Which may be the funniest line Jennifer Hale has ever delivered. And thats saying something.
HK defines love. The best part about this line (that people always forget) is that, in context, it becomes almost sweet... or at least as sweet as HK can ever be.
"Definition: 'Love' is making a shot to the knees of a target 120 kilometers away using an Aratech sniper rifle with a tri-light scope. Statement: This definition, I am told, is subject to interpretation. Obviously, love is a matter of odds. Not many meatbags could make such a shot, and fewer would derive love from it. Yet for me, love is knowing your target, putting them in your targeting reticule, and together, achieving a singular purpose, against statistically long odds."
HK's hatred toward the Ithorian shopkeeper you buy him from, especially if you're passive about his threats.
"Did you hear that meatbag? I WILL BE BACK!"
"Expletive: Damn it, master, I am an assasination droid... not a dictionary!"
His comments about how humans are mostly water. It includes such things about humans having "all those squishy parts" and wondering "how the constant sloshing doesn't drive you mad". The player has the option to reply, "Neither do I, come to think about it."
Discussing the legal requirements for his type of model (which he evasively clarifies as "the illegal kind"):
PC: There are legal requirements for illegal models? HK: Answer: More than there are for legal models, apparently. That is meatbag logic for you. PC: But... how can illegal models be regulated? HK: Query: Would you rather be caught with contraband that is very illegal, or just a little illegal? PC: What's the difference? HK: Answer: About twenty years, master. PC: Maybe we'll keep you a little illegal, then. HK: Agreement: That was my thought as well, master. You show excellent logical skills... for a meatbag.
During a murder investigation where you have to interrogate two subjects and find out who (if any) is lying, one of the reasons you can give for why someone is lying is "Fat people always lie."
Speak to the Rakatan Elders, and try to explain yourself.
Rakatan Elder Councillor: Is this some type of test, Revan? Some type of trick? You came seeking our aid; you came in search of a way to enter the Temple of the Ancients. You claimed to be seeking a way to destroy the Star Forge, and we were foolish enough to believe you. Unaware of your true nature, we helped you enter the Temple. But you betrayed us, Revan. Instead of destroying the terrible legacy of our ancestors, you unleashed the evil of the Star Forge upon an unsuspecting galaxy. And now you stand before the Council of Elders once more. And once more we ask you: for what reason have you returned, Revan?
PC: Uh... I need to get into the Temple so I can destroy the Star Forge.
During the questions for what kind of Jedi you'll be:
There is a locked door, and you need to get to the other side. What do you do?
Which, by the way, is impossible without tampering with the game files a little.
"I may have lost 52 matches in a row before you, but I figure I've got your number!"
Not reconciling the two feuding families on Dantooine. You can be such a total, totaldick it Crosses the Line Twice back into funny.
It really does, as shown in the second part of this video.
Carth and the female PC flirting, her hurting his "man-feelings". "Don't tell me not to take it personally, you hairless wookiee!"
The PC just loves to toy with Bastila.
Bastila: On which planet were you born?
PC: Kashyyyk. I'm a Wookiee...can't you tell?
Bastila: What is your background?
PC: I'm a Hutt in human form planning to overthrow the Republic.
Bastilla: How old are you?
PC: 3012. Healthy living, you know.
Bastila: I see you intend to be childish about this.
Any attempt to flirt with Bastila. See here for a good compilation.
Teasing Carth works better for a female character.
The male PC's and Bastila's interactions.
PC: "Your face is all scrunched up like a kinrath pup."
Bastila: "A...a kinrath pup? It most certainly is not!"
PC: "Come on, I was only having fun."
Bastila: "Fun? Fun? Driving me insane is your idea of a good time? You...you are a really odd man, do you know that? I simply don't know how to deal with you. All I want to do is help you but you seem determined to drive me mad."
The female PC attempting to romance Carth.
Carth: I don't know, what am I gonna have to do to earn forgiveness?"
PC: "Just a little kiss. How about it?"
Carth: "I...aheh, I really think that we should...um...get going."
PC: "No kiss then?"
Trying to get Carth to open up about his past. You can go with the understanding, patient route... or you can annoy it out of him. And of course, as a female Player Character, you once again derail the conversation into childish bickering.
