- "I! DROPPED THE SCREW! IN THE TUNA! IT WAS ME! Oh, the humanity!"
Kenan: There! No more monkey!
- Also in "Tainting of the Screw", Kel distracts Kenan while rehearsing for his testimony by saying the monkey and tiger set up as part of an imaginary jury (using Kyra's stuffed dolls) shouldn't be so close together. Kenan shoves the monkey in a drawer.
Kel: That's jury tampering!
Kenan: You're sick, man.
- Kel imagines what he would do with his share of the money: buy a year-supply of ham.
Kel: (all giddy) I enjoy ham.Kenan: I read a story about a woman who went into a fast food restaurant and found half a frog on her fried chicken.
Kel: Ooh, what was the other half?
Chris: Try not to speak.
Kenan: Are you all thinking of I'm thinking?
Kenan: My boy!
Kel: We gotta find the other half of the frog!
Kenan: No, man!
Kenan: You know any lawyer we can call?
Chris: Sure, my cousin's a lawyer.
Kel: My cousin's in a circus.
Kenan: I know someone who'll handle it for free.
Kel: My cousin from the circus?
Kenan: No, man. Me!
- While Kenan types getting word about his choking, Kel was wearing a creepy mask, scaring Kenan. Later, Kel took the mask off, scaring Kenan again.
- The ending to "Mental Kel-Epathy", in which Kel (pretending to be psychic) takes part of a test set up by a talk show. He had to press a button to turn on a green light, the other buttons though sends a nasty buzzing sound to headphones worn by the Rockmores & "Ezekiel" (actually Chris in disguise). Naturally he screws up and in the end he admits he's a fraud.
- Kel: I'm so sorry! I'm sorry!Kenan: What?Kel: Sorry!Kenan: Your sorry?Kenan: You just a child? Here I come, I'm gonna get you for messing up my- (Kel pressed the button that sends a buzz in Kenan's headphones) -Ow, plan! (Kel pressed the button again) You're supposed to be my boy! (Kel pressed the button again) This could've worked! (Kel rapidly pressed the button) OW! OW! I'm gonna beat ya-OW! (Kel pressed almost every button) Daddy, he's hurting me.
- "Mo' Sweater Blues" in its entirety.
- In "Dial O for Oops":
- Kenan: You'll be Amy.
Kel: And who'll you be?
Kenan: ME! I'll be me!
- While Kel acts all girly and in front of a mirror, pretending to put on make up and firming his "breasts".
Kenan: Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring! MAN, PICK UP THE SHOE!!
- Kenan didn't hang up well, and the Dawsons' answering machine recorded everything Kenan and Kel said about Mr. Dawson, which is what Roger said.
Kenan: Stop saying my name.
Kel: Why Kenan?
Kenan: I'm sorry! Oh forgive me! Please don't fire my daddy! This isn't even Kenan. This is... [with accent] Fernando. Fernando Monteban. I don't know nobody named Kenan. I... [loses accent] oh! [hangs up]
- "Kenan, I don't wanna go to Alaska! Can we just stay here in America?"
- The scene in "Diamonds Are For Roger" when the duo watch an Unsolved Mysteries-style show that asks viewers for help identifying or locating criminals, tonight featuring a serial jewel thief known only as "the Diamond Bandit":
The show shows security cam footage of the Diamond Bandit's last robberyKel: (amused) Hey, Kenan, the Diamond bandit looks a little like your daddy.The show zooms-in and freeze-frames on a clear shot of the Bandit's faceKel: (slightly weirded out) The Diamond Bandit looks a lot like your daddy...The show shows a sketch artist's drawing of the banditKel: (completely freaking out) THE DIAMOND BANDIT IS YOUR DADDY!!!
- When the clown at Rigby's finishes taking all the money from the register:
Kel: (laughing) Look Kenan! He's running away!
Kenan: (laughing) And with all the money! Yep! A-a-And we're still tied up! (they both stop laughing, long pause)
Kel: He- he's never coming back is he?
Kenan: Umm, no.
Both: "We, we, we, we... WE'VE BEEN ROBBED BY A CLOWN!!!"
Kel: "YOU'LL NEVER MAKE THE CIRCUS, PALEFACE!" *tackles the clown, followed by Kenan, and the rest of the kids at the party*
- "If you can't trust a clown, who can you trust?"
- Kenan and Kel are trying to stop the clown from leaving so the police to arrive. Kenan blocks the front door, and...
- In "Ditch Day Afternoon":
Kenan: Did George Washington quit when his, uh... cherry tree... got kidnapped and taken to uh... New Zealand?
Kel: New Zealand?
Messenger: WHOA! Hostages almost rhymes with sausages!
- The messenger Kenan hired is watching the news about the robbery in Spanish class.
Ms. Kaso: Why are you still here?
White robber: You scare me!
