Tharn".
Each of the three faction's spymaster know each other. When trying to convince the alliance leaders to sign a ceasefire in order to invade Coldharbour, the spymaster asks you to say hi to your own faction's spymaster for them.
The two quests with Stibbons in Coldharbour. The first has you rescuing him from a lonely Winged Twilight who is attracted to him, and the second has you rescuing him from Dark Seducers. Hilarity naturally ensues.
If you buy a drink for the Undaunted ghosts in the Hollow City, you are treated to the following exchange:
Tubidan the Alarmist: Your generosity is five-clawed, my friend! Listen, everyone. That one bought us a drink. This calls for a song!
Savage Sehlena: You asked for a drink? Tubidan. You're dead. What a waste of coin!
Sahba the Bonecrusher: You're an idiot, Tubidan.
Tubidan: Silence, both of you! That one bought Khajiit a drink.
Sehlena: So now you're going to sing?
Tubidan: No. Khajiit is most Undaunted here. You will sing.
Sehlena: What? No!
Tubidan: And you will sing, Sahba.
Sahba: Go play in the Vaults of Madness, Tubidan.
Tubidan: All are staying in this tavern until you sing! So sing, fools!
- And then they do sing:
Sehlena: Who knows no fear... of beast or blade?
Sehlena and Sahba: Undaunted! Undaunted!
Tubidan: Yes. Yes!
Sahba: Who knows no fear... of Daedric planes?
Tubidan: Tell me! Tell me who!
Sehlena and Sahba: We are Undaunted!
Sehlena: Who knows no fear... of death? Of age?
Tubidan: Louder! By the Bright Moons! Louder!
Sehlena and Sahba: Undaunted! Undaunted! We are Undaunted!
Tubidan: That's the stuff!
Sehlena: Someone pass a sword through my face.
Sahba: It wouldn't kill you.

Ebonheart Pact

Their armor design guide, due to Holgunn One-Eye's increasing exasperation at the need to stamp a dragon on all of their equipment.
"By now you know what our alliance symbol is, right? So I'll give you one guess as to what we put on the heads of the staves of our Pact spellcasters. If you said "roaring metal Dragons," give yourself a pat on the back. If you said anything else, soldier, you're standing guard duty tonight, because you're too dumb to be allowed to go into town."
Naryu Virian is probably the biggest female snarker in the entire game. She is flirtatious, and has a good sense of humor.
The drunken rambling from the revelers in Windhelm can be pretty funny.
"I'll have... what I'm having..."
"I need another drink like I need a head in the hole."
A quest in Stonefalls involves stealing a rare bottle of wine from a bartender. To get the bottle, you need to distract the owner through one of two ways. The first is releasing a rat in the establishment. The second is giving a bottle of cheap alto wine to a known patron who sings... badly when drunk. The song he sings about cliff racers is truly spectacular.
A quest in Eastmarch sees you helping a Nord who wishes to help the giants fight the Stormfists. She tells you that one giant can help you break into their camp. After a bit of awkward non-communication between you and the giant...he just drop-kicks you over the wall.
When asked to find items to identify the victims of the Worm Cult in the Rift you find a book of poetry on the body of one soldier, which has a copy of "The Lusty Argonian Maid" hidden inside it.
One of the sidequests given to you in Shadowfen, by an Argonian who wants to avenge his family, has you killing the leader of the Dominion regiment near an abandoned village, and cutting out his heart. What does the Argonian do with the heart? Throws it out to the swamp so a wild Wamasu can eat it.
- Adding insult to injury, if you kill him with an elemental attack, he has a chance to either burn to dust or be frozen into ice. This adds the mental image of our hero taking out an overcooked heart from a pile of ash, or chipping away a frozen heart from his ice cold remains. All of that on top of the Wamasu eating it afterwards.
A quest has you gathering ingredients for an Argonian trying to join the Mage's Guild. The last part has you drinking the potion she made, and reporting back with the results. What happens when you drink it? You see a mammoth... being chased by a cat.
There is a house called Lake-Heart House by Riften. If you go inside, you might notice how the house looks sort of empty considering its size. There is a letter there fittingly called "Furious Letter", and its contents makes it clear why:
"YOU PIG!!!!
You are more of a pig than our pigs! And with my sister!!!! I hope you die a horrible death, screaming for mercy while animals root in your entrails, PIG!
I am taking the children and going to my sister's. No, not that one, she's all yours. My other sister.
DIE, DIE, DIE!!!!
Rigurt the Brash and his diplomatic antics.
- In order to strengthen the Ebonheart Pact, he wants to have a party with the dark elf and argonian ambassadors, and has you collect the items needed. Unfortunately, one of the items is alcohol, and he happens to drink some of it before the meeting.
- He proceeds to get the ambassadors' names wrong, calling Yeveth Noramil "Yeveth Normal" and Eyes-of-Steel "Flies-of-Steel".
- The ambassadors mistake him for a jester and befriend each other over how confusing nords are and how hideous their mead is. Rigurt thinks it went much better than it did.
In Deshaan there’s a man who has strong opinions on the nearby mushrooms:
Kaleb Bereouch: I’ve heard these mushrooms are delicious, but I’m not going to eat them. They glow like lanterns! That’s not appropriate mushroom behavior! I disapprove.
There's a trio of Nords in Windhelm who sing a song about mead. Two of them, Alma and Bellin, sing the final line as "I'll soon be drunk, and that's quite probable!", however, the third one, Daric, finishes it as "and that's quite laudable". They debate the lyrics, Daric arguing that it's a fact that he'll be drunk so it's more than "probable", while Bellin protests that getting drunk isn't laudable because you should be able to hold your mead better than that. Alma, meanwhile, comments that she's confused and needs more mead. In the end, Daric decides that he doesn't like the song anymore and suggests singing something else.

