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Funny: Archer
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    Season 1 
  • "Hi, I'm a huge fan of cock and my name is..." "...Cyril Figgis"
    • "Holy shit, our security is atrocious."
  • "Just the tip!"
  • At the climax of the first episode, imagining his mother dead and what his life would be like without her gives Archer an erection in the middle of a standoff with the villain.
    • And, immediately afterwards:
    Malory:*smacking Archer with her wallet* An erection!? The thought of me dead gives you an erection!?!?
    Archer: No, just half of one! The other half would have really missed you!
  • "YOU GAVE LANA HERPES!?"
    • And Carol overhears.
    • "And also... dealbreaker."
      • "Deal un-breaker."
  • "Shoot! Shoot, bitch! DEMOCRACY IS AT STAKE!"
    • And later:
    Archer: Oh my god, you killed a hooker!
    Cyril: Call girl, she was a —
    • And again:
    Cyril: You and your stupid mother and her stupid frothing loins...
  • Killing Utne: "What, [Woodhouse] thinks he's people!"
    • When the Germans realize that Archer was there there we get this flashback with what implied is Russian Roulette
    Archer: Oh my God. (Sees that everyone around the table is dead) I can't believe they fell for that.
    • Krieger: I call him Fister Roboto.
      • But he doesn't just fist!
      • And the best thing is he's learning.
  • Skytanic: "'B,' as in 'butthole,' and 'M,' as in 'mancy!'"
    • Followed by Ray's outraged Big "WHAT?!".
    • And the following meta gem:
    Lana: CAPtain LAMMers!?
    Archer: Nice read, Velma.
  • Most of Krieger's lines while he's avoiding work in "Skorpio":
    • "I'm sorry, your authority is not recognized in FORT KICKASS!"
    • "I guess I was too busy fantasizing about Archer and Lana having intercourse!!!"
    • "The secret ingredient is phone."
    • [The powder I'm snorting is]"Mostly MSG."
    • "Every noun and verb in that sentence totally arouses me!"
    • "Get him out of here, because these corporate bag-munchers owe me six hundred and thirty dollars for my goddamn FLEX ACCOUNT!"
  • Another Danger Zone reference. After Conway gets away, stabbing Archer in the back (literally) in the process, as Lana's informing him:
    Lana: Whoever he is, he ghosted an ID file onto our world-wide database.
    Archer: Which you probably found while researching me...
    Lana: *sigh*
    Archer: Lana 'cause you're in the uh... Danger Zoooone! *cough from weakness*
    Lana: And those were his last words, as he bled to death on the rug.
  • In "The Rock," after Cheryl reminds everyone that Mallory killed the cleaning ladies after they tried to unionise and proclaims "no union!", Krieger responds with "Confederacy forever!"
  • In "Honeypot", this exchange between Malory and Major Jakov:
    Malory: Wait, you set this whole thing up so I would have to move in with you and your mother?!
    Malory: And that makes it better?
    Jakov: ...doesn't it?
  • "Hey, it's not my fault the Pope won't let me wear a condom!"
    Malory: Well why don't you wear a vasectomy?
    Archer: Oh come on! Don't you want a grandkid?
    Malory: If I did, I'd just scoop all your previous mishaps into one big pile and knit it a onesie!
    Archer: ...Jesus Christ.
  • Archer's over-the-top Camp Gay stereotype in "Honey Pot". Got dick?
    • "Or are you literally just asking if I have a penis?"
  • Archer's treatment of the man smoking the cigar in "Skytanic."
    "Want to blow us all to shit?"
    "Hey! What are you doing?" (slap) "Here!" (stuffs a wad of money down his throat) "Go buy a nicotine patch!" (shoves him off his feet)
  • When Archer is trying to teach Cyril how to be a secret agent:
    Cyril: But when would you use an underwear gun?
    Archer: Hopefully never. But say you're in a Caribbean bungalow and you're kinda high. An exotic woman on the bed... Now is she just the high-priced whore you asked for or is she... an assassin!
    Cyril: I don't know, I...
    Archer: Oh, here's room service! Who ordered champagne?
    Cyril: Uh, how should I know?
    Archer: Exactly, you're baked, you can't remember! But since when does it take three huge, surly Jamaican guys to deliver one bottle of champagne!
    Cyril: Aah, because they're assassins too!
    Archer: Or! Maybe one guy's a new waiter, the second one's training him and the third's from maintenance finally off his lazy ass to fix the AC!
    Cyril: Oh. Yeah, I guess that could happen...
    Archer: Point is, you come out of the john waving this around (lifts up the gun), nobody's gonna bug you for a tip.
  • Cyril sneaks onto the Skytanic because he is concerned about Lana cheating on him with Archer. Meanwhile, Archer and Lana are arguing about their genitals.
    Lana: "Unkempt bush!? My vulva is smoother than a VEAL CUTLET!"
    *Lana opens the door to find Cyril*
    Lana: With terrible timing.
  • Malory's increasingly defensive remarks re: moving and leaving Archer alone on Christmas
    Malory: Eve! It was only Christmas Eve.
