Bruce: More copycats last night, Alfred, with guns.
Alfred: Why don't you hire them, take the weekend off?
Bruce: That wasn't exactly what I had in mind when I said I wanted to inspire people.
Alfred commenting that Bruce's mini-gun isn't loud enough when he's firing it to get a ballistic test.
Right after Harvey comes out of court.
Rachel: The fact they're trying to kill you means we're getting to them.
Harvey: I'm glad you're so pleased Rachel. I'm fine, by the way.
Rachel: Come on, Harvey. You're Gotham's DA. You're not getting shot at, you're not doing your job right.
What the Joker says when he crashes the mobsters' meeting. It says something about the quality of the movie's writing when such a sadistically violent joke can honestly be hilarious.
The Joker:(fake laughter done in deadpan voice) Ah ha ha ha ha, hahaha, ha, ha, ha, oh, a-hee-hee, ha ha, oh, hee ha, ahaha. (returns to normal voice) And I thought my jokes were bad!
Gambol: Give me one reason why I shouldn't have my boy here pull your head off.
The Joker: How 'bout a magic trick? (sticks a HB pencil into the table, point first) I'm gonna make this pencil disappear.
(Gambol's crony stands up and advances on him. In one swift motion the Joker slams the man's head onto the pencil, forcing the entire pencil through his eye socket; the crony collapses to the floor, dead, taking the pencil with him)
The Joker: TA-DA! It's, ah, it's gone. Oh, and by the way, the suit? It wasn't cheap. You oughta know, you bought it!
The way the scene is written out in the screenplay is amusing on its own:
The PENCIL is gone. MAGIC.
The Joker is full of edgy humor. Take the next part of this same scene:
The Joker: Ah-ta-ta-ta! Let's not blow... (opens his jacket, revealing five grenades, all with pins attached together by purple elastic bands and a string around his thumb) ...this all out of proportion.
Gambol: You think you can steal from us and just walk away?!
Gambol: I'm putting the word out: $500 grand for this clown dead, a million alive, so I can teach him some manners first!
The Joker:(looks as if he's about to say something to Gambol, then changes his mind) So - listen, why don't you all give me a call when you want to start taking things a little - more - seriously? Here's - my - card.
(leaves a Joker playing card on the table, and backs out of the room, toying threateningly with the grenade pins)
The Joker criticizing Lau during that same scene:
...and as for the - television's so-called "plan"? Batman has no jurisdiction. He'll find him, and make him squeal! I know a squealer when I see one, and...
(He points at Lau. Lau covers the camera with his hand to signal his departure.)
When The Joker sits down next to Harvey's hospital bed, grins and says "Hiii."
Especially how awkward the grin is. Like, "Yeah, uh, sorry about that whole 'dead girlfriend' thing, that was my bad...are we cool?"
There's also the fact that he makes a "kaboom" sound when he presses the button, complete with sticking his tongue out.
And right before setting off the bombs, the Joker takes the time to stop and apply disinfectant spray from one of those wall-mounted hand pumps ever-so-calmly! I guess Even Evil Has [Proper Hygiene] Standards.
Batman is trying to catch up to the Joker during the chase scene. The camera cuts to two kids sitting in a car in a parking lot, pretending to shoot dumpsters and scrapped cars in front of them. The cars and the dumpsters explode, and Batman zooms past, leaving the kids awestruck.
The part during the chase scene, when the Bat-Cycle and the "(S)LAUGHTER IS THE BEST MEDICINE" truck play chicken.
Joker's henchman: He missed! One second later: The steel line tightens, ripping out lampposts and flipping the truck
Bruce: Today you get to say, "I told you so." Alfred: Today, I...I don't want to. (beat) But I did bloody tell you. I suppose they're going to lock me up as well, as your accomplice. Bruce: Accomplice? I'm going to tell them the whole thing was your idea.
The Joker driving the truck, and just going "I like this job...I LIKE it!"
When the Joker ambushes the convoy, he blocks the road with a fire engine... that is on fire. Afiretruck.
The Joker pushes the killed truck driver out of the driver's seat. "Harvey, Harvey, Harvey Dent! Oh, excuse me! I want to drive!"
The Joker dangles Rachel out the window in front of Batman: "Let her go!"
"Very poor choice of words!"
Two words: "panic room".
When the judge and Loeb are being killed, we see Harvey Dent talking with Rachel at Bruce's fundraiser. As he's just mentioning Bruce's name in response to Rachel having someone else in her life, Bruce suddenly walks up from behind, locks him in a sleeper hold, and drags him into another room. He has a reason, but still.
Maroni: From one professional to another: if you're going to scare somebody, pick a better spot; from this height, the fall wouldn't kill me. Batman: I'm counting on it. (drops him)
The Joker: Could you please just give me a minute?!
I was left doubled over laughing at the beginning, when the banker starts shooting at the clowns with his Sawed-Off Shotgun.
Bank Manager: You have any idea of who you're stealing from?! You and your friends are dead!
Grumpy: [to Bozo] He's out (of ammo), right? [Bozo pauses, then nods assuredly) [Grumpy jumps up, and the banker shoots at him, nicking him in the shoulder, then runs out of ammo. Grumpy: (muffled) What the fuck?! Bozo leaps out of hiding and shoots the manager with his machine pistol. Grumpy: (pops up, pissed) Where did you learn to count?!
Grumpy unloading the money bags:
Happy: They wired this [vault door] thing up, with like, 5,000 volts. What kind of bank does that?
Grumpy: A mob bank. I guess the Joker's as crazy as they say. Where's the alarm guy?
Happy: Boss told me when the guy was done, I should take him out. [spins the rotating handle] One less share, right? [The vault opens]
Grumpy:[draws a pistol] Funny. He told me something similar!
Happy:[turns around] What, no-no-NO-! [Cuts to Bozo in the lobby with the sound of a gunshot]
Grumpy and Bozo are placing the money bags by the door:
Grumpy: That's a lot of money. If this Joker guy was so smart, he'd have had us bring a better car. [He cocks his pistol and trains it at Bozo] Grumpy: I'm bettin' the Joker told you to kill me as soon as we loaded the cash. Bozo: [sighs and checks his watch] No. No, no, no. I kill the bus driver. [edges off to one side] Grumpy: [confused] Bus driver? [Bozo glares at him]What bus dri-[The back end of a school bus bursts through the doors and crushes him] Bus Driver:[jumps out the emergency exit door] School's out! Time to go. That guy's not gettin' up, is he? [He and Bozo toss the money bags into the back of the bus] That's a lot of money. [He looks around the lobby, noticing none of the other clowns] Bus Driver: What happened to the rest of the guys? [Bozo shoots him with his machine pistol without looking back, then wraps up loading the money]
The Joker randomly grabbing the prawn sticks and champagne glass, spilling 75% of the champagne before half-assedly knocking it back, at the party.
75%? It looked like there was practically nothing left in the glass.
And as for the prawn stick, he doesn't eat the prawn, but only the little decorative flower on top of the stick.
What makes it even better is the "Oh Crap, he's right" look that appears on Reese's face while Fox is talking.
The exchange when Alfred finds Bruce stitching up his wounds after his encounter with the Scarecrow and the dogs.
Alfred: Did you get mauled by a tiger? Bruce: It was a dog. Alfred: Huh? Bruce: It was a big dog!
Batman captures Lau in Hong Kong, and as he's being airlifted, we cut to Gordon and Ramirez finding him on the steps of his building, unconscious. On his chest is a shipping label that reads "Please Deliver to Lieutenant Gordon".
The Joker gets rid of Gambol. "So, which of you fine gentlemen would like to join our team? Oh. There's only one spot open right now, so we're gonna have... [breaks pool cue in two] tryouts."
After Dent's bust:
Judge Surrilo: ...712 counts of extortion, 849 counts racketeering, 246 counts of fraud, 87 counts conspiracy of murder, [flips over a Joker playing card in the paperwork], 527 counts of obstruction of justice... [looks up at courtroom crammed with giant mob of indictees] ...how do the defendants plead? Army of defense lawyers: NOT GUILTY!
The hopelessly confused look the stenographer gives sells the scene. Cuing a scene of the mayor chewing Harvey Dent out for his risky move:
Mayor Anthony Garcia: 549 criminals at once. How did you convince Surillo to hear this farce?
Harvey Dent: She shares my enthusiasm for justice. After all, she is a judge.
Mayor Anthony Garcia: Well even if you're able to blow enough smoke to get convictions out of Surillo, you're going to set a new record at appeals for quickest kick in the ass!
Harvey Dent: It won't matter. The head guys make bail, sure... but the mid-level guys, they can't, and they can't afford to be off the streets long enough for trial and appeal. They'll cut deals that include *some* jail time. Think of all you could do with 18 months of clean streets. [awkward silence]
Commissioner Gillian Loeb: Mr. Mayor, you can't-
Mayor Anthony Garcia: You can get up. Both of you. [Gordon and Loeb depart] Sit down.
[Dent sits down]
Mayor Anthony Garcia: The public likes you. That's the only reason this might fly. But that means it's on you. They're all coming after you now. Not just the mob: politicians. Journalists. Cops. Anyone whose wallet's about to get lighter. Are you up to it?
Mayor Anthony Garcia: You better be. They get anything back on you, those criminals will be back on the streets... [he walks over to the window and looks out on the Chicago River] ...followed swiftly by you and me. [a dead Batman imposter in Joker makeup, with the sides of his mouth sliced into a grin, bangs into the window, causing the mayor to jump back, startled]
The interrogation scene:
[Batman slams the Joker's head into the table] Joker: Never start with the head! The victim gets all... fuzzy. He can't feel the next... [Batman smashes the Joker's hand; Joker pauses for effect] Joker: You see?
The scene in which Batman tries to get Maroni to rat out the Joker and Maroni, while refusing to spill the beans, lets slip how he really feels about the Joker (i.e. he doesn't like that clown).
Batman:Where is he? Maroni: I don't know where he is, he found us. Batman: He must have friends. Maroni:Friends? Have you met this guy?
The difference between you and the Batman is that HE'S NOT WEARING HOCKEY PADS!!!!!
Crane's briefly-seen "you just got told" glance at the Batman impersonator makes this even more priceless.
And just prior to that bit, when Batman tells the impersonator that "I don't need help.":
Crane: (Deadpan) Not my diagnosis.
Harvey mentioning that he'll be taking Rachel to a ballet.
Rachel: Harvey's taking me next week.
Bruce: Oh. (to Harvey) So, you like ballet."
Causes a Brick Joke: later, Bruce and Alfred are going over plans for Bruce's trip to Hong Kong to capture Lau. Bruce asks if Alfred has an alibi in mind, and Alfred says, "Oh yes." Cut to Harvey and Rachel showing up at the opera house, only to find the box office shuttered. Taped in the ticket window is a newspaper article with Bruce Wayne's photo, headlined "Love Boat: Billionaire Absconds With Entire Russian Ballet."
You see Rachel then shake her head, amused, as if to say, "Oh, Bruce...."
Cut then to Bruce's seaplane splashing down while Bruce sits on the deck of his boat, with a bunch of tanning Russian ballerinas:
Alfred Pennyworth: I believe this is your plane, sir!
Bruce Wayne: You look tired, Alfred. Will you be all right without me? [Alfred turns, noticing a ballerina gesturing to him with her sunscreen bottle]
Alfred Pennyworth: If you can tell me the Russian for "Apply you own bloody suntan lotion."
Knowing The Joker, He probably did peel vegetables just to fuck with someone's mind.
During the Hospital scene, there is a moment where Joker can't remember Rachel's name. Dent SCREAMS it at him, and the Joker just jumps in his chair and looks as though Harvey's completely overreacting to this whole murdered-his-fiancée thing.
During The Joker's interrogation:
Lt. James Gordon: Harvey Dent never made it home.
The Joker: Of course not.
Lt. James Gordon: What have you done with him?
The Joker: Me? I was right here. [holds up his arms in handcuffs] Who did you leave him with? Your people? Assuming, of course, they are still your people, and not Maroni's. Does it depress you, commissioner? To know just how alone you really are? Does it make you feel responsible for Harvey Dent's current predicament?
Lt. James Gordon: Where is he?
The Joker: What's the time?
Lt. James Gordon: What difference does that make?
The Joker: Well, depending on the time, he could be in one place...or several.
The Joker clapping after Gordon is promoted to commissioner. This was ad-libbed by Heath Ledger.
The start of the movie during the deal with the Scarecrow and the Mafia. The Mafia guys bring dogs to detect Batman and they spot one of the impostors dressing as him. That is, until the guy starts shooting.
Scarecrow: That's not him.
(The real Batman show up in his tumbler)
Scarecrow: That's more like it.
Murphy's Law kicking in during the convoy scene when the SWAT member tells Harvey Dent that the Joker will need something stronger than a machine pistol or a shotgun to stop the armored truck.
Most of reactions the SWAT officer riding shotgun has to what's happening. It's like if you put a real person into the kind of crap that happens in Gotham on a routine basis. The awesome is how the driver stays calm and completely silent even when the Joker is raking the truck with a machine pistol and making evasive moves to avoid the Tumbler. Fridge Brilliance kicks in once we learn that Gordon is the driver.
This little bit of dialogue between Alfred and Harvey at the fundraiser party:
Harvey: Any psychotic ex-boyfriends I should be aware of?
Alfred: Oh, you have no idea.
Another at the start during the Mafia/Scarecrow scene when the Batmobile busts in. The thugs shoot at it and stop when they get no response. It shifts inside to show its on automatic with the setting on "Loiter" after a minute it switches to "Intimidate" and opens fire on the thugs. Just the way its set up along with the timing is hilarious.
After Harvey Dent has experienced Batman's trademark Stealth Hi/Bye routine for the first time: