Funny / The Elder Scrolls Online

The Game Itself
  • Naryu Virian is probably the biggest female snarker in the entire game. She is flirtatious, and has a good sense of humor.
  • When you're in Sancre Tor, Abnur Tharn sarcastically mocks Sai Sahan's decision on hiding the Amulet of Kings in Sancre Tor. Then Lyris and Sai Sahan say at the exact same time "Shut up, Tharn".
  • When first waking up on Stros M'Kai, Captain Kaleen tells you about Headman Bhosek's thugs:
    Captain Kaleen: Cross one, you cross them all, and Bhosek will have your head on a pike before you can say, "Please, don't put my head on a pike!"
  • One quest on Stros M'Kai involves you agreeing to help an orc kill a sea serpent named Deathfang. You go to fight it, the quest message says "Kill Deathfang With Dugroth", and then the serpent comes out of the water. Dugroth runs off, and a second later, it amends itself to say, "Kill Deathfang Without Dugroth".
    • Right before this particlar incident, Dugroth leads you to Deathfang, but takes a small detour because "the mudcrabs look tough".
  • In Mistral, an Altmer and Bosmer are talking about how idiotic for the Khajiit to refer to Cat's Eye Quay as "Key" - before starting to argue over whether it should actually be pronounced as "Kway" or "Kay".
  • This little bit of lore from the game's website:
    A note from Jumps-Over-Fire, a historian: I am at a loss. All these weeks in study, all the painstaking excavation, the re-excavation after the storms and flooding, the comparison to other ancient temple texts and agonizing over translation, and what do we find? The oldest inscription I have ever encountered, the last recoverable piece of this temple, and what is the engraving? What ancient wisdom from my forefathers? The enlightenment: “By Twice-Sun-Blessed Decree of Chath-Jat, Hist-Speaker and Vanquisher of the Fallow Dryness, He Who Frightened a Bloodplague with Spine Motions Alone: There is to be no running within the temple.”
  • The drunken rambling from the revelers in Windhelm can be pretty funny.
    "I'll have... what I'm having..."
  • A quest in Stonefalls involves stealing a rare bottle of wine from a bartender. To get the bottle, you need to distract the owner through one of two ways. The first is releasing a rat in the establishment. The second is giving a bottle of cheap alto wine to a known patron who sings... badly when drunk. The song he sings about cliff racers is truly spectacular.
  • A quest in Eastmarch sees you helping a Nord who wishes to help the giants fight the Stormfists. She tells you that one giant can help you break into their camp. After a bit of awkward non-communication between you and the giant...he just drop-kicks you over the wall.
  • In Pariah Catacombs you find a note left by someone who was trapped down there and terrified of the dungeon's boss, who they describe as a skeletal monster that feasts upon the flesh of the living. The note is titled "I know its name" and they end the note by claiming to know the beast's name, but leave you in suspense. It's Uncle Bones, and he is a human skeleton that scuttles about in random patterns on all fours.
  • When asked to find items to identify the victims of the Worm Cult in the Rift you find a book of poetry on the body of one soldier, which has a copy of "The Lusty Argonian Maid" hidden inside it.
  • One of the sidequests given to you in Shadowfen, by an Argonian who wants to avenge his family, has you killing the leader of the Dominion regiment near an abandoned village, and cutting out his heart. What does the Argonian do with the heart? Throws it out to the swamp so a wild Wamasu can eat it.
  • The two quests with Stibbons in Coldharbour. The first has you rescuing him from a lonely Winged Twilight who is attracted to him, and the second has you rescuing him from Dark Seducers. Hilarity naturally ensues.
  • With the Thieves Guild DLC now live, you are able to use baskets as Hiding Spots from guards if they are chasing you. It works even if you do it right in front of them and they end up looking around frantically for you.
  • Each of the three faction's spymaster know each other. When trying to convince the alliance leaders to sign a ceasefire in order to invade Coldharbour, the spymaster asks you to say hi to your own faction's spymaster for them.
  • If you buy a drink for the Undaunted ghosts in the Hollow City, you are treated to the following exchange:
    Tubidan the Alarmist: Your generosity is five-clawed, my friend! Listen, everyone. That one bought us a drink. This calls for a song!
    Savage Sehlena: You asked for a drink? Tubidan. You're dead. What a waste of coin!
    Sahba the Bonecrusher: You're an idiot, Tubidan.
    Tubidan: Silence, both of you! That one bought Khajiit a drink.
    Sehlena: So now you're going to sing?
    Tubidan: No. Khajiit is most Undaunted here. You will sing.
    Sehlena: What? No!
    Tubidan: And you will sing, Sahba.
    Sahba: Go play in the Vaults of Madness, Tubidan.
    Tubidan: All are staying in this tavern until you sing! So sing, fools!
    • And then they do sing:
    Sehlena: Who knows no fear... of beast or blade?
    Sehlena and Sahba: Undaunted! Undaunted!
    Tubidan: Yes. Yes!
    Sahba: Who knows no fear... of Daedric planes?
    Tubidan: Tell me! Tell me who!
    Sehlena and Sahba: We are Undaunted!
    Sehlena: Who knows no fear... of death? Of age?
    Tubidan: Louder! By the Bright Moons! Louder!
    Sehlena and Sahba: Undaunted! Undaunted! We are Undaunted!
    Tubidan: That's the stuff!
    Sehlena: Someone pass a sword through my face.
    Sahba: It wouldn't kill you.
  • In Dominion territory one might come across a notice from the Thalmor Diplomatic Corps, with some... advice... on cross-race communication. Regarding the Khajiit, it says the following:
    Regarding our friends, the Khajiit:
    Do NOT refer to them as "cats".
    Do NOT serve them food intended for pet cats.
    If you own a pet cat, do NOT call Khajiiti by your cat's name.
    Do NOT attempt to grab their tail - unless permission is granted.
  • An early Dominion quest has you retrieving a Maormer treaty to help resolve a tense diplomatic situation on the Khajiti island of Khenarthi's Roost. The treaty itself has... oddly specific (and nearly extortionate) terms, with a provision requesting an annual feast for visiting Maormer ambassadors, with a particular exhortation that "under no circumstances shall the repugnant dish sugared cuttlefish be served."

  • The megaservers had maintenance done due to the "leap second" at the end of June 2015. Their announcement said "Yes, we're serious".
  • On the day the Morrowind expansion was revealed, they were trying to update the official ESO forum to a new Vvardenfell-themed skin, but something broke and it had to be reverted to the original 2014 design. Someone asked for a ZOS haiku, and Gina Bruno responded:
    Forum redesign
    Using an old color scheme
    Don't get used to it
  • During the Feb 24 '17 episode of ESO Live where they first showed footage of Vvardenfell, Jessica Folsom innocently summed up the Telvanni mushroom towers as "Size is a measure of power." Laughter immediately ensued both onstage and in the Twitch chat.
  • The patch notes can be funny at times.
    • From 1.3.5: "Vampires can no longer feed upon Camels."
    • From PTS 1.5: "Amended some inconsistencies in Fishy Stick recipes. Fishy Sticks are now all more similar. If a stick of fish is a fish stick, it will stick like other fish sticks stick."
    • 1.6.5:
      • "The Ultimate Riverhold Beef Pasty now looks more like a pot pie and less like a cookie."
      • "A goat that was previously trapped between a wall and a dye station has been rescued. The Tamrielic Goatherd Society rejoices at this turn of events."
    • 2.2.0: "Beaunois Edette no longer walks on furniture like an uncultured jerk."
    • 2.3.0: "A giant rock no longer hovers over the zone threatening to crash into Tamriel."
    • 2.4.0: "Royal Court Jester Costume: You will no longer see through areas of the torso from this costume when looking at it from the ground up. What were you doing on the ground in the first place?"
    • 2.4.5: "The Fetish of Anger Memento no longer grants additional damage on your next attack. It will still display its visual effects when used, so you can still use it to get really angry."