- The robbers can't stand Kenan anymore and decide to give up.
Black robber: Later!
- Roger fainted after learning Kenan and Kel are the "heroes" at the hostage crisis.
- In "Get the Kel Outta Here", Kyra made Kel's head for a school project as a "national treasure".
Sheryl: I think you need therapy. (gives Kyra a hug)
Kenan: What are they teaching you, nasty freak monsters?
Kyra: This head happens to look exactly like Kel!
Kenan: Like I said, what are they teaching you, nasty freak monsters?
(Kenan, Kel, and Sheryl laugh)
Kel: Ha ha ha! YEAH! Ha ha... ha... (stops laughing) Hey, wait a minute... that's about me... with the freak monster...
Roger: Cheryl, I'll see you later!Cheryl: Roger, where are you going?!Roger: AFTER KEL!!! (jumps)
- Later, after banning Kel from the house, Roger looks at Kyra's sculpture of Kel's head (which won a ribbon), repulsed at the sight of it, he drops it in the fish tank.
- The very end of the episode, where Roger is finally driven over the edge by Kel's antics, so when Kel jumps out a second story window to get away from him, Roger jumps after him!
- "Foul Bull" would have the duo looking at the newspaper of them being blamed for Ron Harper's injury.
Kenan: Oh no!Kel: Aw, man!Kenan: Kel, look!Kel: I know! The pope canceled his trip to Acapulco!
Kenan: All of Chicago hates us.
- The part where they tried to keep the remote control for the TV away from Roger is priceless.
- Kel disguises himself as a cowboy. Kenan tells him he looks ridiculous and takes his cowboy hat off, only to see him bald. Kel shaved his head so people wouldn't recognize him. When Kenan pointed out the flaw in that, Kel started to cry.
- Kenan showed Kel the hate mail of them.
Kel: I'll bet we're the most hated kids in Chicago.
Kenan: Oh yeah, it's a magical day.
- The Thanksgiving special. They ruin the first dinner so they ordered two turkeys... but they didn't realize they were LIVE turkeys until they heard the delivery box gobble. Then they buy a FROZEN dinner and realize they can't make it in time to serve it... so they throw the microwave in the oven hoping to speed up the process. The kitchen blows up. In a last ditch effort, they steal Chris' turkey dinner he ordered at a restaurant and... well, eventually everything came crashing down at that point for Kenan and Kel.
- In "Fenced In", Kel points out the irony of their situation:
Kel: Hey, Kenan, it is kinda funny when you think about it! I mean, we made a date with two pretty girls! And all the only thing they care about is us being on time! Wait, here's the funny part, you made a little map and everything! And we left three hours early, and now we're stuck in a fence!
- In "The Raffle":
- Kel thought it was "waffle". Even the delivery man thought so too.
- Kenan wants Kel to explain why he's been gone for so long when he only sold one ticket.
[Kel just stands there]
Kenan: Tell me what happened!
Kenan: Why did you have to use Chris' raffle prize as some kind of a trampoline?!
- This dialogue after Kel broke the TV while getting his orange balloon:
Kel: Well if Chris was raffling off a trampoline in the first place, we wouldn't be in this mess!
Kenan: You're trying to blame this on Chris?
Kel: I'm sorry, I'm just projecting my guilt to an innocent party, you know, in a futile attempt to alleviate my own feelings of responsibilities.
Kenan: (...) What?
Kel: What part didn't you understand?
Kel: So tell me how I'm gonna win the TV. That I don't get to keep.
- When Kenan explains how he's gonna rig the raffling:
Kenan: ... and then, you win the TV!
Kel: Yeah! That I don't get to keep.
- "Grab a seal, some a veal, and the Shaquille O'Neill, and meet me down by the ferris wheel. To be real!"
- Kenan's girly scream: "BEETTYYYYYYYYY!!!"
- "The Chicago Witch Trials"
Sharla: Don't worry, Kenan. She doesn't dislike you... yet.
- This dialogue:
Kenan: Well, if she's with you, she can't be picky. (long pause) Hi, Becky.
Kenan: She's scratching!
- Kel: Which trials?
- Sharla accidentally blew dust on Becky. It made her itchy. Kenan peaked to see her scratching.
Kel: Maybe she got dust blowin' on her.
Kenan: Oh yeah, that's realistic. She's a witch!
Kenan: She smells like fire!
- Then Kenan walked up to her to sniff her, then walks back to the backroom. She smelled the barbecue sauce that was squirted on her.
Kel: Maybe she was on fire.
Kenan: She wasn't on fire! She's a witch!
Kel: (crying) She turned you into a pineapple! I'm sorry I didn't believe you!
- Kel thought Kenan got turned into a pineapple.
Kenan: (came out of another room) Kel, what is it?!
Kel: You can still speak!
