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Funny: The Daily Show And The Colbert Report
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To return to The Colbert Report, please click here.
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Joint Funny
- The end of the 2008 election special
 , where the cast suffer an epic Heroic BSOD upon learning that the punditry is over and that they don't need to cover the election any more. This results in Stephen Colbert putting on dark glasses and large earmuffs to try and block out the reality of Obama's election, Rob Riggle's "grieving process" (involving him losing his pants, for some reason known only to himself), and Aasif Mandvi, having previously been in 'Pakistan', bursting in to plead Jon Stewart not to let it end:
Jon Stewart: Aasif... You're in Pakistan! Aasif Mandvi: I am too upset to be confined by your logic, Stewart!
- Oprah's appearance, giving rally tickets to the entire audience.
Stephen: Jon, your rally is supposed to be all about sanity. And that was completely insane.
- The Rally to Restore Sanity And/Or Fear. All of it.
- Yusuf's Peace Train vs. Ozzy Ozborne's Crazy Train. The winner: Love Train.
- Stephen Colbert emerges from the stage like a Chilean miner.
- Dressed as Evel Knievel, to boot.
- The Mythbusters appear to perform experiments with the audience on The Wave and jumping-based earthquakes. Particularly when Adam declares Jamie to be "like Chuck Norris."
- The Stephen Colbert puppet and John Oliver dressed like Peter Pan.
- "The puppet should melt too!"
- Stephen panics about "corbamite" in his drinking water.
Stephen: Quick! Is there an antidote?! Jon: Yes. It's the knowledge that... that there is no such thing as corbamite. I made it up. Well, actually, I stole it from an old episode of Star Trek. [ cue mutual Trekkie geek-out]
- In the Christmas Episode, Elvis Costello watching the gruesome deaths of the Jonas Brothers. Also Elvis Costello's Take That aimed at David Bowie near the end of the special.
- Colbert believing that Seal Team Six (The team responsible for killing Osama Bin Laden) consists of Rambo, John McClane, Batman, Master Chief, Lara Croft, Vin Diesel, and Po.
- And Colbert and Stewart's coverage of the news.
Stephen: And I hope I am never again this happy over someone's death. And I'm sure - I know that if I saw myself in the mirror, I would be appalled by the look on my face... (pulls out a hand mirror) Nope, I like this! Jon: I suppose I should be expressing some ambivalence about the targeted killing of another human being, and yet... uh, no. Jon (after showing clips of people warning of possible reprisals): Yes, we shouldn't have killed him. 'Cause now the terrorists are going to want to attack us. But you know what? Even when they do, you know who won't see it? Bin Laden, 'cuz we shot out his eyes, and now he lives in a pineapple under the sea.
- Jon and Stephen's Ham-to-Ham Combat wherein Stephen transfers power of Colbert SuperPAC over to Jon.
- How about the followup when Stephen got his SuperPAC back?
- Speaking of, some of the attack ads where also damn good.
- Both of their reactions to the recent evidence that Jesus was married:
Stewart: That is some pure, uncut sitcom bait. (announcer voice) He can raise the dead, but Heaven help him when he forgets to put down the toilet seat. Yes, Kevin James is Jesus in The King of Kings.
Colbert:You know things are gonna change, when I go to confess my sins, you know he's gonna tell her, you can't have secrets in a marriage. She's gonna offer her two cents. "You're really gonna forgive him for that? Normal people don't do that with Glade plug-ins." Oh, and listen up, he can forget that beard and the robe. From now on it is clean shaven and a polo shirt. And when he comes again in glory it's gonna be in a minivan.
Jon Stewart or The Daily Show
- In the early, early days, while The Daily Show was still finding its feet, Jon conducted a (staged) interview with ex-candidate John McCain, only to be undermined by his and the Senator's internal monologues. McCain's face was a portrait.
Inner Jon: Awright. Home stretch. Sitting Senator, fabulous interview. Now knock this last one outta the park, Stewart.
Outer Jon: Poo-py. (Cackles)
- March 2001: Colbert and Carell conduct a serious investigation of responsible drinking or, to use the alternate synopsis, Steve Carell gets hammered. In the interview later that same episode, Richard Lewis made Stephen Colbert laugh till he cried.
- At the end of this 2003 report on the mysterious explosions underneath Cheney's house, U.S. Navy Rear-Admiral Pietropaoli carries Stephen Colbert through his offices in his arms, with Stephen wearing the Admiral's hat.
- In the live show Re-Decision 2003, the California Recall, the 135 candidates are all covered by The Daily Show. The list of correspondents includes Elliot the Intern and a bag of plums and keeps getting sillier from there.
- The sendoff to Glenn Beck. Must be seen to be believed...
- The Prince Charles gay scandal segment that left both Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert completely unable to keep a straight face... no pun intended.
- Indecision 2004: the Bush re-election campaign summons forth storm clouds, thunder and blood-red skies. Colbert doesn't just bring the ham, he drags in the whole pig.
The treasures will be emptied, the ads unleashed, and the blue states will run red with a hundred million dollars of hellfire and retribution!
- John Oliver has his impassioned defense of moats.
- Jon Stewart is attacked on Morning Joe for attacking Morning Joe in an earlier episode. He is called an incredibly angry man with a Napoleonic complex. How does he respond? Running out of the studio sobbing (with running mascara), donning a Napoleonic outfit, riding his horse, and meeting John Oliver as the Duke of Wellington. Completed with a French accent.
- Jon Stewart and Wyatt Cenac bond over beer in a bar. Fight dance fight dance fight dance GROPE.
- The recent "11/3 Project" skit where Jon Stewart mocked Glenn Beck's method of punditry is possibly the Crowning Moment of Funny for the series thus far... and would have been even funnier if it weren't an uncomfortably accurate impersonation.
- Stewart's reactions to Barack Obama's acceptance speech for the Nobel Peace Prize — everything from noting Will Smith being in attendance to "research the role [of Obama for a movie]" to assuming (wrongly) that he'd scrape and plead with Europe for forgiveness to saying that while King and Gandhi had great examples, as a head of state he can't use them alone:
Jon Stewart: (rubbing temples) Obama... forcing us to live in an area between absolutes... BRAIN HURT!!!
- Jon Stewart's response to Keith Olbermann's tearing into Sen. Kennedy's Republican replacement (air date January 21, 2010) ended, like his "11/3 project" skit, with a parody/pastiche that was hilariously on the mark (granted, while being a lot more sympathetic, likely because he has a lot more respect for Olbermann). It ends with him pontificating in true Olbermann-esque over the top style, about how Olbermann's lately slipped from respectable news coverage into basically silly, immature name-calling:
"...and that's my thing!"
- "Jon Stewart's Story Hole", a poorly constructed puppet show featuring Jon's character "Dr. Bagelman"... which is all set in a bathroom with a hole cut in the stall's wall. And Stewart's reactions were priceless:
- Dr. Bagelman's earlier appearance in response to the Palestinan Mickey Mouse rip-off should not go amiss either, especially when they bring in the new character and the show devolves into Jews Love to Argue.
- The Daily Show's 2005 piece on White House press reporter Jeff Gannon being exposed by bloggers. After previously being dubbed "Chip Rightwingenstein" for his notably non-neutral style of questioning, Jon remarks that Jeff is "holding the President's feet to the fire so he could more easily give him a reach-around", with (in)appropriate hand gestures. Jon repeats the hand gesture when it's revealed that Jeff Gannon is actually James Guckert, a gay prostitute.
