Funny / Penn & Teller: Bullshit!

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• In the "Abstinence" episode, Penn compliments the Planned Parenthood rep for talking about non-sexual activities teens can engage in (Hugging, cuddling, etc), but also makes sure they know about contraception and consent.
  Penn: Yeah! Planned Parenthood teaches kids that not having sex is okay too! The difference is they remember that kids don't fucking listen.
• "Elvis didn't do no drugs!" Blatant Lies by any other name.
• In the Martial Arts episode, Penn, in a ridiculous tie-dye karate uniform, teaches his own pacifist martial arts to children that involves pouring chocolate shake all over your head.
• The "Ouija Boards and Near Death Experiences" episode gets ever more ridiculous; from the ouija board that still works upside down to the people who believe their dog has been re-incarnated three times until, with perfect comic timing, Penn announces "then there's this fuckin' guy..."
• Professor Best: "We didn't interview Professor Best just because of his last name but we did tell Professor Worst to go fuck himself."
• In "Signs from Heaven", Penn shares a story about a grilled cheese sandwich that is supposed to look like the Virgin Mary. Near the end of the episode, he points out that the woman who has it is essentially using this to make a quick buck. As she prattles on about people being impressed by it, Penn whispers "Grilled cheese sandwich...grilled cheese sandwich..." on top of her dialogue. Cue Smash Cut to Penn and Teller in the white void:
  Penn: It's a grilled fucking cheese fucking sandwich!! It's not an icon! That is barely even a sandwich! A reuben is a sandwich. Ya got the pastrami on it, a little bit of sauerkraut, some Russian dressing...(picks up a reuben from a pile of reubens) THIS is worthy of our worship! Hey, Teller...(points to a piece of pastrami) there's a face of Mary right here!
  (Teller rips the piece out of Penn's sandwich and eats it immediately. Penn doesn't care and eats another piece of pastrami)
  • From the same episode, a woman and her son believe that the wood grain in a door is a similar sign. However, one thinks it's Mary and the other thinks it's Jesus. Penn says this is an easy mistake since "Jesus and his mother do dress alike".
• The Area 51 episode has a hilarious spoof of the whole "alien conspiracy" with the Running Gag of "Box 51" in which Penn claims a box Teller is holding contains Hitler's brain due to Teller neither denying or confirming said brain is in the box.
  Penn: (Box begins to twitch) Not only does Box 51 contain Hitler's brain, but it can dance! (smoke emits from the box and lights flash from inside as well) And it's on fire!
• And then in the Conspiracy Theories episode, Penn and Teller depict what it would look like if the Apollo moon landings were staged on movie sets as conspiracy theorists claim.
  Penn: CUT! Jesus fucking Christ, Neil! How many times do we have to try this? "One small step for A man", not man. A man! And that's YOU! Everybody take five. Neil, practice your fucking lines! [to Teller] Ooh yeah, let's use real pilots. I wanna use real pilots! [to the camera] Faking the Moon Landing is easy. You need dirt, wardrobe, a sound stage, a lot of black paints, and some stupid suits. The hard part is shutting people up. It's been 36 years!^note The episode was recorded in 2005. You'd think the technicians, and prop people, camera people, directors, everyone who works at NASA, and the Jet Propulsion Lab in Pasadena, and all the nice folks at Cape Carnaval in Florida, plus members of the US Congress and the White House all shut up about this amazing cover-up for all that time? The Government couldn't even fucking cover up a break-in to a psychiatrist's office in a fucking cheesy hotel! Watergate is the answer to all this shit. If they couldn't cover that up, they fucking can't do anything.
• In the Video Games episode, one guy claims that FPS's "train" kids to shoot. They wordlessly tear apart the idea that mainstream video games can train you for anything by showing Teller calmly playing Wii Tennis, then having a real tennis player hand him a racket and serve him a ball. It doesn't even look like Teller sees the ball.
