Funny / Home Improvement

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Funny moments in Home Improvement.

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General

• Let's start off this list with every grunt made on the show.
• Anytime Al says "I don't think so Tim" whenever he doesn't agree on something that Tim does.
• The Running Gag of Tim trying to one-up his neighbor, Doc Johnson, when it comes to Christmas decorations.
• Any time Tim mangles one of Wilson's sayings.
• Antonio the waiter who has made a few appearances. Snarky is an understatement when it came to him.
• Every instance of "The Man's (Placeholder)". They're equal parts hilarious and awesome.
• The fact that Tim is so accident prone that he knows all the hospital staff by name thanks to how often he winds up there. He even has a coffee mug with his name on it.
• The "Tool Time" segments before the credits. That's where some of the really funny stuff is. For example, Tim creating a "special Al blend" of paint that literally paints a picture of Al. And that time they launched a grill into orbit using rocket fuel...^note In season 7, episode 1 ("Quest for Fire").

Season One

#01: "Pilot"

• Tim mocking Jill with a campy, feminine voice.

#02: "Mow Better Blues"

• This glorious line.
  Tim: Put your left arm on the tool. (Jill's eyes rove where they shouldn't)
  Jill: The wrench?
  Tim: The wrench.
• Jill's comeback here:
  Tim: In a shop, tape hangs on a hook because it has a hole in it.
  Jill: So does your head, but it's not hanging on a hook.
  

#03: "Off Sides"

• Jill can only get Larry Houdini to babysit the boys while she and Tim go out. She does this by tricking him into thinking he's performing at a birthday party. He has second thoughts when he learns the truth but stays on the job after Jill slips him a $20.
• Larry gets the boys to put him in a straitjacket, chain him up and lock him in a chest for a disappearing act. He then has them put a timer on for 10 seconds, and when it goes off, he sets off an explosion inside the chest. Still inside, he tells the boys to start the timer once more.

#05: "Wild Kingdom"

• Jill tries to calm Tim down after they discover that there's a snake in the house. She offers a cookie that she just took out of the oven and slides it right onto Tim's hands.
  Tim: Hot cookie! Ow! Hot cookie! (drops the cookie)

#06: "Adventures in Fine Dining"

• This exchange:
  Brad: What about live chicken?
  Tim: Live Chicken?! Brad, who the hell do you hang out with?
  Brad: Mommm!
  Jill: What?
  Brad: Dad's cussing.
  Tim: I wasn't cussing!
  Mark: He said a bad word!
  Tim: It wasn't bad.
  Randy: Yeah, he said hell and damn.
  Tim: I did not say damn.
  Randy: Now ya did.
  • Tim's Face Palm at the end really sells it.

#07: "Nothing More Than Feelings"

• Jill tells Tim that the oil light in her car has been on for three days.
  Jill: I thought if there was a problem with the car that the light would get brighter, or there would be a buzzer.
  Tim: A buzzer? It's a car, not a game show!
• Tim invites two husbands onstage to talk about their marital problems. Tim confesses that Jill drools in her sleep, and the three crack jokes about it.
  Al: We only have a few minutes left.
  Tim: Al, we're having an important discussion here.
  Al: About drool, Tim?

#08: "Flying Sauces"

• The K&B Boys have come to Tool Time to share some tips for cooking on the job. One of them makes a kabob using a dipstick. The only cleaning done to the dipstick is one sweep of a rag. This makes Al suffer a minor Heroic BSoD as he contemplates what the dipstick has added to the kabob.
• Following the above scene, Brad and Randy convince little Mark that they and the parents are evil space aliens. Tim and Jill get wind of this, inform Mark that the big brothers are messing with him and hatch a most brilliant scheme to get back at Randy & Brad. It involves stuff like Christmas lights the music of Iron Butterfly. Also doubles as a Moment of Awesome.

#10: "Reach Out and Teach Someone"

• Al asks Tim if he checked the belt sander's trigger switch before plugging it in. Tim says any idiot would know that... and the sander speeds across the table. What sells it is Al simply turning his head to watch the thing go and then mouthing "Wow".

#11: "Look Who's Not Talking"

• Tim having a discussion with his sons about women.
  Mark: I have a woman: Mommy.
  Randy: Your Mommy can't be your woman, doofus.
  Tim: A lot of men pay a psychiatrist a lot of money to figure that one out.
• Tim making his own improvement to the family's vacuum. The "Power Suck" mode is so powerful that Mark has to hold onto a door handle to save himself from getting vacuumed.
• Tim devotes Tool Time's educational segment to telling the men of the house to help out with the housework.
  Tim: There's nothing wrong with a man doing housework. I mean, Al does a lot of the cleaning around here.
  Al: I do all the cleaning, Tim.

#12: "Yule Better Watch Out"

• Randy and Brad get the roles of the innkeeper and a shepherd respectively in the Christmas pageant.
  Brad: I don't have any lines.
  Randy: That's because you blew it, you stooge. (to Jill) He was trying out for one of the wise men, and he said they were carrying gold and Frankenstein!
• Jill decides to play up Randy's act for the pageant. It works too well as Jill's costume is over-the-top, and he throws in some ad-libbing. They demote Randy to playing a sheep.

#13: "Up Your Alley"

• Tim falling for some Schmuck Bait served from Randy.
  Randy: Hey Dad, I heard a good joke today.
  Tim: What was it?
  Randy: Okay, what did the moron have for breakfast?
  Tim: I don't know.
  Randy: This morning you had scrambled eggs and toast!
  • Tim tries this on Jill with predictable results.
    Tim: I got a great joke for you. What did the moron have for breakfast?
    Jill: Today you had cereal and an English muffin.
• Tim gets a gutter ball on his first roll. He does better on his second attempt, barely:
  Tim: You're dead, pin. You're dead. You and your nine scrawny friends too.
  (Tim rolls the ball and knocks one pin down)
  Mark: Yay, Daddy! You did it! You knocked down that one pin!
  Jill: And you left his nine scrawny friends.