Daggerfall Covenant

When first waking up on Stros M'Kai, Captain Kaleen tells you about Headman Bhosek's thugs:
Captain Kaleen: Cross one, you cross them all, and Bhosek will have your head on a pike before you can say, "Please, don't put my head on a pike!"
One quest on Stros M'Kai involves you agreeing to help an orc kill a sea serpent named Deathfang. You go to fight it, the quest message says "Kill Deathfang With Dugroth", and then the serpent comes out of the water. Dugroth runs off, and a second later, it amends itself to say, "Kill Deathfang Without Dugroth".
- Right before this particlar incident, Dugroth leads you to Deathfang, but takes a small detour because "the mudcrabs look tough".
- Even funnier is that Dugroth's model has the height slider all the way down, so pretty much every player character will be One Head Taller than this guy. Keep in mind that every other Orc is The Big Guy.
Jakarn's rationale for leaving a priceless gem in a Goblin camp.
Jakarn: I figure, if you want something kept safe, give it to the Goblins. They'll watch it for free, they're too stupid to trade it, and they'll kill anyone who tries to take it.
In Pariah Catacombs you find a note left by someone who was trapped down there and terrified of the dungeon's boss, who they describe as a skeletal monster that feasts upon the flesh of the living. The note is titled "I know its name" and they end the note by claiming to know the beast's name, but leave you in suspense. It's Uncle Bones, and he is a human skeleton that scuttles about in random patterns on all fours.
High King Emeric is a Deadpan Snarker throughout most of his appearances, but he really gets on a roll in Bangkorai, flat out admitting he's basing his strategy entirely around the player character kicking ass. He's unruffled when the Vestige responds in kind.
Vestige: What are your orders?
Emeric: I'm afraid the "giant Daedric anchors from the sky" issue is more your specialty than my own. I'll let you lead on this one.
Vestige: That doesn't seem very kingly.
The quest involving Dresan Keep has you go down a well to find an ancient library. After completing everything inside, you can ask the ghost how to get out. He replies simply, "Like a civilized person, you may leave through the door on the far side of the vault. No need to use the well again."
Amid the horrors of Rivenspire, there's Darien Gautier's "reconnaissance" in Northpoint. Searching for him in the midst of a highly dangerous battle, you walk in... and find him shirtless, enjoying a post-coital snack by the fire, having seduced an enemy guard captain into giving him vital information. Then Gwendis pops up and reveals she was watching the whole thing. Darien's reaction?
"I wish I'd known she was in here all this time. The more the merrier, I always say."
At Hallin's Stand, the guild trader merchant is an Orc, Glorgzorgo, whose stall has nothing but several spears pointing upward with multiple wedges of cheese speared on each. The store's name, fittingly, is "Glorgzorgo Loves Cheese."

Aldmeri Dominion

One might come across a notice from the Thalmor Diplomatic Corps, with some... advice... on cross-race communication. Regarding the Khajiit, it says the following:
Regarding our friends, the Khajiit:
Do NOT refer to them as "cats".
Do NOT serve them food intended for pet cats.
If you own a pet cat, do NOT call Khajiiti by your cat's name.
Do NOT attempt to grab their tail - unless permission is granted.
An early Dominion quest has you retrieving a Maormer treaty to help resolve a tense diplomatic situation on the Khajiti island of Khenarthi's Roost. The treaty itself has... oddly specific (and nearly extortionate) terms, with a provision requesting an annual feast for visiting Maormer ambassadors, with a particular exhortation that "under no circumstances shall the repugnant dish sugared cuttlefish be served."
In the faction questline for the Aldermeri Dominion, you have the unfortunate task of informing Queen Ayrenn that the leader of a group of antagonistic Altmer extremists is none other than her sister-in-law, Estre. The funny part is Ayrenn scoffs at this, insisting that Estre doesn't know any magic, just as Estre uses a teleport spell to escape. Especially as, because of the way the dialogue screen is framed, Estre is right over Ayrenn's shoulder as she makes her escape.
In Mistral, an Altmer and Bosmer are talking about how idiotic for the Khajiit to refer to Cat's Eye Quay as "Key" - before starting to argue over whether it should actually be pronounced as "Kway" or "Kay".
In Mistral, a Khajiit performer is presenting the most vicious and frightening beast she could find: A normal dog.

Cyrodiil

In Cyrodiil, northeast of Weynon Priory, are two unmarked ruined buildings. They're empty except for a note in one, which seems to explain what happened:
Torchbugs found me again.
Thought I'd killed them last time. But they're back.
This time, no mistakes. I'll burn down the village if I have to. Die, torchbugs.
There's a random house in the snowy northern part of the zone with a Nord couple living there. The husband believes that icy water will make him live forever, so he works up a sweat and then jumps in the lake... or rather, that's the plan, but he chickens out before actually doing it. You can see him repeatedly exercise, run outside, and make excuses before coming back in. His wife, meanwhile, doesn't mind his silly behavior because it means she can read in peace, and every time he tells her that this is the time, she patiently replies, "That's nice, dear."

