In the episode "Unchained Malady", Tim has been having a string of bad luck which he starts to believe is from his not forwarding a chain letter that he had scoffed at earlier. One of the warnings at the end of the letter was that "a naval officer in Borneo disregarded this letter and three days later he was decapitated". Tim talks to Wilson for reassurance later, and has this exchange with him:
Wilson: Well, personally, Tim, I place no credence in chain letters. Of course, I did have a friend once who didn't return a chain letter, and he disappeared mysteriously.
Al: (seeing Tim pantomiming to him, pretending he can't hear him) Huh. This is actually very good. In that case, I should be the host of this show! Tim: ... (turns to the camera) Al: And another thing—that's a stupid haircut you have! Tim: (raises an eyebrow) Al: And one more thing— I am the very model of a modern Major-General, I've information vegetable, animal, and mineral, I know the kings of England, and I quote the fights historical~~ From Marathon to Waterloo, in order categorical! Tim: Al! Al: Yes? Tim: Can you hear me? (Beat) Al: ...I can hear you! Tim: Think about that, Al... (Al gawks as it slowly dawns on him) Tim: Major-general Borland! (salutes) (Al pulls down the shade on the window of the not-soundproof booth)
Tim: "Jill look at her chest"
Jill: "You just noticed?"
From "The Vasectomy One":
Jill: "Honey, it is much safer for a man to get a vasectomy than it is for a woman to have a tubal ligation"
Tim: "Says who, the wives with knives club?"
At the doctor's office when Tim realizes he will need a "local" shot prior to the surgery.
"Hardware Habit to Break" It's the way Tim says it.
Marty: Then we can get on our bikes and we can plaster them all over the neighborhood.
Tim: Yippee-yai-o-kye-ay, Marty! Yeah! And wait a minute. We'll sell lemonade in the driveway and put cards in our spokes that go like this. With big lollipops. And then we'll have a puppet show for all the rest of the kids in the neighborhood. What the hell's the matter with you?!
One Christmas episode had Tim and Al stuck on a plane that couldn't land due to thick fog. Tim bemoans the fact that he'll miss his boys lighting up the house for Christmas. Meanwhile, on the ground, the boys do light up the house - which nearly blinds Tim as he looks out the window - and the pilot suddenly has a guiding light for a safe landing.
This troper loves the "Tool Time" segements before the credits, 'cause that's where some of the really funny stuff is. For example, Tim creating a "special Al blend" of paint that literally paints a picture of Al. And that time they launched a grill into orbit...
You forgot the pizza AND Marty.
The K&B Boys have come to Tool Time to share some tips for cooking on the job. One of them makes a kabob using a dipstick. The only cleaning done to the dipstick is one sweep of a rag. This makes Al suffer a minor Heroic BSOD as he contemplates what the dipstick has added to the kabob.
Antonio the waiter.
The episode "My Son the Driver", where Tim had Al Unser as his guest...or rather, as his guests, since there are three generations of Al Unsers. Hilarity ensues...
The Man's Kitchen. Everything is in excess to absurd degrees. The "macrowave", the butcher in the freezer, and the beverage lineup: Beer, root beer, and Pepto Bismol. It even ends with a nice little Chekhov's Gag.
Really, all of The Man's (Insert Room) gags are equal parts hilarious and awesome.
In "Taking Jill for Granite," Tim hires "a granite guy" named Ian for a kitchen remodel, but the guy turns out to be someone who asked Jill out on a date and who she had a dream about a few episodes ago. When Ian misinterprets a signal and kisses her, she has to fire him. Tim is upset that she fired "the granite guy" and is even more when he finds out about the kiss.
Tim: He kissed you? Well, what did you do? Jill: I pushed him away! Tim: Well, you should've fired him! Jill: I did fire him! Tim:(beat)Aw, you fired the granite guy?!
When Jill is annoyed that Tim is getting an honorary doctorate based on his celebrity while Jill is actually back in school earning her advanced degree (not to mention Tim being a Smug Snake about it), she goes to Wilson for advice. Then, in a hilarious subversion, Wilson gets even more annoyed than Jill, ranting about how much work he had to suffer to get his degree. Even when he tries to dispense advice that they should be happy for Tim, they both admit it doesn't make any of them feel better.
Wilson: Talk me down, Jill, talk me down!
Tim comes home from Tool Time with a piece of a table glued to his forehead (he really should have listened when Al warned him to be careful with the strong instantly-drying glue).
Jill: You should go to the emergency room.
Tim: I was just there, they said I wasn't a priority.
Jill: Why, was there a guy with a whole table stuck to his head?
One from the outtakes—in an episode where Brad and Randy are having a tougher time getting along than normal, Jill asks Tim to intervene. He tells them to take it outside. She's annoyed, but before he can take a more direct hand to stop them, there's a yelp and we see, through the sliding glass door, Randy being thrown around. In one of the outtakes, Jonathan Taylor Thomas and Zachary Ty Brian found a couple of stage rapiers and duel their way into the shot.
Another great outtake is from the episode where Tim and Al get arrested for scalping tickets. During the scene where he's supposed to be talking to Jill through the bars, Tim orchestrates a sudden jailbreak:
"Hey, guys, I jimmied the lock! Let's get outta here! Get the women! Get the women!"
In a season 8 episode, Brad spends the duration trying to convince Jill to let him go to Florida with his friends on spring break. The episode ends with him telling her that they will be separated by gender, there will be parental supervisors, and nothing fun will happen.
Mark: So why do you want to go?
Brad: (beat, thinks this over) I don't think I do anymore.
Tim's "Suit in a Pouch" from the episode "Feud for Thought". Especially when Tim says his horribly wrinkled suit "just needs to breathe" and Jill says, "It looks like it needs CPR!"
Another one involving clothing — Tim complains that Jill keeps far too many clothes in the closet and says this is "suffocating" his shirts. Just for emphasis, he takes out a shirt and starts giving it CPR and frantically begging it to live.
When Tim and the boys are camping out due to Jill's sisters visiting and Tim's snoring is keeping them up:
Brad: What if we hold his nose shut?
Randy: Then he'll just breathe out his mouth
Brad: What if we hold his nose and mouth shut?
Randy: [beat] I think that's called murder.
The fact that Tim is so accident prone that he knows all the hospital staff by name thanks to how often he winds up there.
Near the beginning of "You're Driving Me Crazy, You're Driving Me Nuts," Tim brags about his wonderful sense of direction, then heads for the garage.