  • There's a version of the pilot episode on the DVD where Archer is replaced by a velociraptor. Its exactly as silly as it sounds.
  • The aftermath of the Lana/Archer/Skorpio three-way, complete with chocolate boob-prints on the wall behind the bed.
    Archer: That...got a little dark.
  • And this exchange in the middle of a firefight with arms dealers:
    Archer: Lana, your eyes are amazing.
    Lana: Archer...
    Archer: I mean not compared to your tits, but... *Lana shoots him in the foot*
  • Diversity Hire again:
    Archer: What? You're black...ish.
    Lana: Ish?!
    Archer: Well, what's the word for it, Lana? You freaked out when I said 'quadroon.'
    Malory: Both of you, imagine shutting up!
  • Archer's inadvertent taunting of Barry after having sex with his girlfriend in "Job Offer".
    Archer: Seriously, I must reek of her. Here, can you smell her on me?
    • "That chick was like, the Pele of anal."
  • This exchange:
    Lana: We'll never catch him in this thing!
    Archer: Maybe you should have thought of that before you blew the damn drop!
    Lana: I blew Jack Shit!
    Archer: Name dropper!
  • "It's only you that beats you, buddy."
  • Diversity Hire:
    Archer: He touched my penis. With his penis.
    Pam: Wow.
    Archer: Yeah, he just went up to me and was all, "bwoop!"
    Pam: Where?
    Archer: Everything, head and shaft. (beat) Oh, you mean "where" in the building?
    • Later, when the incident comes up again.
    Lana: Have you noticed anything weird about Conway Stern?
    Archer: Other than the fact that he's not circumcised?
    Lana: Wow. Okay. Glossing over how you know that—
    Archer: We touched penises.
    Lana: NO! GLOSSING!
    • And again...
    Lana: An uncircumcised Jewish guy? That doesn't seem weird to you?
    Archer: Well, I'm not Jewish and I am circumcised, so it can go the other way around.
    Lana: It doesn't work like that.
    Archer: Lana. Come on. I think we both know it works fine.
    Lana: Aw, come on! Not your dick, dumbass!
  • "Immigrants, that's how they do y'know! Driving around, blasting all the raps and shooting all the jobs!"
  • "What do we want? UNFAIR! When do we want it? CHANGE!!"

    Season 2 
  • Krieger and LSD. That is all.
    • Pam acting Jamaican.
    Racist.
    • "All I want is this lettuce and his brother!"
  • Mandingo 2: The Enslavening
  • Krieger's virtual girlfriend and the Planet of the Apes reference right after said "girl" is on-screen.
  • The episode where Pam is kidnapped. Archer talks with the kidnappers talking on a voice modulator, and hangs up because he thinks they're cyborgs. Then, Cyril kidnaps Cheryl and tries to hold her for ransom. When Lana walks in on him, he pretends to have phone sex. And then we hear it modulated. Malory then traces the call... to Cyril's office and runs off after Lana and says, "They were calling from this floor!"
    • From the same episode, Pam trolling her captors by snarking at the torturer's weak attempts to put her in pain.
  • "Immigrants, with their lowriders, full of free healthcare and snow.
  • "Why was I dressed as Hitler?"
  • "How hard is it to poach a goddamn egg?...Seriously, Woodhouse, that's like Eggs 101."
  • "I've never seen an ocelot! . . . Holy shit, you guys, look at his little spots! . . . look at his tufted ears!"
  • Krieger's explanation as to why he can't shut down the computer.
    Malory: Just turn off the mainframe.
    Lana: (holds up an unplugged power cord) Yeah, we tried that.
    Malory: Then how is it still on?
    Krieger: Because the worm has turned the mainframe...into a sentient being.
    (dramatic musical sting)
    Malory: What?
    Krieger: I'm kidding. There's a battery backup.
  • "Oh my God! You've never even SEEN a Wilhelm!"
  • From Placebo Effect
    • "RAMPAGE!"
    • "Well, excuse me, Lana. It's a rampage!"
    • Archer interrogating the Irish mob about fake cancer medication in the style of a Family Feud-like show. Only the bad answers are awarded with a shotgun blast to the kneecap.
      • That whole scene was priceless. From "these potato heads are the unsexiest mob ever" to "cock-flavored spit" to whether or not the Honduran janitors can speak Portuguese.
    • Archer interrogating a mob boss by sticking a grenade up his ass:
    Lana: Wait, you're just gonna leave him with a grenade stuck up his ass?!
    Archer: Yes, Lana, I'm on a rampage! And also kidding, it's a smoke grenade.
    Mob Boss: Oh thank Go-
    (cue grenade exploding, knocking Archer and Lana out the door)
  • Cheryl's explanation of her being a Tunt
    Cheryl: I spent, like, every summer there listening to my creepy great-grandmother bitch about Abraham Lincoln. Beat Apparently, slavery was pretty awesome.
    Malory: Prove it.
    Archer: What's to prove? It's free labor.