Other

This little bit of lore from the game's website around the time it was released:
A note from Jumps-Over-Fire, a historian: I am at a loss. All these weeks in study, all the painstaking excavation, the re-excavation after the storms and flooding, the comparison to other ancient temple texts and agonizing over translation, and what do we find? The oldest inscription I have ever encountered, the last recoverable piece of this temple, and what is the engraving? What ancient wisdom from my forefathers? The enlightenment: “By Twice-Sun-Blessed Decree of Chath-Jat, Hist-Speaker and Vanquisher of the Fallow Dryness, He Who Frightened a Bloodplague with Spine Motions Alone: There is to be no running within the temple.”
For the annual Jester's Festival, three performers parody the three alliance leaders: Jester Queen Ayrenn is a Orc who insists on spreading happiness whether her subjects like it or not, Jester King Emeric is an Argonian Henpecked Husband who's afraid of his wife, and Jester King Jorunn is a Khajiit with Delusions of Eloquence engaged to a literal pig.
Three facial scar options for Khajiit are named "This One's Worn Nose", "This One's Very Worn Nose", and "This One Would Like a New Nose".
Various contraband descriptions can be quite humorous. Surprisingly a lot of erotic art.
Art Book, "Allure of the Sweetroll": Rare art book, 'Ong's Passion: Allure of the Sweetroll,' depicting healthy unclad Imperials holding artfully placed sweetrolls.
Book of Erotic Stories: A collection of erotic fiction, featuring pairings of prominent Aldmeri Dominion figures, including Queen Ayrenn and Urcelmo.
Dibella's Bosom Night Favor: A bust of the god of beauty and erotic instruction, kept in Nord bedchambers to make nightly activities more ... invigorating.
Edifying Illusio-Scope: Bulging device with inward-facing goggles and a crank that, when turned, shows the viewer moving images of Bosmer procreation.
Erotic Found Object Mosaic: Assorted junk and scrap arranged to resemble provocative figures in repose, strategically oiled to give a glistening sheen.
Erotic Green Pact Drawings: A collection of plant life drawings that are strangely suggestive.
Framed Snowflake Display: A framed display of various snowflakes, lovingly mounted and catalogued by a diligent Nord—before they melted.
Guide To Approved Methods of Procreation: Illustrated folio from the Thalmor depicting methods of coition "that properly reflect our Altmeri heritage."
Pamphlet of Erotic Engravings: Khajiiti pamphlet showing various forms of erotic dalliance, illustrated by stylized drawings of astoundingly lithe cat-people.
Perfidious Accusation Sleeping Mask: A painted mask fashioned to look like an individual's face, with open, staring eyes. Worn at night to discourage sneak-thieves.
Wooden Building Blocks: Children spend hours stacking these painted wooden building blocks. They spend minutes knocking them over.
Risque Boudoir Portrait: A portrait of a buxom young Nord wearing nothing but a horned helmet and a provocative smile.
Torchbug Makeup: Who would put makeup on a torchbug?
Aristocrat's Alabaster Perfume Bottle: Alabaster perfume bottle with squeeze bulb and brass atomizer, half full of "Eau de Boar Bacon."
Nord Sweat Cologne: An expensive fragrance created by alchemists in Riften, popular with wealthy Dark Elves who want to unleash their inner Nord.
In the Fighters' Guild, some of Cardea Gallus' color commentary when handing out Dark Anchor contracts.
Cardea Gallus: "Our Eastmarch chapter is brimming for a fight with the Worm Cultists. They put a call out for 'all to join in our glory.'...That means they're understaffed and need some help."
Cardea Gallus: [when the Vestige is reporting the completion of a contract in Deshaan]: "I heard. I already received a dozen letters from the temple in Mournhold, each protesting Fighters Guild involvement in their affairs. I thanked them for restocking the latrine."
When acquiring the free inn room from Felande Demarie, she expresses hope that you won't build any Daedric shrines. Your response options are as follows:
Of course! I don't even worship Daedra.
[Lie] Of course! I don't even worship Daedra.
At the end of Falkreath Hold, the Thane you've spent the entire dungeon working your way towards thanks you for your efforts in repelling the Reachman and Minotaur invasion and starts to give a Rousing Speech about how the time has come to turn the tide...and is immediately flattened by the dungeon's final boss crashing through the ceiling.
At the end of White-Gold Tower, you can talk with the Moth priest questgiver concerning the rather grim implications of Molag Kena having impersonated Clivia Tharn has on the real Clivia's survival. She admits that she's not all that concerned, stating that as a Moth Priest, she's learned to think beyond politics and instead focus on the survival and integrity of Nirn as a whole...that, and Clivia once insulted her cat.
The book "All About Giants" makes the legendary Skyrim glitch about Giants and their enormously powerful clubs into actual canon, as it mentions that a Bosmer who tried to befriend a Giant ended up getting launched a full league away from the nearby camp.
Of the houseguests players can buy for their homes, one is a Khajiit named Biro-daro, a scholar who is not the best at hiding his less scholarly intentions.
Biro-daro: Guild-mate! Good to see you! Have you heard of any heists... er, historic expeditions, er, that need a clever thief... er, scholar- gah! Subterfuge is hard, yes?
The description of the Riverwood White Hen pet is funny for those that are familiar with the meme from The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim, where hurting a hen might cause the characters to react disproportionally.
Riverwood White Hen: A hardy domestic chicken found all along Skyrim's White River, said to have been originally bred in the old town of Riverwood. Owners grow extremely attacked to them, and become outraged if they're harmed.
Being such an integral part of the Mage's Guild, some of Sheogorath's best lines come from this questline. The third book trial, Circus of Cheerful Slaughter, is a gold mine for these.
Right off the back we have Sheogorath lighting Prince Maleel al-Akir so he can show the Vestige the way to the "stage"
Maleel al-Akir: *Stumbles hopelessly down the path* My souuuulll is on firreeeeee!!
Sheogorath: Don't forget to light the brazier! *Maleel collapses in the middle of the path, nowhere near any brazier* Ah, ya daft fool.
The first act of Sheogorath's play takes place in the " bustling Pact city of Heartholdhelm". Sheogorath states he has inserted himself into the play for a "small but pivotal role" to get the Pact soldiers fighting.
Sheogorath: Hey! You hate each other, remember?
Pact Soldier: Oh yeah! Get 'em! *Every enemy in the area aggros and starts fighting amongst themselves*
During the Jester's Festival event, one of the daily quests involves an obviously-disguised Daedric Prince Sanguine sending you off to find Daedra to play in a band. At the end of their performance, the Daedroth lutist does a stage dive.
At the end of the Sanctum Ophidia trial, if you walk up to the Serpent Stone, a conversation begins between Atildel and Turuk Redclaws:
Atildel: "The Serpent's Stone. I never thought I'd live to see it. It's huge."
Turuk: "Turuk has seen bigger."
Atildel: "It's a marvel of Nedic sorcery. Imagine - the literal essence of all our troubles in Craglorn trapped in one place. A miracle stone."
Turuk: "Turuk's stones are an equal miracle. Admittedly not Nedic."
Atildel: "You're disgusting."
Turuk: "Turuk tries."