- In the next segment Stephen Colbert confesses that his own real name is, in fact, Ted Hitler. He spends the rest of the skit trying (succesfully) to make Jon corpse.
- This montage of the White House Press Secretary's superb acrobatics on being grilled by the press. Secretary-fu!
- Samantha Bee reenacts the CIA leak scandal (in which an agent's identity was leaked to the press by goverment officials in retribution for her husband's article on WMDs) in the form of a sorority house.
- Jon Stewart's magnificent parody of Glenn Beck. Fifteen minutes of industrial-grade skewering culminating in a demonstration of how Bert, Adolf Hitler, and Glenn Beck are part of an evil Libertarian Communist plot.
- While interviewing Samantha Bee (starts at 5:15) about the women winning in the 2010 Primaries - in the tone of a mother being exasperated by her husband or kids - we get this exchange at the end.
Jason: (pantsless) Sam, I can't find my pants! Samantha: They're in your hands, actually. Jason: No, they're not. I've looked there! Samantha: Your other hand. Jason: Oh * bleep* . I love you!
- He then got his hand caught in an empty pickle-jar and needed his wife's help getting it out again.
- The Jon vs. Bernie Goldberg / Fox News feud, capped off by Jon and a gospel choir inviting Fox News to "Go Fuck Yourselves". In song.
- The offensive epithet ticker - apparently kike is up three-and-a-quarter - and also used around The Daily Show's office because they mistakenly thought it was a ''nicer'' way to say Jew.
- But Jon; he's gay.
- Jon Stewart never met a mispronunciation of Rod Blagojevich's name he didn't like. Every time it sounds like an old Jewish man moaning/groaning/wailing.
- Jon connects Fox News to terrorism, using the logic utilized by Fox News.
- The Global Warming denier parody Here
- 9/29/10: "And we're all like, oh no, your slurpy's on top of the car!"
- Team Mohammed vs. Team Jesus.
- On a similar theme, after Fox News urged Tiger Woods to convert to Christianity, more redemptive than Buddhism, Jon put together the Best F%&king Theological Team Ever to advise Woods on the best faith for forgiveness.
- Jon's reaction to a straight faced ad-lib by Wyatt Cenac (about 7:00 in)
Jon: ...that's not the reference we rehearsed, but okay.
- Comparing John McCain to the Black Knight due to his opposition to a recent survey on the repeal of "don't ask, don't tell"
- John Stewart concluding by Insane Troll Logic that makes a scary amount of almost-sense that Sarah Palin is actually Natasha from Rocky and Bullwinkle. Linksky.
Squirrel! Ruun!
- February 1, 2011: Michael Steele, meet Michael Steele.
- In the February 3, 2011 episode, Jon switches bodies with Justin Bieber.
- John Oliver interrupts Stewart talking about the Chris Lee sex scandal to give us... this.
- Aasif Mandvi's report regarding Batman's new Muslim sidekick:
Bosch Fawstin: "Batman is not immune from what's going on in the real world. Batman has never faced down Jihad."
- Jon Stewarts discussion with the newest Republican presidential candidate, the Reagan OS 911 computer.
- Some especially funny bits from that:
Jon: So what do you think about Sarah Pal—
- Later, talking about the Obama birth certificate controversy (the computer believes Obama is not American, and the computer is also pro-life), Jon confronts the computer with this dilemma: Obama was certainly conceived in America, and the computer believes life begins at conception. Then that means that Obama is a US citizen. But Obama was not born in the US. So either Obama was not born in the US and foetuses are not human beings, or Obama was conceived and is therefore a US citizen and the rightful President. But — that — what — ERROR ERROR DOES NOT COMPUTE 10101100100111
- The story Jon broke on an Iranian facility where they could eventually be making nuclear weapons. However, it was a little hard to take seriously when the town it's located in is called Qum. "The neighboring town will be showered with loads and bits of hot Qum!"
- John Oliver discusses America's "freedom packages", basically a parody of time-share salesmen.
- John Oliver as "The Polisher", offering this spin on recent protests over Koran burning:
John: Yes, a Koran was burned. Yes, people are being senselessly murdered because of it. But perhaps this is the final period of fundamentalist fervor that precedes a religion's embrace of modernity, much in the same way that the 16th century excesses of the Catholic church preceded the Reformation.
- Stewart's reaction is even better:
Jon: ...That's a little too intellectual...
- During the BP oil spill, it is revealed that one of the oil companies' emergency contacts is a marine biologist by the name of Dr. Peter Lutz.
Jon: Okay, makes sense. Oil rig, disaster, spill... Doctor could be a crucial contact, especially a marine biologist like Dr. Lutz. I see no problem here.
Clip: The problem is, that Dr. Lutz has been dead for five years.
Jon: He added:
Sound bite: DUN DUN DUUUNN!
- Everything about the Tone Def Poetry Jam segment.
- Jon Stewart's reaction to Donald Trump demonstrating what is the antithesis of true New York pizza, such as stacking the slices and (what really slams on Stewart's Berserk Button), eating them with a knife and fork.
- Including possibly my favorite pun headline in show history (about Trump taking Sarah Palin out for pizza): "Me Lover's Pizza with Crazy Broad."
Jon: Let's just go to the content of your meeting; and then we'll just—(Clip of Palin and Trump eating pizza focuses on Trump with his pizza slices one on top of another)—SON OF A BITCH! Motherf—and you stack your slices, Donald?! (trying to contain his anger) With all due respect, you stack slices of pizza, the steam from the bottom of the slice is gonna make the top crust so—you piece of shit! Maybe all those years, all those years of making your hair do whatever it is that it does, you think you can go around layering any fucking thing you wanna layer, and no one's gonna say anything about it?!
- And it gets far, far worse...
Jon: ARE YOU EATING IT WITH A FORK?! A FUCKING FORK?! AW, MARONE! La forcella è satanico! Uno strumento del diavolo! Donald Trump, why don't you take that fork and stick it right in New York's eye?! Donald Trump, we work hard. And you do this? You disrespect us in our own house? Scadagouch—you can put your name on anything you wanna build, your fucking glass and gold-plated buildings to the sky, blocking out the Central Park sun, it's fine. It's fine! But you invite an important visitor to our house, to our town, and you eat your pizza with a fucking fork right in front of us?! Who the fuck do you think you're—you know what, hey, why don't you take a shit in Fiorello LaGuardia's hat and feed it to Joe DiMaggio's crying ghost on Liberty Island, you son of a bitch? You son of a bitch!
- Jon shows a clip of Obama talking about how he was "amused" by his announcement of the "Rally for Americans in Favour of a Return to Sanity or Something Like That." Jon then launches into an imitation of Joe Pesci in Goodfellas. When he gets to "What, funny like a clown?" he puts his feet on the desk to reveal two big clown shoes.
- Will Ferrel, Jon Stewart, and a baseba- "Comedy helmet". They never even make it to the movie they're supposed to discuss.
- All the puns in the coverage of Anthony Weiner's photo scandal, especially the part where Stewart can't decide if he will be a journalist and cover other news stories or be a comedian and laugh at a guy named Weiner's weiner.
John Oliver: Don't be so Jewish about it, you're fine!
Jon Stewart: Incoherent laughter at the ad-lib
- The entire interview with Louis C.K. in which Louie hilariously deconstructs Toilet Humor. Poor Jon can't even get two word in cause he's laughing so hard!
