History Funny / HomeImprovement

4th Jun '16 2:22:34 AM Fuzy2K
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* In one episode, Al becomes part owner of Harry's Hardware. He puts up a "No Free Coffee" sign to deter "freeloaders", to which Benny (who is currently enjoying a cup of coffee without buying anything) complains, as he now has to pay for his coffee. He asks to borrow money from Harry, who gives it to Benny, who gives it to Al, who gives it back to Harry, who puts it right back into the cash register.

to:

* In one episode, Al becomes part owner of Harry's Hardware. He puts up a "No Free Coffee" sign to deter "freeloaders", to which causing Benny (who is currently enjoying a cup of coffee without buying anything) complains, to complain, as he now has to pay for his coffee. He asks to borrow money from Harry, who gives it to Benny, who gives it to Al, who gives it back to Harry, who puts it right back into the cash register.
4th Jun '16 2:21:31 AM Fuzy2K
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*In one episode, Al becomes part owner of Harry's Hardware. He puts up a "No Free Coffee" sign to deter "freeloaders", to which Benny (who is currently enjoying a cup of coffee without buying anything) complains, as he now has to pay for his coffee. He asks to borrow money from Harry, who gives it to Benny, who gives it to Al, who gives it back to Harry, who puts it right back into the cash register.
28th May '16 4:39:47 PM lorgskyegon
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** He even has a coffee mug with his name on it.
13th Mar '16 11:12:11 AM HumanTorch2
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* Every instance of "[[{{RunningGag}} The Man's (Placeholder)]]".
10th Dec '15 5:38:21 PM AriRockefeller
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* In one episode, they're building a rocking chair, and demonstrating how to carve the legs with a lathe, which Al is using. Tim then [[RealityEnsues drops some info about safety around a device that spins (in this case) a piece of wood at hundreds of RPMs]], saying that it can be a major safety hazard; this was why he specifically was not wearing a tie. Which is all fine and good, until...
-->'''Tim''': ...and no loose clothing! ''(his entire shirt gets snatched off at once with a loud '''FWIP''', and is spun around the leg of the chair)''
7th Nov '15 6:13:18 PM DrakeClawfang
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* This gem.
-->'''Jill:''' Remember what Freud said, 'there are no accidents'. \\
'''Wilson:''' With all due respect to Freud, I don't think he ever watched Tool Time.
2nd Nov '15 12:19:51 PM SpukiKitty
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* In a First Season episode (''Flying Sauces''The same one with the 'Dipstick Kebab'...in fact it follows that scene), Brad & Randy convince little Mark that they and the parents are evil space aliens. Tim & Jill get wind of this, inform Mark that the big brothers are messing with him and hatch a most brilliant scheme to get back at Randy & Brad involving stuff like [[https://youtu.be/OHHb74qyAdE?t=16m47s Christmas lights the music of Iron Butterfly.]] Also doubles as a CrowningMomentOfAwesome.

to:

* In a First Season episode (''Flying Sauces''The Sauces''; The same one with the 'Dipstick Kebab'...in fact it follows that scene), Brad & Randy convince little Mark that they and the parents are evil space aliens. Tim & Jill get wind of this, inform Mark that the big brothers are messing with him and hatch a most brilliant scheme to get back at Randy & Brad involving Brad. It involves stuff like [[https://youtu.be/OHHb74qyAdE?t=16m47s Christmas lights the music of Iron Butterfly.]] Also doubles as a CrowningMomentOfAwesome.
2nd Nov '15 12:14:11 PM SpukiKitty
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Added DiffLines:

* In a First Season episode (''Flying Sauces''The same one with the 'Dipstick Kebab'...in fact it follows that scene), Brad & Randy convince little Mark that they and the parents are evil space aliens. Tim & Jill get wind of this, inform Mark that the big brothers are messing with him and hatch a most brilliant scheme to get back at Randy & Brad involving stuff like [[https://youtu.be/OHHb74qyAdE?t=16m47s Christmas lights the music of Iron Butterfly.]] Also doubles as a CrowningMomentOfAwesome.
12th Aug '15 4:24:27 AM Antwan
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-->'''Brad:''' What about live chicken?
-->'''Tim:''' ''Live'' Chicken?! Brad, who the hell do you hang out with?
-->'''Brad:''' Mom...
-->'''Jill:''' What?
-->'''Brad:''' Dad's cussing.
-->'''Tim:''' I wasn't cussing!
-->'''Mark:''' He said a bad word.
-->'''Tim:''' It wasn't bad.
-->'''Randy:''' Yeah, he said hell and damn.
-->'''Tim:''' I did not say damn.
-->'''Randy:''' Now ya did.

to:

-->'''Brad:''' What about live chicken?
-->'''Tim:'''
chicken?\\
'''Tim:'''
''Live'' Chicken?! Brad, who the hell do you hang out with?
-->'''Brad:''' Mom...
-->'''Jill:''' What?
-->'''Brad:'''
with?\\
'''Brad:''' Mom...\\
'''Jill:''' What?\\
'''Brad:'''
Dad's cussing.
-->'''Tim:'''
cussing.\\
'''Tim:'''
I wasn't cussing!
-->'''Mark:'''
cussing!\\
'''Mark:'''
He said a bad word.
-->'''Tim:'''
word.\\
'''Tim:'''
It wasn't bad.
-->'''Randy:'''
bad.\\
'''Randy:'''
Yeah, he said hell and damn.
-->'''Tim:'''
damn.\\
'''Tim:'''
I did not say damn.
-->'''Randy:'''
damn.\\
'''Randy:'''
Now ya did.



-->'''Wilson:''' Well, personally, Tim, I place no credence in chain letters. Of course, I did have a friend once who didn't return a chain letter, and he disappeared mysteriously.
-->''({{Beat}})''
-->'''Wilson:''' [[BrickJoke He was a naval officer in Borneo.]]
--> ''[[AsideGlance (Tim looks up at the camera with a shocked expression)]]''

to:

-->'''Wilson:''' Well, personally, Tim, I place no credence in chain letters. Of course, I did have a friend once who didn't return a chain letter, and he disappeared mysteriously. \n-->''({{Beat}})'' \n-->'''Wilson:''' \\
''({{Beat}})''\\
'''Wilson:'''
[[BrickJoke He was a naval officer in Borneo.]]
-->
]]\\
''[[AsideGlance (Tim looks up at the camera with a shocked expression)]]''



* A woman complaining about Binford's pollution during an episode of ''Tool Time.''
-->'''Woman:''' How come every time I drive by the factory there's all this smoke coming out of the stacks?
-->{{Beat}}
-->'''Tim and Al:''' ''(simultaneously)'' [[CaptainObvious THEY'RE SMOKESTACKS!!!!!]]
-->'''Tim:''' What do you want coming out of 'em? Hai Karate? Some kinda whipped cream? What!?

to:

* A woman complaining about Binford's pollution during an episode of ''Tool Time.''
Time''.
-->'''Woman:''' How come every time I drive by the factory there's all this smoke coming out of the stacks?
-->{{Beat}}
-->'''Tim
stacks?\\
''({{Beat}})''\\
'''Tim
and Al:''' ''(simultaneously)'' [[CaptainObvious THEY'RE SMOKESTACKS!!!!!]]
-->'''Tim:'''
SMOKESTACKS!!!!!]]\\
'''Tim:'''
What do you want coming out of 'em? Hai Karate? Some kinda whipped cream? What!?



-->'''Tim:''' Jill, look at her chest.
-->'''Jill:''' You ''just'' noticed?

to:

-->'''Tim:''' Jill, look at her chest.
-->'''Jill:'''
chest.\\
'''Jill:'''
You ''just'' noticed?



-->'''Tim''': Local, like here in Detroit?
-->'''Doctor''': No, like 'local' here in your scrotum.
-->''([[ShareTheMalePain audience groans in sympathy]])''
-->'''Doctor''': [[CaptainObvious That does sting for a few seconds]]--
-->'''Tim''': YA THINK?!

to:

-->'''Tim''': -->'''Tim:''' Local, like here in Detroit?
-->'''Doctor''':
Detroit?\\
'''Doctor:'''
No, like 'local' here in your scrotum.
-->''([[ShareTheMalePain
scrotum.\\
''([[ShareTheMalePain
audience groans in sympathy]])''
-->'''Doctor''':
sympathy]])''\\
'''Doctor:'''
[[CaptainObvious That does sting for a few seconds]]--
-->'''Tim''':
seconds]]--\\
'''Tim:'''
YA THINK?!