#15: "Forever Jung"

• Tim comes home from Tool Time with a piece of a table glued to his forehead (he really should have listened when Al warned him to be careful with the strong instantly-drying glue).
  Jill: You should go to the emergency room.
  Tim: I was just there, they said I wasn't a priority.
  Jill: Why, was there a guy with a whole table stuck to his head?
• Jill tells Randy to set the table.
  Randy: Okay. Dad, bend over.

#18: "Baby, It's Cold Outside"

• Tim goes to look for the car while the family is out camping. They hear what sounds like a wolf howling. Tim confesses that the howling was from him. He couldn't find any leaves, so he had to use a pine cone.

#19: "Unchained Malady"

• Tim has been having a string of bad luck which he starts to believe is from his not forwarding a chain letter that he had scoffed at earlier. One of the warnings at the end of the letter was that "a naval officer in Borneo disregarded this letter and three days later he was decapitated". Tim talks to Wilson for reassurance later, and has this exchange with him:
  Wilson: Well, personally, Tim, I place no credence in chain letters. Of course, I did have a friend once who didn't return a chain letter, and he disappeared mysteriously.
  (Beat)
  Wilson: He was a naval officer in Borneo.
  (Tim looks up at the camera with a shocked expression)
• George Foreman appears as himself on Tool Time. Tim asks him what he'd like to build.
  George: How about a sandwich?
  Tim: Actually, we were gonna build a staircase.
  George: I never eat a staircase!
  • Later in the show, George recounts his experience trying to eat 16 plates of fried shrimp. He only made it through 13 plates. Before he could get to the 14th, he declared himself TKO: "Totally Keeled Over!"
• Jill isn't familiar with boxing, so Tim demonstrates with her. They both put up their fists, and Tim instructs her to punch him. Mark, who was trying to blow a bubble out of bubble gum before, calls out that he blew a bubble. Tim looks over and puts his hands down... just as Jill connects with a right hook, giving Tim a black eye.
• After Tim fixes a hair dryer:
  Tim: It doesn't take a genius to fix a hair dryer!
  Jill: That's why we asked you!

#20: "Birds of a Feather Flock to Taylor"

• Two guys (played by Ernest Borgine and Jack Elam) tell Al to salute. When he does, the audience cheers for him and chants Al repeatedly.
  Tim: Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey hey hey hey hey. I don't want to disturb this lovefest you have going on here but let me remind you of something. Al is my assistant, he assists me!

#22: "Luck Be a Taylor Tonight"

• "Guess which one of us at this table's not married? Boom." (Guys point at Al.)
  • Later on, Mark looks at Tim's cards and says "3 kings" and makes the guys fold.
  • Al thinks he's won a hand with a flush. Tim has to explain that a flush is five cards in the same suit, not the same color.

#24: "Stereo-Typical"

• A woman named Janeen can play music with a saw. She asks for requests and Al wants one from his favorite movie.
  Tim: Do you know the theme to Dumbo?
  Al: Tim, that's my favorite movie about an elephant.
  • Al then requests the song Greensleeves much to Tim's dismay. While Janeen plays Greensleeves, Al starts to get emotional and then breaks down sobbing and leaves the set.
• The new entertainment system Tim buys is activated by clapping. While Tim hooks up a speaker, Jill calls Mark down and claps twice. Tim gets a blare of rock music in his ears.

Season Two

#01: "Read My Hips"

• Tim doesn't come home from the bar in 15 minutes, as he promised to Jill.
  Jill: I wanted to be more subtle. What did you expect me to say: "The kids are gone, I'm home alone, come and take me big daddy"?
  Tim: Now that I understand.
• Tim disguises himself as "Fred", a repairman. He takes apart the family's phone to use as an allegory for signals between his wife and Jill. After he puts it back together, the phone rings with a higher pitch and starts smoking. Tim and Jill look over in wonder.

#02: "Rites and Wrongs of Passage"

• Brad gets in trouble when he steals a frog about to be dissected and hides it in cafeteria food. Jill wants him barred from going to the monster truck rally, but Tim lets him off easy.
  Jill: Thanks for making me look bad.
  Tim: What?
  Jill: "Your mother and I need to talk"? That means, "My pal, the greatest dad on earth, wants me to go the truck rally, but Ilse, the wicked she-mother, doesn't." You do this to me all the time!
  Tim: Oh, come on, Ilse.
• A police officer brings Brad home after catching him throwing bricks at an abandoned greenhouse. Tim and Jill ground him and forbid him to go to the monster truck rally.
  Mark: Can I bring Billy?
  Randy: Oh, shut up! (pulls Mark away)
• Tim has a kilt on for a festival he's going to. While trying to have a serious discussion with Wilson, he spends half the time figuring out how to sit properly in the damn thing.
  • Earlier on Tool Time, Tim gets a couple of good zingers on Al.
    Al: Actually Tim, lots of masculine men wear skirts.
    Tim: I bet they all find you very attractive, Al.
    
    Tim: When you work like a man, it's also important to learn to play like a man. After all, all work and no play makes you just like Al.
  • Jill's accidental double entendre while she is admiring how Tim looks in the kilt.
    Jill: I just wish it were shorter.
    (Tim and Jill look at each other)
    Tim and Jill: The kilt!
  • Randy says this when he sees Tim in the kilt.
    Randy: Hi, Mom! Where's Dad?
• Tim and Brad make up with the former showing the latter how to use tools properly.
  Brad: Do I get to use the blowtorch?
  Tim: Yeah, right. And then we can wait outside for the fire department to show up.
  Brad: Well, it's not like they haven't been here before.
• Tim volunteers for the caber toss competition at the festival. He foregoes the women-sized caber in favor of a normal-sized one. While struggling to carry it around, he accidentally pushes it through the windows of Al's souped up station wagon.
• The blooper during the credits has Tim Allen flashing Patricia Richardson.

