Archer: He touched my penis. With his penis. Pam: Wow. Archer: Yeah, he just went up to me and was all, "bwoop!" Pam: Where? Archer: Everything, head and shaft.(beat) Oh, you mean "where" in the building?
Later, when the incident comes up again.
Lana: Have you noticed anything weird about Conway Stern? Archer: Other than the fact that he's not circumcised? Lana: Wow. Okay. Glossing over how you know that— Archer: We touched penises. Lana: NO! GLOSSING!
Lana: An uncircumcised Jewish guy? That doesn't seem weird to you? Archer: Well, I'm not Jewish and I am circumcised, so it can go the other way around. Lana: It doesn't work like that. Archer: Lana. Come on. I think we both know it works fine. Lana: Aw, come on! Not your dick, dumbass!
"Immigrants, that's how they do y'know! Driving around, blasting all the raps and shooting all the jobs!"
"What do we want? UNFAIR! When do we want it? CHANGE!!"
"Oh, my God. THERE'S NO SIIIIIIINNNNK!"
Krieger and LSD. That is all.
Pam acting Jamaican.
"All I want is this lettuce and his brother!"
Mandingo 2: The Enslavening
Krieger's virtual girlfriend and the Planet of the Apes reference right after said "girl" is on-screen.
The episode where Pam is kidnapped. Archer talks with the kidnappers talking on a voice modulator, and hangs up because he thinks they're cyborgs. Then, Cyril kidnaps Cheryl and tries to hold her for ransom. When Lana walks in on him, he pretends to have phone sex. And then we hear it modulated. Malory then traces the call... to Cyril's office and runs off after Lana and says, "They were calling from this floor!"
From the same episode, Pam trolling her captors by snarking at the torturer's weak attempts to put her in pain.
"Immigrants, with their lowriders, full of free healthcare and snow.
Krieger's explanation as to why he can't shut down the computer.
Malory: Just turn off the mainframe.
Lana: (holds up an unplugged power cord) Yeah, we tried that.
Malory: Then how is it still on?
Krieger: Because the worm has turned the mainframe...into a sentient being.
(dramatic musical sting)
Krieger: I'm kidding. There's a battery backup.
"Oh my God! You've never even SEEN a Wilhelm!"
From Placebo Effect
"Well, excuse me, Lana. It's a rampage!"
Archer interrogating the Irish mob about fake cancer medication in the style of a Family Feud-like show. Only the bad answers are awarded with a shotgun blast to the kneecap.
That whole scene was priceless. From "these potato heads are the unsexiest mob ever" to "cock-flavored spit" to whether or not the Honduran janitors can speak Portuguese.
Archer interrogating a mob boss by sticking a grenade up his ass:
Lana: Wait, you're just gonna leave him with a grenade stuck up his ass?!
Archer: Yes, Lana, I'm on a rampage! And also kidding, it's a smoke grenade.
Mob Boss: Oh thank Go-
(cue grenade exploding, knocking Archer and Lana out the door)
Note: While arguably better than being blown up, a smoke grenade going off in your ass would hardly be nothing to worry about as the casing will become scalding hot and the smoke can be fatal to be exposed to fairly fast. Actually, being blown up might be considered preferable.
Cheryl's explanation of her being a Tunt
Cheryl: I spent, like, every summer there listening to my creepy great-grandmother bitch about Abraham Lincoln. Beat Apparently, slavery was pretty awesome.
Malory: Prove it.
Archer: What's to prove? It's free labor.
Malory: Not that, ass!
Archer's reaction to finding out that Woodhouse helped Malory give birth to him:
Archer: Oh my God! You saw Mother's...VAGINA?! *throws up*
Malory talking to Lana and Pam about her mammogram results, and how there might be something there. She then asks them not to have it spread around the office...only for Pam to be texting the office already. She states that gossip is like a disease, and returns to texting, only for Malory to call her out again. Pam asks if she knows what "disease" means, then remembers she might have breast cancer. Refuge in Audacity even for this show.
Malory: The last thing I need is this spreading like...Pam, what the hell!