Downloadable Content

Orsinium

In Wrothgar, when discussing a local village's draugr problem with Narsis Dren's apprentice, you can ask her, "Do you think Narsis did something to agitate the draugr?" Her response: "Well, it wouldn't surprise me. He can be very agitating."
Rigurt the Brash from the Ebonheart Pact wants to woo an orc ambassador, and asks you for help. Turns out, the way to court Rigurt learned is actually an ancient marriage proposal, meaning the two of them are engaged, much to Rigurt's confusion.

Thieves Guild

After the "Thieves Guild" update, you are able to use baskets as Hiding Spots from guards if they are chasing you. It works even if you do it right in front of them and they end up looking around frantically for you.
During the storyline, in the al-Danobia tomb, Velsa makes a sarcastic comment to Quen about jumping into the chasm. When you return with Zeira, you find what appears to be Quen floating above the empty space. She announces that she's found an invisible bridge, and Velsa remarks, "So you followed my advice and threw yourself in the chasm." and "Of all the times to take my advice, she decides to do so now."
Later on in the quest involving the al-Danobia tomb, you run into a guardian, an air atronach called Lakayd the Repentant, which demands that you recite Danobia's maxim, to prove that you aren't trespassers...
Walks-Softly: "Falorah!"
Quen: "Yokuda!"
Walks-Softly: "Pass-phrase!"
Quen: "Gaiden Shinji!"
Velsa: Idiots!
Walks-Softly: Velsa, you aren't even trying.
This conversation you can overhear in the Thieves Guild headquarters:
Walks-Softly: The other day, I passed Silver-Claw on the street. He made a strange motion with his hand.
Quen: He did the same thing to me. What do you suppose it meant?
Velsa: I convinced him we have a "thief salute."
Quen: You did not!
Walks-Softly: I thought it was an obscene gesture, so I returned one of my own. I should stop by his shop and apologize.
This lorebook about an ancient prince's flamboyant hairstyles (or "follicular follies", as the book puts it). In particular:
For a recent outing, it was seen that Prince Hew's Hair was artfully arranged as a haj mota about to charge. Rumor has it that the scales of the "hair-beast" were individual rubies of uniform size. The beast's eyes were emeralds. One young maiden was so alarmed by the horror on His Hairness' head that she fainted. Her parents quickly blamed the heat, not the Hair-Mota, so as not to displease Prince Hew. However the young woman was overheard later saying that the emerald eyes kept staring at her until she was quite undone.
The "Forever Hold Your Peace" mission, in which you and a guild mate of your choosing must crash a high profile wedding. Most of the dialogue options are hilariously awkward, from asking your "date" to the wedding, to the commentary on the fancy outfits you have to wear to pass as guests. When Zeira later joins you wearing a bejeweled belly dancer outfit, you can choose to have the following exchange:
Zeira: We'll need to avoid drawing attention to ourselves.
Player Character: And yet you chose to wear.... that.
Chief Inspector Rhanbiq rather hilariously picks up the Idiot Ball at one point, as seen in one of his notes.
Rhanbiq's notes: But where would a pickpocket go to avoid the Guard? It's not as though all the outlaws in town have some sort of refuge.

Dark Brotherhood

The Black Sacraments can be funny, both intentionally and unintentionally.
- Someone apparently ordered a sacrament on a man simply for playing the flute badly.
- There is a noblewoman who impresses the quest-giver by ordering the sacrament on herself, in order to frame her husband. The thing is, all of the Black Sacrament locations are in dungeons or criminal hideouts, places nobles have little reason to be in. Thus, it will be very hard for the authorities to even find her, much less think her murder was not caused by one of the many criminals around her, rather than her husband. And the Speaker thinks it is a shame her intellect is being wasted by a Sacrament.

Daedric War arc (Morrowind, Clockwork City, Summerset)

Morrowind

Part of the Telvanni questline requires you to pickpocket a love poem from the Bosmer girlfriend of a Telvanni mage. Besides the whole "Dunmer noble dating a Bosmer" issue, the mage admits that the poem is a "drunken, cloying mess." Once you successfully retrieve the poem, you'll find that he's, erm, not wrong.
O Ethrandora,
I do adore ya
Your tresses, so red
Look fair on your head
Your smile is so sweet
Like the sweetest guar meat
O Ethrandora,
My heart is for ya
A look from your eyes
Fills me with sighs
When I hear your giggle
My heart does a wiggle
O Ethrandora,
Let me bask in your aura
- Why does he want it back? Because she's blackmailing him with it.
  - ... Which he seems to find arousing.
In a callback to The Elder Scrolls III: Morrowind, the clerk in Seyda Neen - an ancestor of the one you meet in The Elder Scrolls III: Morrowind - complains about how nobody remembers their birth sign and that some people even try to change their answers upon repeat visits.
In a quest in Gnisis, you have to replace a dead kwama queen with a new egg. Unfortunately, the egg is in a hardened dungpile, and already hatching. If not kept from hatching before it can go into the mine, the kwama workers will reject it. The local Telvanni responsible for all the shenanigans volunteers the services of possibly the worst bard in Tamriel, because "his voice will send anyone to sleep!"
- What happens next? While you and your Telvanni friend try to chip the egg out of the dungpile, the bard sings a "song" he wrote especially for the occasion. Picture a tuneless climb from lower notes to an ear-splitting high note:
  Bard: Oh kwama, sweet kwama, don't you wanna be a mamaaaa? [Voice breaks]
- Not only does this nails-on-chalkboards voice cause the hardened dung to shatter, but it offends a nearby cliffstrider enough into attacking the bard and killing him while the Telvanni mage and mine foreman run like hell.
Your reward for putting up with the insufferable Narsis Dren in Vvardenfell is both funny and satisfying. When you get the end, you find no treasure, and he blames you. You have the option to suggest the treasure might be hidden in a nearby well, then push him in when he approaches it. Sadly, he shows up later instead of dying there. For six years his page on UESP was missing the variation of the dialogue for the player's next meeting with him where the player has not pushed him in the well, suggesting that few choose that path.

Clockwork City

The quest "Lost in the Gloam" from the Clockwork City DLC: the antics of the Blackfeather Court (Nocturnal's talking Daedric crows), you becoming their champion to defeat such foes as the Exarchs of Dross (rival crows who you scare away by waving your arms around in a goofy manner... which you're given as an emote as one of the quest rewards) and the Motionless Guardian (literally just a scarecrow that you knock over), and Luciana's deadpan commentary throughout the whole thing as she fails to find the humor in the situation.
The loading screen for Mnemonic Planisphere has a quote from Almalexia about the place:
"Ordinary people keep a journal. Sotha Sil decided to store his memories as star-data in an artificial astronomical matrix keyed to his philosophical musings on the structure of the Aurbis. Of course."

Summerset

The Psijic Order questline has you accompany a talking crystallized magic skull who pretty much says complete nonsense whenever you’re near a time breach, from confusing water with cats, to believing that trees love accordion music, in a chipper British accent. He also repeatedly refers to you as a "meat-brain". This "Augur of the Obscure" spends all his time in your packs, getting rattled around and whacked by things. Notably, he seems to enjoy it. Should you complete the quest chain, you get him as a decor item. He's not any more lucid in your house.
- If you ask him if he's "really that smart", the next dialogue box is simply "<The Augur laughs uncontrollably.>". The audio is eight nonstop seconds of hysterical laughter.
- "Looks like there's another breach here in what can only laughably be called a maze. All right, mate: if you get lost in this thing, I'm going to have to take a long, hard look at our relationship."
- "Snow! Can we make a snow-thing? Snow-person? Whatever? You know, if you make it right, it develops a sad little soul! 'Course it melts later. Bit of a shame, that. But we can name it and everything!"
- "So, Staff of Towers, eh? Lots of peril there, mate. I've got to admit, though, I'm very excited to see how it turns out! I'd say, what? Sixty-percent chance time folds inside-out? We'll see!"
- "Another breach ahead, mate. Uh oh. I see many many stairs in our future. Well, your future. No legs, remember? But don't worry—I'll be right behind you ... doing very little."
- "Wow. Lots of people gathering around this breach. Odd ... they've all got little tails. Wait, wait, I get it now. They're monkeys! I'm telling you mate, it's impossible to tell you all apart!"
- "Breach around here somewhere. Oh, and by the way, Celarus has no idea what he's doing with that staff. Ah well. Dragon Breaks aren't so bad. Ha! I'm joking. They're horrific, mate."
- "Yeah, there's a breach here somewhere. And something's eating it? I certainly wouldn't recommend that. Unless you're really anxious to get sucked through your own belly-button."
- "Hmm. These ruins are dripping with old intention, mate. Forgotten dreamforms, frothing hour-beasts .... Great place for a blood-ritual. Or a very unsettling birthday party."
- "Another breach out there. Maybe we should leave this one be, you know? Honestly, what's the worst that could happen? Wait—I'm not encouraging you to ask me that question. The answer is very graphic."
- "This one's deep, deep down, mate. Kind of like my general expectations of you meat-brains. But you? Oh, you've far exceeded them! Not hard to do when they're practically nonexistent, but still. Kudos!"
At the start of the Cey-Tarn Keep quest, you help Silurie sneak past Lindafwe. The two happen to be childhood friends. As you're distracting the latter, the former sneaks past in the background, and dances around tauntingly for a moment before disappearing inside.
Although it quickly takes a dark turn, the start of the Illumination Academy quest is pretty comedic: imagine walking up to a grand castle-like building, and just outside it you see an Altmer... but when you speak to her, she has the accent of a Nord and the boisterous attitude to go with it. As you traverse the grounds, you'll find, among other things: a Khajiit being chased by a kitten, a man teaching chickens, several people who believe they're on a ship or in snow, and a couple people on all fours oinking like pigs.
At one point in the Summerset storyline, you encounter a Daedric Prince's servant, which appears in the form of a dog. If you ask him who he is, he says "I'm Barbas! I may look like a talking dog, but I'm actually... a talking dog!" (The voice actor sells this beautifully with a distinctly frustrated tone.) And once you end the conversation, the Daedric dog rolls over and starts licking his...parts.
Rigurt the Brash was sent to Summerset, and the way he talks about how his thane spoke about his duties clearly indicates the thane was just trying to get rid of him. Most surprising, this time he actually succeeds intentionally!
- One of the Sapiarchs you have to get to support Rigurt is ecstatic to receive "arousing Nord erotica".
- One of the high-ranking Altmer actually takes an interest in Rigurt and would like to get to know him better. This Altmer is Proxy Queen Alwinarwe of all people.
A possible random encounter involves a Sapiarch harassing his assistants. You can choose to confront him over his bullying behavior, and the Intimidate option has you declare, "I can give you five reasons to treat them better." His response: "Five reasons? Why, that's awfully specific— oh. I see what you mean. Erm. Very well. My assistants can take a reprieve." He then quickly informs them that he has been "induced— rather, enlightened— " by you to let them take a break.
After the main quest, you will find Razum-dar sitting on the throne of Alinor...
Proxy Queen Alwinarwe: Razum-dar... remove your furry seat from our throne.
Razum-dar: After all Raz has done for Queen and country, you would deny him this small comfort?
Proxy Queen Alwinarwe: Why cousin Ayrenn tolerates you, we'll never understand.

Murkmire

If you ask Xukas to tell you about the Glade of Chimes, he replies, "Is the name not clear? It is a glade. It is full of chimes." And if you delay going to the Glade, and speak to him again, he wonders why you're taking so long:
Xukas: Why do you hesitate? Talk to Old Shuvu. He will not bite. And even if he did, it would not hurt because he has no teeth.
Some drunk Argonian dialogue: "Here's the thing. I... I forget the thing."

Season of the Dragon arc (Wrathstone, Elsweyr, Scalebreaker, Dragonhold)

Wrathstone

Depths of Malatar

The various dialogues between Tharayya and her ex-husband Quintus, who, from the story of the Volenfell dungeon, tried to kill her.
Tharayya: Daedra. A parting gift from the Ayleids?
Quintus Verres: You always did have a flair for stating the obvious.
Tharayya: When I want to be wrong, I'll ask for your opinion.
After an ugly fall and battles later, Tharayya is revealed to be safe and sound, much to the annoyance of her ex-husband.
Tharayya: Over here! I'm alive!
Quintus Verres: Unfortunately.
After the battle against the Weeping Woman:
Quintus Verres: Your friends are skilled explorers, Tharayya. They've discovered a woman more frigid than you. I didn't think that was possible.
Tharayya: Shut up, Quintus.
Quintus Verres: Case in point.
Part of the couple's feud is that Quintus stole Tharayya's research on Volenfell, where he died, and Tharayya in turn forced him to reveal his own research on this dungeon. He wishes he just let her have Volenfell. Her response?
Tharayya: You'd have wound up like the rest of this sorry lot. Maybe sorrier. Not even the light of Meridia could improve your complexion.
When Quintus tries to steal Tharayya's life force to escape, she says she underestimated his talent for being a transparent, soul-sucking leech.

Elsweyr

The Elsweyr E3 trailer, when the dragon snarls at Khamira, and Khamira, a regular-sized Khajiit, snarls back to the giant dragon. It is as hilarious as it is awesome.
Rigurt the Brash strikes again, having been honored by the Skald-King to travel as far away from Skyrim as possible to create cultural bonds with the Khajiit.
- The gift he wants to present to the Khajiit lord of Alabaster are saber cat furs. The lord does not take that well and tells Rigurt he will report this war-worthy offense to Queen Ayrenn. Rigurt is ecstatic that his work for peace will reach Queen Ayrenn.
- Rigurt tries to make traditional Nord bread for a Khajiiti master chef. The Khajiit is disgusted by how bread can taste so badly and questions him about that. Rigurt thinks the Khajiit is genuinely interested in the recipe.
- Lastly, Rigurt wants you to help him perform a song to a lady of Rimmen, which seems to be an alfiq. Turns out, though, that it was just the lady's housecat. The Lady has heard about Rigurt's atrocious attempts to impress the other Khajiit, and has cleaned up his mess. She does pretend he did a good job, and awards him a collar with a bell on it, so everyone can hear when the Nord Ambassador Rigurt is near.
In Rimmen Necropolis, you encounter a lazy Khajiit and his ancestor ghost. He asks you to place his ancestor's ashes by his family, so that he can finally get rid of the ghost's nagging. You find out the ancestor was actually royalty in his life, and that he would have revealed to his descendant where their royal treasures are hidden had he taken the urn of ashes to his resting place.
- When the descendant finds out what he missed? He is not too sad about it and says he will think about what to do next after napping and drinking like he always does.
Sheogorath returns for another round of chaos, but reveals he does a bit of moonlighting in Elsweyr as a being simply known as "Shegorath the Skooma Cat". Taking the form of an Alfiq (A Khajiit that looks more like a sentient house cat) in a tiny version of his trademark dresscoat, he acts as what is essentially an equal parts horrific and hilarious avatar of bad drug trips for Khajiit who take too much moon sugar like a drug safety mascot meant to Scare 'Em Straight.
Zumog Phoom has reanimated the head of the Betrayer, but has yet to find the rest of his body despite the Betrayer's nagging. If the player chooses to speak to the Betrayer, he will asks them if he can have their body if Euraxia ever has the player beheaded.
The Betrayer: If Queen Euraxia has you beheaded, do you mind if I lay claim to your body? It's not quite up to my usual standards, but any dagger in the spleen, wouldn't you agree?
When the player and Abnur Tharn are being presented, the announcer makes Tharn's titles and accomplishments sound much more impressive than you being a simple bodyguard.
Announcer: Presenting Abnur Tharn, Grand Chancellor and Overlord of Nibenay, Imperial Battlemage of the Elder Council, and Patriarch of the Tharn dynasty. And his bodyguard.
Abnur Tharn tells the player to be quiet during the audience and let him do the talking, as he is the elder Tharn and will assert dominance over his younger half-sister. When they meet, this happens:
Euraxia Tharn: Ah, half-brother, your arrival, it's so... unexceptional.
Abnur Tharn: Pretending to be a queen isn't-
Euraxia Tharn: Hush, Abnur, you bore me. Bodyguard! You look interesting. Come talk to me.
Abnur Tharn: You heard her. Good luck.
"Preserving the Prowl": You meet the farmer Numaia, who is trying to intimidate you with her guard lion.
Numaia: Hold there, poacher! One more step, and my sweet boy will tear you apart! Come on, Milksop! Get up! Ah! You're useless.
- When asking Numaia about the uncle she bought the farm from:
  Numaia: He was a talented hunter when he was sober. Alas, he was never sober.
At some point in Rimmen, if you walk past the Bandaari caravan stop, someone suddenly falls from the second floor onto a crate. When he gets up, what does the familiar person say?
Jakarn: Hey there, good looking.
After doing "Iron in the Blood", you can ask Mara'dahni if she will be okay clearing the cultists in Darkpool Mine. Surprisingly Realistic Outcome when Mara'dahni is shocked and laughs at your suggestion that she should be able to do so by herself, saying she will send a report for the Northern Elsweyr Defense to send a small army. Clearly, being able to fight through delves of enemies by yourself is not the norm.

