Funny: The Daily Show And The Colbert Report
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Jon Stewart or The Daily Show
- January 11, 1999: From Jon's first ever show, his report on the news about the comic book The Wedding of Popeye and Olive.
"Move over, Charles and Di, there's gonna be a new "wedding of the century," as Popeye the Sailor Man is finally going to get "hitchked" to his baffling object of affection, Olive Oyl. To honor the blessed event, Popeye's best man, J. Wellington Wimpy, threw a raucous bachelor party, after which, he had to convince a bodyguard he'd gladly pay for the stripper on Tuesday. The couple is eager to consummate their long relationship, but considering the size of Popeye's forearms, Olive has only one rule for the wedding night: no fisting. Popeye was introduced to Olive Oyl by her older brother, Castor Oyl, although the two did not become close until the untimely death of her younger brother, Lorenzos Oyl."
- And at the end of the show, he asks if feminists will be pissed off at Olive Oyl when she becomes "Olive the Sailor Man."
- December 6, 1999: For Indecision 2000, Steve Carell, Mo Rocca and Vance DeGeneres troll the GOP presidential debate. And are also really excited about their Daily Show jackets.
- April 11, 2000: one early Even Stevphen segment (debating whether Elian Gonzalez should be allowed to stay in the US or go back to Cuba to be with his father) started with both Steve Carell and Stephen Colbert agreeing that Elian should stay in the US- which completely goes against the main dynamic of their debates. Stephen, of course, is against sending him to Cuba because it's a dirty Commie Land. It becomes clear, however, that Steve Carell is against it because he has unresolved Daddy Issues.
- August 2, 2000: In the early, early days, while The Daily Show was still finding its feet, Jon conducted a (staged) interview with ex-candidate John McCain, only to be undermined by his and the Senator's internal monologues. McCain's face was a portrait.
Inner Jon: Awright. Home stretch. Sitting Senator, fabulous interview. Now knock this last one outta the park, Stewart.
Outer Jon: Poo-py. (Cackles)
- March 27, 2001: Colbert and Carell conduct a serious investigation of responsible drinking or, to use the alternate synopsis, Steve Carell gets hammered. In the interview later that same episode, Richard Lewis made Stephen Colbert laugh till he cried.
- July 30, 2001: Colbert is sent to Harlem, 125th Street, to cover President Clinton; but he goes instead to 25th Street (100 blocks from Harlem), then Lincoln Square (60 blocks from Harlem), then to what is revealed as a green screen, before confessing his mysterious, inexcusable, unbigoted... fear of Presidents.
- December 12, 2001: Reverend Al Sharpton doesn't show up, so instead Jon interviews Al-Sharpton-as-played-by-Stephen-Colbert.
- January 20, 2003: At the end of this 2003 report on the mysterious explosions underneath Cheney's house, U.S. Navy Rear-Admiral Pietropaoli carries Stephen Colbert through his offices in his arms, with Stephen wearing the Admiral's hat.
- October 7, 2003: In the live show Re-Decision 2003, the California Recall, the 135 candidates are all covered by The Daily Show. The list of correspondents includes Elliot the Intern and a bag of plums and keeps getting sillier from there.
- November 10, 2003: The Prince Charles gay scandal segment that left both Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert completely unable to keep a straight face... no pun intended.
- March 3, 2004: Indecision 2004: the Bush re-election campaign summons forth storm clouds, thunder and blood-red skies. Colbert doesn't just bring the ham, he drags in the whole pig.
Stephen: The treasures will be emptied, the ads unleashed, and the blue states will run red with a hundred million dollars of hellfire and retribution!
- The "11/3 Project" skit where Jon Stewart mocked Glenn Beck's method of punditry is possibly the Crowning Moment of Funny for the series thus far... and would have been even funnier if it weren't an uncomfortably accurate impersonation.
- Stewart's reactions to Barack Obama's acceptance speech for the Nobel Peace Prize — everything from noting Will Smith being in attendance to "research the role [of Obama for a movie]" to assuming (wrongly) that he'd scrape and plead with Europe for forgiveness to saying that while King and Gandhi had great examples, as a head of state he can't use them alone:
Jon Stewart: (rubbing temples) Obama... forcing us to live in an area between absolutes... BRAIN HURT!!!
- "Jon Stewart's Story Hole", a poorly constructed puppet show featuring Jon's character "Dr. Bagelman"... which is all set in a bathroom with a hole cut in the stall's wall. And Stewart's reactions were priceless:
- Dr. Bagelman's earlier appearance in response to the Palestinan Mickey Mouse rip-off should not go amiss either, especially when they bring in the new character and the show devolves into Jews Love to Argue.
- February 16, 2005: The Daily Show's 2005 piece on White House press reporter Jeff Gannon being exposed by bloggers. After previously being dubbed "Chip Rightwingenstein" for his notably non-neutral style of questioning, Jon remarks that Jeff is "holding the President's feet to the fire so he could more easily give him a reach-around", with (in)appropriate hand gestures. Jon repeats the hand gesture when it's revealed that Jeff Gannon is actually James Guckert, a gay prostitute.
- In the next segment Stephen Colbert confesses that his own real name is, in fact, Ted Hitler. He spends the rest of the skit trying (succesfully) to make Jon corpse.
- June 16, 2005: Ed celebrates the lifting of the long standing speedo ban with style.
- June 23, 2005: Stephen laments the loss of the porn vote to the Republican party. And gets in on some of the action himself.
- July 12, 2005: This montage of the White House Press Secretary's superb acrobatics on being grilled by the press. Secretary-fu!
- July 18, 2005: Samantha Bee reenacts the CIA leak scandal (in which an agent's identity was leaked to the press by goverment officials in retribution for her husband's article on WMDs) in the form of a sorority house.
- December 7, 2005: Calling Bill O'Reily on presenting year old footage of a joke as a recent attack on Christmas.
- February 23, 2006: Jon tries to explain the plot of his movie "Doogal" to film critic Roger Ebert.
- September 19, 2006: Looking back, Even Stephen was a beautiful segment but this exchange is one of the best (regarding Bill Clinton):
Carell: Two words Stephen: Dow ten-thousand.
Carell: Welfare reform.
Carell: Eight years of peace.
Colbert: Shut the fuck up! Shut up! Shut up! SHUT UP! God your voice is like a jackal picking at my brain. I hate you! I hate who you are and what you do and how you sound and what you say! You're like a cancer on my life! God!
Carell: Well that was ugly and humiliating. You feel any better now?
- October 3, 2006: John Oliver's presentation of life before Habeas Corpus.
- October 5, 2006: One of the President's toughest jobs (said President Bush) is to connect Iraq and the War on Terror. Jon demonstrates why this is so difficult:
Jon: Let's pretend that this plug is Iraq, just a simple electric plug, and you're trying to connect it to the War on Terror... which is this avocado.
- February 28, 2008: John Oliver is bewildered at having used the words "Bush" and "good" in the same sentence regarding Bush's 2008 trip to Africa and the apparent lack of ulterior motive behind his aid efforts. When Stewart suggests that perhaps there is no ulterior motive, Oliver considers that an even worse possibility, adding:
John Oliver: Over the past seven excruciating years, I've come to terms with the President being incompetent. The fact that we now know he's been capable of doing good all along and has simply chosen not to - that really burns!
- April 3, 2008: John Oliver reading the names of Britain's Fallen Soldiers. Their names will be with us always.
John Oliver: The base level of respect will be enough.
- May 14, 2009: But Jon; he's gay.
- Jon Stewart never met a mispronunciation of Rod Blagojevich's name he didn't like. Every time it sounds like an old Jewish man moaning/groaning/wailing.
- May 20, 2009: John Oliver has his impassioned defense of moats.
- June 10, 2009: Jon Stewart is attacked on Morning Joe for attacking Morning Joe in an earlier episode. He is called an incredibly angry man with a Napoleonic complex. How does he respond? Running out of the studio sobbing (with running mascara), donning a Napoleonic outfit, riding his horse, and meeting John Oliver as the Duke of Wellington. Completed with a French accent.
- July 30, 2009: Jon Stewart and Wyatt Cenac bond over beer in a bar. Fight dance fight dance fight dance GROPE.
- October 6, 2009: Larry Wilmore tries to play the race card, an actual credit card, but discovers it's been maxed out.
Larry: (reading) "Void during a black presidency"? Fuck!
- Jon connects Fox News to terrorism, using the logic utilized by Fox News.
- January 21, 2010: Jon Stewart's response to Keith Olbermann's tearing into Sen. Kennedy's Republican replacement (air date January 21, 2010) ended, like his "11/3 project" skit, with a parody/pastiche that was hilariously on the mark (granted, while being a lot more sympathetic, likely because he has a lot more respect for Olbermann). It ends with him pontificating in true Olbermann-esque over the top style, about how Olbermann's lately slipped from respectable news coverage into basically silly, immature name-calling:
"...and that's my thing!"
- February 10, 2010: The Global Warming denier parody Here
- March 4, 2010: Jon surfs Chatroulette, finding mostly dongs, reporters, and Jason Jones masturbating.
- March 19, 2010: Jon Stewart's magnificent parody of Glenn Beck. Fifteen minutes of industrial-grade skewering culminating in a demonstration of how Bert, Adolf Hitler, and Glenn Beck are part of an evil Libertarian Communist plot.
- The whole episode from March 30, 2010:
- April 20, 2010: The Jon vs. Bernie Goldberg / Fox News feud, capped off by Jon and a gospel choir inviting Fox News to "Go Fuck Yourselves". In song.
- June 9, 2010: While interviewing Samantha Bee (starts at 5:15) about the women winning in the 2010 Primaries - in the tone of a mother being exasperated by her husband or kids - we get this exchange at the end.
(pantsless) Sam, I can't find my pants! Samantha:
They're in your hands, actually. Jason:
No, they're not. I've looked there! Samantha:
* . I love you!
- June 17, 2010: During the BP oil spill, it is revealed that one of the oil companies' emergency contacts is a marine biologist by the name of Dr. Peter Lutz.
Jon: Okay, makes sense. Oil rig, disaster, spill... Doctor could be a crucial contact, especially a marine biologist like Dr. Lutz. I see no problem here.
Clip: The problem is, that Dr. Lutz has been dead for five years.
Jon: He added:
Sound bite: DUN DUN DUUUNN!
- August 19, 2010: Team Mohammed vs. Team Jesus.
- On a similar theme, January 4, 2010: after Fox News urged Tiger Woods to convert to Christianity, more redemptive than Buddhism, Jon put together the Best F%&king Theological Team Ever to advise Woods on the best faith for forgiveness.
- August 24, 2010: The offensive epithet ticker - apparently kike is up three-and-a-quarter - and also used around The Daily Show's office because they mistakenly thought it was a ''nicer'' way to say Jew.
- September 29, 2010: "And we're all like, oh no, your slurpy's on top of the car!"
- October 26, 2010: this episode Jon can't keep a straight face when Wyatt Cenac declares his martini to be "drier than Harriet Tubman's vagina."
- December 2, 2010: Comparing John McCain to the Black Knight due to his opposition to a recent survey on the repeal of "don't ask, don't tell"
- January 31, 2011: Jon Stewart concluding by Insane Troll Logic that makes a scary amount of almost-sense that Sarah Palin is actually Natasha from Rocky and Bullwinkle. Linksky.
Jon: Squirrel! Ruun!
- February 1, 2011: Michael Steele, meet Michael Steele.
- February 3, 2011 episode: Jon switches bodies with Justin Bieber.
- February 15, 2011: John Oliver interrupts Stewart talking about the Chris Lee sex scandal to give us... this.
- March 1, 2011: Aasif Mandvi's report regarding Batman's new Muslim sidekick:
"Batman is not immune from what's going on in the real world. Batman has never faced down Jihad." Aasif (voiceover):
"No. Batman has only defeated the Joker, the Penguin, Mr. Freeze, and has a f**king tank that ejects a motherf**king motorcycle with guns
. I'm sure he can't handle one jihadist as fearsome as Nightrunner
- March 8, 2011: Jon Stewart's discussion with the newest Republican presidential candidate, the Reagan OS 911 computer.
- Some especially funny bits from that:
: So what do you think about Sarah Pal— Computer
- Later, talking about the Obama birth certificate controversy (the computer believes Obama is not American, and the computer is also pro-life), Jon confronts the computer with this dilemma: Obama was certainly conceived in America, and the computer believes life begins at conception. Then that means that Obama is a US citizen. But Obama was not born in the US. So either Obama was not born in the US and foetuses are not human beings, or Obama was conceived and is therefore a US citizen and the rightful President. But — that — what — ERROR ERROR DOES NOT COMPUTE 10101100100111
- The story Jon broke on an Iranian facility where they could eventually be making nuclear weapons. However, it was a little hard to take seriously when the town it's located in is called Qum. "The neighboring town will be showered with loads and bits of hot Qum!"