Carth: Yes, What's on your mind? PC: I want to continue our discussion from before. Carth: I thought I said I didn't want to talk about it anymore. PC: Yes, but I'm bored, so spit it out. (...) Carth: Blast it if you aren't the most frustrating woman to talk to! PC: *I'm* frustrating? Look who's talking! Carth: What? Me? What did I do? PC: Oh, that's rich. Where have you been? Carth: I... *sigh* Okay, I give up. You win.
On Tatooine, a guard won't let you out of the settlement without an access card. If you Jedi Mind Trick him to let you past anyway, he'll explain, and he's just sick about this, that the gate will not open unless he runs your access card through the scanner, but he's so terribly sorry that he can't help you.
You'd be surprised what people can be persuaded into doing by a Dark Exile. And you don't even need to be a Dark Exile; even if you're going for light-side mastery, it's worth it.
Exile: [Force Persuade] Give me all your credits and jump into that pit over there. Exchange Mook #1: B-but...can't resist...here, take the credits...I have to go. Exchange Mook #2: Jumping into the pit is a good idea. Get to ground faster that way.
Funnier still, some followers will react to this with a light-side style Influence gain, since you still technically saved the guy the thugs were shaking down.
The male Exile would perhaps prefer a little excitement.
Vossk: There are the Twin Suns, two Twi'lek slaves from Ryloth, slaves who killed their masters and developed a taste for it. They have mastered a dance of death. Very beautiful, very dangerous. Exile: Two beautiful Twi'leks are hunting me? How is that bad? Brianna:(rolls eyes)
Exile: What if I wanted to kill the other bounty hunters but still have the Twi'leks chase me? Brianna:(bristles)
When talking to Brianna on the Ebon Hawk while you're both in your underwear.
Exile: Do you think you could put some clothes on?
Brianna: It does not seem to bother you.
Exile: Yeah, well, I can walk around like this if I want to. This is my ship.
Before the battle on Dantooine, you can choose to give a Rousing Speech to the defending forces. One of your options is "Tell them they're doomed," resulting in the following address:
Exile: Nothing hurts more than a blaster shot to the groin. If you've never been shot, there are no words to describe how much pain you're going to feel... and there are many other ways you can get maimed and seriously injured. I expect most of us are going to die today, so you might want to think about all the things you care about. It won't matter soon. Uh... That's it, really.
What makes it even funnier is that after you get done speaking, every single one of the troops starts doing the "panic/cower" animation where they tremble and cradle their heads in their hands. Zherron informs you that he doesn't think your speech helped all that much, and also that the men react pretty much the same way to his speeches.
How can people forget this hilarious exchange when you first encounter the Mandalorians on Dxun?
Mandalorian sentry: We claimed this moon decades ago when we reforged ourselves after Exar Kun's defeat. Some of us call it home. Why are you trespassing here?
Exile: I was thinking of starting a Czerka office here. I sense a lot of untapped potential.
Mandalorian sentry: That was a joke, right? It'll be interesting to see how long you keep your sense of humour - here.
In the tomb of Ludo Kresh, when reaching the vision of Kreia and the companions, the Exile catches on to the fact that it's just another vision. As the hallucinations of the companions gang up on the hallucination of Kreia...
Exile: Why do I even bother?
Jolee never misses an opportunity to snark. Even Canderous approves.
Lashowe: "Do you know how many Sith there are here on Korriban?"
Jolee: "Twelve! No, wait, Thirteen!"
Canderous: "Nice one, old man."
Jolee: "Thank you, it takes effort to be properly irreverent at my age."
Jolee and his story about "swirling Force" and destiny. "You know, you remind me of someone I used to know. Promising young man, great destiny. Breath like a bantha."
Especially his comment about how sometimes "swirling Force" is just "swirling Force", no matter how many old geezers say "Oooh, destiny!"
And his whole story about the guy who believed his destiny made him invincible so he started talking back to the warlord Kraatnote "Tall fellow, biiig teeth." who had him hostage, got thrown down an intake pipe, bumped into something on the way down, and blew the whole ship to bits.
Choosing Jolee to break you out of prison: first he uses a Mind Trick to get put in a cell on his own. Then he mind tricks the guard into letting him out because he's old and could catch a cold in the cell. Then he uses the mind trick again to convince the guard that he should be punished for letting him escape and so should lock himself in the cell. Finally he drops the mind control just so he can mock the guard some more - and all with a tone of voice that tells you he just loves messing with these weak minded fools.
Guard: "Wh... what just happened? What am I doing in here? Damn you, old man! I'll kill you if I ever get outta here!