This exchange from “Stage Two”
Archer: Lana, I'm in love with you
Lana: You are also shitfaced.
Archer: Can't I be both?
Ray: "Here, hold this." Archer: "Thanks Ray, but I'm not thirst-" SMACK! Ray: "Here, hold these." Archer: "Ray, I said I'm not thir-" PUNCH! PUNCH!
The ridiculously Overly Long Gag and Crosses The Line Four Times phone call Archer gets revolving around his breast cancer. This utterly inept doctor (who's only really interested in scoring with Malory) keeps calling Archer to inform him there's been a mistake and that he's cancer-free/going to die. Archer undergoes a complete personality change each time and by the time the final call comes in everyone just stares at the phone in horror.
This exchange in part 2 of "Heart of Archness"
Bucky: We hold election for king! (pronounced "erection")
Archer: That's flattering, but not really necessary.
When Gillete and Lana are on a rented boat going to rescue Archer, Gillete is getting a manicure from a man-servant.
Gillete: Look at him! He is lithe. You know they asked if I wanted to buy him outright. But then I thought ... Lana: You thought what, Ray? You thought that maybe because of my racial background I might just have an issue with someone owning another human being? Gillete: Actually, I just thought I'd probably get bored with him.
"Kuriga-san! You promised!!" A Brick Joke and near-throwaway line in the Season 2 finale, when Krieger's "virtual girlfriend" inexplicably returns. The Funny Moment is from watching "Tragical History" earlier in the season, when we learn that the virtual girlfriend was so lifelike that the state of New York allowed Krieger the right to marry "her". This plan was halted (for now) when Lana smashed Krieger's projector, so it was a big surprise to see her "return".
A naked Cheryl, and near naked Gillete rolling into Malory's office, after a really bad experience with a urine test cheating drug.
Cheryl:-with uncharacteristic calm- That’s our pee, and that’s the last I better hear about it, because this stupid building is a tinderbox, and I will burn it to the ground.
"He remembers me!"
At the very end of "The Limited," after the ocelot pissed on Archer's torn and bloodied suit:
Archer: "No, Babou. That was all sarcasm."
Archer: "YES! ALL OF IT! YOU FOX-EARED ASSHOLE!
"Lo Scandalo." The dinner party. All of it.
Lana: Especially given the circumstances leading up to his death, which were —
Archer: Eh. Potato, po-dildo.
Malory's conversation with her building's super:
Mr. Earley: It's just at Christmas, the tenants usually give me a small consideration for the work all year I do keeping up the building. We surely count on it ma'am, especially this year as we've had more than the usual medical bills.
Malory: Your point being?
Mr. Earley: It's just that, for the third year running, you give me a potato.
The "eeeeee-legant dinner pah-ty" scene. Especially Cheryl, seeing as she actually is rich...
And Lana, who ends up having to play the maid (using Mallory's French Maid Outfit, which she keeps for "special occasions").
Detective: We got a tip that there'd been a murder up here. Archer: Good heavens! A murder? Well, apart from this sullen wench murdering good etiquette, I— Ow! (Lana nerve-pinches him) Archer: —find the...very...suggestion...laughable...
When Burt Reynolds sees Krieger's virtual girlfriend, his deadpan delivery on "Is that a ghost?"
Cheryl: My great-grandpa was nuts for skating. That, and the Klan.
The beginning of season 4, which is a big crossover with another show. Archer suffers from amnesia, and thinks he runs a burger joint with a wife, a son, and 2 daughters, and he believes his name to be Bob. Yes, that Bob.
"Lana, I will hire Kenny Loggins to come here and play an acoustic set while I slap some sense into you.."
Compounded later in the episode with Archer's acoustic "Danger Zone" ringtone.
The end of "The Wind Cries Mary," where, after Archer's friend and former ISIS agent confessed that he did something sexual to Archer (what exactly isn't known, but Archer was passed out on mama-whamma and it involved Al Green music and suntan oil) during their mission in the Caribbean, it cuts to a stunned and disturbed Archer, Lana, and Cyril in the car, driving in silence.
And when Archer see's Cyril's orange snow clothes on the ground
Archer: Okay, so...really don't know what to make of that. Unless...(Looks around) Wait, no, no. Get it out of your head. Predator only hunts in tropical jungles...I assume...and desperately hope.
Sterling's little "bonding experience" with his step-father.
Ron: This isn't exactly 'clean money'.
Archer:[in the same tone, with the same finger quotes] 'No shit'.
Also Sterling's explination of the butterfly effect.
Archer: The butterfly Effect, ya know? A Butterfly in Africa lands on a Giraffe's nose, the Giraffe sneezes, that spooks a Gazelle, the Gazelle bonks into a Rhinoceros and the Rhinoceros blindly stampedes into a phone booth, calls New York somehow and says "Hey, go kill this idiot Ron, for a suitcase!", cause the Rhinoceros speaks English!!!
"Cyril Figgis strikes again!"
When Archer tries to stop Krieger from helping Barry leave the space station (who wanted to see a robot fight).
Archer: Krieger! Why is Barry rocketshipping away from the freaking space station?!?'''
Malory once again calling in a fake threat, this time for seats at a fancy restaurant.
The chef at said restaurant was voiced by ANTHONY BOURDAIN. Every line out of his mouth was a howler.
Also the Running Gag with Archer dropping one of the large cooking bowls, then allowing it to spin down completely before saying anything.
Cyril and the sheep heads.
Archer: He's in the walk-in, crying like a child. *cut to Cyril doing just that.*
The Bastard Chef promo. It's a accurate Hells Kitchen parody except for food being thrown at the chefs, chefs being chased with a clever, drinking in the kitchen, a knife stabbing the wall...no pretty accurate.
Malory's ever-present frustration with her employees.
Malory: I should just have nerve gas pumped through the vents.
Lana: Well thanks to you I didn't get to do the former, now we are doing the latter.
With the reveal that the guys that were attacking the ISIS group being FBI, Malory walked out of her office annoyed and said this is her second worst birthday
Archer: How is this better than your second fake fiftieth!?
When the main character all talk about what they would do now that they were losing their jobs and had to get new ones. Best moment of that meeting was arguably Cyril saying he wouldn’t want to go back to his accounting job, to which Archer replied, “especially after mother gives you a shitty reference. Mother, do that.”
Cyril, Krieger, Cheryl, Pam, and Ray all ratting on ISIS to get non-existent immunity. Highlights of which include:
"And I think there was something about throwing a bone in me,"
"Is it murder if they were my own clones? I'm seriously asking," and
"I wanna say... Burt Reynolds?"
Archer and Lana fighting, ending with this gem.
Archer: Miss "My-Baby-Is-From-A-Sperm-Bank" because I can't keep a man, because, in addition to my million other neuroses, I HAVE A WEIRD SHAPED VAGINA!"
And right after that, when she and Archer are having it out, she tells him "There is no we! Well, there's this we!" and points a loaded gun at her pregnant stomach. Notably, Archer is the one to draw attention to the stupidity of that move.
After being in a full body cast made of cocaine Pam is seriously addicted to it. To the point where when Archer threatens her at gunpoint to stop she pretty much buries her head in the bag of coke she has to eat as much of it as she can, as fast as she can.
When Malory calls Pam "Coke-ie Monster."
When Cyril asks just where in Cheryl's mansion he'll be able to lock up what remains of the cocaine:
Archer: Cyril, look around! Somewhere in this mansion, I have to assume, is a gigantic Scrooge McDuckian vault!
When it turns out there is no such vault in Cheryl's mansion, Archer postulates "an old-timey gymnasium full of Indian clubs and medicine balls"... Which, it turns out, there is, as they cut to Woodhouse in one such gymnaisum, dressed in old-style wrestling spandex, and currently trapped under a medicine ball.
When Pam reveals she's had a threesome with yakuza thugs (one being an old man named "ojii-san", which is Japanese for "grandfather"):
Lana: What is it with your family wearing ghost-costumes to scare black people?!
Cheryl: WHAT IS IT WITH YOU PEOPLE MAKING TIT-BONDAGE PORNOS IN MY ANCESTRAL HOME?!