- March 21, 2011: John Oliver discusses America's "freedom packages", basically a parody of time-share salesmen.
- John Oliver as "The Polisher", offering this spin on recent protests over Koran burning:
John Oliver: Yes, a Koran was burned. Yes, people are being senselessly murdered because of it. But perhaps this is the final period of fundamentalist fervor that precedes a religion's embrace of modernity, much in the same way that the 16th century excesses of the Catholic church preceded the Reformation.
- April 7, 2011: The sendoff to Glenn Beck. Must be seen to be believed...
- May 9, 2011: Jon talked about some of the lesser-known GOP candidates, remarking that while people may have to google some of them, "Rick Santorum would probably prefer that you didn't." Later in the show, his guest Keira Knightley came out and dropped this gem:
- May 11, 2011: Everything about the Tone Def Poetry Jam segment.
- June 1, 2011: Jon Stewart's reaction to Donald Trump demonstrating what is the antithesis of true New York pizza, such as stacking the slices and (what really slams on Stewart's Berserk Button), eating them with a knife and fork.
- Including possibly the funniest pun headline in show history (about Trump taking Sarah Palin out for pizza): "Me Lover's Pizza with Crazy Broad."
: Let's just go to the content of your meeting; and then we'll just—(Clip of Palin and Trump eating pizza focuses on Trump with his pizza slices one on top of another)
—SON OF A BITCH! Motherf—and you stack your slices, Donald?! (trying to contain his anger)
With all due respect, you stack slices of pizza, the steam from the bottom of the slice is gonna make the top crust so—you piece of shit! Maybe all those years, all those years of making your hair do whatever it is that it does, you think you can go around layering any fucking thing you wanna layer, and no one's gonna say anything about it?!
- And it gets far, far worse...
: ARE YOU EATING IT WITH A FORK
?! A FUCKING FORK
?! AW, MARONE
! La forcella è satanico! Uno strumento del diavolo!note Donald Trump
, why don't you take that fork and stick it right in New York's eye?! Donald Trump, we work hard. And you do this? You disrespect us in our own house? Scadagouch
—you can put your name on anything you wanna build, your fucking glass and gold-plated buildings to the sky
, blocking out the Central Park sun, it's fine. It's fine! But you invite an important visitor to our house, to our town, and you eat your pizza with a fucking fork right in front of us?! Who the fuck do you think you're—you know what, hey, why don't you take a shit in Fiorello LaGuardia's hat and feed it to Joe DiMaggio's crying ghost on Liberty Island, you son of a bitch? You son of a bitch!
- Jon shows a clip of Obama talking about how he was "amused" by his announcement of the "Rally for Americans in Favour of a Return to Sanity or Something Like That." Jon then launches into an imitation of Joe Pesci in Goodfellas. When he gets to "What, funny like a clown?" he puts his feet on the desk to reveal two big clown shoes.
- Will Ferrell, Jon Stewart, and a baseba- "Comedy helmet". They never even make it to the movie they're supposed to discuss.
- All the puns in the coverage of Anthony Weiner's 2011 photo scandal, especially the part where Stewart can't decide if he will be a journalist and cover other news stories or be a comedian and laugh at a guy named Weiner's weiner.
John Oliver: Don't be so Jewish about it, you're fine!
Jon Stewart: Incoherent laughter at the ad-lib
I should be Catholic? I should turn it into a drink
- The R. Kelly impersonator's song.
- Further on Anthony Weiner, Jon's reaction to hearing that Weiner, in light of the scandal, apologized to Bill Clinton of all people.
Jon Stewart: WHAT!?
The congressman had a scandal and had to apologize, to Bill Clinton
? For what?!
Copyright infringement?! A patent violation?! Are you insane?! That is insane! I can hear the big dog taking a call! (Clinton voice)
"Anthony, I'm very disappointed! Now, this "Twitter" thing... can anyone sign up for it?"
- Then Jon gets curious if there are any other viewers that do the same thing...or all of them.
- And then the brick joke. . . Jon goes back to see what episode of the Daily Show was on the night that text was sent. . . the guest? Bill Clinton. Jon's look of dawning realization is nothing short of hilarious.
- June 28, 2011: The entire interview with Louis C.K. in which Louie hilariously deconstructs Toilet Humor. Poor Jon can't even get two word in cause he's laughing so hard!
- The part where Jon (and the audience) completely loses it is when Louie starts describing in inspiredly lurid detail how gross and obese he plans to be when he no longer has people in his life. Jon looks like he's going to die halfway through.
- When Fox News came down on Stewart for the satirical voice he used when imitating a (black) Presidential candidate, he was accused of, among other things, not being fair and balanced and an extreme left viewpoint. He then counters with a video package containing virtually every time in the show's history when he used a satirical voice to imitate somebody.
: If my ridicule of silly things with bizarre caricature voices has given FOX what appears to be several days of very strong programming...your cup's about to runneth over, motherfuckers! Grab a knife and fork, FOX! Because I have turned my crack research team on myself! In a brand new segment called— (Graphic appears at the bottom of the screen: Jon Stewart F#*ks Himself with His Own Mouth. Studio Audience erupts into raucous laughter as Stewart sits there dumbfounded.) Stewart
: I thought we weren't gonna...I though you were gonna run these by me before
- At the end, after a bit of Michael Bloomberg going "Tonight, we celebrate!" and him Steward answering with, "Wednesday, we go SHOPPING~!" he makes a I-did-that-last-impression-a-little-too-well face.
- July 13, 2011: Jon has to try and resist the urge to call Michele Bachmann's husband gay for the way he dances and resist tearing into him for referring to homosexuals as "barbarians who need to be educated." So what he does is call in his comedy therapist... Jerry Seinfeld, who told Jon that being funny is a choice and that he wasn't born that way among other things. He then leaves with "I gotta go. Don Rickles is about to get Chinese food from a guy that's half-Puerto Rican and half-Jewish."Linkski
- There are SEVERAL Dick Cheney segments that qualify, but special mention must be made of "The Humanization of Dick Cheney" on September 14, 2011, for its stellar use of Obi-Wan Kenobi's "He's more machine now than man."
Jon: Thank you, ghost of Sir Alec Guinness. The thing that's sapping my ability to make fun of Dick Cheney is that Darth Vader jokes are now more true than funny!
- October 3, 2011: Jon questions Obama's ability to rain death from the skies. Obama's response:
- October 19, 2011: when talking to Senior Black Correspondent Larry Wilmore, Jon brings up the disproportionately long prison sentencing of crack cocaine users as opposed to powder cocaine users as an example of racismnote . He says:
Larry: That's your proof of racism? That people smoking crack are sitting in prison longer than people smoking coke?[...]I don't recall Dr. King dreaming of the day crackheads and coke heads would be singing "Free at last, free at last".
- Jon becoming president of Egypt by solving an ancient "riddle".
- November 10, 2011: The Daily Show projects the winner of the 2012 Republican primary about three or four months before everyone else the night after the November 9 debate, which featured a huge gaffe by Rick Perry.
: Now, before we get into Rick Perry's now-infamous 'ABC Wide World of Sports Agony of Defeat'-worthy brain turd - and believe me, we WILL get there - I would just like to start with a brief annoucement: I'm calling the fight! Throw in the towel; it's over, it's done. Republicans, you had your chance. You didn't want Romney? Too bad! You are now stuck with Mitt Mothafuckin' Romney. Done. He is the winner. Romney wins; we're calling it tonight. It's over. "In Decision
2012: Mercy Rule Edition", because in presidential primaries, as in Little League, if one team is up 10-0 in the 3rd, you call it a day and you head over to Friendly's for some Fribble's...and some food poisoning.
- December 5, 2011: Jon's coverage involving the Pokemon Movie, including the Shellder Of Knowledge and "Thank you, magical Japanese cat-monster."
- Specifically, Jon is discussing Herman Cain's quotation of lyrics from the end credits of Pokemon 2000. He then turns it around by finding an even more philosophical quote from the first movie, even identifying Mewtwo as a genetically-engineered psychic Pokemon, then says that, for Cain, a more appropriate line would be Slowking's "I could use pants" and correctly identifies its crown as a Shellder. He does though incorrectly refer to it being specifically the "Shellder of Knowledge", a phrase that has never been used in any Pokemon medium to refer to Slowking's crown, but Pokemon fans were laughing too much to get bothered by the details.
- This also means that either Jon and his crew were Pokemon fans to begin with, or that they went through at least two of the movies looking for quotes specifically to use in that segment. Crazy Awesome indeed.
- Or it could simply be the fact that staff members do have children around the right age to be Pokémon fans, and they absorbed it through having to sit through the fifth viewing in a week.
- After Herman Cain withdrew, Newt Gingrich was very confident that he would be the nominee (another hilarious story for another time). This is why:
Gingrich: [The other candidates] were the new kid on the block and "isn't this wonderful" and "boy, it'd be great if it worked out", and we don't know anything about them. I'm the guy who's been around forever.
Jon: That's Newt Gingrich's pitch! "I'm the thing that has been in your pantry forev—you can try your newfangled Popped Tarts and your Eggoed Waffles, but if you look way back in there, there's a can of La Choy Baby Corn, a product that may or may not still be offered by the La Choy company; you don't remember buying it, yet you don't remember ever being without it. And now, you have no choice but to elect it president. "I'm Newt Gingrich and I approve this message."
- December 12, 2011: John Oliver suggests that Mitt Romney embrace his image.
- January 19, 2012: John Oliver explains why the Chinese cannot win negotiations with Newt Gingrich. "Their culture is based on shame Jon, and Newt has none."
- Any time Jon does his impression of the Queen of England.
- Jon Stewart goes progressively crazier and crazier over the Accidental Innuendo-laden rhetoric of Rick Santorum, especially as they're ass-puns, and he has a strong aversion to homosexual sex.
- February 14, 2012: Be amazed as Jon Stewart and Ricky Gervais quickly find themselves discussing the sexual life of pandas and get nuttier from there.
- February 16, 2012: Larry Wilmore theorizes that Jeremy Lin's success in basketball is revenge by the Asian community for Neil Degrasse Tyson's success in science.
- February 29, 2012: The interview with Masha Gessen gets a note if only because Masha Gessen is a completely perfect example of The Comically Serious, and takes seriously Jon's jokes.
- March 7, 2012: The "real" Leeroy invades CNN's 2012 virtual Super Tuesday coverage.
- Will Ferrell comes in wearing a baseball helmet, riffing on Jon's earlier comment that "comedians don't wear helmets." The helmet completely derails the plug for Will's new movie; seriously, it's all they can talk about.
- March 29, 2012: Taiwanese. Animation. Of note is Jon's flustered reaction to "Chief Justice of Our Hearts" Cee 'Lo Green, the ice cream cone bribe, the statue of lady justice decapitating two senators, and shirtless Joe Biden punching a man in the face while laughing.
- April 4, 2012: As the Trayvon Martin case is simmering, Larry Wilmore urges America to take a Racist Timeout. That is, taking 5 minutes to refrain from making accusations about racism throughout the case.
- April 5, 2012: In the midst of the outrage at a $823000 government conference, a surprising moment of funny shared between Stewart and Bill O'Reilly (yes, you read that right).Can you make Bill O'Reilly pay $4.00 for a shrimp?
- The brief segment in Part Two of John Oliver's coverage of the 2012 RNC, in which a shirtless surfer strides easily across the rocks and a skinny, suit-clad Englishman stumbles awkwardly behind him, gesturing with his microphone.
- June 28, 2012: Herman Cain apologizes for killing Nicholas Cage in the most hilarious way possible!
- Back in the epic thrashing of CNBC in 2009, after illustrating the network's less than stellar(read completely false) financial advice that they give to their viewers, Jon said this about the financial market:
: See? It's not rocket science, people! (Beat
) It's apparently alchemy.
- August 29, 2012: Jon notes that the Catch Phrase of the Republican National Convention, "We Built That!", sounds less like a Badass Boast and more like Charlie Sheen's odd catchphrase "Winning!".
- August 31, 2012: Jon discovers the Fridge Brilliance in Clint Eastwood's strange debate against an empty chair representing President Barack Obama: there is a President Obama which only Republicans can see.
- September 6, 2012: Larry David narrates an Obama video on the stance that "it could have been worse". Pointing out there was no asteroid hitting the earth or zombie apocalypse.