- The part where Jon (and the audience) completely loses it is when Louie starts describing in inspiredly lurid detail how gross and obese he plans to be when he no longer has people in his life. Jon looks like he's going to die halfway through.
- When Fox News came down on Stewart for the satirical voice he used when imitating a (black) Presidential candidate, he was accused of, among other things, not being fair and balanced and an extreme left viewpoint. He then counters with a video package containing virtually every time in the show's history when he used a satirical voice to imitate somebody.
Stewart: If my ridicule of silly things with bizarre caricature voices has given FOX what appears to be several days of very strong programming...your cup's about to runneth over, motherfuckers! Grab a knife and fork, FOX! Because I have turned my crack research team on myself! In a brand new segment called— (Graphic appears at the bottom of the screen: Jon Stewart F#*ks Himself with His Own Mouth. Studio Audience erupts into raucous laughter as Stewart sits there dumbfounded.) Stewart: I thought we weren't gonna... I though you were gonna run these by me before...
- At the end, after a bit of Michael Bloomberg going "Tonight, we celebrate!" and him Steward answering with, "Wednesday, we go SHOPPING~!" he makes a I-did-that-last-impression-a-little-too-well face.
- On July 13, Jon has to try and resist the urge to call Michele Bachmann's husband gay for the way he dances and resist tearing into him for referring to homosexuals as "barbarians who need to be educated." So what he does is call in his comedy therapist... Jerry Seinfeld, who told Jon that being funny is a choice and that he wasn't born that way among other things. He then leaves with "I gotta go. Don Rickles is about to get Chinese food from a guy that's half-Puerto Rican and half-Jewish."Linkski
- On the May 9, 2011 show, Jon talked about some of the lesser-known GOP candidates, remarking that while people may have to google some of them, "Rick Santorum would probably prefer that you didn't." Later in the show, his guest Keira Knightley came out and dropped this gem:
- Jon questions Obama's abillity to rain death from the skies. Obama's response:
- On the October 19, 2011 episode, when talking to Senior Black Correspondent Larry Willmore Jon brings up the disproportionately long prison sentencing of crack cocaine users as opposed to powder cocaine users as an example of racism*
Crack cocaine users tend to be black and powder cocaine users tend to be white . He says:
Larry: That's your proof of racism? That people smoking crack are sitting in prison longer than people smoking coke?[...]I don't recall Dr. King dreaming of the day crackheads and coke heads would be singing "Free at last, free at last".
- In 2005 calling Bill O'Reily on presenting year old footage of a joke as a recent attack on Christmas.
- Jon becoming president of Egypt by solving an ancient "riddle".
- The Daily Show projects the winner of the 2012 Republican primary about three or four months before everyone else the night after the November 9 debate, which featured a huge gaffe by Rick Perry.
Jon: Now, before we get into Rick Perry's now-infamous 'ABC Wide World of Sports Agony of Defeat'-worthy brain turd - and believe me, we WILL get there - I would just like to start with a brief annoucement: I'm calling the fight! Throw in the towel; it's over, it's done. Republicans, you had your chance. You didn't want Romney? Too bad! You are now stuck with Mitt Mothafuckin' Romney. Done. He is the winner. Romney wins; we're calling it tonight. It's over. " In Decision 2012: Mercy Rule Edition", because in presidential primaries, as in Little League, if one team is up 10-0 in the 3rd, you call it a day and you head over to Friendly's for some Fribble's...and some food poisoning.
- Jon's coverage involving the Pokemon Movie, including the Shellder Of Knowledge and "Thank you, magical Japanese cat-monster."
- Specifically, Jon is discussing Herman Cain's quotation of lyrics from the end credits of Pokemon 2000. He then turns it around by finding an even more philosophical quote from the first movie, even identifying Mewtwo as a genetically-engineered psychic Pokemon, then says that, for Cain, a more appropriate line would be Slowking's "I could use pants" and correctly identifies its crown as a Shellder. He does though incorrectly refer to it being specifically the "Shellder of Knowledge", a phrase that has never been used in any Pokemon medium to refer to Slowking's crown, but Pokemon fans were laughing too much to get bothered by the details.
- This also means that either Jon and his crew were Pokemon fans to begin with, or that they went through at least two of the movies looking for quotes specifically to use in that segment. Crazy Awesome indeed.
- Or it could simply be the fact that staff members do have children around the right age to be Pokemon fans, and they absorbed it through having to sit through the fifth viewing in a week.
- After Herman Cain withdrew, Newt Gingrich was very confident that he would be the nominee (another hilarious story for another time). This is why:
Gingrich: [The other candidates] were the new kid on the block and "isn't this wonderful" and "boy, it'd be great if it worked out", and we don't know anything about them. I'm the guy who's been around forever.
Jon: That's Newt Gingrich's pitch! "I'm the thing that has been in your pantry forev—you can try your newfangled Popped Tarts and your Eggoed Waffles, but if you look way back in there, there's a can of La Choy Baby Corn, a product that may or may not still be offered by the La Choy company; you don't remember buying it, yet you don't remember ever being without it. And now, you have no choice but to elect it president. "I'm Newt Gingrich and I approve this message."
- Jan 19: John Oliver explains why the Chinese cannot win negotiations with Newt Gingrich. "Their culture is based on shame Jon, and Newt has none."
- Any time Jon does his impression of the Queen of England.
- Jon Stewart goes progressively crazier and crazier over the Accidental Innuendo-laden rhetoric of Rick Santorum, especially as they're ass-puns, and he has a strong aversion to homosexual sex.
- The interview with Masha Gessen gets a note if only because Masha Gessen is a completely perfect example of The Comically Serious, and takes seriously Jon's jokes.
- Be amazed as Jon Stewart and Ricky Gervais quickly find themselves discussing the sexual life of pandas and get nuttier from there.
- The "real" Leeroy invades CNN's 2012 virtual Super Tuesday coverage.
- Will Ferrell comes in wearing a baseball helmet, riffing on Jon's earlier comment that "comedians don't wear helmets." The helmet completely derails the plug for Will's new movie; seriously, it's all they can talk about.
- March 29, 2012. Taiwanese. Animation. Of note is Jon's flustered reaction to "Chief Justice of Our Hearts" Cee 'Lo Green, the ice cream cone bribe, the statue of lady justice decapitating two senators, and shirtless Joe Biden punching a man in the face while laughing.
- April, 2012. In the midst of the outrage at a $823000 government conference, a surprising moment of funny shared between Stewart and Bill O'Reilly (yes, you read that right).Can you make Bill O'Reilly pay $4.00 for a shrimp?
- In this episode Jon can't keep a straight face when Wyatt Cenac declares his martini to be "drier than Harriet Tubman's vagina."
- The brief segment in Part Two of John Oliver's coverage of the 2010 RNC, in which a shirtless surfer strides easily across the rocks and a skinny, suit-clad Englishman stumbles awkwardly behind him, gesturing with his microphone.
- Herman Cain apologizes for killing Nicholas Cage in the most hilarious way possible!
- Back in the epic thrashing of CNBC in 2009, after illustrating the network's less than stellar(read completely false) financial advice that they give to their viewers, Jon said this about the financial market:
Jon: See? It's not rocket science, people! ( Beat) It's apparently alchemy.
- There are SEVERAL Dick Cheney segments that qualify, but I think special mention must be made of The Humanization of Dick Cheney, for its stellar use of Obi-Wan Kenobi's "He's more machine now than man."