    • 2.5.0:
      • "The Trial of the Ghost Snake: Clarified that the rodents you need to search for are of an unusual size."
      • "The book "Mysterious Akavir" has previously—quite mysteriously—disappeared from bookshelves across the world. With the help of four young musicians and a talking horker, we solved the mystery, and restored the book to its rightful place in libraries across Tamriel."
      • "We've made a new, unique icon for Tempering Alloy. No longer will you mistake it for Citrine, or vice-versa."
    • 2.6.1: "Fixed an issue where the Air Atronach and the Welwa Master in Hel Ra Citadel had their loot switched. After a wacky set of sitcom-esque hijinks, their loot has been returned to their rightful owners, and no life-lessons of any value were learned."
    • 2.6.6: "The Mage Celestial will no longer get stuck on her platform, refusing to come down to face your wrath."
    • 2.6.7: "Stormreeve Neidir will no longer follow cowardly player characters away from the summit of Tempest Island."
    • 2.6.9: "The rear entrance of Cracked Wood Cave has been flooded and, therefore, temporarily sealed shut. That’s one way to prevent you from encountering a black screen!"
    • PTS 2.7.0 in particular is a goldmine of these. Highlights include:
      • "Fixed an issue where water skins, Nirnroot, and Water Hyacinth were erroneously appearing as pools of water in Hew's Bane, rendering them invisible and yet still strangely damp."
      • "When using the /eatsoup emote, you will now actually eat out of a bowl like a civilized citizen."
      • "Dogs can no longer teleport while chasing cats (much to the disappointment of the dogs)."
      • "Razum-dar will no longer try to walk through doors by mashing his face into it. Silly Khajiit, that's not how doors work."
      • "Drunk Personality: Fixed an issue where you would drunkenly refill your cup when using a Soul Gem to revive. Revive first, then refill your cup!"
      • "Pyn Virien, found in the town of Chorrol, is now a Weaponsmith and offers the standard selection of goods shared by similar merchants throughout Tamriel. In fairness to her, her cart is still broken, so the news of One Tamriel took a very long time to reach her ears."
      • "Lord Vurlop will now properly respawn as your follower if your character dies in Fort Amol to guards, gravity, or the sudden onset of extreme old age."
      • "Magister Marthine Augier is now officially a "Magister" and not a "Guildmagister"—an archaic title that only existed for a brief time within the Mages Guild."
    • 2.7.3: "Moved Bear non-combat pets from the Felines category to a new category for Bears. Because bears aren’t cats."
    • PTS 3.0.1:
      • "Neria Lerano is now, thankfully, wearing pants."
      • "Fixed an issue where Millenith was referred to as "fffffffMillenith" on certain steps of Crafting Certification. Unrelated, we’ve also removed the cat from the office."'
    • PTS 3.0.2:
      • "Vivec’s loin cloth is now better behaved. Oh my!"
      • "After all these years, the Ashlanders have finally learned that trying to eat while wearing facemasks is a bad idea."
      • "Narsis Dren has lost several of his superpowers, including the ability to run through walls, sink through stairs, and be in two places at once."'
    • PTS 3.0.3:
      • "Narsis Dren lost another superpower — only one of him will appear when he picks up the skull. The world is not ready for two Narsis Drens!"
      • "Realizing that history will record her as Imperial, Volrina Quarra has decided not to argue and has changed herself to an Imperial."
    • 2.7.4: "Alessio Guillon, who grants the quest Missing Prophecy, has found his pants, grown in his hair and eyebrows, and is now more talkative." Even funnier is that this was one of only two things fixed in this patch, and that Rich Lambert, who famously always wears shorts, responded, "140mb for pants... This is why I never wear them."
    • PTS 3.0.4: "Divayth Fyr will no longer get so excited that he interrupts his own dialogue."
    • 3.0.6: "Fixed an issue where arms would be missing on characters wearing Ashlander armor. No need to be up in arms about this issue, t’was merely a flesh wound."