- Jon's frustration over the length of Bill Clinton's Democratic national convention speech, saying it had more fake endings than a James Brown concert.
- September 7, 2012: Jon's reaction to Jennifer Granholm's over-the-top speech.
Jon: (yelling and gesticulating): Holy shit! I can't believe it! In my estimation, that woman shouldn't be driving at all!
- September 19, 2012: The Moment of Zen is a clip from The Simpsons of Mr. Burns speaking to the Republican party, overdubbed with Mitt Romney's "47 percent" speech.
- September 26th, 2012: Patrick Stewart reveals that the Daily Show News team, emboldened by the NFL labor dispute, has gone on strike, and are being replaced by himself, Al Pacino, Glenn Close, and "the incomparable" Mandy Patinkin.
- October 8th, 2012: In response to Mitt Romney's plan to cut funding to PBS, and the Conservative Right's attack on Sesame Street, the Daily Show only has one response. Eight words- Wyatt Cenac, John Oliver, Jon Stewart... as Muppets!
- A segment that aired during the week Hurricane Sandy struck New York was about the flooding of Ohio's television commercial breaks with political attack ads. The segment merged Hurricane Sandy and the storm of election attack ads into a single hybrid story.
- October 31, 2012: In the aftermath of Hurricane Sandy, Jon gives a monologue with Samantha Bee standing behind him offering a parodic sign language translation, parodying the expressive sign language translator present at a press conference held by Michael Bloom.
- November 6, 2012: From the 2012 election coverage we get Hologram George Washington!
- November 7, 2012: From the 2012 post-election episode, John mentions that Maine and Maryland had legalized gay marriage to no noise, but when he mentions that Colorado and Washington State legalized marijuana, the crowd goes wild. He looks at them with a "What the Hell?" look, then jots a note on his papers.
Jon: Gay marriage: nothing. Marijuana: batshit crazy.
- November 12, 2012: Jon brings up the affair former CIA director David Petraeus had with his biographer. He goes back to the original January 25, 2012 interview with said biographer on the show (about the biography itself, no less), and notes that a lot of innocuous things the said in the interview (and the title itself) have suddenly become Hilarious in Hindsight... while ragging on himself for missing it back then.
- December 12, 2012: Jon and the Daily Show's entire "It's a Wonderful Life" spoof where he is shown "what the would be like if all holidays were treated equally": Jon would have had more friends, and been both the president and a quarterback!
- Then Jon goes ballistic when Jessica Williams tells him that he's 5'6" in this timeline. Instead of 5'7".
- What really makes the bit is how everyone else keeps trying to stick with the It's a Wonderful Plot, while Jon points out that it doesn't work when things are better.
- During the week of Jan. 21, 2013, Jon makes a running gag about Ronaiah Tuiasosopo, having thunder go off when his name is brought up, pretending that he's behind various schemes like impersonating Beyoncé and controlling the weather, and making numerous puns based on his name.
- Tuiasasopo has become famous by impersonating a friend of a celebrity, whom said celebrity never had any direct contact with and alledgedly came back from the dead. No wonder that the Pope abdicated.
- January 21, 2013: Larry Wilmore mocks those who co-opt Dr. Martin Luther King Jr., from pro-gun lobbyists to corporate commercials, and also criticizing Occupy Wall Street for shunning US representative John Lewis, a man who actually worked with Dr. King himself.
- Feb. 13, 2013: Jon mocks Marco Rubio's odd behavior during his state of the union rebuttal, going for water, extracting juice from fruit, eating crackers, taking a bite out of a submarine sandwich, and applying an absurd amount of lip balm.
Jon: "What?! You've never seen a show hosted by an aging French whore? Prudes! Pussies! Don't judge me! I judge you!"
- Feb. 14, 2013's Moment of Zen- the Daily Show does its version of the Harlem Shake... sort of. Jon attempts to get the ball rolling, but after the cut, everyone disappears except for him. He looks around wondering where everyone went, and continues dancing anyway.
- Feb. 19, 2013: Jon makes mention of the recent Russian meteor incident. At one point, he was expecting a driver to just cuss out in Russian, only for him to not even be phased. He comes to the conclusion that, in a place where women can rip off car bumpers with ease, helicopters, jets and tanks appear out of nowhere and cows can recover from a mass cow-tipping with just a "meh"...
Jon: America may be fucked, but not as bad as these guys... Cue Yakkity Sax montoge
- March 4, 2013: Jon notes how people are more upset with President Obama apparently mixing up Star Wars's "Jedi mind trick" and Star Trek's "Vulcan mind meld" by calling it a "Jedi mind meld" than the fact that John Boehner basically describing federal taxes as "stealing from the American people".
- Jon mocks Dennis Rodman for describing Kim Jong-Un as "humble", but realizes that after working with Donald Trump on The Apprentice, Kim Jong-Un actually does seem humble by comparison.
- March 6, 2013: In anticipation of Neil deGrasse Tyson's return (who pointed out on his last visit that the globe on the opening graphic was spinning the wrong way), they use a different, low-tech intro, involving a globe stand spun by hand (in the correct direction, even), a shot of the street outside, and a mug in place of the logo.
- Then, when Neil comes in, he points out that the globe is spinning too fast, and they could have just run the graphic backwards.
- April 2, 2013: When it's revealed that a photo of North Korea's naval forces was in fact photoshopped, Jon says "That doesn't like Photoshop, that looks like MS Paint. Windows 95 slam!", only to cause a Blue Screen of Death that goes away after Jon says that Windows 95 was groundbreaking, complete with Windows 95 login theme.
- April 3, 2013: In response to Texas Congressman Louie Gohmert's incomprehensible rambling argument comparing gun control with bestiality, Jon asks "WHAT IS IT WITH YOU PEOPLE AND THE ANIMAL FUCKING?!".
- April 9, 2013: Jessica Williams' coverage of the decline of pubic lice. Featuring cameos by John Waters and Amy Mann, a fake ad advocating for the protection of lice (a la Sarah McLachlan's ads for the SPCA, and the digs at Brooklyn and Baltimore.
- April 11, 2013: Aasif Mandvi talking about the NCAA: "College athletes: They're princes of their schools and enjoy everything from the love of enthusiastic coaches to all the attention they get when they twist their poor little ankle...out of their skin." Referring, of course, to Mike Rice and Kevin Ware. Another highlight of that segment is the end, when Aasif's intern Eric concludes that the NCAA are "kinda douchebags."
- Pointing out that while "racist Islamophobes" and asbestos manufacturers have willingly submitted to interviews with him, the NCAA won't do anything more than issue a statement, which he gets Eric the intern to read over the phone.
- During the same episode, Larry Wilmore tears apart Rand Paul's lecture at Howard University, in which he wondered how the GOP's been losing the African-American vote for the last 50 years, pointing out that they willfully alienated black voters by appealing to the "Dixiecrats". "You can't just walk out for 40 to 50 years, and then sashay back into Roscoe's Chicken and Waffles saying 'Hey, Party of Lincoln's back!'."
- April 22, 2013: While showing CNN's coverage of the manhunt for the Boston Marathon bombers, they show a clip of a CNN correspondent describing how eerie it is that the streets of Boston are empty during lockdown, saying "it's as though a bomb had dropped". Cue epic Face Palm by Jon.
Jon: That's not so much a metaphor as what actually happened.
- April 24, 2013: A Fox News anchor starts worrying that because the Boston Marathon bombing suspect has been read his Miranda rights, it apparently means there's no way to stop any more attacks he may have planned.
Okay, first of all, not reading someone their Miranda rights doesn't mean they don't have
their Miranda rights. You have Miranda rights under the Constitution, you don't have to say them out loud for them to become "real". You're thinking of Beetlejuice
- May 9, 2013: "Stay Out of School": At about 2:55, Aasif Mandvi asks a career advisor to "jazz up a little bit" his advice to teenagers... and he does.
- May 20, 2013: The entire segment about how smoking crack is Canada's national pastime.
- And then they get to the blowjobs.
- June 6, 2013: Jon throws to the Moment of Zen one last time before his hiatus... except John Oliver hijacked it to shove a bunch of Jon's pens down his pants. It then cuts back to Jon, who had been chewing on one of them.
- June 10, 2013: Covering the NSA scandal, John Oliver goes to the news team for some site coverage... but the news team is miffed that John was picked to be the guest host over them, and they spend their time taking shots at him instead. Jason sounds like he's covering the scandal at first, but his true intention is revealed later on, Samantha complains about a foreigner being chosen over her (conveniently forgetting that she's Canadian), Jessica remarks about the glass ceiling, Al flees to Hong Kong to safely tell John to fuck himself, and Aasif mentions that Buzzfeed quickly put up a "27 Worst Moments of John Oliver's first Six Minutes" article, and gets the hashtag #johnoliverblewagreatdane trending.
- June 12, 2013: On Lewis Black's segment, John Oliver mentions that Lewis had a good point partway through Lewis' speech. Lewis looks over at John, stares for a bit, and asks, "Who the fuck are you?".
- June 17, 2013: John Oliver reaches an epiphany about dealing with Sarah Palin: "Wait a second, we can just ignore her!"
- June 18, 2013: When a Professional Wrestling debate on immigration attacks John Oliver, John takes it personal, rips off his sleeves and challenges Zeb Colter to bring it - but he's not quite got the requisite muscle mass, so there's only one thing to do. Bring in Mick Foley.
You come here next week— Oliver:
Yeah. You come here next week. And we will take these chairs, these cold steel chairs—! Foley: And we will unfold them! Oliver:
We will unfold them, yes we will, and we will sit down. And we will discuss the complexities of immigration reform with you!
- June 25, 2013: George Zimmerman's lawyer opens with a joke, making sure to add a disclaimer prior to the joke that Zimmerman did not come up with said joke and that the attorney, and the attorney alone, should be considered responsible for it should the jury find it reprehensible. If that sentence alone sounded too legal for you, you may not love this knee-slapper by John Oliver:
The following joke (hereafter referred to as the "Joke") is provided solely to amuse and entertain the intended listener. The Joke-teller expressly denies any liability resulting from any offense, embarrassment, pain, and/or suffering raised by said Joke.
Paragraph II: The Joke
This Joke hereby provides notice to you that a rabbi and a priest, pursuant to an oral agreement, jointly purchase a car (hereafter referred to as the "Automobile"). After the said purchase, the rabbi witnesses the priest sprinkling water on the Automobile and asks, "What are you doing?" The priest allegedly responded that he was blessing the Automobile (although the description of this statement is not intended to prove the truth of the matter asserted nor to endorse the existence or effectiveness of a blessing). The rabbi replied, "OK, since we're doing that," and takes out a hacksaw and cuts two inches off the tailpipe.
The Joke-teller reserves full rights concerning the repetition, dissemination and modification of said Joke. *drops mike* I'm out of here.
- June 27, 2013: In response to Rep. Louie Gohmert's assertion that the repeal of DOMA goes against the laws of nature, John Oliver gives us this:
Really? If your brain - if your brain can't process God's creatures enjoying different kinds of sex, you don't want to bring nature into this, because nature is where dogs hump each other in the face (video of exactly this pops up
- July 17, 2013: Texas governor Rick Perry makes commercials urging businesses to move to Texas, but when he disparages New York City, Lewis Black makes his own rebuttal commercial. "Don't mess with Texas? No, don't fuck with New York!".
- July 23, 2013: Larry Wilmore explains how hard it is for black and white Americans to discuss race because both view race completely differently.
Larry Wilmore: John, we can't have a conversation when we're not even on the same page. Or even in the same book!
John Oliver: True. Or even in the same library, no?
Larry: You're not supposed to talk in the library, John. Or maybe that's how they do it in the white libraries.
- July 24, 2013: Anthony Weiner gets caught texting a picture of his penis again, this time, using the alias "Carlos Danger", leading John Oliver to say "Danger... is my user name.", also starting a Running Gag where John dances and plays the song "Danger (Been So Long)" by rapper Mystikal whenever "Carlos Danger" gets mentioned.
- July 31, 2013: John Oliver goes nuts when Anthony Weiner tries to compare his shaming to 9/11.
Oliver: You are NOT 9/11-ing your dick pix!?
- August 6, 2013: John Oliver realizes that with 42% of retiring US representatives and 50% of retiring US senators becoming lobbyists compared to 3% in 1973, Congress is much less morally upright now than during Watergate.
- August 8, 2013: The Big Bank Fury
- August 14, 2013: John Oliver's whole interview with Regis Philbin, discussing their childhood sports while Regis wonders what cricket is all about.
- Also, when asking Regis about the new Fox Sports 1 network, he asks if Fox will do to sports what they did to news.
Oliver: They're going to blame everything on the White House? The Eagles lost today because of Obamacare?
- Oliver also complaining about the lack of people currently buying newspapers and the rise of rich moguls buying and owning the newspaper companies.
Oliver: So basically, there are now more people buying newspapers than buying newspapers.
- The entire bit with "deranged millionaire" John Hodgman, with his idea of printing three editions of his newspeper catering to the three biggest Internet demographics: liberals, conservatives and viewers of cat videos.
Left-Wing Headline: Obama Empowers Proletariat with WIFI.
Right-Wing Headline: Black Hitler Wastes Taxpayer Money. Again.
Cat Headline: Meow-bama Can Haz Internetz?
- When Oliver tells Hodgman that the Spanish-American War came about because William Randolph Hearst wanted to sell papers, he asks him if he wants to go back to that era again. Hodgman gives him a Blunt "Yes" and shows him tomorrow's headline "War with Spain!", as well as the cat headline "Rememberz the Meow-ne!".
- August 15, 2013: In John Oliver's last show as guest host, all the correspondents, including former correspondents Rob Riggle and Wyatt Cenac, trash John's performance over the summer.
- September 4th, 2013 Jon Stewart gets to meet "Carlos Danger". Turns out that dancing to the song is an involuntary reflex.
- September 5th, 2013: Jon introduces everyone to Sir Archibald Mapsalot III, played by John Oliver, the Englishman who arbitrarily drew the lines on the Middle Eastern map without any thought about the people living there, satirizing the damaging long-term effects of the Sykes-Picot Agreement.
- September 11th, 2013: Jon Stewart speaks of winning NYC mayoral candidate Bill de Blasio and his biracial family, particularly his teenage son who has a huge afro, and out of nowhere sprouts a massive afro himself.
Jon: How did he do that? Just by watching him it just sprouted. It's...it's so beautiful.
- After Anthony Weiner's defeat, John Oliver refuses to do the "Carlos Danger" dance anymore, but when he relents, he does so at a super-slow speed.
- Samantha Bee and guests Bob Odenkirk and David Cross skewer Michele Bachmann, Louis Gohmert and Steve King's speech on Egyptian TV, apologizing for sending America's 3 stupidest people to Egypt.
- September 17, 2013: The entirety of Jon's interview with Jake Gyllenhaal.
- September 25, 2013: After Texas senator Ted Cruz likens Obamacare to Green Eggs and Ham, a story about a man who hates something before he even tries it (and when he finally tries it, he loves it), Jon reads the little-known Dr. Seuss story The Bore-ax.
- September 30, 2013: During the interview, Bill O'Reilly picks up the coffee mug like he's going to drink it, stops, checks inside the mug, and switches it with Jon's.
- Also from September 30th, on commenting that the Republicans are acting immature when they threaten to shut down the government if the President does not comply to their demands on a bill that was passed legally and fairly in accordance with the current system of law, he offers to put it to them another way. Cue the classic clip of Willy Wonka saying "You get nothing! You lose! Good day, sir!".
- He also compared the shutdown to the Giants responding to a 31 to 7 loss by demanding 25 more points or they'd shut down the league, before commenting that it would be great if the Republicans had the maturity and problem-solving ability of football players.
- Oh, one other tidbit from September 30 - Republicans love the U.S. Constitution SO MUCH that the majority of them carry a copy with them always. So imagine Republican Senator Phil Gingrey's embarrassment when he reaches into his breast pocket and can't find his. Whoops.
Jon: (looks diligently through his breast pocket) Hold on, hold on. I got-I got-wait, that's my weed, I got my weed...I got-I got a couple'a rubbers here, I go—*jerks hand out* AH!! Son-of-a-bitch, that's the monitor lizard I use in there to guard my copy of the Constitution! *reaches back in* I think I got some Band-Aids in there a—SON-OF-A-BITCH, he bit me again!
- October 3, 2013: Jon returns to Bullshit Mountain, comparing the Republican party to Navin Johnson from The Jerk in how they claim they don't need any federal government except for the few things they themselves want.
- October 8, 2013: Jason Jones tries to interview a GOP spokeswoman on why Obamacare is bad, but annoyed with her meaningless answers, he just walks out. But he meets with a hostage negotiator, who gives him some advice about how best to approach her, both in-person and over an earpiece. And when the spokeswoman gives the same empty rhetoric responses, even the negotiator gets annoyed with her.
Jason: Do you remember fucking slavery?!
- October 22, 2013: The Moment of Zen is a clip of a college-aged Karl Rove being interviewed about the importance of youth voter outreach.
- October 23, 2013: Aasif Mandvi interviews a GOP chairman from North Carolina who all but admits that the new state voting laws are designed to suppress Democratic and black voters. At one point, Aasif asks "You know we can hear you, right?". The next day, the chairman resigned from his position.
- October 25, 2013: Jon discusses how press secretary Jay Carney left out past tense when he said the NSA wasn't spying on the German chancellor.
Jon: By the way, that joke was brought to you by grammar. Grammar — Grammar, it's the rules what make your mouth feel dumb.
- In the same episode, Jon discusses a White House staffer who was caught after 2 years making inappropriate comments about the government on a secret Twitter account.
Jon: You can tap the German chancellor's phone, but Bitchy McSnarkington was 3 cubicles away and no one knew what was going on?
- During the same segment, Jon theorizes how German chancellor Angela Merkel got wiretapped in the first place: George W. Bush planted it on her during his infamous attempt at giving her a back massage in 2005.
- November 7, 2013: Most of Jon's interview with Patrick Stewart was on the picture Patrick posted on Twitter for Halloween.
- November 13, 2013: Jon's rant on Chicago-style or "deep dish" pizza.
- November 14, 2013: Everything having to do with the never-ending Humiliation Conga of Rob Ford, particularly his "enough to eat at home" comment.
- Neil Degrasse Tyson, Science Buzzkill.
- November 19, 2013: Jon's interview with Bill Cosby is packed with all kinds of hilarious stories by Bill.
- Jessica Williams gets Canadians to play a game of "Who Said It?" using quotes by Toronto mayor Rob Ford and Charlie Sheen. You'll be surprised with who said what.
- November 20, 2013: Because Jon's rant on Chicago-style/deep dish pizza angered Chicagoans, The Daily Show airs a segment titled "New York Pizza is Magic" featuring Matthew Broderick and Steve Buscemi, which explains why they love New York-style pizza, and Jon invites Chicago pizza maker Marc Malnati for a slice of deep dish pizza, negotiating a truce and bonding in their loathing of California-style pizza.
Oh, you don't believe in magic? Maybe that's not magic's problem. Maybe that's your fucking problem!
- December 4, 2013: Samantha Bee keeps getting turned down at various news sources when she tries to get information out about the Blackstone loans scandal. It goes from the New York Times to Buzzfeed to getting a weather anchor to deliver it in front of a green screened- thunderstorm. Finally, it all leads up to making a YouTube video with kittens. And when THAT doesn't work, she makes a parody of Wrecking Ball.
- December 10, 2013: When a news report appears saying that milk can cost $7 per gallon if congress doesn't pass a bill, Jon does a Spit Take with milk and proceeds to covet the milk in his suitcase, calling it "precious white gold".
- December 11, 2013: Jon's reaction to a female Republican referring to "compromise" as "the C-word", rather than another C-word.
- December 12, 2013: Jon calls Megyn Kelly's statement "Just because it makes you feel uncomfortable, doesn't mean it has to change." "the official slogan" of oppression... and Arby's.
- December 18th, 2013: The whole interview with Steve Carell, Will Ferrell, David Koechner and Paul Rudd.
- December 19th, 2013: In John Oliver's last show as a Daily Show correspondent, after showing a montage of some of John's funniest moments, Jon and John do the "Carlos Danger" dance.
- January 7th, 2014: The entire first segment on Colorado's legalization of pot.
- January 8th, 2014: After a scandal involving a bridge in New Jersey leaks, Jon turns to the New Jersey correspondent- himself! He then puts on an exaggerated Jersey accent and teaches them about how normal corruption is must worse than that.
- During the same episode, Aasif Mandvi pokes fun at the Misaimed Marketing by both Democrats for Obamacare and Republicans against it.
- January 13th, 2014: Jon's mad about pizza again, this time at NYC mayor-elect Bill DiBlasio, who ate his pizza with a fork and knife. At one point, Jon almost cracks up when he mistakenly says "You of all pizza!" instead of "You of all people!".
- January 14th, 2014: The incredibly bizarre one-woman-show with Samantha Bee and Fox News's panel show The Five, mostly because of the Large Ham skills that she possesses.
Samantha: Big fucking mistake, Bob. How 'bout I take your suspenders and hang you by your balls?
- January 22th, 2014: Larry Wilmore hosts the "Wilmore Awards", recognizing outstanding achievement in breaking down racial barriers nobody was asked to break.
- January 27th, 2014: When Fox News pundit Sean Hannity threatens to move out of New York, feeling like he doesn't belong anymore, various New Yorkers, including Nathan Lane, Tim Gunn, and the cast of Jersey Boys, implore for him to stay. In the end, Nathan Lane admits he personally doesn't care what Hannity does.
- January 29th, 2014: The entire rant about NY 1, especially if you live in New York, after NY Congressman Michael Grimm was caught on camera threatening a NY1 reporter.
- Not commented on the show, but still pretty funny, was the fact that the reporter in question actually turned out to be the nephew of a retired crime boss. Oops.
- February 3rd, 2014: After a lackluster handling of snow in January, NYC Mayor-elect Bill DiBlasio redeems himself by practically turning Downtown Manhattan and Brooklyn into tropical paradises, according to Samantha Bee and Jessica Williams, though Uptown Manhattan is still buried as Aasif Mandvi attests.
- Later, in the interview, he admits that he could have done a better job of carrying snow to the upper east side.
- Jon teachers Mayor DiBlasio how to eat pizza New York-style, after he got caught eating with a fork and knife (see January 13th). When he remembers that Michael Bloom is no longer mayor, Jon gets some Big Gulps for himself and Mayor DiBlasio.
- February 4th, 2014: Patrick Stewart plays China's "Jade Rabbit" moon rover, reciting its last words after it broke down on the Moon's surface.
- February 5th, 2014: During Jason Jones' segment on attack ads getting involved in small town elections, he more or less reenacts the song "Ya Got Trouble" from The Music Man in real life. It must be seen to be believed.
- February 10th, 2014: Jason Jones tours Russia, dismayed by the lack of animosity by Russians towards Americans, which culminates in a meeting with Mikhail Gorbachev himself, in which he asks if he'd be interested in rebuilding the Berlin Wall.
- February 12th, 2014: Jason Jones discusses Gay Rights with a Russian official and somehow ends up being told to have sex with a table by said official. Also an old Russian lady quotes Angel from Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
- February 18th, 2014: After the Michael Dunn verdict, Jessica Williams offers her opinion of Florida's Stand Your Ground law:
Stand Your Ground is like bleach: it works miracles for whites, but it will ruin your colors. (Mic Drop
- February 19th, 2014: Jason Jones continues his investigation of Russia, and finds it's everything American conservatives could want: anti-gay, anti-Muslim, anti-immigration, anti-abortion, pro-guns and pro-Christianity. He then caps off his segment with a clip from The Simpsons episode "Last Exit to Springfield" of Homer Simpson saying "If you don't like it, go to Russia!" after different clips of conservatives complaining about Obama.
- February 24th, 2014: Jason Jones wraps up his reports on Russia, describing it as a testing ground for Jackass. At one point, Jason is befuddled by a Russian woman who doesn't think of "roofing" (jumping from roof to roof) as being particularly dangerous.
- Larry Wilmore retorts Andrew Napolitano's assertion that if Abraham Lincoln left the South alone, slavery would have died a natural death, saying "The South was so committed to slavery Lincoln didn't die of natural causes!"
- February 25th, 2014: Jon pokes fun at Mexican drug baron El Chapo, whose alias translates to "Corn Porridge" from Spanish.
- March 6th, 2014: Six Words: Barack Obama:weak, mom-jean-wearing dictator king. Also, after a conservative says that Putin reminds him of his mother, Jon cross-dresses as Norma Bates.
- March 11th, 2014: The entire post-interview game show segment, The Weakest Lincoln, with judge Andrew Napolitano's answers to questions about Lincoln, the Civil War and slavery constantly being shot down by the judging panel of history professors.
- March 13th, 2014: Jon Stewart spawns a meme called "#McConnelling", which is overdubbing a Mitch McConnell campaign commercial with any song.