Jon: Thank you, ghost of Sir Alec Guiness. The thing that's sapping my ability to make fun of Dick Cheney is that Darth Vader jokes are now more true than funny!
- September 6th, 2012: Larry David narrates an Obama video on the stance that "it could have been worse". Pointing out there was no asteroid hitting the earth or zombie apocalypse.
- September 26th, 2012: Patrick Stewart reveals that the Daily Show News team, emboldened by the NFL labor dispute, has gone on strike, and are being replaced by himself, Al Pacino, Glenn Close, and "the incomprable" Mandy Patinkin.
- October 8th, 2012: In response to Mitt Romney's plan to cut funding to PBS, and the Conservative Right's attack on Sesame Street, the Daily Show only has one response. Eight words- Wyatt Cenac, John Oliver, Jon Stewart... as Muppets!
- A segment that aired during the week Hurricane Sandy struck New York was about the flooding of Ohio's television commercial breaks with political attack ads. The segment merged Hurricane Sandy and the storm of election attack ads into a single hybrid story.
- From the 2012 election coverage we get Hologram George Washington!
- From the 2012 post-election episode, John mentions that Maine and Maryland had legalized gay marriage to no noise, but when he mentions that Colorado and Washington State legalized marijuana, the crowd goes wild. He looks at them with a "What the Hell?" look, then jots a note on his papers.
"Gay marriage: nothing. Marijuana: batshit crazy."
- Jon brings up the affair former CIA director David Patraeus had with his biographer. He goes back to an actual interview with said biographer on the show (about the biography itself, no less), and notes that a lot of innocuous things the said in the interview (and the title itself) have suddenly become Hilarious in Hindsight... while ragging on himself for missing it back then.
- Jon and the Daily Show's entire "It's a Wonderful Life" spoof where he is shown "what the would be like if all holidays were treated equally": Jon would have had more friends, and been both the president and a quarterback!
- Then Jon goes ballistic when Jessica Williams tells him that he's 5'6" in this timeline. Instead of 5'7".
- What really makes the bit is how everyone else keeps trying to stick with the It's a Wonderful Plot, while Jon points out that it doesn't work when things are better.
- During the week of Jan. 21, 2013, Jon makes a running gag about Ronaiah Tuiasosopo, having thunder go off when his name is brought up, pretending that he's behind various schemes like impersonating Beyoncé and controlling the weather, and making numerous puns based on his name.
- Tuiasasopo has become famous by impersonating a friend of a celebrity, whom said celebrity never had any direct contact with and alledgedly came back from the dead. No wonder that the Pope abdicated.
- On January 21, 2013, Larry Wilmore mocks those who co-opt Dr. Martin Luther King Jr., from pro-gun lobbyists to corporate commercials, and also criticizing Occupy Wall Street for shunning US representative John Lewis, a man who actually worked with Dr. King himself.
- On Feb. 13, 2013, Jon mocks Marco Rubio's odd behavior during his state of the union rebuttal, going for water, extracting juice from fruit, eating crackers, taking a bite out of a submarine sandwich, and applying an absurd amount of lip balm.
- "What?! You've never seen a show hosted by an aging French whore? Prudes! Pussies! Don't judge me! I judge you!"
- Feb. 14, 2013's Moment of Zen- the Daily Show does its version of the Harlem Shake... sort of. Jon attempts to get the ball rolling, but after the cut, everyone disappears except for him. He looks around wondering where everyone went, and continues dancing anyway.
- On Feb. 19, 2013, Jon makes mention of the recent Russian meteor incident. At one point, he was expecting a driver to just cuss out in Russian, only for him to not even be phased. He comes to the conclusion that, in a place where women can rip off car bumpers with ease, helicopters, jets and tanks appear out of nowhere and cows can recover from a mass cow-tipping with just a "meh"...
Jon: America may be fucked, but not as bad as these guys...
- On March 6, 2013, in anticipation of Neil deGrasse Tyson's return (who pointed out on his last visit that the globe on the opening graphic was spinning the wrong way), they use a different, low-tech intro, involving a globe stand spun by hand (in the correct direction, even), a shot of the street outside, and a mug in place of the logo.
- Then, when Neil comes in, he points out that the globe is spinning too fast, and they could have just run the graphic backwards.
- 4/11/13: Aasif Mandvi talking about the NCAA: "College athletes: They're princes of their schools and enjoy everything from the love of enthusiastic coaches to all the attention they get when they twist their poor little ankle...out of their skin." Referring, of course, to Mike Rice and Kevin Ware. Another highlight of that segment is the end, when Aasif's intern Eric concludes that the NCAA are "kinda douchebags."
- Pointing out that while "racist Islamophobes" and asbestos manufacturers have willingly submitted to interviews with him, the NCAA won't do anything more than issue a statement, which he gets Eric the intern to read over the phone.
- April 22, 2013: While showing CNN's coverage of the manhunt for the Boston Marathon bombers, they show a clip of a CNN correspondent describing how eerie it is that the streets of Boston are empty during lockdown, saying "it's as though a bomb had dropped". Cue epic Face Palm by Jon.
Jon: That's not so much a metaphor as what actually happened.
- April 24, 2013: As a Fox News anchor starts worrying that because the Boston Marathon bombing suspect has been read his Miranda rights, it apparently means there's no way to stop any more attacks he may have planned.
Jon: Okay, first of all, not reading someone their Miranda rights doesn't mean they don't have their Miranda rights. You have Miranda rights under the Constitution, you don't have to say them out loud for them to become "real". You're thinking of Beetlejuice.
- May 9, 2013: "Stay Out of School": At about 2:55, Aasif Mandvi asks a career advisor to "jazz up a little bit" his advice to teenagers... and he does.
Marty Nemko: They end up doing jobs they could have done straight out of high school, like selling extended warranties. Or they are bartenders.
Aasif Mandvi: Wow, I always assumed they had a bartending major.
Stephen Colbert or The Colbert Report
- Stephen Colbert may have failed to rename Node 3 after himself, but he got a pretty sweet consolation prize. Ladies and gentlemen, NASA proudly presents the Combined Operational Load Bearing External Resistance Treadmill. Crowning Moment Of Fun with Acronyms. At this point, the patch◊ is just gravy. This also counts as a CMOA.
- Even better during the show itself where Colbert showed a clip of a CNN anchor breaking off the news asking if this was serious.
- From Operation Iraqi Stephen:
General Ray Odierno: Yes, Mr. President!
- Don't forget Obama getting off a few jokes of his own:
President Barack Obama: First, I want to send my greeting to the men and women of our armed forces in Iraq. And I and all Americans thank you for your service.
Stephen Colbert: Wait a second, you overheard? Are your spy satellites really that good?
- The segment where Colbert and Hollywood nice guy Tom Hanks prepare a care package for the troops is pure gold. Let's just say, Hilarity Ensues. It's all topped off with Tom Hanks sucker punching Colbert into a crate and sending him to Iraq.
- Al Gore on Worthy Opponent, especially making Colbert go through on a really stupid claim by dunking his head.
- Colbert's segment on the wikiscanner, when he revealed that a person from the New York Times wrote on the George W. Bush page of Wikipedia the phrase "jerk jerk jerk jerk jerk jerk jerk jerk jerk."
- The entire review Colbert had with Cookie Monster. Half because the jokes were very funny, and half because it showed Cookie Monster acting like an adult without derailing him as so many parodies of kid's shows do.
Cookie Monster: Me had crazy times in the 70s and 80s, okay? Me like the Robert Downey Jr. of cookies!!
- This "Sport Report", about ten seconds into the report itself:
- Pretty much the beginning of any Sport Report segment, where Colbert plays air guitar (complete with vocal sound effects) for at least ten seconds after the intro sequence, getting increasingly ridiculous every time. Best
, and most recent, example is this.
- This scene:
Stephen: "If a diamond is a girl's best friend, then coal is its hotter, younger sister. In the early days of coal mining, it was dirty, dangerous work as seen in this sad footage."
Stephen: "We lost a lot of good men to inflatable dragons. Thankfully, modern science has found a much safer way to get our coal: BLOWING THE TOPS OFF MOUNTAINS! AWESOME! OH DADDY!"
- The entire episode of The Colbert Report with Rush thanks to Jimmy's constant meddling causing the Colbert Anthem to be replaced by "Limelight" and Stephen's teleprompter to be rewritten to the lyrics of "By-Tor and the Snow Dog."
- Colbert returning to the Even Steven segment with Steve Carell.
Steve Carell: What's the matter, Jon Stewart's teat doesn't come with an extension cord?
Colbert: Wow, eight chairs? You can seat all the people who saw Dan in Real Life!
- July 27, 2010: Stephen Colbert... vs. Kevin freaking Kline on who can out-pronunciate each other. Followed by who can act out famous Shakespeare characters the best using only facial expressions and grunts.
- In that same episode, Colbert finds out that plants can apparently think and remember. He proceeds to yell at his plant Phil and shove it in the garbage, screaming: "Oh yeah! Try to make chlorophyll in there, motherfucker!"
- When talking about how a magazine cover digitally removed a woman standing next to President Obama for the photograph, Stephen Colbert says, "Everyone, I am a big fan of Photoshop. And so is my friend Abe Lincoln." A picture then appears of him with his arm around a portrait of Abe. The joke continues on as he removes the oil slick from the Gulf, replaces that with clean tropical water, puts the picture into the size requirements for a magazine cover, and then puts on text: "Stephen Colbert solves oil disaster!" Once he was done, he looked at the camera and said, "Nobel Prize, please! Wait..." After a few clicks on the computer, a picture of him holding the Nobel Prize appears in the top left corner. The huge smile on his face as he points to the picture just makes it better.
- Stephen Colbert was unimpressed with how Barack Obama announced the soldiers were coming back to America. His version of how it should have been done is the most Crazy Awesome thing he could have ever described.
- Everything Stephen did in relation to the 2010 Olympics, including:
- Helping the US speed skating team raise money after their main source of income went bust and "racing" against Shani Davis to show there was no hard feelings after Shani apparently took Canada's side in the "Icehole" insult battle.
- Trying out for the US bobsled team with Team 1 (AKA "The Night Train"; he blacked out and had a 2001 Acid Sequence) and the curling team.
- Technically, since it was for NBC not the Report, but Colbert's appearance during the Vancouver Olympics (which includes riding a stuffed moose and climbing into the studio's fake fireplace while exclaiming how awesome NBC is for its "realism") had the host and the film crew dying of laughter.
- And of course Colbert's Vancouver Olympics shows, where he used a blue screen "window" to relocate the studio from a mountain top to a blimp to NBC studios, and used his own fake fireplace to do satellite interviews.
- Also this sign: Marry Me Stephen, It's Legal Here!
- Mysteries of the Ancient Unknown...KING TUT'S PENIS!*]]
- Let's get right to the news everybody's talking about - MONKEYS!
- The Colbert Report's segment for their Emmy nomination for writing:
- Stephen Colbert gets married to his hand.
- And that's why Isa Blyth gets a wag of my finger... for being a century long tease.
- Stephen tells us how to ruin gay marriage. Apparently, it involves getting into a long-term relationship with a gay Jewish man named Jonathan, getting engaged to him and then jilting him at the altar. He breaks down in tears partway through telling the story.
- A Jewish man named Jonathan, hmm? Wonder who that could be...
- While it seems to fit - especially given that it's a Jewish ceremony - Stephen mentions that "Jonathan's" mother is named Janet. Jon Stewart's mother's name, according to That Other Wiki, is Marian. Of course, Stephen has also said on the show that his wife is named Lorraine- when in fact it's Evelyn. Maybe he's following the old RPF rule of not involving the families of celebrities that aren't celebrities themselves?
- 9/29/10: Koalas are being infected with chlamydia at a rapid rate. Threat #2 on the ThreatDown: Whoever's F@%$&*% Our Koalas! (2:00) (Colbert starts laughing so hard he breaks character.)
Colbert: Nation, I love the Guinness Book of World Records. It is by far the best alcohol-sponsored reference book. Sorry, Captain Morgan's Rhyming Dictionary. It's a thousand pages of words that rhyme with "arr", like carr, and starr, and Tennessee Senatarr Lamarr Alexandarr.
- Stephen Colbert finds out that semen was used by Mi:6 as an experimental invisible ink during World War I. He takes this concept and runs with it.
- The Stephen Colbert/Steve Carrell verbal smackdown in a July 2010 episode.
- Colbert buys his audience tickets for a Chinatown bus:
Colbert: I will pay for everyone here tonight to travel to Washington, D.C. on a bus from Chinatown. That's right, the Shin Wu Bus Line - departing somewhere in the bowels of Chinatown and dropping you off at an undetermined location in the D.C. metro area. [shows map of Washington D.C. with a question mark over it] On Shin Wu, you'll learn the latest Mandarin curse words from your driver. And Shin Wu boasts the latest in comfort technology, like seats. And often has windows. Remember, on Shin Wu, your chicken rides for free. A quick disclaimer: Shin Wu takes no responsibility for engine failure, lack of toilet, or chicken bites. And just to be clear, I am not putting you up in a hotel, paying for your meals, or bringing you back to New York.
- Also doubling as a CMOA, his entire Curb-Stomp Battle against a British Petroleum exec who gets run over repeatedly by a sea turtle in a hybrid while the bing.com logo flashes and Stephen sets some seagulls on him.
- This installment of the long running series "Stephen Colbert's 2010 Midterm Republican Gubernatorial Primary Battle Watch '010", featuring the first appearance of Basil Marceaux.com. The whole thing is utterly insane, and ends with Colbert breaking down when he discusses Basil Marceaux.com's role as an agent of the Freedman's Bureau. Also, this part:
Stephen: I believe Islam is the one great and true cult, praise be to Allah and the Nike's he wears, all glory and honour to the comet that hides his spaceship!
- The Delawert Report.
- The October 6, 2010 segment on the Rawesome Foods raids in June 2010:
Stephen: Rawesome member James Stewart explains the complex etymology of the co-op's name.
James Stewart: The word "awesome" with an "R" in front of it.
Stephen: [voice-over] But everything isn't so rawesome: on the morning of June 30, armed government agents swarmed into this private business, and carried out a blitzkrieg raid. [Images of Rawesome employees are shown] These terrified Rawesome members will never forget where they were when the s**t went down.
Arnel Kalindes: I was, uh, in Minnesota.
Stephen: OK that doesn't help. Anybody else wanna tell us what happened?
- Later, one employee mentions the types of raw milk offered, including camel milk.
- CHEERIOS! CHEERIOS, NO! WHY DID YOU TAKE THAT BULLET FOR ME?! CHEERIOS, NOOOOO! You can't die, Cheerios! I'm carrying your baby!
- Stephen figuring out that there are more germs on the average keyboard than the average toilet seat.
Colbert: I've only got 1 question... who's rubbing their asses on our keyboards? They can at least leave a nice little note saying "I rubbed my ass here".
- Even Stephen was a beautiful segment but this exchange is one of the best (regarding Bill Clinton):
Carell: Two words Stephen: Dow ten-thousand.
Colbert: White-water.
Carell: Welfare reform.
Colbert: Monica-gate.
Carell: Eight years of peace.
Colbert: Shut the fuck up! Shut up! Shut up! SHUT UP! God your voice is like a jackal picking at my brain. I hate you! I hate who you are and what you do and how you sound and what you say! You're like a cancer on my life! God!
[Beat]
Carell: Well that was ugly and humiliating. You feel any better now?
- Stephen trying his best to get a cat named Christiane Aman-purr to psychicly predict the outcome of the crisis in Egypt, by having it choose between two different food bowls marked "Democratic Uprising" and "Islamic Power Grab".
- On the subject of Jimmy Fallon's new B&J ice cream.
- Stephen Colbert's Twitter campaign on Jon Kyl using the hashtag: #NotIntendedToBeAFactualStatement. Some examples:
Once a year, Jon Kyl retreats to the Arizona Desert and deposits 2 million egg sacs under the sand. #NotIntendedToBeAFactualStatement. On weekends, Jon Kyl shoots manatees with paintball guns. #NotIntendedToBeAFactualStatement. Citing religious reasons, Jon Kyl refuses to utter the number 8. #NotIntendedToBeAFactualStatement.
- Colbert mentions going on a religion bender (i.e. Catholicism) while trying to give up religion on Lent. He almost makes it, but in the closing days he going and getting drunk on religion the way people go out and get shitfaced. He even remembers saying a "Hail Mary" and an "Our Father" at the same time—"that's right, the Catholic speedball."
- Vacsa-not-masturbating. "It is a set of realistic prosthetic arms, that make it look like you're just going about your business, so that no one will know that you're going about your business." Cue Colbert hiding his mouth behind the suit's jacket to conceal just how hard he's laughing. Furthermore, showing that Vacsa-Not Masturbating can be used to free you up to handle the issue of restless leg syndrome at a romantic dinner, driving to work, even during a high profile TV interview.
- This Current Events article. You know it's gonna be a long segment when the tazer used to help in the introduction decides to phone it in...
Colbert: Folks, there is electricity in the air, (reaches under his desk) and if you resist arrest, in your central nervous system! (brandishes tazer, to no avail) It's fucking broken...
- Colbert making a Really Dead Montage of the entirety of civilization due to the belief that the world was going to end on May 21st.
Colbert: Goodbye! I'll see you in hell!
- Most if not all of The Colbert Report on Bin Laden. Highlights include:
- The aforementioned celebration.
- Because Barack Obama did kill Bin Laden he was going to lay off the insults and sets an egg timer for how long he'll lay off the insults. Then parodies Obama walking out to give the announcement claiming it to be self indulgent.
- "Folks, I can not put this any plainer that golly gee willikers, by which I mean suck my giant American balls Al Qaeda."
- His inability to get over Bin Laden being shot in the eye.
"I am as giddee as a schoolgirl who just shot Bin Laden in the eye. In the eye! Hey, Osama, No 3D movies for you in hell."
- And as he jogs over to speak to one of his guests he turns to the camera, goes "whooo!" and makes a finger gun motion by his eye.
"And I hope I am never again this happy over someone's death. And I'm sure, I know if I saw myself in the mirror I would be appalled by the look on my face." (holds up mirror) "Nope I like this. That's a good look. I want to stay like this forever."
- After a report on college kids celebrating Stephan Colbert brings up how young they would have been when 9/11 happened, so he brings up a montage on the spate of shark attacks that was the big news before the terrorist attack.
"See? Just sharks. So with Bin Laden gone we have nothing to worry about so long as no one chums the ocean." (cue report on Bin Laden's burial at sea) " Noooooo!!! You fools!!! Don't you realize the Fukishima plant is leaking massive amounts of radiation into the sea, and if a mutant shark combines with Bin Laden's DNA we could be facing the summer of Fin Laden!!!"
- Bin Laden's death raises a lot of questions. For ecample, whether Muammar Gaddafi owns a bullet proof pair of Ray Bans.
- And at the end of the show Stephan Colbert's face lights up when the egg timer rings, meaning he can make fun of Barack Obama again.
- Colbert reports on Italian officials seizing a shipment of tap shoes headed for North Korea, which has a ban from the UN on "luxury goods" being shipped to Kim Jong Il's government. Colbert runs with the absurdity of the implications, and then brings out a tap dancing troupe composed of six dancers cosplaying as Dear Leader.
- Stephen's entire several-part segment with Jack White. The entire time, Jack seemed to be wondering just how the hell he got himself into this.
Stephen: Think The Black Belles are ready for the Colbert Bump? Jack: What's a Colbert Bump? Stephen: You, motherfucker are about to find out!
- Making fun of the controversial commercials for Summer's Eve feminine wash (which use hands-as-puppets as "stand-ins"). The version target at black women is described as "having an urban feel to it", and Steve finally loses it at the Latina stand-in, which asks to "get rid of that leopard print thong; <that is the tackiest thing I have ever seen in my life—and you know I've seen it!>"
Colbert: This is America; our vaginas speak English! (loses it)
- Then there's Stephen's response in the form of a dick creme...
- Summer's Eve was parodied again with a fake commercial by Jeff Bridges.
- The June 6, 2011 segment on Sarah Palin's History-mobile tour:
Colbert: Folks, and the entire tour is to raise awareness about America's great history. So far she's lived up to her promise by visiting Gettysburg, the Liberty Bell, and the Alexander Hamilton Service Area at Exit 15E of the New Jersey Turnpike. It's where Hamilton famously swore he'd never eat at Roy Rogers again.
- Threat #3 on the ThreatDown: Fake States, after the revelation that North Dakota did not swear an oath of allegiance to the U.S. Constitution in its state constitution. After announcing this item:
Colbert: Nation (and I'm not talking to you, North Dakota), there are now over 670,000 foreigners massed on our northern South Dakota border, just waiting to stream into Real America and take the jobs we don't want to do, like living in North Dakota. We should have seen this danger coming, folks - we should have seen it coming after that terrifying documentary. (cue Fargo movie poster) They've got strange native garb, they refuse to speak English...
(cue clips of characters in Fargo saying "Yah")
Colbert: Yah. And they make a very disturbing sausage.
(cue scene of Gaear Grimsrud shoving Carl Showalter's remains into the woodchipper)
Colbert: I warned you. Now until North Dakota fixes their constitution, they are not a state, so it is time to update the flag.
- He then pulls out his "flag updater" from a box, and denotes North Dakota's status by putting an asterisk next to one star.
- Colbert's entire expose on Patrick Rogers.
- "I also see that I'm reaching the Muslim vote when I received a donation from somebody named "Suq Madiq." I trust this is a real person, and assume that his parents are very proud of him... his father, Liqa Madiq, and his mother, who still goes by her maiden name, [name "Munchma Quchi" comes up, prompting Stephen to corpse harder than ever, before he can read it]."
- "Munchma Quchi" has now become a Running Gag on the show.
