"I! DROPPED THE SCREW! IN THE TUNA! IT WAS ME! Oh, the humanity!"
Also in "Tainting of the Screw", Kel tries to distract Kenan while rehearsing for his testimony by saying the monkey and tiger set up as part of an imaginary jury shouldn't be so close together. Kenan shoves the monkey in a drawer.
Kel: That's jury tampering! Kenan: HUSH!
Kel imagines what he would do with his share of the money: buy a year-supply of ham.
Kenan: You're sick, man. Kel:(all giddy) I enjoy ham.
Kenan: I read a story about a woman who went into a fast food restaurant and found half a frog on her fried chicken. Kel: Ooh, what was the other half? Chris: Try not to speak.
Kenan: You know any lawyer we can call? Chris: Sure, my cousin's a lawyer. Kel: My cousin's in a circus. Kenan: So?
Kenan: No! I know someone who'll handle it for free. Kel: My cousin from the circus? Kenan: No, man. Me!
While Kenan types getting word about his choking, Kel was wearing a creepy mask, scaring Kenan. Later, Kel took the mask off, scaring Kenan again.
The ending to "Mental Kel-Epathy", in which Kel (pretending to be psychic) takes part of a test set up by a talk show. He had to press a button to turn on a green light, the other buttons though sends a nasty buzzing sound to headphones worn by the Rockmores & "Ezekiel" (actually Chris in disguise). Naturally he screws up and in the end he admits he's a fraud.
Kenan: You just a child? Here I come, I'm gonna get you for messing up my- (Kel pressed the button that sends a buzz in Kenan's headphones) -Ow, plan! (Kel pressed the button again) You're supposed to be my boy! (Kel pressed the button again) This could've worked! (Kel rapidly pressed the button) OW! OW! I'm gonna beat ya-OW! (Kel pressed almost every button) Daddy, he's hurting me.
Kel taunting Mad Dog in episode "Girl Watchers":
Kel: I mean, who wanna be your girlfriend?
Kenan: Kel! Shh! He doesn't mean that.
Kel: Oh yes I do. I mean, look at you. You're big, and ugly, and... tattooed.
In "Dial O for Oops":
Kenan: You'll be Amy. Kel: And who'll you be? Kenan: ME! I'll be me!
While Kel acts all girly and in front of a mirror, pretending to put on make up and firming his "breasts".
Kenan: Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring! MAN, PICK UP THE SHOE!!
Kenan didn't hang up well, and the Dawsons' answering machine recorded everything Kenan and Kel said about Mr. Dawson, which is what Roger said.
Kenan: Stop saying my name. Kel: Why Kenan?
Kenan: I'm sorry! Oh please forgive me! Don't fire my daddy! This isn't even Kenan. This is... [with accent] Fernando. Fernando Mantebal. I don't know nobody named Kenan. I... [loses accent] oh! [hangs up] Kel: Smoooth.
"Kenan, I don't wanna go to Alaska! Can we just stay here in America?"
Kenan wants Kel to explain why he's been gone for so long when he only sold one ticket.
Kenan: Elaborate. [Kel just stands there] Kenan: Tell me what happened!
This dialogue after Kel broke the TV while getting his orange balloon:
Kenan: Why did you have to use Chris's raffle prize as some kind of a trampoline?! Kel: Well if Chris was raffling off a trampoline in the first place, we wouldn't be in this mess! Kenan: You're trying to blame this on Chris? Kel: I'm sorry, I'm just projecting my guilt to an innocent party, you know, in a futile attempt to alleviate my own feelings of responsibilities. Kenan: (...) What? Kel: What part didn't you understand?
When Kenan explains how he's gonna rig the raffling:
Kel: So tell me how I'm gonna win the TV. That I don't get to keep.
Kenan: ... and then, you win the TV! Kel: Yeah! That I don't get to keep. Kenan: Enough!
"Grab a seal, some a veal, and the Shaquille O'Neill, and meet me down by the ferris wheel. To be real!"
Kel disguises himself as a cowboy. Kenan tells him he looks ridiculous and takes his cowboy hat off, only to see him bald. Kel shaved his head so people wouldn't recognize him. When Kenan pointed out the flaw in that, Kel started to cry.
Kenan showed Kel the hate mail of them.
Kenan: All of Chicago hates us. Kel: I'll bet we're the most hated kids in Chicago. Kenan: Oh yeah, it's a magical day.
"The Chicago Witch Trials"
Sharla: Don't worry, Kenan. She doesn't dislike you... yet. Kenan: Well, if she's with you, she can't be picky. (long pause) Hi, Becky.
Kel: Which trials?
Sharla accidentally blew dust on Becky. It made her itchy. Kenan peaked to see her scratching.
Kenan: But I'll tell you one thing: if I do go out with her, man, I am not wearing this stupid, ugly, rice pants. You know, for somebody that works in a clothes store, she sure has bad taste in clothing.
Kel: Yeah, she got bad taste in perfume, too. She smells like a stinky water buffalo.
The policemen in "Attack of the Bug Men".
Kenan: Why won't you feed me, father? Cow: Moooo??
The Thanksgiving special. They ruin the first dinner so they ordered two turkeys... but they didn't realize they were LIVE turkeys until they heard the delivery box gobble. Then they buy a FROZEN dinner and realize they can't make it in time to serve it... so they throw the microwave in the oven hoping to speed up the process. The kitchen blows up. In a last ditch effort, they steal Chris' turkey dinner he ordered at a restaurant and... well, eventually everything came crashing down at that point for Kenan and Kel.
Even though the Two Heads Are Better Than None movie is dark, it still has moments that make you laugh. Examples include the world's biggest ball of string and the headless knight's doorbell ring tune.
In "To Catch A Thief", Kenan is about to reveal to his (and Marc's) parents that Marc stole his watch, when Marc bursts in and starts yelling "We've been robbed! They broke into our house, they unmade my bed, and got PEANUT BUTTER in my underwear!!!"
Kel: Maybe it was ninjas that took your watch. Kenan: Yes, it makes perfect sense! Kel: I know, because ninjas are shadow warriors that can sneak up. 'I'm a ninja. I'm a ninja.' Kenan: STOP THAT! I'm not talking about no ninja! I'm saying that it makes perfect sense that he wouldn't wear the watch he stoled at the place I work. Kel: So if it wasn't super-rats or ninjas... I give up!
Kel: Kenan, do we have to kill Wendell? Kenan: Yes now go to bed. Kel: Well, what if you were a rat and someone wanted to hurt you? Kenan: Let's see: I'm not a rat, never been a rat, have no plans to become a rat. So... Good Night, Kel! Kel: Good night. RAT-HATER!!
In "Fenced In", Kel points out the irony of their situation:
Kel: Hey, Kenan, it is kinda funny when you think about it! I mean, we made a date with two pretty girls! And all the only thing they care about is us being on time! Wait, here's the funny part, you made a little map and everything! And we left three hours early, and now we're stuck in a fence!
"Mo' Sweater Blues" in its entirety.
Kel's obsession with the talking pen Kenan received from Chris for his birthday in "Present Tense". He likes it so much he goes out and buys his own, only for Roger to destroy it by throwing it at the wall.
The entirety of "Housesitter".
Kenan tells Kel to get the house keys when they went to buy new plants and stuff to fix the house. Kel looks at it and laughs, closing the door on the way out.
(Kenan and Kel come through the kitchen window) Kel: Man, I can't believe we got locked out of Chris's mama's house! I mean, why does this stuff always happen to us? Kenan: Well, remember when I said "Kel, grab the keys"? Kel: Yeah? Kenan: WHY DIDN'T YOU?? Kel: You were serious about that? I thought you were telling a joke. Kenan: A joke?! Kel, if it was a joke, it would have been funny! Kel: I don't know, I've heard a couple of your jokes. (Kenan mocks laughter)