Hell, any story involving Cheryls racist grandfather. Apparently, several of the tunnels underneath the house were dug by him trying to dig into the underground railroad to recapture escaped slaves and sell them back to their owners. Not only did he think the underground railroad was an actual physical railroad, he also did this in 1890.
Archer's succinct summation to Pam on how they intend to cure her of her cocaine addiction via mind-control microchip.
Pam (groggily waking up): Wait, what're we doing?
Archer: Stabbing science into your brain.
When Malory sends them off to hunt down the hulked-out Pam with tranqilizer guns:
Malory: Now get out there and have fun!
Archer (giddy at the prospect): How could we not?!
All of Ray's drunken blubbering.
Agent Holly: My God! Are they... Torturing a woman?
Lana accidentally tranqs Woodhouse when Archer startles her and uses him as meat-shield (due to knowing she'd shoot without looking first). Woodhouse has just enough time before passing out to give us this little gem:
The introduction of Cheryl's country-singer persona, "Cherlene."
Lana: Um... Cheryl?
Cheryl (in a twangy southern accent): Nah, Cheryl's gone. I'm Cherlene now, an' if somebody don't fry me six goddamn eggs an' some Carolina fries, I would personally be shocked- Shocked! I tell you- if by mornin' this place ain't burnt ta the ground! (Yawns and wanders off)
Also Krieger's reaction to the initial threat, just as he realizes she actually means literally.
Krieger: Well no, if you literally emma—(coughs)—Okay, so...
And finally, The Reveal that Ron and Malory are going to have an open marriage. Naturally, as this occurs Cherlene's phone rings, revealing that it's Ron (Then Malory immediately knocks out Cherlene quite violently) and the a few minutes later Pam's phone rings, but she's genre-savvy enough to avoid answering it, since the one possibly calling is Ron and Malory is close enough to throttle her.
While flying in to San Marcos, the gang argues about which Breakfast Club character each of them is. With Malory having NO idea what the hell they're talking about.
Cherlene: Goddammit! Who the hell drilled my box!?
El Presidente: Come-come-come-come-come!
And its glorious return when El Presidente does it again.
Cherlene: Phrasing! Boom!
Archer: (Weakly, having been punched in the balls by Lana) Thank you...
Archer's definition of anonymous sex and his explanation to Lana for how accidentally doing it to Calderón’s wife (without realizing it was the wife at first) isn’t anonymous sex is pretty funny. ("You’ve gotta assume there’s a pretty thorough vetting process…").
Lana punching Archer in the balls as part of her "friendly advice" about his sex addiction.
A mortar attack, how frickin' outlaw country is that!
The Running Gag of someone being given multiple slaps to the face after said person does or says something stupid.
The trailer for Season Five consists of the cast re-enacting famous scenes from Top Gun, set to "Danger Zone", with Archer as Maverick, Barry as Iceman, Cyril as Goose, Lana as Charlie, and Krieger as Kenny Loggins, among other impersonations. It goes through all the major events of the movie... then suddenly fades out to reveal that Archer's just imagining the whole thing while drunkenly riding one of those rocket things that you find outside of grocery stores. It gets even funnier on multiple viewings as you notice all the little details they threw into the parody, like Archer having the callsign "Duchess" on his helmet, or the locker for "Other Barry", or the mannequins peeking out from under Krieger's bed...
One involves not making eye contact with Malory, because she thinks its a challenge to her power. The first two employees see a paper cutout of her face, and get shocked. The third employee sees Malory at the elevator, her response to the employee fainting:
Malory: Oh great, this one pissed himself.
One of the DVD extras is a segment called Cooking With Archer, where Archer shows off his new kitchen, and invites celebrity chef Alton Brown (He thinks his name is Allen Brown due to a mispelled cue card) to cook Eggs Woodhouse on it. The two end up getting into a massive brawl, which cuts away to a Technical Difficulties sign, then back with Brown just putting the finishing touches on the dish in the now ruined kitchen, with Archer rammed through the stove. Then Woodhouse shows up.