Funny / Batman Begins

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    Bruce Wayne 
  • When Bruce returns from his travels:
    Mr. Earle: Bruce! I thought you were dead.
    Bruce Wayne: Sorry to disappoint.
    • Bonus laughs come from the fact that Bruce managed to charm the secretary into Office Golf within less than a minute of entering his own office building.
  • Alfred rouses Bruce after Bruce's first night out as Batman.
    Bruce Wayne: [as Alfred opens the curtains] Bats are nocturnal!
    Alfred Pennyworth: Bats may be, but even for billionaire playboys, three o'clock is pushing it. The price of leading a double life, I fear. Your theatrics made an impression. [shows the newspaper to Bruce]
    Bruce Wayne: Theatricality and deception are powerful weapons, Alfred. It's a good start.
    Alfred Pennyworth: If those are to be the first of many injuries to come, it would be wise to find a suitable excuse. Polo, for instance.
    Bruce Wayne: [disgusted] I'm not learning polo, Alfred.
    Alfred Pennyworth: Strange injuries, a non-existent social life. These things beg the question as to "What exactly does Bruce Wayne do with his time and his money?"
    Bruce Wayne: And what does someone like me do?
    Alfred Pennyworth: Drive sports cars, date movie stars, buy things that are not for sale… who knows, Master Wayne? You start pretending to have fun, you might even have a little by accident.
  • On closer inspection of the scene where Bruce breaks into Gordon's office and holds him at gunpoint, he is not holding a gun to Gordon's neck at all. It's a stapler!
  • The newspaper headline after Ra's is defeated: "Drunken Billionaire Burns Down Home".
  • When Batman says to Ra's al Ghul, regarding the soldiers he's threatened with, "I can't beat two of your pawns?" Ra's says, "As you wish." Two of Ra's men rappel down next to the first two, and Batman does this sidelong glance that just screams "I had to open my big mouth."
  • Bruce buying the restaurant so the two women he's with can go into the fountain naked took this to the logical extreme.
    Maitre'd: Sir, the pool is for decoration, and your friends do not have swimwear.
    Bruce: Well, they're European.
    Maitre'd: I'm going to have to ask you to leave.
    Bruce starts to write a check
    Maitre'd: It is not a question of money.
    Bruce Wayne: [gives him the check] Well, you see, I'm buying this hotel, and uh, setting some new rules about the pool area.
    • Chekhov's Gun with that restaurant - in The Dark Knight, it's the same one where he pushes two tables together with Harvey and Rachel, commenting how it's fine to do because he owns the place.
  • "WHERE ARE YOU?!?!" "Here."
  • "Nice coat."
  • Bruce dismissing his own alter-ego as a means of establishing his Rich Idiot with No Day Job persona:
    Bruce: Well, a guy who dresses up like a bat clearly has issues.
  • Bruce getting everyone out of Wayne Manor to (what he believes to be) relative safety by acting drunk and belligerent:
    Bruce: Everyone. Everybody. I, uh...wanna thank you all for coming here tonight and drinking all of my booze. No, really. There's a thing about being a Wayne that, you're never short a few freeloaders, like yourselves, to fill up your mansion with so, here's to you people. Thank you.
    Partygoer: That's enough, Bruce.
    Bruce: Mm-mm. I'm not finished. To all of you, uh...all you phonies. All you… two-faced friends, you sycophantic suck-ups who smile through your teeth at me, please leave me in peace. Please. Go. Stop smiling, it's not a joke, please leave. The party's over, Get Out.
  • Right before the chase scene, Batman makes it out to the alleyway by breaking into one of the cells and breaking the window, before saying, "Excuse me" to two of the prisoners, who just look at each other.
    • It's the looks on the inmates' faces that sells it. It's almost like they're silently asking each other, "...Did you see that too, or are Dr. Crane's drugs messing with our minds?"
  • As Bruce is leaving and Alfred informs him guests will be arriving for his birthday, Bruce asks Alfred to keep them busy until he gets back and with the utmost seriousness: "Tell them that joke you know."
  • When Batman interrogates Flass, after having sent him down and back up to his face, he gives Flass some time to try to explain himself. As he listens, Bats has such an angered, pouting Death Glare that it basically screams "I am NOT in the mood for your bull".

    Lucius Fox 
  • Fox's conversation with Bruce after saving his life following Bruce getting gassed by Crane:
    Lucius Fox: I analyzed your blood, isolating the receptor compounds and the protein-based catalyst.
    Bruce Wayne: Am I meant to understand any of that?
    Lucius Fox: Not at all. I just wanted you to know how hard it was. Bottom line, I synthesized an antidote.
    Bruce Wayne: Could you make more?
    Lucius Fox: You planning on gassing yourself again, Mr. Wayne?
    Bruce Wayne: Well, you know how it is, Mr. Fox. You're out at night, looking for kicks, someone passes around a weaponized hallucinogen…
  • Bruce noticing a vehicle in Fox's garage:
    Bruce Wayne: What's that?
    Lucius Fox: The Tumbler? Oh, you wouldn't be interested in that.
    [Cuts to Bruce driving it on the open floor of a big warehouse, with Fox in the passenger's seat describing the functions]
    Lucius Fox: She was built as a bridging vehicle. During combat, two of these would jump over a river, towing cables. Over here on the throttle, flip that open and throttle up. This will boost you into a rampless jump. [Bruce goes to flip the throttle. The Tumbler accelerates] Not now! Not... not now, sir!
    Tumbler AI: Afterburner disengaged.
    Lucius Fox: We never could get the damn bridge to work, but this baby works just fine.
    [Bruce brings the Tumbler to a stop. He's visibly impressed]
    Lucius Fox: So, what do you think?
    Bruce Wayne: …Does it come in black?

  • "What's the point of all those push-ups if you can't even lift a bloody log?!" In response, Bruce gives Alfred a vaguely disgusted look.
  • The onlookers watching Alfred put an unconscious Rachel in the car.
  • When Alfred is surmising that Bruce's secret identity is to protect the people he knows from his eventual enemies, Bruce responds that he's implying Rachel, while Alfred replies that he was actually thinking about himself.
  • This scene always gets me.
    Alfred: (shatters a sample headpiece with a baseball bat) It's a problem with the graphite, sir. The next 10,000 will be up to specifications.
    Bruce: At least they gave us a discount.
  • As Bruce is heading out just before his guests start arriving: "Tell them that joke you know."
  • Alfred is just full of funny one-liners. When Bruce is first exploring the cave under the mansion:
    Bruce: *shouting across the cavern* Alfred! Come up and see this!
    Alfred: I can see very well from right here, sir, thank you very much!

    James Gordon 
  • This:
    Batman: I need your help.
    Gordon: What do you need?.
    Batman: Can you drive stick?
  • Gordon driving the Tumbler and his inexperience with it clearly showing.
  • On the new Bat Signal (after Falcone was mounted to a searchlight earlier in the film to mimic one):
    Gordon: I couldn't find any mob bosses.

    Henri Ducard 
  • Ducard's incredulous/snarky reaction upon meeting Bruce dressed up as Batman.
    Well, well. You took my advice about theatricality a bit… literally.

  • "Dr. Crane isn't here right now, but if you'd like to make an appointment…"
  • The look on that bystander's face as he comes upon Gordon sitting in the Tumbler, and says, "nice ride," and then sees Gordon promptly blow up a support beam with surface-to-surface missiles.
  • After Falcone's The Reason You Suck speech to Bruce Wayne, he has him thrown out of the bar into the street. The homeless guy waiting there has a brilliant line:
    Homeless Guy: Should've tipped better!
  • The entire car chase scene is outright funny and awesome, especially with the cops participating in it:
    • Leading into the chase:
    James Gordon: [carrying an unconscious Rachel] She's fading! We've gotta go! (Batman walks offscreen with Rachel) I'll get my car.
    Batman: I brought mine!
    James Gordon: Yours?
    [The Tumbler roars to life. It zooms past Gordon, and drives over the hood of a police car, crushing the roof]
    James Gordon: I've gotta get me one of those.
    • The Tumbler then roars across the river with other units in pursuit:
    Cop in Crushed Cruiser: He is in a vehicle!
    Dispatcher: Make and color?
    Cop in Cruiser: It's a black… (looks at his partner, who shrugs "Don't look at me!") …tank.
    • At one point, Batman makes a turn into a parking garage, crashing through the gate. Other police cars follow him in with the parking attendant looking unfazed by the sudden excitement in his night.
    • When he's cornered on the roof, Batman backs the Tumbler into a compact parking space, shoving aside the cars parked on either side of said space.
    • Batman is driving across the roofs while the cops are chasing on the streets below:
    Cop 1: What street is he taking?
    Cop 2: He's not on a street! He's flying on roof tops!
    • A cop in a squad car is yelling through his radio at someone on the other end, for not being able to provide an accurate description of the Tumbler.
      Cop: At least tell me what it looks like.
      [The Tumbler zooms past his car with a roar]
      Cop: …never mind.
    • Bruce sedates Rachel in the Batcave, then heads upstairs, only to get called out by Alfred for his reckless driving:
    Alfred Pennyworth: When you told me your grand plan for saving Gotham, the only thing that stopped me from calling the men in white coats was when you said that it wasn't about thrill-seeking.
    Bruce Wayne: It's not.
    Alfred Pennyworth: What would you call that?
    [points to a TV report showing a helicopter shot of the Tumbler being chased down the freeway by police cars]
    Bruce Wayne: [fixing his tie] Damn good television.
    Alfred Pennyworth: It's a miracle no one was killed.
    Bruce Wayne: I didn't have time to observe the rules of the road, Alfred.
  • This callback:
    • First:
    Earle: [to Lucius Fox] I'm merging your department with Archives, and I am firing you. [beat] Didn't you get the memo?
    • Later at Bruce Wayne's birthday party:
    Earle: [to Bruce] It's a bit technical, but the important thing is that our company's future is secure.
    • Repeat:
    Bruce Wayne: [on the phone] Look, it's all a bit technical, but the important thing is that *my* company's future is secure. [speaks slightly louder] Right, Mr. Fox?
    Lucius Fox: Right you are, Mr. Wayne.
    [turns to Earle, and takes off his glasses]
    • Just the casual way in which Fox tells Earle he's been fired.
    Earle: Fox? I seem to remember firing you.
    Fox: You did. I got another job: yours.
    Earle: On whose authority?
    [Cue Answer Cut to Bruce Wayne reading the newspaper just before an obviously irritated Earle rings his limo's number]