• From the Martial Arts episode:
  Penn: (on the subject of a cynical karate studier making the art of breaking boards seem like nothing more than a parlor trick) Okay, if you're gonna badmouth Sensei Mike's powers, you better stand up and start chopping some wood. Quit acting like your wife could do it in your garage with your neighbor. (scene cuts to immediately what Penn just stated) Heh heh... oh shit. That's your wife, isn't it? In your garage? With your neighbor?
• The PETA episode is full of these:
  • Ted Nugent discussing the organization. Large Ham doesn't even begin to describe it, he devours more pork in 30 seconds than Penn would have in his life.
  • When they meet activist Rodney Coronado, who had fire-bombed several animal testing labs, was polite and friendly in his response to Penn Jillette's call. This prompted Penn Jillette to remark "Cool guy, likes us, and likes our show. Too bad he's a fuckin' arsonist."
  • Penn points out that a chicken in the studio is eating chicken.
  • Patti Strand from The National Animals Interest Alliance has a more appropriate name for PETA: People for Extortion, Terror and Abuse.
• Penn (when speaking of Pope Benedict XVI): "Now let's get this party started, with the man who puts the "athol" (pronounced like asshole) in Catholic."
• Penn teaching people how to pronounce "And then there's this asshole" in the College episode.
• Penn trying to tell the story of the Ghost Hunters "spooky encounter" from that episode as an actual ghost story, ending with "... and then the electric doohickey, which they hadn't calibrated at all, went from three to seven!
• As a part of the 'Hair Hysteria' episode, three volunteers recruited though Craigslist, two men and a woman, go through waxing, including their private areas, with the woman getting a Brazilian. One of the cut-backs shows one of the men about to get their rear-end waxed, and Penn yells out the tagline 'And then there's THIS asshole!' and then there is much celebrating, with Penn happily exclaiming they've been waiting to set up this moment.
• The first time Dr. Stevens shows up in the Exorcism episode, a hilariously badly rotoscoped Teller in a Satan mask pops in behind him to "possess" him.
• Early on in the Wal-Mart episode, Penn does a full disclosure where he notes various lawsuits and settlements the company was involved in. He finishes by stating that he, personally, prefers Target.
• In the Multi-Level Marketing episode Penn's rant about not being able to point out that they're just illegal pyramid schemes with product tossed in as a smokescreen for legal reasons gets cut off by his lawyer insisting "I'm the one who's going to have to defend you assholes!" What truly sells the moment is that Penn is saying these while dressed in a pharaoh costume and standing in front of a backdrop of the Great Pyramid of Giza.
• In the Endangered Species episode, Endangered Species Coalition chairman Bill Snape attempts to debunk claims that the Endangered Species Act has killed the value of countless acres of land, only for Penn to point out that after taping the interview, he noticed how Bill was worried about his portrayal.
  Penn: Well, Bill. Welcome to Bullshit. (whispers) Here's a tip: never agree to go on a show called Bullshit UNLESS YOU'VE DONE YOUR FUCKIN' HOMEWORK!!!! (back to whispering) You should've looked a little harder Bill, because now we're gonna introduce you to a person you say doesn't exist.
• From "The Bible: Fact Or Fiction":
  Penn: Exodus 21:7 says it's OK to sell your daughter into slavery.
  (Penn slams the Bible into the palm of his hand and tosses it aside)
  Penn: Not even in Nevada!^note  For those that are unfamiliar with Nevada and/or don't live in the US, Nevada was the only jurisdiction in America where prostitution is permitted in some capacity when that episode was made. As of January 2020, it still is.
• In the doomsday episode, they interview a man who believes a brown dwarf star would destroy the Earth. They cut to Penn and Teller approaching Gary Coleman (literally a brown dwarf star) if he was going to destroy the world in which he replies "yes". Another cut shows Coleman has turned into a giant and terrorizes the pair.
• In the AA episode, they show a clip of a man holding up the pocket-sized book, Alcoholics Anonymous, which is popularly known as "the Big Book".
  Penn: Holy shit! If that's a big book he's a motherfucking giant! Run! RUNNNNNN!

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