    Malory: Not that, ass!
  • Archer's reaction to finding out that Woodhouse helped Malory give birth to him:
    Archer: Oh my God! You saw Mother's...VAGINA?! *throws up*
  • Malory talking to Lana and Pam about her mammogram results, and how there might be something there. She then asks them not to have it spread around the office...only for Pam to be texting the office already. She states that gossip is like a disease, and returns to texting, only for Malory to call her out again. Pam asks if she knows what "disease" means, then remembers she might have breast cancer. Refuge in Audacity even for this show.
    Malory: The last thing I need is this spreading like...Pam, what the hell!
  • This exchange from “Stage Two”
    Archer: Lana, I'm in love with you
    Lana: You are also shitfaced.
    Archer: Can't I be both?
  • Ray: "Here, hold this."
    Archer: "Thanks Ray, but I'm not thirst-"
    SMACK!
    Ray: "Here, hold these."
    Archer: "Ray, I said I'm not thir-"
    PUNCH! PUNCH!
  • The enforced Fridge Horror that Ray inflicts on Archer in "A Going Concern", while Archer's dealing with his mother's toy.
    Ray: Try to think about something else... like how there's no sink in there.
    Archer: So what if there's nooOH MY GOD! There's no sink!
  • From the same episode, Krieger explaining how you shouldn't even touch the LSD strips... before proceeding to do so himself.
    Krieger: Lysergic Acid is absorbed right through the skin. Even the tip of your fing-uh-oh.
  • Ever wondered what Archer would be like if he had the face of his voice actor? Wonder no more.
  • The "Benoit balls" Running Gag in "Jeu Monegasque".
  • "You colossal FUCKING idiot."
  • Krieger's van.
    Malory: I swear, if anyone saw me in this awful van....
    Lana: How could they, with this illegal-ass window tint? Dude, this van is like rolling probable cause.
    Malory: So all ashore from the SS Date Rape!
    Ray: Toot-toot!
  • GOOOOOOOAAAAATLYYYY
  • The ridiculously Overly-Long Gag and Crosses The Line Four Times phone call Archer gets revolving around his breast cancer. This utterly inept doctor (who's only really interested in scoring with Malory) keeps calling Archer to inform him there's been a mistake and that he's cancer-free/going to die. Archer undergoes a complete personality change each time and by the time the final call comes in everyone just stares at the phone in horror.

    Season 3 
  • This exchange in part 2 of "Heart of Archness"
    Bucky: We hold election for king! (pronounced "erection")
    Archer: That's flattering, but not really necessary.
  • When Gillete and Lana are on a rented boat going to rescue Archer, Gillete is getting a manicure from a man-servant.
    Gillete: Look at him! He is lithe. You know they asked if I wanted to buy him outright. But then I thought ...
    Lana: You thought what, Ray? You thought that maybe because of my racial background I might just have an issue with someone owning another human being?
    Gillete: Actually, I just thought I'd probably get bored with him.
  • "Kuriga-san! You promised!!" A Brick Joke and near-throwaway line in the Season 2 finale, when Krieger's "virtual girlfriend" inexplicably returns. The Funny Moment is from watching "Tragical History" earlier in the season, when we learn that the virtual girlfriend was so lifelike that the state of New York allowed Krieger the right to marry "her". This plan was halted (for now) when Lana smashed Krieger's projector, so it was a big surprise to see her "return".
  • A naked Carol, and near naked Gillete rolling into Malory's office, after a really bad experience with a urine test cheating drug.
    Carol: That’s our pee and that’s the last I better hear about it because this stupid building is a tinderbox, and I will burn it to the ground.
  • "BABOU, SERPENTINE!"
    • "He remembers me!"
  • At the very end of "The Limited," after the ocelot pissed on Archer's torn and bloodied suit:
    Archer: "No, Babou. That was all sarcasm."
    Babou: [growls]
    Archer: "YES! ALL OF IT! YOU FOX-EARED ASSHOLE!
  • "Lo Scandalo." The dinner party. All of it.
    Lana: Especially given the circumstances leading up to his death, which were —
    Archer: Dildo-y.
    Lana: Unseemly.
    Archer: Eh. Potato, po-dildo.
    • Malory's conversation with her building's super:
    Mr. Earley: It's just at Christmas, the tenants usually give me a small consideration for the work all year I do keeping up the building. We surely count on it ma'am, especially this year as we've had more than the usual medical bills.
    Malory: Your point being?
    Mr. Earley: It's just that, for the third year running, you give me a potato.
    • The "eeeeee-legant dinner pah-ty" scene. Especially Cheryl, seeing as she actually is rich...
      • And Lana, who ends up having to play the maid (using Mallory's French Maid Outfit, which she keeps for "special occasions").
    Detective: We got a tip that there'd been a murder up here.
    Archer: Good heavens! A murder? Well, apart from this sullen wench murdering good etiquette, I— Ow!
    (Lana nerve-pinches him)
    Archer: —find the...very...suggestion...laughable...