- The Sept. 6, 2011 Cheating Death segment introduces Vaxamalgam, the one-pod-of-pills-fused-together-fits-all cure to insomnia, drowsiness, angina, eczema, dry mouth, damp mouth, constipation, diarrhea, night terrors, day terrors, brunch terrors, sore throat, Deep Throat, lockjaw, slackjaw, Jabber Jaw, nausea, rashes, heart arrhythmia, erectile dysfunction, blood in urine, urine in blood, shingles, cedar shake, aluminum siding, or whatever that yellow one does. Depending on what condition you have, Vaxamalgam will cure it... or cause it. Side effects include asperger helper, Jimmy-crack-corneas, and explosive diorama.
- You also should not take it with milk...but that shouldn't be a problem as it's a suppository. (Mind you, it's about the length and width of a tv remote, sooo...)
- September 12, 2011: Colbert reports on a seemingly irrelevant story at length before revealing that the New York Times had completely plagiarized it and outright fabricated a new story.
- September 13, 2011: Stephen's guest, Al Gore accidentally breaks the fourth wall and mentions Stephen's "character." Stephen's reaction is priceless.
- After Stephen ended his 6-month long best friendship with Jimmy Fallon, Anderson Cooper offers his friendship to Stephen, along with a plug for his daytime show, but is rejected with a Too Soon. The exact same thing happens with Jimmy Fallon on Late Night the next night.
- In this clip from the June 24th, 1999 shot on The Daily Show about the end of the show "Another World": Stephen's real name isn't actually Colbert, and he's Jon's bastard elevator baby.
- What happens to girls on Ibuprofen? At about 4:50, you can find out too!.
- Stephen Colbert relentlessly mocks the "vodka tamponing", especially when he learns that girls aren't the only ones doing it. Even worse, Stephen has to stop himself from Corpsing right in the middle of his delivery.
Stephen: (closing out the segment) And if you salt the tampons in tequila, don't salt the rim! We'll be right back! (turns away from the camera to laugh his ass off)
- Worse still, it's not just girls doing it. I'll let your mind run with that.
- Horrifying news! Norway has run out of butter! And they will soon be overrun by the butter cartels. When that happens, we will see such things as desperate butter mules swallowing condoms filled with sticks of Land 'O Lakes, then push them on the streets of Oslo to spreadheads tweaking on shortbread. Butter kingpins will be meeting by the docks to move bales of fresh-churned Golden Cow, then test its purity by backing apple turnovers in the back of a truck. In short: things will get ugly and delicious.
- The January 11, 2012 episode, where Mitt Romney's winning the New Hampshire primary and Stephen's coming to the realization that he might just have to settle for him is treated like the climax of a Romantic Comedy, complete with a gay best friend who gives advice.
- The February 23, 2012 segment with the Wheat Thins sponsortunity. It all was funny:
"A couple of times a year, the network sometimes asks me to do an integrated sponsorship, which I love - the money's green and I'm in. These sponsortunities have led to some of our most memorable segments, from the Hail to the Cheese Stephen Colbert's Nacho Cheese Doritos 2008 Presidential Campaign coverage, to last week's Syrian Atrocity Update, Brought to You by Fruit Roll-Ups. Fruit Roll-Ups: overthrow your tastebuds."
- Then there's the hilariously specific memo that states that Stephen cannot be shown eating more than 16 Wheat-Thins promoting the product on the show. He jams all 16 into his mouth:
Stephen Colbert: [with his mouth full] This feels right. But I still want more. [to the audience] Whaddaya say? Shoud I go for seventeen?
[Audience shouts "YEAH!" Colbert reaches below his desk and pulls out a seventeenth Wheat Thin. As he is about to put it in his mouth, the show promptly cuts to a "Technical Difficulties" image for about four seconds. When it cuts back, Colbert's mouth is empty, a lawyer is standing behind him, and Colbert is reading another sheet of paper]
Stephen Colbert: I would like to apologize to Wheat Thins, and the entire Nabisco family of snackable products. I thought that I was building a purposeful experience relevent to the brand but I see now that I was being a crusader and/or a rebel.
- Most of the People Who Are Destroying America - Teachers segment. FRAUD!
- Stephen's nihilistic monologue after Stuart Varney tells us that things are getting worse because they're getting better.
- April 30's interview, 2012, turned Colbert and Diane Keaton into giggling ten-year-olds who are also drunk. It's truly charming. (Some people speculate that Keaton actually was drunk, which makes it no less funny.)
- Mitt Romney's camp produces an app that comes with the typo, "For a Better Amercia," the best campaign app since Angry Pauls. Colbert runs with it as a new nation, and Hilarity Ensues as he recites Amercia's national anthem: a version of "America the Beautiful" with nearly every single word misspelled and mispronounced. Then, at the end, a banner drops down saying "Ronmey 2102", and Colbert chants, "S! U! A! S! U! A!"
- Stephen's April 9, 2012 segment about the Easter Bilby in Australia, where he mentions this:
"I have always felt a special kinship with the land down under. After all, if my Irish great-great grandfather Seamus Connolly hadn't jumped off that Sydney-bound convict ship, right now, I'd be doing segments like Tip of the Bush Hat / Wag of the Didgeridoo, and Alpha Dingo of the Week. So I assume that Australians celebrate Easter just like us, except of course below the equator, where Jesus comes out of the tomb counter-clockwise."
- Colbert in shock over the Supreme Court's decision to uphold Obamacare.
- Colbert's segment on a Starbucks opening at a funeral home:
Colbert: Folks, when a loved one dies, so many questions come to mind: "Why did this happen?", "Did I tell them I loved them enough?", and " Where can I get a low-foam skinny mocha latte?" Fortunately, a funeral home in South Carolina has the answer.
[Clip about how said funeral home is adding a Starbucks to their facilities]
Colbert: Yes, Robinson Funeral Home is serving Starbucks next to their chapel and crematory. So just be sure that's cinnamon you're sprinkling on your latte, and not Sid Bitterman (cue graphic of urn that says "Sid Bitterman"). Folks, this is a great way to ease the grieving process, because nothing soothes the pain of losing a loved one like your eulogy being drowned out by...
[mimics the sound of a frappucino maker for several seconds, then picks up a Starbucks coffee cup from under his desk and holds it in the air]
Colbert: [imitating a barista] "Jeff? Half caf no-foam for Jeff? Hey you, the guy crying behind the podium, are you Jeff?"
[puts the cup away]
Colbert: Plus, a Starbucks in a funeral home will encourage more people to come out to grieve for your loved one. You'll find yourself saying, "Wow! Who knew Uncle Ted was friends with so many aspiring screenwriters and homeless guys who need to armpit-wash in the sink?"
[Covers his mouth as he tries to stifle his laughter]
Colbert: Sad. Sad occasion. Now a Starbucks in a funeral home is great for mourners, but what about the deceased? Don't they also deserve coffee? [Once again he covers his mouth as he begins corpsing]
- Colbert's reaction to one British hotel's replacing their nightstand Bibles with copies of Fifty Shades Of Grey.
Colbert: They've replaced the book of Job with the book of rim-job.
(later)
Colbert: You don't need a Bible. You're all alone in a hotel room, you have a panic attack in the middle of the night, wondering what all of this means. What you need is a 500 page book about an inexperienced 22-year-old getting worked over good by a sociopathic businessman with a shvantz like a kielbasa. I mean, where else are you gonna find that kind of thing in a hotel room? (image of pay-per-view porn is shown)
- His Stephen Colbefrajilympic Expealacoverage on the opening ceremonies at the 2012 Summer Olympics. When he brings up the subject of how broadcasters have used prerecorded audio in canoeing, he plays with the idea and shows a few clips of the 2008 Summer Olympics with added in sound effects (including tennis matches with explosive hits, and fencing where clashing swords produce lightsaber sounds).
