Funny / Archer Season Seven

The Figgis Agency

• Cyril enjoying himself immensely because California law allows him to get a private investigator's license due to his law degree while everyone else is stuck working for him. Cyril enjoys rubbing this in Archer's face.
• The Overly Long Gag of Archer tumbling down the hill at the lawyer's villa. The whole sequence lasts over a minute and gets more absurd and funny the longer it goes on. Twice.
  Archer: Eat a dick, gravity. (Groans)
  • Archer is only bruised and bloodied, and more so from the dog bites, then from the fall(s). Thanks to the enormous amount of painkillers he consumed beforehand.
• Archer's hilariously deadpan reaction to the ads Pam printed out for their new business. When we see one at the end, it features a ridiculous-looking basset hound wearing a detective's hat and holding a magnifying glass in its mouth as the agency's new mascot.
  Pam: *giggles* His name is Furlock Bones!
  Archer: *Death Glare*
• When planning to break into a house, Krieger pointedly announces they'll have to go in "through the rear". Everyone immediately stares at Archer, expecting him to say "Phrasing!", but he simply says, "No, you all took it for granted."
• Ray is in a wheelchair for most of the episode until Archer assigns him the job of breaking into the safe. In response he reluctantly agrees before standing up.
  • The fact that he apparently had no need of the chair and no-one commenting on it means that he was in the wheelchair at the start of the season for the sake of the Running Gag.
• Archer wants to take his Magnum, P.I.-inspired sports car to Shapiro's mansion, only for the fuel pump to be busted. He can't get it fixed because the warranty is in Italian.
• The Casual Danger Dialogue of Ray and Lana while breaking into Shapiro's home discusses an earlier Brick Joke about porn star names.
• Archer gets mauled by Shapiro's rottweiler guard dogs. What makes it extra funny is that both of them ignore Lana and Ray and just make a beeline for Archer, AND Ray refuses to shoot them because he thinks they're cute. (He couldn't anyway, Lana didn't bring any guns specifically because it wasn't a kill mission).
  Archer: AAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!
  Lana: Archer, quiet!!
  Archer: *lowered voice* aaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!
• After they get the disk from the safe, the team is caught by Shapiro. How do you ask? He noticed the blood trail Archer made after getting savaged by the guard dogs.
• As Archer, Lana, and Ray are escaping, Archer is unconcerned about being shot at because Shapiro and his goons are using silencers, which weaken the bullets. Then...
  Shapiro: GRENADE!
  Ray: Why does a divorce lawyer have grenades?
  Archer: Because they're terrible people!

The Handoff

• At the start of the group meeting, Archer is accused of having an "old lady fetish" for his attraction to Veronica Deane. Malory then orders Krieger to move away from her, which he can't do... because his leg's asleep.
  Pam: And you have an erection.
  Krieger: Also. Yes.
  • Later in the meeting, Cyril tells off Lana for relying on the previous No Such Thing as H.R.^note Except for Pam, but that got dropped early on.
    Cyril: You're no longer on Malory's teat.
    Groans of disgust from everyone else at the visual
    Krieger: sigh Never gonna be able to stand up.
• Cheryl's gag about working on a pirate ship.
• The Running Gag of Cheryl slapping Pam, only for Pam to punch Cheryl out. Even funnier when it's clear Cheryl is really enjoying it.
  • The last time, she was going to slap Malory, but turned around and hit Pam again instead.
  • The spinning chair gag in general, especially when Milton starts doing it.
• Cyril almost blows the fact that they were the ones who stole the disc in the last episode by mentioning that he already knows that Shapiro is Veronica Deane's attorney. Malory covers it up by claiming that Cyril is autistic and has a photographic memory.
• At The Handoff, the big, muscular, scarred, one-eyed leader of the biker gang asks Shapiro:
  Biker: You the Jew lawyer?
  Shapiro: Raises a finger and opens his mouth as if to contest the obvious insult. He considers it for about 5 seconds, before deflating and dropping his hand
  Shapiro: [sighing dejectedly] Yes.
• While waiting in the trunk of the limo for Lana and Shapiro to make an exchange with a biker gang, Archer starts thinking up trunk-related name puns.
• The briefcase of bearer bonds Shapiro was going to give the bikers turns out to be full of the Furlock Bones agency flyers Pam had made in the previous episode.
• Archer's "voicemail hoax", featuring the (completely real) sounds of Archer going One-Man Army on a biker gang while the rest of the Agency listen on in boredom.
  • When it cuts back to Archer, having completely destroyed them, including one biker somehow having been killed with arrows, he's suddenly naked for no discernible reason.
  • They only realize it's not a prank when crickets start chirping in the background after several minutes of silence
  Mallory: My God! He actually trained crickets!
  • Although two seasons ago, he completely rewired Cheryl's mansion to accompany a voicemail hoax, so the funny thing is, that's not outside the realm of possibility.
  Pam: Well, but you've gotta hand it to him, this was the best voicemail ever!
  * Smash Cut to Archer*
  Archer: It would've been... It would've been...
• Archer asks how Lana and Shapiro (both dressed all in white) screwed up a simple handoff. Lana replies that Shapiro didn't have the money he was supposed to.
  Archer: [gesturing with a shovel] Senator Stay Puft, rebuttal?
• Cyril lists the pros and cons of their first mission. He is ecstatic to mention how much he loved Archer getting stabbed.
• Malory initially refuses to call Archer over his voicemail pranks, saying she doesn't care if they're being fed into a woodchipper. Cut to the bikers driving the limo (with Lana, Shapiro, and unbeknownst to them, Archer inside) past a woodchipper.
• Archer remarks he only killed some of the bikers because they tried to woodchipper him.
  Archer: Although, to be fair, if you open what you think is an empty trunk and suddenly there's a guy in there, you're gonna overreact. Kind of like that time I walked into that motel room and it was full of seagulls. God, Myrtle Beach is a trainwreck.
• Ray thinks he's going undercover as a biker. His costume includes chaps, but not pants.
• While they're held prisoner by the bikers, Shapiro finds out it was Archer and Lana who broke into his mansion and stole the disc, so he keeps trying to kick Archer. Unfortunately, he's tied to a pipe, and he's too short to reach, and Archer keeps whacking him on the head with a shovel to make him stop. After Archer insults Lana's thighs, she kicks him in the crotch and Shapiro thanks her.
• When the rest of the crew shows up to rescue Archer, Lana, and Shapiro, Archer is still naked.
  Malory: Why are you naked?
  Archer: It's after Labor Day!
• After being tied up, the lead biker threatens to hunt them down.
  Shapiro: [whacks him with a shovel] Tell it to the cops, shitbird! [tucks his business card into the guy's pocket] Although obviously never speak to the police without an attorney present.
• We find out that the tranquilizers Ray fed Shapiro's guard dogs gave them severe diarrhea, and we're given a detailed description of how shit-caked Shapiro's mansion ended up, not to mention it got mixed with the blood Archer left. Apparently he had to threaten his maid with deportation to clean it up.
• At the end, Pam thinks that they're going to divide their fee up in equal shares, not understanding that they're salaried employees.
  Malory: What do you think this is, a pirate ship?

Deadly Prep

• Archer runs into two of his old bullies from his prep school days. While their bullying of him crosses into Dude, Not Funny! territory, their blase attitude about it in present day is definitely Black Comedy, especially their reaction to finding out giving him a beating followed by a swirly gave Archer pneumonia and put him in the hospital.
  Archer: I spent freshman year in the hospital!
  Ivy: From what, AIDS?
  Archer: I had pneumonia!
  Ivy: From what, complications from AIDS?
  • It's even better when Archer runs into the second bully, Whitney, later and the exact same dialogue plays out again, except when Whitney asks "from what, complications from AIDS?", Archer Pistol Whips him.
• Archer is confronting Whitney about why Ivy hired Archer to kill Whitney, when Cyril, who has been tailing Archer on the suspicion that Archer wasn't being honest about his 'corporate security evaluation', bursts in:
  Cyril: Hello, Cyril Figgis, owner and lead investigator of The Figgis Agency.
  Whitney: How's it going? Trent Whitney, murder victim.
• Cyril's revenge fantasy against Archer. With him as Buffalo Bill.
  Cyril: It puts the lotion in the basket...
• While cowering from gunfire, Cyril and Archer engage in an almost The Three Stooges-like act.
  [Archer smacks Cyril with his gun]
  Cyril: OW!
  Archer: Hahaha! (gets clipped in the arm by a bullet from outside) OW!
  Cyril: Hahaha! [Archer smacks him again] OW!
• Malory takes Archer's phone away from him as punishment for what she thought was a voicemail hoax in the previous episode.
  Cyril: What are you, 9?
• Lana getting arrested for stalking the headmaster of a prep school she wanted AJ to get into. She was actually trying to reconcile with him after Mallory blew the application interview. At the end of the episode, Archer is visiting her in jail to talk to her about AJ going to public school instead, since his prep school experience was so awful.
  Archer: Plus with the restraining order, you wouldn't be able to go within 500 feet of the school so I'd be stuck doing drop-offs and pickups and you know, I'm not doing that.

Motherless Child

• The opening where Archer stumbles out of a bar drunk off his ass, holding a tinfoil swan full of crab Rangoon. When he sees his car has been clamped, he tries to shoot off the tire lock.
• When we first see Barry, he's dressed like The Invisible Man.
  • Which, naturally, leads Archer to utter his most jerkass line yet.
    Barry: Hey, I'm coming to you as a man, here.
    Archer: No you're not! You're coming to me as a... robot-mummy. Oh my God, who's—
    Barry: Archer, no!
    Archer: Who's got—
    Barry: Don't you say it!
    Archer: No mummy!
    Barry: Okay, so now we're doing this. [Dumps Archer out of the moving car]
• When Barry shows up at the office, Archer decides to shoot him, to no effect.
  Barry: Yeah, so, uh, you wanna throw it at me now? You know, like the old-timey Superman mov-- [Archer throws his gun at Barry's bandaged face] That was obviously sarcasm.
• Archer attempts to shoot his way out of the taxi Barry trapped him in, but of course, the window separating the passenger's seats from te driver is made of bulletproof glass, just leading to Archer's signature hearing loss.
• The password to the California state records database is "guest".
• Cheryl has her best "You're not my supervisor!" outburst yet.
  Cheryl: Then why does Archer get to do whatever he wants plus morphine when you're not even my robot supervisor?!
  • She then spends the rest of the episode hitting on Barry, for obvious reasons. Even he's a little taken aback by this, as he'd murdered her one time.
• Ron didn't even wake up while Barry kidnapped Mallory, and doesn't even notice she's gone until he tries to work the coffee machine the next morning.
• Barry painted "ARCHER IS TO BLAME FOR THIS" on the wall of the room Mallory is trapped in. To which Mallory's response is
  "Although, no matter who or what ends up killing me you could probably paint that on the wall."
• The gang are all furiously working to try and find Barry's mother:
  Barry: Let's go, people, the clock is ticking. Tick tock, tick tock.
  Ray: (sotto voce) Name something a clock would say.
  Lana: Barry, you could, ya know, help!
  Barry: [chuckling] I'm too wound up!
  Ray: (sotto voce again) Name something a clock would—
  Lana: RAY!
• When Barry needs a disguise to look human, Krieger reveals that he has something that can help with that. That thing turns out to be perfect replicas of the gang's (minus Malory and Krieger himself) heads and hands.
  Archer: What the shit Krieger?!
  Krieger: What?
  Lana: Whyyyy do you have our... heads?!
  Cyril: And hands?!
  • Cyril refuses to drop the subject later.
    Cyril: I learned that the cabinet of Dr. Krieger is full of our faces.
    Cheryl: And hands!
    Krieger: I-. Look, don't worry about it.
    Cyril: I really feel like we should.

Bel Panto, Part 1

• Cheryl's Sustained Misunderstanding that they're actually in an Encyclopedia Brown mystery.
• Shapiro getting increasingly angry over the group's poor job at keeping an eye on Veronica and the jewels they're supposed to be protecting, since they mostly just stand around and snipe at each other.
• Pam complaining that she, Ray and Cyril got stuck going undercover as servers at the party while Cheryl, Krieger, Archer and Lana got to come as guests.
  Cheryl: You can't put lipstick on a pig.
  Lana: While I wouldn't put it THAT harshly-
  Krieger: Oh you CAN put lipstick on a pig, they don't care about that. Its when you try to put mascara on them that it becomes this big deal.
• The party is a benefit gala for curing a certain disease. That disease? Tinnitus.
• Malory is visibly jealous of Lana attracting the attention of Ellis Crane, a big-time movie producer, and plans to go over there herself.
  Cyril: Jealous. Hey, how's Ron?
  Malory: He's great. How's nobody?
  (Cut to Cheryl laughing at Cyril's expense)
  Cyril: I (censored) you on a blimp!
  Cheryl: *keeps laughing for a few seconds then gasps* Oh my God, that's right! ...whatever happened to blimps anyway?
• Cheryl is unimpressed by Shapiro ordering them around:
  Cheryl: Whatever, Pocket Tony Montana. [gasps excitedly] Wait! Tiny Montana!
• After the party is crashed by robbers wearing clown masks and jumpsuits, Archer prepares to jump one and steal his outfit so he can take down the robbers, only to complain when the guy he's closest to has a pink jumpsuit and the lamest mask.
• When Veronica asks if Archer learned his skills in the army, he just laughs, then goes off on a tangent about how he means no disrespect to the troops, but they're so criminally underpaid he'd never consider that line of work. Also, seems like too much running for his taste.
• After Archer sets out on a mission.
  Archer: Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go kill some evil clowns. (faint sound of cloth being stretched)
  Veronica: ...do you have an erection?
  Archer: No. (beat) No.
• The episode ends with Cheryl, naturally, deciding she's got Stockholm Syndrome and making overt passes at the lead hostage-taker.

Bel Panto Part II

• Cheryl's continued infatuation with Mr. Rompers, to the point of painting herself with clown makeup in the hopes of attracting him.
  Cheryl: I'm so turned on, I think I'm actually getting dehydrated.
• Lana and Pam both decide to knock out a robber and take his costume, just like Archer did in the previous episode, which Mallory guesses he had done. Problem is, they end up running into each other in the gym, and not knowing that the others had the same idea, get into a three-way brawl that only ends when Archer drops a barbell weight on Pam's foot and they recognize her "holy shitsnacks" catchphrase.
• After the heist fails, the robbers force the hostages to switch clothes with them and escapes, leaving Archer and the gang to be shot with beanbags by the SWAT team.
• The green clown randomly slapping the shit out of Cyril for no reason. It makes Lana think he's Archer in disguise. He's not.
• Pam knocking out the yellow clown and stuffing him in the fridge.
• The poor band is STILL playing.
  Cheryl: Jesus! No wonder Mozart went deaf!
  Mr. Rompers: (Dramatic Gun Cock) I swear to God, one more word out of you, and you'll... have to have your brain's mail forwarded to the ceiling!
  Cheryl: (Gasp, sighs lustily)
  Mr. Shapiro: That was technically not a word.
• The Manchild cop outside who thinks knock-out gas is an actual thing.
  • The end of the situation reveals that they weren't actually supposed to be in charge.
• The ending where the cast are beaten and bruised, with several of them bandaged or on crutches, talking about how much beanbags hurt.
  Ray: How is that a toy for kids?!
  Cyril: Good thing the police don't shoot lawn darts.
  • And Shapiro dives in to perform Taking the Bullet for Veronica Deane... and the beanbag, naturally, hits his "beanbags", much to Archer's amusement - until he gets nailed in the face with one, causing Lana to laugh and immediately get hit with one. And all in slow-motion.
    Cheryl: (Still in Slow-Mo) This was my... third best birthday.

Double Indecency

• Malory's reaction when Archer tells her that the guys are going to a strip club to celebrate Cyril's birthday:
  Send my regards to all the molestees.
• When the two separate teams encounter each other at the Swindon Hotel:
  Archer: Wait, what are you all doing here?
  Mallory: Lunch?
  Archer: It’s 5:30.
  Mallory: ...Dunch?
• After Cyril explains Cuckold Fetish Porn (a married couple consents to adultery against each other in the same hotel at the same time, and then they go home and watch the tapes together):
  Pam: God damn! I wish I was married!
• The whole fight, really.
• During the climatic bar fight, Archer gets choked by a henchman. It looks like Krieger is going to karete chop the henchman...only for him to just hold that pose before walking off while doing more air karate.
• The revelation at the end that Cheryl intentionally messed up the office notes to get everyone in trouble.

Liquid Lunch

• In the most magnificent example of Tempting Fate ever, Archer's non-stop Trash Talk to Lana and Slater about how he can handle being waterboarded. Gilligan Cut to a drenched Archer whimpering in the back seat of the car, while Lana and Slater are in the front, looking incredibly smug.

Deadly Velvet Part II

• At the end of the episode, when it is revealed that Archer really WAS the one dead in the pool and that his Cyborg had been the one fooling everyone, they are all shocked and saddened... Except for Krieger, who is ecstatic that one of his Cyborgs had literally everyone (even himself) fooled that it was the real Archer.
  Krieger: SUCK IT, ALAN TURING!