-->'''Tim:''' "How am I supposed to talk to woman about what's going on in man land?"
-->'''Jill:''' "Man land? Now you got a theme park between your legs?"

to:

-->'''Tim:''' "How How am I supposed to talk to woman about what's going on in man land?"
-->'''Jill:''' "Man
land?\\
'''Jill:''' Man
land? Now you got a theme park between your legs?"legs?



-->'''Al:''' What's this? Looks like oregano. Does Jill keep it out here so it stays fresh?
-->'''Tim:''' That's not oregano.
-->'''Al:''' Tarragon?
-->'''Tim:''' This is marijuana.
-->'''Al:''' Jill cooks with marijuana?
-->'''Tim:''' No you idiot, somebody's hiding this out here.
-->'''Al:''' Oh I can't believe I touched this bag! Now my prints are all over it!
-->'''Tim:''' Hey hey, calm down.
-->'''Al:''' You know this makes me an accessory. I could be charged with possession of illicit drugs!
-->'''Tim:''' Al, think for a minute. You found marijuana on my property. What does that tell you?
-->'''Al:''' I can no longer run for political office!

to:

-->'''Al:''' What's this? Looks like oregano. Does Jill keep it out here so it stays fresh?
-->'''Tim:'''
fresh?\\
'''Tim:'''
That's not oregano.
-->'''Al:''' Tarragon?
-->'''Tim:'''
oregano.\\
'''Al:''' Tarragon?\\
'''Tim:'''
This is marijuana.
-->'''Al:'''
marijuana.\\
'''Al:'''
Jill cooks with marijuana?
-->'''Tim:'''
marijuana?\\
'''Tim:'''
No you idiot, somebody's hiding this out here.
-->'''Al:'''
here.\\
'''Al:'''
Oh I can't believe I touched this bag! Now my prints are all over it!
-->'''Tim:'''
it!\\
'''Tim:'''
Hey hey, calm down.
-->'''Al:'''
down.\\
'''Al:'''
You know this makes me an accessory. I could be charged with possession of illicit drugs!
-->'''Tim:'''
drugs! \\
'''Tim:'''
Al, think for a minute. You found marijuana on my property. What does that tell you?
-->'''Al:'''
you?\\
'''Al:'''
I can no longer run for political office!



-->'''Jill:''' Do you remember when the worst problem we had with Brad was toilet training?
-->'''Tim:''' Makes sense. Couldn't get him on the pot; now we're trying to get him ''off'' the pot.

to:

-->'''Jill:''' Do you remember when the worst problem we had with Brad was toilet training?
-->'''Tim:'''
training?\\
'''Tim:'''
Makes sense. Couldn't get him on the pot; now we're trying to get him ''off'' the pot.



-->Marty: Then we can get on our bikes and we can plaster them all over the neighborhood.
-->Tim: Yippee-yai-o-kye-ay, Marty! Yeah! And wait a minute. We'll sell lemonade in the driveway and put cards in our spokes that go like this. With big lollipops. And then we'll have a puppet show for all the rest of the kids in the neighborhood. ''What the hell's the matter with you?!''

to:

-->Marty: -->'''Marty:''' Then we can get on our bikes and we can plaster them all over the neighborhood.
-->Tim:
neighborhood.\\
'''Tim:'''
Yippee-yai-o-kye-ay, Marty! Yeah! And wait a minute. We'll sell lemonade in the driveway and put cards in our spokes that go like this. With big lollipops. And then we'll have a puppet show for all the rest of the kids in the neighborhood. ''What the hell's the matter with you?!''



* Antonio the waiter from Randy and Lauren's first date. Snarky is a understatement when it came to him.

to:

* Antonio the waiter from Randy and Lauren's first date.who has made a few appearances. Snarky is a understatement when it came to him.



-->''(Tim readies giant sledgehammer)''
-->'''Tim:''' Al, would you hold the stake while I drive her in?
-->'''Al:''' I'd be pleased to, Tim. ''(to audience)'' With an expert like Tim, [[CallForward I know I'm in good hands!]]

to:

-->''(Tim readies giant sledgehammer)''
-->'''Tim:'''
sledgehammer)''\\
'''Tim:'''
Al, would you hold the stake while I drive her in?
-->'''Al:'''
in?\\
'''Al:'''
I'd be pleased to, Tim. ''(to audience)'' With an expert like Tim, [[CallForward I know I'm in good hands!]]



-->'''Al:''' And then we'll convert that stuff on your face into an actual beard.
-->'''Tim:''' Gee, Al. Not everyone can grow a beard as fast as [[YourMom your mom.]]

to:

-->'''Al:''' And then we'll convert that stuff on your face into an actual beard.
-->'''Tim:'''
beard.\\
'''Tim:'''
Gee, Al. Not everyone can grow a beard as fast as [[YourMom your mom.]]



-->'''Jill:''' You should go to the emergency room.
-->'''Tim:''' I was just there, they said I wasn't a priority.
-->'''Jill:''' Why, was there a guy with a ''whole table'' stuck to his head?

to:

-->'''Jill:''' You should go to the emergency room.
-->'''Tim:'''
room.\\
'''Tim:'''
I was just there, they said I wasn't a priority.
-->'''Jill:'''
priority.\\
'''Jill:'''
Why, was there a guy with a ''whole table'' stuck to his head?



--> '''Mark:''' So why do you want to go?
--> '''Brad:''' (beat, thinks this over) I don't think I do anymore.

to:

--> '''Mark:''' -->'''Mark:''' So why do you want to go?
-->
go?\\
'''Brad:''' (beat, ''(beat, thinks this over) over)'' I don't think I do anymore.



--> '''Brad:''' What if we hold his nose shut?
--> '''Randy:''' Then he'll just breathe out his mouth
--> '''Brad:''' What if we hold his nose and mouth shut?
--> '''Randy:''' [beat] I think that's called murder.

to:

--> '''Brad:''' -->'''Brad:''' What if we hold his nose shut?
-->
shut?\\
'''Randy:''' Then he'll just breathe out his mouth
-->
mouth\\
'''Brad:''' What if we hold his nose and mouth shut?
-->
shut?\\
'''Randy:''' [beat] ''(beat)'' I think that's called murder.



-->'''Tim:''' Put your left arm on the tool. ''(Jill's eyes rove where they shouldn't)''
-->'''Jill:''' The wrench?
-->'''Tim:''' The ''[[IThoughtItMeant wrench.]]''

to:

-->'''Tim:''' Put your left arm on the tool. ''(Jill's eyes rove where they shouldn't)''
-->'''Jill:'''
shouldn't)''\\
'''Jill:'''
The wrench?
-->'''Tim:'''
wrench?\\
'''Tim:'''
The ''[[IThoughtItMeant wrench.]]''
10th Aug '15 6:30:40 AM Antwan
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-->Brad: What about live chicken?
-->Tim: ''Live'' Chicken?! Brad, who the hell do you hang out with?
-->Brad: Mom...
-->Jill: What?
-->Brad: Dad's cussing.
-->Tim: I wasn't cussing!
-->Mark: He said a bad word.
-->Tim: It wasn't bad.
-->Randy: Yeah, he said hell and damn.
-->Tim: I did not say damn.
-->Randy: Now ya did.

to:

-->Brad: -->'''Brad:''' What about live chicken?
-->Tim: -->'''Tim:''' ''Live'' Chicken?! Brad, who the hell do you hang out with?
-->Brad: -->'''Brad:''' Mom...
-->Jill: -->'''Jill:''' What?
-->Brad: -->'''Brad:''' Dad's cussing.
-->Tim: -->'''Tim:''' I wasn't cussing!
-->Mark: -->'''Mark:''' He said a bad word.
-->Tim: -->'''Tim:''' It wasn't bad.
-->Randy: -->'''Randy:''' Yeah, he said hell and damn.
-->Tim: -->'''Tim:''' I did not say damn.
-->Randy: -->'''Randy:''' Now ya did.



-->'''Woman:''' "How come every time I drive by the factory there's all this smoke coming out of the stacks?"

to:

-->'''Woman:''' "How How come every time I drive by the factory there's all this smoke coming out of the stacks?"stacks?



-->'''Tim and Al (simultaneously):''' [[CaptainObvious "THEY'RE SMOKESTACKS!!!!!"]]
-->'''Tim:''' "What do you want coming out of 'em? Hai Karate? Some kinda whipped cream? What!?"

to:

-->'''Tim and Al (simultaneously):''' Al:''' ''(simultaneously)'' [[CaptainObvious "THEY'RE SMOKESTACKS!!!!!"]]
THEY'RE SMOKESTACKS!!!!!]]
-->'''Tim:''' "What What do you want coming out of 'em? Hai Karate? Some kinda whipped cream? What!?"What!?



-->'''Tim:''' "Jill look at her chest"
-->'''Jill:''' "You ''just'' noticed?"

to:

-->'''Tim:''' "Jill Jill, look at her chest"
chest.
-->'''Jill:''' "You You ''just'' noticed?"
noticed?



-->'''Jill:''' "Honey, it is much safer for a man to get a vasectomy than it is for a woman to have a tubal ligation"
-->'''Tim:''' "Says who, the wives with knives club?"

to:

-->'''Jill:''' "Honey, Honey, it is much safer for a man to get a vasectomy than it is for a woman to have a tubal ligation"
ligation.
-->'''Tim:''' "Says Says who, the wives with knives club?"club?






* This troper loves the "Tool Time" segements before the credits, 'cause that's where some of the really funny stuff is. For example, Tim creating a "special Al blend" of paint that ''literally paints a picture of Al''. And that time they launched a grill into orbit...

to:

* This troper loves the "Tool Time" segements segments before the credits, 'cause that's where some of the really funny stuff is. For example, Tim creating a "special Al blend" of paint that ''literally paints a picture of Al''. And that time they launched a grill into orbit...orbit using rocket fuel...



* Antonio the waiter.

to:

* Antonio the waiter.waiter from Randy and Lauren's first date. Snarky is a understatement when it came to him.



-->*Tim readies giant sledgehammer*
-->'''Tim''': Al, would you hold the stake while I drive her in?
-->'''Al''': I'd be pleased to, Tim. *to audience* With an expert like Tim, [[CallForward I know I'm in good hands!]]

to:

-->*Tim -->''(Tim readies giant sledgehammer*
-->'''Tim''':
sledgehammer)''
-->'''Tim:'''
Al, would you hold the stake while I drive her in?
-->'''Al''': -->'''Al:''' I'd be pleased to, Tim. *to audience* ''(to audience)'' With an expert like Tim, [[CallForward I know I'm in good hands!]]hands!]]
** The fact that Tim started with a beard and Al didn't. A beardless Richard Karn caused the audience to ''lose it''.



* In "Taking Jill for Granite," Tim hires "a granite guy" named Ian for a kitchen remodel, but the guy turns out to be someone who asked Jill out on a date and who she had a dream about a few episodes ago. When Ian misinterprets a signal and kisses her, she has to fire him. Tim is upset that she fired "the granite guy" and is even more when he finds out about the kiss.

to:

* In "Taking Jill for Granite," Granite", Tim hires "a granite guy" named Ian for a kitchen remodel, but the guy turns out to be someone who asked Jill out on a date and who she had a dream about a few episodes ago. When Ian misinterprets a signal and kisses her, she has to fire him. Tim is upset that she fired "the granite guy" and is even more when he finds out about the kiss.



-->'''Wilson''': Talk me down, Jill, talk me down!

to:

-->'''Wilson''': -->'''Wilson:''' Talk me down, Jill, talk me down!



--->"Hey, guys, I jimmied the lock! Let's get outta here! Get the women! Get the women!"

to:

--->"Hey, --->''"Hey, guys, I jimmied the lock! Let's get outta here! Get the women! Get the women!"women!"''
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