[Kenan rolls his eyes and went back into the room.]
- In "To Catch A Thief", Kenan is about to reveal to his (and Marc's) parents that Marc stole his watch, when Marc bursts in and starts yelling "We've been robbed! They broke into our house, they unmade my bed, and got PEANUT BUTTER in my underwear!!!"
Kel: Maybe it was ninjas that took your watch.
- This dialogue:
Kenan: Yes, it makes perfect sense!
Kel: I know, because ninjas are shadow warriors that can sneak up. 'I'm a ninja. I'm a ninja.'
Kenan: STOP THAT! I'm not talking about no ninja! I'm saying that it makes perfect sense that he wouldn't wear the watch he stoled at the place I work.
Kel: So if it wasn't super-rats or ninjas... I give up!
- Kel: "SURPRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIISE!!!"
- Kel: (yelling at Marc) "ALRIGHT, WHERE'S THE WATCH?"
- The policemen in "Attack of the Bug Men".
Kenan: Why won't you feed me, father?
- The Analogy Backfire in "You Dirty Rat".
Kel: Kenan, do we have to kill Wendell?
Kenan: Yes now go to bed.
Kel: Well, what if you were a rat and someone wanted to hurt you?
Kenan: Let's see: I'm not a rat, never been a rat, have no plans to become a rat. So... Good Night, Kel!
Kel: Good night. RAT-HATER!!
- Kel's obsession with the talking pen Kenan received from Chris for his birthday in "Present Tense". He likes it so much he goes out and buys his own, only for Roger to destroy it by throwing it at the wall.
- The entirety of "Housesitter".
(Kenan and Kel come through the kitchen window)
- Kenan tells Kel to get the house keys when they went to buy new plants and stuff to fix the house. Kel looks at it and laughs, closing the door on the way out.
Kel: Man, I can't believe we got locked out of Chris' mama's house! I mean, why does this stuff always happen to us?
Kenan: Well, remember when I said "Kel, grab the keys"?
Kenan: WHY DIDN'T YOU??
Kel: You were serious about that? I thought you were telling a joke.
Kenan: A joke?! Kel, if it was a joke, it would have been funny!
Kel: I don't know, I've heard a couple of your jokes.
(Kenan mocks laughter)
- "I'm Gonna Get You Kenan" has Kel tackling a nun, think she's the Jackhammer. Blasphemy, right?
Kel: Oh, Mr. Jackahamma! The door's open! Oh, it's close! Wait, wait, wait, it's open! No, it's close! Ha-ha-ha-ha! Wanna come out?
- There's also the scene in the police station where he opens and closes the Jackhammer's cell door.
Kel: Has anyone seen Kenan?Kenan: Kel, it's me.Kel: And I'm me.
- Kel doesn't recognize Kenan, who is in disguise with an afro and a mustache.
- When the Jackhammer arrives in Kenan's house and prepares to take his revenge on Kenan, Kenan tries to save himself by offering the former pizza. Jackhammer actually becomes interested and asks if its pepperoni; Kenan meekly says that it isn't and he quickly bolts as Jackhammer chases him around the house.
- "Clothes Encounters"
Kenan: But I'll tell you one thing: if I do go out with her, man, I am not wearing this stupid, ugly, rice pants. You know, for somebody that works in a clothes store, she sure has bad taste in clothing.Kel: Yeah, she got bad taste in perfume, too. She smells like a stinky water buffalo.
- Kenan and Kel volleying insults about Rudy. They didn't notice she heard all that while they're dressing up.
Kel: Hey, Kenan! You hear that? It sounded like somebody ripped their rice pants and fell on the floor.Kenan: Yeah, Kel. That's exactly what it sounded like.Kenan: AW! I'm naked!
- Kenan falls in the fitting room and splits the rice pants he was trying on.
- He then jumps out of the store. He runs back home, stopping midway to use a newspaper to cover himself after getting tired of using his shirt to do so. When he gets back, he forgets about his mom throwing a baby shower and the women all see him in the living room.
- Kel taunting Mad Dog in episode "Girl Watchers":
Kel: I mean, who wanna be your girlfriend?Kenan: Kel! Shh! He doesn't mean that.Kel: Oh yes I do. I mean, look at you. You're big, and ugly, and... tattooed.
- Even though the Two Heads Are Better Than None movie is dark, it still has moments that make you laugh. Examples include the world's biggest ball of string and the headless knight's doorbell ring tune.
Kel: (ominous voice) When the toast flew out of the toaster, no one knew what to put on it. Jam? Marmalade? Cinnamon Sugar? I suggested butter. Mmm...bread crumbs were everywhere...
- Roger suggests the family start telling ghost stories around the campfire. Kel's the first to volunteer:
Kenan: Kel! He said ghost stories, not toast stories!
Bethel: You're not leaving through this door.
- This exchange: