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- "Would you pick an accent an stick with it?"
- "Hi, I'm a huge fan of cock and my name is..." "...Cyril Figgis"
"No way. It can't be. Holy shit, our security is atrocious."
- After Archer notices that the mainframe password is "guest", and the "sound and pressure-activated security system" is just a single mousetrap.
- "Just the tip!"
- At the climax of the first episode, imagining his mother dead and what his life would be like without her gives Archer an erection in the middle of a standoff with the villain.
Malory:*smacking Archer with her wallet* An erection!? The thought of me dead gives you an erection!?!?Archer: No, just half of one! The other half would have really missed you!
- And, immediately afterwards:
- "You know I'd never let anything happen to your bacon. I LOVE YOU SANTA CLAUS!" (sobbing) "I do!"
- "YOU GAVE LANA HERPES!?"
- And Carol overhears.
- "HEY! Inappropriate workplace topic! ...And also a dealbreaker."
- "Deal un-breaker."
- From "training Day": "Shoot! Shoot, bitch! DEMOCRACY IS AT STAKE!"
Archer: Oh my god, you killed a hooker!Cyril: Call girl, she was a —Archer: No Cyril, when they're dead they're just hookers!
- And later:
Cyril: You and your stupid mother and her stupid frothing loins...Archer: (smacks Cyril) Hey! I know you're upset, but if you EVER mention my mother's loins, OR their frothiness to me again... I don't know what I'll do, but it will be bad! Now let's go bury this dead hooker.
- And again:
- Killing Utne: "What, [Woodhouse] thinks he's people!"
Archer: Oh my God. (Sees that everyone around the table is dead) I can't believe they fell for that.
- When the Germans realize that Archer was there there we get this flashback with what implied is Russian Roulette:
- Krieger: I call him Fister Roboto.
- But he doesn't just fist!
- And the best thing is he's learning.
- Skytanic: "'B,' as in 'butthole,' and 'M,' as in 'mancy!'"
Lana: CAPtain LAMMers!?Archer: Nice read, Velma.
- Followed by Ray's outraged Big "WHAT?!".
- And the following meta gem:
Cyril: Lana, we made it!Archer: Hooray for metaphors!
- And after Cyril and Lana push about a ton of C-4 off the blimp:
- Made funnier by the fact that Archer is hopping around with a bullet in his foot.
- Most of Krieger's lines while he's avoiding work in "Skorpio":
- "I'm sorry, your authority is not recognized in FORT KICKASS!"
- "I guess I was too busy fantasizing about Archer and Lana having intercourse!!!"
- "The secret ingredient is phone."
- [The powder I'm snorting is]"Mostly MSG."
- "The flava enhanca!"
- "Every noun and verb in that sentence totally arouses me!"
- "Get him out of here, because these corporate bag-munchers owe me six hundred and thirty dollars for my goddamn FLEX ACCOUNT!"
- Malory's Mistaken for Racist comment about not wanting Archer to end up with Lana. "My God, a black...ops field agent?!"
- Another Danger Zone reference. After Conway gets away, stabbing Archer in the back (literally) in the process, as Lana's informing him:
Lana: Whoever he is, he ghosted an ID file onto our world-wide database.Archer: Which you probably found while researching me...Lana: *sigh*Archer: Lana 'cause you're in the uh... Danger Zoooone! *cough from weakness*Lana: And those were his last words, as he bled to death on the rug.
- In "The Rock," after Cheryl reminds everyone that Mallory killed the cleaning ladies after they tried to unionise and proclaims "no union!", Krieger responds with "Confederacy forever!"
- In "Honeypot", this exchange between Malory and Major Jakov:
Malory: Wait, you set this whole thing up so I would have to move in with you and your mother?!Jakov: No! It was merely incompetence!Malory: And that makes it better?Jakov: ...doesn't it?
- "Hey, it's not my fault the Pope won't let me wear a condom!"
Malory: Well why don't you wear a vasectomy?Archer: Oh come on! Don't you want a grandkid?Malory: If I did, I'd just scoop all your previous mishaps into one big pile and knit it a onesie!Archer: ...Jesus Christ.
- Archer's Overly Stereotypical Disguise of a gay man in "Honey Pot". Got dick?
- "Or are you literally just asking if I have a penis?"
- In the same episode, Archer is tasked by his mother with Honey Trapping a gay Cuban spy named Ramon into giving up a DVD.
Ramon: If you see what's on this disc...well, if you weren't gay before, you will be.Archer: What is it, a sex tape of Mother? (realizes that's exactly what it is) Oh my G...! *vomits*
- Honey Trap again, close to the end. Sure, it's black comedy, but Archer's mirth stemming from the following dialogue between him and Ramon.
*Archer starts to laugh after Ramon suggests having sex*Ramon: And just why is that so funny?Archer: No, not that. Woodhouse. He's all alone, tied up somewhere. Sc-*starts to laugh again* scared and alone. Probably dehydrated!
- Archer's treatment of the man smoking the cigar in "Skytanic."
"Want to blow us all to shit?""Hey! What are you doing?" (slap) "Here!" (stuffs a wad of money down his throat) "Go buy a nicotine patch!" (shoves him off his feet)
- When Archer is trying to teach Cyril how to be a secret agent:
Cyril: But when would you use an underwear gun?Archer: Hopefully never. But say you're in a Caribbean bungalow and you're kinda high. An exotic woman on the bed... Now is she just the high-priced whore you asked for or is she... an assassin!Cyril: I don't know, I...Archer: Oh, here's room service! Who ordered champagne?Cyril: Uh, how should I know?Archer: Exactly, you're baked, you can't remember! But since when does it take three huge, surly Jamaican guys to deliver one bottle of champagne!Cyril: Aah, because they're assassins too!Archer: Or! Maybe one guy's a new waiter, the second one's training him and the third's from maintenance finally off his lazy ass to fix the AC!Cyril: Oh. Yeah, I guess that could happen...Archer: Point is, you come out of the john waving this around (lifts up the gun), nobody's gonna bug you for a tip.
- Cyril sneaks onto the Skytanic because he is concerned about Lana cheating on him with Archer. Meanwhile, Archer and Lana are arguing about their genitals.
Lana: "Unkempt bush!? My vulva is smoother than a VEAL CUTLET!"*Lana opens the door to find Cyril*Lana: With terrible timing.
- The repeated references to Lana's vulva throughout the episode.
- Malory's increasingly defensive remarks re: moving and leaving Archer alone on Christmas
Malory: Eve! It was only Christmas Eve.
- There's a version of the pilot episode on the DVD where Archer is replaced by a velociraptor. Its exactly as silly as it sounds.
- The aftermath of the Lana/Archer/Skorpio three-way, complete with chocolate boob-prints on the wall behind the bed.
Archer: That...got a little dark.
- And this exchange in the middle of a firefight with arms dealers:
Archer: Lana, your eyes are amazing.Lana: Archer...Archer: I mean not compared to your tits, but... *Lana shoots him in the foot*
- Diversity Hire again:
Archer: What? You're black...ish.Lana: Ish?!Archer: Well, what's the word for it, Lana? You freaked out when I said 'quadroon.'Lana: Imagine that!Malory: Both of you, imagine shutting up!
- Archer's inadvertent taunting of Barry after having sex with his girlfriend in "Job Offer".
Archer: Seriously, I must reek of her. Here, can you smell her on me?
- "That chick was like, the Pele of anal."
- This exchange:
Lana: We'll never catch him in this thing!Archer: Maybe you should have thought of that before you blew the damn drop!Lana: I blew Jack Shit!Archer: Name dropper!
- "It's only you that beats you, buddy."
- Diversity Hire:
Conway Stern: What, you, uh, you see something you like?Archer: Wh- no, you... queer.Conway: [laughs] Oh, I'm queer? From the guy whose tiny gun came with a matching purse.Archer: Hey, it's got plenty of stopping power.Brett: Hah! That little...[Archer shoots Brett]Conway: Oh shit!Brett: God damn it, Archer!Archer: See that?Brett: Again!Archer: He was putting on his pants, and I stopped him. So you just watch your step, mister... damn it.Conway: Hey, right there, what you should have gone with was "Sammy Gay-vis Jr."Archer: Damn it!
- Archer and Conway's encounter in the locker room.
Pam: You're kidding.
- Archer filing a sexual harassment complaint against Conway Sterns after their penises accidentally touch in the ISIS locker room.
Archer: I'm dead serious.
Archer: I want to file an HR complaint against Conway.
Pam: On what grounds?
Archer: He touched my penis. With his penis.
Archer: Yeah, he just went up to me and was all, "bwoop!"
Archer: Everything, head and shaft. (beat) Oh, you mean "where" in the building?
Pam: Because I've got this complaint from Brett, who says you shot him again.[holds up file]
Archer: Here's the thing about Brett... [grabs file and runs off]
Pam: Aw shit! That was the newsletter!
Lana: Have you noticed anything weird about Conway Stern?
- Later, when the incident comes up again.
Archer: Other than the fact that he's not circumcised?
Lana: Wow. Okay. Glossing over how you know that—
Archer: We touched penises.
Lana: NO! GLOSSING!
Lana: An uncircumcised Jewish guy? That doesn't seem weird to you?
- And again...
Archer: Well, I'm not Jewish and I am circumcised, so it can go the other way around.
Lana: It doesn't work like that.
Archer: Lana. Come on. I think we both know it works fine.
Lana: Aw, come on! Not your dick, dumbass!
- "Immigrants, that's how they do y'know! Driving around, blasting all the raps and shooting all the jobs!"
- "What do we want? UNFAIR! When do we want it? CHANGE!!"
Pam: [But] it looks like we're picketing the cleaners!
- Because ISIS uses a laundromat as its front:
Random Passerby: Stop picketing the cleaners!
- "Oh, my God. THERE'S NO SIIIIIIINNNNK!"
- Krieger and LSD. That is all.
- Pam acting Jamaican.
Archer: Start thinking of ways to make Len not want my mother!Pam: We could give her a MILF-ectomy!Archer: If you say "MILF" again, I will shoot you in your eyeball.Cyril: She does have a point, though. *Archer levels his gun at him* Not the M-I-L-F part!
- "All I want is this lettuce and his brother!"
- Archer trying to prevent his mother from marrying Len:
- Just about everything Len says while under the effects of the mind control chip. It would be pretty tragic if he didn't have some of the funniest lines in the entire episode.
- There's a double whammy of two jokes in one - the ants and the carpet always being filthy —
Malory steps onto a stain on the carpet.
Malory: Ugh, sweet and sour? Might as well start an ant farm.
- Mandingo 2: The Enslavening
- Krieger's virtual girlfriend and the Planet of the Apes reference right after said "girl" is on-screen.
- Krieger's Voice-actor has gone on the record as saying that that line was his favorite in the show to date, simply because it was a nerd's wet-dream come true.
- The episode where Pam is kidnapped. Archer talks with the kidnappers talking on a voice modulator, and hangs up because he thinks they're cyborgs. Then, Cyril kidnaps Cheryl and tries to hold her for ransom. When Lana walks in on him, he pretends to have phone sex. And then we hear it modulated. Malory then traces the call... to Cyril's office and runs off after Lana and says, "They were calling from this floor!"
"Who taught you to punch? Your husband?"
- From the same episode, Pam trolling her captors by snarking at the torturer's weak attempts to put her in pain.
- "Immigrants, with their lowriders, full of free healthcare and snow.
- "Why was I dressed as Hitler?"
- "How hard is it to poach a goddamn egg?...Seriously, Woodhouse, that's like Eggs 101."
- "I've never seen an ocelot! . . . Holy shit, you guys, look at his little spots! . . . look at his tufted ears!"
- Krieger's explanation as to why he can't shut down the computer.
Malory: Just turn off the mainframe.Lana: (holds up an unplugged power cord) Yeah, we tried that.Malory: Then how is it still on?Krieger: Because the worm has turned the mainframe...into a sentient being.(dramatic musical sting)Malory: What?Krieger: I'm kidding. There's a battery backup.
- "Oh my God! You've never even SEEN a Wilhelm!"
- From Placebo Effect
Lana: Wait, you're just gonna leave him with a grenade stuck up his ass?!Archer: Yes, Lana, I'm on a rampage! And also kidding, it's a smoke grenade.Mob Boss: Oh thank Go-(cue grenade exploding, knocking Archer and Lana out the door)
- "Well, excuse me, Lana. It's a rampage!"
- Archer's Freudian Threat when interrogating the pharmacist. The way his eyes widen as he glares at the knife is just the icing on the cake.
- Archer interrogating the Irish mob about fake cancer medication in the style of a Family Feud-like show. Only the bad answers are awarded with a shotgun blast to the kneecap.
- That whole scene was priceless. From "these potato heads are the unsexiest mob ever" to "cock-flavored spit" to whether or not the Honduran janitors can speak Portuguese.
- Archer interrogating a mob boss by sticking a grenade up his ass:
- Note: While arguably better than being blown up, a smoke grenade going off in your ass would hardly be nothing to worry about as the casing will become scalding hot and the smoke can be fatal to be exposed to fairly fast. Actually, being blown up might be considered preferable.
- Cheryl's explanation of her being a Tunt
Cheryl: I spent, like, every summer there listening to my creepy great-grandmother bitch about Abraham Lincoln. Beat Apparently, slavery was pretty awesome.Malory: Prove it.Archer: What's to prove? It's free labor.Malory: Not that, ass!
- Archer's reaction to finding out that Woodhouse helped Malory give birth to him:
Archer: Oh my God! You saw Mother's...VAGINA?! *throws up*
- "The White Queen...of Africa."
- Malory talking to Lana and Pam about her mammogram results, and how there might be something there. She then asks them not to have it spread around the office...only for Pam to be texting the office already. She states that gossip is like a disease, and returns to texting, only for Malory to call her out again. Pam asks if she knows what "disease" means, then remembers she might have breast cancer. Refuge in Audacity even for this show.
Malory: The last thing I need is this spreading like...Pam, what the hell!
- This exchange from "Stage Two";
Archer: Lana, I'm in love with youLana: You are also shitfaced.Archer: Can't I be both?
Ray: "Here, hold this."
Archer: "Thanks Ray, but I'm not thirst-"
Ray: "Here, hold these."
Archer: "Ray, I said I'm not thir-"
- The enforced Fridge Horror that Ray inflicts on Archer in "A Going Concern", while Archer's dealing with his mother's toy.
Archer: Alright, I'm going in. Oh god, I can't believe I'm doing this...
Ray: Try to think about something else...like how there's no sink in there.
Archer: So what if there's noo—OH MY GOD!
Archer: THERE'S NO SINK!!!
(Archer screams as he works up the nerve to finally turn it off)
Archer: Oh, there isn't enough liquor and therapy in the world to undo that...I touched my mother's dildo.
- From the same episode, Krieger explaining how you shouldn't even touch the LSD strips... before proceeding to do so himself.
Krieger: Lysergic Acid is absorbed right through the skin. Even the tip of your fing-uh-oh.
- Ever wondered what Archer would be like if he had the face of his voice actor? Wonder no more.
- "But speaking of your body, and my body, and stiffness..."
- The "Benoit balls" Running Gag in "Jeu Monegasque".
- "You colossal FUCKING idiot."
- Krieger's van.
Malory: I swear, if anyone saw me in this awful van....Lana: How could they, with this illegal-ass window tint? Dude, this van is like rolling probable cause.Malory: So all ashore from the SS Date Rape!Ray: Toot-toot!
- The ridiculously Overly Long Gag and Crosses The Line Four Times phone call Archer gets revolving around his breast cancer. This utterly inept doctor (who's only really interested in scoring with Malory) keeps calling Archer to inform him there's been a mistake and that he's cancer-free/going to die. Archer undergoes a complete personality change each time and by the time the final call comes in everyone just stares at the phone in horror.
- This exchange in part 2 of "Heart of Archness"
Bucky: We hold election for king! (pronounced "erection")Archer: That's flattering, but not really necessary.
- "This is my manservant, Jerkins".
- "Jerkins, you douchebag!"
- When Gillete and Lana are on a rented boat going to rescue Archer, Gillete is getting a manicure from a man-servant.
Gillete: Look at him! He is lithe. You know they asked if I wanted to buy him outright. But then I thought ...
Lana: You thought what, Ray? You thought that maybe because of my racial background I might just have an issue with someone owning another human being?
Gillete: Actually, I just thought I'd probably get bored with him.
- "Kuriga-san! You promised!!" A Brick Joke and near-throwaway line in the Season 2 finale, when Krieger's "virtual girlfriend" inexplicably returns. The Funny Moment is from watching "Tragical History" earlier in the season, when we learn that the virtual girlfriend was so lifelike that the state of New York allowed Krieger the right to marry "her". This plan was halted (for now) when Lana smashed Krieger's projector, so it was a big surprise to see her "return".
- A naked Cheryl, and near naked Gillete rolling into Malory's office, after a really bad experience with a urine test cheating drug.
Cheryl: -with uncharacteristic calm- That’s our pee, and that’s the last I better hear about it, because this stupid building is a tinderbox, and I will burn it to the ground.
- "BABOU, SERPENTINE!"
- "He remembers me!"
- At the very end of "The Limited," after the ocelot pissed on Archer's torn and bloodied suit:
Archer: "No, Babou. That was all sarcasm."Babou: [growls]Archer: "YES! ALL OF IT! YOU FOX-EARED ASSHOLE!
- "Lo Scandalo." The dinner party. All of it.
Lana: Especially given the circumstances leading up to his death, which were —Archer: Dildo-y.Lana: Unseemly.Archer: Eh. Potato, po-dildo.
Mr. Herlihy: It's just at Christmas, the tenants usually give me a small consideration for the work all year I do keeping up the building. We surely count on it ma'am, especially this year as we've had more than the usual medical bills.Malory: Your point being?Mr. Herlihy: It's just that, for the third year running, you give me a potato.Malory: Oh dear, so once again you're faced with the classic Irishman's dilemma: do I eat the potato now or let it ferment so I can drink it later?(She slams the door in his face)Herlihy's Son: Can I get the operation now, dad?
- Malory's conversation with her building's super:
Cyril: I hate you all so much.Ray: (in a posh English accent) No-one cares, Figgis; you were only invited to round out the numbers.
- The "eeeeee-legant dinner pah-ty" scene. Especially Cheryl, seeing as she actually is rich. Plus, Cyril's aside to the others once the detective's out of the room.
Detective: We got a tip that there'd been a murder up here.
- Lana ends up having to play the maid (using Mallory's French Maid Outfit, which she keeps for "special occasions").
Archer: Good heavens! A murder? Well, apart from this sullen wench murdering good etiquette, I— Ow!
(Lana nerve-pinches him)
Archer: —find the...very...suggestion...laughable...
Archer: And, uh, speaking of questions. (kneels down to examine the chair)Malory: No, no, no! Don't! Don't go back there, Sterling-!Archer: I HAVE A QUESTION, MOTHER. Why does this chair have no seat?! (kneels back down again) And what- (kneels down just to reaffirm he indeed saw what he did) - IS IN HIS 'ASS?!'Malory sighs and downs her glass while Lana looks at her with a quirked eyebrow of "WTF."
- Definitely this exchange between Archer and Malory when he examines the chair that Mascalzoni's tied to:
Archer: Mother! What is in this man's ass?!Malory (rather nonchalant): Oh please, don't act like you've never seen a "marital aid" before.Archer: Not in a dead prime minister's ass!Malory: And you don't have to keep repeating it! We've established where it is!
- And when they cut back from the theme-song, the conversation continues:
Archer (still fixated on the dildo): Well, he'd have to. I mean, the thing's huge.Lana starts slapping Archer's forearms to get him to shut up.Archer: Ow! Ow! Okay, I- OKAY! God, your hands are like cricket bats!Lana: Shut up. So, Malory, what happened? Can you walk us through the crime?Archer: Just the crime of murder, not the crime of sodomy by rubber eggplant. (Lana slaps him again)
- Another one, when Malory talks about how, as he got older, Savio's tastes started getting more "exotic," and he started very gradually introducing his perversions into his and Malory's rendevous.
Malory: No...what year do you think this is?Archer: I know, right?
- The episode's Running Gag about whether or not Italy uses a king instead of a Prime Minister. For reference, the last time Italy had a king was Umberto II in 1946, so even after taking into account the show's intentionally inconsistent time period, Archer would still be dead wrong.
- "Well, hello there, game changer."
Archer: How did you get so good at that?Pam: Well I grew up on a farm.Archer: I hope to god that's not relevant.
- So much from "Drift Problem"
Malory: Who taught you to drive?Cheryl: Just this guy I know called my dead father!(Malory starts stammering)Cheryl: *smirking* Yeah, I'll bet you feel like a dick.
Cheryl: Ow!...you got another one in ya?
- Archer shrieking with joy when he sees his new car comes with a bar.
- Malory slaps Cheryl to get her to tell her where Archer is:
Krieger: ...press that red button...Archer: Wait, is it going to kill everyone?Krieger: [beat] ...press that blue button...
- While Krieger is giving Archer the tour of the car's features:
- "You killed a black astronaut! That's like killing a unicorn!"
- Barry trying to taunt Archer into coming out of the sealed spaceship to fight him in a power-loader, even going so far as to start doing a robo-dance in said power-loader.
- "Domo arigato Archer roboto!"
- This exchange from Skin Game
Krieger: "I'm not a...serial killer."Archer: "Wait, why did you emphasize the 'serial'?"
Archer is hugging Cyborg!Katya before noticing Krieger.Archer: Krieger! Why do you have an erection right now ?Krieger: (whiping a tear from his eye) I'm so happy.
- This other extange shortly afterwards
- Cheryl trying to kill and prepare a chicken:
Cheryl: So is there like, special chicken shaving cream or...Ray: First of all, that is a rooster!Cheryl: Yeah, like Kenny Rogers Roosters.Ray: ROASTERS!
- Pam hiding in the bathroom stall.
*Pam eavesdrops*Lana: God damn it.Pam: What? You should have looked under the stalls!Lana: I did! Wait- I did.Pam: Yeah, I usually rest my legs on the grab bars.Malory: *bursting in* WHY is it... that every time I need to use the restroom, you people are skulking around looking guilty?Pam: Uhhhh... *Ducks down in the stall where there is a mural of spray paint*Malory: ...And why does it always reek of paint?!
- This was a quick one, but when Barry shows up at ISIS HQ, during the lockdown you can see that someone gang-tagged the metal exterior with spray paint. And then you realize it says "Pam."
- Cheryl proclaiming herself Queen of Mars while dressed in tubing from the space shuttle.
- The following exchange when Barry shows up on the space station:
Lana: Where are you going?Archer: Uh, this place called "to kill Barry!"
Barry: Hey, I understand. I mean, if you're having a legitimate problem with your vagina that you have between your legs in lieu of a penis, that's okay and you need to deal with that.Archer: (later, after Cyril disintegrates Barry's rocket in the process of returning to Earth) Ha! NOW who's got a vagina problem?!Pam: ...me.
- And Archer desperately trying to keep his composure as Barry taunts him:
- "Are you trying to get my mother into the Million-Mile-High Club?"
- When Burt Reynolds sees Krieger's virtual girlfriend, his deadpan delivery on "Is that a ghost?"
Cheryl: My great-grandpa was nuts for skating. That, and the Klan.
- The beginning of season 4, which is a big crossover with another show. Archer suffers from amnesia, and thinks he runs a burger joint with a wife, a son, and 2 daughters, and he believes his name to be Bob. Yes, that Bob.
KGB Agent 1: We are nut rubbers."Bob": Okay, you can rub them, but...KGB Agent 2: No, he means we are not robbers.
- "Lana, I will hire Kenny Loggins to come here and play an acoustic set while I slap some sense into you.."
- Compounded later in the episode with Archer's acoustic "Danger Zone" ringtone.
- At the start of "The Wind Cries Mary," the ISIS team is being briefed by Malory, and the break room is now off-limits because ants have finally invaded ISIS.
Malory: (VO, showing ants in the break room) A pig wouldn't be caught dead in there.
Cheryl: Uh, yeah it would. (cue dead Pigley)
- While Malory is discussing the Ant Problem and how Krieger promised to fix it:
Malory': ...Mr. "I-can-solve-your-ant-problem"!Krieger: First of all, It's Dr. I-Can-Solve-Your-Ant-Problem, and Second... *Cut to Krieger strapped into a device while a device shoots a beam if radiation at an ant and onto Krieger while he screams and laughs maniacally* Here's your refund. *Gives Malory an envelope full of money* I really thought that would work.Archer: What were you going for? Ant Strength relative to the size of a human?Krieger: ... Shut up.
- How super-strength would solve the problem is totally unknown.
- The end of "The Wind Cries Mary," where, after Archer's friend and former ISIS agent confessed that he did something sexual to Archer (what exactly isn't known, but Archer was passed out on mama-whamma and it involved Al Green music and suntan oil) during their mission in the Caribbean, it cuts to a stunned and disturbed Archer, Lana, and Cyril in the car, driving in silence.
Archer: Okay, so...really don't know what to make of that. Unless...(Looks around) Wait, no, no. Get it out of your head. Predator only hunts in tropical jungles...I assume...and desperately hope.
- And when Archer see's Cyril's orange snow clothes on the ground
- Sterling's little "bonding experience" with his step-father.
Ron: This isn't exactly 'clean money'.Archer: [in the same tone, with the same finger quotes] 'No shit'.
Archer: The butterfly Effect, ya know? A Butterfly in Africa lands on a Giraffe's nose, the Giraffe sneezes, that spooks a Gazelle, the Gazelle bonks into a Rhinoceros and the Rhinoceros blindly stampedes into a phone booth, calls New York somehow and says "Hey, go kill this idiot Ron, for a suitcase!", cause the Rhinoceros speaks English!!!
- Also Sterling's explination of the butterfly effect.
- "Cyril Figgis strikes again!"
- When Archer tries to stop Krieger from helping Barry leave the space station (who wanted to see a robot fight).
Archer: Krieger! Why is Barry rocketshipping away from the freaking space station?!?'''Krieger: Because... Newton's First Law of Motion?Krieger's Virtual Girlfriend: Oooohhh... Degrasse Tyson-san...
- "I have to stop Krieger from building a gay Terminator!" Equally hilarious both with and without context.
- Archer's dad might be Buck Henry.
- Archer: Bionic legs, and you lift with your back?!
- Archer hallucinates Cyril and Ray as alligators. Exactly as insane as it sounds.
Archer looks around at the Turkmenistania natives pointing machine guns at them, still tripping on cobra-venom.Keels over.
- Also from that same hallucinatory trip:
- The many uses of the phrase "gurp gork."
- Cheryl's impression of an AT-AT.
- "GIMP SUIT! REMEMBER THE GIMP SUIT!"
- Malory once again calling in a fake threat, this time for seats at a fancy restaurant.
- The chef at said restaurant was voiced by ANTHONY BOURDAIN. Every line out of his mouth was a howler.
- Also the Running Gag with Archer dropping one of the large cooking bowls, then allowing it to spin down completely before saying anything.
- Cyril and the sheep heads.
Archer: He's in the walk-in, crying like a child. *cut to Cyril doing just that.*
- The Bastard Chef promo. It's a accurate Hells Kitchen parody except for food being thrown at the chefs, chefs being chased with a cleaver, drinking in the kitchen, a knife stabbing the wall...no pretty accurate.
- Malory's ever-present frustration with her employees.
Malory: I should just have nerve gas pumped through the vents.Krieger: Just say the word.
Lana: Holy shit! There are actually nerve gas canisters in here!Mallory: I've told you that.Lana: I thought you were joking!Mallory: What's funny about nerve gas?
- And the Call Back
- Pam humping her lunch to bug Cyril. Then she drops it, picks it back up, and keeps doing it.
- Lana and Archer, hanging off the side of a skyscraper, discussing his screwed-up priorities.
Archer: Lana! Lana! PHONE!Lana: Did you seriously climb all the way up here just to see what my bonus is?!Archer: 'No, I sarcastically climbed up here to see what your bonus is!' he said, sarcastically. Phone!
- "Relax, it's North Korea, the nation-state equivalent of the short bus."
- Pam's field agent training. Highlights include:
Pam: *farts* What? Punk ass bitches...
- Taking the test in a "Sterile" environment. Translation: Buck naked.
Krieger: And that goes on for another soul cleaving 38 minutes.Ray: Of which you were there for 2.
- Beating the ever loving snot out of Cyril, Krieger, and Ray.
- And Mallory dismissing it as "beating up a nerd, a Nazi, and the Queen of the Robots."
- "The Papal Chase". The whole damn thing.
- Pam and Cheryl gasping whenever they cuss around the priests/cardinals
- "Your Italian is, how you say, shit?"
- The Pope looks exactly like Woodhouse
- Pam getting a huge mirror to check the Pope's breath and accidentally drops it on him
Pam: JESUS CHRIST I'M GOING TO HELL! I'M GOING TO HELL
- Lana realizing that the bad guy hire them to protect the pope is BECAUSE of ISIS' reputation of being a bad spy agency. Lana tells Pam to not tell Malory about this. Guess what happens at the end.
- When Woodhouse is brought along to impersonate the pope he first rushes off to shoot up, then again to be with it enough for the mission.
Lana: And with the weather, and you may need an umbrella because it's going to be raining. Dead ass popes.
- When Archer can't tell the pope apart from Woodhouse, Lana preemptively guesses his solution: take both of them home to see which one is a better butler.
- In "The Honeymooners" when Cyril takes on a North Korea gang with a fire extinguisher:
Lana: I'm coming, Cyril!Archer: Lana, wait! Bet that's the first time you've said that!
- "Sea Tunt"
- The various characters discussing Cheryl's insanity
Cheryl: Just try to ignore it… it’s non-diagetic....Cheryl: SHUT UP JOHN WILLIAMS
- Cheryl can hear the background music
- Malory's response to Ray's complaining
"Oh, stick another man's penis in it!"
- Pam continues eating the vegan crab and shrimp despite being really allergic to soy
"I'm a consenting adult!"
- Malory orders Cyril and Ray to find Cecil's recordings and leave Pam to die of anaphylactic shock:
Malory: And why are you still standing there? Go!Cyril: But what about Pam?Malory: I'll buy you a new one!
- Later, after she orders Cyril and Ray to recover and destroy the CCTV footage, Malory is left alone with Pam, who's on her knees, struggling for breath.
(Pam wheezes loudly)
Malory: Well, you don't have to rub it in!
- Captain Murphy dying by being trapped under a soda machine in a Call Back to Sealab 2021
Captain Murphy: Just like the gyspy woman said!
- Ray getting paralyzed again. Temporarily, though, since it was just his CPU getting short circuited.
- Earlier, Archer tricking him into shaving his mustache off.
- Krieger modding ISIS guns...while higher than a kite (note the huge pile of cocaine) and air-drumming to "Tom Sawyer".
- The various characters discussing Cheryl's insanity
- Cheryl thinking she was in Opposite World in "Viscous Coupling".