- In the August 1, 2012 episode, he re-enacts the winning gymnastics routine using a Barbie that is mounted on a drill and a Twinkie on 2 sticks.
- This Cheating Death segment about pills that have a tiny sensor that can send out reminders to other family members. The pill sends out a message once it is in Grandma's digestive tract (also the plot of the most disturbing Magic School Bus story ever).
- Colbert's remedy is Uni-Vacsa, a digital alert system made from cutting edge technology found in an abandoned RadioShack. His description is so funny he's trying not to corpse by the end:
Stephen: Now it couldn't be simpler: you just swallow the tablet (which is a Tablet), then activate Bluetooth to your desktop by performing a hard restart holding down your navel and your left nipple until you taste the red light. And it's all powered by eating a box of baking soda and chugging a bottle of vinegar. The resulting volcano sends a signal to an orbiting satellite, which relays your medical condition to everyone on the Dish Network.
- When Neil deGrasse Tyson explains the tides, Colbert first proclaims the moon to be god, claiming that Armstrong must be punish for stepping on it, but then claims that Neil himself is god, due to being an astrophysicist.
- Stephen Colbert talks to the audience about The Norquist, who is not of woman born.
- The Colbert Bump goes rogue and Stephen is forced to kill it. Neil deGrasse Tyson suffers a sudden decease in IQ as a result of the Bump's death.
- Colbert reports a story that a presidential candidate increases in popularity the more his Wikipedia page is edited. He first suggests the next president will be season six of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, then runs with the idea and edits the candidate he wants to win.
- Following Clint Eastwood's bizarre and memetic conversation with an empty chair representing President Obama, Colbert has the chair brought on the show to be interviewed. The chair begins to deliver an inspirational, and completely silent, speech that Colbert enthusiastically responds to. This is all accompanied by swelling, epic music, mist appearing from the background, and red, white and blue spot-lights shining down on it. It all culminates in Stephen cursing that they didn't nominate the chair to be the Republican presidential candidate instead of Romney.
- Stephens fear that Obama will restart the Ottoman Empire.
- October 25, 2012: Stephen Ghoulbert's Spooky-Time Halloween Fun Guide. Tom Hanks offers advice about how to have an inexpensive Halloween, with children dressed suspiciously like some of Hanks' previous film roles (complete with Signature Lines!), all while strangely avoiding talking about his new movie Cloud Atlas, culminating with a guest appearance by Matt Damon in full Private Ryan costume.
- How does Stephen open the post-election edition of The Report? Like this.
- In 2010, now-Senator-elect Elizabeth Warren came on the Report to explain why we need an agency to protect consumers. At the end of the segment:
Stephen: Why do we need to wear a belt with our suspenders? We already have one set of regulators.
- When Stephenn is told about the Higgs Boson:
Stephen: So, can I have my jetpack now?
Stephen: We've won science! Can we go back to religion now?
- Stephen suggests changing the name of Madame Tussauds to Mama Tussy's House of Man-Candles.
- As Stephen goes to interview Andy Serkis, Ian McKellan suddenly stands in his way and declares "YOU SHALL... pass."
- 12/13/12: Breaking Abbey aka the plot of Breaking Bad with the characters and setting of Downton Abbey. Bonus points for getting three of the Downton cast members to reprise their roles.
- 1/7/13: Colbert invoking the wrath of the "Technical Difficulties" screen + lawyer combo not once, not twice, but THREE times in a row.
- 1/31/13: Stephen takes part in an experiment meant to observe intelligence in crows and fails at it. He consoles himself by emptying a bag of M&Ms into his mouth, and his face, and the floor.
- On Feb. 6, 2013, Colbert demonstrates how he uses pennies to alleviate colds. He puts two pennies up his nose... and gets a gumball for his efforts.
- 2/13/13: Colbert mocking senator Marco Rubio's painfully awkward rebuttal to Obama's State of the Union address by recreating and playing up Rubio's odd tics and mannerisms. He tops it off by saying that professionals know that they should maintain eye contact to avoid awkwardness. He then proceeds to stare at the camera as he climbs over his desk, crawls over to the bookshelf for a bottle of water, and sneaks back to his desk.
- Colbert's method of bringing up the horse meat scandal in the UK, and summarizes the blame game with a horse-race style commentary.
- 3/7/13: Colbert, on the eve of a two-week break, is tired about talking about news, so he talks about The Bachelor instead. Near the end of the segment, he shows a clip of a man and two women staring at each other for a minute before the man decides who to give a rose to. He wonders how something like that could attract so many viewers... so he brings out two authors and proceeds to do the same thing to determine who the night's guest is.
- March 25, 2013: Colbert asks Junot Díaz whether Freedom University, a project which gives quality college education to people of every immigrant status, has its own sweatshirt yet. It doesn't, but Colbert had one ready: funny, awesome and heartwarming all in one neat cotton/polyester package.◊
- May 9, 2007: Jane Fonda comes on the show and messes with Colbert.
- April 2, 2013: Colbert dubs over a speech from Kim Jong-un, making it say that the reason Austin, Texas is on North Korea's list of U.S. cities to nuke is because the SXSW Festival has become too commercial.
Kim: I say let's turn Austin into a desolate wasteland, like Houston.
- April 3, 2013: Colbert pokes fun at Rep. Louie Gohmert's (R-TX) comparison of gun control to bestiality by "proving" his argument true.
Stephen: Now, everybody knows I'm a hunter, and if I don't have a thirty-round clip to shoot these animals, what will stop me from having sex with them?
- He then does the same with climate change and raising taxes on the rich.
- April 10, 2013: Regarding Anthony Weiner's attempt to return to politics, Colbert goes into a double entendre-filled storm, complete with a hand popping up from under the desk for him to high-five whenever he makes a zinger.
- April 17, 2013: Stephen and guest Alan Cumming skewer Brad Paisley and LL Cool J's country/rap duet "Accidental Racist" with their country/rap duet "Oopsie-Daisy Homophobe".
- May 8, 2013: Stephen's repeated use of helium to make his voice high and squeaky while calling out the GOP's efforts to spite Obama. The next segment is about parents not using diapers for their babies, and Stephen addresses the subject in Sarcasm Mode pretty much the whole time.
- May 9, 2013: Stephen and Carey Mulligan admit neither one has actually read The Great Gatsby, most puzzling for the latter since she's starring in the 2013 film adaptation. Fortunately, the Reading Rainbow theme starts playing, and the animated Reading Rainbow butterfly leads them to LeVar Burton, who tries to explain the basic ideas of the novel. LeVar even gives Carey his VISOR to help her understand.
- During the conversation, it's revealed that not only has Carey not read the book, she can't read at all.
Unsorted
- "...so you hate him because he's anti-semantic?"
- Not to mention: "Arr, I'm Cap n' Trade!"
- Pretty much any time things don't go as planned.
- The Tek Jansen theme song. Pretty much every line.
Tek Jansen, Alpha Squad Seven, facing the future of courage!
Killing the aliens! Loving the aliens!
Sometimes loving, then killing the aliens!
Tek Jansen, wearer of starsuits, surfing the comet of danger!
Foiling his enemy, Thurmond Chang
And those affiliated with the Thurmond Chang Gang!
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