History Funny / HomeImprovement

13th Mar '16 11:12:11 AM HumanTorch2
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* Every instance of "[[{{RunningGag}} The Man's (Placeholder)]]".
10th Dec '15 5:38:21 PM AriRockefeller
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* In one episode, they're building a rocking chair, and demonstrating how to carve the legs with a lathe, which Al is using. Tim then [[RealityEnsues drops some info about safety around a device that spins (in this case) a piece of wood at hundreds of RPMs]], saying that it can be a major safety hazard; this was why he specifically was not wearing a tie. Which is all fine and good, until...
-->'''Tim''': ...and no loose clothing! ''(his entire shirt gets snatched off at once with a loud '''FWIP''', and is spun around the leg of the chair)''
7th Nov '15 6:13:18 PM DrakeClawfang
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* This gem.
-->'''Jill:''' Remember what Freud said, 'there are no accidents'. \\
'''Wilson:''' With all due respect to Freud, I don't think he ever watched Tool Time.
2nd Nov '15 12:19:51 PM SpukiKitty
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* In a First Season episode (''Flying Sauces''The same one with the 'Dipstick Kebab'...in fact it follows that scene), Brad & Randy convince little Mark that they and the parents are evil space aliens. Tim & Jill get wind of this, inform Mark that the big brothers are messing with him and hatch a most brilliant scheme to get back at Randy & Brad involving stuff like [[https://youtu.be/OHHb74qyAdE?t=16m47s Christmas lights the music of Iron Butterfly.]] Also doubles as a CrowningMomentOfAwesome.

to:

* In a First Season episode (''Flying Sauces''The Sauces''; The same one with the 'Dipstick Kebab'...in fact it follows that scene), Brad & Randy convince little Mark that they and the parents are evil space aliens. Tim & Jill get wind of this, inform Mark that the big brothers are messing with him and hatch a most brilliant scheme to get back at Randy & Brad involving Brad. It involves stuff like [[https://youtu.be/OHHb74qyAdE?t=16m47s Christmas lights the music of Iron Butterfly.]] Also doubles as a CrowningMomentOfAwesome.
2nd Nov '15 12:14:11 PM SpukiKitty
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* In a First Season episode (''Flying Sauces''The same one with the 'Dipstick Kebab'...in fact it follows that scene), Brad & Randy convince little Mark that they and the parents are evil space aliens. Tim & Jill get wind of this, inform Mark that the big brothers are messing with him and hatch a most brilliant scheme to get back at Randy & Brad involving stuff like [[https://youtu.be/OHHb74qyAdE?t=16m47s Christmas lights the music of Iron Butterfly.]] Also doubles as a CrowningMomentOfAwesome.
12th Aug '15 4:24:27 AM Antwan
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-->'''Brad:''' What about live chicken?
-->'''Tim:''' ''Live'' Chicken?! Brad, who the hell do you hang out with?
-->'''Brad:''' Mom...
-->'''Jill:''' What?
-->'''Brad:''' Dad's cussing.
-->'''Tim:''' I wasn't cussing!
-->'''Mark:''' He said a bad word.
-->'''Tim:''' It wasn't bad.
-->'''Randy:''' Yeah, he said hell and damn.
-->'''Tim:''' I did not say damn.
-->'''Randy:''' Now ya did.

to:

-->'''Brad:''' What about live chicken?
-->'''Tim:'''
chicken?\\
'''Tim:'''
''Live'' Chicken?! Brad, who the hell do you hang out with?
-->'''Brad:''' Mom...
-->'''Jill:''' What?
-->'''Brad:'''
with?\\
'''Brad:''' Mom...\\
'''Jill:''' What?\\
'''Brad:'''
Dad's cussing.
-->'''Tim:'''
cussing.\\
'''Tim:'''
I wasn't cussing!
-->'''Mark:'''
cussing!\\
'''Mark:'''
He said a bad word.
-->'''Tim:'''
word.\\
'''Tim:'''
It wasn't bad.
-->'''Randy:'''
bad.\\
'''Randy:'''
Yeah, he said hell and damn.
-->'''Tim:'''
damn.\\
'''Tim:'''
I did not say damn.
-->'''Randy:'''
damn.\\
'''Randy:'''
Now ya did.



-->'''Wilson:''' Well, personally, Tim, I place no credence in chain letters. Of course, I did have a friend once who didn't return a chain letter, and he disappeared mysteriously.
-->''({{Beat}})''
-->'''Wilson:''' [[BrickJoke He was a naval officer in Borneo.]]
--> ''[[AsideGlance (Tim looks up at the camera with a shocked expression)]]''

to:

-->'''Wilson:''' Well, personally, Tim, I place no credence in chain letters. Of course, I did have a friend once who didn't return a chain letter, and he disappeared mysteriously. \n-->''({{Beat}})'' \n-->'''Wilson:''' \\
''({{Beat}})''\\
'''Wilson:'''
[[BrickJoke He was a naval officer in Borneo.]]
-->
]]\\
''[[AsideGlance (Tim looks up at the camera with a shocked expression)]]''



* A woman complaining about Binford's pollution during an episode of ''Tool Time.''
-->'''Woman:''' How come every time I drive by the factory there's all this smoke coming out of the stacks?
-->{{Beat}}
-->'''Tim and Al:''' ''(simultaneously)'' [[CaptainObvious THEY'RE SMOKESTACKS!!!!!]]
-->'''Tim:''' What do you want coming out of 'em? Hai Karate? Some kinda whipped cream? What!?

to:

* A woman complaining about Binford's pollution during an episode of ''Tool Time.''
Time''.
-->'''Woman:''' How come every time I drive by the factory there's all this smoke coming out of the stacks?
-->{{Beat}}
-->'''Tim
stacks?\\
''({{Beat}})''\\
'''Tim
and Al:''' ''(simultaneously)'' [[CaptainObvious THEY'RE SMOKESTACKS!!!!!]]
-->'''Tim:'''
SMOKESTACKS!!!!!]]\\
'''Tim:'''
What do you want coming out of 'em? Hai Karate? Some kinda whipped cream? What!?



-->'''Tim:''' Jill, look at her chest.
-->'''Jill:''' You ''just'' noticed?

to:

-->'''Tim:''' Jill, look at her chest.
-->'''Jill:'''
chest.\\
'''Jill:'''
You ''just'' noticed?



-->'''Tim''': Local, like here in Detroit?
-->'''Doctor''': No, like 'local' here in your scrotum.
-->''([[ShareTheMalePain audience groans in sympathy]])''
-->'''Doctor''': [[CaptainObvious That does sting for a few seconds]]--
-->'''Tim''': YA THINK?!

to:

-->'''Tim''': -->'''Tim:''' Local, like here in Detroit?
-->'''Doctor''':
Detroit?\\
'''Doctor:'''
No, like 'local' here in your scrotum.
-->''([[ShareTheMalePain
scrotum.\\
''([[ShareTheMalePain
audience groans in sympathy]])''
-->'''Doctor''':
sympathy]])''\\
'''Doctor:'''
[[CaptainObvious That does sting for a few seconds]]--
-->'''Tim''':
seconds]]--\\
'''Tim:'''
YA THINK?!



-->'''Tim:''' "How am I supposed to talk to woman about what's going on in man land?"
-->'''Jill:''' "Man land? Now you got a theme park between your legs?"

to:

-->'''Tim:''' "How How am I supposed to talk to woman about what's going on in man land?"
-->'''Jill:''' "Man
land?\\
'''Jill:''' Man
land? Now you got a theme park between your legs?"legs?



-->'''Al:''' What's this? Looks like oregano. Does Jill keep it out here so it stays fresh?
-->'''Tim:''' That's not oregano.
-->'''Al:''' Tarragon?
-->'''Tim:''' This is marijuana.
-->'''Al:''' Jill cooks with marijuana?
-->'''Tim:''' No you idiot, somebody's hiding this out here.
-->'''Al:''' Oh I can't believe I touched this bag! Now my prints are all over it!
-->'''Tim:''' Hey hey, calm down.
-->'''Al:''' You know this makes me an accessory. I could be charged with possession of illicit drugs!
-->'''Tim:''' Al, think for a minute. You found marijuana on my property. What does that tell you?
-->'''Al:''' I can no longer run for political office!

to:

-->'''Al:''' What's this? Looks like oregano. Does Jill keep it out here so it stays fresh?
-->'''Tim:'''
fresh?\\
'''Tim:'''
That's not oregano.
-->'''Al:''' Tarragon?
-->'''Tim:'''
oregano.\\
'''Al:''' Tarragon?\\
'''Tim:'''
This is marijuana.
-->'''Al:'''
marijuana.\\
'''Al:'''
Jill cooks with marijuana?
-->'''Tim:'''
marijuana?\\
'''Tim:'''
No you idiot, somebody's hiding this out here.
-->'''Al:'''
here.\\
'''Al:'''
Oh I can't believe I touched this bag! Now my prints are all over it!
-->'''Tim:'''
it!\\
'''Tim:'''
Hey hey, calm down.
-->'''Al:'''
down.\\
'''Al:'''
You know this makes me an accessory. I could be charged with possession of illicit drugs!
-->'''Tim:'''
drugs! \\
'''Tim:'''
Al, think for a minute. You found marijuana on my property. What does that tell you?
-->'''Al:'''
you?\\
'''Al:'''
I can no longer run for political office!



-->'''Jill:''' Do you remember when the worst problem we had with Brad was toilet training?
-->'''Tim:''' Makes sense. Couldn't get him on the pot; now we're trying to get him ''off'' the pot.

to:

-->'''Jill:''' Do you remember when the worst problem we had with Brad was toilet training?
-->'''Tim:'''
training?\\
'''Tim:'''
Makes sense. Couldn't get him on the pot; now we're trying to get him ''off'' the pot.



-->Marty: Then we can get on our bikes and we can plaster them all over the neighborhood.
-->Tim: Yippee-yai-o-kye-ay, Marty! Yeah! And wait a minute. We'll sell lemonade in the driveway and put cards in our spokes that go like this. With big lollipops. And then we'll have a puppet show for all the rest of the kids in the neighborhood. ''What the hell's the matter with you?!''

to:

-->Marty: -->'''Marty:''' Then we can get on our bikes and we can plaster them all over the neighborhood.
-->Tim:
neighborhood.\\
'''Tim:'''
Yippee-yai-o-kye-ay, Marty! Yeah! And wait a minute. We'll sell lemonade in the driveway and put cards in our spokes that go like this. With big lollipops. And then we'll have a puppet show for all the rest of the kids in the neighborhood. ''What the hell's the matter with you?!''



* Antonio the waiter from Randy and Lauren's first date. Snarky is a understatement when it came to him.

to:

* Antonio the waiter from Randy and Lauren's first date.who has made a few appearances. Snarky is a understatement when it came to him.



-->''(Tim readies giant sledgehammer)''
-->'''Tim:''' Al, would you hold the stake while I drive her in?
-->'''Al:''' I'd be pleased to, Tim. ''(to audience)'' With an expert like Tim, [[CallForward I know I'm in good hands!]]

to:

-->''(Tim readies giant sledgehammer)''
-->'''Tim:'''
sledgehammer)''\\
'''Tim:'''
Al, would you hold the stake while I drive her in?
-->'''Al:'''
in?\\
'''Al:'''
I'd be pleased to, Tim. ''(to audience)'' With an expert like Tim, [[CallForward I know I'm in good hands!]]



-->'''Al:''' And then we'll convert that stuff on your face into an actual beard.
-->'''Tim:''' Gee, Al. Not everyone can grow a beard as fast as [[YourMom your mom.]]

to:

-->'''Al:''' And then we'll convert that stuff on your face into an actual beard.
-->'''Tim:'''
beard.\\
'''Tim:'''
Gee, Al. Not everyone can grow a beard as fast as [[YourMom your mom.]]



-->'''Jill:''' You should go to the emergency room.
-->'''Tim:''' I was just there, they said I wasn't a priority.
-->'''Jill:''' Why, was there a guy with a ''whole table'' stuck to his head?

to:

-->'''Jill:''' You should go to the emergency room.
-->'''Tim:'''
room.\\
'''Tim:'''
I was just there, they said I wasn't a priority.
-->'''Jill:'''
priority.\\
'''Jill:'''
Why, was there a guy with a ''whole table'' stuck to his head?



--> '''Mark:''' So why do you want to go?
--> '''Brad:''' (beat, thinks this over) I don't think I do anymore.

to:

--> '''Mark:''' -->'''Mark:''' So why do you want to go?
-->
go?\\
'''Brad:''' (beat, ''(beat, thinks this over) over)'' I don't think I do anymore.



--> '''Brad:''' What if we hold his nose shut?
--> '''Randy:''' Then he'll just breathe out his mouth
--> '''Brad:''' What if we hold his nose and mouth shut?
--> '''Randy:''' [beat] I think that's called murder.

to:

--> '''Brad:''' -->'''Brad:''' What if we hold his nose shut?
-->
shut?\\
'''Randy:''' Then he'll just breathe out his mouth
-->
mouth\\
'''Brad:''' What if we hold his nose and mouth shut?
-->
shut?\\
'''Randy:''' [beat] ''(beat)'' I think that's called murder.



-->'''Tim:''' Put your left arm on the tool. ''(Jill's eyes rove where they shouldn't)''
-->'''Jill:''' The wrench?
-->'''Tim:''' The ''[[IThoughtItMeant wrench.]]''

to:

-->'''Tim:''' Put your left arm on the tool. ''(Jill's eyes rove where they shouldn't)''
-->'''Jill:'''
shouldn't)''\\
'''Jill:'''
The wrench?
-->'''Tim:'''
wrench?\\
'''Tim:'''
The ''[[IThoughtItMeant wrench.]]''
10th Aug '15 6:30:40 AM Antwan
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-->Brad: What about live chicken?
-->Tim: ''Live'' Chicken?! Brad, who the hell do you hang out with?
-->Brad: Mom...
-->Jill: What?
-->Brad: Dad's cussing.
-->Tim: I wasn't cussing!
-->Mark: He said a bad word.
-->Tim: It wasn't bad.
-->Randy: Yeah, he said hell and damn.
-->Tim: I did not say damn.
-->Randy: Now ya did.

to:

-->Brad: -->'''Brad:''' What about live chicken?
-->Tim: -->'''Tim:''' ''Live'' Chicken?! Brad, who the hell do you hang out with?
-->Brad: -->'''Brad:''' Mom...
-->Jill: -->'''Jill:''' What?
-->Brad: -->'''Brad:''' Dad's cussing.
-->Tim: -->'''Tim:''' I wasn't cussing!
-->Mark: -->'''Mark:''' He said a bad word.
-->Tim: -->'''Tim:''' It wasn't bad.
-->Randy: -->'''Randy:''' Yeah, he said hell and damn.
-->Tim: -->'''Tim:''' I did not say damn.
-->Randy: -->'''Randy:''' Now ya did.



-->'''Woman:''' "How come every time I drive by the factory there's all this smoke coming out of the stacks?"

to:

-->'''Woman:''' "How How come every time I drive by the factory there's all this smoke coming out of the stacks?"stacks?



-->'''Tim and Al (simultaneously):''' [[CaptainObvious "THEY'RE SMOKESTACKS!!!!!"]]
-->'''Tim:''' "What do you want coming out of 'em? Hai Karate? Some kinda whipped cream? What!?"

to:

-->'''Tim and Al (simultaneously):''' Al:''' ''(simultaneously)'' [[CaptainObvious "THEY'RE SMOKESTACKS!!!!!"]]
THEY'RE SMOKESTACKS!!!!!]]
-->'''Tim:''' "What What do you want coming out of 'em? Hai Karate? Some kinda whipped cream? What!?"What!?



-->'''Tim:''' "Jill look at her chest"
-->'''Jill:''' "You ''just'' noticed?"

to:

-->'''Tim:''' "Jill Jill, look at her chest"
chest.
-->'''Jill:''' "You You ''just'' noticed?"
noticed?



-->'''Jill:''' "Honey, it is much safer for a man to get a vasectomy than it is for a woman to have a tubal ligation"
-->'''Tim:''' "Says who, the wives with knives club?"

to:

-->'''Jill:''' "Honey, Honey, it is much safer for a man to get a vasectomy than it is for a woman to have a tubal ligation"
ligation.
-->'''Tim:''' "Says Says who, the wives with knives club?"club?






* This troper loves the "Tool Time" segements before the credits, 'cause that's where some of the really funny stuff is. For example, Tim creating a "special Al blend" of paint that ''literally paints a picture of Al''. And that time they launched a grill into orbit...

to:

* This troper loves the "Tool Time" segements segments before the credits, 'cause that's where some of the really funny stuff is. For example, Tim creating a "special Al blend" of paint that ''literally paints a picture of Al''. And that time they launched a grill into orbit...orbit using rocket fuel...



* Antonio the waiter.

to:

* Antonio the waiter.waiter from Randy and Lauren's first date. Snarky is a understatement when it came to him.



-->*Tim readies giant sledgehammer*
-->'''Tim''': Al, would you hold the stake while I drive her in?
-->'''Al''': I'd be pleased to, Tim. *to audience* With an expert like Tim, [[CallForward I know I'm in good hands!]]

to:

-->*Tim -->''(Tim readies giant sledgehammer*
-->'''Tim''':
sledgehammer)''
-->'''Tim:'''
Al, would you hold the stake while I drive her in?
-->'''Al''': -->'''Al:''' I'd be pleased to, Tim. *to audience* ''(to audience)'' With an expert like Tim, [[CallForward I know I'm in good hands!]]hands!]]
** The fact that Tim started with a beard and Al didn't. A beardless Richard Karn caused the audience to ''lose it''.



* In "Taking Jill for Granite," Tim hires "a granite guy" named Ian for a kitchen remodel, but the guy turns out to be someone who asked Jill out on a date and who she had a dream about a few episodes ago. When Ian misinterprets a signal and kisses her, she has to fire him. Tim is upset that she fired "the granite guy" and is even more when he finds out about the kiss.

to:

* In "Taking Jill for Granite," Granite", Tim hires "a granite guy" named Ian for a kitchen remodel, but the guy turns out to be someone who asked Jill out on a date and who she had a dream about a few episodes ago. When Ian misinterprets a signal and kisses her, she has to fire him. Tim is upset that she fired "the granite guy" and is even more when he finds out about the kiss.



-->'''Wilson''': Talk me down, Jill, talk me down!

to:

-->'''Wilson''': -->'''Wilson:''' Talk me down, Jill, talk me down!



--->"Hey, guys, I jimmied the lock! Let's get outta here! Get the women! Get the women!"

to:

--->"Hey, --->''"Hey, guys, I jimmied the lock! Let's get outta here! Get the women! Get the women!"women!"''
3rd Aug '15 3:44:17 AM tsstevens
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* This ''glorious'' example of GettingCrapPastTheRadar.
-->'''Tim:''' Put your left arm on the tool. ''(Jill's eyes rove where they shouldn't)''
-->'''Jill:''' The wrench?
-->'''Tim:''' The ''[[IThoughtItMeant wrench.]]''
3rd Jul '15 1:19:24 PM wyattte
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* A bit of CringeComedy in one segment: Tim and Al's very first, very awkward, ''[[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rgFS1WcxBJ4 Tool Time.'']]

to:

* A bit of CringeComedy in one segment: Tim and Al's very first, very awkward, ''[[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rgFS1WcxBJ4 com/watch?v=IKw-w0Sf2GY Tool Time.'']]



* The Man's Kitchen. Everything is in excess to absurd degrees. The "macrowave", the ''butcher'' in the freezer, and the beverage lineup: Beer, root beer, and Pepto Bismol. It even ends with a nice little ChekhovsGag.

to:

* The Man's Kitchen. Everything is in excess to absurd degrees. The "macrowave", the ''butcher'' in the freezer, and the beverage lineup: Beer, root beer, and Pepto Bismol. It even ends with a nice little ChekhovsGag.The CallBack at the end is priceless.


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* Season 7 episode "Room At The Top," where Tim tries to grow a beard. It doesn't really pan out, but makes for some snark fodder:
-->'''Al:''' And then we'll convert that stuff on your face into an actual beard.
-->'''Tim:''' Gee, Al. Not everyone can grow a beard as fast as [[YourMom your mom.]]
** And during the credits scene, Tim finally shaves it off for Jill. [[spoiler: [[GagHaircut Including HIS ENTIRE HEAD.]] Thankfully, it's just a prank.]]
9th Jun '15 7:40:06 PM wyattte
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Added DiffLines:

** The blooper during the credits has Tim Allen flashing Patricia Richardson.
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http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/article_history.php?article=Funny.HomeImprovement