#03: "Overactive Glance"

• Randy can't hold onto a football, so Tim decides to help him out with glue. He demonstrates by applying glue to his hands, and he winds up sticking them together.
• Tim chokes on a piece of bread. Everyone in the restaurant mistakes it for grunting.
• At the end of the episode, Tim sets up an obstacle course with dummies. Brad operates switches that make three of them spin and a fourth come out to tackle him. He activates the fourth switch which pushes Tim through the fence and into Wilson's backyard.
  • An alternate take is played during the credits where the fence does not give after Tim bumps into it. Tim falls to the ground laughing.

#04: "Groin Pains"

• Tim pulls his groin, and Mark notices.
  Mark: What happened?
  Tim: I pulled my groin.
  Mark: What's that?
  Tim: My very favorite muscle.
• Mark offers to tell Jill, but Tim stops him.
  Mark: How do you know if you have regular pain or man pain?
  Tim: If you do something stupid it's probably man pain.
• Tim tells Al about his groin injury backstage. After one wisecrack too many, Al throws a bag of cement in Tim's direction. Tim catches it and falls to the floor in pain.
• In the B-plot, Randy plays Peter Pan in the school play. Tim constructs a pulley system so Randy can fly in the theater. He recruits the boys into testing it outside so he can talk to Jill through her window.
  • The boys are more interested in when the ice cream truck is coming on their block.
    Mark: Dad, is the ice cream truck coming soon?
    Tim: Would you forget about the ice cream truck for a minute!?
  • When the boys get him airborne, Tim feels the pressure around his already injured groin.
    Tim: Ogh! No wonder men don't play this part! (starts spinning around) Guys, hold it! I don't have it rigged right. Oh, no! Oh! Oh! Stop, please!
    Randy: Come on, Dad, think happy thoughts.
    Tim: You're married. You're out of the house.
  • This exchange when Jill notices.
    Tim: Come on, guys. Fly me up so I can see my peahen.
    Randy: Mom! Dad called you a pea-brain! (laughs)
    Tim: That's not what I said!
  • Jill warns Tim that he'd better get down before he hurts himself. Tim shows off with the boys' help, but the ice cream truck comes. The boys promptly abandon Tim who falls.

#05: "Heavy Meddle"

• Al coming to Tim's gathering in a cowboy outfit.
• Tim's friend Bob comes over with his pregnant wife Leslie.
  Al: Well, right now, Tim and Hank are explaining to Bob just what it feels like to be pregnant.
  Wanda: Oh yeah, right. The day one of those He-Men goes to the john and shoots a 9 pound ham out of his butt, then he can talk!
• The B-plot has Brad, Randy and Mark trying to exact revenge on the McGurns
  Tim: What did I tell you about water balloons?
  Mark: Fill 'em up real full so they bust on contact?
  Tim: That's right!
• The boys never get the chance to throw their water balloon, so they give it to Tim. Jill makes her way outside, and the boys disperse, leaving Tim to hide it in his shirt. Tim doesn't do such a good job hiding it, so when Jill leans in to kiss, she slaps his stomach which pops the balloon.

#06: "The Haunting of Taylor House"

• Jill's costume is a carrot. It was all they had left after they lost her reservation. Unfortunately, one of the kids invited to the Halloween party is dressed as a rabbit.
  Tim: Hey, I don't like the way you're looking at Ms. Carrot!
• Curtis from "What About Bob?" shows up to the party, dressed as an atom.
  Curtis: Mrs. Taylor, that's a great costume.
  Jill: Thank you, Curtis.
  Curtis: You can't even see how fat you are.
  (Beat)
  Jill: What are you supposed to be, Curtis?
  Curtis: I'm an atom.
  Jill: Then why don't you split?
• Jennifer shows up to the party dressed in leather, instead of Raggedy Ann to Brad's Raggedy Andy. Brad and her new boyfriend Danny have a scuffle. Tim catches them, and Brad storms off to his room.
  Curtis: Mrs. Taylor, why did Brad leave?
  Jill: Well, I don't know. I suppose he's just embarrassed about his costume.
  Curtis: Oh. When are you gonna leave?
• The haunted basement scene.
  • Mark puts on the mask that Tim previously wore at the studio. All the kids except Danny are fooled.
    Danny: That's just Brad's dumb little brother.
    Mark: It is not me!
  • Tim dresses as Nana-Stein, a creepy old woman. He chases the kids, sans Danny, upstairs and hits his head on the low pipe on the way down.
  • Danny complains about the lack of scariness.
    Danny: This is pathetic. You're are in a dress, your son's a doll and your wife is a radish.
    Jill: Hey! I'm a carrot! Learn your vegetables.
  • Danny gets in a couple of good one-liners, calling Tim's show Fool Time and sarcastically asking if a wrench is going to pop out of the tool chest to say "Boo!"
  • What finally manages to scare Danny. He lifts a bucket to see Al's head poking out of the toolbox dressed as a vampire with Randy pretending to be his body. Soon after, Wilson dressed as The Invisible Man grabs him. Once Danny breaks free, he scurries up the stairs. Doubles as a moment of awesome.

#07: "Roomie for Improvement"

• Tim and Al's Mistaken for Gay moment. The look on the face of the woman standing next to Tim really sells it.
• Tim's wisecracks about the hotel he stayed in after he declines staying in Al's apartment.
  Tim: It was so small the mice were hunchback. It was so small that when I put my key through the door it went out the window. It was so small all you could order was condensed milk. I had a folding toothbrush. It was so small there was no room for complaint.

#08: "May the Best Man Win"

• Tim blows off safety concerns from Maureen and Al to start a home renovation episode of Tool Time on a roof. While stepping around for a safe segment, he jumps and falls through the roof.
  • When asked about what happened afterward, Tim says he was thankful that the basement stopped his fall.