- March 25th, 2014: Jon has Jessica Williams pretend to be Putin so they can discuss why Putin should not take Crimea. Putin!Jessica declares it's too late, Crimea is hers, and then casually annexes Jon's desk.
Putin!Jessica: This is nice desk. Wow. Hey, Putin want desk. Putin want desk. 97% of people say take desk, so I take desk.
Jon: Oh, oh, um, okay.
Putin!Jessica: Thank you.
Jon: You can't do that, though.
Putin!Jessica: Yes I can, I'm Putin. Desk is Putin's desk now!
Putin!Jessica: I am large woman. Really, I am large woman.
Jon: That's somewhat upsetting, even more than the taking of my land. This is my land though, this is my desk.
Putin!Jessica: Well, historically is Putin's desk.
- March 26th, 2014: Samantha Bee brings back her off-the-wall one woman show to discuss Morning Joe.
- Jon's interview with Jude Law, discussing facial hair and London landmarks.
- April 10th, 2014: In response to advertisements showing Republican politicians shooting up charters they don't agree with, Jason Jones, as "Wilshire Jessup", does his own ad in which he tears an Obamacare charter, parodying the torture scene from Reservoir Dogs.
- April 30, 2014:
- Talking about employees at the IRS owing back taxes to the IRS, Jon proposes an IIRS to police the IRS, and an IIIRS to police the IIRS, and so on, until he goes deep and rambles on with a psychedelic background appearing.
- Michael Grimm, New York's Congressman who'd previously been caught threatening a reporter on camera back in January, gets arrested for numerous corruption charges, which include perjury, obstruction of justice, while managing a green food restaurant. Jon performs how he believes the corruption went down, Goodfellas style, even though they use the theme from The Godfather.
- May 5, 2014: Jordan Klepper meets the spokespersons for South Carolina senator Lindsay Graham and his GOP primary challengers, who all accuse each other of not being a "true" conservative.
- May 20, 2014: After it's believed that a Phillies player got sick from eating NYC-based Shake Shack burgers, Jon goes into a humorous tirade about Philly cheesesteaks.
- June 16, 2014: Jon summarizes John McCain's entire philosophy as "Be everywhere, forever."
- June 19, 2014: Talking about absurd legal matters, Jon goes to introduce the new segment, and is run through the usual Double Entendre titles... at least until the second-to-last one, which drops the indirectness entirely and is named "Jon Stewart Pulls Down Your Pants and Touches Your Penis".
- July 21, 2014: Jon satirizes the fiercely pro-Israel bias in mainstream media by starting to talk about Israel, only to be immediately shouted down by the correspondents, being called a "self-loathing Jew" at one point.
- July 23, 2014:  Jon Stewart plays a video while screaming and holding a severed head in response to the "chaos" over an Affordable Care Act ruling. Fun begins at 3:25.
- August 26, 2014: As Fox News pundits (nearly all of whom are white) complain about how race is being discussed during the Ferguson crisis, one pundit claims the only people who talk about race are racists, leading Jon to ask "Did you just 'he who smelt it, dealt it!' racism?"
- September 22, 2014: Jon lecturing the House Committee of Science and Technology how global warming works with a glass of water and a bucket of ice.
- October 7, 2014: Because Jon fell sick, Jason Jones has to fill in as host, though things become complicated when Jason's wife Samantha Bee tries to take over starting in the second segment.
- October 8, 2014: Kristen Schaal satirizes Republican ads aimed at women, which liken Republican nominees to wedding dresses.
Stephen Colbert or The Colbert Report
- January 30, 2006: The Word: Unscripted (mocking President Bush's confusion when an audience member asked an unscripted question). Colbert decides to break the mould and answer completely spontaneous unscreened unscripted questions from his audience.
- April 12, 2006: The entirety of Stephen's interview with Representative Brad Sherman is already pretty hilarious, but the ending has to be seen for the return of the pizza porn parody at the end.
- July 19, 2006: Following Oprah's statement that she and her best friend Gayle are not gay, Not That There's Anything Wrong with That, Stephen is inspired to announce that he and his building manager Tad are also not gay.
Stephen: We're not gay. Our relationship also has no definition in our culture."
"Yes it does! I'm your building manager!
- July 27, 2006: Congresswoman Eleanor Holmes Norton completely out-Colberts Colbert in her "Better Know A District".
- October 19, 2006: Another one for a guest: Peter Agre, with a deadpan to end all deadpans, defends a better public understanding of science. Watch the damn thing, because only a full transcript would do that clip justice.
- March 20th 2007, a.k.a. Stephen Colbert Day in Oshawa, Ontario.
: Long may the Colbert Nation grow and prosper. God save the Queen
and Stephen Colbert, and may God do so in that order.
- May 9, 2007: Jane Fonda comes on the show and messes with Colbert.
- August 14, 2007: Stephen mentions a terrible accident involving a tanker full of Formula 401, causing it to flood the highway.
- August 22, 2007: Richard Branson's interview ends in an unscripted water fight.
- May 13, 2008: Stephen reenacts Bill O'Reilly's infamous ''Inside Edition'' meltdown. But not before first letting the audience know about his Teeny Weenie, courtesy of his staff jacking his teleprompter.
- June 19, 2008: The entire review Colbert had with Cookie Monster. Half because the jokes were very funny, and half because it showed Cookie Monster acting like an adult without derailing him as so many parodies of kid's shows do.
Cookie Monster: Me had crazy times in the 70s and 80s, okay? Me like the Robert Downey Jr. of cookies!!
- July 16, 2008: The entire episode of The Colbert Report with Rush thanks to Jimmy's constant meddling causing the Colbert Anthem to be replaced by "Limelight" and Stephen's teleprompter to be rewritten to the lyrics of "By-Tor and the Snow Dog."
- April 29, 2009: What happens to girls on Ibuprofen? At about 4:50, you can find out too!.
- June 8, 2009: From Operation Iraqi Stephen:
- June 10, 2009: The segment where Colbert and Hollywood nice guy Tom Hanks prepare a care package for the troops is pure gold. Let's just say, Hilarity Ensues. It's all topped off with Tom Hanks sucker punching Colbert into a crate and sending him to Iraq.
- August 18, 2009: the tip of the hat, wag of the finger segment
- September 30, 2009: Stephen Colbert may have failed to rename Node 3 after himself, but he got a pretty sweet consolation prize. Ladies and gentlemen, NASA proudly presents the Combined Operational Load Bearing External Resistance Treadmill. Crowning Moment Of Fun with Acronyms. At this point, the patch◊ is just gravy. This also counts as a CMOA.
- Even better during the show itself where Colbert showed a clip of a CNN anchor breaking off the news asking if this was serious.
- Al Gore on Worthy Opponent, especially making Colbert go through on a really stupid claim by dunking his head.
- Colbert's segment on the wikiscanner, when he revealed that a person from the New York Times wrote on the George W. Bush page of Wikipedia the phrase "jerk jerk jerk jerk jerk jerk jerk jerk jerk."
- December 9, 2009: Let's get right to the news everybody's talking about - MONKEYS!
- January 13, 2010: This "Sport Report", about ten seconds into the report itself:
- Pretty much the beginning of any Sport Report segment, where Colbert plays air guitar (complete with vocal sound effects) for at least ten seconds after the intro sequence, getting increasingly ridiculous every time. Best
, and most recent, example is this.
- January 18, 2010: This scene:
: If a diamond is a girl's best friend, then coal is its hotter, younger sister. In the early days of coal mining, it was dirty, dangerous work as seen in this sad footage.
(Cue clip from Dig Dug
We lost a lot of good men to inflatable dragons. Thankfully, modern science has found a much safer way to get our coal: BLOWING THE TOPS OFF MOUNTAINS! AWESOME! OH DADDY!
- May 3, 2010: now-Senator Elizabeth Warren came on the Report to explain why we need an agency to protect consumers. At the end of the segment:
: Why do we need to wear a belt with our suspenders? We already have one set of regulators. Elizabeth Warren
: No, actually right now we don't have any pants on
- May 4, 2010: The Word: Flight Risk, but Michael J. Fox interrupts him to talk about his memoir "A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Future", refusing to leave until Stephen agrees to promote it.
- May 11, 2010: New regulations regarding sperm donation in Australia leads to a shortage of supply. Stephen's solution? Jacking off in the bathroom of an Outback Steakhouse.
- June 30, 2010: Mysteries of the Ancient Unknown...KING TUT'S PENIS!note
- July 7, 2010: The Stephen Colbert/Steve Carrell verbal smackdown in a July 2010 episode.
- July 27, 2010: Stephen Colbert... vs. Kevin freaking Kline on who can out-pronunciate each other. Followed by who can act out famous Shakespeare characters the best using only facial expressions and grunts.
- In that same episode, Colbert finds out that plants can apparently think and remember. He proceeds to yell at his plant Phil and shove it in the garbage, screaming: "Oh yeah! Try to make chlorophyll in there, motherfucker!"
- July 28, 2010: This installment of the long running series "Stephen Colbert's 2010 Midterm Republican Gubernatorial Primary Battle Watch '010", featuring the first appearance of Basil Marceaux.com. The whole thing is utterly insane, and ends with Colbert breaking down when he discusses Basil Marceaux.com's role as an agent of the Freedman's Bureau. Also, this part:
Stephen: I believe Islam is the one great and true cult, praise be to Allah and the Nike's he wears, all glory and honour to the comet that hides his spaceship!
- When talking about how a magazine cover digitally removed a woman standing next to President Obama for the photograph, Stephen Colbert says, "Everyone, I am a big fan of Photoshop. And so is my friend Abe Lincoln." A picture then appears of him with his arm around a portrait of Abe. The joke continues on as he removes the oil slick from the Gulf, replaces that with clean tropical water, puts the picture into the size requirements for a magazine cover, and then puts on text: "Stephen Colbert solves oil disaster!" Once he was done, he looked at the camera and said, "Nobel Prize, please! Wait..." After a few clicks on the computer, a picture of him holding the Nobel Prize appears in the top left corner. The huge smile on his face as he points to the picture just makes it better.
- Stephen Colbert was unimpressed with how Barack Obama announced the soldiers were coming back to America. His version of how it should have been done is the most Crazy Awesome thing he could have ever described.
- Everything Stephen did in relation to the 2010 Olympics, including:
- Helping the US speed skating team raise money after their main source of income went bust and "racing" against Shani Davis to show there was no hard feelings after Shani apparently took Canada's side in the "Icehole" insult battle.
- Trying out for the US bobsled team with Team 1 (AKA "The Night Train"; he blacked out and had a 2001 Acid Sequence) and the curling team.
- Technically, since it was for NBC not the Report, but Colbert's appearance during the Vancouver Olympics (which includes riding a stuffed moose and climbing into the studio's fake fireplace while exclaiming how awesome NBC is for its "realism") had the host and the film crew dying of laughter.
- And of course Colbert's Vancouver Olympics shows, where he used a blue screen "window" to relocate the studio from a mountain top to a blimp to NBC studios, and used his own fake fireplace to do satellite interviews.
- Also this sign: Marry Me Stephen, It's Legal Here!
- August 5, 2010: Stephen tells us how to ruin gay marriage. Apparently, it involves getting into a long-term relationship with a gay Jewish man named Jonathan, getting engaged to him and then jilting him at the altar. He breaks down in tears partway through telling the story.
- A Jewish man named Jonathan, hmm? Wonder who that could be...
- While it seems to fit - especially given that it's a Jewish ceremony - Stephen mentions that "Jonathan's" mother is named Janet. Jon Stewart's mother's name, according to That Other Wiki, is Marian. Of course, Stephen has also said on the show that his wife is named Lorraine- when in fact it's Evelyn. Maybe he's following the old RPF rule of not involving the families of celebrities that aren't celebrities themselves?
- August 25, 2010: Stephen Colbert presents: Mysteries of the Ancient Unknown: King Tut's Penis, part II: THE RES-ERECTION!note
- Hell, any time the hilarious chanting is used is a Funny Moment.
- Whenever that odd-sounding note sounds, it's accompanied by Colbert wiggling his eyebrows up and down, independent of one another. This is done for the duration of the note. But one time the note was mistimed, and ended up with the note being cut off and Colbert Corpsing.
- The Colbert Report's segment for their Emmy nomination for writing:
- Stephen Colbert gets married to his hand.
- September 20, 2010: And that's why Isa Blyth gets a wag of my finger... for being a century long tease.
- September 27, 2010: The Delawert Report.
- September 29, 2010: Koalas are being infected with chlamydia at a rapid rate. Threat #2 on the ThreatDown: Whoever's F@%$&*% Our Koalas! (2:00) (Colbert starts laughing so hard he breaks character.)
- Earlier in the segment:
Stephen: Nation, I love the Guinness Book of World Records. It is by far the best alcohol-sponsored reference book. Sorry, Captain Morgan's Rhyming Dictionary. It's a thousand pages of words that rhyme with "arr", like carr, and starr, and Tennessee Senatarr Lamarr Alexandarr.
- October 6, 2010: The segment on the Rawesome Foods raids in June 2010:
Stephen: Rawesome member James Stewart explains the complex etymology of the co-op's name.
James Stewart: The word "awesome" with an "R" in front of it.
Stephen: [voice-over] But everything isn't so rawesome: on the morning of June 30, armed government agents swarmed into this private business, and carried out a blitzkrieg raid. [Images of Rawesome employees are shown] These terrified Rawesome members will never forget where they were when the s**t went down.
Arnel Kalindes: I was, uh, in Minnesota.
Stephen: OK that doesn't help. Anybody else wanna tell us what happened?
- Later, one employee mentions the types of raw milk offered, including camel milk.
- October 11, 2010: Stephen Colbert finds out that semen was used by Mi:6 as an experimental invisible ink during World War I. He takes this concept and runs with it.
- October 14, 2010: Stephen buys his audience tickets for a Chinatown bus:
Stephen: I will pay for everyone here tonight to travel to Washington, D.C. on a bus from Chinatown. That's right, the Shin Wu Bus Line - departing somewhere in the bowels of Chinatown and dropping you off at an undetermined location in the D.C. metro area. [shows map of Washington D.C. with a question mark over it] On Shin Wu, you'll learn the latest Mandarin curse words from your driver. And Shin Wu boasts the latest in comfort technology, like seats. And often has windows. Remember, on Shin Wu, your chicken rides for free. A quick disclaimer: Shin Wu takes no responsibility for engine failure, lack of toilet, or chicken bites. And just to be clear, I am not putting you up in a hotel, paying for your meals, or bringing you back to New York.
- Also doubling as a CMOA, his entire Curb-Stomp Battle against a British Petroleum exec who gets run over repeatedly by a sea turtle in a hybrid while the bing.com logo flashes and Stephen sets some seagulls on him.
- November 30, 2010: CHEERIOS! CHEERIOS, NO! WHY DID YOU TAKE THAT BULLET FOR ME?! CHEERIOS, NOOOOO! You can't die, Cheerios! I'm carrying your baby!
- Stephen figuring out that there are more germs on the average keyboard than the average toilet seat.
Stephen: I've only got 1 question... who's rubbing their asses on our keyboards? They can at least leave a nice little note saying "I rubbed my ass here".
- February 2, 2011: Stephen trying his best to get a cat named Christiane Aman-purr to psychicly predict the outcome of the crisis in Egypt, by having it choose between two different food bowls marked "Democratic Uprising" and "Islamic Power Grab".
- March 3, 2011: On the subject of Jimmy Fallon's new B&J ice cream, Stephen is angry that Jimmy got a Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream flavor named after him as well. Fallon comes on the show to challenge him. They have an ice cream fight, and eat so much they get brain freeze and hallucinate that they're in Ben and Jerry world. And then they make up with a song. It's as amazing as it sounds.
- March 9, 2011: Colbert mentions going on a religion bender (i.e. Catholicism) while trying to give up religion on Lent. He almost makes it, but in the closing days he going and getting drunk on religion the way people go out and get shitfaced. He even remembers saying a "Hail Mary" and an "Our Father" at the same time—"that's right, the Catholic speedball."
- Vacsa-not-masturbating. "It is a set of realistic prosthetic arms, that make it look like you're just going about your business, so that no one will know that you're going about your business." Cue Colbert hiding his mouth behind the suit's jacket to conceal just how hard he's laughing. Furthermore, showing that Vacsa-Not Masturbating can be used to free you up to handle the issue of restless leg syndrome at a romantic dinner, driving to work, even during a high profile TV interview, with the last photo showing Colbert.
- April 12, 2011: Stephen Colbert's Twitter campaign on Jon Kyl using the hashtag: #NotIntendedToBeAFactualStatement. Some examples:
Once a year, Jon Kyl retreats to the Arizona Desert and deposits 2 million egg sacs under the sand. #NotIntendedToBeAFactualStatement. Stephen:
On weekends, Jon Kyl shoots manatees with paintball guns. #NotIntendedToBeAFactualStatement. Stephen:
Citing religious reasons, Jon Kyl refuses to utter the number 8
- April 26, 2011: This Current Events article. You know it's gonna be a long segment when the tazer used to help in the introduction decides to phone it in...
Colbert: Folks, there is electricity in the air, (reaches under his desk) and if you resist arrest, in your central nervous system! (brandishes tazer, to no avail) It's fucking broken...
- May 1, 2011: Most if not all of The Colbert Report on Bin Laden. Highlights include:
- The aforementioned celebration.
- Because Barack Obama did kill Bin Laden he was going to lay off the insults and sets an egg timer for how long he'll lay off the insults. Then parodies Obama walking out to give the announcement claiming it to be self indulgent.
- "Folks, I can not put this any plainer that golly gee willikers, by which I mean suck my giant American balls Al Qaeda."
- His inability to get over Bin Laden being shot in the eye.
Stephen: I am as giddee as a schoolgirl who just shot Bin Laden in the eye. In the eye! Hey, Osama, No 3D movies for you in hell.
- And as he jogs over to speak to one of his guests he turns to the camera, goes "whooo!" and makes a finger gun motion by his eye.
Stephen: And I hope I am never again this happy over someone's death. And I'm sure, I know if I saw myself in the mirror I would be appalled by the look on my face." (holds up mirror) "Nope I like this. That's a good look. I want to stay like this forever."
- After a report on college kids celebrating Stephan Colbert brings up how young they would have been when 9/11 happened, so he brings up a montage on the spate of shark attacks that was the big news before the terrorist attack.
See? Just sharks. So with Bin Laden gone we have nothing to worry about so long as no one chums the ocean." (cue report on Bin Laden's burial at sea) "Noooooo!!!
You fools!!! Don't you realize the Fukishima plant is leaking massive amounts of radiation into the sea, and if a mutant shark combines with Bin Laden's DNA we could be facing the summer of Fin Laden!!!
- Bin Laden's death raises a lot of questions. For example, whether Muammar Gaddafi owns a bullet proof pair of Ray Bans.
- And at the end of the show Stephan Colbert's face lights up when the egg timer rings, meaning he can make fun of Barack Obama again.
- May 17, 2011: Stephen tries not to talk about Arnold Schwarzenegger's sex scandal while discussing oil subsidies.
- May 19, 2011: Colbert making a Really Dead Montage of the entirety of civilization due to the belief that the world was going to end on May 21st.
Colbert: Goodbye! I'll see you in hell!
- June 6, 2011: The segment on Sarah Palin's History-mobile tour:
Folks, and the entire tour is to raise awareness about America's great history. So far she's lived up to her promise by visiting Gettysburg, the Liberty Bell, and the Alexander Hamilton
Service Area at Exit 15E of the New Jersey Turnpike. It's where Hamilton famously swore he'd never eat at Roy Rogers
- June 7, 2011: Colbert reports on Italian officials seizing a shipment of tap shoes headed for North Korea, which has a ban from the UN on "luxury goods" being shipped to Kim Jong Il's government. Colbert runs with the absurdity of the implications, and then brings out a tap dancing troupe composed of six dancers cosplaying as Dear Leader.
- June 21-23, 2011: Stephen's entire several-part segment with Jack White. The entire time, Jack seemed to be wondering just how the hell he got himself into this.
Think The Black Belles are ready for the Colbert Bump
What's a Colbert Bump
? Stephen: You, motherfucker are about to find out!
- July 25, 2011: Making fun of the controversial commercials for Summer's Eve feminine wash (which use hands-as-puppets as "stand-ins"). The version target at black women is described as "having an urban feel to it", and Steve finally loses it at the Latina stand-in, which asks to "get rid of that leopard print thong; <that is the tackiest thing I have ever seen in my life—and you know I've seen it!>"
: This is America; our vaginas speak English! (loses it)
- Then there's Stephen's response in the form of a dick creme...
- Summer's Eve was parodied again on August 17, 2011 with a fake commercial by Jeff Bridges.
- August 3, 2011: Threat #3 on the ThreatDown: Fake States, after the revelation that North Dakota did not swear an oath of allegiance to the U.S. Constitution in its state constitution. After announcing this item:
Nation (and I'm not talking to you, North Dakota), there are now over 670,000 foreigners massed on our northern South Dakota border, just waiting to stream into Real America and take the jobs we don't want to do, like living in North Dakota. We should have seen this danger coming, folks - we should have seen it coming after that terrifying documentary. (cue Fargo movie poster)
They've got strange native garb, they refuse to speak English... (cue clips of characters in
Fargo saying "Yah") Colbert: Yah
. And they make a very disturbing sausage. (cue scene of Gaear Grimsrud shoving Carl Showalter's remains into the woodchipper) Colbert:
I warned you. Now until North Dakota fixes their constitution, they are not a state, so it is time to update the flag.
- He then pulls out his "flag updater" from a box, and denotes North Dakota's status by putting an asterisk next to one star.
- Colbert's entire expose on Patrick Rogers.
- August 4, 2011: "An update about Colbert Super PAC takes a turn for the hilarious:
- "Munchma Quchi" has now become a Running Gag on the show.
- September 6, 2011: The "Cheating Death" segment introduces Vaxamalgam, the one-pod-of-pills-fused-together-fits-all cure to insomnia, drowsiness, angina, eczema, dry mouth, damp mouth, constipation, diarrhea, night terrors, day terrors, brunch terrors, sore throat, Deep Throat, lockjaw, slackjaw, Jabber Jaw, nausea, rashes, heart arrhythmia, erectile dysfunction, blood in urine, urine in blood, shingles, cedar shake, aluminum siding, or whatever that yellow one does. Depending on what condition you have, Vaxamalgam will cure it... or cause it. Side effects include asperger helper, Jimmy-crack-corneas, and explosive diorama.
- You also should not take it with milk...but that shouldn't be a problem as it's a suppository. (Mind you, it's about the length and width of a tv remote, sooo...)
- September 12, 2011: Colbert reports on a seemingly irrelevant story at length before revealing that the New York Times had completely plagiarized it and outright fabricated a new story.
- September 13, 2011: Stephen's guest, Al Gore accidentally breaks the fourth wall and mentions Stephen's "character." Stephen's reaction is priceless.
- After Stephen ended his 6-month long best friendship with Jimmy Fallon, Anderson Cooper offers his friendship to Stephen, along with a plug for his daytime show, but is rejected with a Too Soon. The exact same thing happens with Jimmy Fallon on Late Night the next night.
- In this clip from the June 24th, 1999 shot on The Daily Show about the end of the show "Another World": Stephen's real name isn't actually Colbert, and he's Jon's bastard elevator baby.
- November 14, 2011: Stephen Colbert relentlessly mocks the "vodka tamponing", especially when he learns that girls aren't the only ones doing it. Even worse, Stephen has to stop himself from Corpsing right in the middle of his delivery.
Stephen: (closing out the segment) And if you salt the tampons in tequila, don't salt the rim! We'll be right back! (turns away from the camera to laugh his ass off)
- December 12, 2011: Horrifying news! Norway has run out of butter! And they will soon be overrun by the butter cartels. When that happens, we will see such things as desperate butter mules swallowing condoms filled with sticks of Land 'O Lakes, then push them on the streets of Oslo to spreadheads tweaking on shortbread. Butter kingpins will be meeting by the docks to move bales of fresh-churned Golden Cow, then test its purity by backing apple turnovers in the back of a truck. In short: things will get ugly and delicious.
- The January 11, 2012 episode, where Mitt Romney's winning the New Hampshire primary and Stephen's coming to the realization that he might just have to settle for him is treated like the climax of a Romantic Comedy, complete with a gay best friend who gives advice.
- The February 23, 2012 segment with the Wheat Thins sponsortunity. It all was funny:
"A couple of times a year, the network sometimes asks me to do an integrated sponsorship, which I love - the money's green and I'm in. These sponsortunities have led to some of our most memorable segments, from the Hail to the Cheese Stephen Colbert's Nacho Cheese Doritos 2008 Presidential Campaign coverage, to last week's Syrian Atrocity Update, Brought to You by Fruit Roll-Ups. Fruit Roll-Ups: overthrow your tastebuds."
- Then there's the hilariously specific memo that states that Stephen cannot be shown eating more than 16 Wheat-Thins promoting the product on the show. He jams all 16 into his mouth:
Stephen Colbert: [with his mouth full]
This feels right. But I still want more. [to the audience]
Whaddaya say? Shoud I go for seventeen? [Audience shouts "YEAH!" Colbert reaches below his desk and pulls out a seventeenth Wheat Thin. As he is about to put it in his mouth, the show promptly cuts to a "Technical Difficulties" image for about four seconds. When it cuts back, Colbert's mouth is empty, a lawyer is standing behind him, and Colbert is reading another sheet of paper]
Stephen Colbert: I would like to apologize to Wheat Thins, and the entire Nabisco family of snackable products. I thought that I was building a purposeful experience relevent to the brand but I see now that I was being a crusader and/or a rebel.
- March 1, 2012: Most of the People Who Are Destroying America - Teachers segment. FRAUD!
- April 5, 2012: Stephen's nihilistic monologue after Stuart Varney tells us that things are getting worse because they're getting better.
- April 9, 2012: Stephen's segment about the Easter Bilby in Australia, where he mentions this:
"I have always felt a special kinship with the land down under. After all, if my Irish great-great grandfather Seamus Connolly hadn't jumped off that Sydney-bound convict ship, right now, I'd be doing segments like Tip of the Bush Hat / Wag of the Didgeridoo, and Alpha Dingo of the Week. So I assume that Australians celebrate Easter just like us, except of course below the equator, where Jesus comes out of the tomb counter-clockwise."
- In the April 12, 2012 episode, James Cameron's back-sass when Stephen argues with him about the Mariana Islands and the metric system.
Stephen: It's part of America, SIR, it's not nowhere.
Cameron: It's in the Federated States of Micronesia, SIR.
You've Canadian? Cameron:
I'm Canadian, mother[BLEEP
- April 30, 2012: This interview turned Colbert and Diane Keaton into giggling ten-year-olds who are also drunk. It's truly charming. (Some people speculate that Keaton actually was drunk, which makes it no less funny.)
- May 30, 2012: Mitt Romney's camp produces an app that comes with the typo, "For a Better Amercia," the best campaign app since Angry Pauls. Colbert runs with it as a new nation, and Hilarity Ensues as he recites Amercia's national anthem: a version of "America the Beautiful" with nearly every single word misspelled and mispronounced. Then, at the end, a banner drops down saying "Ronmey 2102", and Colbert chants, "S! U! A! S! U! A!"
- Colbert in shock over the Supreme Court's decision to uphold Obamacare.
- July 16, 2012: Colbert's segment on a Starbucks opening at a funeral home:
Folks, when a loved one dies, so many questions come to mind: "Why did this happen?", "Did I tell them I loved them enough?", and "Where can I get a low-foam skinny mocha latte
?" Fortunately, a funeral home in South Carolina has the answer. [Clip about how said funeral home is adding a Starbucks to their facilities] Colbert:
Yes, Robinson Funeral Home is serving Starbucks next to their chapel and crematory. So just be sure that's cinnamon
you're sprinkling on your latte, and not Sid Bitterman
(cue graphic of urn that says "Sid Bitterman"). Folks, this is a great way to ease the grieving process, because nothing soothes the pain of losing a loved one like your eulogy being drowned out by... [mimics the sound of a frappucino maker for several seconds, then picks up a Starbucks coffee cup from under his desk and holds it in the air] Colbert: [imitating a barista]
"Jeff? Half caf no-foam for Jeff? Hey you, the guy crying behind the podium, are you Jeff?" [puts the cup away] Colbert:
Plus, a Starbucks in a funeral home will encourage more people to come out to grieve for your loved one. You'll find yourself saying, "Wow! Who knew Uncle Ted was friends with so many aspiring screenwriters and homeless guys who need to armpit-wash in the sink?" [Covers his mouth as he tries to stifle his laughter] Colbert:
Sad. Sad occasion. Now a Starbucks in a funeral home is great for mourners, but what about the deceased? Don't they also deserve coffee? [Once again he covers his mouth as he begins corpsing]
- July 25, 2012: Stephen's reaction to one British hotel's replacing their nightstand Bibles with copies of Fifty Shades of Grey.
Stephen: They've replaced the book of Job with the book of rim-job.
Stephen: You don't need a Bible. You're all alone in a hotel room, you have a panic attack in the middle of the night, wondering what all of this means. What you need is a 500 page book about an inexperienced 22-year-old getting worked over good by a sociopathic businessman with a shvantz like a kielbasa. I mean, where else are you gonna find that kind of thing in a hotel room? (image of pay-per-view porn is shown)
- July 26, 2012: His Stephen Colbefrajilympic Expealacoverage on the opening ceremonies at the 2012 Summer Olympics. When he brings up the subject of how broadcasters have used prerecorded audio in canoeing, he plays with the idea and shows a few clips of the 2008 Summer Olympics with added in sound effects (including tennis matches with explosive hits, and fencing where clashing swords produce lightsaber sounds).
- August 1, 2012: Stephen re-enacts the winning gymnastics routine using a Barbie that is mounted on a drill and a Twinkie on 2 sticks.
- August 8, 2012: This Cheating Death segment about pills that have a tiny sensor that can send out reminders to other family members. The pill sends out a message once it is in Grandma's digestive tract (also the plot of the most disturbing Magic School Bus story ever).
- Colbert's remedy is Uni-Vacsa, a digital alert system made from cutting edge technology found in an abandoned RadioShack. His description is so funny he's trying not to corpse by the end:
Stephen: Now it couldn't be simpler: you just swallow the tablet (which is a Tablet), then activate Bluetooth to your desktop by performing a hard restart holding down your navel and your left nipple until you taste the red light. And it's all powered by eating a box of baking soda and chugging a bottle of vinegar. The resulting volcano sends a signal to an orbiting satellite, which relays your medical condition to everyone on the Dish Network.
- When Neil deGrasse Tyson explains the tides, Colbert first proclaims the moon to be god, claiming that Armstrong must be punish for stepping on it, but then claims that Neil himself is god, due to being an astrophysicist.
- August 31, 2012: Following Clint Eastwood's bizarre and memetic conversation with an empty chair representing President Obama, Colbert has the chair brought on the show to be interviewed. The chair begins to deliver an inspirational, and completely silent, speech that Colbert enthusiastically responds to. This is all accompanied by swelling, epic music, mist appearing from the background, and red, white and blue spot-lights shining down on it. It all culminates in Stephen cursing that they didn't nominate the chair to be the Republican presidential candidate instead of Romney.
- September 7, 2012: The Colbert Bump goes rogue and Stephen is forced to kill it. Neil deGrasse Tyson suffers a sudden decease in IQ as a result of the Bump's death.
- Stephen reports a story that a presidential candidate increases in popularity the more his Wikipedia page is edited. He first suggests the next president will be season six of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, then runs with the idea and edits the candidate he wants to win.
- September 26, 2012: Stephens fear that Obama will restart the Ottoman Empire.
- October 25, 2012: Stephen Ghoulbert's Spooky-Time Halloween Fun Guide. Tom Hanks offers advice about how to have an inexpensive Halloween, with children dressed suspiciously like some of Hanks' previous film roles (complete with Signature Lines!), all while strangely avoiding talking about his new movie Cloud Atlas, culminating with a guest appearance by Matt Damon in full Private Ryan costume.
- November 7, 2012: How does Stephen open the post-election edition of The Report? Like this.
- When Stephen is told about the Higgs Boson:
Stephen: So, can I have my jetpack now?
Stephen: We've won science! Can we go back to religion now?
- Stephen suggests changing the name of Madame Tussauds to Mama Tussy's House of Man-Candles.
- December 5, 2012: As Stephen goes to interview Andy Serkis, Ian McKellan suddenly stands in his way and declares "YOU SHALL... pass."
- December 13, 2012: Breaking Abbey, aka the plot of Breaking Bad with the characters and setting of Downton Abbey. Bonus points for getting three of the Downton cast members to reprise their roles.
- January 7, 2013: Colbert invoking the wrath of the "Technical Difficulties" screen + lawyer combo not once, not twice, but THREE times in a row.
- January 31, 2013: Stephen takes part in an experiment meant to observe intelligence in crows and fails at it. He consoles himself by emptying a bag of M&Ms into his mouth, and his face, and the floor.
- February 6, 2013: Stephen demonstrates how he uses pennies to alleviate colds. He puts two pennies up his nose... and gets a gumball for his efforts.
- February 7, 2013: Stephen endorses Tennessee state representative Stacey Campfield as a future presidential candidate, for his revamped "Don't Say Gay" bill note , which would require teachers to out LGBT students, as well as another bill which would cut welfare for the parents of struggling students.
- February 13, 2013: Stephen mocking senator Marco Rubio's painfully awkward rebuttal to Obama's State of the Union address by recreating and playing up Rubio's odd tics and mannerisms. He tops it off by saying that professionals know that they should maintain eye contact to avoid awkwardness. He then proceeds to stare at the camera as he climbs over his desk, crawls over to the bookshelf for a bottle of water, and sneaks back to his desk.
- February 20, 2013: Stephen's method of bringing up the horse meat scandal in the UK, and summarizes the blame game with a horse-race style commentary.
- March 7, 2013: Stephen, on the eve of a two-week break, is tired about talking about news, so he talks about The Bachelor instead. Near the end of the segment, he shows a clip of a man and two women staring at each other for a minute before the man decides who to give a rose to. He wonders how something like that could attract so many viewers... so he brings out two authors and proceeds to do the same thing to determine who the night's guest is.
- March 25, 2013: Stephen asks Junot Díaz whether Freedom University, a project which gives quality college education to people of every immigrant status, has its own sweatshirt yet. It doesn't, but Colbert had one ready: funny, awesome and heartwarming all in one neat cotton/polyester package.◊
- April 2, 2013: Stephen dubs over a speech from Kim Jong-un, making it say that the reason Austin, Texas is on North Korea's list of U.S. cities to nuke is because the SXSW Festival has become too commercial.
Kim: I say let's turn Austin into a desolate wasteland, like Houston.
- April 3, 2013: Stephen pokes fun at Rep. Louie Gohmert's (R-TX) comparison of gun control to bestiality by "proving" his argument true.
Stephen: Now, everybody knows I'm a hunter, and if I don't have a thirty-round clip to shoot these animals, what will stop me from having sex with them?
- He then does the same with climate change and raising taxes on the rich.
- April 10, 2013: Regarding Anthony Weiner's attempt to return to politics, Stephen goes into a double entendre-filled storm, complete with a hand popping up from under the desk for him to high-five whenever he makes a zinger.
- April 17, 2013: Stephen and Alan Cumming skewer Brad Paisley and LL Cool J's country/rap duet "Accidental Racist" with their country/rap duet "Oopsie-Daisy Homophobe".
- May 8, 2013: Stephen's repeated use of helium to make his voice high and squeaky while calling out the GOP's efforts to spite Obama. The next segment is about parents not using diapers for their babies, and Stephen addresses the subject in Sarcasm Mode pretty much the whole time.
- May 9, 2013: Stephen and Carey Mulligan admit neither one has actually read The Great Gatsby, most puzzling for the latter since she's starring in the 2013 film adaptation. Fortunately, the Reading Rainbow theme starts playing, and the animated Reading Rainbow butterfly leads them to LeVar Burton, who tries to explain the basic ideas of the novel. LeVar even gives Carey his VISOR to help her understand.
- During the conversation, it's revealed that not only has Carey not read the book, she can't read at all.
- June 10, 2013: In the "Cold War Update" segment, in response to the low grade of the U.S. missile launch crews, Stephen develops a new video game called Call of Duty: Padded Chair, a "first-person sitter" designed to train the next generation by having the player try to resist pressing the big, beautiful, shiny, red, candy-like button. He presses the button, causing a nuclear explosion, resulting in a "GAME OVER" sign.
Stephen: Oh well, you can play again in 100,000 years.
- June 20, 2013: Stephen's interview with Joss Whedon. All of it.
- June 24, 2013: During a report on two members of the Ku Klux Klan building a death ray, Stephen shows an animation of a Klansman shouting "WHITE POWER!" and firing a laser gun.
- June 26, 2013: Since the US Supreme Court struck down the Voting Rights Act of 1965, that apparently means racism in America is over, so Stephen celebrates by singing "Old Man River", only to incur the wrath of the "technical difficulties" screen.
- July 16, 2013: Stephen tries to disprove a study saying that people who constantly multitask have poor cognitive abilities by doing his share of multitasking, but due to his absent-mindedness, he butters his smartphone, types on his pizza box, uses his piece of toast to call his credit card service provider, and inadvertently pays the pizza delivery man with his MacBook Air.
- July 23, 2013:
It's hard to believe that only a few years ago, black and white Americans put aside their differences to hunt aliens
. I mean how, how did we forget that so soon?
(Stephen gets neuralized
- July 24, 2013: Colbert Does a sequential facepalm when reading Anthony Weiner's sexts, adding a hand as they get worse. By the time he's done he's up to four hands at once.
- July 31, 2013: After introducing a new board game where whoever gets the coin flip right wins, the other player calls heads. The coin flip was heads, so Colbert flipped the board.
- August 5, 2013: Stephen and Hugh Laurie read a list of inappropriate words and phrases that are forbidden by the FCC from network TV but acceptable on basic cable. At different points, Stephen and Hugh look uncomfortable at their next items that they try to force the other to read instead.
- August 6, 2013: Stephen boogies for 5 straight minutes to Daft Punk's "Get Lucky". Complete with various celebrity guest stars, including Hugh Laurie, Bryan Cranston, Henry Kissinger, and the Rockettes.
- August 8, 2013: Given the trend of celebrities saving regular people, Stephen decides to intentionally get in danger to meet some celebrities, so he knocks a vending machine on himself. Matt Damon arrives, but spends much of his time discussing his latest movie Elysium, at one point sitting on top of the vending machine. But as he finally gets to helping Stephen, he gets a call from Jimmy Kimmel, who's gotten himself stuck in a jar of mayonnaise, and leaves to help him instead. Thankfully, Hugh Jackman showed up to get Stephen out during the commercial break.
- August 12, 2013: Stephen and New Jersey congressman Rush Holt have a thumb war. Rush pins down Stephen's thumb while declaring thumb war, making Stephen want a rematch, which Rush wins.
- Two Words: Perfect Polly. Also, the dead kitten game show.
- September 26, 2013: With the return of CNN's Crossfire Stephen tries to start his own debate show featuring Big Bird and Oscar the Grouch
Stephen: Oscar, surely you're angry.
Oscar: No, no, I'm grouchy. A subtle, but important, emotional distinction.
Stephen: Well I'm Angry! I'm angry that you two aren't angry!
Oscar: Well that's silly. You need help.
- September 30, 2013: On the eve of the 2013 government shutdown, "Breaking Gov," the plot of Breaking Bad be used to represent the US government.
- October 1, 2013: Stephen's interview with Daniel Radcliffe ends with Radcliffe challenging Elijah Wood to a fight.
- What makes this even funnier is that at first when Stephen asks if Radcliffe could take Wood in a Radcliffe started doing the whole, 'I respect the man and his work and we wouldn't fight,' shtick, but halfway through it he decides to drop it and call Wood out.
- Also, how he continues the responses of a Fox News reporter to the ACA, with a combination of goofy logic, old-man speak, and social-media-nut speak.
Oh, so the "Affordable Health Care Act" requires everyone to buy a computer. Which you can't even order online without, you guessed it, a computer. So now I need two
The phone!? You mean Mr. Bell's demon box? How am I supposed to navigate this infernal contraption? I don't have a clue! I mean, look at these numbers! Why is there even a hashtag
button down here? Are we supposed to tweet our health problems now?
- October 8, 2013: Stephen unintentionally Crosses the Line Twice and breaks character when he accidentally draws himself a Hitler mustache. In the middle of a discussion about Hanukkah.
- October 23, 2013: "The ObamaCare website is a disaster, and I am loving it. This techno-turd taco will be Barack Obama's true legacy. It's his Gettysburg Address if Lincoln had said, 'Four score and Error 404, Emancipation Not Found.'"
- October 24, 2013: Stephen's interview with Stephen Fry has this glorious Sophisticated as Hell moment from Fry after speaking of the Tolkien-themed quiz Colbert won on the set of The Hobbit.
Stephen Fry: You cheer but do think of the implications of it. Between the ages of 13 and 17 he probably didn't know he had a penis. You were just lost in a tragic world of walking trees.
Stephen Colbert: No, I had one. I had a golden ring on it. And I never wanted to put it down.
- November 6, 2013: Stephen talks about how Ms. Marvel is being brought back as a Muslim American heroine.
This is nothing more than a Sharia creep, plain and simple. First, she's a comic character. Then she gets her own movie, then action figures. Then, next thing you know, my kids are dressing up as her for Halloween and shouting, "Trick or treat! Death to Captain America
- November 7, 2013: In light of a petition to change the name of the Washington Redskins, with one American Indian describing it as their version of the N-Word, Stephen counters that by saying "Redskins" over and over, but when he attempts it with NI-!! *cut to the Technical Difficulties screen + lawyer combo*.
- November 11, 2013: The entire "Poncho Denews" segment spoofing the controversy over the 60Minutes Benghazi story. "Poncho" is played by Sam Waterston in-character as Charley Skinner from The Newsroom. Bonus points for the greatest fake beard of all time.
- November 19, 2013: While interviewing Robert Reich, Stephen asks him what he would suggest America do to decrease the wealth gap under two conditions: without using the word "tax", and using 10 words or less. Robert goes over 10 words in each attempt.
- December 3, 2013: After hearing rumors that the Pope has a secret life, Stephen immediately assumes that he's Batpope.
- December 19, 2013: Stephen tries to defend Phil Robertson's racist remarks of black people not "singing the blues" back in the day by saying that blacks had it great in the past because they had their own water fountains. He also says that black were so great back then, that white people tries to copy them, cutting to a picture of Al Jolson in blackface from The Jazz Singer.
- January 6, 2014: In the first show in the new year, Stephen has to scrape ice off the camera, then put salt around his desk and finally start the desk again since it's so cold.
- January 16, 2014: Stephen gets a letter from Carol Burnett, apparently wishing him luck at the upcoming Grammy Awards, until Carol shows up and tries to explain that the letter was sarcastic, which Stephen can't get.
- January 23, 2014: In order to appeal to Chinese viewers after showing clips of a Chinese rip-off of his show, he fires Jay the Intern and hires a new Chinese intern:
Stephen: Ni-hao, Jao Mes. Is that how you pronounce it, Jao Mes?
"Chinese" Intern: It's James, I grew up in Seattle.
- January 27-30, 2014: Stephen gets around talking about the Super Bowl by doing coverage for the "Superb Owl" game.
- January 30, 2014: The mayors of Seattle and Denver, Ed Murray and Michael Hancock, respectively, make a friendly bet in case their cities' team loses at the Super Bowl. Murray offers some salmon and Hancock offers some beefsteak. As they shake, sealing the bet, Stephen has them arrested, since gambling is illegal in New York state.
- February 3, 2014: In his report of the conservative firestorm that erupted from Coca-Cola's Super Bowl ad, he listens to the ad where "American the Beautiful" is sung in foreign languages, followed by cutting to him covering his ears in total agony.
- February 4, 2014: Stephen reads the last words of China's "Jade Rabbit" moon rover, with Samuel Barber's Adagio for Strings playing.
- February 12, 2014: Stephen reveals that he's the First Lady of France, and starts adopting French mannerisms such as smoking, eating a baguette, and smoking the baguette. La cerise sur le gâteau is that now, Colbert's titles in the credit include one more: Première Dame de France.
- February 27, 2014: Say it with me now.
- March 3, 2014: In order to validate the false claims of Obamacare horror stories, Colbert brings in "actual Louisiana resident Chuck Dupree." Bad Bad Acting and Chewing the Scenery ensue.
- Stephen opens the show by celebrating Black History Month with a slideshow of various African-American icons: Frederick Douglass, Harriet Tubman, Martin Luther King Jr., Kirk Lazarus in blackface, and Macklemore.
- March 4, 2014: Stephen goes into full detail explaining congressman Steve King's claim that prohibiting discrimination of LGBT people would allow straight people to pretend to be LGBT so if they find themselves discriminated against, they can sue for discrimination.
- March 6, 2014: Stephen tries to sing "Happy Birthday to You" in honor of its 90th anniversary, but when he can't because of its copyrighting, Stephen sings another song to the tune of "The Star-Spangled Banner".
- March 24, 2014: Stephen's segment on the disappearance of Malaysian Airlines Flight 370.
- March 31, 2014: How does Stephen handle the backlash from "#CancelColbert" on Twitter? He invites Twitter co-founder Biz Smith, who gives him Twitter's kill switch, an old-style TNT detonator, to take out the Report's Twitter account.
- April 8, 2014: During the CIA interrogation episode in which Colbert mocks Fox News' view that the people carrying out the torture problem should not be held responsible. Then suddenly:
- Even more hilariously, he mistakes Elsa for Dana Perino, Fox News correspondent and former White House Press Secretary under George W. Bush.
- April 21, 2014: The phrase of the day in the opening credits: Hail HYDRA.
- April 24, 2014: "The Ballad of Cliven Bundy", Stephen's loving tribute to Nevada rancher Cliven Bundy and Sean Hannity.
- April 28, 2014: When Stephen learns that Popes John Paul II and John XXIII were canonized, with John Paul II's blood and John XXIII's skin sample present, he fears that the Vatican is creating a Frankenpope.
- May 6, 2014: Colbert calls up Satan
- June 9, 2014: Colbert introduces Scott Fistler by saying that he's photobombing a picture of a map. It's the way he casually says it that sells the moment.
- July 15, 2014: Threatdown All Bear Edition
- July 23, 2014: When taking about the border crisis:
: We are all painfully aware of the ongoing tragedy along our southern border. Despite our best intentions...it remains impossible to pair an outfit with turquoise jewelry. Don't believe the man at the kiosk, you will look like an extra from Dances with Wolves
- August 5, 2014: Stephen complains about Hillary Clintion's book "Hard Choices", particularly the various foreign dignitaries she names. Before he can even finish stating his disbelief that Hillary could be in so many places, she walks onto the set. After a name drop-off (in which Stephen tries to drop the bomb of Former President Bill Clinton), Hillary demands that Stephen plug her book, or she won't appear on the show. Stephen points out that she's already on the show, whereupon Hillary snaps her fingers and causes a mosaic to appear over her face (a trick she says she picked up from George Lucas).
- September 8, 2014: When discussing a new bracelet that shocks users that don't exercise enough as well as posting a status on Facebook, Colbert discussed his product, the Spine Spider:
Colbert: And what a workout! The Spine Spider takes over your motor faculties, and marches you over into a barren field where you build a large crystal pyramid. What is the pyramid for? Why does Gorlock need it? What will happen when it's finished? With Spine Spider...your brain is prevented from thinking those questions. And folks I've been using the Spine Spider for weeks, and lifting mysterious prisms at the behest of an unknown alien overlord has done wonders for my core.
- September 18, 2014: Stephen tears into an argument about putting "boots on the ground" with a relentless, rapid-fire barrage of footwear puns, complete with the footwear used in each shot. Also goes into Awesome Moment territory considering that he pulled this whole thing off in one go without a single hiccup in the delivery. (The barrage starts at about 3:30 on the linked clip.)
- September 24, 2014:
- September 29, 2014: Stephen and Jamie Oliver bond with comfort foods from their childhoods, blueberry cobbler and sticky toffee pudding, respectively, giving one another absurdly large portions. Also a Heartwarming Moment.
- October 2, 2014: Bill O'Reilly got upset after Stephen mocked his plan about a mercenary army, and said on his show: "Mr. Colbert and others of his ilk have no bleeping clue how to fight the jihad." tephen's reaction:
Stephen: That's outrageous! Bill O'Reilly has to do his own bleeping? Come on, Rupert Murdoch, spring for the bleep machine! I got one here, watch! Bill O'Reilly is a [bleep] egomaniac.
- October 13, 2014: Stephen asks South Dakota governor Dennis Daugard for his opinion about the intense congressional race and who he's endorsing, namely Republican candidate Mike Rounds, though it turns out he's actually an actor playing Daugard.
- "...so you hate him because he's anti-semantic?"
- Not to mention: "Arr, I'm Cap n' Trade!"
- Pretty much any time things don't go as planned.
- The Tek Jansen theme song. Pretty much every line.
Tek Jansen, Alpha Squad Seven, facing the future of courage!
Killing the aliens! Loving the aliens!
Sometimes loving, then killing the aliens!
Tek Jansen, wearer of starsuits, surfing the comet of danger!
Foiling his enemy, Thurmond Chang
And those affiliated with the Thurmond Chang Gang!
- The message that you get if you try accessing the Colbert Report or Daily Show via the Internet, if you live in the UK.