Jolee: Then I'll be sure never to let you out. Goodbye sonny! [cheery wave]
On a similar note, taking Jolee with you when first applying for admission to the Sith academy, which arguably Crosses the Line Twice. When you refer to him as a slave, he instantly adopts a servile manner and expresses gratitude that you don't beat him much any more. Even Yuthura is somewhat put off. Also this:
Master loves tombs, don't you, master?
Discussing the Wookie's reverence of him.
"Later, I found out they would say prayers to the Hairless One before venturing into the Shadowlands. Harumph, Hairless One. I used to have plenty of hair, I tell you."
When asking him why he stayed on Kashyyk
Jolee: What can I say, I did it all for the Wookies.
Player: The Wookies?
Jolee: The Wookies!
Asking Jolee of what he know about Korriban.
Jolee: Pfah! Korriban's a rock! Mind the sith.
If you have Jolee, Canderous or HK-47 with you during your conversation with Mekel outside the Sith Academy:
Jolee: "Why not shoot them where they stand? It would at least be more direct."
"Nice outfit. What, you miners change regulation uniform while I've been in here?" Depending on your gender, this is delivered curtly or in a 'How you doin'?" manner, seeing as you're in your underwear at the time.
"Look, not that your naked interrogation isn't a personal fantasy of mine..."
Atton: "Just so you Jedi know, the whole "cryptic routine" isn't mysterious, it's just irritating. If you really can see the future, you should be at the pazaak table." Exile: "But to know the future, one must know yourself." Atton: "What was that, some kind of joke? That's what I'm talking about. "Jedi talk". You two should start your own little Jedi Academy." Exile: "But to teach, one must be willing to learn." Atton: "All right, all right! Cut it out, I get it, I get it! The last Jedi in the galaxy, I get the comedian who runs around in her underwear. Not that I'm complaining. Most Jedi wouldn't know a joke if it crawled up their lightsabers."
(after the Exile tells him she's found some clothing) "Dammit. I mean...good, good to hear it. No sense in you running around half-naked. It's... it's distracting. I mean, for the droids."
"Who designed those Sith uniforms anyway? A Blind Rodian with a sick sense of humor?"
There's a farmer named Jon at the Jedi Enclave, and when he first sees you he demands to know why the Jedi haven't yet done anything about the Mandalorians terrorizing the people of Dantooine. You have three dialogue options as usual, but if you pick a particular one...
Player: We are Jedi. What we decide is right.
Carth: Is that your impression of Bastila? If so, it's a good one.
The Exile needs to break into Vogga the Hutt's vault to get parts to rebuild her lightsaber. To do so the idea is to have either her or another party member dance for him, then sneak in when he falls asleep. Try and get Mira and we get this exchange.
Mira: You want me to do it? Why can't you do it?
Exile: You're right. You're probably not Vogga's type.
Mira: Oh, so it gonna be like that? Fine. I will do it. I'm not gonna back down from a challenge like that.
There's also the option of suggesting Kreia.
Twi'lek: No offense, but Vogga generally likes his dancers younger.
Kreia: (in a voice that combines snark with irritation) None taken.
Juhani is a Gay Option for female characters. If played to the conclusion we get this this exchange.
Juhani: Now that I have shared my thoughts, I don't know what to say.
PC: How about 'thank you'?
G0-T0's haggling with a salvager in the ruins of the Jedi Enclave shows the dangers inherent in building a droid that knows every law of every planet in the history of ever:
G0-T0: Amendment 1695-30 of the Khoonda Civil Code allows us to sell you into slavery.
Jorran: What?! That's ridiculous!
G0-T0: Paragraph 12: Salvageable items include organic matter incapable of leaving the boundaries of the salvage area.
Jorran: You wouldn't!
G0-T0: A male human such as yourself would fetch approximately 500 credits on the auction block on Nar Shadaa. Therefore, I suggest you sell your goods for a sum 500 credits less than your initial figure.
The Say My Name montage at the end of the Sandral/Matale feud. Serious situation, hilarious encounter.
Ahlan: There you are, Shen!
Rahasia: Mr. Matale!
Shen: Mr. Sandral!
Anyone else think being given the dialog option to shout your character's name randomly at the end of that would have made it even better?
One of the dialogue options while Ahlan and Nurik are arguing is just your PC screaming SHUT UP!
If you convince Elise's droid to return to her on Dantooine, you can later find Elise and the droid in one of the private rooms of the Jedi Enclave. It's not explicit, but it's still pretty obvious you were interrupting.