  • "Well, hello there, game changer."
  • Archer: How did you get so good at that?
    Archer: I hope to god that's not relevant.
  • So much from "Drift Problem"
    Malory: Who taught you to drive?
    Cheryl: Just this guy I know called my dead father!
    (Malory starts stammering)
    Cheryl: *smirking* Yeah, I'll bet you feel like a dick.
    • Archer shrieking with joy when he sees his new car comes with a bar.
    • Malory slaps Cheryl to get her to tell her where Archer is:
    Cheryl: Ow!...you got another one in ya?
    • While Krieger is giving Archer the tour of the car's features:
    Krieger: ...press that red button...
    Archer: Wait, is it going to kill everyone?
    Krieger: [beat] ...press that blue button...
  • "You killed a black astronaut! That's like killing a unicorn!"
  • Barry trying to taunt Archer into coming out of the sealed spaceship to fight him in a power-loader, even going so far as to start doing a robo-dance in said power-loader.
    • "Domo arigato Archer roboto!"
  • This extange from Skin Game
    Krieger: "I'm not a...serial killer."
    Archer: "Wait, why did you emphasize the 'serial'?"
    • This other extange shortly afterwards
    Archer is hugging Cyborg!Katya before noticing Krieger.
    Archer: Krieger! Why do you have an erection right now ?
    Krieger: (whiping a tear from his eye) I'm so happy.
  • Cheryl trying to kill and prepare a chicken:
    Cheryl: So is there like, special chicken shaving cream or...
    Ray: First of all, that is a rooster!
    Cheryl: Yeah, like Kenny Rogers Roosters.
    Ray: ROASTERS!
  • Pam hiding in the bathroom stall.
    *Pam eavesdrops*
    Lana: God damn it.
    Pam: What? You should have looked under the stalls!
    Lana: I did! Wait- I did.
    Pam: Yeah, I usually rest my legs on the grab bars.
    Malory: *bursting in* WHY is it... that every time I need to use the restroom, you people are skulking around looking guilty?
    Pam: Uhhhh... *Ducks down in the stall where there is a mural of spray paint*
    Malory: ...And why does it always reek of paint?!
    • This was a quick one, but when Barry shows up at ISIS HQ, during the lockdown you can see that someone gang-tagged the metal exterior with spray paint. And then you realize it says "Pam."
  • Cheryl proclaiming herself Queen of Mars while dressed in tubing from the space shuttle.
  • "Where are you going?" "Um this place called 'to kill Barry!'"
  • "Are you trying to get my mother into the Million-Mile-High Club?"
  • When Burt Reynolds sees Krieger's virtual girlfriend, his deadpan delivery on "Is that a ghost?"
  • Cheryl: My great-grandpa was nuts for skating. That, and the Klan.

    Season 4 
  • The beginning of season 4, which is a big crossover with another show. Archer suffers from amnesia, and thinks he runs a burger joint with a wife, a son, and 2 daughters, and he believes his name to be Bob. Yes, that Bob.
  • "Lana, I will hire Kenny Loggins to come here and play an acoustic set while I slap some sense into you.."
    • Compounded later in the episode with Archer's acoustic "Danger Zone" ringtone.
  • The end of "The Wind Cries Mary," where, after Archer's friend and former ISIS agent confessed that he did something sexual to Archer (what exactly isn't known, but Archer was passed out on mama-whamma and it involved Al Green music and suntan oil) during their mission in the Caribbean, it cuts to a stunned and disturbed Archer, Lana, and Cyril in the car, driving in silence.
    • And when Archer see's Cyril's orange snow clothes on the ground
    Archer: Okay, so...really don't know what to make of that. Unless...(Looks around) Wait, no, no. Get it out of your head. Predator only hunts in tropical jungles...I assume...and desperately hope.
  • Sterling's little "bonding experience" with his step-father.
    Ron: This isn't exactly 'clean money'.
    Archer: [in the same tone, with the same finger quotes] 'No shit'.
    • Also Sterling's explination of the butterfly effect.
    Archer: The butterfly Effect, ya know? A Butterfly in Africa lands on a Giraffe's nose, the Giraffe sneezes, that spooks a Gazelle, the Gazelle bonks into a Rhinoceros and the Rhinoceros blindly stampedes into a phone booth, calls New York somehow and says "Hey, go kill this idiot Ron, for a suitcase!", cause the Rhinoceros speaks English!!!
  • "Cyril Figgis strikes again!"
  • When Archer tries to stop Krieger from helping Barry leave the space station (who wanted to see a robot fight).
    Archer: Krieger! Why is Barry rocketshipping away from the freaking space station?!?'''
    Krieger: Because... Newton's First Law of Motion?
    Krieger's Virtual Girlfriend: Oooohhh... Degrasse Tyson-san...
  • "I have to stop Krieger from building a gay Terminator!" Equally hilarious both with and without context.
  • Archer's dad might be Buck Henry.
  • Archer: You have bionic legs, and you lift with your back!?