Dragonhold

The Senche-raht Caska's blunt remarks throughout the whole main quest are often good for a laugh.
In the ceremony at the end, Za'ji has had a bit too much plum brandy. After the queen declares "Three cheers!", he says, "Three beers? No, Za'ji has had enough, thank you", and then runs to crouch over the edge of the wall as if to vomit off it. When you speak to Sai Sahan afterward, Sai says through a facepalm, "I need to find the queen's court historian. I want to make sure Za'ji's antics don't make it into the official record..." His completely embarrassed tone just tops off the hilarity of the moment.
One of Caska's lines if you purchase her as a houseguest: "My size can be intimidating, I know that. But I'm really just a big poofball. A big... dangerous... unapologetic... poofball! Armed with sharp claws and sharper teeth."

Dark Heart of Skyrim arc (Harrowstorm, Greymoor, Stonethorn, Markarth)

Greymoor

One of the side-quests involves a talking bottle. Specifically, a person trapped in the bottle. The player character is just as confused as the player.
- Then it is revealed that the person in the bottle is Narsis Dren.
  - Even better? At the end you can trick Narsis(again)into touching a cursed bottle. Which returns him to the state you found him in. At which point you can turn the quest into Deem-Vilax back at Solitude. The Argonian decides to use him as a flower vase for a bit to teach him a lesson.
Rigurt the Brash returns once more, this time to make two feuding thanes meet the Jarl of Whiterun for peace negotiations.
- One thane wishes to eat a proper Nordic feast, so Rigurt sends the player to fetch some ingredients, while adding his own secret one.
Thane Svyne: This- this is sodding wonderful! But there's a taste I can't place?
Rigurt the Brash: That's Rigurt's secretest ingredient: powdered hagraven squeezings!
Thane Svyne: Oh... oh no.
In the main quest, you need to get past a sentry to investigate a warehouse. Said sentry turns out to be a massive fan of Lyris Titanborn and asks if she's willing to sign his scabbard. He also, after confirming Sai Sahan isn't around, asks the player if Lyris is spoken for. Either way, the sentry runs off to fetch the scabbard, allowing you to break into the warehouse.

Gates of Oblivion arc (Flames of Ambition, Blackwood, Waking Flame, Deadlands)

Blackwood

King's Ransom: The thieves Seeks-the-Dark and his apprentice, Erilthel, are good for some laughs.
- Seeks keeps telling Erilthel to leave on account of danger. At one point, he says, "At least with Erilthel safely out of the way we only have the relic to worry about," and you say, "You might want to turn around." Sure enough, she came back inside after getting the hostages to safety.
- Seeks comments, "Big room. Big statues. I wager there's some kind of complicated puzzle involving a hidden passage." An examination of the room quickly reveals a large hole in the wall at the other end, and as you approach it, he adds, "Or they could just knock down the wall. Sure."
- After you destroy the attunement crystals only to find it hasn't stopped the ritual:
  Seeks: Oh, come on! We smashed all the things!
  Phedre Lampronius: Fools! Nothing can disrupt this ritual while I possess the power of—-
  [Erilthel falls out of an opening in the ceiling onto the artifact, causing Lampronius to be vaporized]
  Erilthel: Whew! Whatever that was really cushioned my fall. What'd I miss?
  Seeks-the-Dark: You know what? I'll take it. Now, let's get out of here! This whole place is coming down!
- After you get out:
  Seeks-the-Dark: Thank you. If it weren't for you, we couldn't have stopped the Painted Eye.
  Erilthel: You mean it? It was a pretty dramatic entrance wasn't it? Maybe I should practice—-
  Seeks-the-Dark: Don't push it.
- And then:
  Seeks-the-Dark: Now, I need to figure out how to tell the Guild that we didn't get the relic. They won't be happy.
  Erilthel: What do you mean? I have the relic right here. Oh! Careful, still got bits of Painted Eye lady on it.
  Seeks-the-Dark: What? When did you—-
  Erilthel: When you were all: oh, look at the ceiling, it's coming down around us. This is why I should take the lead next time!
  Seeks-the-Dark: Absolutely not.
The quest for the Silent Halls Public Dungeon is mostly serious, as it involves rescuing slaves from the Sul-Xan and the quest makes no illusion to how brutally the slaves are treated, but it does have one bit of hilarity in that the quest-giver is high as a kite throughout the whole thing.

Deadlands

The lorebook Surviving the Shambles. Among other things, it recommends that you do not make eye contact, but that you also don't NOT make eye contact, and that you do not bring up a scamp's mother in conversation.
Arox the Mutilator, a Daedric titan that has been transformed into a daedrat, who accompanies you throughout the main questline. He's still fierce and full of pride, despite being stuck as a rat, and often gleefully offers to fight your enemies... even if all he can do is attack their feet.

Legacy of the Bretons arc (Ascending Tide, High Isle, Lost Depths, Firesong)

Ascending Tide

In the Coral Aerie dungeon, Jakarn boldly confronts the final boss, Varallion, who taunts him in response. Jakarn prepares to fight... but ends up reopening his wounds. Kaleen helps him and leaves the boss to you: "Would you take care of Varallion while I mummify this idiot? Thanks."
In Shipwright's Regret, Za'ji praises you for your "okay-fine-I'll-do-it" attitude.
At one point in Shipwright's Regret, you meet up with Za'ji again when he falls through a roof near you. He remarks that he's not often considered to be overweight, but clearly the roof thought otherwise.

High Isle

One of the daily job brokers sends you on your way:
Druid Peeska: Not that I don't looove standing around and chatting with you, but did I mention there's a possibility of volcanic eruption if we don't get this dealt with? I don't mean to rush you, but... all right, I am rushing you! Get going!
Louna Jolvanne's plan to save her partner in crime from Whalefall: "We ride the raft over to Whalefall, find Anton, then leave." She admits that it actually doesn't sound like much of a plan when she says it aloud.
The way Lady Arabelle Davaux sums up the situation during the first zone story quest, through a facepalm: "The three ships carried High King Emeric, Queen Ayrenn, and Prince Irnskar, son of Jorunn the Skald-King. I dare say I've misplaced the leaders of Tamriel."
Considering that he enjoys the written word so much that he's named after it, one would expect Nilsmon Booklover to be a decent writer as well. Isobel, upon seeing an example of his work, simply sums it up as "That man... That man is not a poet."
Dark eyes, not mine. She drinks wine.
Not with me. She's gone to sea.
How dare she leave me? Doesn't she see me?
I'll go stand on the quay. For a week and a (what rhymes with quay?).

Firesong

The quest at Llanshara involves a pirate crew having accidentally activated a Druid relic that makes everyone in the area... amorous. You spend the entire quest trying to keep track of Quen's buffoonish partner, who has become besotted with a particular Maormer pirate lady.
- Also, Quen's comment at one point: "Seems he's followed his - well, not his heart - right into trouble."
In a delve, typically the boss is a large, imposing monster or a powerful fighter. In Embervine? As you approach the boss's position, you'll witness a Firesong Druid being eaten by a magma frog. But that's not the end of him: he's still alive inside, and promises that you'll face his wrath once he's free. Upon your defeat of the frog, he pops out to fight you and declares dramatically, "Frog, man, or mer. None will stop me!" Another variation has him commenting casually while inside the frog, "Oh, I found Druid Lysse in here."
There's an achievement for kicking a spriggan into lava: there's a random encounter where a man encourages you to do so. Once you do, another spriggan spawns and kicks him into the lava.
One of the random encounters is a marooned pirate very ineffectually trying to threaten you into giving him money. You can offer him tips if you so choose, and one option has you giving an example threat that scares him so much that he decides to give it up, leave the spot to you, and beg to be allowed back on the ship.
During the Epilogue, as you're racing to try and stop the Ascendant Lord from stealing the Druid King's Regalia, you have a chance to indulge in some surprisingly dry wit.
The Vestige: Don't tell me you hid the Crown in the library...

Shadow Over Morrowind arc (Scribes of Fate, Necrom)

Scribes of Fate

One of your allies in Scrivener's Hall is a friendly Watcher named Zilipif. Apparently he - a creature made up of tentacles and eyeballs - is afraid of spiders.

Necrom

The questgiver Hezehk leans on the fourth wall by mentioning that mortals need exercise and that the player character should take a walk.
One of the delve quests involves a pair of Nord twins, one of whom has been transformed into a tomeshell. His sister remarks, "This isn't what I meant when I said you needed to grow a spine."
The Tel Rendys quest involves the angry spirit of the tower's former owner, shouting at you as you ascend the tower. It seems clear that you're destined for a fight once you reach him - and sure enough, when you enter his chamber, the screen turns red and he grows massive in size, roaring, "Prepare to face the fury of Meln the Mouthless, magister of the Telvanni!" And then suddenly he shrinks back to normal and the red effects disappear, and he says, "Or we could have a nice chat and discuss this like civilized people."
At the end of the quest for Gorne, if you advise the questgiver to get rid of the cursed Daedric artifact instead of studying it, then as he prepares to do so the villain of the quest suddenly reappears alive and well and sucker punches the questgiver in the back of the head before taking back the artifact and vanishing.

Funny / The Elder Scrolls Online

Base Game

Downloadable Content

Morrowind

Clockwork City

Summerset

Wrathstone

Depths of Malatar

Elsweyr

Dragonhold

Greymoor

Blackwood

Deadlands

Ascending Tide

High Isle

Firesong

Scribes of Fate

Necrom

Meta

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Index

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Funny / The Elder Scrolls Online

Edit Locked

Base Game

Downloadable Content

Morrowind

Clockwork City

Summerset

Wrathstone

Depths of Malatar

Elsweyr

Dragonhold

Greymoor

Blackwood

Deadlands

Ascending Tide

High Isle

Firesong

Scribes of Fate

Necrom

Meta

Previous

Index

Next