Carth: I've never felt so sorry for a droid before.
For clarification the PC comes across Elise who is frantic over the droid going missing, but at first makes it sound like it's her husband. Turns out the droid tried to run off because she was using it as a Replacement Goldfish and, it's suggested, a Sex Bot.
Some other characters have their input on this, such as when Bastila almost does not want to imagine just what Elise and the droid get up to.
Carth: Wow she really misses her droid doesn't she?
Bastila: This is hardly the time for jokes. She's obviously distressed enough as it is.
Carth: I'd say.
'''Bastila: Carth! Enough.
The HK-50 unit on Peragus has a few gems on the Faux Affably Evil side, given that it can't quite keep itself from gloating about how it managed to slaughter every member of the facility's crew. Then there's this moment.
HK-50: Mocking query: Coorta? Coorta, are you dead yet?
The Gizka quest. Even the quest log is exasperated by the harmlessly annoying froggy-things.
Several times if a Jedi is in your party and negotiations are going nowhere they might pull out the old Jedi Mind Trick. If Bastila does this she might look around nervously afterwards in case anyone saw her.
Deadeye Duncan can run into you on Manaan and mention how he managed to escape Taris after it was carpet-bombed.
Mira: Easy. When they look down it leaves them open to an uppercut that knocks them flat. Exile: That could work, I guess. Mira: It's simple. When you want a man, jab him with a bothan stunner, then when he's screaming in pain slap some stun cuff on him. Then starve him for two or three days until he becomes open to suggestion, before double checking if he's worth anything. Exile: That sounds more like hunting. Mira: Call it what you want. Me, I love my targets.
If you're male, you get a cutscene where Mira pulls Brianna aside and gives her the same advice on getting men; the Handmaiden's reply is the exact same as the Exile's.
Mira doesn't like grenades, but if asked will explain that she does use them.
I don't use them unless their their the ion grenades, or gel packs. Sonic screamers are good too, just don't use them on a Bith, cause it makes their head explode. While we're at it don't use them on a Sullastan either. It bursts their eardrums and makes them jibber twice as fast.
In KOTOR 2, on Telos, if you take the light side path and help the Ithorians, you get a quest where you control Czerka's protocol droid. And that quest is full of pure fun, first in tricking the high-and-mighty Czerka officer Jana Lorso, and then, there is this exchange with the maintenance droid T1-N1:
In the restored content of KOTOR 2, if you find the love interest's message from the first game, Kreia will later attack T3 screaming, "BETRAYAL!" It's so incongruent, it's hysterical.
After Kreia warns a male Exile about their relationship with Visas and not to get intimate;
Exile: Just because I saved her doesn't mean I want to charge up her loading ramp!
Zaalbar, during his time his time captured by Gamorreans, wasn't fed and got testy for not having his five-square-meals a day. He managed to survive by grabbing one that walked too close and eating their arm off. But he spat it out because it tasted bad. Never mess with a wookie.
There's also Mission's story of how the two met; he picked up one Black Vulkar by the neck who fainted immediately from Big Z's horrible breath, while the other two screamed and ran off. You could just hear Mission laugh as she recounts the tale.
Sion: You seek to erode my will. You will not succeed. [You have eroded Sion's will, reducing his Will saves, Constitution, and Wisdom.]
It's a shame that the Droid Factory was Dummied Out of KOTOR 2, as it seems there would have been a number of amusing moments. This particular one comes right after HK-47 asks a group of HK-50's why the facility was built.
HK-50 #1: Dismissive Answer: We do not know. It is not important.
HK-50 #2: Timid Theory: Perhaps the humans simply liked being underground. They are strange that way.
The rest of the HK's turn to look at the HK that just spoke
HK-50 #2: It is merely a theory.
HK-50 #1: Irritated Statement: That is the least probable theory in the galaxy. Perhaps it is time you received a memory wipe.
HK-50 #2: Defensive Statement: The theory is no less valid than your theories. In the lack of evidence, I defend my position.
A rather funny line from Mira while training her as a Jedi:
Mira: But if... if I become a Jedi, I'll have to turn myself in for the credits.
Bastila's retelling of how the Vulkar were able to capture her—she lost her lightsaber—and Carth (playfully) mocking her for it. You can join in and wonder why of all the Jedi in the universe, you got to team up with the "absentminded one". Bastila is not amused...