  • Archer hallucinates Cyril and Ray as alligators. Exactly as insane as it sounds.
    • Also from that same hallucinatory trip:
    Archer looks around at the Turkmenistania natives pointing machine guns at them, still tripping on cobra-venom.
    Keels over.
    • The many uses of the phrase "gurp gork."
    • Cheryl's impression of an AT-AT.
  • "GIMP SUIT! REMEMBER THE GIMP SUIT!"
  • Malory once again calling in a fake threat, this time for seats at a fancy restaurant.
    • The chef at said restaurant was voiced by ANTHONY BOURDAIN. Every line out of his mouth was a howler.
    • Also the Running Gag with Archer dropping one of the large cooking bowls, then allowing it to spin down completely before saying anything.
    • Cyril and the sheep heads.
      Archer: He's in the walk-in, crying like a child. *cut to Cyril doing just that.*
    • The Bastard Chef promo. It's a accurate Hells Kitchen parody except for food being thrown at the chefs, chefs being chased with a clever, drinking in the kitchen, a knife stabbing the wall...no pretty accurate.
  • Malory's ever-present frustration with her employees.
    Malory: I should just have nerve gas pumped through the vents.
    Krieger: Just say the word.
    Lana: Holy shit! There are actually nerve gas canisters in here!
    Mallory: I've told you that.
    Lana: I thought you were joking!
    Mallory: What's funny about nerve gas?
  • Pam humping her lunch to bug Cyril. Then she drops it, picks it back up, and keeps doing it.
  • Lana and Archer, hanging off the side of a skyscraper, discussing his screwed-up priorities.
    Archer: Lana! Lana! PHONE!
    Lana: Did you seriously climb all the way up here just to see what my bonus is?!
    Archer: 'No, I sarcastically climbed up here to see what your bonus is!' he said, sarcastically. Phone!
  • "Relax, it's North Korea, the nation-state equivalent of the short bus."
  • Pam's field agent training. Highlights include:
    • Taking the test in a "Sterile" environment. Translation: Buck naked.
    Pam: What? Punk ass bitches.
    • Beating the ever loving snot out of Cyril, Krieger, and Ray.
    Krieger: And that goes on for another soul cleaving 38 minutes.
    Ray: Of which you were there for 2.
    • "Three!"
    • And Mallory dismissing it as "beating up a nerd, a Nazi, and the Queen of the Robots."
  • "The Papal Chase". The whole damn thing.
    • Pam and Cheryl gasping whenever they cuss around the priests/cardinals
    • "Your Italian is, how you say, shit?"
    • The Pope looks exactly like Woodhouse
    • Pam getting a huge mirror to check the Pope's breath and accidentally drops it on him
      Pam: JESUS CHRIST I'M GOING TO HELL! I'M GOING TO HELL
    • Lana realizing that the bad guy hire them to protect the pope is BECAUSE of ISIS' reputation of being a bad spy agency. Lana tells Pam to not tell Malory about this. Guess what happens at the end.
      PAM!
    • When Woodhouse is brought along to impersonate the pope he first rushes off to shoot up, then again to be with it enough for the mission.
Lana: And with the weather, and you may need an umbrella because it's going to be raining. Dead ass popes.
  • In "The Honeymooners" when Cyril takes on a North Korea gang with a fire extinguisher:
    Lana: I'm coming, Cyril!
    Archer: Lana, wait! Bet that's the first time you've said that!
  • "Sea Tunt"
    • The various characters discussing Cheryl's insanity
    • Cheryl can hear the background music
      Cheryl: Just try to ignore it… it’s non-diagetic.
      ...
      Cheryl: SHUT UP JOHN WILLIAMS
    • Pam continues eating the vegan crab and shrimp despite being really allergic to soy
    • Malory orders Cyril and Ray to find Cecil's recordings and leave Pam to die of anaphylactic shock:
      Malory: And why are you still standing there? Go!
      Cyril: But what about Pam?
      Malory: I'll buy you a new one!
    • Captain Murphy dying by being trapped under a soda machine in a Call Back to Sealab 2021
  • Ray getting paralyzed again. Temporarily, though, since it was just his CPU getting short circuited.
    • Earlier, Archer tricking him into shaving his mustache off.
  • Krieger modding ISIS guns...while higher than a kite and air-drumming to "Tom Sawyer".
  • Cheryl thinking she was in Opposite World in "Viscous Coupling".
  • In "Coyote Lovely", when Archer is talking to the border patrol (who claim they protect America from terrorists) while in a station wagon full of illegal immigrants from Mexico:
    Archer: These people aren't — I mean, not to sound racist, but we all know who the terrorists are.
    Lupe: Los musulmanes. [Muslims]
    Archer: Lupe, come on, you're in America now, you just imply it.
  • When Archar catches Lana with Cyril he eventually guesses he wants revenge for the scotch, leading to this exchange.
    Archer: Seriously it kind of comes and goes.
    Lana: Well thanks to you I didn't get to do the former, now we are doing the latter.

    Season 5 

  • With the reveal that the guys that were attacking the ISIS group being FBI, Malory walked out of her office annoyed and said this is her second worst birthday
    Archer: How is this better than your second fake fiftieth!?
  • When the main character all talk about what they would do now that they were losing their jobs and had to get new ones. Best moment of that meeting was arguably Cyril saying he wouldn’t want to go back to his accounting job, to which Archer replied, “especially after mother gives you a shitty reference. Mother, do that.”
  • Cyril, Krieger, Cheryl, Pam, and Ray all ratting on ISIS to get non-existent immunity. Highlights of which include:
    • "And I think there was something about throwing a bone in me,"
    • "Is it murder if they were my own clones? I'm seriously asking," and
    • "I wanna say... Burt Reynolds?"
  • Archer and Lana fighting, ending with this gem.
    Archer: Miss "My-Baby-Is-From-A-Sperm-Bank" because I can't keep a man, because, in addition to my million other neuroses, I HAVE A WEIRD SHAPED VAGINA!"
  • And right after that, when she and Archer are having it out, she tells him "There is no we! Well, there's this we!" and points a loaded gun at her pregnant stomach.
  • Malory's response to Lana's hypothetical proposition on what to do with the literal, not figurative, ton of cocaine.
    Lana: So, what, we form a cartel?
    Malory: Well, how hard can it be? I mean-
    Lana: Don't.
    Malory: -If Mexicans can do it?
  • From "Archer Vice: A Kiss While Dying":
    Malory: God, how I envy the deaf.
    • The reveal that Cheryl is actually a great singer/guitar-player when she thinks no one watching, was due Kreiger’s numerous camera (The one not in the bathrooms or swimming pool.)
    • Not even two days into their activities as a cartel, and Pam's already addicted to cocaine... By eating it. The latter point of which is lampshaded during the episode.
    Charles: How can you eat a pound of cocaine and not be dead?
    Pam: I've actually never felt better. (belch) I hope that lasts.
    • Say nothing of her antics whilest high as a kite on the stuff.
    • Lana running while pregnant to help Archer:
    Lana (clutching tummy while running): Sorry baby, sorry baby, sorry baby, sorry baby, sorry baby-!
    Pam (in the background): LANAAAA! Get cocaine!!
    After reaching the door, about to bust it in.
    Lana (to the baby): You name it, kid. (panting) Savings bond, a puppy, breastfeed ya senseless.
  • From "Archer Vice: A Debt of Honor:
    • After being in a full body cast made of cocaine Pam is seriously addicted to it. To the point where when Archer threatens her at gunpoint to stop she pretty much buries her head in the bag of coke she has to eat as much of it as she can, as fast as she can.
    • When Malory calls Pam "Coke-ie Monster."
    • When Cyril asks just where in Cheryl's mansion he'll be able to lock up what remains of the cocaine:
    Archer: Cyril, look around! Somewhere in this mansion, I have to assume, is a gigantic Scrooge McDuckian vault!
    • When it turns out there is no such vault in Cheryl's mansion, Archer postulates "an old-timey gymnasium full of Indian clubs and medicine balls"... Which, it turns out, there is, as they cut to Woodhouse in one such gymnaisum, dressed in old-style wrestling spandex, and currently trapped under a medicine ball.
    • When Pam reveals she's had a threesome with yakuza thugs (one being an old man named "ojii-san", which is Japanese for "grandfather"):
    Archer: Jesus, can the mind vomit?
    After a cutaway reveals a picture of naked Pam with whipped cream on her breasts and nether regions...
    Archer: Ugh, yes, the mind can in fact vomit!
    • When the yakuza come knocking for Pam:
    Woodhouse (still trapped): Dear God! Telephone clanging away, and me trapped! It's a good servant's worst nightmare!! I don't see how this could possibly get any wor- (Doorbell rings) Oh.
    • Krieger mistakes the two yakuza at the door for Chinese guys from a take out place, only for his Virtual Girlfriend to take offense when Malory corrects him:
    Krieger: Oh for-! I don't get all pissy every time you mistake a Dutchman for a Swed! Either time that happened.
  • From Archer Vice: House Call:
    • Cyril's presentation visual aides, and half the gang's assumptions they're penis' (they're supposed to be thermometers).
    • Archer eating Pam's cocaine in a yogurt cup, and his horrified expression upon believing that's actually what yogurt's made of.
    Archer: Oh my God! And little kids eat it?
    Cyril: How do you not know the different types of porn?
    Archer: Because I have sex with actual women, Cyril! My girlfriend's not equal parts the Internet, a tube of Kentucky Jelly, self-loathing, and a sock!
    Lana: That's tight enough! We're not making tit-bondage porn!
    Archer: That's a thing?
    Cyril: Oh yeah.
    Malory (disgusted): Urgh.
    Archer: Ditto. I just don't want her to escape. I mean, you know how strong she is. She may as well be green and half-deaf.
    • When Krieger enter the room through one of the secret passageways to the room, we get this little exchange:
    Cheryl: I think that's why the colored maids never felt safe. They'd be polishing a spitoon or whatever, an' suddenly (makes a scary face) GRANDPA!
    Everyone gasps in a startled manner
    Cheryl (giggling): Yeah, and dressed up like a ghost?
    Lana: What is it with your family wearing ghost-costumes to scare black people?!
    Cheryl: WHAT IS IT WITH YOU PEOPLE MAKING TIT-BONDAGE PORNOS IN MY ANCESTRAL HOME?!
    • Archer's succinct summation to Pam on how they intend to cure her of her cocaine addiction via mind-control microchip.
    Pam (groggily waking up): Wait, what're we doing?
    Archer: Stabbing science into your brain.
    • When Malory sends them off to hunt down the hulked-out Pam with tranqilizer guns:
    Malory: Now get out there and have fun!
    Archer (giddy at the prospect): How could we not?!
    • All of Ray's drunken blubbering.
    Agent Holly: My God! Are they... Torturing a woman?
    • Lana accidentally tranqs Woodhouse when Archer startles her and uses him as meat-shield (due to knowing she'd shoot without looking first). Woodhouse has just enough time before passing out to give us this little gem:
    Woodhouse (to the dart): Hello, old friend. (Passes out and is unceremoniously dumped on the floor by Archer)
    Malory: Cobra Whiskey and ladyboys, I mean,-
    Archer: Shut up!
    Lana: HA!
    • The introduction of Cheryl's country-singer persona, "Cherlene."
    Lana: Um... Cheryl?
    Cheryl (in a twangy southern accent): Nah, Cheryl's gone. I'm Cherlene now, an' if somebody don't fry me six goddamn eggs an' some Carolina fries, I would personally be shocked- Shocked! I tell you- if by mornin' this place ain't burnt ta the ground! (Yawns and wanders off)
  • "Exactly, as in Doctor Who money."
  • "Archer Vice: Southbound and Down" has Ray getting annoyed with Krieger for waiting so long to turn his legs back on. Krieger's response: turn them back off.
  • "Baby Shower" has quite a few, starting with the group realizing that they hadn't yet thrown Lana a baby shower.
    • Archer calling out Cyril for holding a grudge against Lana going with artificial insemination, commenting that she was so far out of his league, it would have counted as interspecies breeding.
    • Pam being told to "blow it out your ass" by Malory... and promptly farting.
    • Woodhouse finally got a nice zinger.
    Archer: And, Woodhouse, if you spend any of this on heroin, you better buy enough to OD on, because-
    Woodhouse: Will do! (takes the money and runs off)
    Cyril: Stop! Yeah, let me just stop ya there because, if you finish that sentence, I am going to rub cocaine in your eyes until you are blind.
    Ray: ... Goddamn, Shawshank.
  • Krieger tries enlisting his girlfriend to help pack the cocaine. Since she's pretty much a hologram, her hands just pass uselessly through the packages. She looks suitably irritated.
    • Both Archer and Cheryl thinking that a glass pool on the side of top floor of the hotel being a dumb idea though probably realizing it be a good place to bang.
    • Archer telling Kenny Loggins he doesn't frigging care what in the case which he thinks either has radioactive stuff or a human soul.
    • After five seasons of making "Danger Zone" jokes and referencing Loggins, Archer is rather annoyed to find out Lana has zero clue who he is.
  • Pam and Cheryl taking Malory's "tranny" comment seriously (Well, possibly semi-serious, in the case of Pam) much to Lana's annoyance.
    Pam: You think if I had 100 pounds of coke I'd be sitting here playing choo-choo spoon with a tranny?
  • There's this classic exchange in "Rule Of Extraction"
    Ray: You think everything’s going to be easy!
    Archer: Well, it almost always is!
    Ray:: Aha! See, that’s what I resent.
    Archer: What do you resent, Ray? My muscly shoulders poking into your tum-tum?
    Ray:: I resent that you never take anything seriously because you always assume everything is going to work out for you!
    Archer: It almost always does! (Cyril sighs.) Case in point! (Archer gestures to an airstrip and in the middle of the jungle.)
    Ray:: What the — Goddammit.
    • GODDAMMIT! (Beat) Why are we not doing "Phrasing" anymore!?
    • Then there was the bit when they found Ray alive in the van.
      • And near the end, The Reveal that Ray could walk the entire time, but refused to, to spite Archer.
  • Episode 9 takes place more in flashbacks, but the highlights include...
    • Archer's completely black-and-blue chest from a beanbag gun, particularly his reaction anytime Cyril elbows him there.
    • The Reveal that Krieger blew up all-but 30 Kilos of the cocaine when his submarine project was declared a failure.
    • And Malory's reaction to that, where she was going to literally emasculate him, calling for a bowl, a mirror, a needle and thread, and a straight-razor. The mirror is so that he could watch as she did it.