#09: "Where There's a Will, There's a Way"

• The Binford 8200 chainsaw.
• Brad and Randy set up a makeshift seesaw which they use to launch a toy Godzilla. They see Mark coming outside and decide to launch him into the air. They are stopped just in time when Jill calls Mark inside. She orders Brad and Randy to stay right where they are... hanging from the tree they were using to drop onto the seesaw.
  • After that, this exchange between Jill and Mark.
    Mark: But Mom, they were gonna play with me.
    Jill: Mark, when Brad and Randy say they want to play with you, always ask yourself, "What do they want to do to me?"

#10: "Let's Did Lunch"

• Tim and Jill's friend Karen zinging one another:
  Karen: Nice legs Chicken Little.
  Tim: Thanks Mouth Big.
• One Tool Time segment revolves around Al's ability to identify wood by smelling it. After two correct guesses, Tim decides to throw him off by quietly (since Al is blindfolded at the time) removing a sock and placing it on the next beam of wood before giving it to Al. The hilarity (and cringing) begins when Al takes a big whiff of the sock. It ends when Al is so disgusted by the sock that he tosses the beam to one side. Onto Tim's bare foot.
  • And, before then, when trying to sniff beyond the sock:
  Al: ...This particular piece appears to have some type of a fungus!
  (cue Tim giving the audience an indignant look before glancing down at his foot)
• In the B-plot, Mark comes home covered with mud thrown by the McGurns. Brad and Randy aim to get back at them with a catapult. After Brad suggests launching something that stinks, he and Randy look at Mark.
  Mark: I don't stink!
  • The boys settle on catapulting garbage, and the catapult is a success. They run away, and Tim later stumbles on it while chasing Jill outside the house. Unbeknownst to Tim, the McGurns have a catapult of their own and send garbage raining down on Tim.

#11: "Abandoned Family"

• Al gives a life tip where you can use a potato to safely remove a broken light bulb from a socket. He doesn't mention that the lamp needs to be unplugged until Tim gets zapped putting the potato on the bulb.
• Tim hooks bottles of laundry detergent, bleach and fabric softener up to the washing machine so that he'll have more time for other chores.
  Jill: What did you do to my washer? Why is it on life support?
• Tim attaches an electric motor intending for it to spin faster. It does, but it makes the dryer itself rotates on the floor. Tim and Jill go in the garage to see Randy riding on top of it. Randy gets off so Tim can stop it manually, but that doesn't work. Jill has to unplugs the dryer which finally turns it off.
  Randy: Wow! Cool! I have friends who'd pay good money to ride this.
  Jill: Out!
  Randy: Aw, man! Everybody gets to make money, except for me.

#12: "I'm Scheming of a White Christmas"

• Tim rigs the house with so many lights that the entire neighborhood complains about the blinding light (and cheers when he temporarily turns them off).
  • In the same scene, the boys complain about the heat the lights are throwing off:
    Randy: It's really hot out there. I don't know if all that the straw around the baby Jesus is such a great idea.
    Tim: He's the son of God! He'll be fine!
  • Later, Tim can't find his 17-foot Frosty the Snowman decoration, and accuses Doc of stealing it. Jill produces a melted lump of plastic.
    Jill: Does this look familiar?
    Tim: (incredulous) Frosty?
    Jill: He had a power surge and suffered a meltdown.
• Tim messes with the Blue Screen during a Tool Time promo, causing a fighter jet, an old Cowboys and Indians movie, and Hawaii to appear behind them.
  • Al gets stuck in a chimney later in the episode, and Tim has to cut him out with a chainsaw. Before this, Tim:
    Tim: Hey, Santa? Shut up!
• Jill puts a box of glass ornaments on a chair which Tim accidentally sits on.
  Jill: Just stop bouncing around. You're gonna get glass all around the floor.
  Tim: Well, thanks for your concern.

#13: "Bell Bottom Blues"

• Tim struggles to pull a shirt out of the closet. When Jill walks inside the bedroom, he complains that she keeps far too many clothes in the closet and says it's "suffocating" his shirts. Just for emphasis, he takes out a shirt and starts giving it CPR and frantically begging it to live.
• Tim and Al talking about their toolboxes on Tool Time. Al's is bigger than Tim's, which the latter believes is to compensate for the former's "teensy-weensy paycheck". Turns out it also doubles as a first aid kit for Tim, as it contains bandages, ice packs, a tourniquet, crutches and an IV.
• Tim walks out of the garage with a sledgehammer which Jill wrestles away from him.
  Jill: Tim, what are you doing?
  Tim: I was gonna reorganize the closet.
  Jim: No. With a sledgehammer? I don't think so.
• Tim succeeds in improving the closet, giving it state-of-the-art technology. At one point, Jill says she's still waiting for an explosion.

#14: "Howard's End"

• Tim and Jill come back from grocery shopping.
  Jill: You were going 35 miles an hour.
  Tim: Whoa! Since when is 35 going fast?
  Jill: Over speed bumps?
  Tim: Let me ask you a question. Did your head hit the roof?
  Jill: No.
  Tim: Then I could have gone faster.
• Jill asks Tim to buy her an oil pan. He comes back with a box full of auto parts, among them shock absorbers.
  Tim: They use these in all the off-the-road competitions.
  Jill: Tim, I don't intend to drive my car off the road.
  Tim: Well, you can now.
• Brad accidentally kills Jennifer's fish Howard by keeping it too close to a lamp.
  Brad: Just take him out and see if he flops around.
  Randy: No way. The only slimy thing I touch is you.
  (Brad glares briefly at Randy before taking Howard out of the bowl and putting it on the counter)
  Randy: (slams table while counting) 1! 2! 3! He's fried!
• Mark helping Tim tweak the station wagon. Tim claims that because he paid for and is restoring the wagon, it should be his car. Jill overhears this and claims "Is that so?" which makes Tim hit his head underneath the car. Jill has Tim dig himself deeper by sarcastically asking that because he pays for and maintains the house, that should be his, too. Tim says, "Technically," but adds that at least he doesn't charge rent. Jill throws a basket of laundry in his face.
• Jill throwing a couple of coasters she received as a wedding present at Tim.
  Tim: Good thing she didn't send us bowling balls.
• Tim has powered up the sander being featured on Tool Time. A few seconds after he turns it on, it rips through the demonstration board he's using.
  Tim: (in between bouts of coughing) On first glance, it might seem like I screwed up. But I have actually done this to prove an important point.
  Al: That you know absolutely nothing about sanders?
• At the end of the segment.
  Tim: On the job-site, there's no difference between Al's tools and my tools.
  Al: Actually Tim, there is. At the end of a job... (Al flips the switch to Tim's sander, but it won't turn on) my tools still work.

#15: "Love is a Many Splintered Thing"

• The boys cook breakfast for Tim and Jill, but Tim suspects that his plate is booby trapped. He distracts his family and switches the plates. Unfortunately for him, Jill gets a nice breakfast and he gets a bunch of balloons in his face.
  • Prior to that:
    Randy: Did you look this bad when you met?
    Tim: Your mom did.
• Randy gets a spot in the school's talent show as a ventriloquist.
  Jill: You're gonna look so cute holding a dummy.
  Brad: He finally gets to work with somebody his own size.
  Randy: Yeah, and somebody with your IQ!
• Jill with the help of some friends comes up with a test for the way husbands treat their wives. Tim decides turnabout is fair play, so he creates a quiz called "Is your life more rife with strife because of your wife?" This makes Jill crack up.
• Tim talking to Wilson about Randy's ventriloquist act.
  Randy: Oh, I have always been a big fan of ventriloquism: a noble art of the Latin words "venter" and "loqui", meaning "to speak from the belly".
  Tim: I do that after eating Mexican food.

#16: "Dances with Tools"

• The boys prank Tim by tying his shoes together and tricking him into hitting himself with whipped cream. Jill walks in while Tim tries to chase after them.
  Jill: Aw, honey, not now. Can't we wait till after dinner?
  • Jill ostensibly agrees to help Tim, but instead she takes his picture.
• Mark reads from a joke book.
  Mark: What is green, has eight legs and liver spots?
  Tim: I don't know, but I, I think I married her!
  Jill: With all eight legs kicking and screaming!
• Tim decides to treat Jill to ballroom dancing lessons for their anniversary. Brad says that Tim can't dance, and Tim starts disco dancing. Brad rolls his eyes.
• The ballroom dancing instructor demonstrates a dance with Tim. His line sends the extras into a corpsing fit.
  Instructor: We're in New York.
  Tim: Gimme your wallet.
• Tim spins the instructor with so much force that she stumbles into the next room over and crashes into a piano.
  Tim: Call 911.
• The boys trying the same prank on Al, but he's one step ahead of him. He pretends to sleep and slaps whipped cream in all three of their faces.
  Al: Now you thought you can get me, huh?
  Brad: I can't believe it. This worked great on Dad.
  Al: I know, he told me.
• Tim gets an award for safety from the Village Association. The representative, Jerry, gives his reasoning.
  Jerry: Your clever staging of realistic looking accidents clearly shows viewers what not to do.
• Tim trying to zing Wilson with a tongue twister.
  Tim: How much wood could a Wilson chop if a Wilson could chop wood?
  Wilson: He could cut a quarter of a quarter conifer if you gave him a quarter for every quarter cut.
  Tim: You're good.

#17: "You're Driving Me Crazy, You're Driving Me Nuts"

• Near the beginning, Tim brags about his wonderful sense of direction, then heads for the garage.
  Jill: Tim? The car's out front.

#18: "Bye Bye Birdie"

• In the Cold Open, Tim and Jill are awakened by a woodpecker outside of their house. Tim tries to deter it with Jill's bathrobe, but he tears the gutter down. He then goes to get a broom but leaves the window open. Jill closes the window and tries to go back to sleep. Tim comes back with a broom and, not noticing the window is closed, pushes the handle through it, breaking the pane.
• Tim sets up a blaster to get rid of the woodpecker. He makes the house shake and books fall off the walls. When he thinks it worked, he says that the woodpecker checked into the Walter Lantz clinic.
• Tim's attempt to scare the woodpecker with a wooden owl. It doesn't work, as the owl comes out pecked almost completely on one side.
• Tim later tries to chase away the woodpecker with Mark's shark helicopter. Before he goes outside, Jill wonders if she should call the hospital and ask if they're serving a soup he likes.
  • The shark helicopter makes Tim its target, chasing him around the backyard and stalking him after he goes back in the house.

#20: "Shooting Three to Make Tutu"

• Jill leaving Brad and Randy home alone.
  Jill: Now, Wilson is gonna be next door the whole time if you need anything, and here are the emergency numbers right here.
  Randy: We know, we know. We call them all the time for Dad.
• Tim's ballet, aka "The Peasants Rejoice".

#21: "Much Ado About Nana"

• Tim gets sick of losing his speedway races at Brad's party, so he connects the DustBuster's motor to his car. The car goes so fast that it flies off the track and breaks a window.

#25: "The Great Race"

• Tool Time holds a contest where viewers vote for their favorite celebrity guest thus far. Tim rigs the contest against Bob Vila's favor by erasing his name from the list. To his chagrin, Bob Vila wins because enough people voted for him as a write-in.
  • Tim claims that thousands of people sent in postcards. The final tally, as counted by Lisa, was 112.
• Jill and Karen trade one-liner after one-liner after Tim comes home that day.
  Jill: (to Karen) He's always in a snit when Bob Vila's on the show.
  Karen: Isn't he the guy that has that national tool show that Tim ripped off?
  Tim: Don't start, Karen, please. All I've heard all week long is "Bob Vila this, Bob Vila that". What does Bob Vila have that I don't have?
  Karen: High ratings?
  Jill: Fans?
  Karen: A big salary?
  Tim: Are you through?
  Jill: Aw, Pookie, we were just kidding. Remember, you have something to be proud of that Bob Vila does not have.
  Tim: Oh yeah, what?
  Jill: Al.

Season Three

#02: "Aisle See You in My Dreams"

• Randy and Brad trick Mark into thinking that Isiah Thomas is coming to visit by forging a letter. Jill in turn has Mark forge a letter from Isiah, promising tickets to a basketball game with locker room access and a game-used autographed ball. Randy and Brad fall for this, so Jill starts grilling them.
  Jill: Did you guys write this?
  Tim: Yeah?
  Brad: No! I-I swear!
  Randy: Really, Mom! We didn't!
  Brad: Yeah, we wrote the other one! (Randy elbows Brad)
  • After that, Jill rips up Mark's fake letter to the protests of Randy, Brad and Tim who's playing along.
• The ending, where Isiah Thomas starts writing a letter to Mark in response to the 25 he's already received.

#05: "Arrivederci, Binford"

• Tim pays tribute to John Binford by setting up a 21 nail-gun salute. Goes about as well as you'd expect.

#10: "A Frozen Moment"

• When introducing The Man's Bathroom:
  Tim: Al, what's the first thing you do when you get up?
  Al: I say to myself "Oh boy, another wonderful day of working side-by-side with Tim!"
  Tim: OK, what's the second thing you do, Al?
  Al: I consider calling in sick. (His pleased smirk and Tim's false smile and laugh seal the deal)

#11: "Feud for Thought"

• Tim's "Suit in a Pouch". Especially when Tim says his horribly wrinkled suit "just needs to breathe" and Jill says, "It looks like it needs CPR!"

#14: "Dream On"

• The boys playing Scrabble. Brad builds off Randy's word "melon" to get this:
  Randy: "Melonology"?
  Brad: The study of melons.
  Mark: There is no such thing as melonology.
  Brad: Yeah, there is! Call the produce department at the grocery store, and find out.
  Randy: Who should I ask for, the melonologist?
  • Jill and Tim later have a discussion of their own about melonology. Jill doesn't think it's a word either, only for Tim to say it's the study of guys named Mel.

#15: "Reel Men"

• The episode is full of funny moments, with Tim falling into the lake when he tries to make the hole bigger, then having to wear Al's spare clothes that are far too big on him, then burning down his friend's ice fishing shack.
  Jill: Did you burn down Marv's shanty?!
  Tim: What is with you? I walk through the door, and you immediately accuse me of burning it down. Why? Why? Why?
  Jill: Tim.
  Tim: (hangs his head) Down the ground. Right down to the ground...ashes...

#16: "The Colonel"

• There's a Running Gag throughout the episode referencing a tacky green suit Tim has, ending with a good solid Chekhov's Gag.
  Tim: It wasn't green, it was avocado, almost melon!

#17: "Room for Change"

• "What Al doesn't know is that this really isn't a soundproof booth."
  Al: (seeing Tim pantomiming to him, pretending he can't hear him) Huh. This is actually very good. In that case, I should be the host of this show!
  Tim: ... (mouths "oh yeah" to the camera)
  Al: And another thing—that's a stupid haircut you have!
  Tim: (raises an eyebrow)
  Al: And one more thing— I am the very model of a modern Major-General, I've information vegetable, animal, and mineral, I know the kings of England, and I quote the fights historical~~ From Marathon to Waterloo, in order categorical!
  Tim: Al!
  Al: Yes?
  Tim: Can you hear me?
  (Beat)
  Al: ...I can hear you!
  Tim: Think about that, Al...
  (Al gawks as it slowly dawns on him)
  Tim: Major-general Borland! (salutes)
  (Al pulls down the shade on the window of the not-soundproof booth)

#19: "Too Many Cooks"

• Al gets an opportunity to fill in as host of a cooking show, and has Tim on as his assistant. The role reversal is pretty funny as Tim, having decent rudimentary cooking skills due to Jill's Lethal Chef tendencies, and, a little sour at being an assistant, worked as the serious sidekick who did all the work, and Al, his head swelled up as the host, filled Tim's usual role as the charismatic purveyor of disaster.
  • And how to forget the: "Hey, you want a booger cookie?".

#21: "Fifth Anniversary"

• The Man's Kitchen. Everything is in excess to absurd degrees. The "macrowave", the butcher in the freezer, and the beverage lineup: Beer, root beer, and Pepto Bismol. The Call-Back at the end is priceless.

• A bit of Cringe Comedy in one segment: Tim and Al's very first, very awkward, ''Tool Time.''
  (Tim readies giant sledgehammer)
  Tim: Al, would you hold the stake while I drive her in?
  Al: I'd be pleased to, Tim. (to audience) With an expert like Tim, I know I'm in good hands!
  • The fact that Tim started with a beard and Al didn't. A beardless Richard Karn caused the audience to lose it.

• "If your drill says 'Binford'...GET OUT OF THE HOUSE, TOOLS AREN'T SUPPOSED TO TALK TO YA!"

Season Four

#04: "The Eyes Don't Have It"

• The episode opens with the boys trying to secretly open a letter from Mark's teacher before Tim and Jill see it:
  Mark: But I didn't do anything.
  Randy: Yeah right, Mark. Teachers always send home notes like that. "Dear Mr. and Mrs. Taylor, Mark didn't do anything. Just wanted to try the new pen."

#06: "Borland Ambition"

• Al becomes part owner of Harry's Hardware. He puts up a "No Free Coffee" sign to deter "freeloaders", causing Benny (who is currently enjoying a cup of coffee without buying anything) to complain, as he now has to pay for his coffee. He asks to borrow money from Harry, who gives it to Benny, who gives it to Al, who gives it back to Harry, who puts it right back into the cash register.

#07: "Let's Go to the Videotape"

• Tim and Al are building a rocking chair, and demonstrating how to carve the legs with a lathe, which Al is using. Tim then drops some info about safety around a device that spins (in this case) a piece of wood at hundreds of RPMs, saying that it can be a major safety hazard; this was why he specifically was not wearing a tie. Which is all fine and good, until...
  Tim: ...and no loose clothing! (his entire shirt gets snatched off at once with a loud FWIP, and is spun around the leg of the chair)

#11: "Some Like It Hot Rod"

• Jill is horrified when she realizes after a major snowstorm that she left Tim's beloved classic car outside with its hood down. She brings it to the garage, staring in shock at how the car is covered inside and out by snow and Tim is going to be outraged. When she wonders how this could happen, Brad brings down the house with his reply.
  Brad: They say when married people have been together long enough, they start acting like each other.

• This gem.
  Jill: Remember what Freud said, 'there are no accidents'.
  Wilson: With all due respect to Freud, I don't think he ever watched Tool Time.

#12: "Twas the Night Before Chaos"

• Tim convincing Jill's dad (a retired Army colonel) to help him beat Doc Johnson in the lighting contest.
  Fred: I have no interest in your battle with an 80-year-old proctologist.
  Tim: Yeah, you're right. Guy's probably going to win anyway. You know how tough those old Navy guys are...
  Fred: Did you say Navy?
• Later in the episode, Fred telling Lillian (Jill's mom) that they're going to "surprise the hell out of that Navy butt doctor".
• When Jill's parents are having a heartwarming moment and her father is promising to take his wife on a trip to Italy and Venice like she always wanted, his Interservice Rivalry kicks up when he finds out a gondola is a boat.
  Fred: Well, we could see the sights, eat some pasta, go on a gondola ride.
  Lillian: I thought you hated boats.
  Fred: [Beat] A gondola's a boat?

#21: "No, No, Godot"

• The episode revolves around Tim and Al being arrested for scalping tickets, and there's a great moment in the outtakes — during the scene where he's supposed to be talking to Jill through the bars, Tim orchestrates a sudden jailbreak:

  "Hey, guys, I jimmied the lock! Let's get outta here! Get the women! Get the women!"

Season Five

#10: "Doctor in the House"

• When Jill is annoyed that Tim is getting an honorary doctorate based on his celebrity while Jill is actually back in school earning her advanced degree (not to mention Tim being a Smug Snake about it), she goes to Wilson for advice. Then, in a hilarious subversion, Wilson gets even more annoyed than Jill, ranting about how much work he had to suffer to get his degree. Even when he tries to dispense advice that they should be happy for Tim, they both admit it doesn't make any of them feel better.
  Wilson: Talk me down, Jill, talk me down!

#12: "Twas the Flight Before Christmas"

• Tim and Al are stuck on a plane that can't land due to thick fog. Tim bemoans the fact that he'll miss his boys lighting up the house for Christmas. Meanwhile, on the ground, the boys do light up the house — which nearly blinds Tim as he looks out the window — and the pilot suddenly has a guiding light for a safe landing.

#16: "The Vasectomy One"

• This exchange:
  Jill: Honey, it is much safer for a man to get a vasectomy than it is for a woman to have a tubal ligation.
  Tim: Says who, the wives with knives club?
  • At the doctor's office when Tim realizes he will need a "local" shot prior to the surgery.
  Tim: Local, like here in Detroit?
  Doctor: No, like 'local' here in your scrotum.
  (audience groans in sympathy)
  Doctor: That does sting for a few seconds—
  Tim: YA THINK?!
  • Later:
  Tim: How am I supposed to talk to woman about what's going on in man land?
  Jill: "Man land"? Now you have a theme park between your legs?

#25: "Alarmed by Burglars"

• Wilson gets robbed, so Tim decides to buy a security system. For once, he decides to not go overboard and just buys a routine system (much to the surprise of everyone at the hardware store). When Tim gets home and says he did what she would've done, Jill (terrified by what happened at Wilson's) yells at him for bringing home a stripped down toy.
  Tim: [in complete shock] You want something bigger?
  Jill: Yes, yes! I want something much, MUCH bigger!
  Tim: [looking around] Am I in the right house?
• Early in the episode, Tim installs an industrial-strength ventilation system over the kitchen stove, resulting in the spaghetti Jill was making get sucked up the vent. Funny enough on its own, but it leads to a great Brick Joke when Wilson presents Tim and Jill with a petition from the neighbors to take down their loud alarm system:
  Tim: Joe Paduro? The guy lives, like, four blocks away.
  Wilson: Well, I think he's still angry about being hit by the spaghetti.

Season Six

#08: "Jill and Her Sisters"

• When Tim and the boys are camping out due to Jill's sisters visiting and Tim's snoring is keeping them up:
  Brad: What if we hold his nose shut?
  Randy: Then he'll just breathe out his mouth
  Brad: What if we hold his nose and mouth shut?
  Randy: (beat) I think that's called murder.

#09: "The Tool Man Delivers"

• In the alternate ending during the credits, Tim gets a cigar on the house and wants to light it. The store owner advises him against it because he's lighting a match in a store full of gallons of gasoline. Tim being the arrogant guy he is, insists he smokes wherever he wants to smoke strikes a match. Cue a big explosion with Tim flying upwards off the roof and into the water. It's even funnier when you realize they used footage from Darkman for the explosion.
  Tim: Now that's refreshing!!!!

#14: "The Karate Kid Returns"

• When The Beach Boys guest star, Tim says he was a big fan and asks them to play some of their biggest hits, like "Little Old G.T.O.", "Little Old Lady From Pasadena", and "Hey Little Cobra".

#20: "My Son, the Driver"

• Tim has Al Unser as his guest... or rather, as his guests, since there are three generations of Al Unsers. Hilarity (and a Who's on First? routine) ensues.

Season Seven

#02: "Clash of the Taylors"

• A woman complaining about Binford's pollution during an episode of Tool Time.
  Woman: How come every time I drive by the factory there's all this smoke coming out of the stacks?
  (Beat)
  Tim and Al: (simultaneously) THEY'RE SMOKESTACKS!!!!!
  Tim: What do you want coming out of 'em? Hai Karate? Some kinda whipped cream? What!?

#03: "Room at the Top"

• Tim tries to grow a beard. It doesn't really pan out, but makes for some snark fodder:
  Al: And then we'll convert that stuff on your face into an actual beard.
  Tim: Gee, Al. Not everyone can grow a beard as fast as your mom.
  • And during the credits scene, Tim finally shaves it off for Jill. Including HIS ENTIRE HEAD. Thankfully, it's just a prank.

#06: "The Niece"

• After Tim tells Wilson about how the latter's niece feels like he's smothering her and the niece asks Tim if he said something:
  Tim: I didn't mean to. He was... he was fiddling with his codpiece and it just popped out.
  • The WTF look on her face after he says this really makes it.

#09: "Thanksgiving"

• Rodney Dangerfield guest-stars. While he did his usual shtick the first time he's on-screen, the second time, he's a guest star on "Tool Time" and is in no mood for doing his stand-up.
  Rodney: What are we working on today, boys?
  Tim: We're gonna refinish this frame for a husky picture Al's got. Speaking of husky, I understand you were a husky kid. How husky were you?
  Rodney: I'm not here to do jokes. I'm here to help Al with a project.
  Tim: I hear that you were poor and lived in the projects. How poor were you?
  Rodney: None of your business. What kind of wood are we using in this frame?
  Al: Distressed maple.
  Tim: Speaking of distressed, I understand your wife is annoying. How annoying is she?
  Rodney: Not as annoying as you. How do you work with this guy, huh?
  Al: It's tough.

#16: "What a Drag"

• The episode has a lot of great funny moments despite being a Very Special Episode:
  Al: What's this? Looks like oregano. Does Jill keep it out here so it stays fresh?
  Tim: That's not oregano.
  Al: Tarragon?
  Tim: This is marijuana.
  Al: Jill cooks with marijuana?
  Tim: No you idiot, somebody's hiding this out here.
  Al: Oh I can't believe I touched this bag! Now my prints are all over it!
  Tim: Hey hey, calm down.
  Al: You know this makes me an accessory. I could be charged with possession of illicit drugs!
  Tim: Al, think for a minute. You found marijuana on my property. What does that tell you?
  Al: I can no longer run for political office!
  • Later:
  Jill: Do you remember when the worst problem we had with Brad was toilet training?
  Tim: Makes sense. Couldn't get him on the pot; now we're trying to get him off the pot.

#17: "Taking Jill for Granite"

• Tim hires "a granite guy" named Ian for a kitchen remodel, but the guy turns out to be someone who asked Jill out on a date and who she had a dream about a few episodes ago. When Ian misinterprets a signal and kisses her, she has to fire him. Tim is upset that she fired "the granite guy" and is even more when he finds out about the kiss.
  Tim: He kissed you? Well, what did you do?
  Jill: I pushed him away!
  Tim: Well, you should've fired him!
  Jill: I did fire him!
  Tim: (beat) You fired the granite guy?!

#20: "The Write Stuff"

• The main plot involves Brad and Randy having a tougher time getting along than normal. Jill asks Tim to intervene, and he tells them to take it outside. She's annoyed, but before he can take a more direct hand to stop them, there's a yelp and we see, through the sliding glass door, Randy being thrown around. The real funny moment comes in one of the outtakes though, where Jonathan Taylor Thomas and Zachary Ty Brian have found a couple of stage rapiers and duel their way into the shot.

Season Eight

#12: "Ploys for Tots"

• In an outtake, Marty is supposed to say the line "I'm my own man, and I don't care what your wife sent you down here to tell me", but William O'Leary flubs the line and says "I'm my own wife". Tim immediately runs with it, asking "When you fight, where do you go?"

#19: "Love's Labor Lost (Part 2)"

• Tim asks his mother-in-law how she and her (late) husband dealt with menopause.
  Tim: I'll bet the colonel had a problem with this.
  Lillian: When I went through "The Change", he slipped a card under the door that said 'Get Well Soon — On The Double!'
  Tim: Gutsy move!
  Lillian: He was even worse with my mother. She was living with us at the time; he walked through the door, saw a hot flash, did an about-face, and volunteered to fight in the Korean War. I didn't see him again until 1957.
  Tim: Didn't the Korean War end in 53?
  Lillian: Yes!
  (Tim makes an "Oof" face.)

#21: "A Hardware Habit to Break"

• It's the way Tim says it.
  Marty: Then we can get on our bikes and we can plaster them all over the neighborhood.
  Tim: Yippee-yai-o-kye-ay, Marty! Yeah! And wait a minute. We'll sell lemonade in the driveway and put cards in our spokes that go like this. With big lollipops. And then we'll have a puppet show for all the rest of the kids in the neighborhood. What the hell's the matter with you?!

• Brad spends the episode trying to convince Jill to let him go to Florida with his friends on spring break. The episode ends with him telling her that they will be separated by gender, there will be parental supervisors, and nothing fun will happen.
  Mark: So why do you want to go?
  Brad: (beat, thinks this over) I don't think I do anymore.

Unidentified episodes

• Regarding Heidi:
  Tim: Jill, look at her chest.
  Jill: You just noticed?

• Don't forgot the pizza AND Marty.

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