Funny / The Elder Scrolls Online

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    The Game Itself 
  • Naryu Virian is probably the biggest female snarker in the entire game. She is flirtatious, and has a good sense of humor.
  • When you're in Sancre Tor, Abnur Tharn sarcastically mocks Sai Sahan's decision on hiding the Amulet of Kings in Sancre Tor. Then Lyris and Sai Sahan say at the exact same time "Shut up, Tharn".
  • When first waking up on Stros M'Kai, Captain Kaleen tells you about Headman Bhosek's thugs:
    Captain Kaleen: Cross one, you cross them all, and Bhosek will have your head on a pike before you can say, "Please, don't put my head on a pike!"
  • One quest on Stros M'Kai involves you agreeing to help an orc kill a sea serpent named Deathfang. You go to fight it, the quest message says "Kill Deathfang With Dugroth", and then the serpent comes out of the water. Dugroth runs off, and a second later, it amends itself to say, "Kill Deathfang Without Dugroth".
    • Right before this particlar incident, Dugroth leads you to Deathfang, but takes a small detour because "the mudcrabs look tough".
  • In Mistral, an Altmer and Bosmer are talking about how idiotic for the Khajiit to refer to Cat's Eye Quay as "Key" - before starting to argue over whether it should actually be pronounced as "Kway" or "Kay".
  • This little bit of lore from the game's website:
    A note from Jumps-Over-Fire, a historian: I am at a loss. All these weeks in study, all the painstaking excavation, the re-excavation after the storms and flooding, the comparison to other ancient temple texts and agonizing over translation, and what do we find? The oldest inscription I have ever encountered, the last recoverable piece of this temple, and what is the engraving? What ancient wisdom from my forefathers? The enlightenment: “By Twice-Sun-Blessed Decree of Chath-Jat, Hist-Speaker and Vanquisher of the Fallow Dryness, He Who Frightened a Bloodplague with Spine Motions Alone: There is to be no running within the temple.”
  • The drunken rambling from the revelers in Windhelm can be pretty funny.
    "I'll have... what I'm having..."
    "I need another drink like I need a head in the hole."
  • A quest in Stonefalls involves stealing a rare bottle of wine from a bartender. To get the bottle, you need to distract the owner through one of two ways. The first is releasing a rat in the establishment. The second is giving a bottle of cheap alto wine to a known patron who sings... badly when drunk. The song he sings about cliff racers is truly spectacular.
  • A quest in Eastmarch sees you helping a Nord who wishes to help the giants fight the Stormfists. She tells you that one giant can help you break into their camp. After a bit of awkward non-communication between you and the giant...he just drop-kicks you over the wall.
  • In Pariah Catacombs you find a note left by someone who was trapped down there and terrified of the dungeon's boss, who they describe as a skeletal monster that feasts upon the flesh of the living. The note is titled "I know its name" and they end the note by claiming to know the beast's name, but leave you in suspense. It's Uncle Bones, and he is a human skeleton that scuttles about in random patterns on all fours.
  • When asked to find items to identify the victims of the Worm Cult in the Rift you find a book of poetry on the body of one soldier, which has a copy of "The Lusty Argonian Maid" hidden inside it.
  • One of the sidequests given to you in Shadowfen, by an Argonian who wants to avenge his family, has you killing the leader of the Dominion regiment near an abandoned village, and cutting out his heart. What does the Argonian do with the heart? Throws it out to the swamp so a wild Wamasu can eat it.
  • The two quests with Stibbons in Coldharbour. The first has you rescuing him from a lonely Winged Twilight who is attracted to him, and the second has you rescuing him from Dark Seducers. Hilarity naturally ensues.
  • With the Thieves Guild DLC now live, you are able to use baskets as Hiding Spots from guards if they are chasing you. It works even if you do it right in front of them and they end up looking around frantically for you.
  • Each of the three faction's spymaster know each other. When trying to convince the alliance leaders to sign a ceasefire in order to invade Coldharbour, the spymaster asks you to say hi to your own faction's spymaster for them.
  • If you buy a drink for the Undaunted ghosts in the Hollow City, you are treated to the following exchange:
    Tubidan the Alarmist: Your generosity is five-clawed, my friend! Listen, everyone. That one bought us a drink. This calls for a song!
    Savage Sehlena: You asked for a drink? Tubidan. You're dead. What a waste of coin!