    • And finally, The Reveal that Ron and Malory are going to have an open marriage. Naturally, as this occurs Cherlene's phone rings, revealing that it's Ron (Then Malory immediately knocks out Cherlene quite violently) and the a few minutes later Pam's phone rings, but she's genre-savvy enough to avoid answering it, since the one possibly calling is Ron and Malory is close enough to throttle her.
  • While flying in to San Marcos, the gang argues about which Breakfast Club character each of them is. With Malory having NO idea what the hell they're talking about.
    Lana: So What, you think I'm Ally Sheedy?
    Malory: Are you all just saying random words?
    Cherlene: Goddammit! Who just broke my box!?
    El Presidente: Come-come-come-come-come!
    • And its glorious return when El Presidente does it again.
    Cherlene: Phrasing! Boom!
    Archer: (Weakly, having been punched in the balls by Lana) Thank you...
    • Archer's definition of anonymous sex and his explanation to Lana for how accidentally doing it to Calderón’s wife (without realizing it was the wife at first) isn’t anonymous sex is pretty funny. ("You’ve gotta assume there’s a pretty thorough vetting process…").
    • A mortar attack, how frickin' outlaw country is that!
  • "Clone bone!"
  • Cyril's inadvertent rescue via tank and Malory bitching that he didn't go with a more conventional vehicle, such as the limousine like she'd hoped for, even though she never specified that's what she wanted in the first place. This of course, leads to Cyril snapping at her like she so richly deserves.
    Cyril: Jesus GOD, woman, NOTHING IS EVER! GOOD ENOUGH! FOR YOU!
    Archer: Haha, right!?
  • Lana's annoyance that neither Malory, Pam, Cherlene or even Ray get her Star Wars reference.
    • Even more hilariously, Cherlene somehow gets it mixed up with the story of the Resurrection of Jesus Christ.
  • Cyril manages to take over San Marcos and push back against the rebels using tactics he learned from Warhammer 40K.
  • Cherlene frees a goddamned tiger from the zoo. And then it eats Calderon.
  • As the rebels are running away from the airport:
    Charlene:All the gardeners are running away!
  • The reveal that Krieger never installed a mind control microchip into Cherlene's head... instead he placed a sticker inside of her brain.
    Charlene: Whoa. So my whole life, all I ever had to do was believe in myself? And inject a sticker into my brain?
  • Archer's newborn daughter using his patented "One finger shut-up while I drink" thing.
  • Immediately afterwards, Archer's reaction to who the father is.
    Archer: Meep? Meep....

     Running Jokes 
  • "And that's why we can't have nice things"
  • Lana? Lana? Lana? LAAAANAAAAAA!
    • WHAT?
      • Danger Zone
      • Small Miracles
      • 'Dungeness' Crab? Because we're in a dungeon? I'm kidding, crab rangoon
      • HE REMEMBERS ME!
      • And the subversion in Season 4.
  • Lana's freakishly large hands (and they're freakishly strong)
    • She holds down a helicopter that Conway was escaping in by harpooning his attache case then severs his hand.
    • She pries open Mallory's electromagnetically locked door with just her hands.
    • "Wait, is that even a twist top?" "Noooope."
    • Holding Cyril in a Vulcan Death Grip and imitating Darth Vader.
    • Threatening to rip out Pam's shoulders with her bare hands and play Moby Dick on her skull with them.
  • Any mentions of Cheryl's gypsy lady.
    Lana (Walking in the desert without her supplies): And now I'm going to die in the desert. (Gasp) Just like Cheryl's gypsy lady said!
    (Cut to Lana and Cheryl in the breakroom) Lana: How would I ever die in a dessert?
    Cheryl: Oh I don't know, maybe a giant chocolate mousse?
  • "SMOKE BOMB!"
    • (Ahem) Wildly inappropriate.
  • Ray losing the use of his legs.
  • Archer's ridiculous "Mulatto Butts!" ringtone going off at the worst possible time
    Black ass momma! (White ass daddy!)
  • Archer's complex, confusing, multi-layered answering machine messages.
  • Phrasing BOOM!
  • "Oh, you were serious?"
  • "Are we not saying 'phrasing' anymore?"
  • The Running Gag of someone being given multiple slaps to the face after said person does or says something stupid.

    Other 
  • The trailer for Season Five consists of the cast re-enacting famous scenes from Top Gun, set to "Danger Zone", with Archer as Maverick, Barry as Iceman, Cyril as Goose, Lana as Charlie, and Krieger as Kenny Loggins, among other impersonations. It goes through all the major events of the movie... then suddenly fades out to reveal that Archer's just imagining the whole thing while drunkenly riding one of those rocket things that you find outside of grocery stores. It gets even funnier on multiple viewings as you notice all the little details they threw into the parody, like Archer having the callsign "Duchess" on his helmet, or the locker for "Other Barry", or the mannequins peeking out from under Krieger's bed...
  • ISIS employee orientation videos.
    • One involves not making eye contact with Malory, because she thinks its a challenge to her power. The first two employees see a paper cutout of her face, and get shocked. The third employee sees Malory at the elevator, her response to the employee fainting:
    Malory: Oh great, this one pissed himself.
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