- In "Coyote Lovely", when Archer is talking to the border patrol (who claim they protect America from terrorists) while in a station wagon full of illegal immigrants from Mexico:
Archer: These people aren't — I mean, not to sound racist, but we all know who the terrorists are.Lupe: Los musulmanes. [Muslims]Archer: Lupe, come on, you're in America now, you just imply it.
- When Archar catches Lana with Cyril he eventually guesses he wants revenge for the scotch, leading to this exchange.
Archer: Seriously it kind of comes and goes.Lana: Well thanks to you I didn't get to do the former, now we are doing the latter.
- From "White Elephant":
- When ISIS comes under gunfire by unknown attackers, Archer springs into action only after he hears Lana yelling:
- With the reveal that the guys that were attacking the ISIS group being FBI, Malory walked out of her office annoyed and said this is her second worst birthday
Archer: How is this better than your second fake fiftieth!?
- When the main character all talk about what they would do now that they were losing their jobs and had to get new ones. Best moment of that meeting was arguably Cyril saying he wouldn’t want to go back to his accounting job, to which Archer replied, “especially after mother gives you a shitty reference. Mother, do that.”
- Cyril, Krieger, Cheryl, Pam, and Ray all ratting on ISIS to get non-existent immunity. Highlights of which include:
- "And I think there was something about throwing a bone in me,"
- "Is it murder if they were my own clones? I'm seriously asking," and
- "I wanna say... Burt Reynolds?"
- Archer and Lana fighting, ending with this gem.
Archer: Miss "My-Baby-Is-From-A-Sperm-Bank" because I can't keep a man, because, in addition to my million other neuroses, I HAVE A WEIRD SHAPED VAGINA!"
- And right after that, when she and Archer are having it out, she tells him "There is no we! Well, there's this we!" and points a loaded gun at her pregnant stomach. Notably, Archer is the one to draw attention to the stupidity of that move.
- Malory's response to Lana's hypothetical proposition on what to do with the literal, not figurative, ton of cocaine.
Lana: So, what, we form a cartel?Malory: Well, how hard can it be? I mean-Lana: Don't.Malory: -If Mexicans can do it?
- From "Archer Vice: A Kiss While Dying":
Malory: God, how I envy the deaf.
Charles: Okay, 2. How can you eat a pound of cocaine and not be dead?Pam: I've actually never felt better. (swallows) I hope that lasts.Charles:Oh, I'm sure it will.
- "He gave his palabra, Lana!"
- The reveal that Cheryl is actually a great singer/guitar-player when she thinks no one watching, was due Kreiger’s numerous camera (The one not in the bathrooms or swimming pool.)
- Not even two days into their activities as a cartel, and Pam's already addicted to cocaine... By eating it. The latter point of which is lampshaded during the episode.
Lana (clutching tummy while running): Sorry baby, sorry baby, sorry baby, sorry baby, sorry baby-!Pam (in the background): LANAAAA! Get cocaine!!After reaching the door, about to bust it in.Lana (to the baby): You name it, kid. (panting) Savings bond, a puppy, breastfeed ya senseless.
- Say nothing of her antics whilest high as a kite on the stuff.
- And of course, when Archer's trying to tell Lana that he and Ramon hadn't hooked up, he finishes off with "That's crazy! We didn't even kiss!" This comment has Pam's immediate and undivided attention.
- Lana running while pregnant to help Archer:
- From "Archer Vice: A Debt of Honor:
Archer: Cyril, look around! Somewhere in this mansion, I have to assume, is a gigantic Scrooge McDuckian vault!
- After being in a full body cast made of cocaine Pam is seriously addicted to it. To the point where when Archer threatens her at gunpoint to stop she pretty much buries her head in the bag of coke she has to eat as much of it as she can, as fast as she can.
- When Malory calls Pam "Coke-ie Monster."
- When Cyril asks just where in Cheryl's mansion he'll be able to lock up what remains of the cocaine:
Archer: Jesus, can the mind vomit?After a cutaway reveals a picture of naked Pam with whipped cream on her breasts and nether regions...Archer: Ugh, yes, the mind can in fact vomit!
- When it turns out there is no such vault in Cheryl's mansion, Archer postulates "an old-timey gymnasium full of Indian clubs and medicine balls"... Which, it turns out, there is, as they cut to Woodhouse in one such gymnaisum, dressed in old-style wrestling spandex, and currently trapped under a medicine ball.
- When Pam reveals she's had a threesome with yakuza thugs (one being an old man named "ojii-san", which is Japanese for "grandfather"):
Woodhouse (still trapped): Dear God! Telephone clanging away, and me trapped! It's a good servant's worst nightmare!! I don't see how this could possibly get any wor- (Doorbell rings) Oh.
- When the yakuza come knocking for Pam:
Krieger: Oh for-! I don't get all pissy every time you mistake a Dutchman for a Swede! Either time that happened.
- Krieger mistakes the two yakuza at the door for Chinese guys from a take out place, only for his Virtual Girlfriend to take offense when Malory corrects him:
- After Mr. Moto berates one of his men for opening fire without permission, the one standing next to him plays the same Losing Horns app that Archer had. The solemn bow afterward pitched it to here.
- To defend against the yakuza Lana says they need to concentrate on choke points. Having a fetish for being choked Cheryl immediately gets all excited.
- Archer thinking Kenny Loggin's "Danger Zone" was a country song.
- "The phone (snickering uncontrollably) IT WAS WOODHOUSE'S!" Even Lana starts cracking up at that one.
- From Archer Vice: House Call:
- Cyril's presentation visual aides, and half the gang's assumptions they're penis' (they're supposed to be thermometers).
Archer: Oh my God! And little kids eat it?
- Archer eating Pam's cocaine in a yogurt cup, and his horrified expression upon believing that's actually what yogurt's made of.
Cyril: How do you not know the different types of porn?Archer: Because I have sex with actual women, Cyril! My girlfriend's not equal parts the Internet, a tube of Kentucky Jelly, self-loathing, and a sock!
- Archer's complete lack of knowledge to the various genres of pornography. Which even gets lampshaded at one point.
Lana: That's tight enough! We're not making tit-bondage porn!Archer: That's a thing?Cyril: Oh yeah.Malory (disgusted): Urgh.Archer: Ditto. I just don't want her to escape. I mean, you know how strong she is. She may as well be green and half-deaf.
- All of the jokes involving the metric system.
- When Archer insists that they tighten Pam's restraints:
Cheryl: I think that's why the colored maids never felt safe. They'd be polishing a spitoon or whatever, an' suddenly (makes a scary face) GRANDPA!Everyone gasps in a startled mannerCheryl (giggling): Yeah, and dressed up like a ghost?Lana: What is it with your family wearing ghost-costumes to scare black people?!Cheryl: WHAT IS IT WITH YOU PEOPLE MAKING TIT-BONDAGE PORNOS IN MY ANCESTRAL HOME?!
- When Krieger enter the room through one of the secret passageways to the room, we get this little exchange:
Pam (groggily waking up): Wait, what're we doing?Archer: Stabbing science into your brain.
- Hell, any story involving Cheryls racist grandfather. Apparently, several of the tunnels underneath the house were dug by him trying to dig into the underground railroad to recapture escaped slaves and sell them back to their owners. Not only did he think the underground railroad was an actual physical railroad, he also did this in 1890.
- Archer's succinct summation to Pam on how they intend to cure her of her cocaine addiction via mind-control microchip.
Malory: Now get out there and have fun!Archer (giddy at the prospect): How could we not?!
- When Malory sends them off to hunt down the hulked-out Pam with tranqilizer guns:
Agent Holly: My God! Are they... Torturing a woman?
- All of Ray's drunken blubbering.
Woodhouse (to the dart): Hello, old friend. (Passes out and is unceremoniously dumped on the floor by Archer)
- Lana accidentally tranqs Woodhouse when Archer startles her and uses him as meat-shield (due to knowing she'd shoot without looking first). Woodhouse has just enough time before passing out to give us this little gem:
Malory: Cobra Whiskey and ladyboys, I mean,-Archer: Shut up!Lana: HA!
- The implications at the mentioning of Archer's college semester abroad.
Lana: Um... Cheryl?Cheryl (in a twangy southern accent): Nah, Cheryl's gone. I'm Cherlene now, an' if somebody don't fry me six goddamn eggs an' some Carolina fries, I would personally be shocked- Shocked! I tell you- if by mornin' this place ain't burnt ta the ground! (Yawns and wanders off)
- The introduction of Cheryl's country-singer persona, "Cherlene."
- "Exactly, as in Doctor Who money."
- "Archer Vice: Southbound and Down" has Ray getting annoyed with Krieger for waiting so long to turn his legs back on. Krieger's response: turn them back off.
Ray: (uncontrollably goose-stepping with his left arm raised while Ride of the Valkyries plays in the background) THIS STOPPED BEING FUNNY TWO HOURS AGO!Krieger: (in his underwear, holding a remote control) It's not supposed to be funny.
- Krieger takes it even further than that.
- Krieger showing off his ability to remotely control Ray's bionic legs by making him march around giving a Hitler salute.
Ray: Dammit, Krieger! This stopped being funny like-two hours ago!Krieger: ...It's not supposed to be funny.
- "Baby Shower" has quite a few, starting with the group realizing that they hadn't yet thrown Lana a baby shower.
Archer: I was hoping you'd do that.
- Archer calling out Cyril for holding a grudge against Lana going with artificial insemination, commenting that she was so far out of his league, it would have counted as interspecies breeding.
- Pam being told to "blow it out your ass" by Malory... and promptly farting.
Archer: And, Woodhouse, if you spend any of this on heroin, you better buy enough to OD on, because-Woodhouse: Will do! (takes the money and runs off)
- Woodhouse finally got a nice zinger.
Cyril: Stop! Yeah, let me just stop ya there because, if you finish that sentence, I am going to rub cocaine in your eyes until you are blind.Ray: ... Goddamn, Shawshank.
- The degree of Cyril's "No. Just... No" Reaction to premise of "the Dirty-Diaper Game".
- Ray's enthusiasm towards describing said game to Cyril.
- Krieger tries enlisting his girlfriend to help pack the cocaine. Since she's pretty much a hologram, her hands just pass uselessly through the packages. She looks suitably irritated.
- Both Archer and Cheryl thinking that a glass pool on the side of top floor of the hotel being a dumb idea though probably realizing it be a good place to bang.
- Archer telling Kenny Loggins he doesn't frigging care what's in the case which he thinks either has uranium or a human soul.
- After five seasons of making "Danger Zone" jokes and referencing Loggins, Archer is rather annoyed to find out Lana has zero clue who he is.
- Pam and Cheryl taking Malory's "tranny" comment seriously (Well, possibly semi-serious, in the case of Pam) much to Lana's annoyance.
Pam: You think if I had 100 pounds of coke I'd be sitting here playing choo-choo spoon with a tranny?
- There's this classic exchange in "Rule Of Extraction"
Ray: You think everything’s going to be easy!Archer: Well, it almost always is!Ray:: Aha! See, that’s what I resent.Archer: What do you resent, Ray? My muscly shoulders poking into your tum-tum?Ray:: I resent that you never take anything seriously because you always assume everything is going to work out for you!Archer: It almost always does! (Cyril sighs.) Case in point! (Archer gestures to an airstrip and in the middle of the jungle.)Ray:: What the — Goddammit.
- Episode 9 takes place more in flashbacks, but the highlights include...
Cyril: Archer! Alligators, or your mother?!Archer: What's the difference? They're both cold-blooded, prehistoric monsters!
- Archer's completely black-and-blue chest from a beanbag gun, particularly his reaction anytime Cyril elbows him there.
- The Reveal that Krieger blew up all-but 30 Kilos of the cocaine when he realized the submarine he was using the cocaine bricks as ballast for was landlocked and he ended up blowing it to pieces in despair.
- The following exchange when Archer freaks out about having to land a plane in a likely alligator-infested swamp:
Krieger: Well no, if you literally emma—(coughs)—Okay, so...
- And Malory's reaction to that, where she was going to literally emasculate him, calling for a bowl, a mirror, a needle and thread, and a straight-razor. The mirror is so that he could watch as she did it.
- Also Krieger's reaction to the initial threat, just as he realizes she actually means literally.
- And finally, The Reveal that Ron and Malory are going to have an open marriage. Naturally, as this occurs Cherlene's phone rings, revealing that it's Ron (Then Malory immediately knocks out Cherlene quite violently) and the a few minutes later Pam's phone rings, but she's genre-savvy enough to avoid answering it, since the one possibly calling is Ron and Malory is close enough to throttle her.
- While flying in to San Marcos, the gang argues about which Breakfast Club character each of them is. With Malory having NO idea what the hell they're talking about.
Lana: So What, you think I'm Ally Sheedy?Malory: Are you all just saying random words?Cherlene: Goddammit! Who the hell drilled my box!?El Presidente: Come-come-come-come-come!
Cherlene: Phrasing! Boom!Archer: (Weakly, having been punched in the balls by Lana) Thank you...
- And its glorious return when El Presidente does it again.
- Archer's definition of anonymous sex and his explanation to Lana for how accidentally doing it to Calderón’s wife (without realizing it was the wife at first) isn’t anonymous sex is pretty funny. ("You’ve gotta assume there’s a pretty thorough vetting process…").
- Lana punching Archer in the balls as part of her "friendly advice" about his sex addiction.
- A mortar attack, how frickin' outlaw country is that!
- "Clone bone!"
- Cyril's inadvertent rescue via tank and Malory bitching that he didn't go with a more conventional vehicle, such as the limousine like she'd hoped for, even though she never specified that's what she wanted in the first place. This of course, leads to Cyril snapping at her like she so richly deserves.
Cyril: Jesus GOD, woman, NOTHING IS EVER! GOOD ENOUGH! FOR YOU!Archer: Haha, right!?
- Then when Archer tries to take over the tank gun is aimed right in front of his nose. His face tells the story.
- Lana tries to make a Star Wars reference:
Lana: But I just this second realized why you want to stay down here. Cyril's just the Vader to your Palpatine.
Malory: Is that a reference I should get, or...?
Malory: Well, I'm sorry, Lana, I didn't go to rabbinical school.
Lana: It's from... No, you know what? Never mind. But, spoiler alert - Vader ends up killing Palpatine!
Cherlene: But only for three days, right? And then he moves the rock and comes out of his cave stronger than ever.
Pam: Then he shuts off the tractor beam, releasing the Jews from captivity.
Malory: Wait, yes, now that sounds familiar.
Lana: It cannot possibly.
Malory: Gospel of Luke?
Lana: Oh for... Ray, you used to be a preacher, you want to back me up here?
Ray: I actually don't know. My church didn't really do the New Testament.
Lana: The one... with Jesus Christ in it.
Ray: I mean, I take your word for it, but...
- Cyril manages to take over San Marcos and push back against the rebels using tactics he learned from Warhammer 40K.
- Cherlene frees a goddamned tiger from the zoo. And then it eats Calderon.
- As the rebels are running away from the airport:
Charlene: All the gardeners are running away!
- Malory's comments on how Krieger couldn't just leave the nerve gas.
Krieger: The only thing necessary for evil to triumph is for good men to do nothing.Malory: Said the clone of Adolf Hitler.
- The reveal that Krieger never installed a mind control microchip into Cherlene's head... instead he placed a sticker inside of her brain.
Charlene: Whoa. So my whole life, all I ever had to do was believe in myself? And inject a sticker into my brain?
- Archer's newborn daughter using his patented "One finger shut-up while I drink" thing.
- Immediately afterwards, Archer's reaction to who the father is.
Archer: ...Meep, meep...
- "The Holdout":
"There's an extra ฿20,000 in it for you if you are genetic females." (they present themselves with their backs to the viewer so we can't tell from...you know, or from Archer's nonplussed reaction whether they are ladyboys.)
- The Brick Joke that Archer had absconded and is drinking cobra whiskey (as in giant bottles with a cobra in them) as two Thai call girls ask for payment.
- The reveal of the team's shiny new office, all futuristic and clean, stark-white and shimmering, just like Malory had envisioned it... Only for the moment to be utterly destroyed when Cheryl and Pam reveal it's an elaborate hologram and everything is exactly the same as it was, having blown all of Malory's money on an elaborate recreation right down to the bloodstains in the carpet and squeaky drawers. All of this, just to screw with Malory and make her cry. Except for Milton the toast-dispensing robot, the aforementioned hologram projectors, and the Japanese-style onsen, hidden behind a secret passage in the janitor's closet, accessible via retinal scanner, that only Pam and Krieger know about so far.
- Malory's growing frustration at everything in the office being exactly the same, right down to the taste of the ice she uses.
- Mixed with Heartwarming, but Archer shooting at the CIA extraction Team yelling at him and Kentaro while the latter talks on the phone to his wife whom he hasn't seen in decades.
Archer: We need a minute, Captain Shitnuts!
- "Three to Tango":
Archer: (leaning across Lana, who is staunching the bullet wounds in his back) Is she younger?Lana: ... (pushes down really hard on the bullet wounds, causing Archer to scream) (Cue End Credits)
- After they reach the apartment that Conway Stern is hiding out in Lana asks Archer to at least try to not do anything stupid and rampage-y. Archer pretends to mull this over for a few seconds until Conway is at the door, and then Archer yells out "REVENGE RAMPAGE!" He then kicks down the door and a really well-animated fight scene ensues while Lana calmly makes tea.
- Pam demanding to know if it is too much to ask for two separate sessions of 80-minute dump time per workday.
- Archer's cover name in the episode: Coronel Lando Calrissiano de la Forces Especialle.
- While arguing over who should get custody of AJ in the event of Archer and Lana's deaths, Ray says that it should be him... right as he lights up a cigarette while standing right next to AJ. When Cyril points this out to him, Ray inhales the entire cigarette in one go, drops the butt into Cyril's mug of coffee, and then blows an entire cigarette of smoke in his face.
- The ending; first, Lana cutting off Conway's other hand for commenting on her baby weight and again when, after a surprisingly touching chat about AJ's custody should one of them die, Archer finds out Lana has a sister. There is a long pause and we all know what's coming, and we kind of hope Archer keeps his mouth shut, but nope:
- After five years of theories and questions, we learn that Conway Stern's real name is... Conway Stern.
- Cybernetty Teddly trying to cheer up Krieger.
- "The Archer Sanction":
Lana: But seriously, how in the hell did you think Ireland was an Axis power?Archer: [Chuckling] Oh, my God, I think this whole time I was actually thinking of Romania but only as an inevitable consequence of the Molotov-Ribbentrop pact and the Soviet invasion of Bessarabia.
- Malory turns the tables on Archer and pulls off her own elaborate voice mail prank. Archer's reaction is priceless.
- Archer only skimmed the briefing, did not bring it along, and did not give it to either Ray or Lana, and could not remember who the target was. He could only remember that the target was from a country that, in WWII, was an axis power. And the three other climbers are a Japanese woman, a German man and an Italian man.
- Archer only figures out who the assassin is because he assumed Ireland was an Axis Power.
Archer: Wait, seriously? They were Nazis?
- Although in the Season 3 episode "Lo Scandalo" he is told Ireland wasn't an Ally power, but neutral.
Lana (to Archer): So, will you be super pissed if I bang him?Ray (from offscreen): Yes!
- "Ray forgot the gum!"
- Ray actually does have gum but was hoarding it for himself.
- Someone, (probably Krieger) has a "Teutonic Butts" ringtone. And it has the exact same beat and everything as Archer's "Mulatto Butts" ringtone.
- Malory has gone MIA in the episode and, in Lana's words, "absconded" with Baby A.J., so the rest of the gang search her apartment for her. All the while, the gang mysteriously comes down with bouts of projectile vomiting. At the end of the episode, it turns out she was only gone because her apartment was being fumigated.
- Throughout the episode, Ray and Lana flirt with the incredibly handsome mountaineering guide (although Lana is doing it partly to make Archer jealous) and after narrowly avoiding death:
- "Don't worry about it."
- While everyone else is celebrating Cheryl's birthday in the secret Japanese onsen, Krieger is swimming through it looking for some creature.
Krieger: Don't make any sudden movements. Bowel or otherwise.
- When the gang reaches Malory's apartment, Cheryl unlocks her door and immediately passes out.
- "Edie's Wedding":
- Barry reveals that Katya left Barry for "literally the dumbest guy in Russia", Boris. His idiocy is driven home by a scene of him attempting to serve Katya breakfast in bed:
Boris: Who want waffle? (lifts the lid off the platter, revealing a plate of syrup with a pad of butter floating on top of it, and is clearly devastated to see this) ...I forget to make waffle.
- The opening scene. Almost 2 minutes of Pam blubbering, and Archer maneuvering her like furniture to make himself a cup of coffee.
- When Malory walks out, she tells Cheryl, "...and try not to burn the place down".
Lana: (angry at Malory for insulting her parenting skills) I hope you do burn this place down.
Cheryl: She said not to. ...(gasps) She said try not to!
- Barry reveals that Katya left Barry for "literally the dumbest guy in Russia", Boris. His idiocy is driven home by a scene of him attempting to serve Katya breakfast in bed:
- "Vision Quest":
Cyril: Are you crazy?! That's cashmere!Archer: Wh— Oh, my god! Sorry! (hands the vest back to Cyril)Lana: What? Is it non-absorbent?Archer: Lana, it's cashmere, there are rules!
- The Bottle Episode features the entire cast (sans Malory) stuck in an elevator. Hilarity Ensues.
- Archer insists that Ray engage with the interface of the elevator, or whatever cyborgs do, to help them get unstuck.
- When asked if she is a mind reader, Carol/Cheryl list off the defining vices of the entire cast. Archer wants to drink, Lana wants to lecture people, Pam wants another Bear Claw, Ray wants to smoke, Cyril wants to masturbate and Krieger is worried that they'll find out he's a clone.
- Archer getting everyone to stop bickering by firing a shot into the ceiling. Which renders the entire group temporarily deaf.
- They try to get Milton for help, but all it does is pop toast in their general direction.
- Krieger installed a Signal Jammer on the roof of the elevator "so that people would stop looking at their phones and talk to each other."
- Pam chugs an entire 40 and then has to pee.
- Which she does... But she can't get it back in the bottle and it goes everywhere. Archer wants to use Cyril's Sweater vest to mop up the urine, but stops after he is informed that it is cashmere.
- "What is this? Soviet Russia?!"
- Ray manages to get a signal on his phone by sticking it right out of the elevator and uses it to call 911. The operator confuses Ray for a woman and insists that being stuck in an elevator is not an emergency, she then blocks his number after he attempts to call back.
- Pam takes off her skirt to mop up the urine... revealing that she is not wearing any underwear.
- Archer pulled some prank that caused Ray's phone call to be routed to the seemingly out-of-order elevator phone instead of Malory's phone. This finally causes the rest of the cast to snap and they start attacking Archer.
- After Malory gets to the building, she manages to get the elevator unstuck, and finds the rest of the cast in various states of undress (with Cyril jackin' it) in the middle of either committing violence or having sex, with "TOUCHABLE" is written on the wall in blood. Lana accuses her of rigging the elevator to get stuck as a team building exercise, but she reveals that the exercise was that they were just going to watch the movie "Vision Quest."
- More of a Meta example, but keep in mind the episode is happening in real-time, meaning the case descent into madness in the span of 20-minutes.
- Pam taking A.J. and going into feral Mama Bear mode, leaping from desk to desk like King Kong. Also, "Pam! Baby!" immediately beforehand.
Archer: *knocking on the train door, drunk* I want to fly the train.Cheryl: Wow, I didn't know they had a no-train list.
- Archer asking Cheryl/Carol for a ride. She offers to give him a plane ticket, then a train ticket, however:
- "The Kanes"
Lemuel: Lana Anthony Kane!Lana: Okay so-Archer (Archer laughing): Anthony!Lana: After Susan B.Archer: Oh, right, our ugliest president.
- Archer meets Lana's parents. Hilarity Ensues.
- The highlight is when he misconstrues an invitation to a family barbecue as an offer to have a three-way with her parents.
- "Not in my Mustang, you don't!" which hopefully will go down as one of Keith David's best lines.
- Archer's Hypocritical Humor of complaining about the gunmen shooting an American classic (a 1968 Mustang Fastback), while he's returning fire at their same year Dodge Charger RT.
- "I'm sorry I tried to spit-roast your mom".
- Archer meets Lana's parents. Hilarity Ensues.
- "Pocket Listing"
Ray: [having stabbed the plant to death with a trowel] Well, I guess I've gotta "hand" it to you! Ahahahahaha!
- A bit of Black Comedy, but Ray's fight with the carnivorous plant, which costs him his lower right arm
"Believe me, I've heard all the jokes."
- Cheryl's pseudonym for her realtor charade is Ms. Escrow. And then Archer's pseudonym is Butler the butler.
- About every time the dart gun gets used.
- Archer making fun of Lana thinking she caused Fawad to have a stroke because she's so hot, but then being unable to finish his sentence when he himself gets a look at her post-natal-yoga body. And the ensuing erection noise.
- Subsequently, their heated arguing before both of them just give up and ''furiously'' make out.
- "Reignition Sequence"
Cyril:"Us?"Cheryl:"Yes!...But it buys us time."
- Cheryl’s entire plan to get Sterling and Lana break up, with an illustrative flip-book. It's like a new high point (low point?) of insanity for her.
- "We hire somebody to kidnap their fat, gross baby. There's this huge man/baby hunt. It's in all the newspapers; on the wireless America's going ape-shit, THEN, we double-cross the kidnapper who we obviously paid in easily traceable gold certificates. We plant a shit-load of dicey evidence in his garage, tip off the cops, he's basically convicted of being German, and BERZAPT!- dirt nap for the kraut, compliments of Old Sparkey!
- And her explanation of where Abergine gets sent to...
- "The child is sent to Bhutan, where for the next twenty years she's raised and trained as an assassin by R'as al-Gul before retuning to destroy those who once betrayed her.
So... WHY IS THERE A VAGINA IN THE SINK!!!!!!!!!!!!
- "Lost valet. Answers to the name Woodhouse. Responsible for my meals, dressing, grooming. Needs medicine: Heroin."
- "I'll always have a special place for you in my heart, and obviously my slideshow."
- Archer's Oh, Crap at the end when Lana discovers what's in his sink. If you're Genre Savvy enough you probably guess what it is before she does, making the eventual epic Armor-Piercing Question even funnier.
- Cheryl’s entire plan to get Sterling and Lana break up, with an illustrative flip-book. It's like a new high point (low point?) of insanity for her.
- "Archub Y Morfilod"
- Ray's new hand is black (and probably Conway's).
- Drastic Voyage
Malory: The sooner she learns about cigarettes, the better. This little pudge-pop's going to need all the help she can in the battle of the bulge.
- Malory proves she takes Black Comedy up to it's zenith when she lets AJ play with an ashtray. The nameless officer who was using it before he knew AJ was present is completely horrified.
Cyril: You know, the FRESHMAKER!
- Archer lampshade hanging Slater's Limited Wardrobe.
- Cheryl remarking that she'll use the $1 million she gets to buy an orphanage...and bulldoze with the kids inside for shits and giggles.
- Cyril goes off on an insane tangent about Ray's transplanted hand having a mind of its own, and will end up strangling male prostitutes and posing them in grotesque parodies of Mentos ads.
- While the air chamber of the Nerius is being purged of blood, it won't be able to move. Archer lampshades the design flaw. Also witness how Archer and Pam spend their time waiting for the chamber to be purged - he gets extremely bored and Pam goes from drinking the blood to having a mental breakdown.
- "And that's why we can't have nice things"
- Lana? Lana? Lana? LAAAANAAAAAA!
- ...Danger Zone!
- Small Miracles!
- 'Dungeness' Crab? Because we're in a dungeon? I'm kidding, crab rangoon
- HE REMEMBERS ME!
- And the subversion in Season 4.
- And the variant in the Season 5 finale: Baby? Baby? Baby? BABYYYY-
- Lana's freakishly large hands (and they're freakishly strong)
- She holds down a helicopter that Conway was escaping in by harpooning his attache case then severs his hand.
- She pries open Mallory's electromagnetically locked door with just her hands.
- "Wait, is that even a twist top?" "Noooope."
- Holding Cyril in a Vulcan Death Grip and imitating Darth Vader.
- Threatening to rip out Pam's shoulders with her bare hands and play Moby Dick on her skull with them.
- Any mentions of Cheryl's gypsy lady.
Lana (Walking in the desert without her supplies): And now I'm going to die in the desert. (Gasp) Just like Cheryl's gypsy lady said!(Cut to Lana and Cheryl in the breakroom) Lana: How would I ever die in a dessert?Cheryl: Oh I don't know, maybe a giant chocolate mousse?
- "SMOKE BOMB!"
- (Ahem) Wildly inappropriate.
- Ray losing the use of his legs.
- Archer's ridiculous "Mulatto Butts!" ringtone going off at the worst possible time
Black ass momma! (White ass daddy!)
- Archer's complex, confusing, multi-layered answering machine messages.
- Malory eventually pulls this on Archer.
- He goes so far as to use complex electrical engineering tricks to wire his phone's voicemail into Cheryl's mansion's electrical system to trigger a giant laser light show and a thundering dub-step voicemail recording. Because.
- Phrasing BOOM!
- "Oh, you were serious?"
- "Are we not saying 'phrasing' anymore?"
- The Running Gag of someone being given multiple slaps to the face after said person does or says something stupid.
- "All right then, then I guess just pout!"
- The trailer for Season Five consists of the cast re-enacting famous scenes from Top Gun, set to "Danger Zone", with Archer as Maverick, Barry as Iceman, Cyril as Goose, Lana as Charlie, and Krieger as Kenny Loggins, among other impersonations. It goes through all the major events of the movie... then suddenly fades out to reveal that Archer's just imagining the whole thing while drunkenly riding one of those rocket things that you find outside of grocery stores. It gets even funnier on multiple viewings as you notice all the little details they threw into the parody, like Archer having the callsign "Duchess" on his helmet, or the locker for "Other Barry", or Archer's jacket having a Babou patch, or the mannequins peeking out from under Krieger's bed...
- ISIS employee orientation videos.
Malory: Oh great, this one pissed himself.
- One involves not making eye contact with Malory, because she thinks its a challenge to her power. The first two employees see a paper cutout of her face, and get shocked. The third employee sees Malory at the elevator, her response to the employee fainting:
- One of the DVD extras is a segment called Cooking With Archer, where Archer shows off his new kitchen, and invites celebrity chef Alton Brown (He thinks his name is Allen Brown due to a mispelled cue card) to cook Eggs Woodhouse on it. The two end up getting into a massive brawl, which cuts away to a Technical Difficulties sign, then back with Brown just putting the finishing touches on the dish in the now ruined kitchen, with Archer rammed through the stove. Then Woodhouse shows up.
Alton: *sighs* ...I'm Alton Brown.Woodhouse: The godfather of rocksteady!Alton: THATS ALTON ELLIS!!!
- Conan O'Brien joins Archer in a segment that aired on Conan. Conan exits his studio, animated, and gets in Archer's car. Archer asks Conan to shoot the Russian gangsters chasing because he's too busy driving and browsing Tindr. Conan claims to be familiar with Tindr, but only using it to hire interns.