    Sahba the Bonecrusher: You're an idiot, Tubidan.
    Tubidan: Silence, both of you! That one bought Khajiit a drink.
    Sehlena: So now you're going to sing?
    Tubidan: No. Khajiit is most Undaunted here. You will sing.
    Sehlena: What? No!
    Tubidan: And you will sing, Sahba.
    Sahba: Go play in the Vaults of Madness, Tubidan.
    Tubidan: All are staying in this tavern until you sing! So sing, fools!
    • And then they do sing:
    Sehlena: Who knows no fear... of beast or blade?
    Sehlena and Sahba: Undaunted! Undaunted!
    Tubidan: Yes. Yes!
    Sahba: Who knows no fear... of Daedric planes?
    Tubidan: Tell me! Tell me who!
    Sehlena and Sahba: We are Undaunted!
    Sehlena: Who knows no fear... of death? Of age?
    Tubidan: Louder! By the Bright Moons! Louder!
    Sehlena and Sahba: Undaunted! Undaunted! We are Undaunted!
    Tubidan: That's the stuff!
    Sehlena: Someone pass a sword through my face.
    Sahba: It wouldn't kill you.
  • In Dominion territory one might come across a notice from the Thalmor Diplomatic Corps, with some... advice... on cross-race communication. Regarding the Khajiit, it says the following:
    Regarding our friends, the Khajiit:
    Do NOT refer to them as "cats".
    Do NOT serve them food intended for pet cats.
    If you own a pet cat, do NOT call Khajiiti by your cat's name.
    Do NOT attempt to grab their tail - unless permission is granted.
  • An early Dominion quest has you retrieving a Maormer treaty to help resolve a tense diplomatic situation on the Khajiti island of Khenarthi's Roost. The treaty itself has... oddly specific (and nearly extortionate) terms, with a provision requesting an annual feast for visiting Maormer ambassadors, with a particular exhortation that "under no circumstances shall the repugnant dish sugared cuttlefish be served."
  • A Pact quest has you gathering ingredients for an Argonian trying to join the Mage's Guild. The last part has you drinking the potion she made, and reporting back with the results. What happens when you drink it? You see a mammoth... being chased by a cat.
  • In Cyrodiil, northeast of Weynon Priory, are two unmarked ruined buildings. They're empty except for a note in one, which seems to explain what happened:
    Torchbugs found me again.
    Thought I'd killed them last time. But they're back.
    This time, no mistakes. I'll burn down the village if I have to. Die, torchbugs.
  • In Wrothgar, when discussing a local village's draugr problem with Narsis Dren's apprentice, you can ask her, "Do you think Narsis did something to agitate the draugr?" Her response: "Well, it wouldn't surprise me. He can be very agitating."
  • During the Thieves Guild questline, in the al-Danobia tomb, Velsa makes a sarcastic comment to Quen about jumping into the chasm. When you return with Zeira, you find what appears to be Quen floating above the empty space. She announces that she's found an invisible bridge, and Velsa remarks, "So you followed my advice and threw yourself in the chasm." and "Of all the times to take my advice, she decides to do so now."
  • Later on in the quest involving the al-Danobia tomb, you run into a guardian, an air atronach called Lakayd the Repentant, which demands that you recite Danobia's maxim, to prove that you aren't trespassers...
    Walks-Softly: "Falorah!"
    Quen: "Yokuda!"
    Walks-Softly: "Pass-phrase!"
    Quen: "Gaiden Shinji!"
    Velsa: Idiots!
    Walks-Softly: Velsa, you aren't even trying.
  • Three facial scar options for Khajiit are named "This One's Worn Nose", "This One's Very Worn Nose", and "This One Would Like a New Nose".
  • This conversation you can overhear in the Thieves Guild headquarters:
    Walks-Softly: The other day, I passed Silver-Claw on the street. He made a strange motion with his hand.
    Quen: He did the same thing to me. What do you suppose it meant?
    Velsa: I convinced him we have a "thief salute."
    Quen: You did not!
    Walks-Softly: I thought it was an obscene gesture, so I returned one of my own. I should stop by his shop and apologize.
  • The quest "Lost in the Gloam" from the Clockwork City DLC: the antics of the Blackfeather Court (Nocturnal's talking Daedric crows), you becoming their champion to defeat such foes as the Exarchs of Dross (rival crows who you scare away by waving your arms around in a goofy manner... which you're given as an emote as one of the quest rewards) and the Motionless Guardian (literally just a scarecrow that you knock over), and Luciana's deadpan commentary throughout the whole thing as she fails to find the humor in the situation.
