Archer: He touched my penis. With his penis. Pam: Wow. Archer: Yeah, he just went up to me and was all, "bwoop!" Pam: Where? Archer: Everything, head and shaft.(beat) Oh, you mean "where" in the building?
Later, when the incident comes up again.
Lana: Have you noticed anything weird about Conway Stern? Archer: Other than the fact that he's not circumcised? Lana: Wow. Okay. Glossing over how you know that— Archer: We touched penises. Lana: NO! GLOSSING!
Lana: An uncircumcised Jewish guy? That doesn't seem weird to you? Archer: Well, I'm not Jewish and I am circumcised, so it can go the other way around. Lana: It doesn't work like that. Archer: Lana. Come on. I think we both know it works fine. Lana: Aw, come on! Not your dick, dumbass!
"Immigrants, that's how they do y'know! Driving around, blasting all the raps and shooting all the jobs!"
"What do we want? UNFAIR! When do we want it? CHANGE!!"
Krieger and LSD. That is all.
Pam acting Jamaican.
"All I want is this lettuce and his brother!"
Mandingo 2: The Enslavening
Krieger's virtual girlfriend and the Planet of the Apes reference right after said "girl" is on-screen.
The episode where Pam is kidnapped. Archer talks with the kidnappers talking on a voice modulator, and hangs up because he thinks they're cyborgs. Then, Cyril kidnaps Cheryl and tries to hold her for ransom. When Lana walks in on him, he pretends to have phone sex. And then we hear it modulated. Malory then traces the call... to Cyril's office and runs off after Lana and says, "They were calling from this floor!"
From the same episode, Pam trolling her captors by snarking at the torturer's weak attempts to put her in pain.
"Immigrants, with their lowriders, full of free healthcare and snow.
Krieger's explanation as to why he can't shut down the computer.
Malory: Just turn off the mainframe.
Lana: (holds up an unplugged power cord) Yeah, we tried that.
Malory: Then how is it still on?
Krieger: Because the worm has turned the mainframe...into a sentient being.
(dramatic musical sting)
Krieger: I'm kidding. There's a battery backup.
"Oh my God! You've never even SEEN a Wilhelm!"
From Placebo Effect
"Well, excuse me, Lana. It's a rampage!"
Archer interrogating the Irish mob about fake cancer medication in the style of a Family Feud-like show. Only the bad answers are awarded with a shotgun blast to the kneecap.
That whole scene was priceless. From "these potato heads are the unsexiest mob ever" to "cock-flavored spit" to whether or not the Honduran janitors can speak Portuguese.
Cheryl's explanation of her being a Tunt
Lana: I spent, like, every summer there listening to my creepy great-grandmother bitch about Abraham Lincoln. Beat Apparently, slavery was pretty awesome.
Malory: Prove it.
Archer: What's to prove? It's free labor.
Malory: Not that, ass!
Archer's reaction to finding out that Woodhouse helped Malory give birth to him:
Archer: Oh my God! You saw Mother's...VAGINA?! *throws up*
Malory talking to Lana and Pam about her mammogram results, and how there might be something there. She then asks them not to have it spread around the office...only for Pam to be texting the office already. She states that gossip is like a disease, and returns to texting, only for Malory to call her out again. Pam asks if she knows what "disease" means, then remembers she might have breast cancer. Refuge in Audacity even for this show.
Malory: The last thing I need is this spreading like...Pam, what the hell!
This exchange from “Stage Two”
Archer: Lana, I'm in love with you
Lana: You are also shitfaced.
Archer: Can't I be both?
Ray: "Here, hold this." Archer: "Thanks Ray, but I'm not thirst-" SMACK! Ray: "Here, hold these." Archer: "Ray, I said I'm not thir-" PUNCH! PUNCH!
The ridiculously Overly-Long Gag and Crosses The Line Four Times phone call Archer gets revolving around his breast cancer. This utterly inept doctor (who's only really interested in scoring with Malory) keeps calling Archer to inform him there's been a mistake and that he's cancer-free/going to die. Archer undergoes a complete personality change each time and by the time the final call comes in everyone just stares at the phone in horror.
This exchange in part 2 of "Heart of Archness"
Bucky: We hold election for king! (pronounced "erection")
Archer: That's flattering, but not really necessary.
When Gillete and Lana are on a rented boat going to rescue Archer, Gillete is getting a manicure from a man-servant.
Gillete: Look at him! He is lithe. You know they asked if I wanted to buy him outright. But then I thought ... Lana: You thought what, Ray? You thought that maybe because of my racial background I might just have an issue with someone owning another human being? Gillete: Actually, I just thought I'd probably get bored with him.
"Kuriga-san! You promised!!" A Brick Joke and near-throwaway line in the Season 2 finale, when Krieger's "virtual girlfriend" inexplicably returns. The Funny Moment is from watching "Tragical History" earlier in the season, when we learn that the virtual girlfriend was so lifelike that the state of New York allowed Krieger the right to marry "her". This plan was halted (for now) when Lana smashed Krieger's projector, so it was a big surprise to see her "return".
A naked Carol, and near naked Gillete rolling into Malory's office, after a really bad experience with a urine test cheating drug.
Carol: That’s our pee and that’s the last I better hear about it because this stupid building is a tinderbox, and I will burn it to the ground.
"He remembers me!"
At the very end of "The Limited," after the ocelot pissed on Archer's torn and bloodied suit:
Archer: "No, Babou. That was all sarcasm."
Archer: "YES! ALL OF IT! YOU FOX-EARED ASSHOLE!
"Lo Scandalo." The dinner party. All of it.
Lana: Especially given the circumstances leading up to his death, which were —
Archer: Eh. Potato, po-dildo.
Malory's conversation with her building's super:
Mr. Earley: It's just at Christmas, the tenants usually give me a small consideration for the work all year I do keeping up the building. We surely count on it ma'am, especially this year as we've had more than the usual medical bills.
Malory: Your point being?
Mr. Earley: It's just that, for the third year running, you give me a potato.
When Burt Reynolds sees Krieger's virtual girlfriend, his deadpan delivery on "Is that a ghost?"
Cheryl: My great-grandpa was nuts for skating. That, and the Klan.
The beginning of season 4, which is a big crossover with another show. Archer suffers from amnesia, and thinks he runs a burger joint with a wife, a son, and 2 daughters, and he believes his name to be Bob. Yes, that Bob.
"Lana, I will hire Kenny Loggins to come here and play an acoustic set while I slap some sense into you.."
Compounded later in the episode with Archer's acoustic "Danger Zone" ringtone.
The end of "The Wind Cries Mary," where, after Archer's friend and former ISIS agent confessed that he did something sexual to Archer (what exactly isn't known, but Archer was passed out on mama-whamma and it involved Al Green music and suntan oil) during their mission in the Caribbean, it cuts to a stunned and disturbed Archer, Lana, and Cyril in the car, driving in silence.
Sterling's little "bonding experience" with his step-father.
Ron: This isn't exactly 'clean money'.
Archer:[in the same tone, with the same finger quotes] 'No shit'.
Also Sterling's explination of the butterfly effect.
Archer: The butterfly Effect, ya know? A Butterfly in Africa lands on a Giraffe's nose, the Giraffe sneezes, that spooks a Gazelle, the Gazelle bonks into a Rhinoceros and the Rhinoceros blindly stampedes into a phone booth, calls New York somehow and says "Hey, go kill this idiot Ron, for a suitcase!", cause the Rhinoceros speaks English!!!
"Cyril Figgis strikes again!"
"I have to stop Krieger from building a gay Terminator!" Equally hilarious both with and without context.