  • From the Morrowind DLC: part of the Telvanni questline requires you to pickpocket a love poem from the Bosmer girlfriend of a Telvanni mage. Besides the whole "Dunmer noble dating a Bosmer" issue, the mage admits that the poem is a "drunken, cloying mess." Once you successfully retrieve the poem, you'll find that he's, erm, not wrong.
    O Ethrandora,
    I do adore ya
    Your tresses, so red
    Look fair on your head
    Your smile is so sweet
    Like the sweetest guar meat
    O Ethrandora,
    My heart is for ya
    A look from your eyes
    Fills me with sighs
    When I hear your giggle
    My heart does a wiggle
    O Ethrandora,
    Let me bask in your aura
    • Why does he want it back? Because she's blackmailing him with it.
      • ... Which he seems to find arousing.
  • In a callback to The Elder Scrolls III: Morrowind, the clerk in Seyda Neen - an ancestor of the one you meet in TESIII - complains about how nobody remembers their birth sign and that some people even try to change their answers upon repeat visits.
  • In a quest in Gnisis in the Morrowind DLC, you have to replace a dead kwama queen with a new egg. Unfortunately, the egg is in a hardened dungpile — and already hatching. If not kept from hatching before it can go into the mine, the kwama workers will reject it. The local Telvanni responsible for all the shenanigans volunteers the services of possibly the worst bard in Tamriel, because "his voice will send anyone to sleep!"
    • What happens next? While you and your Telvanni friend try to chip the egg out of the dungpile, the bard sings a "song" he wrote especially for the occasion. Picture a tuneless climb from lower notes to an ear-splitting high note:
    • Not only does this nails-on-chalkboards voice cause the hardened dung to shatter, but it offends a nearby cliffstrider enough into attacking the bard and killing him while the Telvanni mage and mine foreman run like hell.
  • This lorebook about an ancient prince's flamboyant hairstyles. In particular:
    For a recent outing, it was seen that Prince Hew's Hair was artfully arranged as a haj mota about to charge. Rumor has it that the scales of the "hair-beast" were individual rubies of uniform size. The beast's eyes were emeralds. One young maiden was so alarmed by the horror on His Hairness' head that she fainted. Her parents quickly blamed the heat, not the Hair-Mota, so as not to displease Prince Hew. However the young woman was overheard later saying that the emerald eyes kept staring at her until she was quite undone.
  • For the annual Jester's Festival, three performers parody the three alliance leaders: Jester Queen Ayrenn is a Tastes Like Diabetes Orc who insists on spreading happiness, Jester King Emeric is an Argonian Henpecked Husband who's afraid of his wife, and Jester King Emeric is a Khajiit with Delusions of Eloquence engaged to a literal pig.
  • In the faction questline for the Aldermeri Dominion, you have the unfortunate task of informing Queen Ayrenn that the leader of a group of antagonistic Altmer extremist is none other than her sister-in-law, Estre. The funny part is Ayrenn scoffs at this, insisting that Estre doesn't know any magic, just as Estre uses a teleport spell to escape.

  • The megaservers had maintenance done due to the "leap second" at the end of June 2015. Their announcement said "Yes, we're serious".
  • The April Fool's Day 2016 Natch Potes.
  • On the day the Morrowind expansion was revealed, they were trying to update the official ESO forum to a new Vvardenfell-themed skin, but something broke and it had to be reverted to the original 2014 design. Someone asked for a ZOS haiku, and Gina Bruno responded:
    Forum redesign
    Using an old color scheme
    Don't get used to it
  • During the Feb 24 '17 episode of ESO Live where they first showed footage of Vvardenfell, Jessica Folsom innocently summed up the Telvanni mushroom towers as "Size is a measure of power." Laughter immediately ensued both onstage and in the Twitch chat.
    Rich Wheeler: "Oh, I'm glad you said that."
  • Lawrence Schick's Vivec impression.
  • Becky Ichnoski, the dialog coordinator of the game, once played a crappy version of Red Diamond on flute, which she jokingly called "/shittyflute". In addition to being added to a random NPC in one of the Dark Brotherhood quests, it was later added as a placeholder to a bard factotum called "Auditory Simulator" in Clockwork City. People loved it so much in alpha and beta that it was kept there permanently.
  • Some of the sound effects have funny stories:
    • In Clockwork City, a lot of percussion in the music is from things like Brad Derrick hitting his HVAC. They also had to be tuned to the key of A minor since that was what a lot of the sound effects were set to.
    • The story behind the New Life Festival burp:
    Bill Mueller: For the new life festival there is one part where the player needs to burp to a few different NPCs. The animation of the burping was realllly long, and I was having issues getting something to sound good. I can't burp very well haha. But actually found a world builder who said he could not only burp on demand but do really long ones. He comes into my office, and lays one down for me and my jaw dropped. It was perfect. It's days like those that make me go "yup. I picked the right job" haha
    • When recording the Elk noises, they bought actual elk calls, and apparently ended up "pissing off a whole floor of game devs that day".
    • According to Josh Smith, "The Tomb Guardians are what happens when you bring a very deep voiced man in front of a microphone and say, "can you do, like, Tibetan throat singing?" "
    • Gina once opened her car door and Matt Conway came running over and said "That was a great squeak, mind if I record it?"
  • The Oct 27 '17 episode of ESO Live. Highlights include Becky's trumpet version of the shittyflute song, and this bit where Brad Derrick makes faces while they're playing the "final" version of the music which results in Gina crying from laughing.

    Patch Notes 
  • From 1.3.5: "Vampires can no longer feed upon Camels."
  • From PTS 1.5: "Amended some inconsistencies in Fishy Stick recipes. Fishy Sticks are now all more similar. If a stick of fish is a fish stick, it will stick like other fish sticks stick."
  • 1.6.5:
    • "The Ultimate Riverhold Beef Pasty now looks more like a pot pie and less like a cookie."
    • "A goat that was previously trapped between a wall and a dye station has been rescued. The Tamrielic Goatherd Society rejoices at this turn of events."
  • 2.2.0: "Beaunois Edette no longer walks on furniture like an uncultured jerk."
  • 2.3.0: "A giant rock no longer hovers over the zone threatening to crash into Tamriel."
  • 2.4.0: "Royal Court Jester Costume: You will no longer see through areas of the torso from this costume when looking at it from the ground up. What were you doing on the ground in the first place?"
  • 2.4.5: "The Fetish of Anger Memento no longer grants additional damage on your next attack. It will still display its visual effects when used, so you can still use it to get really angry."
  • 2.5.0:
    • "The Trial of the Ghost Snake: Clarified that the rodents you need to search for are of an unusual size."
    • "The book "Mysterious Akavir" has previously—quite mysteriously—disappeared from bookshelves across the world. With the help of four young musicians and a talking horker, we solved the mystery, and restored the book to its rightful place in libraries across Tamriel."
    • "We've made a new, unique icon for Tempering Alloy. No longer will you mistake it for Citrine, or vice-versa."
  • 2.6.1: "Fixed an issue where the Air Atronach and the Welwa Master in Hel Ra Citadel had their loot switched. After a wacky set of sitcom-esque hijinks, their loot has been returned to their rightful owners, and no life-lessons of any value were learned."
  • 2.6.6: "The Mage Celestial will no longer get stuck on her platform, refusing to come down to face your wrath."
  • 2.6.7: "Stormreeve Neidir will no longer follow cowardly player characters away from the summit of Tempest Island."
  • 2.6.9: "The rear entrance of Cracked Wood Cave has been flooded and, therefore, temporarily sealed shut. That’s one way to prevent you from encountering a black screen!"
  • PTS 2.7.0 in particular is a goldmine of these. Highlights include:
    • "Fixed an issue where water skins, Nirnroot, and Water Hyacinth were erroneously appearing as pools of water in Hew's Bane, rendering them invisible and yet still strangely damp."
    • "When using the /eatsoup emote, you will now actually eat out of a bowl like a civilized citizen."
    • "Dogs can no longer teleport while chasing cats (much to the disappointment of the dogs)."
    • "Razum-dar will no longer try to walk through doors by mashing his face into it. Silly Khajiit, that's not how doors work."
    • "Drunk Personality: Fixed an issue where you would drunkenly refill your cup when using a Soul Gem to revive. Revive first, then refill your cup!"
    • "Pyn Virien, found in the town of Chorrol, is now a Weaponsmith and offers the standard selection of goods shared by similar merchants throughout Tamriel. In fairness to her, her cart is still broken, so the news of One Tamriel took a very long time to reach her ears."
    • "Lord Vurlop will now properly respawn as your follower if your character dies in Fort Amol to guards, gravity, or the sudden onset of extreme old age."
    • "Magister Marthine Augier is now officially a "Magister" and not a "Guildmagister"—an archaic title that only existed for a brief time within the Mages Guild."
  • 2.7.3: "Moved Bear non-combat pets from the Felines category to a new category for Bears. Because bears aren’t cats."
  • PTS 3.0.1:
    • "Neria Lerano is now, thankfully, wearing pants."
    • "Fixed an issue where Millenith was referred to as "fffffffMillenith" on certain steps of Crafting Certification. Unrelated, we’ve also removed the cat from the office."'
  • PTS 3.0.2:
    • "Vivec’s loin cloth is now better behaved. Oh my!"
    • "After all these years, the Ashlanders have finally learned that trying to eat while wearing facemasks is a bad idea."
    • "Narsis Dren has lost several of his superpowers, including the ability to run through walls, sink through stairs, and be in two places at once."'
  • PTS 3.0.3:
    • "Narsis Dren lost another superpower — only one of him will appear when he picks up the skull. The world is not ready for two Narsis Drens!"
    • "Realizing that history will record her as Imperial, Volrina Quarra has decided not to argue and has changed herself to an Imperial."
  • 2.7.4: "Alessio Guillon, who grants the quest Missing Prophecy, has found his pants, grown in his hair and eyebrows, and is now more talkative." Even funnier is that this was one of only two things fixed in this patch, and that Rich Lambert, who famously always wears shorts, responded, "140mb for pants... This is why I never wear them."
  • PTS 3.0.4: "Divayth Fyr will no longer get so excited that he interrupts his own dialogue."
  • 3.0.6: "Fixed an issue where arms would be missing on characters wearing Ashlander armor. No need to be up in arms about this issue, t’was merely a flesh wound."
  • 3.1.5:
    • "Vivec’s underwear is now the same color as his loin cloth, for those of you who previously checked."
    • "Fixed an issue that caused the killing of Nix-Ox livestock to advance the Poultry Assassin achievement instead of the Ground Beef achievement (but it still tastes like chicken)."
    • "Slaves are now easier to steal from. You monster."
  • PTS 3.2.2: "The “Clockwork Meal, Plate” and “Clockwork Meal, Dish” furnishings no longer have their names swapped. A dish is a dish, and a plate is a plate, and in Sotha Sil’s realm they now tell it straight."
  • 3.2.5:
    • "Fixed a typo in the component text for the "Daedroth Dropper" achievement from Veteran White-Gold Tower. Dardroths are not a thing."
    • "Marbruk: Eralgor no longer walks up onto walls in his sweeping fervor. Tone it down, man. You're at an 11. We need you at a 6."
  • PTS 3.3.0:
    • The Precursor has learned his lefts and rights—installing his right leg no longer causes his left leg to appear, and vice versa. (It turns out your left hand is the one that makes an “L” shape if you hold it with your palm facing out. Handy, right?)
    • Dawn of the Exalted Viper: Kelmen Locke is no longer hanging around in the Star-Gazer Observatory after he should be extremely very ultra-dead.
    • You will no longer be directed throughout interiors of Davon’s Watch via a maddening tangle of non-Euclidian nightmares, sending you through non-existent doors outside of time and space.
  • PTS 4.0.0:
    • Your facial hair (specifically Bosun's Droop, Handlebar Mustache and Modest Manly Mustache) no longer changes color based on the dye used on the Glass Rawhide helmet.
    • Fixed an issue that caused the "Stablemaster's Sign, Large" furnishing to appear as Bind on Equip. The ancient art of sign wielding has not been seen in Tamriel since time immemorial.
    • Your game may freeze or crash if you loiter too long around the Sarcophagi in Direnni Acropolis. Just… don’t stop and smell the skeletons.
  • PTS 4.0.1: A cat in Lillandril finally got tired of players sitting on her and moved off her chair. The other cats think she gave up too easily.
  • PTS 4.0.2: The summoner requesting help in the wilderness will no longer shout endlessly about his predicament. He has advanced to the next stage of accepting his fate.